Original subtitles

Your dad sent you a letter to the office.

Oh, please, let it be his death certificate.

Oh, wow. Your dad still gets the actual newspaper.

Being old must run in your family.

Huh?

"You made the paper again. Dad."

That's really sweet.

No, it's psychological warfare.

Every time I'm in the paper for something embarrassing,

he sends a clipping.

Frank, did you leave a panini on?

Does Picasso leave a painting unfinished?

[alarm whooping] -Fire! Fire!

All officers must commence emergency evacuation protocol.

[Emily] Fire!

Mush! Come on, mush!

It's peein'!

It's peein'!

Move, jackass!

[donkey brays]

We got so many doves from The Amazing Donald's estate.

It's too bad The Amazing Donald

couldn't make heart disease disappear.

Hand me those reptile bags.

But... I need these for the snakes, man.

You got pockets.

[snakes hiss] Oh my God.

Oh my God. Oh my God.

Oh my God, oh my God. Oh my God.

Dozen birds coming through!

That was so awesome!

You guys gotta try this!

That's good.

Keep it movin', people.

And... time!

I flew.

For one glorious moment, I could take to the skies.

Great job, everybody.

If that had been a real fire, all animals would've survived.

[snakes hissing]

This was a drill?!

♪ [vocalizing] ♪

[Emily] Okay.

Today is the grand opening of our annex kennels.

We are expecting lots of VIPs.

Would I have liked a little bit more time to get our

sea legs as the newly merged precinct?

Yeah, absolutely.

So, I'm gonna need all hands on deck to get this done.

Can I get an "Ahoy"? [laughs]

The only thing that makes this merger tolerable is knowing that

someday the sun will explode and destroy the entire planet.

-Ahoy! -Ahoy.

Thank you! So, Victoria and Daisy,

I need you two on dog detail.

I want all adoptable pooches looking their best.

That means scrubbed, sheared and sexy.

-Sexy? -[Emily] Well, no one

listens to me until I say something awkward.

Now, who wants to do balloon arches?

Affirmative. Everyone knows I handle all things balloons.

They called me "The Looner" back in the two-three.

My man has legit mylar skills.

Sold. Templeton's doing the arches.

Yeah. I'll need two experienced officers.

I can give you... Shred and Patel.

[Templeton] Sure. The Butterfinger brothers?

-Dang it! -[Templeton] I can smack 'em

[snoring] - back into shape.

[radio static]

Sorry, I nodded off. What happened?

So far, I'm supportive of this plan

and my lack of involvement in it.

Frank, you can either tag in and help Templeton,

or you can pick up Roman.

Who, may I remind you, is our sponsor?

He requested a limo service,

but given our budget, the limo service...

it's one of our trucks.

That's like asking me which grandparent

I wanna get a lap dance from.

I guess... Templeton?

Perfect. You can moisten my balloon tips.

I'm out. I'll pick up Roman.

Just remember, it's his face on the flyers

and his signature on the check, so get him here in one piece.

I promise nothing.

I have to moisten his balloon tips?

S-slow down, baby, what do you mean it's school policy?

We have to invite the entire class?

Well, no. Of course. Baby, I'm gonna handle it.

Yeah. [chuckles]

Do me a favor, if I choke on this bagel,

just don't resuscitate me.

Buddy, I've seen you take down a burrito in two bites.

There's no way a bagel's taking you out.

-[Shred] What's up? -My kid's birthday party.

Supposed to be him and a weird kid named Tom

in the living room playing board games.

-[Shred] Mm-hmm. -Now I have to feed 35 kids.

-35?! -35 kids!

Dude, that's like two bounce houses.

Maybe I can get my kid canceled.

Just gotta find out what a nine-year-old finds offensive.

[laughs]

[Patel] Okay. Okay.

Yogurt time! Oh...

I didn't know you were here.

I can come back later.

No, no, no, no, it's totally okay.

This is everybody's kitchen, it's the people's kitchen.

Right. I know, I just, I...

I just don't want things to be weird.

It's not weird, we're just two coworkers that know

what the inside of each other's mouths tastes like.

Yeah, we were friends before.

There's no reason why we can't keep things platonic.

Platonic is a great word for us.

-Yeah! -Also, really good movie.

Are you sure you're not thinking of the movie Platoon?

