Original subtitles

Two hundred and one.

Two hundred and one. -Tell Giancarlo.

One moment. Let's take a step back.

"At the time, our two still weren't there..."

Bread and ricotta.

Lower you baskets, the ricotta is fresh.

Bread and ricotta.

This is the life! Renting this apartment was a good idea.

Will we stay in Naples very long? -Not long, not long...

In fact, you'd better pack your suitcases now.

Why? -Because I do the ace game around here.

Do we do the find the ace game? -No, we do the three cards trick.

And that's what you can't do. In Naples, we say...

'A warned man is a half dead' Pack your bags and scram.

Don't stop me, Ciccio. I'll kill him.

Let go of me.

Who's holding you? -Do you want to send me to jail?

What did that man want? -He threatened my friend.

Me! And if I see him again, with my temper...

I'll stab him and I'll pin him to the door.

He means it, do you know what they called him in our village?

The blade master. -So he's good with a knife?

What? He's a barber.

We need to get to work. -Work is everything for him.

You know what they called him and his brother in our village?

Bread and work. -Two tireless workers?

No, his brother worked hard, he just ate bread.

Get out of here.

Go.

Consider this a warning.

I'll show you.

This is an honest game, no tricks, no cons.

Place your bets and find the ace.

Place your bets, gentlemen.

Where's the ace? Watch closely.

Where did I put the ace? Place your bets.

You mind your own business. -1000 lira.

1000 lira from the gentleman, turn the card, sir.

He just won 1000 lira. -I won 1000 lira!

Here's your 1000 lira. The game continues.

Listen to me, they did the same thing at my party in Naples.

1000 lira from the gentleman, there you go...

Turn the card. The gentleman lost.

Anyone can win. There are no tricks, no cons.

Just find the ace. -10,000.

Show me your money.

The gentleman just won 10,000 lira.

Take it.

Anyone can win. Place your bets.

Those idiots are back, go and win 1000 lira as well.

Hold these. Let me see what money I have.

2000 lira on that card, don't move.

He guessed it. It's that one.

Those two idiots are back in town.

Wait, I'm coming as well.

Those idiots with the cards are back.

Get out. -But I want to go to Comero?

But I want to go to Forcella. -Why Forcella?

The idiots with the cards are there. -Then I'll go to Forcella as well!

Take us to the two idiots with the cards in Forcella.

Salvatore. -What?

The two idiots with the cards are in Forcella.

Attention. Attention.

An urgent message for Mr. Genaro in the stadium...

Your brother-in-law, Piccillo...

Wants you to know that the idiots with the cards are in Forcella.

You're the worst type of crooks...

Because you steal money from the poor with this con.

Us? They ruined us!

Someone spread the word, inspector...

All of Naples came to Forcella to rob us two poor souls...

Who have come from Sicily in search of their fortune.

We had over 10,000 lira, now we're broke.

We even lost our table. -Good, play the victims now...

I know very well you always win with that trick.

But you don't know us, we didn't win once.

It's a miracle we're alive. -Why?

When were forced to close, due to a lack of funds...

They wanted to kill us. -Who? The ones who lost?

No, the ones who hadn't played. There was a queue.

We needed the bank of Italy to satisfy everyone.

It's not true. You're too smart to lose at this game.

No, we're too stupid. If you'll allow me...

Excuse me. Watch closely...

This is the card you want, just find the ace.

Where is it, inspector? -A real professional.

This one. -Put down your money.

Here. -Turn the card.

We won.

Is this how you lost? -It was a fluke.

We're so unlucky we beat you.

Try again, inspector, there's always time to make ammends.

This is the losing card and this is the winning card.

The ace wins, inspector, the ace is the round one.

You need a steady eye. Where's the ace?

You won't fool me this time. -Change card, inspector.

Listen to my friend. -No!

This is the winning card.

Wrong one.

So you're poor victims? You always lose, right?

Is it our fault if you're unluckier than us?

It's true. -I'm unluckier than them?

No. That they lost everything...

I was in there. they're two fools...

And they're also pretty stupid.

Just this morning they dared to threaten Pasqualino from Forcella.

Yes, they said they'd stab him and pin him to their door.

We were joking, one punch and I'd have dealt with him.

Dealt with him?

Pasqualino is the worst crook in the neighborhood...

Be careful.

If that's the case, we'll leave town.

