Original subtitles

Dear 64, 2 .36pm.

Spears is in the biodome.

Marky and Veronica are by the pool.

Joplin and Pippa are at the sofas.

I mean, you know, what is TV anyway?

It's just a big fat arrow pointing away from the problem.

Especially shows like this.

It's like the...

The lead in the water pipes has sent the Romans mad.

I thought to myself, OK, I can ignore it, or I can engage with and alter it

from within.

And if just one person hears me and thinks, wow, I never saw it like that,

guy's really opened my head, then I'm justified doing it, you know?

Grayson and Angel are in the diary room. Hello, Grayson. Hi, big brother. Hello,

Angel. Hi. How are you today? I'm pissed off and I'm angry and we need your

permission to kill someone.

Who would you like to kill?

Who do you think? Wonderbra and a spastic henchman. All right, so show me

V looking really pleased with themselves, OK? The chavvier, the

And lose spastic, otherwise I'll come over shitting blood for a week.

Who do you think? Who do you think?

Wonderbra and a henchman. Good. And last night, you could hear everything.

It sounded like someone spanking a wet rat. And who needs to hear that?

See, they even sound sick when they grunt.

OK, so mark that for the best bit.

Thanks.

What is it? Kelly.

That's the one. You need a blueberry muffin.

For your fat camp, I need this in 20 minutes.

If you're going to answer that, make it quick. Chloe's looking for you. Yeah,

I'm on it. Quick!

Oh, yeah, I can ring that, are you?

Ah, asking where you were last night.

I told you.

I'll text him. What did you say?

No question was.

OK. Please, over a couple of details, then.

Yeah, me and Rick have been together for ages, and it's not my usual style, you

know.

You've got peers. Do you put your hand in the cookie jar?

Don't make it sound so innocent.

Yeah, well, was it?

I will be back later for the highlights, if you don't really care.

Hiya. Hiya.

Hey.

Listen, what happened last night was a mistake.

Yeah. And we must be really stupid because we kept repeating the same

over half three.

Yeah, thereabouts.

Yeah. I like to learn from my mistakes, and I don't think we fully went through

all the possible avenues for error, so... Dick.

I'd like to go over it with you later, see if we missed anything.

Oh, can you take Aisling to the BBLB room?

Um, that's Sophie's job.

Yeah, she's still doing friends and family.

Fine. When you're done with that, Coffee, camera run, the gas bin.

It's a little bit hectic, you say.

With the champagne and stuff and tea in the room, it's just going to be great.

Hey, Ashley.

Hi. Hi.

Everything all right, yeah? Looking after you, OK?

Patrick, producer.

Do you want me to fire you?

Shit.

Sorry, man.

Man, just do your job.

There's no one even there. Move the camera. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Hi,

this is Kelly.

Not getting a call right now, so if you leave me a message, I'll get back to

you. Bye.

Get your fucking baps out of that chair.

Now!

37 minutes to go, minions.

Do you even know what a minion is? No? Don't look offended, then.

Where's Sophie?

Anybody know where Sophie is? Hello?

Excuse me. Come on. Gormless. Where's Sophie?

Uh, Sophie, uh, she's picking up people's mums. Well, fucking hell, she

have been here by five. Get her for me.

What's the latest?

Um, numbers are way down. Right.

network issues or something. Okay, so the headline is? Well, Grayson is safe.

Good. Marky is the favourite for the chop, but there's only a pixel between

and Pippa.

Oh, God. Well, rather her than him. Look at that. Face like a Manchester Morgue.

We should nominate you, Sour Flats.

Is that your evicted outfit?

Oi, Barbara.

I said, is that your evicted outfit?

My name is Grayson. G -R.

A -Y -M -C -A.

Ooh, Claire, voice of God.

This is Big Brother.

Could Grayson come to the diary room? Ha! He started it!

Oh, you're such an idiot.

You would have drowned me. You really should come with subtype.

King Harriet with his northern twat.

Oh,

God, talk about pleased with himself.

Just post -shag euphoria.

Remember that.

What are you for?

Tell me you are around the corner.

Sorry, Patrick, we've had a mail.

All the main routes were chock -a -sock. I was trying to work some back row

magic now. You were supposed to be here fucking three hours ago.

Yes. Stop saying yes. Right.

Now, you should have been here three hours ago, in friends and family, in

hospitality, with that fucking moaning Scottish bird's mother.

Fucking sick of this.

Fucking get back here pronto.

No.

Pick that up.

Your boss isn't upset, I hope.

It's eviction night, so he's a bit stressed.

It's a very stressful line of work, I've often thought.

Right, shit. Bye.

Fuck.

Claire? Yeah?

We might bump tonight's show.

Why? Because of this shit.

One fucking estate on fire in Newcastle and a couple of policemen killed in

Liverpool.

Stockwell, Cardiff, Portsmouth, all bollocks. If this gets much worse, we

going to be bumped for a news update.

Brilliant.

Why do people write? Anyway, it's not the 80s. No, they've got distractions.

They should stay and watch Dally.

I'm just not feeling this no more.

Too many arguments.

What are you doing? Don't put that shit in

there!

They can't kill because of all the preservatives in the sea!

Is that a phone?

It's a phone.

Jimmy!

It's for you!

Find out who it is. Jesus Christ.

They don't have to do that, do they? I don't think so. Hello!

Hello!

He's fucking Golda.

He was in Big Brother with me.

Hello. We fell over a chair.

I didn't know what your question was because you can't have thought of it.

you... Oh, how do you feel about your country?

I'm African.

My spirit was born in Africa, but my body was born in Africa.

Hello. Oh, finally.

Yeah, look, Rick.

It's eviction night. It's not really a good time.

Because she's been mugged.

What? Someone's took the van.

