Original subtitles

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[upbeat music playing]

[cheering]

[school bell rings] [cheering]

[Veronica] September 1st, 1989.

Dear diary.

I think I'm a good person.

I believe there's good in everyone,

but here we are first day of senior year.

I see these kids I've known all my life and wondered,

what happened?

♪ Freak! Slut! Burnout! ♪

♪ Bug-Eyes! Poser! Lard-ass! ♪

♪ We were so tiny Happy and shiny ♪

♪ Playing tag And getting chased ♪

♪ Freak! Slut! Loser! Shortbus! ♪

♪ Singing and clapping Laughing and napping ♪

♪ Baking cookies, eating paste ♪

♪ Bull-dyke! Stuck-up! Hunchback! ♪

♪ Then we got bigger ♪

♪ That was the trigger Like the Huns invading Rome ♪

♪ Move ♪ ♪ Uh, sorry! ♪

♪ Welcome to my school This ain't no high school ♪

♪ This is the Thunderdome ♪

♪ Hold your breath And count the days ♪

♪ We're graduating soon ♪ ♪ White trash! ♪

♪ College will be paradise If I'm not dead by June! ♪

♪ But I know ♪

♪ I know Life can be beautiful ♪

♪ I pray I pray for a better way ♪

♪ If we changed back then ♪

♪ We could change again ♪

♪ We can be beautiful ♪

Ow! ♪ Just not today ♪

-Hey, are you okay? -Get away, nerd.

♪ Freak! Slut! Cripple! Homo! ♪

♪ Homo! Homo! ♪

♪ Things will get better soon As my letter comes ♪

♪ From Harvard, Duke, or Brown ♪

♪ Wake from this coma Take my diploma ♪

♪ Then I can blow this town ♪

♪ Dream of my ivy-covered walls And smoky French cafes ♪

Watch this!

♪ Fight the urge To strike a match ♪

♪ And send this dump ablaze! ♪

Oops.

Ram Sweeney.

Third year as linebacker.

And eighth year of smacking lunch trays

and being a huge dick.

What did you say to me, skank?

Nothing.

♪ But I know, I know ♪

♪ I know life can be beautiful ♪

♪ I pray, I pray I pray for a better way ♪

♪ We were kind before ♪

♪ We can be kind once more ♪

♪ We can be beautiful ♪

♪ Beautiful! ♪

Agh! Hey, Martha. Hey.

Martha Dunnstock. My best friend since diapers.

She's got a huge heart.

Around here, that's not enough.

Thanks. We on for movie night?

Yeah, you're on Jiffy Pop detail.

I rented The Princess Bride.

No, again?

Don't you have it memorized by now?

What can I say? I'm a sucker for a happy ending.

Martha Dumptruck!

If you wanna slim down,

you need more protein in your diet.

Kurt Kelly.

Quarterback.

He is the smartest guy on the football team.

Which is kind of like being the tallest dwarf.

[laughing] What is wrong with you?

I'm sorry, are you actually talking to me?

My buddy Kurt just asked you a question.

What gives you the right to pick on my friend?

I mean, look at you.

You're a high school has-been waiting to happen.

A future gas station attendant.

You got a zit right there.

[laughing]

Dear Diary.

♪ Why ♪ ♪ Why do they hate me? ♪

♪ Why don't I fight back? ♪ [Kurt] ♪ Why do I act ♪

♪ Like such a creep? ♪

[Veronica] ♪ Why? ♪ ♪ Why won't he date me? ♪

♪ Why did I wear this? ♪

♪ Why do I cry myself To sleep? ♪

♪ Why? ♪ ♪ Somebody hug me! ♪

♪ Somebody fix me! Somebody save me! ♪

♪ Send me a sign, God! ♪

♪ Give me some hope here! Something to live for! ♪

[dramatic music playing]

[cheering]

[all] ♪ Ah! Heather, Heather ♪

♪ And Heather! ♪

Then there's the Heathers. They float above it all.

[all] ♪ I love Heather ♪

♪ Heather, and Heather ♪

Heather McNamara. Head cheerleader.

Her dad is loaded, he sells engagement rings.

Heather Duke. Runs the yearbook.

No discernible personality,

but her mom did pay for implants.

And Heather Chandler.

The Almighty.

[all] ♪ Heather ♪

She is a mythic bitch.

The Heathers are solid Teflon,

never bothered, never harassed.

I would give anything to be like that.

I'd like to be their boyfriend.

[all] ♪ That would be Beautiful ♪

If I sat at their table, guys would notice me.

[all] ♪ So beautiful ♪

I'd like them to be nicer.

[all] ♪ That would Be beautiful ♪

I'd like to kidnap a Heather and photograph her naked

in an abandoned warehouse and leave her tied up for the rats!

[school bell rings]

[Heather Duke vomits]

Grow up, Heather.

Bulimia is so '87.

Heather, I need a mint.

What you need, Heather, is to see a doctor.

Ah, Heather and Heather.

[Heather Duke vomits] And Heather.

Perhaps you didn't hear the bell over all the vomiting.

You're late for class.

Heather wasn't feeling well.

We're helping her.

Not without a hall pass you're not.

A week's detention.

My parents pay your salary! Actually, Ms. Fleming,

all four of us are out on a hall pass.

Yearbook committee.

[clears throat]

Well, I see you're all listed.

Hurry up and get where you're going.

This is an excellent forgery.

Who are you? Veronica Sawyer.

I crave a boon. What boon?

Let me sit at your table at lunch. Just once.

No talking necessary.

If people think you guys tolerate me,

they'll leave me alone.

Before you answer, I also do report cards,

permission slips and absence notes.

How about prescriptions?

Shut up, Heather. Sorry, Heather.

For a greasy little nobody, she does have

good bone structure.

And a symmetrical face.

If I took a meat cleaver down the center of her skull,

I'd have matching halves. That's very important.

Of course, you could stand to lose a few pounds.

♪ And ya know, ya know Ya know? ♪

♪ This could be beautiful ♪

♪ Mascara, maybe some lip gloss And we're on our way ♪

♪ Get this girl some blush ♪

♪ And Heather I need your brush ♪

-♪ Let's make her beautiful ♪ -♪ Let's make her beautiful ♪

♪ Let's make her beautiful ♪ ♪ Make her beautiful ♪

Okay? Okay!

[school bell rings]

♪ Out of my way, geek! ♪ ♪ I don't want trouble! ♪

♪ You're gonna die At 3:00 p.m. ♪

[both] ♪ Don't you dare Touch me! ♪

♪ Get away, pervert! ♪ ♪ What'd I ever do to them? ♪

[all] ♪ Who could survive this? I can't escape this! ♪

♪ I think I'm dying! ♪ ♪ Who's that with Heather? ♪

[all] Whoa!

♪ Heather, Heather, Heather ♪

♪ And someone! ♪

[all] ♪ Heather, Heather Heather ♪

♪ And a babe! ♪

[all] ♪ Heather, Heather Heather ♪

Veronica?

[all] ♪ Veronica? Veronica? Veronica? ♪

♪ And ya know, ya know Ya know ♪

♪ Life can be beautiful ♪

♪ You hope, you dream You pray ♪

♪ And you get your way! ♪

♪ Ask me how it feels ♪

♪ Looking like hell on wheels ♪

♪ My God, it's beautiful! ♪

[all] ♪ Beautiful! ♪ ♪ My life is beautiful! ♪

[all] ♪ Beautiful! ♪

[Veronica] ♪ And when you're beautiful ♪

♪ It's a beautiful Frickin' day! ♪

[all] ♪ Heather, Heather Heather, Veronica! ♪

♪ Heather! Heather! Heather, Veronica! ♪

♪ Veronica! Veronica! Veronica! ♪

♪ Veronica! ♪

[cheering and applauding]

Dear Diary, it's been three weeks

since I became friends with the Heathers.

Friends isn't the right word exactly.

It's more like the Heathers are people I work with.

And our job is being popular and shit.

[school bell rings]

Hey, Veronica. Hey!

You really look beautiful these days.

Yeah, well, it's still the same me underneath.

Are you sure? Yeah.

Look, I'm sorry I flaked on movie night last week.

I've just had a lot going on. I get that.

You're with the Heathers now. It's exciting.

It's-- whatever. [laughs]

But we'll hang out soon, I promise.

Veronica.

Heather requires your presence. Now.

How very.

Veronica, I need a forgery written

in Ram Sweeney's handwriting.

You'll need something to lean on.

Heather, bend over.

[crowd laughs]

[Heather C] "Hi, beautiful.

I've been watching you and thinking about us

in the old days.

I hope you can come to my homecoming party this weekend.

I miss you, Ram."

Put an "XO" after the signature.