-I am thinking of Platoon. -Mm-hmm.

But it's about army buddies that work together

with no romantic feelings, so it-it kind of applies.

That is us for the next few months.

Maybe my toast will be done by then.

[laughs]

I do have to push it down.

Like our feelings. [laughs]

Ah...

I'm gonna take my yo to go.

-[laughs] -Fo'sho...

-[Victoria] Hey!

Hey. Thank you so much

for rolling with the punches and helping Daisy.

This might be a good opportunity for you two to bond.

You know, make it fun.

Bitches washing bitches.

I don't think I've ever heard you actually curse before.

Yeah, I hated it when I practiced it in my office,

and I hated it now.

The thing with Daisy, I don't think she loves me.

[whispers] What?

Yeah, whenever I walk into a room, she just shouts...

"Nope!"

-Oh... -Yeah.

-Maybe it's like... no! -Yeah...

You know what? I'll give it a go.

But only because I don't want that bald spot

to get any bigger.

Yeah, I have been stress plucking again,

[chuckles nervously]

So... yeah.

[door opening]

Good lord.

♪...get mad, get mad

♪ I'm a VIP... ♪

Trip. Please trip.

Can you step outside of the vehicle, sir, please?

[laughs] No, I'm just kidding.

No, but... seriously, I'll be driving.

You steal that uniform from a Build-A-Bear?

No, Emily swore me in as an honorary officer,

which is why I'm allowed to drive.

So... move over.

You have two seating options.

Passenger side or center console.

Emily, Frank won't let me drive.

[Emily] Frank, be nice and let him drive.

When'd you call Emily?

Before I left the house. Scooch.

[sighs]

[Frank] I can't believe. I should've chosen Templeton.

You might want to adjust the mirrors and the seat.

A joke about my stature.

Sorry we can't all be blessed with

Frankenstein's height and personality.

It's a big vehicle. You need clear lines of sight.

All I see is a Sulky Sally about to have

the ride of his life.

Okay.

[Emily] Stay in the truck, Frank.

[Roman chuckles]

Thanks for taking over the wheel

while I make some content.

Oh, I wouldn't wanna deprive the public

of their daily garbage.

What up, Romaniacs? [imitates dog barking]

Animal Control officer Roman Park is in the heezy.

Along with my driver, Frank Shaw.

Say hi, Frank.

I do not consent to being recorded.

I'm being held against my will.

[fake laughter]

[Dispatch] All available units.

Dangerous dog reported on Fourth and Madrona.

Respond ASAP.

Sergeant Park responding. On it.

N-no. No, no. We are not on it.

We're not by it, we're not goin' anywhere near it.

[Dispatch] It's your call, Sergeant.

N-n- he is not a sergeant.

Thanks, darlin'. We'll take it.

Duty calls. Like and subscribe.

Bark!

[imitates dog barking]

Wrong shape.

Uneven distribution.

Terrible spiral.

I almost lost my fingertips tying these balloons off.

Oh, your poor little pinky winky?

Man up!

Where the hell's Patel?

Honey, I'm on it. I found this great party store.

Tons of stuff.

Kids like tomato juice, right?

[Patel] Mmm!

Nice of you to make an appearance.

You know there's two types of people in the world, right?

There's workers and then there's shirkers,

and all I see are two shirkers right here.

It's just party decorations, bro.

You need to relax.

[high pitched] Yeah, dude. Chill, bro.

[laughs] I'm sorry.

You know, helium's a dwindling natural resource

and this is how you plan to waste it?

[air hisses]

[both laughing]

Oh, my--

-Dude, you really-- -I'm so sorry.

-You sprayed me. I... -I'm so... [mumbling]

-I gotta go change. -You're not excused.

You're not excused!

Seriously? Permission granted for dismissal.

-Ah... oop! -Oh...

[stutters]

Is, uh, tomato juice.

Uh, yeah. [laughs] Well, it's--

-Yeah, that's-- -[laughs]

Well, as you were.

Galloping gremlins.

-Are you okay? -Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm good.

Yeah. It's... okay.

Look at us.

Two bitches washin' bitches.

This is a male dog,

and I don't like being called a bitch.

For the record, I called us both bitches.

-It wasn't specific-- -Oh, I'm sorry.

I can't hear you 'cause I'm trying to work.

