Original subtitles

I mean, you know, what is TV, anyway?

It's just a big, fat arrow pointing away from the problem.

Especially shows like this.

It's like the lead in the water pipes that sent the Romans mad.

I thought to myself, okay, I can ignore it, or I can engage with and alter it

from within.

And if just one person hears me and thinks, wow, I never saw it like that,

guy's really opened my head, then I've justified doing it.

Grayson and Angel are in the diary room. Hello, Grayson. Hi, big brother. Hello,

Angel. How are you today?

I'm pissed off and I'm angry and we need your permission to kill someone.

Who would you like to kill?

Who do you think? What's the brawl? All right, so show me M and V looking really

pleased with themselves, OK? The chavvier, the better.

And lose spastic, otherwise Ofcom will be shit in blood for a week.

Who do you think won the bra?

Good. And last night, you could hear everything. It sounded like someone

spanking a wet rat. And who needs to hear that?

See, they even sound sick when they grunt.

Okay, so mark that for the best bit.

I don't.

Thanks. What is it? Kelly. That's the one. In your blueberry muffin.

In fact, Ham, I need it in 20 minutes.

If you're going to answer that, make it quick. Chloe's looking for you. Yeah,

I'm on it. Quick.

Oh, yeah, I can ring that, are you?

Right. Ah, asking where you were last night.

I told you.

We'll text him. What did you say?

The question was.

Okay. Please over a couple of details then.

Yeah, me and Rick have been together for ages and it's not my usual style, you

know.

You've got peers. Do you put your hand in the cookie jar?

Don't make it sound so innocent.

Yeah, well, was it?

I will be back later for the highlights. You tell me, Cal.

Listen, what happened last night was a mistake.

Yeah. And we must be really stupid because we kept repeating the same

over half three.

Yeah, thereabouts.

Yeah. I like to learn from my mistakes, and I don't think we fully went through

all the possible avenues for error, so... Dick.

I'd like to go over it with you later, see if we missed anything.

Oh, can you take Ashley into the BBLB room?

That's Sophie's job.

Yeah, she's still doing friends and family.

Fine. When you're done with that coffee, camera run, the gasping.

It's a little bit hectic, you say.

With the champagne and stuff and tea in the room, it's just really great.

Hey, Ashley.

Hi. Hi.

Everything all right, yeah? Looking after you, OK?

Patrick, producer.

Do you want me to fire you?

Shit, erm...

Sorry, man. Man, just do your job.

No one even there. Move the camera.

Jesus Christ.

Hi,

this is Kelly.

I'm not here to take a call right now, so if you leave me a message, I'll get

back to you. Bye.

What?

anyone from entering or leaving the area.

Get your fucking baps out of that chair.

Now.

37 minutes to go, minions.

Do you even know what a minion is? No? Don't look offended, then.

Where's Sophie?

Anybody know where Sophie is? Hello?

Excuse me. Come on. Gormless. Where's Sophie?

Sophie, she's picking up people's mums. Well, fucking hell, she should have been

here by five. Get her for me.

What's the latest?

Numbers are way down. Right.

Network issues are coming. Okay, so the headline is? Well, Grayson is safe.

Good. Marky is the favourite for the chop, but there's only a pixel between

and Pippa.

Oh, God. Well, rather her than him. Look at that. Face like a Manchester Morgue.

We should nominate you, Sour Flats.

Is that your eviction outfit?

Oi, Barbara.

I said, is that your eviction outfit?

My name is Grayson. G -R.

A -Y -M -C -A.

Ooh, Claire, voice of God.

This is Big Brother.

Could Grayson come to the diary room? Ha!

He's starting it!

Oh, you're such an idiot.

You want to drown me? You really should come with subtype.

Fucking had it with this northern twat.

Oh,

God, talk about pleased with himself.

Just post -shag euphoria.

I remember that.

What are you for?

Tell me you are around the corner.

Sorry, Patrick, we've had a mail.

All the main routes were chockers, so I was trying to work some back row magic

now. You were supposed to be here fucking three hours ago.

Yes. Stop saying yes. Right.

Now, you should have been here three hours ago, in friends and family, in

hospitality, with that fucking moaning Scottish bird's mother.

Fucking sick of this.

Fucking get back here pronto.

No.

Pick that up.

Your boss isn't upset, I hope.

It's eviction night, so he's a bit stressed.

It's a very stressful line of work.

Right, shit. Bye.

Fuck.

Claire. Yeah.

We might bump tonight's show.

Why? Because of this shit.

One fucking estate on fire in Newcastle and a couple of policemen killed in

Liverpool.

Jesus.

Stockwell, Cardiff, Portsmouth, all bollocks. If this gets much worse, we

going to be bumped for a news update.

Brilliant.

What are people like? Anyway, it's not the 80s. They've got distractions. They

should stay and watch Dally.

I'm just not feeling this no more.

Too many arguments.

What are you doing? Don't put that shit in

there. They can't kill because of all

the preservatives in the sea.

Is that a phone?

It's a phone.

Jimmy!

It's me, Kelly.

This is Kelly.

Find out who it is. Jesus Christ.

They don't have to do that, do they? Hello?

Hello?

He's fucking Golda.

Hello.

Oh, finally.

Yeah, look, Rick, it's eviction night. It's not really a good time.

Because you've been mugged.

What?

Yes, a family flags me down, right? A mum, dad, kid by the side of a road,

right? There's no car, but I figure there's been an accident. The kid's

bleeding, yeah?

Jesus! The mum pulls a knife. The mum!

Fuck, are you all right?

Yeah, well, I pretty much nearly shat myself.

And I'm stuck somewhere on fucking... Oh, I filmed on Twitter trying to get a

train home.

Well, I don't know what I can do.