What's this for anyway?

You remember how Ram used to hang with Martha Dumptruck?

Yeah, in kindergarten. I mean, we all did.

We all didn't kiss on the kickball field.

Oh, my God. That's right, I totally forgot.

Ram kissed Martha Dumptruck.

[laughs]

It was disgusting.

Perfect. Boys?

Over here, please.

What do you think Heather wants?

My hot body? Uh-huh, punch it in!

Hell yeah!

Ram, be a sweetie and give this note to Martha Dumptruck for me.

What? No!

Martha's had a crush on Ram for like 12 years.

This would kill her.

And come on, Heather, you're bigger than this.

Are we gonna have a problem?

You got a bone to pick?

You've come so far, why now are you pulling on my dick?

I'd normally slap your face off, and everyone here could watch.

But I'm feeling nice. Here's some advice.

Listen up, byatch!

-[rock music playing] -[crowd cheering]

♪ I like ♪

♪ Looking hot Buying stuff they cannot ♪

♪ I like ♪ ♪ Drinking hard ♪

♪ Maxing Dad's credit card ♪

♪ I like ♪ ♪ Skipping gym ♪

♪ Scaring her, screwing him ♪

♪ I like ♪ ♪ Killer clothes ♪

♪ Kicking nerds in the nose! ♪

♪ If you lack the balls You can go play dolls ♪

♪ Let your mommy fix you A snack ♪

♪ Whoa! ♪

♪ Or you could come smoke Pound some rum and coke ♪

♪ In my Porsche With the quarterback ♪

♪ Oh, whoa Oh, whoa, oh whoa! ♪

♪ Honey, what you waiting for? ♪

♪ Welcome to my candy store! ♪

♪ Time for you to prove You're not a loser anymore ♪

♪ Then step Into my candy store! ♪

♪ Guys fall ♪ ♪ At your feet ♪

♪ Pay the check ♪ ♪ Help you cheat! ♪

♪ All you ♪ ♪ Have to do ♪

♪ Say goodbye to Shamu ♪ ♪ That freak's ♪

♪ Not your friend I can tell, in the end ♪

♪ If she ♪ ♪ Had your shot ♪

♪ She would leave you to rot! ♪

♪ Of course if you don't care Fine, go braid her hair ♪

♪ Maybe Sesame Street is on ♪

♪ Whoa! ♪ ♪ Or forget that creep ♪

♪ And get in my Jeep ♪

♪ Let's go tear up Someone's lawn! ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Honey, what you waiting for? ♪

♪ Welcome to my candy store! ♪

♪ You just gotta prove You're not a pussy anymore ♪

♪ Then step Into my candy store! ♪

♪ You can join the team ♪ ♪ Or you can bitch and moan ♪

♪ You can live the dream ♪

♪ Or you can die alone ♪ ♪ You can fly with eagles ♪

♪ Or if you prefer ♪ ♪ Keep testing me ♪

♪ And end up like her! ♪

Veronica, look! Ram invited me to his homecoming party!

See? I told you there was still something there.

This proves he's been thinking about me!

Color me stoked. I'm so happy.

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Honey what you Waiting for-- ♪

Shut up, Heather!

♪ Step into my candy store! ♪

♪ Whoa, time for you to prove ♪

♪ You're not A lame-ass anymore! ♪

♪ Then step Into my candy store! ♪

♪ It's my candy store It's my candy ♪

♪ It's my candy store It's my candy ♪

♪ It's my candy store ♪

♪ It's my candy store! ♪

[crowd cheering]

You shouldn't have bowed down to the swatch dogs

and diet-coke-heads.

They're gonna crush that girl.

I'm sorry, what?

Well, you clearly have a soul.

You just need to work harder keeping it clean.

We're all born marked for evil.

Okay. Don't just quote Baudelaire at me

and then walk away.

Excuse me, I didn't catch your name.

I didn't throw it. [crowd laughs]

Who does the guy in the jacket think he is anyway,

he's Bo Diddley?

Veronica's into his act, no doubt.

Let's kick his ass! Hey, we're seniors, man.

We're too old for this. Come on.

[Ram groans]

Hey, sweetheart!

What did your boyfriend say when you told him

you were moving to Sherwood, Ohio?

My buddy Kurt just asked you a question.

[crowd laughs] Hey, Ram,

doesn't this cafeteria have a "no fags allowed" rule?

[Ram laughs]

I'm not sure what your problem is.

But I bet it's really hard for you to pronounce.

Hold his arms!

[tense music playing]

[grunts]

[all] ♪ Holy shit! Holy shit! ♪

♪ Holy shit! Holy shit! ♪

♪ Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit! ♪

♪ Holy shit! Holy shit! ♪

♪ Why when you see boys fight ♪

♪ Does it look so horrible yet ♪

♪ Feel so right? ♪

♪ I shouldn't watch this crap ♪

♪ That's not who I am ♪

♪ But with this kid ♪

♪ Damn ♪

♪ Hey, Mr. No-Name Kid ♪

♪ So, who might you be? ♪

♪ And could you fight for me? ♪

♪ And hey ♪

♪ Could you face the crowd? ♪

♪ Could you be seen with me ♪

♪ And still act proud? ♪

♪ Hey, would you hold my hand ♪

♪ And could you carry me ♪

♪ Through no man's land? ♪

♪ It's fine if you don't agree ♪

♪ But I would fight for you ♪

♪ If you would fight for me ♪

♪ Let them drive us Underground ♪

♪ I don't care how far ♪ [all vocalizing]

♪ You can set my broken bones ♪

♪ And I know CPR ♪

♪ Well, whoa ♪ [crowd laughs]

♪ You can punch real good ♪

♪ You've lasted longer ♪

♪ Than I thought you would ♪

♪ So hey, Mr. No-Name-Kid ♪

♪ If some night you're free ♪

[all vocalizing]

♪ Wanna fight for me? ♪

[all] ♪ Holy shit ♪

[Veronica] ♪ If you're still alive ♪

[all] ♪ Holy shit ♪

♪ I would fight for you ♪ [all] ♪ Holy shit Holy shit ♪

♪ If you would fight for me ♪ [all] ♪ Holy shit Holy shit ♪

[all] ♪ Holy shit Holy shit ♪

[cheering and applauding]

[Ram and Kurt grunt]

[Kurt] Oh, man, that sucked!

[Ram] Those were some cheap shots.

Ah! I'm missing a ball!

No, you're not. No, no, seriously.

I think he kicked it up my butt or something.

It's probably just impacted.

Plug your nose and push.

Okay.

[gasps]

Oh, there it is. See, told you.

[crowd laughs]

[whimsical music playing]

Your mouth was hanging wide open.

No, it wasn't. I mean, seriously,

Veronica, drool much? It was nothing like that.

Come on, admit it. You like the new kid.

I don't even know his name.

You were totally throwing your panties at him.

[laughs]

[gasps]

[crowd laughs]

I am talking to my friend.

Sorry, Heather.

[crowd laughs]

Oh, mom, dad, look out. Oh.

Ah. Here you go, girls.

Care for some pate?

This isn't pate.

It's liverwurst.

I'm aware of that, Heather.

It's a family joke.

[laughs] [Veronica laughs]

Oh, funny.

[Veronica's dad grunts] Doggone it.

Will somebody please tell me why I read these spy novels?

'Cause you're an idiot, dad.

Oh, yeah. That's it.

[laughter]

You two.

So, girls, any plans for tonight?

Yeah, big homecoming party at Ram Sweeney's house.

I'm catching a ride with Heather.

Speaking of which.

Right.

Great pate, mom.

But we better motor if we want to be ready for that party.

[gasps] Oops.

Clean that right now.

Do I look like the maid?

Veronica, your mom is hilarious.

I forbid you to go anywhere with that girl.

Mom-- Well, she has no respect

for anything. I know what she is.

What they all are, but they will get me safely

through high school.

I'm not going to change, I promise.

So, can I go?

Go. Thanks.

What the hell goes on at that school?

[giggles] I do not wanna know.

[upbeat music playing]

♪ So step into my candy store! ♪

♪ It's my candy store It's my candy ♪

♪ It's my candy store It's my candy ♪

♪ It's my candy store ♪

♪ It's my candy store! ♪

[cheering and applauding]

[bell jingles]

[car horn honking]

[Heather C] Veronica!

Don't forget to buy corn nuts!

It's not a party without corn nuts!

Yes, Heather, plain or BQ?

[Heather C] BQ!

[crowd laughs]

Greetings and salutations.

You want a Slurpee with that?

No.

But if you're nice, I'll let you buy me a Big Gulp.

That's like going to Micky D's to order a salad.

Slurpee's the signature dish of the house.

