Original subtitles

Listen to me. Killing a few hostages is not sufficient.

The Americans must be made to suffer. We must humiliate them.

You do not go far enough, General Amin.

We must strip their entrails out and drive them to Damascus,

until they include us in the peace process.

Nonsense. This solution is not bold enough for Libya.

I say, wipe out Washington and New York.

What? And spoil three years of good public relations.

I have the Americans believing I'm a nice guy.

In some of their polls I am more popular than their president.

Gentlemen. Gentlemen! This is getting us nowhere.

If we do nothing else this week,

we must conceive at least one terrorist act that will show all the world

that the United States, the Great Satan, is but a paper tiger!

A weak nation, a weak people, a people ripe for destruction!

Cowards no longer willing to fight.

I knew it!

Hey, who are you?

I'm Lieutenant Frank Drebin, Police Squad.

And don't ever let me catch you guys in America.

Thirty-eight, 39, 40. It's all here.

This completes our first shipment of heroin. 100% pure.

It better be. All 40 kilos.

Final shipment will be delivered in three days.

-Then we'll expect payment. -Don't worry.

Police! Throw down your guns.

Kill him.

No!

It's a great day for Americans everywhere. This man alone...

There he is!

No, no flowers. Thank you.

Welcome home, Frank. Good work in Beirut.

We all heard what you did.

Thank you, Ed. I just want to know one thing.

Is it true what you wrote me about Victoria?

I'm afraid so, Frank. She just ran off with some guy.

They got married last week.

Then it's all over. All of this is meaningless.

I did everything for her. And now she's gone.

And you came down here to get a hot story, didn't you?

Pictures of me to send your lousy newspapers.

-Frank... -Sure, you think I'm a big hero,

the man of the hour.

Well, do any of you understand how a man can hurt inside?

Frank, they're not here for you.

Weird Al Yankovic is on the plane.

What about the wedding? What was she wearing?

Don't torture yourself, Frank. Just put her out of your mind.

I can't get her out of my mind. What about the guy?

-You know anything about him? -Not much.

Just that he's an Olympic gymnast, and it's the best sex she's ever had.

I trusted her. Followed my heart foolishly.

I'm going to have to learn to forget.

That's why I vacationed in Beirut,

to get her out of my mind, find some peace.

It's not gonna be easy.

Everywhere I look something reminds me of her.

Maybe it's just that cops and women don't mix.

What about Nordberg? I came as soon as I heard.

He's alive, Frank, though he's on life support.

Doctors say he's got a 50-50 chance of living.

Though there's only a 10% chance of that.

Mrs. Nordberg, I think we can save your husband's arm.

-Where would you like it sent? -Frank, I'm so glad you came.

It's good to see you. I came as soon as I heard.

-Thank you, Frank. -You bet.

-Where's Nordberg? -He's right here.

Right. Nordberg. It's me, Frank. Your buddy.

I'll get it! I'll get it!

Get the switch on the bottom of the bed.

Nordberg. It's me, Frank.

Who did this to you?

I love you.

I love you, too, Nordberg.

Who were they?

-Ship... Boat. -That's right, Nordberg. A boat.

When you're better, we'll go sailing together on a boat.

We'll take a cruise just like last year.

-Drugs. -Hey, Nurse.

Give this man some drugs. Quick! Can't you see he's in pain?

-Give him a shot. Quickly. -No, no, heroin.

Heroin, Frank.

Nordberg, that's a pretty tall order.

You're gonna have to give me a couple of days on that one.

My poor Nordberg. He was such a good man, Frank.

He never wanted to hurt anyone.

Who would do such a thing?

It's hard to tell.

A roving gang of thugs? A blackmailer?

An angry husband? A gay lover?

Frank, get a hold of yourself.

Good cop. Needlessly cut down and ambushed by some cowardly hoodlum.

-That's no way for a man to die. -You're right, Ed.

A parachute not opening, that's a way to die.

Getting caught in the gears of a combine.

Having your nuts bitten off by a Laplander.

That's the way I want to go.

Frank. This is terrible.

Don't you worry. Your husband will be all right.

Don't you worry about anything. Just think positive.

Never let a doubt enter your mind.

He's right, Wilma, but I wouldn't wait till the last minute

to fill out those organ donor cards.

What I'm trying to say is that, Wilma, as soon as Nordberg is better,

he's welcome back at Police Squad.

Unless he's a drooling vegetable, but I think that's only common sense.

Wilma, can you think of any reason that Nordberg was at the waterfront last night?