Yeah, I know, I know. I'm just venting, you know, so...

I've been trying all day.

Yeah, I know. It's just been a bit mad.

Right.

Are you going to crash at Claire's again tonight?

I don't know.

How did this happen, Kel?

Look, can we talk later?

Right, so you joined your little media cult and they're getting rid of your

excess baggage. Is that it, Kel?

Is that it, Kel?

No, I...

Rick?

Hello, hello, Queen Dee.

Oh, hey, Patrick.

Hey. How are you?

Um, well, I'm a bit concerned, actually.

Really? How so?

Well, I heard that we might get bumped for the news.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

Promise?

Not unless this really is the end of the world, which... Right.

OK, well, I'll keep my fingers crossed then. Yeah, and you break one of those

rather lovely legs.

All right, bye -bye.

Did you know that? I don't.

Never spook, never spook the talent, all right? Even if there is a mushroom

about to go off behind them, especially if they're about to go live, OK? It is

page one stuff there. I didn't tell her.

You told me. Yeah.

Davina will stop talking when the music kicks in. That's your cue to go

absolutely bizarre.

Keep it going until you hear Davina talking.

All right, guys? Stand by.

Hey.

Hey.

Have you got no signal?

Mm. Yeah, no one's got one.

Yeah, probably a long -time cloud.

Huh?

I'm going to try in the office.

Right, well, I'll see you in a bit, right?

Hang on a minute. My sound has gone down again.

Where is the sound? Just move it back up. Put four up. Bring four up, for

sake.

Move that camera off her. I can't stand her fucking face.

Look at him.

Anything?

Nobody's picking up from the channel.

Stop it. No news is good news.

Right, man the lifeboat. Come on.

Grayson, Marky and Pippa. Three little piggies. But who's going to be squealing

all the way home tonight?

I know this job.

I thought you liked it.

I do.

All I do is fetch coffee.

But, I don't know.

The show and the crowds and everything.

It's not really real, is it?

Do you know what I mean?

You don't really.

There's a doctor in the studio. We'll go there.

I'm now going to talk to the house.

Big Brother House, this is Davina.

You are live on Channel 4. Please do not swear.

Bye!

Grayson. Yes.

The votes have been counted and verified and I can now reveal that the next

person to be evicted from the Big Brother house is...

I can't just go now.

Fuck it. I need someone to correct.

Just get someone to get them.

Kel?

Yeah?

Sorry, but someone urgently requires nicotine gum.

Cool, I'm on it. Shop's still open. I can make it.

Oh, and you still owe me those mucky details. Yeah, cheers. Thanks for that.

Okay.

Are you sure?

Hey. Oh, hi.

Oh, the fingering in here.

Joplin has literally worn that shirt the whole fucking time.

Imagine what that smells like.

Pippa, you have 30 seconds to say your goodbyes. I'm coming to get you!

It's going to be fine. It's going to be all right. It's all going to be fine. It

will be fine. Look, Davina will look after you, remember?

10,

9, 8, 7, 6, 5,

4, 3, 2, 1.

Pippa, you have been evicted.

Please leave the Big Brother house.

Come off the garden. Fucking hell.

Ladies and gents, it's Pippa!

They're going nuts.

She'll be all right. She'll be all right.

At Big Brother House, the storeroom door is now open.

He

had

a thing with me, you know.

What?

Yeah, when we were on I'm a Celebrity.

We screwed.

In a hammock.

Didn't I?

I cannot imagine living next door to people like that.

Betra had sex in the bedroom.

Joplin, Joplin.

Is that actually what Jonathan was putting out? Yeah, what?

That.

Well, get the fuck out.

Hello? Is it love? Is it love? Is it love? Is it? Is it? No.

Nothing.

That's a public boy, isn't it?

What's your boyfriend's name again?

Your real one, that is.

What is your fucking problem?

Danny? Oh, Romeo's back, is he?

What happened?

is to seek shelter immediately.

Alright. No alarm this morning.

It's a bit weird, isn't it?

Right, cheeks.

Don't! Get on.

I'm going to make some eggs, you want some?

There aren't any.

Grayson had a fried egg sandwich last night.

For fuck's sake!

Right. Oh, come on. Watch out.

I'll mark it up.

What's that?

That's for the egg.

What do you mean, egg? You having the laugh for the eggs!

Fuck this, I'm out.

What's Grayson done?

Eaten an egg.

How long have you been awake, Angel?

About half an hour. And you haven't had your mic on all that time?

Thanks, big brother. Why don't you say something?

I'm sorry.

Big brother's going to give you a red carpet.

No mics.

No alarms.

And the cameras ain't moving.

Big brother ain't watching us.

There's no fucking camera, there's no fucking point. They might be broken.

All of them.

There could be electrics. They're doing it on purpose.

Yeah, look, I could pass.

Where the cameras don't move. Well, like, that's going to be entertaining.

Don't they want to see how we react to a sudden absence of authority?

Well, it's freaking me right out. That's what they want. Don't give it to them.

We're not freaked out.

I'm going on the roof. But we're not allowed up there. Exactly. If they don't

stop me, we know something's definitely wrong.

They'll throw you out. Just leave him. Let him throw him out. Yeah, but... Do

you know what?

Fuck him. Is it like... Look.

Oh, my God. That's what it is. They've given us a new housemate.

She's a bit strange.

What's your name, then?

Hello.

Hello?

Hello?

Oi, yell!

Fine, whatever.

Are you a monk?

She might be. What? Is that fake blubbering?

Don't listen to them. They're idiots, sweetheart.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Let Joppa in.

Go on, Jop.

Hello? My name is Joplin.

I am happy to meet you.

There's one in there.

One what?

Have you been outside all this time?