Yes, a family flags me down, right? A mum, dad, kid by the side of the road,

right? There's no car, but I figure there's been an accident. The kid's

bleeding, yeah?

Jesus. The mum pulled the knife. The mum.

Fuck, are you all right?

Yeah, well, I pretty much nearly shat myself.

And I'm stuck somewhere on fucking... Oh, I think I'm on Twitter trying to get

train home.

I don't know what I can do.

Yeah, I know, I know. I'm just venting, you know, so... I've been trying all

day.

Yeah, I know. It's been a bit mad.

Right.

Are you going to crash at Claire's again tonight?

I don't know.

How did this happen, Kel?

Look, can we talk later?

You're doing your little media cult now, getting rid of your excess baggage. Is

that it, Kel?

No, I... Hello?

Rick?

Hello, hello, Queen Dee.

Oh, hey, Patrick.

Hey. How are you?

Um, well, I'm a bit concerned, actually.

Really? How so?

That we might get bumped for the news.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

Promise?

Yeah, well, not unless this really is the end of the world, which... Right.

OK, well, I'll keep my fingers crossed then. Yeah, and you break one of those

rather lovely legs.

All right, bye -bye.

Who the fuck did you know that? I don't know.

Never. Spook. You never spook the talent, all right? Even if there is a

about to go off behind them, especially if they're about to go live, okay? It is

one stop. I didn't tell.

You told me. Yeah.

Davina will start talking.

When the music kicks in, that's your cue to go absolutely bizarre.

Keep it going until you hear Davina talking.

All right, guys?

Stand by.

Have you got no signal?

Yeah, no one's got one.

Yeah, probably a long time cloud.

Huh?

I'm going to try in the office.

Right, well, I'll see you in a bit, right?

Hang on a minute, my sound has gone down.

Again!

Just move it back up. Put four up. Bring four up.

Move that camera off her. I can't stand her fucking face.

Look at him. Here we go.

Nice pickings. Make some noise.

Anything?

He's picking up from the channel.

Stop it. No news is good news.

Right. Man the lifeboat. Come on.

Grayson, Marky and Pippa. Three little piggies. But who's going to be squealing

all the way home tonight?

So what's going on?

Hey.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Yeah?

I don't know this job.

I thought you liked it.

I do.

I don't know what I do with affected coffees, but, I don't know, the show and

the crowds and everything, it's not really real, is it?

Do you know what I mean?

You don't really.

Big Brother

House, this is

Davina. You are live on Channel 4. Please do not swear.

The votes have been counted and verified and I can now reveal that the next

person to be evicted from the Big Brother house is...

I can't just go now.

Fuck it. I need some more Nicorax.

Just get someone to get them.

Kel?

Yeah?

Sorry, but someone urgently requires nicotine gum.

Cool, I'm on it. Shop's still open. I can make it.

Oh, and you still owe me those mucky details. Yeah.

Cheers. Thanks for that.

OK.

Are you sure?

Hey. Oh, hi.

What's the fingering in here?

Joplin has literally worn that shirt the whole fucking time. Imagine what that

smells like.

Pippa, you have 30 seconds to say your goodbyes. I'm coming to get you!

It's going to be fine. It's all going to be fine.

Davina will look after you, remember?

10,

9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3,

2, 1.

Pippa, you have been evicted. Please leave the Big Brother house.

Come off the garden.

Fucking hell.

Ladies and gents, it's Pippa!

They're going nuts.

She'll be all right. She'll be all right.

Big Brother house, the storeroom door is now open.

He

had

a thing with me, you know.

What?

Yeah, when we were on I'm a Celebrity.

We screwed in a hammock.

Nice.

I cannot imagine living next door to people like that.

Is that actually what Jonathan was putting out? Yeah, what?

That.

Well, get the fuck out.

Hello? Is it love? Is it love? Is it love? Is it? Is it? No.

Nothing.

That's a public boy, isn't it?

What's your boyfriend's name again?

Your real one, that is.

What is your fucking problem?

Danny? Oh, Romeo's back, is he?

What happened?

My advice is to seek shelter immediately

Alright. No alarm this morning.

Bit weird, innit?

Right, cheeks.

Don't! Get off.

I'm going to make some eggs for them.

There aren't any.

Grayson had a fried egg sandwich last night.

For fuck's sake.

Right. Oh, come on. Watch out.

I'll mark it up.

What's that?

That's for the eggs.

What do you mean, eggs? You having the laugh for the eggs.

Fuck this, I'm out.

Oh,

for God's sake.

Marky, just stop it. Stop it.

What's Grayson done?

Eaten an egg.

How long have you been awake, Angel?

About half an hour. And you haven't had your mic on all that time?

Thanks, big brother. Why don't you say something?

I'm sorry.

Big brother's going to give you a red carpet.

Something is wrong!

What?

No mics.

No alarms.

And the cameras ain't moving.

Big brother ain't watching us.

No fucking cameras, no fucking point. They might be broken.

All of them.

They could be electric.

They're doing it on purpose.

They look like a trap.

Where the cameras don't move. Well, that's going to be entertaining.

Don't they want to see how we react to a sudden absence of authority?

Well, it's freaking me right out. That's what they want. Don't give it to them.

We're not freaked out.

I'm going on the roof. But we're not allowed up there. Exactly. So if they

stop me, we'll know something's definitely wrong.

They'll throw you out. Just leave him. Let him throw him out. Yeah, but... Do

you know what? Fuck him. Is it like... Look.

Oh my God. That's what it is. They've given us a new housemate.

She's a bit strange.

What's your name then?

Louie, hello.

Hello?

Hello?

Oi, yell!

Psst, fine, whatever.

Are you a monk?

She might be. What? That's like blubbering.