No. But I found this at home in a drawer.

A photograph.

l Luv You. Out of Caracas.

A Panamanian ship.

Frank, when Nordberg said "I love you", he was telling you the name of the ship.

I realize that now.

We'd better check this out.

I want every available man on this.

I can't spare anybody, Frank.

You know we're in charge of security for Queen Elizabeth's visit.

-I'm short-handed already. -Wilma, I promise you,

whatever scum did this, not one man in this force

will rest for one minute until he's behind bars.

-Now, let's grab a bite to eat. Come on. -Yeah.

Due to the extraordinary efforts of some of our civic leaders,

Queen Elizabeth has included the City of Los Angeles

as one of the three cities she will visit during her American tour.

Mayor, will the city hire additional police officers during the Queen's visit?

We have placed the Queen's security in the hands of Police Squad,

a special division of the police department,

represented here today by Lieutenant Frank Drebin.

Thank you, Your Honor.

-Protecting the safety of the Queen... -Louder!

-You can use my radio mike. -Thank you.

Thank you, Your Honor. Protecting the safety of the Queen

is a task that is gladly accepted by Police Squad.

No matter how silly the idea of having a queen might be to us,

as Americans, we must be gracious and considerate hosts.

Thank you, Lieutenant Drebin.

Of course, we all have a stake in seeing

that this portion of the Queen's American goodwill tour is...

We can all take pride that the Queen has chosen our city to visit.

Indeed, it is for all the people

who will be able to share in the celebration...

Especially...

Will be...

The Queen's public appearances.

We also would like...

Ed and I drove down to the docks where Nordberg had been found floating.

floating face down in the water.

When there are no leads, you have to start somewhere,

and that somewhere was the harbor area.

Please disperse.

Please disperse! There's nothing for you to see here. Keep moving!

-Where did they find Nordberg? -Right out there, Frank.

-You want to take a dinghy? -No, no.

I took care of that at the press conference.

It doesn't make sense, you know. Good policeman, bright future...

Something like this happens.

He was found by the night watchman.

We better check around. I'll talk to the harbor master.

I'll walk around the docks and take a snoop.

-Yeah? -Lieutenant Drebin, Police Squad.

-I remember you, Drebin. What do you want? -I want to ask you some questions.

You familiar with that face?

I don't know. My memory ain't so great.

Yeah?

-Maybe this'll refresh your memory. -Still kind of hazy.

-How about this? -Yeah, I remember. Used to see him around.

Why do you want to know?

-I can't tell you that. -Maybe this'll help.

-I really don't think I should. -You still don't think so?

All right, his name is Nordberg. He's a cop.

-He was no cop, he was dealing H. -What?

-I'm telling you, he was dirty. -Sniveling scum,

I ought to run you right now.

All right, he worked at Ludwig's Shipping.

He tried to push something on one of my boys. I swear.

What are you gonna do about it, copper?

Why should I tell you?

-Maybe this'll help? -I still don't think I should tell you.

Can you spot me a twenty? How about now?

I'm going down to Ludwig's office. I'll find out if you're telling the truth.

Vincent Ludwig presided over one of the largest corporations in the city.

A respected businessman, a civic leader.

The Mayor had made him chairman of the Queen's reception committee.

Now I was getting ready to question him on drugs

and attempted murder on his own docks.

-Mr. Ludwig. -Yes...

Lieutenant Drebin to see you, sir.

Show him in.

-Lieutenant... -The feeling is mutual.

Nice to meet you, too.

-Cuban? -Dutch-Irish. My father was from Wales.

Sit down.

-Magnificent office you have here. -Thank you, Lieutenant.

Most of the objects in this room I have collected over a period of many years.

A Gainsborough, Ming vases... Priceless.

They are objects which I feel reflect my personality.

Like the Japanese fighting fish... Beautiful, graceful, elegant.

And yet, single-minded of purpose and deadly when it finds what it wants.

This particular one is valued at over $ 20,000.

A luxury item, to be certain, but as you can see,

I am a man who appreciates the finer things in life. This...

This is a rare samurai pen, a gift from Emperor Hirohito.

Unbreakable, impervious to everything but water.

-Its value is beyond estimation. -Most fascinating.

But I'm sure you didn't pay me this visit to hear a lecture on fine art, Lieutenant.

To what do I owe the honor?

I'm investigating the attempted murder of one of your dock workers...

A man named Nordberg, a police officer.

-He's still alive, then? -He was shot six times.

Fortunately, the bullets missed vital organs,

and the salt water preserved him.