Can I ask you a question?

How am I coming across?

Oh, you big queen.

Am I popular?

You're the favourite.

Now, what's the glass for you?

I'm the favourite.

Is that fake blood?

He's the favourite.

You must try harder.

Attention!

Oh, she's mental. Look at her, her mechanism's gone.

No, she's just attention -seeking.

Ignore her, she'll stop.

Jesus! Oh!

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

I'm not acting, I work here.

Well, I win the clean.

Something's happening.

Some sort of outbreak.

People get this thing and... Thing?

They want to kill you and they change.

And then the bums fall off.

What do you mean they change?

I don't know, they're dead.

Dead? Sorry, what did you say?

They're dead.

They're dead and they're still alive.

They're everywhere. That's what I'm trying to tell you. There's one in here.

This is quality, this is.

I'm an house of all shit.

You're brilliant, you.

Come on now, that's enough.

Oh, dear.

Get off my fucking seat.

Dear big brother, may I say, how impressed I was at your inclusion of a

mentally unhinged woman into the house.

Maybe something has happened.

I just want to know. No, no, no.

Even if she's not mentally ill, she's in very poor taste. Yeah, I agree.

Well, you seriously think there's a bunch of dead biffers strolling about

people? No. Coming to get you, Barbara.

Well, I just want it noted that I do not approve of this. Shut up! Shut up, you

fucking idiot!

You fucking idiot!

I'm going to tell you, there's one in there!

Calm down. Calm down.

Calm down.

Just calm down.

Channel 4, don't swear or say fucking nothing.

Just be quiet.

Maybe he's deaf. I'm dead.

Don't do that. There's nothing here.

Nothing. Marky, get away from that. It's a far exit.

Don't open that door.

What, this door?

If you open that door, I'll stab you.

What?

Marky, don't wind her up. Seriously.

It's fucking weird.

I'll just have another one.

Please do not swear. Mark that for the best bit.

I don't... Thanks. What is it? Kelly. That's the one.

You've got peers. You put your hand in the cookie jar. You make it sound so

innocent.

Rick, it's eviction night. It's not really a good time. I've been mugged.

Fuck, are you all right?

I might bump for tonight's show.

Because of this shit.

The next person to be evicted from the Big Brother house is... How did

this happen, Kel?

What's your boyfriend's name again?

Your real one, that is.

What's going on?

They're going batshit out of there.

Danny?

Something's happening.

Some sort of outbreak.

People get this thing and change.

They want to kill you.

Big brother ain't watching us.

one what

Hello?

Jesus.

No, this isn't happening.

No, this is not happening.

And if it is happening, it's not happening to me.

That's it.

Okay? Is this the way out?

No, no, hey, you, you, you, whoever you are, I don't care if that is part of the

programme or not. I am not staying here.

Listen, listen to me. Calm down.

We're staying here.

Really.

There's got to be somewhere we can go.

Trust me, outside is a bad idea.

How bad?

Are they?

My name was Claire.

And they're dead?

Yeah.

It's got to be some terrorist bollocks. They've released some loony gas.

Loony gas?

Have you got a better explanation?

The government or army must have tested something they shouldn't. What, like GM

food or something?

Maybe. Or Wi -Fi.

God knows what that does to your molecules.

Does this mean we're not on telly anymore?

Oh, what?

Bleeding.

Fucking hell.

How do you turn this thing off?

Fucking robot bollock.

Let me see.

Give it to me.

Why? Because I'm asking you, fetus.

Oh, my God, you're so rude.

Yeah? Why don't you start compiling a book of your fucking theories?

Look out!

The homeless wins it all.

Shut up!

Shut it!

supplies. What? Get some fucking supplies.

What, like water in it?

Before the news went off, said to barricade your doors.

Don't know how long this will last.

Give us a bag.

Short supply.

Got 60 stacked on your bed.

You know, I'm saving up for a special occasion.

Merry fucking Christmas.

Where did you get a gun from?

eBay. Really?

Where do you drive from?

Clapham. I live in Stockwell.

No, you don't.

Is this happening in London at all? Do you want to get out and walk?

No. Well then, be useful.

I don't know where we're going.

The coast.

Which coast?

Whichever's nearest.

I don't know where we are right now, do I?

Open the fucking boot thing, fucking bonnet thing. Come on, hurry up.

Oh, fuck.

Lift the bonnet.

Pop it.

Fucking tools in the van.

There's hair and skin and shit in your car, man.

Not my car.

We hit one of those things.

Can you fix it? Yeah, I'm just trying to work out what's wrong with it first,

right? If it's that knocking noise, it could be water in it.

It shouldn't be like that.

Are you sure that was one of those things?

No.

Are you fixing that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm on it. Just, um...

Stop huffing, you'll use up all the air.

It's not a submarine, you specimen.

Do you know how air works?

Well, you've just wasted more air.

Do you even understand what is going on here? Or is the whole world just colours

and shapes and the occasional noise in your head?

Oh, stay out of it.

It's getting dark.

I know.

So hurry up.

You know, this whole relentless criticism thing of yours is really

That'll attract more of them, so get a move on.

What's happening?

She's going into shock.

Would you not be in that shock? Get back, he's done enough of it.

Come on.

Oh, they're down. Oh, my God, you're putting them next to each other.

Oh, they're down!

She's on the bus!

She's on the bus!

OK.

OK.

We, er... We're outside.

We can't do that.

It's dangerous.

She's OK while she's still alive.

We need to move her, put her in the greener. We're not moving her. She's in

shock. If she dies, she becomes one of them things in here.

Outside, she's trapped.

We're not fucking moving her.

She's right. We've got to move her.

Come on.

Come on!