Generally, we point the hairdryer at the dog.

Oh, yes. Right.

Yeah.

Poor little dog.

-Hey. -[Victoria] Hey.

[Daisy] Hey.

How are you two doing?

-So good. -Just peachy.

Having so much fun.

I love that.

It's a huge day today, right?

-[Daisy] Huge. -It's huge.

It's... it's...

[Victoria] Stop plucking.

Great.

Frank Shaw limo service, transporting morons since 9AM.

[Emily] Hi, Frank.

I'm not micromanaging you at all.

I'm just making sure that Roman is still alive.

He is alive and kicking, mostly because his feet

can't reach the floor mats.

We decided to take a call.

Frank, that man is our sugar daddy.

Do not let him get mauled.

Don't worry, I told him to stay inside the truck.

[truck door closes] Oh. Gotta go.

[stuttering] Don't! No, d--

[barking] -Hi!

Roman! No, no.

Relax, Frank.

I've built an empire breaking unbreakable dogs.

Quiet-ah!

[Roman] See?

And this is why I have a pear orchard

and you're relegated to being my chauffeur.

I actually chose to drive your fun-sized body around.

Shockingly, it was better than the other option.

But I thought you ran this precinct.

Boy, how the mighty--

[growls and barks] -Oh!

Oh my God! [yells]

[Roman] Make it stop!

Frank! Help me!

[screams] Help me!

-Oh, Roman, this is great. -Help me!

Just one more time, beg for your life.

Yeah, I wanna get a close-up of your face.

-[squealing] -Yeah. There it is.

Okay.

I've finished another cluster.

[Patel] You're doing great, almost there.

Glad to hear you guys are finally paying the arch

the respect it deserves.

You did this to me.

One more push!

[groans]

[Patel] It's a blue!

Here. Hold him, Daddy.

It's a blue. Congratulations.

-Get out! -Whoa.

I'll finish the keystone grouping myself.

Get out!

Done.

What's taking you so long?

I'm, like, five dogs ahead of you.

Yeah, you keep cherry-picking all the lap dogs.

From what I've heard, your lap could use a break.

Okay. What the hell is your problem with me?

You wanna know what my problem is with you?

-It's why I asked. -You did Templeton dirty.

Wait. Seriously?

-Mm-hmm. -Are you referring to

when he stalked me?

-He's not stalking -Yeah.

And then he sent me weird New Zealand gifts.

Those gifts were thoughtful and background-specific.

He's a total creep!

He is layered.

[imitates cat meow]

Drip, drip! You Wetty Betty's doing

my calendar idea?

What do you need, Iced-T?

This precinct continues to disappoint.

My unit sapped the helium tank doing wacky bits.

You know what? I'm gonna go get some, because...

I think they sell some a long way away from here.

Yeah, sure, like I'm gonna trust you with a noble gas.

You're probably gonna huff it out of a sock.

The thing is...

your insults aren't landing because your uniform shirt

is tucked into your underwear.

And your breath smells.

Why don't you go with her?

I'm gonna go back to the arch and finish

doing these units orally.

Your bagpiping skills have saved yet another party.

Oh, I know.

Bettany?

-Bettany! -Hey.

You okay?

Yep, yep.

Are your pants caught on that hook?

A little bit. A little bit, yeah.

I was organizing the leashes and yeah

my belt loop got snagged when I reached up to, um,

get that basket.

Yeah, okay, well, let me help you down.

No, no, no, no! I'm fine. That's fine.

Okay.

Actually, my toes are going numb, so...

Yeah. Here I just-- I gotta grab.

-Okay. -Sorry.

-Oh. -Here.

I feel like we keep getting caught in moments that are--

Yes. I-I agree.

-Of all the days. Right? -Yeah.

Sorry. So, I'm... I'm gonna get back to erecting--

I--uh... blowing.

No! Sorry. Uh...

Arch.

Yeah, that's-that's good 'cause this is a place of work.

So let's, uh, let's all- let's all get back to work.

[Roman sobs] Help me!

You wanna see how a real animal control officer does it?

[dog continues barking]

-Yeah... -But this has been really fun.

Ta-da!

[dog barking]

Bon appétit.

[dog snarls]

All right, here we go.

Easy oven mitt.

Good job, girl.

We did it!

Whoo!