I don't care what you do. I'm telling you to be careful...

You threatened Pasqualino from Forcella...

Idiots or not, Stupid or worse...

If anything happens to him, I'll hold you responsible.

And when the inspector says it, it's true...

Because the inspector never makes mistakes.

Not quite, I did make one mistake.

We're penniless, and the inspector hates us.

Are you waiting for us, Mr. Pasqualino?

Don't worry, we've stopped doing that card trick.

Don't look at us like that. We're friends.

We were only joking. Let me shake your hand.

He doesn't want to shake your hand.

Okay, as a sign of respect I'll kiss your hand.

He's as cold as ice. -Check out the knife.

I kissed a dead man's hand.

I'm scared. -We need to remain calm.

We need to reason. -Reason with the dead?

We must do something. -Run away!

No, we have to hide him. -Where will we put him?

But you kissed his hand.

Disgusting.

Don't push.

Run away. -No, sing, sing!

You think I feel like singing? -They have to think we're drunk.

"I am a man, I am alive..."

Did you have to choose that song? -I don't know any others.

"I am alive, because I love you."

"Because I love you."

"Because I love you."

"Because I love you."

"Because I love you."

Who is it?

Who are you? -Good evening.

Who are you looking for? -Sorry...

What do you want at this hour? -Does Pasquale di Forcella live here?

That scoundrel who ruined my husband doesn't live here.

In fact, if you see him, tell him Bomba's wife wants to see him dead.

You will. -Goodnight.

Quick, let's go home.

See if the dead guy's coming.

It must be Pasqualino's pistol. He didn't have time to use it.

Put it in your pocket.

Quiet.

Get in.

We're safe for now.

We have to decide what we're going to do.

Let's sleep on it and talk about it in the morning.

Great, we fall asleep here and wake up in prison.

It won't take long for them to find the body...

And we'll be the first people they arrest.

But we're innocent. -But all the evidence is against us.

The only thing we can do is leave.

Pack the suitcase. -I'll pack the suitcase.

We need to leave the city immediately...

Before they find Pasqualino's body.

But running away is almost an admission of guilt.

People run when they have something to hide.

No, no...

We have to face this. Unpack the suitcase.

We'll tell the inspector everything, and we'll prove our innocence.

But the inspector said that if anything happens to Pasqualino...

He'll hold us responsible. No, no...

It would be crazy to stay here.

Pasqualino died just like you said he would...

He was pinned to the door.

If we had an alibi, at least.

But we do have an alibi. It's cast iron...

When we left the police station we took a taxi home...

This is what our lawyer has to demonstrate.

But what lawyer? We have an alibi...

But we don't have money for a lawyer.

And if we don't have the money for a lawyer...

We don't even have the money to leave!

If we stay, they'll arrest us...

We'll find the money and we'll leave. No... it's not possible.

How will we get the money?

We have to get it, no matter what.

There must be some guardian angel that will help us.

I think so.

No, it's not easy.

But we must leave. Even if we have to walk.

To hide or not hide, leave or not leave...

Stay or not stay, run away or not run away...

Hand ourselves in, or not hand ourselves in.

Tell everthing or not tell everything, turn up or not turn up...

Run away or not run away, to be or not to be...

Franco! We made it to Hamlet.

We're not cut out to be robbers.

We don't have enough money for a train ticket so we have to rob.

One robbery and we're out of here. What are we missing?

We have a pistol. -Courage, that's missing.

It's easy, couples come here all the time to make love.

As soon as they pull up, we'll jump out...

I'll open the window, you point the gun at him...

I'll say "Give us your wallet". You grab the car keys.

I'll take care of the woman, I'll grab her handbag...

You'll throw away the car keys, and we'll run away.

Fear and surprise, got it? -Yes!

So what do I have to do?

Let's go.

Let's go.

Let's go.

The prey is coming.

The prey is coming.

An old man and a young woman, easy prey!

Hands up. Give me your wallet.

Keys.

Keys.

Handbag.

Watch.

Throw away the car keys.

Throw away the car keys.

Where's the handbag? -I gave it to you.

They must still have it. Stop!

I told you we aren't cut out for this.

Whether we are or not, we need the cash.

Someone's coming. Let's hide.

This way.

No one can bother us here.

Here's okay.

Do you like it?

Kiss me.

Sorry.

It has wheels.