Look,

if you can't fix it... You know what? I'm just trying to get my head around

whole end -of -the -world thing. It's not my usual environment.

Well, the sooner you come to terms with it, the more chance you've got of

surviving. I am surviving, and it's not easy.

What have you done?

You've done nothing.

I've had a van stolen. I've been chased. My fuck knows. I've been in a carriage.

Well, I've been shot at. Have you shot anyone?

Have you had to do that yet? No, no, no. Have you shot a friend? Have you shot a

best friend?

Have you done that? Have you? Have you pulled the trigger and seen your best

friend's head?

and walked around in a dream with her blood running down your face and in your

mouth, picking shards of skull from your jumper like cat's teeth.

Have you done that?

Have you?

No, I can't say I have. All right, don't talk to me about surviving until you

have!

I won't. Good.

That's for not fixing the car.

We should check out the house.

How many bullets have I left?

One.

Right. At least we know we're alone then.

I need a slash.

I need a slash.

But the toilet's over here.

Yeah, I know.

You're not going down here.

Turn your back.

I think you hold it in. I've been holding it in. Just turn away.

Oh, my God, that's disgusting.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Dad. Oh, shut up.

Be careful as you put her down.

I tie her up.

Why? It's a precaution to focus on her breathing.

Get your new girlfriend out of here.

Look, it's imperative that you keep her alive. Do you understand?

I'm a charge nurse. You don't have to tell me.

Can you keep her alive?

Can you?

Yeah, I can. But I need more than this city first aid kit.

I need haemostatic dressing, epinephrine, morphine. Basically, I need

pharmacy. Can you get me that?

Stay with me.

Angel.

You know where we can get that medical stuff from, don't you?

If you do, you need to let us know right now. Yeah. You're all right.

You're all right, I do. I know.

Bollocks.

Look.

It's out there.

A supermarket out there with a chemist of all sorts of prescription stuff.

Well, that's exactly what we need.

That's perfect. No, it's not perfect, cos it's out there.

How far is it?

It's close.

I really wish I didn't know that.

Through the gate, can't be more than a mile.

Used to get the producers' lifting gun from there.

Lightweight.

Right, well, we can do that on foot.

Too risky.

See that van?

Yeah.

What are the keys?

Nice one.

If they get too excited, that's part two of the plan.

What's part one?

Dunno. We need to get part three done first.

Right, well, we'll just run for it.

No, we won't.

Well, we might make it.

Yeah, well, we might think of something else.

Well, you better think... What was the name of that show with the sheepdogs and

that?

What, one man and his dog? Yeah.

Yeah, that's the one.

I used to love that shit.

Come on!

Over here!

Yeah!

This house has a back door.

We're back. Don't think.

Dive. I'm sure.

All right.

I don't care if that is part of the program. I am not staying here.

Talk to me.

Outside. Bad idea.

Shut up!

Who are they?

The government or army must have tested something they shouldn't.

This means we're not on telly anymore.

We should stop her. and you'll use up all the air? Do you even understand what

is going on here? Or is the whole world just colours and shapes and the

occasional noise in your head?

Get some fucking supplies.

Now!

If he dies, he becomes one of them things in here.

Outside, she's trapped.

She's right.

We've got to move her.

At least we know where he landed.

Can you keep her alive?

Yes, I can. But I need more than this. The contents of a pharmacy.

Can you get me that?

You know where we can get that medical stuff from, don't you?

Supermarket out there with a chemist of all sorts of prescription stuff.

How far is it?

Close.

No! Shit!

That's right, that's right.

On the back it's safer.

It's clear for now.

Keep the engine running.

If you see anything, keep banging that horn, right?

Cool.

Go shopping.

TV went off the first night.

Oh, God, it's the Big Brother live feed.

They must have evacuated the studio.

Hurrah. My girlfriend works here.

On that?

Yes, and I'm worried about her.

Well, if the house is empty, then she'll have been evacuated too.

Yes, sir.

What was that?

It is highly recommended to everyone to go to emergency shelters the most.

There's a bloody clock in this place.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What are you poking me for?

Acupuncture.

Not now, it's not.

Do you understand me?

I pray that means hell to her.

I'm sorry.

Angel.

No way.

No way. Check that out.

Only on the front cover of eight.

Rubbish in bed.

What the... Desperate from... What a load of shit. They don't have to get

a load of shit in that magazine.

I'm minty, Ben.

Not as funny as he thinks. I'm well funny. Okay.

Don't mention that to anyone we get back in the hour.

Down! All right, all right, all right. Stay down! All right, all right.

So what are we going to do with him then, Dev?

I haven't made my mind up yet, bub.

Hang on, you're that fellow off Big Brother, aren't you?

Yeah, no, no, it is. He's that sort of black one, you know. I don't know, I

don't watch it.

You know, you're shorter in real life.

Well, he's on his knees, isn't he, bub?

Look, mate, I... I'll ask the questions. What are you doing here?

I'm just getting supplies, medical supplies.

So you're looting? No, I'm not looting. So you're looting?

Well, given the circumstances, we'll let you off with a caution.

So what, can I get up then, yeah?

Well, you could say thank you.

Thank you. Where are you going, battling?

Not playing their countryside tour, I hope. That would be a mistake.

Have you got somewhere to hole up?

Where do you think? What Big Brother asked?

Is that, um, Veronica still there?

Yeah. Oi, mate, she is wealthy.

Veronica?

Yeah?

Would you like a cup of chai?

I'm all right, thanks.

Sorry, is that all right thanks as in you would like one or...?

I'm all right, thanks, as in I wouldn't.

Second one.

Sorry, it... I don't want one.

Right.

OK?

How do you untie me?

I know you're there, Jocelyn.

You know, you should have just asked me for a quick flash.