Now, did you say cherry or lime?

No, I said Big Gulp.

I'm Veronica, by the way.

Veronica Sawyer.

You ever gonna tell me your name?

I'll end the suspense.

Jason Dean, JD for short.

So, JD.

That thing you pulled at the caf' was pretty severe.

The extreme always seems to make an impression.

What brings a Baudelaire-quoting badass like you

to Sherwood, Ohio?

My dad's work.

He owns a deconstruction company.

Deconstruction?

Yup, the old man seems to enjoy tearing things down.

You seen the commercial?

"I'm Big Bud Dean.

If it's in the way, I'll make your day."

Yeah, then he pushes the plunger and the screen blows up.

[giggles]

Oh, that's your dad? [crowd laughs]

In all his toxic glory.

Well, everybody's lives got static.

[car horn honking]

[Heather C] Veronica!

Example, I don't really like my friends.

I don't like your friends either.

Hey, bag the party, hang here.

At the 7-Eleven?

Swanky first date.

Hey! I love this place.

No offense, but why?

♪ I've been through Ten high schools ♪

♪ They start to get blurry ♪

♪ No point in planting roots 'Cause you're gone in a hurry ♪

♪ My dad keeps two suitcases Packed in the den ♪

♪ So it's only a matter Of when ♪

♪ I don't learn the names Don't bother with faces ♪

♪ All I can trust Is this concrete oasis ♪

♪ Seems every time I'm about to despair ♪

♪ There's a 7-Eleven Right there ♪

♪ Each store is the same From Las Vegas to Boston ♪

♪ Linoleum aisles that I love To get lost in ♪

♪ I pray at my altar of slush ♪

♪ Yeah, I live For that sweet frozen rush ♪

[slurping noise]

[grunts]

♪ Freeze your brain ♪

♪ Suck on that straw Get lost in the pain ♪

♪ Happiness comes When everything numbs ♪

♪ Who needs cocaine? ♪

♪ Freeze your brain ♪

♪ Freeze your brain ♪

Care for a hit?

Does your mommy know you eat all that crap?

Not anymore.

♪ When mom was alive We lived halfway normal ♪

♪ But now it's just me And my dad, we're less formal ♪

♪ I learned to cook pasta I learned to pay rent ♪

♪ Learned the world Doesn't owe you a cent ♪

♪ You're planning your future Veronica Sawyer ♪

♪ You'll go to some college And marry a lawyer ♪

♪ But the sky's gonna hurt When it falls ♪

♪ So you better start Building some walls ♪

♪ Freeze your brain ♪

♪ Swim in the ice Get lost in the pain ♪

♪ Shut your eyes tight Till you vanish from sight ♪

♪ Let nothing remain ♪

♪ Freeze your brain ♪

♪ Shatter your skull Fight pain with more pain ♪

♪ Forget who you are Unburden your load ♪

♪ Forget in six weeks You'll be back on the road ♪

♪ When the voice in your head Says you're better off dead♪

♪ Don't open a vein! ♪

♪ Just freeze your brain ♪

♪ Freeze your brain ♪

♪ Go on and freeze your brain ♪

Try it.

[cheering and applauding]

[slurping noises]

[crowd laughs]

I really don't see what the big deal--

son of a bitch? [bells jingle]

Veronica!

Uh, I have to go.

So I see. Corn nuts?

Uh, sorry, Heather.

Don't you have a Marcy concert to get to?

Come on, Veronica!

[JD humming]

[grunting]

Okay, Ram. Have fun tonight,

but I expect you to act your age.

The Hendersons' have the phone number for the cabin.

If they call to complain, I'm going to drive back here

and knock the sand out of your diaper.

Dude, what am I, five?

I'm your dad, not your dude.

That goes double for you, Kurt.

You're a guest in Bill's house

and you will treat it with respect.

Sure thing...

dude! [both laugh]

[Ram] All right, Kurt.

Hold his arms. Okay. Come here you.

No! No, no, no! Come here.

Not me! Now, who's a great big sissy?

Who's going to prom in a bright pink dress?

Me! Me! I'm a sissy. Who's a sissy?

I am a big fat sissy!

Darn right!

Enjoy your party, son!

Punch it in! [grunts] Boo!

[girly screams]

[both laugh]

[Mr. Dean] Oh, boy! Oh!

Man, that sucked!

Who cares?

The parents are gone and I got my party slippers on!

[both] All right!

[all vocalizing]

♪ Dad said, "Act your age" ♪

♪ You heard the man It's time to rage! ♪

[all] ♪ Blast the bass Turn down the light ♪

♪ Ain't nobody home tonight! ♪

[Ram] ♪ Drink, smoke, it's all cool ♪

♪ Let's get naked in my pool! ♪

[all] ♪ Punch the wall And start a fight! ♪

♪ Ain't nobody home tonight! ♪

♪ His folks got a waterbed ♪

♪ Come upstairs And rest your head ♪

♪ Let's rub each other's backs ♪

♪ While watching porn On Cinemax! ♪

[all] ♪ The folks are gone It's time for big fun! ♪

♪ Big fun! We're up till dawn ♪

♪ Having some big fun! Big fun! ♪

♪ When mom and dad forget To lock the liquor cabinet ♪

♪ It's big fun, big fun! Big fun! ♪

♪ Whoa! ♪

So it's salt,

then shot, then lime.

Very important to get the order right.

Ah, you're a natural, just like my mom.

[crowd laughs] Veronica,

looking good tonight. Whoa.

♪ A hot guy smiled at me ♪

♪ Without a trace of mockery! ♪

[all] ♪ Brainiac Please up all night ♪

♪ Veronica is home tonight! ♪

♪ Freaked, tweaked Head's a blur ♪

♪ How did I get so popular? ♪

[all] ♪ Don't get close You might ignite ♪

♪ Veronica is home tonight! ♪

♪ Dreams are coming true ♪

♪ When people laugh But not at you! ♪

♪ I'm not alone! I'm not afraid! ♪

♪ I feel like Bono At Live Aid! ♪

[all] ♪ Ah! ♪

♪ The house is ours ♪

♪ It's time for big fun! Big fun! ♪

♪ Let's use their showers That sounds like big fun! ♪

♪ Big fun! Crack open one more case! ♪

♪ I think that's what they call Third base ♪

[all] ♪ Big fun! Big fun! Big fun! ♪

♪ I'm actually having big fun! ♪

[all] ♪ Big fun! Big fun! Big fun! Whoa! ♪

Yo, Rottweilers!

What is Westerberg gonna do to the Razorbacks at Sunday's game?

♪ Gonna make you go whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! ♪

[all] ♪ Ah! The party is Hot, hot, hot! ♪

♪ It's time for big fun! Big fun! ♪

You need another shot.

[all] ♪ We're having big fun! ♪ Whoa!

♪ [all] Big fun! ♪

♪ Martha Dumptruck In the flesh ♪

♪ Here comes the Cootie Squad We should-- ♪

♪ Shut up, Heather! ♪ ♪ Sorry, Heather ♪

♪ Look who's with her Oh, my God! ♪

♪ Dang! Dang! Diggety-dang-a-dang! ♪

♪ Dang-dang! Diggety-dang-a-dang! ♪

I can't believe you actually came.

It's exciting, right?

Excuse me, I want to say hello to Ram.

I brought sparkling cider.

♪ Showing up here Took some guts ♪

♪ Time to rip them out ♪

♪ Well, who's this pig Remind you of? ♪

♪ Especially the snout ♪ Hah!

♪ Dang, dang! Diggety-dang-a-dang! ♪

♪ Dang, dang! Diggety-dang-a-dang! ♪

Hi, Ram. I wasn't gonna come,

but since you took the trouble to write that sweet note.

What note?

Why do you gotta be so weird all the time?

People wouldn't hate you so much if you just acted normal.

There's no alcohol in this!

Were you trying to poison me?

[all] ♪ Dang, dang! Diggety-dang-a-dang! ♪

♪ Dang, dang Diggety-dang-a-dang ♪

♪ Dang, dang Diggety-dang-a-dang ♪

♪ Diggety-dang-a-dang ♪

♪ The folks are gone It's time for big fun ♪

♪ Big fun ♪

♪ We're up till dawn Having some big fun ♪

♪ Big fun ♪

♪ So let the speakers blow They'll buy another stereo ♪

♪ Our folks got no clue ♪

♪ 'Bout half the shit Their Children do ♪

♪ Why are they surprised Whenever we're unsupervised? ♪

♪ It's big fun ♪ ♪ Big fun ♪

♪ Big fun ♪ ♪ Big fun ♪

♪ Big fun ♪

Whoa!

[cheers and applause]

Okay, Westerburgers.