Push. Push.

Okay, start it up. -You drive.

But I don't know how? -Me neither.

Then why did we steal it? -You said "push, push".

What are you talking about?

The police.

Just act normal.

What happened? -We broke down.

Won't start? -No, it won't start.

Have you checked the carburator? -We always check it...

The carburator's fine, I assure you.

Let's have a look. -Don't worry, it's our problem.

We're here to serve the public. -It's nothing serious.

I said we're here to serve the public, got it?

What are you waiting for? -Right, what are we waiting for?

What are we waiting for?

What are you doing?

Goodbye.

Just look at them. -Thief, thief!

They stole my motorbike. -Calm down...

We'll find them at the hospital. -Please hurry.

Hurry.

Try to catch them. -We'll find them at the hospital.

What's wrong? -We're out of gas.

It doesn't matter, we've been driving for seven hours...

We should be 300 miles away from Naples.

Wait.

Excuse me, Mr. Street Sweeper, what village is this?

Village? This is Naples.

But this is Naples. -Then where have we driven all night?

You're an idiot. Let's get out of here.

The cops! -The military police.

Act normal.

'Audacious Robbery, Motorcycle thieves on the run'

It doesn't mention Pasqualino. Have the cops gone?

I don't think so.

Donation to the orphanage. -Sure, right away.

Ciccio, I'm dead. I'm dead.

What if they find the pistol on us?

They'd arrest us for the robbery, and for killing Pasqualino.

They'd put us away for life. -I'd better get rid of it.

Good. -Who do I give it to?

You idiot, put it away.

Let's go.

Give to charity. Help a poor blind man.

Give something to help a poor blind man.

Hey, why did you give this to me?

Take it back.

Look where you're going. -Excuse us.

We're clear, I put it in his pocket.

I'm tired, I can't go on. -We'll rest later.

The police. -They're nuns with big hats!

For the kids in the orphanage.

Excuse me, where's the station?

That way. -This way.

Where did those cows come from?

They must have loaded them while we were sleeping.

They're marvellous, Swiss cows.

Swiss cows are black and white, they're French.

French? -If you don't believe me...

Ask them. -Excuse me.

Do you speak French?

No, I speak German! -They're Swiss-Germany.

Not Germany, 'German'

We thought the cow spoke. -Cows can't speak.

I thought I was alone here.

We can't travel in three. Get off, now.

Please let us travel with you, we need to go far away.

Far from where? -From Naples...

We're running away because we're suspected of three murders...

Two robberies and a murder.

They'll put us away for life. -Life?

Not good. -We know that.

Let us stay. -This train is going to Marseille.

Me and my cows are going to Marseille.

We want to go to Marseille as well.

If you're running away, there's one place where no one can find you.

Where? -A marvellous place...

Great salaries, wonderful women...

A quiet life. -Magnificent.

Marvellous.

The quiet life, marvellous women...

They're all men. -The good life is at the fort.

Walk faster, slobs. Keep up with the other soldiers.

Listen, boss, is this fort much further away?

What are you talking about? I don't understand.

Walk Walk!

They don't understand us. -Of course, it's the foreign legion.

Ask the Bedouins. -On my way.

Excuse me Mr. Bedouin, is the fort much further away?

Another twenty miles, brother.

They understand us. They understand us.

Hurry up, snails. -One moment!

Walk, slobs. Walk.

Gentlemen, someone is supplying the rebels with guns...

And it's making it harder for us to transport the oil.

We've lost two oil tankers in the desert.

This has to stop.

We must find out who is arming the rebels.

We have good reason to believe...

That Abdul Mustafa, the Bey, is behind it.

Do you realise what you're saying? He's an ally of the crown.

I know, it's a very delicate situation.

I sent two spies to the palace to obtain more concrete proof.

Who did you send? -Gomez and Trintignant.

The dumbest officers we have! -They're all a bit dumb, sir.

It's true, the foreign legion is in decline...

All we get nowadays are failed Teddy Boys...

And mummy's boys looking for adventure.

What happened to all the great criminals?

These are the men the legion needs...

Strong, proud, without fear.

'Two Sicilian Mafiosi murder Pasqualino from Forcella'

This is an aptitude test to be a good officer.

There are three bells here...

Pay attention because I won't repeat myself.

These three bells make three different sounds...

And the speakers are hidden in the walls in this room.