Don't listen to them. They're idiots, sweetheart.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Let Joppa in.

Go on, Jop.

Hello? My name is Joplin.

I am happy to meet you.

There's one in there.

One what?

Have you been outside all this time?

Can I ask you a question?

How am I coming across?

Oh, you big queen.

Am I popular?

You're the favourite.

Now, what's the graph for you?

I'm the favourite.

Is that fake blood?

He's the favourite.

You must try harder.

Attention!

All right. She's mental. Look at her. Her mechanism's gone.

Matt, she's just attention -seeking.

Ignore her. She'll stop.

I'm not acting. I work here.

Well, I don't know. A window cleaner.

Something's happening.

Some sort of outbreak.

Just let her talk.

People get this thing and... Thing?

They want to kill you and they change.

And then the bums fall off.

What do you mean they change?

I don't know. They're dead.

Dead? Sorry, what did you say?

They're dead.

They're dead and they're still alive.

They're everywhere. That's what I'm trying to tell you. There's one in here.

It's his quality, this is.

I'm an house of all shit.

You're brilliant, you.

Come on now, that's enough.

See ya.

Sort of.

Get off my fucking seat.

Dear big brother, may I say, how impressed I was at your inclusion of a

mentally unhinged woman into the house.

Maybe something has happened.

I just want to know. No, no, no.

I just want to know. Even if she's not mentally ill, she's in very poor taste.

Yeah, I agree.

Well, you seriously think there's a bunch of dead biffers struggling about

eating people?

No. Coming to get you, Barbara.

Well, I just want it noted that I do not approve of this. Shut up! Shut up, you

fucking idiot!

You fucking idiot!

I'm going to tell you, there's one in there!

Calm down.

Calm down.

Calm down.

Just calm down.

Channel 4, don't swear or say fucking nothing.

Just be quiet.

Maybe he's deaf. I'm dead.

Don't do that. There's nothing here.

Nothing. Marky, get away from that.

Don't open that door.

What, this door?

If you open that door, I'll stab you.

What?

Marky, don't wind her up. Seriously.

It's fucking weird.

I was having a ball.

Please do not swear. Mark that for their best bits.

I don't... Thanks. What is it? Kelly. That's the one.

You've got peers. Do you put your hand in the cookie jar?

You make it sound so innocent.

Rick, it's eviction night. It's not really a good time. This has been

Fuck, are you all right?

I might bump for tonight's show.

Because of this shit.

The next person to be evicted from the Big Brother house is... How did

this happen, girl?

What's your boyfriend's name again?

Your real one, that is.

What's going on?

They're going batshit out of there.

Danny?

Something's happening.

Some sort of outbreak.

People get this thing and change.

They want to kill you.

Big Bubba ain't watching us.

Go the other way! Go the other way!

Is

that for

me?

It's the wall.

There's one in there.

One what?

Hello? Jesus.

No, this isn't happening.

No, this is not happening.

And if it is happening, it's not happening to me.

That's it.

Okay? Is this the way out?

No, no, hey, you, you, you, whoever you are. I don't care if that is part of the

programme or not. I am not staying here.

Listen, listen to me. Calm down.

We're staying here.

Really.

There's got to be somewhere we can go.

Trust me.

Outside, it's a bad idea.

How bad?

Are they?

Her name was Claire.

And they're dead?

Yeah.

It's got to be some terrorist bollocks. They've released some loony gas.

Loony gas?

Have you got a better explanation?

The government or army must have tested something they shouldn't. What, like GM

food or something?

Maybe. Or Wi -Fi.

God knows what that does to your molecules.

This being we're not on telly anymore.

Oh, what?

Bleeding. Now, how do you turn this thing on?

That's some robot bollock.

Let me see.

Give it to me.

Why? Because I'm asking you, fetus.

Oh, my God, you're so rude.

Yeah?

Why don't you start compiling a book of your fucking theories?

Fuck off! Fuck off!

The homeless ones at all.

Shut up!

Shut it!

No, no, no, no. Get some fucking supplies.

What? Get some fucking supplies.

What, like water in it? No!

Before the news went off, I said to barricade your doors.

Do you know how long this will last?

Give us a bag.

Short supply.

I've got 60 stacked under your bed.

You know, I'm saving up for a special occasion.

Merry fucking Christmas.

Where did you get a gun from?

eBay. Really?

Where do you drive from?

Clapham. I live in Stockwell.

No, you don't.

Is this happening in London at all? Do you want to get out and walk?

No. Well then, be useful.

I don't know where we're going. The coast.

Which coast?

Whichever's nearest.

I don't know where we are right now, do I?

Open the boot thing, fucking bonnet thing. Come on, hurry up.

Oh, fuck.

Lift the bonnet.

Pop it.

There's fucking tools in the van.

There's hair and skin and shit in your car, man.

Not my car.

We hit one of those things.

Can you fix it? Yeah, I'm just trying to work out what's wrong with it first,

right? That knocking noise, it could be... It could be water in it.

Are you sure that was one of those things?

No.

Are you fixing that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm on it. Just, um...

If you stop huffing, you'll use up all the air.

It's not a submarine you'd expect them in. Do you know how air works?

You've just wasted more air.

Do you even understand what is going on here? Or is the whole world just colours

and shapes and the occasional noise in your head?

Oh, stay out of it.

It's getting dark.

I know.

So hurry up.

You know, this whole relentless criticism thing of yours is really

That'll attract more of them, so get a move on.

What's happening?

She's going into shock.

Would you not be in that shock? Get back, he's done enough.

Come on.

Hold her down. What?

Hold her down!

She's on the bus!

She's on the bus!

OK.

OK.

We, er... We're outside.

We can't do that.

It's dangerous.

She's OK while she's still alive.

We need to move her, put her in the greenhouse.