It's time to celebrate our upcoming victory

over the Razorbacks by whacking apart their mascot.

[all cheering] All right!

We need a volunteer to take the first swing at the piñata.

[crowd chatters]

Martha Dunnstock.

I think you should do the honors.

I don't really know this game.

Well, let's show this girl some Westerburg spirit!

Wohoo! [all cheering]

Martha!

[all] Martha! Martha! Martha! Martha! Martha! Martha! Martha!

Martha! Martha! Martha! Martha!

Bring out the piñata!

Whoa! [bell rings]

[all cheering] What's your damage, Heather?

Give it to me.

[indistinct] gotta get them all.

You want it, swim for it.

[suspenseful music playing]

What's going on? Go home. I'll explain later.

But-- Go.

Well, we gave it a shot, huh?

I'm resigning my commission from the lip gloss Gestapo.

I'm going back to civilian life.

No! Don't spin me!

I'm not feeling well! You don't get to be a nobody!

Come Monday, you're an ex-somebody!

Not even the losers will touch you now!

Transfer to Washington, transfer to Jefferson.

No one at Westerburg's gonna let you play

their reindeer games!

[pukes] [screams]

[crowd laughs]

I raised you up from nothing!

And what's my thanks?

I get paid in puke!

Lick it up, baby.

Lick... it... up.

[cheering and applauding]

I know who I'm eating lunch with on Monday.

Do you?

Okay, party people!

Where's the goddamn keg?

[cheering]

[upbeat music playing]

[dramatic music playing]

♪ The demon queen Of high school has decreed it ♪

♪ She says Monday, 8:00 a.m. I'll be deleted ♪

♪ They'll hunt me down In study hall ♪

♪ Stuff and mount me On the wall, 30 hours to live ♪

♪ How shall I spend them? ♪

♪ I don't have to stay And die like cattle ♪

♪ I could change my name And ride up to Seattle ♪

♪ But I don't own a motorbike ♪

Wait.

♪ Here's an option that I like ♪

♪ Spend these 30 hours ♪

♪ Gettin' freaky ♪

♪ Yeah, I need it hard ♪

♪ I'm a dead girl walkin' ♪

♪ I'm in your yard I'm a dead girl walkin' ♪

♪ Before they punch my clock ♪

♪ I'm snappin' off Your window lock ♪

♪ Got no time to knock ♪

♪ I'm a dead girl walking ♪

Veronica? What are you doing in my room?

Shh.

♪ I had to see you I hope I didn't wake you ♪

♪ See, I decided I must ride you ♪

♪ Till I break you ♪

♪ 'Cause Heather says I got to go ♪

♪ You're my last meal On death row ♪

♪ Shut your mouth ♪

♪ And lose them tighty-whities ♪

♪ Come on! ♪

♪ Tonight I'm yours! ♪

♪ I'm your dead girl walkin' ♪

♪ Get on all fours Kiss this dead girl walkin' ♪

♪ Let's go, you know the drill ♪

♪ I'm hot and pissed And on the pill ♪

♪ Bow down to the will Of a dead girl walking ♪

♪ And you know You know, you know ♪

♪ It's 'cause you're beautiful ♪

♪ You say you're numb inside But I can't agree ♪

♪ So the world's unfair ♪

♪ Keep it locked out there ♪

♪ In here it's beautiful ♪

♪ Let's make this beautiful ♪

That works for me.

[cheering and applauding]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Full steam ahead ♪

♪ Take this dead girl walkin' ♪

How'd you find my address? ♪ Let's break the bed ♪

♪ Rock this dead girl walkin' ♪

♪ I think you tore My mattress ♪

♪ No sleep tonight for you ♪

♪ Better chug That Mountain Dew ♪

♪ Okay, okay! ♪ ♪ Get your ass in gear ♪

♪ Make this whole town Disappear ♪

♪ Okay, okay ♪ ♪ Slap me, pull my hair ♪

♪ Touch me there And there and there ♪

♪ And no more talkin' ♪

♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Love this dead girl walkin' ♪

♪ Oh, oh, hey, hey, yeah, yeah, Love this dead girl ♪

♪ Oh, hey, hey, wait, wait ♪ ♪ Love this dead girl ♪

♪ Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! ♪

Ow! ♪ Yeah! ♪

[cheers and applause]

Hello, slut!

How did you get in here?

I'm like oxygen.

I'm everywhere.

I mean, seriously, Veronica?

You slept with that?

I will crucify you on Monday.

Everyone's gonna know the good, little Veronica Sawyer

is nothing but a dirty whore!

Why are you so determined to hurt me?

[laughing]

Because I can!

It'll be so very!

[all] ♪ Very, very, very ♪

♪ Very, very, very, very, very ♪

[Veronica screams]

Are you okay? You're soaking wet.

It was just a dream.

What's the rush?

I have to get to Heather's house.

Why? You said you were done with Heather?

[Veronica] Yeah. Well, that was a sweet fantasy,

a world without Heather.

A world where everybody's free.

Now, it's morning and I got to go kiss her aerobicized ass.

Oh, yeah?

Well, why don't you let me come with?

Really? Yeah.

You know... for back up.

[chuckles]

Okay, then.

By the way...

you were my first.

[dramatic music playing]

Heather?!

Maybe she's not here. Trust me.

She skips the Sunday morning trip to grandma's

even when she's not hangover.

Heather?!

Heather?!

What?!

It's Veronica!

I'm here to apologize!

Hope you brought kneepads, bitch!

Fix me a Prairie Oyster and I'll think about it.

[eggshell cracks]

Don't forget the worcestershire.

Oh. You know your hangover cures.

My dad thought me all kinds of stuff.

[chuckles]

Hey.

Here's my revenge.

I'm going to drop a phlegm globber in her Prairie Oyster.

[chuckles] She'll never know.

[makes sound]

I'm more of a no-rust-buildup man myself.

Oh, don't be a dick. That stuff would kill her.

Thus, ending her hangover.

I say, we go with big blue.

Hey, what are you doing? You can't just...

Besides, she would never drink anything that looks like that.

Well, ceramic mug, dim light,

she won't know what she's drinking.

[Veronica] Forget it.

Oh...

chicken.

Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk.

You're not funny. Bawk.

All right. I'm sorry.

[Heather C] Prairie Oyster! Chop, chop!

[JD] Veronica, you, uh...

I what?

Good luck.

Good morning, Heather.

Ahh,

Veronica...

and Jesse James.

[speaks French] Quelle surprise.

Let's get to it.

Beg.

We both said things we didn't mean last night.

I actually prefer if you did this on your knees

in front of your boy toy.

Okay. Look, I am really sorry. Do I look like I'm kidding?

Down.

Nice.

But you're still dead to me.

[suspenseful music playing]

Corn...

nuts.

[speaks French] Quelle surprise... [in English] indeed.

Well, don't just stand there. Call 911!

[JD] A little late for that. Heather.

Heather. Heather. Oh.

Oh, my--oh, my God, I just killed my best friend!

Oh, and your worst enemy so... Same difference.

The police are gonna think I did this on purpose.

They're gonna have to send my SAT scores to San Quentin.

Unless, look, she was reading The Bell Jar.

-Oh, no. -Oh, yes.

You can fake her handwriting.

It will make her sound deep, like this...

♪ I had pain in my path Like Silvia Plath ♪

♪ My problems were myriad ♪

♪ I was having my period ♪

[laughs]

Oh, my God. You know, this isn't funny.

You could go to jail. Get your head straight now.

Heather would never use the word myriad.

She missed it in her vocab quiz.

So, it's a badge for her failures at school.

Work with me.

Okay. Okay. What would she say?

What is her final statement to a cold, uncaring planet?

♪ Dear World Believe it or not ♪

♪ I knew about fear ♪

♪ I knew the way Loneliness stung ♪

♪ I hid behind smiles And crazy hot clothes ♪

♪ I learned to kiss boys With my tongue ♪

That's good.

♪ But, oh ♪

♪ The world, it held me down♪

♪ It weighed like a concrete Prom queen crown ♪

♪ No one thinks A pretty girl has feelings ♪

♪ No one gets her insecurity ♪

♪ I am more than shoulder pads And makeup ♪

♪ No one sees ♪

♪ The me inside of me ♪

Jesus, you're making me sound like Air Supply.

Hey, keep going.

This has to be good enough to fool the cops.

Is it murder?

No, look. There's a suicide note.

[all] ♪ They couldn't see past ♪

♪ My rock star mystique ♪

♪ They wouldn't dare Look in my eyes ♪

♪ But just underneath Was a terrified girl ♪

♪ Who clings to her pillow And cries ♪

♪ My looks were just like Prison bars ♪

♪ They've left me A myriad of scars ♪

Myriad. Nice.