I'll ring one of these bells...

And you have to tell me where the sound is coming from.

To your left, or your right. Understood?

Yes, sir. -Pay attention.

Where did the sound come from? -From behind me.

Good. Now, let's do the colour test.

Pass me a ball of yellow wool.

Good. Now, a red one.

That's enough. You can go.

Write, good reflexes, excellent eyesight.

Next.

At ease!

Do you want a cigarette? -I don't smoke.

I said "At ease", it means sit properly.

Who are you?

Franco Cocuzza, from Parzenico.

Parzenico? -As soon as you arrive in Sicily...

There.

In Parzenico you're Franco Cocuzza, here you're someone else, got it?

The people they send us!

What are you doing?

I'll make it two-tone. -What?

The pullover. The colours of Catania, red and blue.

We don't use them to make pullovers.

What's your hearing like? -Great...

Write, 'Exceptionally stupid'. -Just like he said.

Can I get a transfer? -No, no...

We need idiots like you on the frontline. Go away!

Next.

Next.

You. -Me?

Yes, you.

Is he your friend? -No, we're brothers.

May I? Ciccio Fisichella, from Parzenico.

Then you're as dumb as him? -No, no...

As they gave me the milk first, I drank all of it...

So I got all the vitamins.

Let's hope so. Did you hear what I said before?

Yes, yes. -Listen for the sound.

Where are you going? -Someone rang the doorbell.

Didn't you see me press the button?

So it was a joke. -Do I look like I'm joking?

What do you say? -I say I never joke.

Are you a serious person? -Sergeant Trafford never laughs.

Never? -Never.

Did you hear the one about... -I'll put you in hospital.

As a nurse? -No, as a patient...

Because I'll tan your hide. Go away!

Next.

You again? What do you want?

You said "Next". -So what?

Earlier you said I'm someone else here.

Go away. Go away.

Take me away? -Take him away.

Ciccio.

Hey, you.

Your uniform is untidy, back to the barracks.

Attention! -Hear that? There's danger.

I heard. I heard.

Why aren't you standing to attention? I said, attention!

Why? Are we in a bad position? -Terrible!

What's behind us? A precipice? -No, your captain is behind you.

Can't you see me? -No, we're in the dark.

The sergeant told us not to take off our hats, we can't see a thing.

Take off your hats. -Do you take responsibility?

The sergeant will send us to prison. -I'll throw you in prison, fools!

Take off your hats. -It's a miracle!

What are you doing? How dare you.

We're just being grateful. -I'll sort you out.

Then sort out our hats. -And our shoes are a bit tight.

Shoes and hats! Get out of here!

It's not fair. -One moment, come here.

But I know you! What are your names?

He's Franco Cocuzza, I'm Ciccio Fisichella from Parzenico.

As soon as you arrive in Sicily... There!

Yes, from the newspaper! Is it really you?

Yes. -Great, great...

The legion needs men like you. Great, great!

The captain will be so happy. Great, guys.

What an idiot. -I ordered you not to take your hats off.

Yes, that's true, but we couldn't see anything.

Is that so? Don't you like your uniforms?

You could say that. -What is it you don't like?

The shoes. They're too tight.

And? -The tight shoes, the big shirts.

You're right. I'll take care of it.

How kind. -Take off your shoes.

He'll change them. -On the floor.

Soldiers. -Yes, sir.

Leave those rucksacks here. -Yes, sir.

Stand up.

You'll switch them like this, and you like this.

But this isn't right. -Don't question my orders.

Down!

Listen here, you're going run around the courtyard a hundred times.

And the first one who stops, I give you my word...

You'll think death is the easy option. Understood?

Forward, march! One, two, one two...

Run, you snails. Run, fools.

You're soldiers, don't give up so easily.

Run. Run.

We're still at the start, this is nothing, run you snails.

Why didn't you tell me earlier?

As soon as I recognised them I came straight to you...

But you didn't want to be disturbed. -I was writing to my wife...

She wants me write everyday, but I don't know what to write anymore.

Let's see these guys. -They're great.

Come on, you layabouts. -A hundred?

Ninety nine.

Come on. Start running.

Run. One, two, one, two...

They've been training with a forced march for more than an hour.

They're made of the right stuff, superior in every respect.

They'll be the pride of the legion.

100.

A nice a little workout.