We're not moving her. She's in shock.

If she dies, she becomes one of them things in here.

Outside, she's trapped.

We're not fucking moving her.

She's all right.

We've got to move her.

Come on.

Come on!

Look,

if you can't fix it... You know what? I'm just trying to get my head around

whole end -of -the -world thing. It's not my usual environment.

Well, the sooner you come to terms with it, the more chance you've got of

surviving. I am surviving, and it's not easy.

What have you done?

You've done nothing.

I've had a van stolen. I've been chased. My fuck knows. I've been in a carriage.

Well, I've been shot at. Have you shot anyone?

Have you had them do that yet? No, no, no, I haven't. Have you shot a friend?

Have you shot a best friend?

Have you done that? Have you? Have you pulled the trigger and seen your best

friend's head?

and walked around in a dream with her blood running down your face and in your

mouth, picking shards of skull from your jumper like cat's teeth.

Have you done that?

Have you?

No, I can't say I have. All right, don't talk to me about surviving until you

have!

I won't. Good.

not fixing the car.

I think we should check out the house.

How many bullets have you got left?

One.

Right. At least we know we're alone then.

I need a slash.

I need a slash.

But the toilet's over here.

Yeah, I know.

You're not going down here.

Turn your back.

I think you hold it in. I've been holding it in. Just turn away.

Oh, my God, that's disgusting.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Dad. Oh, shut up.

Be careful as you put her down.

I tie her up.

Why? It's a precaution to focus on her breathing.

Get your new girlfriend out of here. Look, it's imperative that you keep her

alive. Do you understand?

I'm a charge nurse. You don't have to tell me.

Can you keep her alive?

Can you?

Yeah, I can. But I need more than this city first aid kit. I need haemostatic

dressing, epinephrine, morphine. Basically, I need a pharmacy. Can you

that?

Stay with me.

Angel.

You know where we can get that medical stuff from, don't you?

If you do, you need to let us know right now. Yeah. You're all right.

You're all right, I do. I know.

Bollocks.

Look.

It's out there.

Supermarket out there with a chemist of all sorts of prescription stuff. Well,

that's exactly what we need.

That's perfect,

because it's out there.

How far is it?

It's close.

Really wish I didn't know that.

Through the gate, can't be more than a mile.

Used to get the producer's lifting gun from there.

Lightweight.

Right, well, we can do that on foot.

Too risky.

With that van?

Yeah.

What a groove.

Nice one.

If they get too excited, that's part two of the plan.

What's part one?

Dunno. We need to get part three done first.

Right, well, we'll just run for it.

No, we won't.

Well, we might make it.

Yeah, well, we might think of something else.

Well, you better think... What was the name of that show with the sheepdogs and

that?

What, one man and his dog? Yeah.

Yeah, that's the one.

I used to love that shit.

Come on!

Over here!

Yeah!

This house has a back door.

Don't take it.

Dive. And you're sure.

Through the brain.

Ah!

If that is part of the program, I am not staying here!

Talk to me.

Outside. It's a bad idea.

Fuck off!

Who are they?

The government or army must have tested something they shouldn't.

This being we're not on telly anymore.

Will you stop huffing? You'll use up all the air.

Do you even understand what is going on here? Or is the whole world just colours

and shapes and the occasional noise in your head?

Get some fucking supplies.

Now!

If he dies, he becomes one of them things in here.

Outside, she's trapped.

She's right.

We've got to move her.

We know we're alone, then.

Can you keep her alive?

Yes, I can. But I need more than this. The contents of a pharmacy. Can you get

me that?

You know where we can get that medical stuff from, don't you?

Supermarket out there with a chemist of all sorts of prescription stuff. How far

is it?

It's close.

Go! Shit! Get in the van, Marky!

Get in the van!

Take

this

right, this right.

On the back, it's safer.

It's clear for now.

Keep the engine running.

BP, anything, keep banging that horn, right?

Cool.

Let's go shopping.

TV went off the first night.

Oh, God, it's the Big Brother live feed.

They must have evacuated the studio.

Hurrah. My girlfriend works here.

On that?

Yes, and I'm worried about her.

Well, if the house is empty, then she'll have been evacuated too.

Yes, ma 'am.

What was that?

It is highly recommended to everyone to go to emergency shelters.

There's a bloody clock in this place.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What are you poking me for?

Acupressure. Good potential.

Not now, it's not.

I pray that means shelter.

I'm sorry.

Angel.

No way.

No way. Check that out.

Only on the front cover of eight.

Rubbish in bed.

What the... Desperate from... What a load of shit. They don't have to get

a load of shit in that magazine.

I'm minty, Ben.

Not as funny as he thinks. I'm well funny.

Don't mention that to anyone we get back in the hour.

Down! All right, all right, all right. Stay down! All right, all right.

So what are we going to do with him then, then?

I haven't made my mind up yet, Bob.

Hang on, you're that fellow off Big Brother, aren't you?

Yeah, no, no, it is. He's that sort of black one, you know. I don't know, I

don't watch it.

You know, you're shorter in real life.

Well, he's on his knees, isn't he, Bob?

Look, mate, I... I'll ask the questions. What are you doing here?

I'm just getting supplies, medical supplies.

So you're looting? No, I'm not looting. So you're looting?

Well, given the circumstances, we'll let you off with a caution.

So what, can I get up then, yeah?

Well, you could say thank you.

Thank you. Where are you going, battling?

Not playing their countryside tour, I hope. That would be a mistake.

Have you got somewhere to hole up?

Where do you think? What Big Brother asked?

Is that, um, Veronica still there?

Yeah. Oi, mate, she is wealthy.

Veronica?

Yeah?

Would you like a cup of chai?

I'm all right, thanks.

Sorry, is that all right thanks as in you would like one or...?