[all] ♪ No one thinks A pretty girl has substance ♪

♪ That's the curse Of popularity ♪

[backup singers] ♪ Popularity ♪

♪ I am more than just A source of hand jobs ♪

[all] ♪ No one sees The me inside of me ♪

[Coach Ripper] Yeah, I'm telling you,

Principal Gowan.

Heather Chandler is not your everyday suicide.

You should cancel classes. No way, Coach.

I send the kids home before lunch

and the switchboard will light up like a Christmas tree.

Our children are dying.

What the school needs is a good old-fashion rap session.

I suggest we get everyone into the cafeteria

and just talk and feel together.

Thank you, Ms. Fleming.

Call me when the shuttle lands.

[laughter]

Go ahead, laugh at the hippie.

But we all misjudged Heather Chandler.

Myself included.

I mean, have you read this suicide note,

really read it?

♪ Box up my clothing For Goodwill ♪

♪ Let's give the poor A helping hand ♪

♪ Donate my necklaces And rings ♪

♪ To starving children Needing set ♪

♪ Send them my hats and my CDs ♪

♪ My pumps My flats, my three TVs! ♪

[all] ♪ No one thinks A pretty girl has feelings ♪

♪ But I weep for all ♪

♪ I failed to be I failed to be ♪

♪ Maybe I can help the world By leaving ♪

♪ Maybe that's the me ♪

♪ Inside of me ♪

Ugh, hell.

Long weekend for everybody!

[cheering] Not too fast, kids.

While they're refueling the buses,

which gives us a solid half hour of healing.

I want you all to study this suicide note,

so you can really feel Heather's anguish.

♪ Her world seem Like a perfect place ♪

[Ms. Fleming] Go on. ♪ But friends and toys ♪

♪ Had no effects ♪ [Ms. Fleming] Feel!

♪ That's why she punched me In the face ♪

[Ms. Fleming] Heal! [all] ♪ Because she was

♪ Desperate to connect ♪

[Veronica] [makes sound]

Veronica, something on your mind?

I'm sorry. It's just this classroom discussion

is stirring up emotions I haven't felt

since hands across America.

My God.

♪ Look what we've done We're breaking through ♪

♪ Heather would be So proud of you! ♪

[All] ♪ And you! And you! And you! And you! ♪

♪ No one thinks A pretty girl can touch you ♪

Heather touching me... Heather touching me...

[All] ♪ But she's made us Better than we were ♪

♪ Heather's dead ♪

♪ But she will live inside me ♪

♪ And I'll be the me Inside of her ♪

Holy crap!

This is awesome!

[All] ♪ Heather cried, our sins Fell on her shoulders! ♪

Jesus Christ! [All] ♪ Heather died ♪

♪ So we could all be free! ♪

I'm bigger than John Lennon!

[All] ♪ Heather's gone But she will live forever! ♪

♪ She's the dove That sings outside my window ♪

♪ She's the twin From whom I'm separated ♪

♪ She's the horse I never got for Christmas ♪

[All] ♪ Heather sees the me ♪

♪ Inside of me ♪

♪ Heather is the me ♪

♪ Inside of me ♪

♪ Inside of... ♪

♪ Me! ♪

[cheers and applause]

As anyone who saw the Breakfast Club can tell you,

all teenagers are essentially the same.

Heather was not alone in feeling alone.

We have to identify the other ticking bombs out there.

Identify and...

heal them.

But I gave Heather a C-minus last week.

And now, I lie awake at night wondering...

God, turn it off.

...if not, was what pushed her over the edge?

[Veronica] Ugh, what crap.

Shows like this make suicide look cool.

Hey, kids, make your teacher cry,

get the respect you didn't get in life.

It's gross.

Do you think Heather's mother keeps everything

in her room the same, like, she's alive.

Well, rugs gonna need to get cleaning.

[laughter]

Why?

Well, I feel bad.

Heather was a human-being and we killed her.

You feel bad, too, right?

Of course.

Hey, you wanna get some ice cream? Let's go hit Dairy Queen.

What's wrong? [Mr. Dean] Jason!

We need to leave now. What is going on?

[Mr. Dean] Jason, are you here?!

That's my dad. Oh, cool, I wanna meet him.

Not a good idea. [Mr. Dean] Jason, come on.

It's show time. Oh, Mr. Dean, hello.

Veronica, this is my dad, Big Bud Dean--

Get rid of her. Some friends of ours need a hotel broke down.

Now, run over to Sears,

get 80 pounds of fertilizer

and some diesel fuel.

Uh, use the Nevada ID.

I'm going for ice cream, with my girlfriend.

[scoffs]

You know how I blew up one of these shit box suburban houses?

Packed the top floor with thermals,

set it all off with a Norwegian in the boiler room.

Where is your house, sweetheart?

Right.

Well, I should go.

My mom is cooking dinner.

Spaghetti with lots of oregano.

Nice.

Last time I saw my mom, she was waving at me

out the window of a library in Texas.

Right, dad?

Right, son.

Okay. Well, see you tomorrow.

Dear, Diary.

JD's dad will not be speaking at our wedding.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Veronica? It's Heather Mc.

I need help. I'm out at Layman's Farm.

What's wrong?

Just hurry, please. It's an emergency.

Is she coming?

She said she was, but I kind of feel bad

for dragging her all the way out here.

Nobody cares about your feelings.

Oh, this mud is gonna ruin my shoes.

Hmm, I'm not sure it's mud.

Shit! Exactly.

[Veronica] What are you two doing in the middle

of a cow pasture?

We're stranded.

We were headed to the cemetery to pour

a jug of Thunderbird on Heather's grave.

You know, from her homies.

But Kurt and Ram saw cows and stopped the car.

Why? There's nothing out here, but cows.

[Kurt] Get ready to push! Put your back into it!

[Ram] At the count of three! What are they doing?

Cow tipping.

One, two, three. One, two, three.

[cow mooing]

[cow thuds]

So immature.

Come on. I'll drive you guys home.

Oh, that's not why we called you. [chuckles]

We made a deal with the guys.

A deal?

What kind of a deal?

If we got you to show up here,

Kurt promised to give us his keys,

so Heather and I could go home.

Show up for...

what exactly?

Come on.

I've seen you looking at Kurt.

[chuckles] What?

You think he's cute, right? No.

And Ram also very cute? No.

[Kurt] The cows are down for the cows.

[Ram] And the chicks are up for grabs.

-[Kurt] Yow! -Veronica's here,

so we're leaving. Car keys now.

[Kurt] All right. [Heather Mc] Have fun.

Don't do anything we wouldn't do.

[Ram] Bye.

[Kurt] Oh, look, more keys. No, no, no, no, no. Come on.

Give me my keys. No. Stop screwing around.

I have to get home. You can't just leave.

Not when you're dressed like that.

Dressed like what? This is what I always wear.

I know. And it's torture.

How do you expect us to control ourselves when you look so hot?

♪ Dear Diary Here we are in the dark ♪

♪ Fifty yards from my car I could climb that tree ♪

♪ I never get that far ♪

♪ They're a hundred pounds Heavier ♪

♪ They have my keys I'm a rat in a trap ♪

♪ Correction, I'm the cheese ♪

♪ Hey there, girl Ignore this fool ♪

♪ He tries to play cool While he's dribbling drool ♪

♪ Just trying to say In our friendly way ♪

♪ That you've gotten hotter Like every day ♪

Ha! ♪ Hey there, girl ♪

♪ Avoid this punk ♪

♪ He's hungry for a hunk Of the junk in your trunk ♪

♪ There is no lie That dog won't try ♪

♪ When a tasty treat Like you walks by ♪

[both] ♪ 'Cause once You were geeky and nerdy ♪

♪ Now, you're flirty Freaky, and dirty ♪

♪ You were nothing and nobody ♪

[both] ♪ But now you're good Enough to get with me ♪

♪ Huh, you're welcome ♪

♪ Look where you are ♪

♪ You're welcome You've won the football star ♪

♪ You're welcome ♪

♪ Baby, what's that smell? ♪

♪ That's the smell of me Loving you well ♪

[both] ♪ You're welcome ♪

[mimics beatboxing]

♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ This is not a drill ♪

♪ This is not a bad dream ♪

♪ In a cow pasture No one can hear you scream ♪

♪ Never break their stare ♪

♪ Stay awake, stay aware ♪

♪ You're not in real danger 'Till they grab your hair ♪

♪ Come back, girl ♪

♪ Now, don't play hurt ♪

♪ If you don't want me staring Why you're wearing that skirt? ♪

♪ We can't be tamed And we can't be blamed ♪

♪ It's all your fault That we're inflamed ♪

[both] ♪ Because once You were grody and grotty ♪

♪ Now, you got a body Like a Maserati ♪

[both] ♪ Stroke my fur Make me purr ♪

♪ Hey, you wanted To be popular! ♪

Hit me! Huh.