Ciccio, let's take off our shoes.

Ciccio. Look at our feet.

What happened?

The rebels attacked the convoy, they took all the oil.

I'm the only one who survived. -Take him to the infirmary.

Damn it, it's the third cargo of oil they've stolen...

Not forgetting the five men they killed.

I'm convinced the sheik is double-crossing us.

You're not the only one, but let's wait for our spies to return...

And if your suspicions are true...

I'll halt all payments to the Bey...

And abandon him to the fury of the people.

I'm fed up of that idiot with all his wives.

Noble Sadrin.

Did my dear cousin, Sultan Abdul Mustafa, spend a happy night?

Spent, yes. but not happily...

He's still in his harem with all his wives who haven't let him sleep a wink.

If they didn't sleep then he was happy. -I don't think so...

If they can't sleep because their husband screams then the husband isn't happy...

And the Sultan screamed all night.

I'll calm him down. -But it's you he's upset with.

So I advise you not to enter. -Don't worry...

I know how to deal with him.

Here you are! I was waiting for you.

I am your humble servant. -Like hell you are...

You don't give a damn about me.

What have I done to upset you? -You're asking me?

You haven't brought me a new wife in over a week...

And the last two you dumped on me were second-hand.

Where did you find them? In the sewer?

Look at this, poor thing...

She's all bone, what am I going to do with her? Make soup?

And look at this other one...

She looks okay. -She's a late bloomer.

-Why?

Dear cousin, I tried to be varied.

I provided you with a fat one and a thin one...

Beautiful and plain, simple and sophisticated...

Blonde and brunette. -Look at them, they're weak, tired.

That's your fault, cousin, you're... exhuberant!

I know, but what can I do...

If I consume more women in one night...

Than Elizabeth Taylor, husbands, in a year.

Find me new merchandise, this is why I appointed you state advisor.

Yes, I know. I made a mistake, cousin...

But I promise you, one of these nights I'll bring you...

...two stars. -You always promise the earth.

Two authentic jewels, young, fresh...

Yes, cousin! -Skilled in the art of making love.

Of love. Excellent, Sadrin...

Enough of these uneducated workers...

I want two artists, skilled like me.

Go and fetch them. Leave me alone now...

I want to dream about them.

Two new wives, with two eyes like this...

And two lips like this...

And two... Well, everything like this!

Sadrin.

What's wrong? -My men captured two French spies.

Who are they? -They're from the foreign legion.

It's pointless, the trumpet doesn't work.

Fisichella, Cocuzza. Attention!

Get up. Get up.

We can't, Sergeant? -Are you sick?

Very sick. We even went to the doctor.

And what did he say? -He said we're...

You know when the cinema is full? -Cinema?

Like when you go to the cinema and the ticket lady says...

"There are no seats." -Finished?

That's right! And he said we need to eat a lot.

Then go and eat. -If only!

The problem is the trumpet doesn't work.

What has the trumpet got to do with it? -To eat.

Since when do you eat with a trumpet?

He... -Me!

...asked captain Roger what do we have to do eat?

And the captain said, "Nothing, play the trumpet."

He did well. -I've been playing it for an hour...

But no one brought us any food. -The reason for the trumpet...

Is to let you know dinner's ready! -Why is he getting upset?

Look, if dinner's ready, why don't they bring it to us?

Because you have to go there, like all the other legionaires.

Take the... Take the...

The high road? -The mess tin.

Get out. Move it.

One, two, one, two...

Move along.

Can we eat as well?

Where have you been? Make it quick.

Go. -Sorry.

I don't like soup. -Me neither.

Really? And what would you like to eat?

We're here to please you. -What have you got?

Whatever you want, Parisian gnocchi...

Rice with mushrooms. -Rice with mushrooms.

Two. -Two of them.

And for your second course? Chicken?

Chicken! -With potatoes?

And two mixed salads. -And?

Fruit and coffee. -No dessert?

If you have it. -We have everything.

Just ask the sergeant for a ticket. -The sergeant?

We'll ask the sergeant. Right away.

Can we have a ticket for the canteen?

Haven't you already eaten? -We don't like it...

So we want rice with mushrooms, chicken and potatoes...

Mixed salad. -Fruit and coffee.

And dessert. -And a liqueur for digestion?

If you have it. -Wine for me.

Go away! -Won't you give us a ticket?