All right, do you wanna skip the embarrassing part

where I ask you if you need help getting down?

No, I got it.

[Roman groans]

[Roman] Uh-huh.

Oh...

I caught my belly on a wiper.

Okay, girl.

We're taking the highway. Come on.

No, I caught my belly on a wiper.

I'm serious.

You wanna get something to eat on the way?

Help me. Help me.

Is there any chance you did that old-man thing

and forgot to record?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I got it.

Oh. Flashlight's on. Hold on.

People look up to me, Frank.

If that leaks, thousands of dog owners

will abandon my training methods.

Oh, no, no, no. It won't leak.

I'm gonna post it intentionally.

Well, it doesn't matter.

At least he'll get a laugh out of it.

Oh, who?

Nobody. Just my dad.

He thinks I'm a freakin' joke.

If he wants to confirm that, I can send him the video.

I've always been the black sheep of the family.

All my brothers are multi-hyphenates.

Like engineer-professor.

Doctor-researcher.

Yeah, well, so are you. Virgin-leprechaun.

I've been bedded.

You can't relate to any of this because dads love

strapping, dim brutes like you.

Just to be clear, you're still asking me for a favor.

Just go ahead and post it.

Or don't post it.

It doesn't matter. I don't care.

It--

My earliest memory is my father.

I had an in utero-recollection.

-Ah! Okay. -It was how to--

Stop it. Stop. I'll delete it.

I just gotta watch it one more time.

[Roman] Help me! [squeals]

- [squealing continues] -[sighs]

[Shred] We got a man down here! We got a man down!

I found him like this.

Whoa, hey, you all right, buddy?

You're a little grayer than usual.

That arch is filled with my life force...

I gotta get it outside.

Otherwise- - Easy.

-how will people know where the entrance is?

Okay. I can't do it.

Oh, boy.

It's all too much. This whole thing.

One minute I'm at the two-three playing ping-pong with the boys,

thinking I'm gonna retire there,

and then I'm reassigned.

New place, new people. I'm just supposed to start over?

-I'm almost 40 years old. -That's really tough, man.

No, there's no way we're the same age.

I'm just ramblin'.

My oxygen levels have plummeted.

My vision's...

...blurred. You guys are kinda backlit right now, like...

...two angels.

Hey, you know, we do fun stuff here at the two-two, right?

You know, we actually, we hang out at the rooftop

on Fridays and, you know, we play cornhole, drink beers.

It's super fun.

Yeah, you could bring your friends.

We could have, like, a tournament.

We'd destroy you, but...

That'd be fun, I'd like that.

-Good! -Yeah.

Okay. Tremors just... they're going away.

And the vision's coming back.

Nice.

Let's get 'er outside, horse me.

There you go, all right.

He's back!

I can't believe Templeton made you babysit me.

Is he blackmailing you? Because I can help.

Do you know I got my cousin out of Scientology using only wigs.

It's not like that.

Last year, I went through a messy divorce.

It got very contentious.

I don't know your ex, but I side with him.

I didn't say it was a him.

Oh. Really?

Okay, it was a him.

And he left me.

And then all of a sudden I was a single mom

working a full-time job.

And Templeton saw that I was struggling and...

he wanted to help, so he sent groceries to the house.

Not once, but every week.

Grooming 101.

Most kidnappers are someone you know.

And he never took credit for it.

The deliveries were anonymous, but I know it was him

because he always included my favorite truck snack,

those little bags of wet olives.

[sighs] Templeton is a good man.

Wet olives?

That's the saddest part of your story.

Hey.

Got Templeton's helium.

There's extra in case you wanna mess with his tires.

You might want to take it easy on Templeton.

What is happening today?

I know it's weird, but he was talking to us,

and instead of wanting to fight or flee,

I just... I wanted to hug him.

Ew, did you do it?

No, of course not, but the fact that I even wanted to...

Yeah, he was acting like a human.

Maybe he's...

just a dick and not a total dick.

Okay, everybody. Gather up!

[Emily] I know everyone's really busy.

Can we just gather round?

We are T-minus five

to the opening,

and the mayor is here.

Good time to bring up the city's homelessness?

No, not the day, not the place, Frank.

Whew! Does anyone have any last words

before we go wow Seattle?

-I do. -You... oh.

-Where my boys at? -[Emily] Okay.