So they were able to get him to the hospital in time?

Yes, he's in the intensive care ward of Our Lady of the Worthless Miracle.

Well, this certainly comes as a shock to me, Lieutenant.

But I am not the kind of man who takes this type of thing lightly

and there is no room in my organization for criminal activity.

Look out there!

A vast commercial development built by me.

Do you have any idea what was out there just five years ago?

You bet you do. Orange groves,

acres of them, as far as the eye can see.

Now that land is able to generate

ten times the amount of profit per square foot.

Are you all right, Lieutenant?

Let me get you some Kleenex.

Has this officer... What's his name? Nordberg been able to

tell you anything?

Well, of course he hasn't been able to tell us a thing so far,

but as soon as he regains consciousness,

we'll see if he can still play the guitar.

I beg your pardon?

I've taken up too much of your time already.

I'd like to look at your employment records now

and speak to someone in Personnel, if you don't mind, of course.

Of course. Dominique, will you please send in Miss Spencer?

As you know, I am quite busy making

last-minute arrangements for the royal visit,

but I'll have my assistant provide you with anything you need.

You've been very cooperative. I'll make a note of that in my report.

My pleasure.

Miss Spencer, this is Lieutenant Frank Drebin from Police Squad.

Hello, Mr. Drebin...

Hello.

Her hair was the color of gold in old paintings.

She had a full set of curves,

and the kind of legs you'd like to suck on for a day.

She was giving me a look I could feel in my hip pocket.

Yep, this was starting to get interesting.

-Nice beaver! -Thank you.

-I just had it stuffed. -Let me help you with that.

This should be what you're looking for, Lieutenant,

shipping and employment records for pier 32.

Thank you.

I've heard police work is dangerous.

It is. That's why I carry a big gun.

Aren't you afraid it may go off accidentally?

I used to have that problem.

-What did you do about it? -I just think about baseball.

That's a honey of an ankle bracelet you've got there.

Did it slip down there again?

Yes, well, I'll go through this as fast as I can

and get them back to you tomorrow, maybe.

That'll be fine. But there's no rush. I mean, whenever you're through.

Thank you. I wish there were some way I could repay you.

How about dinner?

I know this little out of the way place that serves great Viking food.

That's quite a tempting offer, Lieutenant.

But I'm afraid I'm gonna have to get my rest this evening,

tomorrow being Arbor Day and all.

Of course. Perhaps some other time.

-How about a raincheck? -Well, let's just stick to dinner.

Thank you for your help, Miss Spencer.

-My pleasure. -Well?

Mr. Ludwig! You startled me.

I'm sorry, my dear.

I just wanted to know if you got the lieutenant what he wanted.

Yes, I gave him copies of the files for pier 32.

Good. That's good.

He's an intriguing fellow, this Lieutenant Drebin, don't you think?

I don't know. I've only just met him. He seems very nice.

Jane, I realize this is an unusual request.

But if there is something illegal going on in this company,

I need to know everything about it so we can root out any wrongdoers.

That's why I want you to... Well...

To get to know Lieutenant Drebin a little better, find out what he knows.

Don't you think this is best handled by the police?

We are letting the police handle it, my dear,

but this company needs to know the facts quickly,

before anything gets into the newspapers.

Don't forget, I have a responsibility to the stockholders.

Well, if you put it that way.

-Yes, I'll do my best. -That's better.

I'm sure you will.

It was about 4:00 p.m. when I returned to Police Squad.

I figured I'd stop by and see what the lab boys

had come up with on Nordberg's jacket.

The one they'd found on the dock.

You can tell a lot from fiber samples if they aren't too wet,

and I was hoping in this case we wouldn't come up dry.

Hey, look out!

Police! Halt!

Did anybody catch the license plate? Anybody get a look at the driver?

Take the names of everybody here for questioning.

I've got to get inside.

Hi, Ed, Ted. You got those fiber samples yet?

-We've got some action out there. -What's up?

We're testing that new anti-graffiti wall.

Looks like we have a few customers.

It's set to react when the spray hits the sensors.

-You've done it again. Mazel tov! -Good work, Ted.

-What will you lab boys think of next? -Now that you mention it.

Here's something we developed only yesterday.

To the casual observer, an ordinary shoe, but in actuality

it's quite a handy weapon.

And everything a cop in the field needs. We call it the Swiss Army shoe.

Great. What about the fiber samples?

Let me just show you one more thing.

You see these cuff-links I'm wearing? They're not just cuff-links.