Because it's the end of the world and I might have felt sorry for you.

But you didn't, which is a shame.

Because what you're doing is a bit creepy, isn't it?

Oven chips.

They're essential.

So what if there's a power cut and you're eating frozen?

If there's a power cut, they'll be trussed.

What, and you're eating cold and mushy?

For the first time.

OK.

Come on, hurry up.

I think there's somewhere we should be trying to head for.

Like where?

Well, I don't know. Who's in charge?

You haven't heard of them?

Come on, please, Dave. It's only a little one, look at me.

Bite's a bite, Bob.

Sorry, mate.

I really am sorry, mate.

I had to do that.

There's nothing else you can do for a bite.

You die, you come back as one of them. That's how it works, and it works

fast. I just threw that thing down.

If you know I haven't been pissing around in the first place, the advice

stay indoors.

Or don't you watch telly.

What's that?

Is that a bite?

No, no, no.

No, he's not biting. He's not biting.

He's telling the truth. He's telling the truth. Back off, sunshine.

You're not looking back. You're not looking back.

Bollocks, I'm not taking the challenge.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Come on. We've got to go. Come on. Go.

Go. Baby, let's go. Go.

Go. Go.

Shit.

We had no choice for that.

Do you hear me? He's right, yeah.

He's in on us.

You've got me choking.

My God, you're not going to be sad.

Shut up.

You finished?

Pass me a napkin.

There's the napkin bite. Pass me that fucking napkin now!

Glad you applied.

I hate you.

Shit.

Wait. We'll rush him with a do -lay, there. Pin him down with this.

And you, do him with the knife. Oh, no. No way.

We'll rush him with a do -lay and I'll stab him.

Which they're going to be?

I can't. Jocelyn!

We ain't having him run around out there.

I want Marky and that he's going to come back from the supermarket through that

door there. We've got to get rid before that happens or I'll kill them all. I

told you that I can't. There isn't any choice, you dick.

What are you doing?

Don't stop the car today. You've got to shut the gate. What?

They're going to keep pouring in from outside if we don't shut the gate.

So you might as well do it while we're here.

These are damn shit.

Okay.

Yeah, but I'm the driver, innit?

Yes, I'm trying to focus.

OK, I'm trying to visualise. Fuck that. Just make sure you pin his head down

under that. Cover his teeth. What if he gets loose?

We'll do it right and won't. What if he does?

Then he'll probably kill us.

What do you want me to say? Stop being a nine -year -old. OK.

Yeah, all right.

OK. Great.

Let's just get this over with.

They said it won't.

There's got to be other people out there hitting for the coast.

I've told you, the ports are overrun, and if anything, it's worth over the

Channel.

Face it...

We could set the walls out there, make sure they're secure.

Really, Alex?

Is it Eric?

Why torture yourself?

Look, there's still a signal.

I don't know.

It's a big studio. She could have found somewhere.

You been with her long?

It's really long.

Beats my record.

It would have been five next month.

I need the next month.

You love her.

Does that make me some kind of pussy to you?

No.

Quite stupid, isn't he?

Not in the brightest parts.

Can't even get out of sight.

Don't know the debt.

Good old British public.

Yeah, you're right.

We're all like the thickest shit.

So as long as we're still breathing, we're smarter than them.

And that's why we're going to beat them.

Other people.

Shit.

We're not the only ones.

We're not the only ones.

They're miles away.

You might as well be looking at cartoon characters.

That's her.

That's her.

That's her.

She's alive.

That's my girl.

That's her. That's her. She's a girl.

Good girl.

Good girl.

Kelly.

Kelly.

Good girl, girl.

She's alive.

Get in, girl.

That's her.

She's alive.

It's a Big Brother live feed. Hurrah. My girlfriend works here. On that?

Yes, and I'm worried about her.

You're that fella off Big Brother, innit? You know, you're shorter in real

Bullocks, I'm not taking the job.

Sorry.

They're going to keep pouring in from outside if you don't shut the gate.

As long as we're still breathing, we're smarter than them.

We're probably going to beat them.

That's her!

She's alive!

Good girl!

She'll be no more.

No problem.

Why are you coming towards the house like that?

Bloody do. Easier to pick up.

Yeah, but why?

Some kind of primitive intuition, maybe.

They feel the need to be near us.

I mean, don't forget, this place used to be like a church to them.

Maybe they can just smell bullshit.

Right,

that's the last of them.

Clear for now. Just the ones we can't see and those at the gates.

Right, right.

That's a light machine.

It's not a machine, it's a lamp.

Well, it lights up the room.

Well, it's dead now.

Bad for the environment, wasting light.

I'm not wasting it.

I'm turning it into something else.

What, like recycling?

If you like.

It's only 36 miles.

That's a long way on foot with those things around.

I'm not just going to sit here, am I? You won't make it. I can't not try.

I can see her, do you know what I mean?

I can't just stay here and play farmhouse kitchen with you.

Look, we've got to think long term.

We're away from the city.

There's a wall around these grounds.

We can eat veg from the garden and catch fish in the river.

What river?

Fucking stand up. Stand up!

Go over to the door.

Move!

Listen to me.

Stand there. You put your hand on the door. Put your hand on the fucking

Shut up and listen.

You're going to open that door and you are going to slam it.

Fucking slam it on her when she's halfway in. Do you understand what

Do you understand?

Say yes. I understand.

Then are you ready?

It is this, or we take it in turn, shitting in the bin until we starve to

Does that appeal?

No? Then are you ready?

Do not fuck this up.

All right?

Get ready.

No! No!

I can do what I like.

Oh, thank God.

What are you doing? I didn't tell me this ran through the grounds.

It's got the DNA through the map.

Yeah, in the black water.

And it's around the back of the studios.

