Original subtitles

Hey, did you guys watch "Grey Mornings" last night?

- Oh! - So good. That ending?

No, no, no. Shh.

Bruce, did you watch?

"Grey Mornings"?

Yeah, of course. I never miss it.

The greyer, the better.

Bruce has this annoying habit of bragging

about these high-brow British dramas

that no one else has seen.

So we decided to start talking about a show

that we love that Bruce can't watch.

Because it doesn't exist.

And then when Mr. Potter took off his eyepatch?

Ah, yes, the eyepatch.

It had to go.

And that affair with the duchess?

- With the duchess. - Scandalous.

Okay, who's your favorite dame?

Ooh, favorite dame. Good question.

Great question.

Dame, dame.

It's hard to choose just one. Uh...

who is the favorite?

Sorry, I...

oh, my God.

Keith died. - Wait, what?

- What? - Oh, my God. What happened?

Wait, Keith, who works here? No!

- What do you mean? - Bruce!

Keith's fine.

Yeah, I just needed to get out of there.

Yeah, I didn't really think this one through.

And then on top of all that,

I had to pay, like, 80 bucks in ticket handling fees.

- Are you frickin' kidding me? - I know.

But what am I supposed to do?

It's Bette Midler.

No, this text.

I'm doing a Botox and Bubbly party later,

and my nurse just cancelled last minute.

Oh.

I swear, nurses are such flakes.

What's a Botox and Bubbly party?

Serena's side hustle.

It's just a bunch of fun ladies.

We drink champagne, we gossip, and then

I inject poison into their faces to stop them from aging.

You're a full-time nurse.

Why would you need a side hustle?

Uh, 'cause life's expensive.

- Yeah. I cut hair sometimes. - Oh, I didn't know that.

Yeah, I actually cut Dakota's hair.

Oh. Cool.

I babysit my stupid niece.

No second job, but my wife, Linda, and I

are members of the FIRE community--

Financial Independence, Retire Early.

We spend as little as possible,

buying bruised fruit on discount, expiring ground beef.

Nope. All right, Keith, come on.

It's 10:00 a.m.

No one wants to picture you and your wife eating ground beef.

Call me old-fashioned, but I've always believed

if you save responsibly, you should be good.

Saved 3 cents on this banana.

Gotta eat it before the fruit flies hatch.

Ooh-ee, yum.

Mmm.

You barely have to chew it.

Hey, sexy mama.

Any chance you'd wanna come work this Botox thing

with me later?

Fun, chill vibes, cool ladies.

Oh, I've got plans tonight.

Oh, right, Taco Night.

Wow, that is actually

really sad for me that you know that.

Um, okay, you know what? Yes, actually.

I'm saying yes. - Really?

Yeah, why not?

I'm always saying I need to get out more.

Oh, that's great!

It's gonna be fun, I swear.

It's like ten minutes of needle prep,

but then you're basically getting paid

150 bucks to party.

I love it.

I get to hang out with my girl, make 150, 200 bucks.

- It's 150. - And that's great.

Matthew, as you probably know,

I recently ended a long-term relationship.

Yeah, sorry about that.

Yeah, don't be because I'm living my best life.

Anyway, Sanderson Ashley will be here momentarily,

and he needs to pick up this box.

Now, we are not speaking,

and I want this crap out of here.

It's just some personal stuff.

His swim shirt, his Panera rewards card.

Oh, this is his nighttime retainer.

Make sure he gets this.

Otherwise, he'll chew right through his orthopedic pillow.

No problem. I can handle it.

Wait. Wait.

Sanderson's in an exceptionally delicate place right now, okay?

So I need you to be gentle but extremely firm.

Do you understand? - Al dente.

Matt, I'm really losing faith here.

Let's do some role-play.

Show me how you're gonna hand it to him.

Okay.

This is from Joyce.

- No. - No.

You gotta throw it away, be more casual.

This is from Joyce.

Oh. This is from Joyce.

- This is from Joyce. - This is from--

- Joyce. - Okay.

You're gonna get it in the moment.

Okay. We will get it.

- This is from Joyce. - Nope.

Okay, I gotta ask.

What do you do with your cash, old man?

Just park it in the market, huh?

ETFs? You a Vanguard guy?

Well, it's savings, so it's in my savings account.

Oh, a savings account?

Oh, okay.

So like an old shoe but in the bank.

Oh, that's adorable.

Take a look at this.

I have had my eye on this massage chair for months.

So each payday, I take a little bit of that money,

I put it in my chair fund.

And in 12 to 18 months-- - Yeah, I just bought one.

So I'll put it in my home office so I can write it off.

What?

Ronnie, listen to me.

With my crypto gains alone, I can't spend fast enough

to offset the taxes.

All I'm saying is this.

So these are my investments, right?