Each one fires a single pin-sized dart

that knocks out your victim for a few minutes,

but does no permanent damage. Let me demonstrate on Ed.

Why?

Don't worry, he'll be up and around in no time.

Why don't you take a pair?

Actually, I could use another pair of cuff-links.

Good, I think you'll like them.

-You want this, Chief? -Yes, thank you, Al.

There's something on the side of your mouth, Al. No, the other side.

As you requested, Frank, we took some fiber samples from Nordberg's jacket.

-I'm afraid it doesn't look good. -What do you mean?

Take a look for yourself.

-I can't see anything. -Use your open eye, Frank.

Yeah, I can see it now.

At first glance it appears to be only the normal cotton fibers.

But when we focused in closer, we discovered a fine white powder.

We tested it. Pure heroin.

How well do you know Nordberg, Frank?

We were partners for nine years, and he's my best friend.

We can't allow personal feelings to get in the way of duty.

Are you telling me that Nordberg...

I'm telling you that the Queen arrives the day after tomorrow.

If the press picks this up with Nordberg still in the force,

it would be embarrassing for the police and the city.

I'm sorry, Frank. I'm giving you 24 hours to clear Nordberg.

-Mr. Ludwig... -Yes?

-A Mr. Pahpshmir is here. -Show him in.

Is there something wrong, Mr. Ludwig?

No, no, it's nothing.

-Then may we get down to business? -Certainly, please have a seat.

I can carry out your request. My price is $20 million.

The price is not a problem.

But there is some concern, on the part of those I represent,

that you'd be able to complete so difficult a task.

Tell me, Mr. Pahpshmir, in all the world,

who is the most effective assassin?

Well, I would think,

anyone who manages to conceal his identity as an assassin.

Yes, but there's an even more ideal assassin.

One who doesn't know he's an assassin.

-Care for some tea? -Yes, please.

Dominique, service for two, please.

I must kill Pahpshmir.

Would that be with cream and sugar, sir?

Mr. Pahpshmir?

Cream only, please.

There's a gun on the floor, sir.

Just leave it there. It's all right.

-The tea, please. -Of course.

Tell me, Mr. Pahpshmir, have you ever seen sensory-induced hypnosis?

I think I just have.

But how will you get her near the target?

I doubt that it will be her.

Good secretaries are so hard to find these days.

And it seems to me

anyone can be an assassin.

I had 24 hours to come up with something

that would clear my good friend's name.

I decided to return to the hospital with Ludwig's records

to see if I could jog Nordberg's memory.

Dr. Alford, I have Mrs. Kepley's chart if you're ready to go over it.

I'll be with you when I'm finished with Mr. Nordberg.

Yes, Doctor.

I'll have you out of here in a couple of...

-I'd like to see Officer Nordberg. -I'll need you to sign...

Wait a minute...

Where's the police officer who was on guard at that door?

-Lieutenant Drebin sent him home. -Lieutenant Drebin?

I must kill Nordberg, I must kill Nordberg...

Drebin, Police Squad, let go of that pillow!

Medical emergency!

Drebin, Police Squad! Follow that black car!

-The car! Follow that car. -Stephanie, check your mirror...

Signal... Now pull into traffic.

Try to ease off on the brakes.

Give it some gas!

I know a short-cut. Turn left here!

-There he is! -Easy...

-Turn right! Follow him to the right. -It's okay...

Normally you would not be going 65

down the wrong way of a one-way street.

Apply the brakes...

Now put it in reverse.

-You dumb broad! -Stephanie...

Gently extend your arm...

Extend your middle finger...

Very good. Well done!

There he is! Go for it, Stephanie!

No!

Excuse me...

All right, move on... Nothing to see here! Please disperse!

Nothing to see here, please...

The attempt on Nordberg's life left me shaken and disturbed.

And all the questions kept coming up over and over again,

like bubbles in a case of club soda.

Who was this character in the hospital?

Why was he trying to kill Nordberg, and for whom?

Did Ludwig lie to me?

I had no proof, but somehow I didn't quite trust him, either.

Why was the I Luv You not listed in Ludwig's records?

And if it was, did he know about it? And if he didn't, who did?

And where the hell was I?

It was almost midnight when I got to my door.

I just wanted a glass of Bosco and to slip under my blankets.

But my night was just about to begin.

You're late.

That depends on what I'm late for.

You said we should have dinner sometime.

Tonight became some time.

I'm boiling a roast.

How hot and wet do you like it?

Very hot and awfully wet.

