Original subtitles

* Here in my car, I feel safest of all *

* I can lock all my doors

* It's the only way to live

* In cars...

(humming)

Whatcha doin'?

Building an original 1978 Firebird.

Got it on eBay.

Okay.

Why?

I had this model when I was little, remember?

I spent a month building it and painting it

and putting on all the decals.

Is that the one I tried to make a bong out of?

No, that was my Munster Mobile.

And my ventriloquist dummy.

And my Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots.

My Firebird you blow-torched

with a cigarette lighter and Mom's Aqua Net.

Oh, yeah, the "Fire"-bird.

Anyway, I loved that model and now I'm gonna have it again.

I am gonna have it again, right?

Relax.

If I destroy any of your cars,

it'll be that oil-dripping piece of crap

out there in my garage.

* Here in my car

* I can only receive

* I can listen to you

* It keeps me stable for days *

* In cars...

(singing continues)

I'm worried about my brother.

Why? Well...

he's either so lonely,

he's trying to recapture his childhood,

which was not that good in the first place,

or he's created an elaborate ruse to hide the fact

that he's become a degenerate glue-sniffer.

To be honest, I'm rootin' for the glue.

You know, I've been meaning to talk to you about him.

You want him gone? He's gone.

That's how much I love you.

No, no, he's a wonderful guy.

I actually have a friend that I think might be a good match for him.

Oh, no, you're wrong.

Oh, come on, Charlie.

Listen...

* ...started to think

* About leaving tonight

* Although nothing seemed...

You don't want to do that to a friend, do you?

Alan's a doll.

He just needs to find the right woman.

If you check his closet,

you'll find the right woman is a doll.

At least let me try.

I'll set up a dinner with the four of us.

It'll be fun.

For who?

It's bad enough you want to punish your friend.

Why do I have to suffer?

Isn't it worth one night of your life

to maybe make two people happy?

That's not fair.

I always come off bad

when I answer questions like that truthfully.

Just do it for me.

(groans)

Is that a yes?

(groans)

Remember those words when we go to bed tonight.

What words?

"Just do it for me."

So, anyway,

he's Charlie's brother and a very sweet guy

and I really think you'll like him.

Boy, I don't know.

Blind dates.

You never know what kind of freak you're gonna end up with.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah, ah-ah

* Men.

* Men. *

So you don't know her name? Nope.

And you don't know what she does? Nope.

And you don't know what she looks like?

What do you care?

You were gonna spend the night building a scale model

of TheDukes of Hazzard car.

Ah, actually I just finished theGeneral Lee.

Now I'm working on Burt Reynolds' Trans Am

from Smokey and the Bandit.

Okay, okay, just promise me

you won't bring any of that up tonight.

Why? Why?!

You're asking me why a 40-year-old man shouldn't talk

about model cars on a first date?

Hmm.

I see your point.

Leave a little mystery.

Yeah, that's my point.

Come on.

Oh, speaking of mystery,

I am currently the high bidder

on an original, mint in the box Scooby-Doo Mystery Machine.

* Men. *

How do I look?

Don't open that can of worms.

You are what you are.

There's Chelsea.

Sorry we're late. No, no,

we were early. You look great!

Thank you. So do you.

Charlie, Alan, this is my friend Rose.

Rose,

this is Charlie and Alan.

It's nice to meet you, Alan.

No, that's Charlie.

Ooh, even better.

Hi, Alan.

Hi.

Why don't we all sit down?

So many reasons.

Chelsea's told me so much about you boys.

It-It's so nice to finally meet you.

Alan, I understand you're a chiropractor.

Yes.

I'm a chiropractor.

Charlie?

Yes.

He is a chiropractor.

Oh, that's just terrific.

And what do you do, Charlie?

Um...

I write kids' songs and jingles.

Alan?

Yes.

He writes kids' songs and jingles.

And I am a chiropractor.

Yes, he's a chiropractor.

They don't get out much, do they?

Apparently not.

So, Chels, where did you meet...

Rose.

Right.

Rose.

Yoga class.

No kiddin'.

Yeah.

And then we ran into each other at Pilates,

and the manicurist,

and jogging,

and the dry cleaner.

Crazy, huh?

Sure are. Sure is.

Seemed like every time I turned around, there she was.

Seemed like every time I turned around, there you were.