I'm all right, thanks, as in I wouldn't.

Second one.

No, sorry, it... I don't want one! Right.

OK?

How do you untie me?

I know you're there, Jocelyn.

You know, you should have just asked me for a quick flash.

Because it's the end of the world and I might have felt sorry for you.

But you didn't, which is a shame.

Because what you're doing is a bit creepy, isn't it?

Oven chips.

A bit essential.

So what if there's a power cut and you can eat them frozen?

If there's a power cut, they'll be dressed.

What, and you'll eat them cold and mushy?

For the first time.

Okay.

Come on, hurry up.

Hey, there's somewhere we should be trying to head for.

Like where?

Well, I don't know. Who's in charge?

You haven't heard of them?

Come on, please, Dave. It's only a little one, look at me.

Bite's a bite, Bob.

Sorry, mate.

I really am sorry, mate.

I had to do that.

There's nothing else you can do for a bite.

You die, you come back as one of them. That's how it works, and it works

fast. I just threw that thing down.

If you hadn't been pissing around in the first place, the advice was stay

indoors. Or don't you watch telly.

What's that?

Is that a bite?

You're not looking back. You're not looking back.

Bollocks, I'm not taking the challenge.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Come on. We've got to go. Come on. Go.

Go. Baby, let's go. Go.

Go. Go.

Shit.

You had no choice for that.

Do you hear me?

He's right, yeah.

He's in my nose.

You've got me drinking.

My God, do you want to go have your sex?

No.

No, I didn't want to do that, Andrea.

No, I don't want to move. Put your fingers in your ears.

I hate you.

Shut up.

You finished?

Pass me a napkin.

There's the napkin bite. Pass me that fucking napkin now!

Glad you applied.

I hate you.

Shit.

Wait. We'll rush him with a duvet, then. Pin him down with this.

And you do him with the knife. Oh, no. No, wait. No, wait.

Well, you rush him with the duvet, and I'll stab him.

Which is it going to be?

I can't. Jocelyn!

We ain't having him run around out there.

I want Marky and that he's going to come back from the supermarket through that

door there. We've got to get rid before that happens or I'll kill them all. I

told you that I can't. There isn't any choice, you dick.

What are you doing?

Don't stop the car today. You've got to shut the gate. What?

They're going to keep pouring in from outside if we don't shut the gate.

So you might as well do it while we're here.

These are damn shit.

Okay.

Yeah, but I'm the driver, innit?

Yes, I'm trying to focus.

OK, I'm trying to visualise. Fuck that. Just make sure you pin his head down

under that. Cover his teeth. What if he gets loose?

We'll do it right and won't. What if he does?

Then he'll probably kill us.

What do you want me to say? Stop being a nine -year -old. OK.

Yeah, all right.

OK. Great.

Let's just get this over with.

Right.

Right, bone that end.

They said it won't.

There's got to be other people out there hitting the coast.

I've told you, the ports are overrun. And if anything, it's worth over the

channel.

Face it.

We should check the walls out there, make sure they're secure.

Really, Alex?

Is it Eric?

Why torture yourself?

Look, there's still a signal.

I don't know.

It's a big studio. She could have found somewhere.

You been with her long?

It's really long.

Beats my record.

It would have been five next month.

I need the next month.

You love her.

Does that make me some kind of pussy to you?

No.

Quite stupid, isn't he?

Not the brightest one.

Can't even get out of the fire.

Don't know the debt.

Good old British public.

Yeah, you're right.

You're all right. They're thick as shit.

So as long as we're still breathing, we're smarter than them.

And that's why we're going to beat them.

Other people.

Shit.

We're not the only ones.

We're not the only ones.

They're miles away.

You might as well be looking at cartoon characters.

That's her.

That's her.

That's her.

She's alive.

That's my girl.

That's her. That's her. She's a good girl. Good girl.

Good girl.

Kelly.

Kelly. Good girl, girl.

She's alive.

Get in, girl.

That's her.

She's alive.

It's a Big Brother live feed. Hurrah. My girlfriend works here. On that? Yes,

and I'm worried about her.

You're that fella off Big Brother, innit? You know, you're shorter in real

Bullocks, I'm not taking the job.

Sorry.

They're going to keep pouring in from outside if you don't shut the gate.

As long as we're still breathing, we're smarter than them.

We're probably going to beat them.

That's her!

She's alive!

Good girl!

No problem.

Why are you coming towards the house like that?

Glad to do. Easier to pick up.

Yeah, but why?

Some kind of primitive intuition, maybe.

They feel the need to be near us.

And don't forget, this place used to be like a church to them.

Maybe they can just smell bullshit.

Right,

that's the last of them.

Clear for now, just the ones we can't see and those at the gates.

Right, right.

That's a light machine.

It's not a machine, it's a lamp.

Well, it lights up the room.

Well, it's dead now.

It's bad for the environment, wasting light.

I'm not wasting it.

I'm turning it into something else.

What, like recycling?

If you like.

It's only 36 miles.

That's a long way on foot with those things around. I'm not just going to sit

here, am I? You won't make it. I can't not try.

I can see her, do you know what I mean?

I can't just stay here and play farmhouse kitchen with you.

Look, we've got to think long term.

We're away from the city.

There's a wall around these grounds.

We can eat veg from the garden and catch fish in the river.

What river?

Fucking stand up. Stand up!

Go over to the door.

Move!

Listen to me.

Stand there. You put your hand on the door. Put your hand on the fucking

Shut up and listen.

You're going to open that door and you are going to slam it.

Fucking slam it on her when she's halfway in. Do you understand what

Do you understand?

Say yes. I understand.

Then are you ready?

It is this, or we take it in turn, shitting in the bin until we starve to

Does that appeal?