And this is the value of your savings account.

Nope, sorry.

I forgot to factor in inflation.

So, pfft.

And that's a Sharpie.

Nah, that's not going anywhere.

Doesn't matter. Point still stands.

I love that cardigan.

Oh, thank you.

I'm just happy to be wearing something that's

not covered in SpaghettiOs.

I've got kids.

So, when I eat my SpaghettiOs, no mess.

Not to brag.

- That's hysterical. - Thank you.

You remind me of Wanda Sykes.

Okay, I'm getting a snack.

But do not move. - Oh.

Oh.

God, I love these girls. Right?

Yeah. Told ya.

Gosh, that girl looks so young.

Who is that? Is that someone's daughter?

Oh, no, that's Katie. She's a regular.

I thought you had to be 18 to get Botox.

Yeah, she's over 18.

Oh. Are you--are you sure, though?

I mean, she looks really, really young.

Everyone's over 18, Alex.

Just relax.

You're getting paid to have fun.

So have fun, girl. - Okay.

Having fun.

Fun commences now.

Sanderson?

Whoa.

I like your tie. - Thank you.

It's a Hilfiger.

Where's Joyce?

Oh, she wanted me to--

This is from Joyce.

I see.

Memories of a past life.

Please give this to Joyce for me.

Sorry, it's damp.

I spilled a Nutrisystem on it in the car.

Oh, yeah, right here.

Oh, Sanderson?

Is that you? What are you doing here?

Hello.

I'm just retrieving my belongings.

Oh, was that today?

I completely forgot.

We just talked about it in your office, like--

- Just shut up. - Oh, yeah.

Um, wow.

You look professional.

Oh.

This is for you from him.

Just a little something for you to peruse, Dr. Henderson.

Well, I look forward to perusing, Mr. Ashley.

I'm focused on fun. I'm having fun.

But if Serena loses her nursing license

because of this, then who's gonna be my work wife?

Ron?

Oh, God, now I'm actually more concerned.

Hey. - Hey.

- Fun party, right? - Yeah, for sure.

Yeah.

So what do you do for work?

Or are you-- are you in school or--

Ugh, both.

I actually have a huge report due tomorrow.

Oh, a report.

Is that, like, you know, quarterly stuff,

or like Mesopotamia?

Hey, girls.

So glad we all made it.

I know we're all busy.

But it's just so nice to be together like this.

And just remember, there's no sweating for 24 hours

after you get the Botox.

So apologize to your husbands for me.

Wow. Great--great energy.

Yeah.

Last time I was in a room full of people this happy

was probably when we got Bin Laden.

Who remembers that?

Who's old enough to remember that, huh?

The raid? Katie? Raid?

Maybe we just pour another round,

and then we can get going.

Whoo! Totally. Forget Bin Laden.

I'm coming.

Technically, I never told her not

to bring up Osama bin Laden.

So that's my bad, I guess.

A soul patch? Seriously?

I have been begging him for years to grow a soul patch!

Well, it's good you ended things.

Exactly. Years of let-downs.

And--and now he writes me some sad-sack love letter

and expects me to come back?

Yeah, well, you snooze, you lose, buddy.

Totally.

And he lost because he snost.

That doesn't work.

Oh, my God.

This isn't a love letter.

He got into library school.

Classic breakup move.

Sorry, library school?

He is thriving and throwing it in my face!

Well, I'm not gonna let that happen.

Sorry, like, to use the library?

Or how does-- what do you learn--

You need to get him back to this hospital.

Okay, you want me to tell him that

you want him to come back or-- - No, just--

tell him I need the box back.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Then we'll show him who's thriving.

Whoo-hoo! - Oh! Whoo-hoo!

It's more sanitary.

And you can adjust the water pressure

so it hits you in just the right spot.

So I was just thinking.

I'm really not interested, but if--

if I wanted some financial advice--

Memecoins.

I've been thinking about you, pal.

And trust me, ya need the memes.

It's the fastest way to grow your investment.

And no offense, you don't got the longest time horizon.

Well, I don't really think we need to--

Look, there are new ones popping up every day,

but this bad boy is just starting to blow up.

- ZoyngCoin? - ZoyngCoin, baby.

To the moon!

I don't know. This sounds pretty risky.

Yes, exactly!

That's why it-- let me show you.

So I'm just gonna buy a little more Zoyng.

- $50,000? - Yeah.

You gotta spend shmoney to make shmoney.

Don't call it that.

I'm sorry, this is crazy.

And I'm up by a thousand.

Look at that.

A thousand dollars?

No, I don't care that Bruce made a little money.

I mean, I would never waste 50 grand

on some Internet thing.

5 might be interesting.

Maybe 10.

Hey, Bruce!

Oh, boy. This is a nice house, huh?

You know who had a house like this?