I thought maybe you were stalking me.

(both laugh)

That's funny.

Good one. Yeah.

Can I start you off with cocktails?

I think I need to stay sober tonight.

But you guys go ahead.

I'll have a Chardonnay.

I'll be right back.

I'll go with you.

I'll have a double vodka rocks.

I feel a little reckless tonight.

Fun personality, huh?

Yeah.

Unfortunately, she's got six more of them.

And for you, sir?

Whiskey, neat.

Since when do you drink hard liquor?

Since right now.

I'd order a glass of crack if it were on the menu.

Tru dat.

Why didn't you say something?

Why didn't you say something?

I was following your lead.

What lead?

The minute I saw her, I practically peed my pants.

Well then, I did follow your lead.

So-So what are we going to do now?

I don't know.

I guess we play along.

Play along?!

Are you serious?!

What am I supposed to do, Alan?

Tell the truth?

"Oh Chelsea, I almost forgot,

"your new BFF and I had a one-night stand

"and when I dumped her, she superglued my nutsack

"to my thigh and started stalking me.

"Oh, and then

"I thought maybe I was in love with her

"and followed her to England.

"And then when she came back from England,

I thought I was dying and almost asked her to marry me."

Yeah, when you put it in story form,

it really does sound bad.

So, we play along

until I can find out what Rose's angle is.

So, what, I'm supposed to date her?!

Stop flattering yourself.

This isn't about you.

It's me she's interested in.

What are you saying, I'm not good enough for her?

What are you saying,

you want that looney tune as a girlfriend?

No!

But I am currently unattached.

Now, you listen to me,

this is a blind date that goes no further.

You understand?

I got it.

(whispers): She really likes him.

Swell.

* Men. *

I thought there was real chemistry between them.

I'm sure they have some meds in common.

But I wouldn't get your hopes up.

Why not?

She's not his type.

What do you mean?

She's pretty, smart, rich...

Okay, then, he's not her type.

("Cars" by Gary Numan playing)

(both moaning)

This is crazy.

I know.

We just met.

* Men. *

* Men. *

Oh no, no,

no, you idiot.

Morning, Charlie.

Morning.

Should've smothered him in the crib

when I had the chance.

Boy, take one day off for a poker tournament

and you miss a whole lot around here.

You said you were sick.

I was healed. It's a miracle.

You want to catch me up?

Chelsea set Alan up on a blind date

with a girl she met at yoga class.

Well, what's he doing with Rose?

She's the girl.

Oh.

Diabolical.

So Chelsea doesn't know...

Chelsea knows nothing and I want to keep it that way.

Okay.

Why is Alan playing along?

Because Alan is a horny idiot.

And horny idiots are perfectly willing

to have sex with crazy girls.

Yeah, I know. But I've grown.

Charlie, did you see?

Yeah, I saw.

Told you they'd hit it off.

Didn't I tell you?

You told me.

I'm a little worried they're moving so fast.

Yeah, that's the worrisome part.

Berta, have you met Rose yet?

Screw it, I'm going home.

Feel better!

* Men. *

ALAN: Cut it out!

(giggling): Stop it.

Hello.

Sit down.

Um, you know I have company.

Yes, I know you have company, now, sit down!

Okay.

'Sup?

Explain it to me, Alan.

Help me understand.

You mean Rose?

No, I mean the internal combustion engine!

Yes, Rose!

Uh, well, we, uh, we started talking

on the ride home last night, and we really hit it off.

She has changed, Charlie.

Changed?!

She was stalking my fiancée.

Ah, ah, well, actually, she explained all that.

Really? Mm-hmm.

What did she say?

Uh, well, um...

Okay, I don't remember all the details

'cause she was tweaking my nipples at the time.

Oh... hi, Charlie.

All right, Rose, what are you up to?

What do you mean?

I'm telling you right now,

I love Chelsea and if you mess things up with us,

I will never forgive you.

Wow.

What did I ever do to deserve that?

You're kidding, right?

Yeah.

So, once again,

what are you up to?

Okay, at first, I was just doing

a little light recon on Chelsea

to make sure you weren't dating a whack job.

You thought Chelsea might be...

Go on.

Well, good news, she's not.

She's got a cousin who's a truck stop hooker

and her mom's an honorary Kleagle in the Ku Klux Klan,

but Chelsea is clean as a whistle.