Yes! But for punishment...

In p... In p...

-I'll put you in prison.

Sergeant Trafford.

What's going on? -They're driving me crazy...

They wanted mushrooms with rice and chicken and potatoes.

Give it to them, sergeant. -Are you joking?

I never joke, sergeant.

You two, come here.

I'm proud to have two men like you in the legion.

Tonight you will dine in the Scrum Tavern...

Where we dance, we fight, and we whistle.

Will there be any women?

You'll accompany them, Roger.

Yes, sir.

What shall we do? -Throw away the soup.

What's going on?

The two spies we sent on a secret mission to the palace have been killed.

You were right. The Bey has double crossed us.

You're convinced now. -But I'll pay him back for this.

Next time, Mustafa Bey will find himself in front of two.. (cut)

Saida, I need to see to you. -I can't, I'm working.

They just want to lust over you. -You know I only love you.

That doesn't cut it, we fell in love at first sight...

But all we do is look at each other.

Saida. -Goodbye, Saida.

I'll see you inside. -Saida, what are you doing?

Me? Nothing. -Then get back to work.

Are you alone?

Be careful.

Distribute these guns tonight. The day of reckoning is close.

We wait for you signal. -Good, my faithful warrior...

You will be rewarded.

I will reward him...

...with this! -When?

Soon.

Those mangy dogs will soon have a real master...

...Sandrin Bey. -And me?

What will you offer me? -To my Lina...

Love, riches and honour...

If you know how to earn them? -How?

I will offer you and Saida to Mustafa Bey.

It will be the last night of his life...

Because you will kill him.

Then why do you need Saida?

You will accuse her of killing the Sultan.

My men will take over the palace...

And I will avenge my dearest cousin...

Condemning Saida to death.

Cigarettes.

Cigarettes, gentlemen.

Don't you like the women? -No.

None of them? -I'm in love.

With a woman? -No, you.

Pardon.

Are you leading him on? -No.

I'm in love with her. -Then he's one of us.

Thank god.

She's smiling at you.

I know, it's the uniform. -But we're all wearing uniforms.

Yes, but this uniform hides a marvellous hunk.

Let's spend the night together.

But my boyfriend might turn up at any minute...

Sergeant Trafford. -That fool, I'll tear him to pieces.

Behave, Gerard, it's better if he doesn't see us together.

He gets very jealous.

I'll dance with that idiot. Yes, him.

Shall we dance?

Sorry.

From the first moment I saw you...

I knew you were the woman of my dreams.

I bet you'd marry me, too! -Why not?

But I'm engaged. -You're not engaged anymore!

I'm legionaire Franco Cocuzza from Parzenico...

As soon as you arrive in Sicily...

Let's run away together!

Don't worry, I'll take care of your fiance.

Who are you talking about? -None of your business.

She was talking about her stupid fiance.

And who might that be?

Me. -Him!

It's not my fault. It was Sergeant Trafford.

Where is that dumbass? -He's over there.

Let's go.

I don't want you dancing with soldiers. -You're right, she should dance with sailors.

Legionaires.

Does this happen often? -Every night.

That's why they call it the Scrum Tavern. -But who pays for the damage?

Ever wonder why the wine is so expensive?

What can I get you? -A brandy.

It's only by the bottle. -One bottle.

-What brand? Black Label...

'The brandy that creates an atmosphere.'

Are you okay? -Go away.

Damned fools, I'll make you pay for this...

I'll carry you to your execution. I'll make you dig your own graves.

Dig, snails. Dig.

Who is it? -It's me, Ciccio.

Leave me alone, I'm praying. -Pray for me as well.

Haven't you finished, yet? The firing squad will be here soon.

Farewell, Ciccio. Stay close to me.

It's time to meet our maker.

Let's hope death looks kindly on us.

Get out.

Turn around.

Attention.

The firing squad! -The firing squad?

Ready.

Aim.

Aim.

Fire.

Glory and honour to the two legionaires, Trintignant and Gomez...

Who fell heroically, doing their duty.

Fire.

I'm dead. -Did you you hear?

They brought a band. -I didn't hear anything.

Then they missed.

They shot in the air.

It's a ceremony. Look at the flags.

And there are two coffins. -They replaced us.

Thank you. Thank you.

We are here to bury our fallen comrades.

Fire.

Great. Great.