You seem to know your way around a kitchen.

I'm just as handy in other rooms of the house.

That shirt looks familiar.

It's yours.

I didn't want to get stained or wrinkled, at least not yet.

Do you mind if I slip into something more comfortable?

There, that's better.

I hope you brought your appetite.

-I brought everything. -Well, then, dig in.

Interesting. Almost as interesting as the photographs I saw today.

-I was young, I needed the work. -No, no.

They were taken down at Ludwig's docks.

A Panamanian ship came in...

It wasn't on Ludwig's records.

Probably an oversight.

How is your meat?

You be the judge of that.

I've got nine more.

-Have you seen that ship? -I don't know.

It doesn't look like one of ours.

But then again, we deal with so many ships.

Has Officer Nordberg told you anything?

No, unfortunately there was another attempt on his life.

He's back in a coma.

That's terrible. This world is such a violent place.

If it wasn't, I'd be out of a job.

I'd be back on the circuit riding moto-cross.

But I'd give it all up to live in a world without crime.

That's beautiful.

This is all happening too fast.

I've been hurt before.

I'm sorry.

I'd known her for years, we used to go to all the police functions together.

How I loved her, but she had her music.

I think she had her music.

She hung out with the Chicago Male Chorus and Symphony.

I don't recall her playing an instrument or being able to carry a tune.

Yet, she was on the road 300 days out of the year.

I bought her a harp for Christmas. She asked me what it was.

It's the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy.

Boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl,

and girl dies in a tragic blimp accident

over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day.

-Goodyear? -No, the worst.

Poor dear...

Now, now... I don't want to upset you.

Frank, it's not that. Why did you have to be so wonderful?

There's something I ought to tell you.

No! No need to tell me anything.

What's in the past doesn't matter anyway.

Maybe...

Maybe we're just two lonely souls, who have found each other.

Funny Face...

I want you to know I practice safe sex.

So do I.

I had a wonderful day, Frank. I can't believe we just met yesterday.

You really mean that, Jane?

You're not just saying it because we exchanged bodily fluids?

No, I really mean it. You're very special.

-Can I interest you in a nightcap? -No, thank you, I don't wear them.

Actually, I'm on duty. We're on stake-out tonight.

But I'll be thinking about you. I'll call you tomorrow.

Okay.

Good night.

I'm telling you, the answer is up there in Ludwig's office.

Call it a hunch, woman's intuition... Ludwig knows more than he's telling us.

A hunch won't stand up in court, Frank. Where are your hard facts?

Look, he's the only one outside of us who knew that Nordberg was still alive.

Next thing we know, some thug tries to knock Nordberg off at the hospital.

That may be, but breaking into Ludwig's office,

you're taking a big chance.

I know.

You take a chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street,

or sticking your face in the fan.

Look, there he is.

All right, just trust me on this, Ed. I know I'm right.

Okay, but be careful.

Get a good night's sleep. I'll see you in the morning.

Bingo!

"Twenty million deposited, Omani Bank, Zurich, upon proof of Queen's death"?

Entering without a search warrant,

destroying property, arson, sexual assault with a concrete dildo...

What the hell were you doing there in the first place?

Yes, I'm sorry about that, Your Honor, but we have reason to believe

that Vincent Ludwig is involved in a plot to assassinate the Queen.

That's ridiculous! Where is this evidence?

Well, it burned in the fire.

Gentlemen,

Vincent Ludwig is one of the most respected members of this community,

and if we're all very nice to him, he will agree not to press charges.

-Your Honor... -Did I make myself clear?

Yes, Your Honor, very clear. Good day.

Drebin...

I don't want any more trouble like you had last year on the south side.

Understand?

That's my policy.

Yes, well, when I see five weirdoes dressed in togas

stabbing a guy in the middle of the park

in full view of 100 people, I shoot the bastards.

That was a Shakespeare in the Park production of Julius Caesar, you moron!

-You killed five actors, good ones! -Your Honor...

Drebin, your presence at the Queen's reception tonight will not be necessary!

Is that understood?

We understand, Your Honor. Thank you.

...and the plane has taxied to a stop. They're rolling out the steps.

Any minute now, we expect the doors to open.

And we'll get our first glimpse of the Queen,

as she begins her first visit to Los Angeles in over five years.

That's right, Bob, and it's a balmy, beautiful evening for it, too.

She'll be going straight from here to a formal reception hosted by the Mayor,

in honor of Her Majesty...

-Jane! -Frank.