Kleagle?

According to Wikipedia it's below Grand Dragon

and above Exalted Cyclops.

Sure, whatever.

What's the deal with the lunch lady here?

Alan?

Well, that was Chelsea's idea, not mine.

I tried to get out of it. Really?

I'm sorry, sweetie,

but I thought a double date with Charlie and his fiancée

might be a little awkward.

A little awkward?

When I saw you sitting there,

my sphincter slammed shut so quickly,

you could've used it as a cigar cutter!

Yeah, you should've seen your face.

Anyway, it all worked out for the best.

Last night, I saw a side of your brother

that I've never seen before.

What side?

He's only got the two.

"Oh, no, here he comes" and "Oh good, he's leaving."

Look, Charlie, this has nothing to do

with you and Chelsea.

This has nothing to do with you and Rose.

The fact is, we really like each other

and we want to keep seeing each other.

And we'd really like your blessing.

So, you actually want to be with him?

I do.

And you believe she's got no ulterior motive whatsoever?

I do.

Fine.

I now pronounce you fruit basket and nutcase.

May God have mercy on your souls.

Yay!

Uh, I don't think that was really a blessing, Rose.

It doesn't matter.

So what are we doing this afternoon?

Oh, uh, gee, I gotta pick up Jake.

Um, I promised him I'd take him to the movies.

You know, a little father-son time.

Oh, that's sweet.

Well, just call me when you want to get together again.

Sure, or you can call me.

Okay.

(cell phone ringing)

Hello?

Oh, Jake, thank God.

Uh, nothing.

Wait, hang on, I got another call.

Hello?

Yes, Rose, this is my number.

* Men. *

So how did you like the movie?

It was an insult to my intelligence.

Really?

Everybody knows zombies can't ride motorcycles.

Yeah, that bumped me, too.

And why would they wear helmets?

They're dead.

Another good point.

I don't know who they're

making movies for these days.

Fine, next time, you pick.

Anyway, there's something I want to talk to you about.

Oh, come on, it was one fart during the previews

and everybody laughed.

No, no, not that.

Uh, I just want you to know

that I've been dating somebody

and you might be meeting her soon.

Oh, okay, good.

So, you have no problem with that?

Not at all; you should have a girlfriend.

You think so?

Yeah, the model car stuff is starting to freak me out.

I mean, seriously.

You're a grown man.

(horn honking)

What the hell?

You didn't call me!

Hi, Rose.

So, tell me about your new girlfriend.

* Men. *

I'm so glad you forgave me for my little outburst in the car.

Well, you have a very compelling way of apologizing.

But we need to have a little talk about boundaries.

It was just my pinky, Alan.

No, no, that was fun.

Is it about me following

you and Jake into the movie theater?

You followed us into the movie theater?!

No...

Look, Rose, I really like you

but you've got to realize

that people need their space.

And you need to respect that.

All right.

So, we're clear on that?

Yes. I'm sorry.

It won't happen again.

Hm. Good.

Well, good night.

Good night.

Boy, this is an Alan Harper I haven't seen before.

Uh-huh.

Forceful, confident...

Thank you.

I don't like him very much.

* Men. *

Morning, Charlie.

Morning, Rose.

Alan needs his space.

I'm gonna give it to him.

Okay. Say hi to Chelsea for me.

Will do.

Oh, I got a bad feeling.

Alan?

Yeah?

You okay?

Been better.

I'm coming in.

Hi.

Hi.

Impressive.

It's not me.

No kidding.

What is it?

Oh, Burt Reynolds' Trans Am from Smokey and the Bandit.

Yep.

Would you care to explain why it's parked

in your handicapped spot?

Not parked.

Glued.

Ah.

Rose?

Rose.

Told ya. You did.

But did you listen? Nope.

Okay.

Happy motoring.

* Here in my car

* I feel safest of all...

* Scooby Dooby Doo

* Where are you?

* We got some work to do now

* Scooby Scooby Doo

* Where are you?

* We need some help from you now... *

I feel bad it didn't work out with Alan and Rose.

Me, too.

Terrible.

The problem is they jumped into bed too fast.

The problem is he doesn't keep his glue solvent

in his night stand.

What's that mean?

Another way of saying what you said.

ALAN: Ow!

Ah...

Oh...

What's wrong with him?

Little car accident.