[both] ♪ You're welcome Look where you are ♪

♪ You're welcome ♪

♪ Come get your football star ♪

♪ You're welcome Come and join the pros ♪

♪ Because once we squeeze you You'll stay squoze ♪

♪ You're welcome in my lap Welcome on my knee ♪

♪ Well, come on and get grabby In the grass with me ♪

♪ I got one last chance To save my ass ♪

♪ What was that move From my self-defense class? ♪

♪ I'll steal your heart Like a thief ♪

♪ Bring you sweet relief ♪

[both] ♪ Call me Wendy 'Cause you'll never wonder ♪

♪ "Where is the beef?" ♪

♪ They're a powder keg So don't yell or beg ♪

♪ Stay friendly, then gently Accidentally sweep the leg ♪

Whoa, what the hell? Dude, this mud stinks.

Oh, gross.

♪ You're welcome ♪

Back up fool, you reek.

♪ You're welcome ♪

Well, you smell like a sewage leak.

♪ You're welcome ♪ ♪ Wait, dude ♪

♪ I'm pretty sure This ain't mud! ♪

♪ It's cow manure! ♪ ♪ It's cow manure! ♪

[Veronica] ♪ You're welcome ♪ [both] No, it's everywhere.

[Veronica] ♪ You're welcome ♪

Oh, God, it's in my head. Oh, God, it's in my head.

♪ You're welcome ♪ [both] ♪ Hey, girl ♪

♪ Now, let's not dwell I'mma smell ♪

[both] ♪ You can tell I can still be loving you well ♪

Swell! ♪ No, I'll be loving you well ♪

See you in hell! ♪ No, I'll be loving you well ♪

♪ No, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be I'll be loving ♪

♪ Loving, loving, loving Loving you well ♪

[all] ♪ You're welcome You're welcome ♪

♪ You're welcome ♪

[cheers and applause]

[jazz music playing]

Dear Diary,

that was a close call.

My so-called friends avoided date rape

by volunteering me for date rape.

That sort of assholery never happened when I was in charge.

Oh... you.

I kept Ram and Kurt on a tight leash.

Look, I'm sorry you're dead now, but let's not rewrite history.

You were a thug.

Maybe.

But I made the trains run on time,

everyone knew their place,

the year book got done properly,

the prom was consistently awesome,

and the spirit float always won a goddamn blue ribbon.

Once you've scarfed down a hot ball of chaos,

you'll look back on my regime as look at old days.

What are those two pillowcases doing?

[Veronica] It looks like they're clearing out your locker.

Hey, that's Heather's scrunchie.

Heather Chandler is gone.

It's up to me to take her place.

[laughs]

Is that a joke?

It is most definitely a joke.

Why would you say that, Heather?

[Heather C] See? Chaos.

Heather was our friend.

We can't just swap her out like a light bulb.

It's because I'm not a cheerleader like you, isn't it?

You think you're better than me.

What?

No. [laughs]

Shut up, Heather.

No, Heather! You shut up!

[upbeat music playing]

♪ I have a new favorite color ♪

♪ Heather choked Bought the farm ♪

♪ She could not hack it ♪

♪ Now, we need a strong arm To run this racket ♪

♪ Heather's out Who will rise? ♪

♪ Gotta fill that vacuum ♪

♪ It's my turn, it's my prize ♪

♪ I spit lightning Crack, boom! ♪

♪ I bit my tongue so long ♪

♪ I learned to count to ten ♪

♪ My silence may be strong ♪

♪ I did my time and then ♪

♪ A house dropped on her head ♪

[all] ♪ The witch is dead Ding dong! ♪

♪ Move, bitch, it's my song ♪

[all] ♪ I will never Shut up again ♪

♪ I will never shut up again ♪

♪ Brand new day Watching dreams come true ♪

♪ Well for me, not you ♪

[all] ♪ 'Cause I'll never Shut up again ♪

♪ Girls like me Don't climb high ♪

♪ Can't crack that ceiling ♪

♪ But now I scrape the sky It's you who's kneeling ♪

♪ Heather's pet You're old news ♪

♪ Look at you, you're busted ♪

♪ You think You'll fill her shoes ♪

♪ Too late, I just did ♪

[all] ♪ Now, I don't need To brag ♪

♪ Once I was one of you ♪

♪ But now I am the flag ♪

♪ You pledge allegiance to ♪

♪ I am the dream you chase ♪

♪ I'm your amazing grace ♪

♪ Yo, party's at my place ♪

[all] ♪ I will never Shut up again ♪

♪ I will never shut up again ♪

♪ Brand new day Now we're finally free ♪

♪ Free to worship me ♪

[all] ♪ 'Cause I'll never shut up-- ♪

♪ Shut up, don't judge me Little Ms. Innocence ♪

♪ Your hands ain't clean I see your fingerprints ♪

♪ You act so uptight So virgin white ♪

♪ But I heard from the boys ♪

♪ What you are up To last night ♪

♪ Veronica is my wet dream ♪

♪ Veronica likes to scream ♪

♪ Veronica took one For the team ♪

♪ She took two for the team ♪

What?! ♪ That girl was on her back ♪

♪ That girl was big fun ♪

[all] ♪ Big fun ♪

[both] ♪ We smoked her crack♪

♪ That crack was big fun ♪ [all] ♪ Big fun ♪

♪ And that's when things Went South ♪

♪ We had a swordfight In her mouth ♪

[all] ♪ Whoa! Dang diggity Dang-a-dang freak! ♪

♪ Dang diggity dang-a-dang Slut! ♪

♪ Dang diggity dang-a-dang Swordfight in her mouth, ha! ♪

♪ I will never shut up again ♪

♪ Swordfight in her mouth ♪ ♪ I will never shut up again! ♪

♪ Swordfight in her mouth ♪

♪ I'm on fire And you're my fuel ♪

♪ You should find a new school ♪

[all ] ♪ 'Cause I'll never Shut up again ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, oh, oh ♪

[all] ♪ Never shut up again ♪ ♪ No, no, no, no! ♪

♪ Never shut up again ♪ ♪ No, no, no, no, no ♪

♪ All hail the queen I'll wear the red ♪

♪ The scrunchie's on my head ♪

♪ You can't run You can't hide ♪

♪ I am a crimson tide ♪

♪ You better mind what you do ♪

♪ Big sister's watching you ♪

♪ Can I get an amen? ♪

♪ Because I will never Shut up again ♪

[all] Hah! [cheers and applause]

[indistinct chattering]

[JD] Veronica? What's wrong?

What happened?

Oh, she cried just like that last night,

when she saw how big I was.

[indistinct chattering]

[whistle blowing]

Back to class! All of you, back to class!

Are you okay?

[groans] Sort of.

What about you?

No, I'm fine.

Listen...

sorry about the waterworks.

♪ They made you cry ♪

♪ But that will end tonight ♪

♪ You are the only thing ♪

♪ That's right About this broken world ♪

♪ Go on and cry ♪

♪ But when the morning comes ♪

♪ We'll burn it down ♪

♪ And then, we'll build The world again ♪

♪ Our love is God ♪

Are you okay?

♪ I was alone ♪

♪ I was a frozen lake ♪

♪ But then you melted me awake ♪

♪ See, now I'm crying, too ♪

♪ You're not alone ♪

♪ You're not alone ♪

♪ And when the morning comes ♪

♪ When the morning comes ♪

♪ We'll burn away that tear ♪

♪ And raise our city here ♪

♪ Raise our city here ♪

♪ Our love is God ♪

[phone ringing]

Hello!

Kurt?

Veronica?

I'm sorry about the other night.

I just couldn't decide which of you two hot gentleman

I wanted to be with.

And then, I realized why decide at all?

Wait, what?

Meet me at the cemetery at midnight.

Who?

Me or Ram?

Yes.

What does she want?

Us.

Hell, yeah, punch it in.

♪ We can start and finish wars ♪

♪ We're what killed The dinosaurs ♪

♪ We're the asteroid That's overdue ♪

♪ The dinosaurs choked On the dust ♪

♪ They died Because God said they must ♪

♪ The new world needed room For me and you ♪

♪ I worship you ♪

♪ I'd trade my life for yours ♪

♪ They all will disappear ♪

♪ We'll plant our garden here ♪

♪ Plant our garden here ♪

♪ Our love is God ♪

♪ Our love is God ♪

♪ Our love is God ♪

♪ Our love is God ♪

Whoa!

Are those real?