Uh, Balloon Boy.

Sorry, my mom's calling.

- Oh, sure. - Excuse me.

Her mom's calling her.

I'm just gonna take the quickest peek at her license.

Just a quick, quick little peek.

What are you doing?

Huh?

Is that Katie's purse?

No--oh! Oh!

It's--I thought this was my hamburger purse.

But it's not.

I--I didn't bring it.

I brought a purse-shaped purse.

So, I left the old burger at home this time.

Hey.

Hey, Joyce.

Just talked to Sanderson, and he's on the way

back to the hospital to deliver your box.

- He's coming now? - Yeah, sorry.

I thought that's what you wanted.

No, it's fine. I'm fine.

We just need to figure out a way

to show Sanderson that I am happy and thriving

more than he is. - Yes.

Okay?

So, um, do you have any ideas?

I, um--

I know.

Give him this tube of hemorrhoid cream.

Tell him I don't need it anymore.

I'm all cleared up. - Hmm.

Yeah, maybe we keep jamming a little bit.

You're right. We can do better.

And plus, I do still need it.

Okay.

You know, maybe you don't need to prove anything to Sanderson.

Maybe living well is the best revenge.

- Ottawa! - What?

Sanderson's always wanted to visit Ottawa.

It's, like, his dream vacation.

I'll book a long weekend, all the highlights,

VIP all the way.

Oh, he'll drop dead from FOMO. - Yeah.

Or you could just say you're going

and not actually book the trip.

Ha! No.

I wanna see the look on his face

when I tell him my confirmation number.

Yes!

That's what I'm talking about!

Guys, pizza's on me.

Let's get an order going.

What do you want? Go nuts!

- Can we get the-- - We're not doing gluten free.

Anything else?

On me.

Thanks, Ron.

I haven't had restaurant food in six years.

Alex, are you short on cash? Is everything okay?

I wasn't stealing, all right?

I was checking her ID. - Why?

You're not a bouncer.

Your job was to have fun.

I'm sorry, okay?

I just--I didn't want you to get into trouble.

Babe, this was not about me.

It's one thing for you to ruin your own night out,

but now you're messing with my business.

Not okay.

Great. Thanks a lot.

Well, technically, you're the one who knocked it over.

Technically, you reached into a lady's hamburger purse.

So maybe take some responsibility?

Oh, my God. Dog. Dog.

He's got the vial. He's got the vial!

Doggy! No! Spit it out!

No, that's poison.

Oh. Um. He's resource guarding.

He's resource guarding. - Get the vial.

Go now, now. Get the vial. - I'm trying!

- Get the vial! - I'm trying!

I'm trying to get it!

- Just get the vial! - I'm working on it!

Serena! Wait! I got it! I got it!

I got it.

Oh, it's pretty empty, though.

- Ron, you are a hero. - Hero?

No, I'm just a very generous man.

Oh, it's back down.

Back down to where I started.

But we are okay. Pizza is still free.

Pizza's still free.

This is part of it.

Yes, I should have sold.

But if you want the highs...

You gotta deal with the, uh--

Uh-oh. It's going down.

It's going way down.

[bleep]!

First result says he should be fine.

Oh, good.

The second result says he could die.

- Well, that's bad, Alex. - Yeah.

We gotta make him throw up. Get it out of his system.

That's a great idea. Great idea.

I'll hold him, you stick your fingers down his throat.

Okay, I would, but I feel like in terms of our strengths,

I'm more of a holder-downer.

You're doing the fingers.

I'm not doing the fingers.

You were supposed to let loose and have fun.

You didn't do that.

You screwed me. You're doing the fingers!

Okay, I'll do the fingers.

Wait! Wait, wait, wait!

Third result says that we should just

have him drink some hydrogen peroxide,

and he'll puke on his own. - Oh!

Yeah, one teaspoon per five pounds.

Oh, perfect.

So, what, he's, like, 10 pounds?

I was gonna say 40.

Let me just look it up.

How much does a small dog--

Google doesn't know that, Alex!

When you see Sanderson, just act casual.

But tell him I just had sex with someone, if it comes up.

Okay.

Oh, there he is!

- Whoa! - Oh!

- Oh, my gosh. - No, I'm sorry.

I'm okay. - Who is that?

I don't know. It's probably nothing, but...

It could be the start of something very special.

- Please, take my arm. - Oh!

There we go.

- Hi. - Hi.

- I was just-- - Hi.

Dr. Joyce Henderson.

This is my hospital.

And I'm just doing a quick loop around to make sure

women aren't being harassed.

Is this man bothering you?

No.

He was actually being very charming.

I was?

This is a different box.

Yeah, yeah, I noticed his copy of "Dune,"

and we have the same taste in sci-fi novels.

Yeah, well, Sanderson loves his horny dragons.

Mm.