-I'm just making dinner. Are you hungry? -Maybe just a bite.

I just talked to Vincent Ludwig.

He wanted me to ask you to meet him tonight.

Jane, I think there's something you should know.

I was up there to visit Ludwig's place last night.

How nice! Did he show you his priceless collection

of Ming vases and all those rare oil paintings?

Jane! I think Vincent Ludwig is involved in a number of criminal activities.

Frank, stop it!

Vincent Ludwig is a well-respected, kind man.

It's just too bad you don't know him like I do.

-Yeah? And how's that? -What do you mean?

I'm sorry. I'm worried about you.

I don't trust him, and I don't want you to get mixed up in anything dangerous.

Wung Woos? Back in business?

I thought they closed down three years ago.

Gee, has it been that long? I don't feel like Chinese tonight, anyway.

It's sweet of you to be concerned, but you're wrong about Ludwig.

He's such a gentleman, he's so generous.

He just wants to talk with you

and clear up any doubts that you may have about him.

-When? -Tonight.

He wants you to meet him at the 7th Street stockyards,

near the 53rd Street entrance.

All right, but promise me that you'll be careful.

Of course I will, Funny Face, for you.

I've got to go. I'll see you tomorrow.

Are you sure you won't have something to eat?

Ludwig?

-Drebin? -Yeah, I'm Drebin.

I have a message for you from Vincent Ludwig.

Take this, you lousy scum!

I'm sorry, I can't hear you. Don't fire the gun while you're talking.

All right! Put your gun down and your hands up.

Matthews, stake out that end.

Adcock, check for anyone suspicious-looking.

What are you doing here?

I just came from the stockyards, trading shots with one of Ludwig's goons.

They're planning on doing it tonight, here.

That's why they're trying to knock me off.

-Right, we'd better be on the lookout. -Excuse me, ma'am...

Security...

All right, just relax, take it easy...

-Nothing's going to happen. -I didn't do anything...

Yeah? Well, how about this?

You think we were born yesterday? You didn't do anything?

-I've got rights... -Look, Ed!

He's got a picture of your wife!

Ethel!

-All right, anyone else seeing his wife? -That's okay, Frank.

Let's get in the hall.

Are you enjoying yourself, my dear?

Mr. Ludwig, I'm so excited to be here.

-I really do appreciate your inviting me. -The pleasure is all mine, my dear.

And perhaps, afterwards, we can...

-Drebin! -Frank!

You're both right. Surprised to see me, Mr. Ludwig?

This is not the time or place to talk.

It's way past the time we talk.

The gloves are off, I'm playing hardball, Ludwig.

It's 4th and 15, and you're looking at a full court press.

Mr. Drebin! If you have evidence, then use it.

If not, I am warning you, get off my back!

Or I promise you, it will cost you dearly.

Frank, what's wrong?

A lot of things, sweetie-pie.

A little meeting that turned into a peek-a-boo session with bullets

all set up by someone who's been playing me like a violin

at the annual saps' convention.

Funny Face, I don't know what you're talking about.

My stockyard meeting, butterwings. Or don't you remember setting that up?

Mr. Ludwig said you called the meeting off.

-Believe me... -Hum me another one, shnooky lumps.

Frank, it's the truth.

It's true what they say, cops and women don't mix.

Like eating a spoonful of Drano.

Sure, it'll clean you out, but it'll leave you hollow inside.

Too bad, sugar puff.

We could have been something.

-I was only doing what I was told to do. -Like make love to me?

Frank!

That only makes things easier, princess.

To think I trusted you. I made a big mistake.

-Here, you can take this back. -Whose is that?

-Doesn't matter. -Hey, watch it!

Take care of yourself, baby.

By the way, I faked every orgasm.

Funny Face...

And to commemorate our friendship,

the City of Los Angeles is proud to present to the royal family

this Revolutionary War musket,

generously donated by Mr. Vincent Ludwig.

Ladies and gentlemen, Her Royal Highness, Queen Elizabeth II.

It's disgusting the way they splash this stuff all over the newspapers.

What is journalism coming to?

You lying on top of the Queen with her legs wrapped around you.

They call that news.

They can't kick you off the force, Frank, it's just not fair.

Well, now, Ed, life isn't always fair.

Just think, the next time I shoot someone, I could be arrested.

Look at that, the missing evidence in the Kelner case.

My God! He was innocent.

He went to the chair two years ago, Frank.

Well...

What's the use? What good are these damned awards and citations now?

Hey, Frank...

Frank, that's not your desk.