Yeah, sorry. What a fate that is.

We're safe here.

And I have got to go.

Well... You can't just stay here on your own, can you?

I packed your bag.

Thank you.

What's with the axe? Oh, where's the gun?

No ammo.

There is. You said we've got one bullet left.

I only said that to make you feel better.

What would you have done if there was one of those things in there?

Outrun you.

Hey.

What's that?

Nuts.

Zoo.

Nuts and zoo, man.

Now that is the axis of wanking. Oh.

Oh, Nando's. Mac D's.

Classy. Let me tell you something, yeah? When you wake up in the morning and

you've got, like, a massive hangover, there is nothing better than a good Egg

McMuffin. Mm.

Yeah, I'll give you that.

It's a little cure, isn't it?

Come on, we'll have track here.

It's ended.

Lost. Doctor who?

I'm good. It's a kid's job.

It's not a kid's job. It is.

I promise.

I'm not already finished.

We're talking about things that have ended prematurely because of this mess.

Come on, Job. This is where you want to play a game, right?

YouTube.

SpaceX. Oh, shit.

MySpace.

Amazon.

Nah, you're on it.

Is that where you make Big Brother?

Yes.

Shut up.

He's a new one.

Hello. Hello.

Hello. It's even working. Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello. Oh, my God, I'm being wrecked. Bang, bang.

Bang, bang. Bang, bang. Bang, bang. Bang, bang. Bang, bang. Bang, bang.

bang. Bang, bang. Bang, bang. Bang, bang. Bang, bang.

Bang,

bang. Kelly, that's it. Listen, we are trapped in the gallery.

Wait, who are you with? Are you okay?

Fuck!

I was stuck in the room and he didn't appear and it stank.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Listen, fuck the reunion. You've got to get us out of here.

Can you make your way across the car park? Is it safe?

Ish. Ish?

Well, we've closed the main gate and cleared most of the ones in the

What do you mean, cleared? Probably me.

Jesus, where the fuck... Where the fuck did that come from?

It's a long story. Fine, just come and get us out then.

Babe, we can't. We are trapped in here.

How many of those things are there up there?

It's one thing picking them off the roof, but it's another heading out

Said the man with the gun for the man with the pointy stick.

I'm sorry, mate, it's not worth the risk. Fuck you.

What's he doing? What are you doing? What are you playing at? Patrick.

Shut us up. Is this guy for real?

Oh, right, right, right. No dialogue, just instant abuse of human rights, eh?

Oh, fuck off, Shami Chakrabarti. Try this.

Fuck off! What are you doing?

Who's house do you think you're standing in, you stupid fetish shit?

Yeah, well, you can't go up there, man. You're seeing spirits. They haven't.

Stay here, then.

I've got you covered!

Don't worry about it, it's just brother.

It is Brian.

You took your time.

We should pass by an old abbey, and then some wood for half a mile later.

The studio's behind us.

Right.

So what's the best way back down?

What am I, fucking invisible? I'm talking to you.

Fucking hell.

Yeah, what are you looking for? Crown Court?

Come on. It's worth a try. I heard something on the radio. What?

Some foreign stuff.

Saying what? I don't know. I don't speak foreign enough. You know what? A

foreign voice is good enough for me. We're going to get to the nearest port.

We're going to get the fuck out of Britain. Come on.

We can't. Why not?

We'll see.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, my God.

I don't like it.

Just keep coming.

Look, it's still not safe here. We need to get back into town.

Oh, fuck.

It's the best place to be right now.

Shit, that's one of them water door things, innit? A lot.

Hurry. Everyone, this is Patrick.

Hi, Patrick.

Fucking starving.

Patrick, it's got a laugh.

You've got a biodome. Grow some fucking cosettes or something.

Here, Prince.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Not in here. I'm trying to give up. Take it

outside, you dirty bastard.

What?

What?

Pass me that peanut butter.

It's the magic word.

Fuck off.

Fucking hell.

I liked our farmhouse.

I'm so sorry.

I know.

The guy's a dickhead.

You don't want to work under that.

Yeah, just let him walk it out.

Poor bastard's got a lot to come to terms with.

And who ain't? The whole world's gone fucking tipped up and we don't even know

why. Well, I'd still take some sort of terrorist attack, you know. No, it's

bigger than that.

The sea gave up the dead which were in it, and death and hell delivered up the

dead which were in them, and they were judged every man according to their

works.

Judgment day.

It's in the Bible.

You can't wheel out the Bible. Hold on, I thought you were an atheist.

Yes. Are you trying to say that God's punishing us? No, I'm not saying God

If it's Iraq, yeah, I never agreed to that in the first place, so that

be fair anyway.

Or the other place, Palestine. I'm not even saying there is a God. But if there

is, maybe all this is happening because he or she or it is judging

our culture and smiting us accordingly.

Yeah, but why be such a cunt about it?

It's like a loser's convention in here.

Proud of yourselves.

Want another flag, Patrick?

Oddly enough, I don't, Cathy.

Kelly. Yeah, whatever.

We need an escape plan.

We haven't thought of that. Think of it as a task, if that helps.

Come on, we should hit the road.

We can't get to the road no more. You haven't fucking tried.

Patrick, I agree with you. Patrick, I agree with you, I do.

But there's nowhere through that escape. I mean, you've seen them. We've got the

keys to a van.

So we'll just drive. We'll drive away. We can't just drive past.

They're not going to step aside like some fucking chambermaid.

We'll just, we'll... We'll just, we'll distract them. We'll distract them,

bait them away.

Okay, we'll bait them away from the gates long enough and then we'll drive

straight through.

With what? A ball of string? Look, they eat flesh, don't they, right? That's

what they eat.

We'll give them some.