No? Then are you ready?

Do not fuck this up.

All right?

Get ready.

No! No!

I can do what I like.

Oh, my God.

I didn't know.

I didn't know.

I didn't know.

I didn't know. I didn't know. I didn't know.

I didn't know. I didn't know.

I didn't know.

I didn't know.

I didn't know.

I didn't know.

You can't just stay here on your own. Alex!

I packed your bag.

Thank you.

What's with the axe? Oh, where's the gun?

No ammo.

There is. You said we've got one bullet left.

I only said that to make you feel better.

What would you have done if there was one of those things in there?

Outrun you.

Hey.

What's that?

Nuts.

Zoo.

Nuts and zoo, man.

Now that is the axis of wanking. Oh.

Oh, Nando's. Mac D's.

Classy. Let me tell you something, yeah? When you wake up in the morning and

you've got, like, a massive hangover, there is nothing better than a good Egg

McMuffin. Mm.

Yeah, I could do that.

It's a little cure, isn't it?

Come on, we'll have track here.

It's ended.

Lost. Doctor who?

I'm good, it's a kid's job.

It's not a kid's job. It is.

Sopranos. I'm not already finished.

We're talking about things that have ended prematurely because of this mess.

Come on, drop it if you want to play a game, right?

YouTube.

SpaceX. Oh, shit.

MySpace.

Amazon.

Nah, you're on it.

Is that where you make Big Brother?

Yes.

Shut up.

She's a new one.

Hello. Hello.

Hello. It's even working. Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello. Oh, my God, we've been... Bang it on, Ben!

Just stop, stop. Listen.

Is that one of the dear voices?

Patrick, is that you?

Yeah, yeah. It's me, um... Kelly!

Kelly, that's it. Listen, we are trapped in the gallery.

Wait, who are you with? Are you okay?

Fuck!

I was stuck in the room and he done a pit and it sank.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Listen, fuck the reunion. You've got to get us out of here.

Can you make your way across the car park? Is it safe?

Ish. Ish?

Well, we've closed the main gate and cleared most of the ones in the

What do you mean, cleared? Probably me.

Jesus, where the fuck... Where the fuck did that come from?

It's a long story. Fine, just come and get us out then.

Babe, we can't. We are trapped in here.

How many of those things are there up there?

It's one thing picking them off the roof, but it's another heading out

Said the man with the gun for the man with the pointy stick.

I'm sorry, mate, it's not worth the risk.

Fuck you.

What's he doing? What are you doing?

What are you playing at? Patrick.

Shut us up. Is this guy for real?

Oh, right, right, right. No dialogue, just instant abuse of human rights, eh?

Oh, fuck off, Shami Chakrabarti. Try this.

Fuck off! What are you doing?

Who's house do you think you're standing in, you stupid speck of shit?

Yeah, well, you can't go up there, man. You see, it's dangerous. They haven't.

Stay here, then.

I've got you covered!

Don't worry about it, it's just brother.

Please Brian.

You took your time.

We should pass by an old abbey and then some wood half a mile later.

There's two days behind us.

Right.

It's off the best way back down.

What am I fucking invisible? I'm talking to you.

Fucking hell.

Yeah, what are you looking for? Crown Court?

Come on. It's worth a try. I heard something on the radio. What?

Some foreign stuff.

Saying what? I don't know. I don't speak foreign enough. You know what? A

foreign voice is good enough for me. We're going to get to the nearest port.

We're going to get the fuck out of Britain. Come on.

We can't. Why not?

We'll see.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, my God.

I don't like it.

Just keep coming.

Look, it's still not safe here. We need to get back into town.

Oh, fuck.

It's the best place to be right now.

Shit, that's one of them water door things, innit? A lot.

Hurry. Everyone, this is Patrick.

Hi, Patrick.

Fucking starving.

Patrick, it's got to last.

You've got a biodome. Grow some fucking cosettes or something.

Here, Prince.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Not in here. I'm trying to give up. Take it

outside, you dirty bastard.

What?

What?

Pass me that peanut butter.

It's the magic word.

Fuck off.

Fucking hell.

I liked our farmhouse.

I'm so sorry.

I know.

Vicky's off the fag wagon.

Guy's a dickhead.

You don't want to work under that.

Yeah, just let him walk it out.

Poor bastard's got a lot to come to terms with.

And who ain't? The whole world's gone fucking tits up and we don't even know

why. Well, I'd still take some sort of terrorist attack, you know. No, it's

bigger than that.

The sea gave up the dead which were in it, and death and hell delivered up the

dead which were in them, and they were judged every man according to their

works.

Judgment day.

It's in the Bible.

You can't wheel out the Bible. Hold on, I thought you were an atheist.

Yes. Are you trying to say that God's punishing us? No, I'm not saying God

If it's Iraq, yeah, I never agreed to that in the first place, so that

be fair anyway.

Or the other place, Palestine. I'm not even saying there is a God. But if there

is, maybe all this is happening because he or she or it is judging

our culture and swiping us accordingly.

Yeah but why be such a cunt about it?

It's like a loser's convention in here.

Proud of yourselves.

Want another flag, Patrick?

Oddly enough, I don't, Cathy.

Kelly. Yeah, whatever.

We need an escape plan.

We haven't thought of that. Think of it as a task, if that helps.

Come on, we should hit the road.

We can't get to the road no more. You haven't fucking tried.

Patrick, I agree with you. Patrick, I agree with you, I do.

But there's nowhere through that escape. I mean, you've seen them. We've got the

keys to a van.

So we'll just drive. We'll drive away. You can't just drive past.

They're not going to step aside like some fucking chambermaid.

We'll just, we'll... We'll just, we'll distract them. We'll distract them,

bait them away.