-Frank. -Jane.

I've been looking all over for you.

What are you doing here? Running another errand for your boyfriend?

I tried to call you last night. I even went by your place.

-Where were you? -I was out walking, all night.

Frank, you've got to listen to me. I've important information for you.

Please believe me.

Vincent Ludwig, there was never anything between us.

-He likes East German men. -And what about you?

I like cops.

All right!

Hey, settle down, take it easy.

-What have you got? -I overheard Ludwig after the banquet.

You were right all along.

Ludwig is planning to have someone assassinate the Queen.

-Where? -At the baseball game.

The Queen will be Ludwig's guest. I'm supposed to be with them.

You're telling us Ludwig is just going to shoot the Queen in front of 60,000 fans?

He said a player's gonna do it in the 7th inning stretch.

-The game starts in 20 minutes. -I'd better get down there right away.

-I'll go with you. -No, you stay with Ludwig.

-That way we won't arouse suspicion. -Right. Okay, let's go.

Wait! I've gotten you guys into enough trouble already.

I don't want you to risk this for me. I'll go alone.

No! This is going to get you back on the force, Frank. We're all right behind you.

Frank!

I wanted you to know, now.

I've loved you since the first day I met you, and I'll never stop.

I'm a very lucky woman.

So am I.

Good afternoon to everyone. We're coming to you live from the Big A,

where the California Angels meet the Seattle Mariners in a showdown

for the division lead in this exciting American League West Contest.

Hello, everybody, I'm Curt Gowdy, along with Jim Palmer,

Tim McCarver, Dick Vitale, Mel Allen, Dick Enberg,

and Dr. Joyce Brothers,

inviting you to join us for this all important ballgame.

And a very special game it is, as we all know,

this game is being attended by Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth.

I'm sure Her Majesty will enjoy this game, Jim.

-We've got all the exits covered. -I ought to arrest Ludwig right now.

No, Frank, without evidence, we've got to let him make the first move.

The Mayor would have you arrested on the spot.

You gotta stay out of sight.

I gotta get that assassin before the 7th inning stretch.

It could be any one of those players.

I gotta find a way to get down on the field and search those players.

Ladies and gentlemen, please rise and give a hearty Los Angeles welcome

to her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

One moment, ma'am.

-There! -Move down.

-My dear, is something bothering you? -No, why do you ask?

You haven't said a word. You seem nervous.

Well, you know how important this game is for the Angels.

Why is he not here now? I do not like being made to wait for him.

Mr. Pallazzo, our head usher will be here

in two minutes to take you onto the field. Please, just wait in here.

-He should be here now, understand? -Yes, sir, I'll send him right over.

I do not wait for him, he waits for me!

-Yes? -Mr. Pallazzo? I am the head usher.

I'm here to... Excuse me...

-Mr. Pallazzo? -Yes?

-I'm the head usher. -One second.

Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of the California Angels

and the City of Los Angeles,

on the occasion of Her Majesty's royal visit,

please welcome internationally renowned opera star, Enrico Pallazzo.

Ladies and gentlemen, let us honor America,

as Mr. Pallazzo will now sing our National Anthem.

Oh, say, can you see

By the dawn's early light

What so proudly we hailed

-Frank? -In the twilight's last gleaming

Those broad stripes and bright stars

In the perilous night

O'er the ramparts we watched

And the rockets' red glare

And the bombs in the air

Gave proof to the night

That we still had our flag

Oh, say, does that flag banner

Wave over all the free

In the home of the land

And the land of the free!

And now, as the crowd settles back down,

we'll wait for the exchange of line-ups and the start of today's ballgame.

Excuse me... Could you tell me... Is this an official bat?

Well, the Queen's visit has brought a sell-out crowd. Could be a record!

While the fans wait for the first pitch,

they're being entertained by the stadium's Angel-vision,

showing some of those unusual moments in baseball over the years.

Sorry, fellas.

How about that?

Ladies and gentlemen, now taking the field,

your California Angels.

For the safety of our players and yourselves,

we ask that you do not throw any objects in the stands or on the field.

We thank you for your cooperation.

So, as the Angels take the field, we're ready for the first pitch ceremony,

with the Queen of England ready to toss out the first ball.

How about that Queen, ladies and gentlemen?

Let's have a nice round of applause.

Now we're ready for the start of the game.

I'm sure that group of lovely ladies would agree.

Well, they ought to.

Those are the players' wives on hand to enjoy the game with us today.

What do you say, Cummings? Are we going to do this today?

Do what? Play ball!