Ah! There they are.

-Us? -If I could combine two people

into one person,

the world would say I was insane.

Not for playing God.

But for using my gifts to create such extreme...

uselessness!

[shocked group reactions]

Victoria, you were late with my helium.

And you should be ashamed of yourself

for bullying a female officer.

-But I am a female-- -Quiet.

Frank, you've probably disappointed me somehow.

[Templeton] Emily.

All of this reflects poorly on your leadership skills.

[shocked group reactions]

[Shred] Templeton, what just happened, man?

-That is where I draw the line. -Yeah, no, you don't get--

[overlapping arguing]

He's trying to help y'all out.

I am feeling better and better about choosing Roman.

[whistle blows] [overlapping arguing]

Enough!

My attempts to integrate this precinct

into a cohesive unit have just, they have failed.

So, thank you for putting me in the awkward position of

being pro-segregation.

So, here's what we are going to do.

Put on some fake smiles

and pretend to be one happy work family.

Okay?

I said fake smiles.

♪

Hello to our community, and our special guests,

and welcome to the Northwest Seattle division

of Animal Control's grand opening of the Roman Park park.

We did do several workshops of the name,

and that is gonna be the name.

Our deepest thanks go out

to Roman Park, whose generosity has allowed us to build this--

Oh my god.

Thank you so much, Emily, for that amazing introduction.

-I wasn't-- -I haven't prepared anything.

American humorist Josh Billings- - Oh, okay.

said, "A dog is the only thing on Earth that loves you

"more than he loves himself".

These workers at Animal Control are incredible!

Whoop-whoop!

They honestly don't get the recognition they deserve.

Which is why I have a surprise for you.

Emily.

A tug, please.

[applause]

It's so real.

Look at that slob.

Oh, wait, that's me!

[Frank] What the hell?

[laughs]

Emily, it looks like you're cupping Shred's acorns.

Oh. Uh... um....

[Frank] Park, what is wrong with you?

Don't you know you're not supposed

to make fun of fatsos anymore?

Ah, Templeton here did me a solid

and gave me a picture of you from your academy days

for inspo.

How dare you show the world how I see myself?

Of course your dad hates you.

Do you really think a dad could hate this face?

No, he loves me.

We just spent the weekend together at Seattle Kite Fest.

I read simple beasts for a living, Frank,

and I tell you, you reek of daddy issues.

There's gotta be a way to recover lost footage.

Flashlight's on!

[Emily] Freeze, balloon bandit!

[laughs] Wait, but really...

What... what are you doing?

Uh, I'm just, uh, you know.

-Excuse. -Wait. Wait, wait, wait.

Are those the missing cupcakes and the solo cups?

Patel, our city councilman had to drink out of

a dog bowl this afternoon.

I'm runnin' a little low on cash, so...

I decided to borrow some supplies

for Danny's birthday party.

Okay well, happy birthday, Danny, but...

Thank you.

Why didn't you just come to me?

Well, it's embarrassing.

Okay, what about this?

We have been looking to add a community outreach officer

at the precinct.

Yeah. It'd be an extra five bucks an hour.

Will you throw in a company car?

I will not, but I could give you

a special lanyard for your ID.

I could give that to Danny for his birthday.

I think he'd like it.

Let's just make it six more bucks an hour.

- Deal. -'Kay.

I really appreciate you taking care of me, boss.

-Thank you. -Yeah.

Just watch behind me 'cause I can't see much.

Good night, Emily.

Oh, hey.

Night, Shred.

[both laugh]

[Emily] Oh, um...

-Um, do you wanna go, or...? -You-you can go.

-Yeah? -Oh, it's... [laughs]

Ah... all right.

♪ [music swells]

♪ Ooh

♪ I'm sweetly bitten

♪ Left completely smitten by you ♪

[Frank] A nice end to a bad day.

All right, you're home.

Frank.

That was so...

Fun! Oh my god!

I burned you.

You burned me.

We got in a crate.

Till next time. Right, man?

I don't ever wanna see you again.

Yeah! I know. I'm tired too.

But wanna hear a song about it?

-Nope. -Yeah, I do too.

Okay. Right. Come on. Stick around.

[singing] ♪ Frank and I had fun today. ♪

♪ Nothing beats the jokes and the games we play. ♪

♪ Frank and I had fun today.