The man -sized portion, the pedigree chum laying right there. Fuck off! No,

we'll chop them up. We'll chop them up!

We'll toss the best bits to the fucking ghoulies.

We'll run after that. Munch, munch. Thanks very much. We'll drive straight

through. You're not doing that. I didn't say it was going to be a genteel

parlour game, you titted fucking idiot. But it is worth a pissing shot. No, no,

no, no, it's not.

Actually, I think we should at least consider it.

You should come and help me with this. It's not as bad as it looks.

Bunch of cowards.

I'll do it. I'll fucking do it.

Have that.

Lovely. Do that.

What the fucking matter with you?

Bloody backwards fucking livestock.

audience. What are you going to do? Fucking sit here breathing in each

fucking bum clouds until the sky falls in. Pardon me, but I am a fucking bit

more fucking ambitious than that. A bit more fucking ambitious. Thank you very

much. Come here, you.

That's a fucking work for a living. It's better trying to do a fucking quick

fit. Hey.

Well, I'm telling you to do, Mum.

Maybe you'd know what that means.

But no.

Want it now.

Want it fucking now. Well, come and get it.

Get this fucking bit out of here.

Look at that.

Precision. See a precision and pride in your job.

It's not a lot to ask, is it?

Don't even... Don't even knock that in.

Look at this!

What is that?

Stop fucking crying, this is an escape plan!

Carol! Are you gonna let this fruitcake get away with this bullshit?

trying. Babe!

Babe!

Oh, got a live one?

You won't make it. I have got to go.

We're going to get to the nearest port. We're going to get the fuck out of

Britain. We can't. They just keep coming.

Oh, fuck.

That's one of them water door things.

What's happened to that peanut butter?

It's the magic word.

Fuck off.

We need an escape plan. We haven't thought of that. We'll bait them away

the gates long enough and then we'll drive straight through.

With what?

They eat flesh, don't they, right? That's what they eat.

We'll give them some.

I'm not going.

I know.

I didn't say it was going to be a genteel parlour game, you titted fucking

idiot.

You should come and help me with this. It's not as bad as it looks.

Oh, got a live one.

Oi!

I'm an old plastic.

Sworn this one, said someone.

I'm normal!

Says he's normal.

Don't fuckies do, then! Do we?

I'm a normal person!

Rick.

Rick!

Rick! Did you hear him?

Rick!

Fuck's Rick?

What do you reckon? Do I need more than this?

I stink, do I?

I stink.

Let's get you washed up and start thinking about where we can go.

What?

You came from somewhere. This place is safe, right? It's fucked up.

It's completely fucked up.

I mean, how far did you go?

This... No, no, no. This thing's global.

It's all right. It's not going to be over in six days or six months.

All that old stuff is gone.

You're going to take me away?

Baby, I... I don't mean to interrupt anything here, but my intro would be

Rick. You all right, man?

Rick? My friend called me Space.

Space? Yeah, I seen you on the telly, man. Yeah? Yeah.

No, he's lying. He doesn't watch it. Well, I've been catching up recently,

believe.

Come on in.

That touching romance we got here.

Everyone, this is Rick. Yeah, yeah.

Fuck who he is. How did he get here?

Sorry? How did you get here?

Helicopter, magic mole machine, what? No, it jumped over the fence round the

back. The fence?

So that's like a safe route, is it? What the fuck is it? You're calling me those

things? Yeah, look, Rick's been outside, so we should listen to him. All right,

what is he, a tour guide?

No, actually, he's my boyfriend.

Oh, right.

Sorry, so you've come here to save her. How sweet.

Oh, I like it.

What's happening out there?

Basically, it's a wasteland.

Right, so how did you get here through this wasteland?

Down the river.

The river? In a boat?

Yeah. Sorry, who are you?

Tony Curtis, where is that boat now?

It's downstream.

Downstream? Yeah, it floated off.

Right, fucking right. So you didn't want to moor it up? A little bit. Are you on

some personal quest to redefine ineptitude?

I'll be fucking cheap.

Right. Oh, fucking boo -hoo. Right, thanks to Popeye the Sailor Man here,

van is still our best bet. Right, I have prepped the bait, so fucking vamoose,

chop -chop, let's go. You're not in charge. Yeah, we're not going anywhere.

Look, if that Mary's made it, there's going to be other survivors, OK? No!

You're going to spend all your time driving around, looking for somewhere

the security... You're not going to find it, mate. Yeah, there's food here,

solar panels, fortified fences. I mean, it makes more sense. You can't use them

with fat.

There's nothing out there, mate.

Nothing.

That's all we know. We're all there is.

Thank you very much for the pep talk. Very nice to meet you, Janice. Right,

we're going. Come on, let's go. We never decided. Don't tell me you believe that

bit of my boob. Can't even tie up a bow, for Christ's sake.

I was fucking changed, right? Yeah, yeah, you and your reasons.

I'm not going.

Fine, die here in cuckoo land. How about you?

This is right. Oh, he can speak for himself.

I'm staying. Oh, gross, I'm not.

Well, it's my decision, all right?

Oh, for one and that. Oh, right. Who do you think you are? Love's young dream

here in fucking cutie cottage. We sleep together.

Oh, what, she's holding you high, is she? Yeah, something like that. Oh,

wake up, Muttley. What? She only wiped her slit up your thigh for the

reel, you chimpanzee. No, I didn't. You would fuck a fisherman's dog if there

was a heat covering it for you.

Yeah, you would if it goes somewhere.

Stop!

This is crazy.

Look, Patrick, you're outvoted.

We haven't all spoken.

I've stayed.

You know this lot hate you. Who cares who said what?

Patrick, none of that matters anymore.

No -one's going anywhere.

I bloody am.