I saw how you paid your respects to our fallen heroes...

And I want to give you the chance to avenge them...

Entrusting you with a secret mission. So secret...

It's top secret! -If it's so secret why is he telling us?

Ciccio, stop.

Stop. I'm getting seasick.

Are you upset? -No, why?

You have such a black face. -We're Arabs.

The captain said the mission is very dangerous.

I don't feel well. I feel seasick.

Let me down, I'm seasick.

You're travelling on the desert ship. -Then let me get off.

The heat consumes me. I'm stopping.

I'm dying. Say farewell to my family.

It's your fault, you left the camel behind.

It made me seasick.

I'm thirsty. I'm dying.

I'm thirsty. -Me too, but we must be strong.

Get me a glass of mineral water. -Where from?

A bar. -Where's the bar?

I'm not moving. -I can't leave you.

I want to die. I want water.

I see. -What do you see?

I see something. -It's a mirage.

I see. -Ciccio, stop!

It's a post. -It's mirage, want me to prove it?

Wait.

You see! It's a mirage.

You didn't want to believe me. What does it say?

'Real post'

What a con. Let's go.

Excuse me. -Tell me?

I'd like some information. -That's why we're here.

Where's the exit?

You have to figure that out for yourself if you want a nice cold drink.

Rascal, cad and ruffian!

What are you doing? -Sorry, Ciccio...

It was a mirage, I thought you were a desert guide.

Don't let your thirst get to you.

You want some advice? Sing to forget.

"Fountain water..."

Do you have to sing that? Sing something else.

"W for water, B for beer..."

"C for Coca-Cola."

Stop! You're driving me crazy!

Look. Do you see what I see?

Mineral water, coca-cola.

A drinks vendor. -We're saved.

Let's go.

What are the chances of a drinks vendor turning up in the desert?

We're fooling ourselves. -You're right, it's a mirage.

They're real drinks.

I've been wandering around this desert for six months...

But everyone thinks I'm a mirage so I haven't made a dime.

Drink it, it's fresh!

My men are ready in the nearby oasis.

Very good, I'll go and get the precious gift for my noble cousin.

Attack the palace on my signal. And remember...

I'll light a torch on the terrace.

I'll need two of your most trusted men.

You'll find them in third vase in the corridor that leads to the harem.

Thanks for everything, mother of the desert.

If we hadn't met you we'd never have made it here.

And I would never have known the joy of love.

Mysterious lady, grant us one favour...

Show us your face so we can memorise it forever.

Yes, my love.

Ugly!

How do we get in?

I have an idea.

Let's ring the bell and just bluff our way in.

What bell? We need to a strategem.

A what?

I'm winking because the chance has come to put my strategem into action.

We'll go in with the sheep. -How?

We'll blend in with them.

Sheep.

Hey, who are you?

Sheep. -Yes.

No. You're spies!

They figured out we aren't sheep. -Run.

What is all this commotion? -Two spies have infiltrated the palace.

Are you sure they're spies? -They're two Bedouins.

Abdullah said he hasn't seen them before. -Don't worry, I know them...

I was expecting them. -Then I'll call off the search.

Noble Sadrin! My lord is impatient...

Are they the new brides? -Yes.

What do you think? Are they worthy of Mustapha Bey?

Let me see them.

Nice. Beautiful... Marvellous!

Very good. Prepare them.

I'm going to take these lovely ladies to my noble cousin.

Come with me, ladies, I'll give you clothes fit for a queen.

I am Sadrin Bey. Sadrin Bey!

Come in, ladies. Come in.

Mustafa has sent all his wives away just for you.

You're alone. The clothes I promised you...

You'll find them in the bathroom.

Let's go. Let's go.

Get up, you slobs.

Make your way to the corridor that leads to the Sultan's harem...

And hide in the third vase, understood?

Out of the frying pan into the fire. -Why?

You see those dresses? We're in the Sultan's Harem.

Women!

They'll make us eunuchs if they catch us here.

Eunuchs? What does that mean?

It mean they'll do to us what they do to chickens to make them capons.

You'll figure it out if they find us here.

Let's get out of here. -Are you crazy? They'll cut our heads off.

I get it...

We need to decide what they have to cut off.

One moment.

Do these veils say anything? -No.

But they suggest another strategem.

Are you going to talk or not?

Sergeant.

Make them talk.