Yeah, but we're filling it with Ich Lüge bullets.

Ich Lüge?

My granddad scored them in World War II.

They contain a powerful tranquilizer.

The Nazis used them to fake their own suicides

when the Russians invaded Berlin.

We'll use them to knock out Ram and Kurt

long enough to make it look like a suicide pact

complete with a forged suicide note.

[both] "Ram and I died

because we had to hide our gay forbidden love

from a disapproving world."

[cheers and applause]

[JD] ♪ And when the morning comes ♪

♪ They'll both be Laughing stocks ♪

[both] ♪ So, let's go hunt Some jocks! ♪

[dramatic music playing]

Hi, Veronica.

So, do we just like whip it out or what?

Take it slow, Ram.

Strip for me.

Oh, okay. Okay.

[audience wooing]

[indistinct chatter]

[Kurt] I got it. [audience laughs]

You know, I like the tie.

Put the tie on. Okay.

[audience laughing]

My mom bought it for me.

[audience laughing]

What about you?

Oh, I was hoping you'd rip my clothes off me, sport.

[gasps] Okay.

[audience wooing]

[both] Dude! Matching. Woo-hoo!

Nice.

Count of three.

One, two...

Three! [gunshots]

[Kurt] Holy crap!

[JD] Don't move. I'll get him back!

Ram? You're just unconscious, right, Ram?

Ram.

[Kurt] Look. Look, I was only joking

about calling your girlfriend a whore!

Get off the damn fence!

I don't understand!

♪ We can start and finish wars ♪

♪ We're what killed The dinosaurs ♪

♪ We're the asteroid That's overdue ♪

Stop being a dick!

♪ The dinosaurs will turn To dust ♪

What does that mean?

♪ They'll die because We say they must ♪

[gunshot]

No, no, no. Wait.

What the fuck have you done?

♪ I worship you ♪

♪ I'd trade my life for yours ♪

♪ We'll make them disappear ♪

♪ We'll plant our garden here ♪

♪ Our love is God ♪

♪ Our love is God ♪

♪ Our love is God ♪

♪ Our love is God ♪

♪ Our love is God ♪

♪ Our love is God! ♪ ♪ Our love is God ♪

♪ Our love is God! ♪

♪ Our love is God! ♪

[cheers and applause]

[indistinct chatter]

[dramatic music playing]

[cheers and applause]

[dramatic music playing]

♪ Dear Diary ♪

♪ I'm going steady ♪

♪ Mostly he's awesome ♪

♪ If a bit too rock and roll ♪

♪ Lately he's bumped off Three of my classmates ♪

♪ God have mercy on my soul ♪

♪ They were just 17 ♪

♪ They still had room to grow ♪

♪ They could've Turned out good ♪

♪ But now we'll never know ♪

[JD] There's been a distinct lack of girls

climbing through my bedroom window lately.

Take the hint.

Okay. You're mad, I get it.

No, I don't think you do.

Ich Lüge bullets? You lied to me.

Come on. You lied to yourself. You wanted them dead, too.

I did not. Did too.

Did not. Did too.

Did not. Did they make you cry?

Yes.

Can they make you cry now?

No, but you can.

Just wait 'till you see the good that comes of this.

What good could possibly come of this?

Call me an optimist.

[audience laughing]

[dramatic music playing]

Dear Diary,

my teenage angst bullshit has a body count.

[audience laughing]

I don't really know what I'm supposed to say up here.

I'm ashamed, certainly.

My family has turned our town into a laughing stock.

My boy Kurt wasn't who I thought he was.

When I think of the sick,

disgusting things Kurt and Ram were doing--

You wait just a minute, Paul!

It is ignorant, hateful talk like yours

that makes this world a place our boys could not live in!

♪ They were not dirty ♪

♪ They were not wrong! ♪

♪ They were two lonely verses ♪

♪ In the Lord's great song ♪

Our boys were pansies, Bill!

Yes! [audience laughing]

♪ My boy's a homosexual ♪

♪ And that don't scare me none ♪

♪ I want the world to know ♪

♪ I love my dead gay son! ♪

[cheers and applause] ♪ Now, I've been thinking ♪

♪ And praying And reading some magazines ♪

♪ And it's time We open our eyes ♪

♪ Well, the good Lord Made gay penguins ♪

♪ And the noble chimpanzees ♪

♪ I've seen gay lions show Their pride in documentaries ♪

♪ If nature gets her orders Handed down from God above ♪

♪ Then animal or human ♪

♪ You can't help On who you love ♪

[all] ♪ Love ♪

♪ They were not dirty! ♪

[choir] ♪ No, oh ♪

♪ They were not fruits! ♪ [all] ♪ Whoa, oh! ♪

♪ They were just two stray laces In the Lord's big boots ♪

♪ Well, I never cared for homos Much until I reared me one ♪

[all] ♪ But now I've learned to love ♪

♪ I love my dead gay son! ♪

[all] ♪ He loves his son He loves his son ♪

♪ His dead gay son! ♪

♪ Now, I say My boy's in heaven ♪

♪ And he's tanning By the pool! ♪

♪ The cherubim walk with him And him ♪

♪ And Jesus says "It's cool!" ♪

♪ They don't have crime Or hatred ♪

♪ There's no bigotry Or cursing ♪

♪ Just friendly fellows Dressed up ♪

♪ Like their favorite Village person! ♪

♪ They were not dirty! ♪ [all] ♪ No, no! ♪

♪ They just had flair! ♪ [all] ♪ Whoa, oh! ♪

♪ They were two bright Red ribbons ♪

♪ In the Lord's long hair! ♪

♪ Now, I used to see a homo And go reaching for my gun ♪

[all] ♪ But now I've learned to love ♪

♪ And furthermore! ♪

♪ These boys walked Hand-in-hand ♪

♪ These boys They took a stand! ♪

♪ They could not wait One second longer to be free ♪

♪ They test out their disguise No shame, no compromise! ♪

♪ Paul, I can't believe that you still refuse to get a clue ♪

♪ After all that We've been through ♪

♪ I'm talking you and me! ♪

[all gasps]

[audience laughing]

In the summer of '83.

[all gasps]

[audience laughing]

That...

was one hell of a fishing trip.

[dramatic music playing]

[all] ♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Whoa, whoa, whoa! ♪

♪ They were not dirty, whoa! And not perverse no, no! ♪

♪ They were just Shiny rhinestones ♪

♪ On the Lord's big purse! ♪

[both] ♪ Our job is now continuing ♪

♪ The work that they began! ♪ Come here you.

[all] ♪ 'Cause now we love Love, love ♪

♪ We love your dead ♪

[both] ♪ They're up there Disco dancing ♪

♪ To the thump of angel wings ♪ [all] ♪ Yeah! ♪

[both] ♪ They grab a mate And roller skate ♪

♪ While Judy Garland sings! ♪ [all] ♪ Yeah! ♪

[both] ♪ They live A playful afterlife ♪

♪ That's fancy, free And reckless! ♪

♪ They swing up On the pearly gates ♪

[all] ♪ And wear a pearly necklace! ♪

Woo!

[both] ♪ They were not dirty! ♪ [all] ♪ No! ♪

♪ They were good men ♪ [all] ♪ Whoa! ♪

♪ And now They're happy bear cubs ♪

♪ In the Lord's big den! ♪

[audience wooing]

[both] ♪ Go forth And love each other now ♪

♪ Like our boys Would have done ♪

♪ We'll teach the world To love ♪

[all] ♪ The world to love ♪

♪ The world to love ♪

[both] ♪ I love my dead gay son! ♪

[all] ♪ Not half bad Your dead gay son! ♪

♪ Wish I had Your dead gay son! ♪

♪ Thank you, Dad For your dead gay son! ♪

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat music playing]

[audience laughing]

Woo.

Hmm. What is that I smell in the air?

[audience laughing]

Is that-- is that tolerance?

Inclusion?

Love?

How often can you say it's a good day

to live in Sherwood, Ohio?

You're welcome, town!

You don't have to be so smug about it.

Well, your love keeps me humble.

So...

who's next?

[audience laughing]

Heather Duke? What?

Well, she started that rumor about you.

We can underline some meaningful passages

in her copy of Moby Dick, if you know what I mean.

No!

[whimpering]

Three people are dead. This ends right here.

Or what? Or I'm breaking up with you.

Well, any war has casualties.

Doesn't mean it's not worth fighting.

What? You wanna get a free pass to the cannibals?

To the assholes who make this world so unbearable

you can't stand to go on living.

JD, I--

how did your mother die?

You really wanna know?

I do.

He says it was an accident.

But she knew what she was doing. I was nine.

My dad got hired to blow up this condemned library in Texas.