Okay, we'll bait them away from the gates long enough and then we'll drive

straight through.

With what? A ball of string? Look, they eat flesh, don't they, right? That's

what they eat.

We'll give them some.

It's a man -sized portion, a pedigree chum laying right there. Fuck off! No,

we'll chop them up. We'll chop them up!

We'll toss the best bits to the... Fucking ghoulies. They'll run after

Munch, munch. Thanks very much. We'll drive straight through. You're not doing

that. I didn't say it was going to be a genteel parlour game, you titted fucking

idiot. But it is worth a pissing shot. No, no, no, no, it's not.

Actually, I think we should at least consider it.

You should come and help me with this. It's not as bad as it looks.

Bunch of cowards.

I'll do it. I'll fucking do it.

Have that.

Lovely. Do that.

What the fucking matter with you?

Very backward fucking livestock.

Hey, think you've still got a fucking audience?

What are you going to do? Fucking sit here, breathing in each other's fucking

bum clouds until the sky falls in? Pardon me, but I am a fucking bit more

fucking ambitious than that. A bit more fucking ambitious. Thank you very much.

Come here, you.

That's a fucking work for a living. It's better trying to do a fucking wet fit,

hey?

Well, I'm telling you to do, Mum.

Maybe you'd know what that means.

But no.

Want it now. Want it fucking now. Well, come and get it.

Get this fucking bit out of here.

Look at that.

Precision. Get a precision and pride in your job.

It's not a lot to ask, is it?

Don't even... Don't even knock that in.

Look at this!

What is that?

Stop fucking crying, this is an escape plan!

Carol! Are you gonna let this fruitcake get away with this bullshit?

It's worth trying, babe!

Babe!

Oh, a live one?

You won't make it. I have got to go.

We're going to get to the nearest port. We're going to get the fuck out of

Britain. We can't. They don't come in.

Oh, fuck.

That's one of them water door things.

What's happened to that peanut butter?

It's the magic word.

Fuck off.

We need an escape plan.

We haven't thought of that. We'll bait them away from the gate long enough and

then we'll drive straight through.

With what?

They eat flesh, don't they, right? That's what they eat.

We'll give them some.

I'm not driving.

I know.

I didn't say it was going to be a genteel parlour game, you titted fucking

idiot.

You should come and help me with this. It's not as bad as it looks.

Oh, got a live one.

Oi!

I'm... I'm an old plastic.

Sworn this one, said someone.

Says he's normal.

Don't monkeys do then?

Do we?

I'm a normal person!

Rick.

Rick!

Rick! Did you hear him?

Rick!

The fuck's Rick?

What do you reckon? Gonna need more than this?

I stink, do I?

I stink.

Let's get you washed up and stop thinking about where we can go.

What?

You came from somewhere. This place is safe, right?

It's fucked up.

It's completely fucked up.

I mean, how far did you go?

This... No, no, no. This thing's global.

It's all right. It's not going to be over in six days or six months.

All that old stuff is gone.

You're going to take me away?

Baby, I... I don't mean to interrupt anything here, but my intro would be

Rick. You all right, man?

Rick? My friend called me Space.

Space? Yeah, I've seen you on the telly, man. Yeah? Yeah.

No, he's lying. He doesn't watch it. Well, I've been catching up recently,

believe.

Come on in.

That touching romance we've got here.

Everyone, this is Rick. Yeah, yeah.

Fuck, who are you? How did he get here?

Sorry? How did you get here?

Helicopter, magic mole machine, what? No, it jumped over the fence round the

back. The fence?

So that's like a safe route, is it? What the fuck is it? You're calling me those

things? Yeah, look, Rick's been outside, so we should listen to him. All right,

what is he, a tour guide?

No, actually, he's my boyfriend.

Oh, right.

Sorry, so you've come here to save her. How sweet.

Oh, I like it.

What's happening out there?

Basically, it's a wasteland.

Right, so how did you get here through this wasteland?

Down the river.

The river? In a boat?

Yeah. Sorry, who are you?

Tony Curtis, where is that boat now?

It's downstream.

Downstream? Yeah, it floated off.

Right, fucking right. So you didn't want to moor it up? A little bit. Are you on

some personal quest to redefine your neck, did you? I was being fucking

Right, oh, fucking boo -hoo. Right, thanks to Popeye the Sailor Man here,

van is still our best bet. Right, I have prepped the bait, so fucking vamoose,

chop -chop, let's go. You're not in charge. Yeah, we're not going anywhere.

Look, if that Mary's made it, there's going to be other survivors, OK?

No! You're going to spend all your time driving around, looking for somewhere,

half the security... You're not going to find it, mate. Yeah, there's food here,

solar panels, fortified fences. I mean, it makes more sense. You can't confuse

them with facts.

There's nothing out there, mate.

Nothing.

That's all we know. We're all there is.

Thank you very much for the pep talk. Very nice to meet you, Janice. Right,

we're going. Come on, let's go. We never decided. Don't tell me you believe that

bit of my boob. Can't even tie up a bow, for Christ's sake.

I was fucking changed, right? Yeah, yeah, you and your reasons.

I'm not going.

Fine, die here in cuckoo land. How about you?

This is right. Oh, he can speak for himself.

I'm staying. Oh, gross, I'm nuts.

Well, it's my decision, all right?

Oh, for one and that. Oh, right. Who do you think you are? Loved young dream

here in fucking cutie cottage. We sleep together.

Oh, what, she's holding you high, is she? Yeah, something like that. Oh,

wake up, Muttley. What? She only wiped her slit up your thigh for the

reel, you chimpanzee. No, I didn't. You would fuck a fisherman's dog if there

was a heat covering it for you.

Yeah, you would if it goes somewhere.

Stop!

This is crazy.

Look, Patrick, you're outvoted.