You don't get it, do you? You just don't get it. Get what?

So leave. You need to go through them gates, yeah? Yeah. So you open the

they're going to keep plugging in. And then we're all fucked. So you have to

stay. No, I don't. We have to.

We have to. Look, this is... That's the only way it's going to work.

We need to be realistic, Patrick.

Fuck off.

See ya.

Losers.

Get out of my way.

What are you going to do? Get away.

Don't make me do this, Patrick.

Please don't force me to do this.

You're going to have to shoot me in the back, darling.

Don't fucking hit me.

Hold him, hold him, hold him.

Get off me, you fucker.

What a knob.

Is he always like this?

Yeah, the key.

Drag him in there.

Tie him up good and tight.

I'd have had him then if you'd not keep me in knots.

I don't like him being in there. I really need a wee.

Well, he won't be for much longer. We just need to talk some sense into him.

Good luck with that.

Look, I've worked with him, OK? He just gets a bit doodah when he's stressed.

You call that a bit doodah? Yeah, the mind's a -walking, has it? Once it's off

the boil, he's almost human.

Just look at his wear.

He'll level out.

Look, babes, babes!

You can't talk someone down off the moon, all right?

And he is well on the moon.

Yeah, right.

I went last time.

Oh, God.

Well, look, he can't have wiggled out. I tied him up like a piglet.

Good, the fat fucking porker.

Sorry,

I'm going to have to...

Can you breathe okay?

You start shouting the guy goes straight back on again, okay, okay?

Don't let them do this to me.

Please, it's my fault. I've been killed.

No one is going to kill me. They will be working it out now.

He's tied up now. What happens when he ain't, eh?

As soon as any of us turns our backs, he's going to be trying to get out them

gates and fuck us all over. So we keep him tied up?

For how long?

He says it's bad outside, yeah? We might be in here for keeps, yeah?

Well, Looney Tunes ain't going to stay tied up for keeps, is he?

He'll get out somehow.

He won't give up till he's got them gates opened and then it is game over

all of us.

That's true.

I mean, what are you trying to suggest? Why don't you just fucking come out and

say it? All right.

All right.

There ain't much room for debate, Kelly.

It's extreme circumstances, isn't it?

I've seen this hundreds of times. Look, if you break from the group, the group

breaks you.

Kelly, Greg's got it.

When I've gone, when I'm out of the way, who's going to be the bottom of the

pile?

You will.

You're next.

They hate you.

They have told me time and time again in that diary room.

And what did they say?

You're old.

You're a pervert. You're pretentious.

You stink the bog out. Your clothes make you look like a cunt.

They have... poured insults over you like buckets of cum.

Do you know what they call you when you're out the room?

Hey.

Gollum.

Gollum. Yeah.

Yeah.

Crowds that turn up holding signs that say Gollum out.

Talking fucking murder.

Come on, it's self -defense.

It's like when Angel got bit, yeah?

We've got to act practically.

You can't trust him.

It's him or us, yeah? Yeah, it's not getting much more practical than that.

Just one shot from the back of the head.

No, no, we'll do the act.

Wiping ammo.

Oh, that's sweet.

Hey, Gollum's sick in his time, isn't he? What's he doing having a wank?

My brother.

Oh, don't do that.

Gollum wanking.

Let's take a vote, yeah? Like nominations.

It's all it is.

Only a game show.

There's been enough killing.

What do you propose we do?

Cripple him.

Cripple him?

Yeah, break his ankles, take a hammer to his feet.

It'll have to be pretty bad to stop him moving.

Yeah, we'll do it bad enough that he won't be going anywhere.

I don't like it.

Well, it's better than killing him. Look, she's right.

What do you think, babe?

Pretty hard to... Break an ankle so it don't set back right, innit?

You've got to crack it sideways, inwards. Fine.

I could chop the Achilles tendon, back of the heel.

Turns the feet into dead plates. Even if you wanted to use the van, he wouldn't

be able to operate the pedals.

What did you learn that from, man?

Saw Jack Bower do it on the telly.

No. It's not real life, is it? No.

If we're doing this, we're smashing his ankles, like in that film, Mystery.

Look, have we agreed?

Look, no killing, just the ankles. You're going to need a recount!

Get in the car!

Get away from that now! Have Joplin get out of the peashooter! I should have

fucking killed him! Yeah, yeah, yeah, you didn't though, did you? Joplin, what

are you doing? What are you doing? Give me the gun. Give me the gun. What are

you up to inside?

Me! Me! Fuck off!

Joplin! What are you doing?

What are you doing? You don't need a fucking setback! What the fuck are you

doing? You want a gun? Fuck off!

Say that! You don't need a... Joplin!

Get in the bait bowl and the keys!

What do you need a gun for?

Have you got him? Are you playing up?

I'm sorry.

Oh, no, you're not. Just open the door. Fucking step back.

Stay back.

Deep breath. Everyone say bye -bye.

Bye -bye. Get out, Joplin.

Bye -bye. Bye.

Have a fucking look over there.

What are you doing?

I don't give a fuck.

Shut the fucking van down.

Shut the fucking van down. I'm really sorry, okay? All right, Desmond Tutu,

not the Guardian. Get in the fucking van.

Mate! Hey, have a look. I'm not a fucking plumber. Back off. Just don't

her. Don't hurt her.

You fucking clumsy idiot. Don't fucking...

Space! I'm out in the gallery!

Where's Pips? Space! No, no, no!

Where's the shutters? What?

The shutters!

Shutters, shutters!

They're coming through the one!

They're in the one!

much surrounded here.

What about Monica and Marky?

Makes you the winner.

He is big brother.

I know.

I'm going to fight my way through and I'm going to get to him.

What did you say to me at back of the gate?