What? Yes.

What happened? What's funny?

Oh, sorry.

It's--it's "Dune," so...

So it's sandworms.

Sandworms? - Oh, my gosh, wait.

Sand-erson.

Sand-worm.

Has anyone ever called you that?

No.

But I certainly would have welcomed that.

Okay, I--sorry, I hope I'm not being too forward.

But can I get your number?

One sec.

You can put me in as Sandworm.

It's 541--

I'm going to Ottawa for a long weekend.

Confirmation code V, as in Victor--

- Shut up. - Yep.

I see.

Well, Dr. Henderson, I hope you have a wonderful visit.

Enjoy the Canadian War Museum.

I hear it is devastating.

Come on, Matt.

She was gonna do lip flip everywhere.

Did you get the lip flip?

Hey, y'all! Everyone having fun?

all: Yes!

Everyone got drinks? all: Whoo!

All right. Anyone got hydrogen peroxide?

Why?

Oh, I cut myself.

Where?

Uh.

In my private area.

Yep.

I was doing a quick cleanup down there.

You know, got a date later. You ladies know how that is.

Sorry. This was in my kitchen?

- Yep. - Oh.

Okay.

There should be some under the bathroom sink.

Okay. Thank you.

Oh, um, also, your dog is, like, super cute, girly.

Do you know how much he weighs?

Bruce! Bruce!

Bruce? - Hey.

What happened to ZoyngCoin? I lost my whole 10 grand.

What? You're still holding Zoyng?

From, like, this morning?

Oof. Okay. You didn't get my Signal chat?

The Signal--what? No.

Ron, I told you to zero out your Zoyng.

You held too long. - What?

Oh, my God. 10 grand. Woof.

Yeah, well, what about the-- damn it, man!

Why isn't he drinking it?

Probably because it's just a bowl of hydrogen peroxide.

We need to make it look more appetizing.

Oh, okay. Um.

Here. Soup?

Sure, okay. Yeah.

Buddy, look at that. It's, uh, yummy.

Low-sodium minestrone soup.

Ooh, doggies love that. Yes, they do.

Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Here we go.

Yum--oh! Wow!

- Good boy! - He puked!

Disgusting boy.

Are you feeding my dog soup?

Yes, I am.

Why?

Um.

Okay, uh-- - It was me.

Uh, I thought he wanted soup because I am...

on drugs. I do illegal drugs.

So I was souping your dog.

Serena tried to stop me, but she couldn't

because I have crazy drug strength.

Alex.

You have a problem.

Mm-hmm.

I wish I could say this was your rock bottom.

But honestly, I know it won't be.

It's just hard with drugs, man.

You know, they make me feel so good, body and mind--

I think you should just leave.

Yep, okay. Excuse me.

Hey, Joyce. You still want this?

Throw it in the recycling.

Or the trash. Doesn't matter.

It all goes to the same place.

Ottawa should be fun.

I'm not going.

Why not? It might be nice.

You want me to go alone to Ottawa?

Canada's Paris?

Humiliating.

I just--

Look, I know what it's like

to have feelings for the wrong person.

You know, they're in front of your face every day,

and you so want it to work.

But it just can't.

It's hard, but you gotta put those feelings

aside and move on.

You'll be better off that way.

Mm-hmm.

I see.

Um, I think we should both get back to work.

Okay? - Okay.

Oh, my God.

Poor Matthew is completely enamored with me.

And here I am just flaunting myself

in front of him, dressed like a damn showgirl,

torturing that poor boy.

Ugh.

But on the bright side, Big J's still got it.

Hey, pal.

How you doing?

Not good, man.

ZoyngCoin crashed, and I lost everything.

Well, you really gotta be more careful with that stuff.

Hey, I tell you what, I'm gonna have my massage chair

shipped to your house so you don't hold this against me.

Oh, Bruce, you don't have to do that.

I insist, all right? You're my friend.

And I made a killing on ZoyngCoin.

Yeah.

I mean, you'll have to pay the, you know, redirection fee.

If there are stairs, it's gonna be--

but it's the least I can do.

I think they really liked you.

Girl, what's wrong with you?

I'm so sorry.

Oh, I think I just forgot how to be fun.

It's fine. We'll scrape that rust off.

Wanna grab a drink?

So bad.

We're paying with your money.

Yeah, that's fair.

Is it weird that I'm craving soup?

Oh, my God, same!

You know where I think I went wrong today?

I was trying to be Bruce.

And being Bruce is a bad idea, even for Bruce.

Everybody has gotta figure out what they value most in life.

And it's very rarely shmoney.

For me, it's simple--

comfy chair, hot slice, occasionally good company.

That's all I need.

Did it cost me 10 grand to learn this lesson?

Yes.

Was it something I probably already knew?

Yeah.

Yeah, it was.