We haven't all spoken.

I've stayed.

You know this lot hate you. Who cares who said what?

Patrick, none of that matters anymore.

No -one's going anywhere.

I bloody am.

You don't get it, do you? You just don't get it. Get what?

So leave. You need to go through them gates, yeah? Yeah. So you open the

they're going to keep plugging in. And then we're all fucked.

So you have to stay. No, I don't. We have to.

We have to. Look, this is... That's the only way it's going to work.

We need to be realistic, Patrick.

Fuck off.

See you.

Losers.

Get out of my way.

What are you going to do? Get away.

Patrick, don't make me do this. Patrick, please don't force me to do this.

You're going to have to shoot me in the back, darling.

Don't fucking hit me!

Hold him, hold him, hold him!

Get off me, you fucker!

What a knob.

Is he always like that?

Yeah, the keen.

Drag him in there.

Tie him up good and tight.

I'd have had him then if you'd not kicked me in the nuts.

I don't like him being in there. I really need a wee.

Well, he won't be for much longer. We just need to talk some sense into him.

Good luck with that.

Look, I've worked with him, OK? He just gets a bit doodah when he's stressed.

You call that a bit doodah? Yeah, the month of walking, has it? Once it's off

the boil, he's almost human.

He's just at his worst.

He'll level out.

Look, babes, babes!

You can't talk someone down off the moon, all right?

And he is well on the moon.

Yeah, right.

I'm not going. I went last time.

No, go.

Well, look, he can't have wiggled out. I tied him up like a piglet.

Good, the fat fucking porker.

Sorry, I'm going to have to...

Can you breathe okay?

You start shouting the guy goes straight back on again, okay, okay?

Don't let them do this to me.

Please. It's your fault.

They're going to kill me.

No one is going to kill you. They will be working it out now.

He's tied up now. What happens when he ain't, eh?

As soon as any of us turns our backs, he's going to be trying to get out them

gates and fuck us all over. So we keep him tied up? For how long?

He says it's bad outside, yeah? We might be in here for keeps, yeah?

Well, Looney Tunes ain't going to stay tied up for keeps, is he?

He'll get out somehow.

He won't give up till he's got them gates opened and then it is game over

all of us.

That's true.

I mean, what are you trying to suggest? I mean, why don't you just fucking come

out and say it? All right.

All right.

There ain't much room for debate, Kelly.

It's extreme circumstances, isn't it?

OK.

I've seen this hundreds of times.

Look, if you break from the group, the group breaks you.

OK, we'll go.

When I've gone, when I'm out of the way, who's going to be the bottom of the

pile?

You will.

You're next.

They hate you.

They have told me time and time again in that diary room.

And what did they say?

You're old.

You're a pervert. You're pretentious.

You stink the bog out. Your clothes make you look like a cunt.

They have poured insults. Over you like buckets of cum.

Do you know what they call you when you're out the room?

Hey.

Gollum.

Gollum. Yeah.

Yeah.

Crowds that turn up holding signs that say Gollum out.

Talking fucking murder. Come on, it's self -defense.

It's like when Angel got bit, yeah?

We've got to act practically.

You can't trust him.

It's him or us, yeah? Yeah, it's not getting much more practical than that.

Just one shot from the back of the head.

No, no, we'll do the act.

Wiping ammo.

Oh, that's sweet.

Hey, Gollum's sick in his time, isn't he? What's he doing having a wank?

My brother.

Oh, don't do that.

Gollum wanking.

Let's take a vote, yeah? Like nominations.

It's all it is. It's only a game show.

There's been enough killing.

What do you propose we do?

Cripple him.

Cripple him?

Yeah, break his ankles. They'd be hammered to his feet.

It'll have to be pretty bad to stop him moving.

Yeah, we'll do it bad enough that he won't be going anywhere.

I don't like it.

Well, it's better than killing him. Look, she's right.

What do you think, babe?

Pretty hard to... Break an ankle so it don't set back right, innit?

You've got to crack it sideways, inward.

Fine.

I could chop the Achilles tendon, back of the heel.

Turns the feet into dead plates. Even if you wanted to use the van, he wouldn't

be able to operate the pedals.

What did you learn that from, man?

Saw Jack Bower do it on the telly.

No. It's not real life, is it? No.

If we're doing this, we're smashing his ankles, like in that film, Mystery.

Look, have we agreed?

Look, no killing, just the ankle. You're going to need a recount!

Get him out of here!

Get away from that now.

Joplin, get her a pea shooter.

I should have fucking killed him. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you didn't though, did you?

Joplin, what are you doing? What are you doing? Give me the gun. Give me the

gun. What are you up to?

Me? Me?

Fuck off. Joplin, you fucking shut it up. You don't need it. You can just go.

Joplin, what are you doing?

What are you doing?

Fucking set back. What the fuck are you doing? You want a gun? Go out there and

fight. Say that. You don't need it. Joplin, get the bait bowl and the keys.

What do you need?

Joplin! All right.

Have you got him? Are you playing up?

I'm sorry.

Oh, no, you're not. Just open the door. Fucking step back.

Stay back.

Deep breath. Everyone say bye -bye.

Bye -bye. Get out, Joplin.

Bye -bye. Bye.

I don't give a fuck.

Fuck off.

Stop letting me fucking do this. I'm really sorry, okay? All right, Desmond

Tutu, it's not the Guardian. Get in the fucking van.

Mate! Mate, have a look. I'm not a fucking plumber. Back off. Just don't

her. Don't hurt her.

You fucking clumsy idiot. Don't fucking...

They're coming for you to run!

What about Bonacron walking?

Makes you the winner.

He is Big Brother.

I'm going to fight my way through and I'm going to get it.

I'm going to get it.

They put a new date at the back of the gate.