If you guys are mute, I'll show you a miracle.

Move it, you layabouts. Start walking.

What are we waiting for? -A signal from our two heroes.

Once they're certain the Bey has double crossed us...

They'll light a torch on the terrace.

Get to your positions. -Yes, sir.

Ciccio, you know this dress suits me...

I look like a real lady!

We must get out of here before they return.

Cover your face, I can see your moustache.

Let's go.

Where are you? -The guards.

Let's hide. -Where can I hide?

There. Get in there.

I'll just stand here.

Doves.

Here I am. I'm here.

I want you. I'm all yours.

Beautiful. You're so tall.

Who are you? The Eiffel tower of love?

The skyscraper of passion? You're the Kilimanjaro of luxury!

Who are you? Who are you?

Ciccia Fisichella from Parzenico. -Ciccia! Ciccia!

Why do you resist? You drive me crazy.

I've always dreamed of a woman as tall as you.

Francuza, help me. -I want you.

You're so evil! You prefer her to me?

Let me work on her. -No, I'm jealous.

Look at you. And I neglected you.

You're a passionate one.

Sicilian. Sicilian.

Yes, I'm Sicilian. -Sicilian.

My blood is boiling in my veins. -Are you hot for me?

I'm burning up. -Hot and burnt...

Come here and I'll eat you! -This guy's nuts.

Ciccia. Ciccia.

Sicilian. Sicilian.

Don't be so rude.

First you want me, then you leave me...

-No, I'm a sultan.

-Come with me.

No, come with me. -Come with me.

Enough, you silly girls. Stop it.

I'm used to forty wives, who do you think you two are?

No, we don't like that. We're country girls.

You're a feisty one. Then I'll start with her.

No, you must come with me.

I'm too in love.

Excuse me.

Then they like me!

Are you really crying? I'll go if you want.

What? I'm pretending.

Come on, girls, have you decided?

Yes. Let's play a game...

We'll blindfold you and the first one you catch will be yours.

I like it. It excites me.

Hurry, blindfold me.

Can you see? -No. -Better.

Where are you, my darlings?

Here's the Sicilian. The Sicilian!

Let's get out of this damned palace. -Are you crazy?

We must complete our mission. -Let's complete it later.

No, the colonel was very precise.

Do you know what we have to do? -Not everything...

But if the Bey has double crossed them then we have to give them a signal.

Double crossed them? I don't get it?

Someone's coming, let's hide. -Where?

In here.

Get out.

Get out.

It's almost time.

Take this torch to the terrace. Take it.

I'll tell you when to light it.

He's one of us. -Thank god.

Follow me.

Come here. Come here.

Come here. Come here.

We're so close.

Come here. I'm here, I'm here...

Just for you.

Stand on his shoulders and look at what the Sheik is doing.

Who? -The sheik.

Where are you? My darlings!

What is he doing? -He's with a woman.

Where are you?

He's with another woman now. -So he's double crossing her!

Double-cross? -Double-cross!

Let's light the torch. -Stay where you are.

I'll tell you when to light it. What are they doing now?

I can't see. -Look.

They killed Mustafa. -Excellent.

Excellent? -Light the torch.

That's the signal. Attack!

Attack.

Stay where you are.

The sheik has been murdered. -We're all widows.

Who did it? -A woman...

The killer will be punished. -What will happen to us?

Don't worry.

From now on, I am the new Sultan...

Satrin Bey.

Where is that traitor, Mustafa Bey?

Over here. -Nobody move.

Block all the exits.

Mustafa Bey is dead, I'm in charge now.

Satrin Bey. -Nice gift, cousin...

Nice gift, this woman tried to kill me.

It's a good thing I wear a harness for my back.

God protected you. -He told me to kill you...

And he armed the rebels. -Get him! He's the traitor.

Let go of me.

Let go of me, imbeciles. I'm your chief.

No, the colonel is our chief.

We we're with the legion.

Legionaires, Fisichella and Cocuzza.

I'm ticklish.

Excuse me.

'Local man confesses to the murder of Pasqualino from Forcella'

Sergeant Trafford, take care of these two slobs.

Thank you, colonel.

Let's be reasonable.

Goodbye.

Excuse me, is the sea far from here? -1000 miles, gentlemen.

This is one hell of a beach.

Subtitled by Merlin September 2010

www.cultfilmsubs.com