Frank! Al, it's Frank!

And this game is underway.

Dave Spiwack ready to face Jay Johnstone.

-Nothing to report so far, Chief. -Don't worry, Al.

If one of those players is the killer, Frank is going to find him.

Even if he has to search every one of them.

Good luck, pal... Are you all right? Let's see if that uniform is straight...

Good back here. Let's see your shirt. You should take a large.

A little tight in the crotch.

All right, all set!

Okay, play ball!

Batter up.

Strike?

Strike one!

Strike two!

Three! Strike three!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Hey!

You're clean.

Have you found him yet?

No, and I've searched almost everybody.

I saw that. There's only one more out before the 7th-inning stretch.

I'll have my men on the alert, but you'll have to stall them.

-Don't let them get that third out. -Right, Ed.

The Mariner shortstop, number four, Armando Fishonee.

Ball!

Ball?

Ball.

Get out of my way!

Catch it! Catch it!

Fair ball!

Go, go, go... He's going home!

Block the plate!

-Safe. -Safe? What do you mean?

I don't believe it!

Hey, second base, on two!

There's the throw by the catcher,

and they've got Fishonee hung up between first and second.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Hey, you're not supposed to do that! Wait a minute! Stop him!

Stop that right now! Give me that ball.

I know it's hard to believe,

but apparently the umpires have got Fishonee in a rundown.

-Safe. -Safe?

How about that?

-He's out! Out! -Safe!

-He was safe! Safe! -He was out!

Now there's a sight I've never seen.

Safe, safe, safe!

He was safe. He never tagged him with the ball.

You idiot! He ran out of the baseline in the first place.

-I've had enough. You're out of here! -What do you mean?

You can't throw an umpire out of the game.

All right! You're out of here!

Even the guy running the scoreboard up there says he was out.

And he's way up there on the mezzanine.

My God! It's the third out.

I must kill the Queen.

I must kill the Queen.

Frank, it's the right-fielder!

You're the worst umpire I've ever seen. What game are you looking at?

You're right, he was safe. You're the boss.

Now we're gonna take you for a little walk.

I respected you. How could you do something so vicious?

It was easy, my dear. You forget I spent two years as a building contractor.

Now let's go, quietly!

-Hey, look at that! -Come on, let's get him.

Kick him in the balls!

I must kill the Queen.

The umpire... He saved the Queen's life.

That's not the umpire, Your Honor.

Hey, it's Enrico Pallazzo!

Enrico Pallazzo, Enrico Pallazzo...

Drebin!

Frank! Frank! Frank!

Frank!

Frank! Help!

Hold it, Ludwig!

Stay where you are, Drebin.

-He's got a gun. -I know.

You ruined my life, Drebin. Now I'm going to ruin yours.

-Leave the girl alone. -I am. I'm going to kill you.

I see...

Two can play at that game!

-You killed him! -No. He's just stunned.

He'll be all right in a couple of minutes.

Well...

Frank, that's horrible.

-That's so horrible. -I know, Ed.

My father went the same way.

I must kill Frank Drebin.

I must kill Frank Drebin.

No, no, don't shoot.

Jane, it's me...

Funny Face.

I must kill Frank Drebin.

You love Frank Drebin.

And Frank Drebin loves you.

Jane, listen to me.

If you don't love me, you might as well pull that trigger, because without you

I wouldn't want to live, anyway.

I've finally found someone I can love, good clean love.

Without utensils.

I must kill Frank Drebin.

It's a topsy-turvy world, Jane,

and maybe the problems of two people don't amount to a hill of beans,

but this is our hill.

And these are our beans.

Jane, since I met you, I notice things that I never knew were there before.

Birds singing, dew glistening on a newly formed leaf,

stoplights...

-I must kill... -Jane!

This morning I bought something for you...

It's not very much, but pretty good for an honest policeman's salary.

It's an engagement ring. I would've given it to you earlier,

but I wanted to wait until we were alone.

-I... -I love you, Jane.

Frank!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I yelled at you yesterday, really.

Drebin!

I was wrong about you.

This city, and I guess the whole world, owes you a debt of gratitude.

Thank you, Mayor.

And Monday morning, we want you back at Police Squad

with a promotion to captain, of course.

-Mayor... -But don't thank me.

There's someone else here who wants to thank you.

-Nordberg! -How are you, buddy?

Doc says I should be on my feet and as good as new in a week.

-And back on the force! -Nordberg, that's wonderful!

Oh, Frank! Everyone should have a friend like you.