Norwegian in the boiler room, the usual.

This day,

this day my mom drives out to the demolition site

with me in the backseat.

She gets out of the car, and walks in to the building

two minutes before my dad blows it up.

She waves at me from the window,

and then...

kaboom.

She left me.

I am really sorry. It's okay.

It's okay.

The pain gives me clarity.

You know, you and I are special and we have a lot of work to do.

No. What work?

Making the world a decent place for people who are decent.

When does it end?

When every asshole is dead! No!

♪ Fine, we're damaged ♪

♪ Really damaged ♪

♪ But that does not Make us wise ♪

♪ We're not special We're not different ♪

♪ We don't choose Who lives or dies ♪

♪ Let's be normal ♪

♪ See bad movies ♪

♪ Sneak a beer and watch TV ♪

♪ We'll bake brownies Or go bowling ♪

♪ Don't you want A life with me? ♪

♪ Can't we be 17? ♪

♪ That's all I want to do ♪

♪ If you could let me in ♪

♪ I could be good with you ♪

♪ People will hurt us ♪

♪ Or they vanish ♪

♪ And you're right That really blows ♪

♪ But we let go ♪

♪ Take a deep breath ♪

♪ And go buy Some summer clothes ♪

♪ We'll go camping ♪

♪ Play some poker ♪

♪ And we'll eat Some chili fries ♪

♪ Maybe prom night? ♪

♪ Maybe dancing? ♪

♪ Don't stop looking In my eyes ♪

♪ Your eyes ♪

[both] ♪ Can't we be 17? ♪

♪ Is that so hard to do? ♪

♪ If you could let me in ♪

♪ I could be good with you ♪

♪ Let us be 17 ♪

♪ If we've still got the right ♪

♪ So, what's it gonna be? ♪

♪ I wanna be with you ♪

♪ I wanna be with you ♪ ♪ Wanna be with you ♪

[both] ♪ Tonight ♪

[cheers and applause]

♪ Yeah, we're damaged ♪

♪ Badly damaged ♪

[both] ♪ But your love's Too good to lose ♪

♪ Hold me tighter ♪

♪ Even closer ♪

♪ I'll stay If I'm what you choose ♪

♪ Can't we be 17? ♪

♪ If I am what you choose ♪

♪ If we've still got the right ♪

♪ 'Cause you're the one I choose ♪

♪ You're the one I choose ♪

[both] ♪ You're the one ♪

♪ I choose ♪

[cheers and applause]

And they lived happily ever after.

You really believe all that?

You think it all just goes back to normal?

Oh, don't give me that wounded look.

You know exactly what he is, and you love it!

Just stop talking.

Only a true dead best friend will give it to you straight.

Veronica, the special assembly starts in 10 minutes.

Why aren't you back stage?

I'm sorry.

We are saving lives here.

I wouldn't trust her to save coupons.

Come on, kids. Pedal to the metal.

Show a little hustle.

Where's the banner?

Denise!

Tell the news crews they can set up the cameras,

there, there, and there.

Okay. Let's review your hand choreography.

Precision is key.

I'm kinda looking forward to being on TV.

Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?

No, I had oatmeal.

Veronica, can I talk to you in private?

Something doesn't add up.

I think Ram and Kurt were murdered.

Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw!

[cheers and applause]

Nancy Drew is onto you, Veronica.

Why would you say that?

They found a suicide note! It could have been faked.

I mean, you forged stuff all the time, right?

I'm in love with this fat girl.

Who would wanna kill Ram and Kurt?

I'm thinking your friend, JD.

Remember the way he went after them in the lunchroom.

Right, right. That's like motive and shit.

Veronica's going to lady prison.

I wanna look in JD's locker.

I thought, maybe, you could get me the combination.

I bet there's all kinds of interesting things

in that locker.

Maybe some Ich Lüge bullets.

Martha, this is a pretty wild theory.

I don't care what they said at the funeral.

Ram was not gay.

Shut up, Kurt. He kissed me, remember?

On the kickball field. Yeah, in kindergarten.

Oh, gross, I remember that. Shut up, Kurt.

My heart knows the truth.

You should totally get up in that.

Shut up. Why would Ram write me

that note if he didn't still feel something.

She ain't afraid of no ghost. Oh.

Why would he invite me to his homecoming party?

You wanna stop her, you know what to say.

I'm gonna confront JD.

[laughs]

You floor me, Martha.

You really do.

What do you mean?

Ram didn't write that note,

I did.

No. Yeah.

The Heathers put me up to it.

The whole school was in on the joke,

and nobody laughed harder than Ram.

He didn't love you. He was a dick.

He's dead. Move on.

Shit.

I had to hurt her.

You understand that, right?

If JD ever found her snooping around his stuff,

he'd-- Kill her?

That what's you're afraid of? Well, I--

Well, I.

That's what I thought.

Come on, assholes.

Oh, shit.

Dear diary,

what am I doing?

I'm sorry, I can't be in this assembly.

What?

No. No. No, no, no.

You're my second soprano.

When you're not in position,

it will unbalance the stage picture.

I'm having a bad day emotionally.

Veronica said that-- Oh, you're sad.

I get that,

but remember how much your support means

to your classmates who worked hard

to get this very important message

out to the world.

And if that doesn't put a smile on your face,

remember how participation in this assembly

counts the one-third on your grade.

Feeling better?

Um-- Good talk.

Okay. Places. Microphone, Jason.

Thank you so much.

Okay, big smiles, everybody.

Lights, please.

Hello, Westerberg!

[cheers and applause]

Welcome.

Welcome to our special assembly.

Now, I want you to ignore the television cameras

and the news crew.

They're just here to document this very significant moment.

Whether to kill yourself or not,

is one of the most important decisions

a teenager can make.

So, you know what I'm gonna do, right now?

Kill yourself on stage?

[audience laughing]

That's not productive, Dwight.

My senior thesis at Berkeley...

[crowd cheering]

Whatever.

...was on the subject

of Pediatric Psychotherapeutic Musicology.

[audience] Woo! Hmm, I know.

So, I speak with some authority.

When I tell you that the way to eliminate suicide

is by first eliminating fear

by creating a safe zone

in which we are all equal.

♪ Deep inside of everyone There's a hot ball of shame ♪

♪ Guilt, regret, anxiety ♪

♪ Fears we dare not name ♪

♪ But if we show the ugly parts That we hide away ♪

♪ They turn out To be beautiful ♪

♪ By the light of day ♪

♪ Why not ♪ ♪ Shine, shine, Shine a light ♪

♪ On your deepest fear ♪

♪ Let in sunlight now ♪

♪ And your pain will disappear ♪

♪ Shine, shine, shine ♪

[Ms. Fleming] ♪ And your scars And your flaws ♪

[all] ♪ Will look lovely Because you shine ♪

♪ You shine a light ♪

♪ Shine, shine, shine a light ♪

♪ Shine, shine, shine a light ♪

♪ Every day's a battlefield ♪

♪ When pride's on the line ♪

♪ I attack your weaknesses ♪

♪ And pray you don't see mine ♪

♪ But if I share my ugly parts ♪

♪ And you show me yours ♪

♪ Our love can knock Our walls down ♪

♪ And unlock all our doors ♪

♪ Shine, shine, shine a light ♪

♪ On your deepest fears ♪

♪ Let it sunlight now ♪

♪ And your pain Will disappear! ♪

Who wants to share what's in their heart?

♪ No volunteers? Fine, I'll start ♪

♪ My name's Pauline I live alone ♪

♪ My husband left My kids are grown ♪

♪ In the '60s, love was free ♪

♪ That did not work out Well for me ♪

♪ The revolution came and went ♪

♪ Tried to change the world Barely made a dent ♪

♪ I have struggled With despair ♪

♪ I've joined a cult, Chopped off my hair ♪

♪ I chant, I pray But God's not there ♪

♪ So, Steve I'm ending our affair ♪

[cheers and applause]

Hello, Steve.

Oh, Steve, my sweet, sweet, sweet Steve.

[laughter]

Would you stand up for me so I can really see you?

[crowd cheering]

Everybody say, "Hello, Steve."

[crowd] Hello, Steve.

[Ms. Fleming] That's right. This is a very free space.

Oh, honey, I wanna thank you

for all those magical times we had.

But no, honey, I think it's time we go our separate ways.

But I've got one last thing I have to say to you.

You're gonna wanna sit down for this, sweetie.

It's gonna get real.

Steve,

I... faked it.

[crowd cheering] Yeah.

Every single time.

[crowd cheering] Yeah.

Whoa, that felt fan-freaking-tastic!

One, two, take me home, kids!

♪ Shine, shine, shine a light ♪

♪ And your pain will disappear ♪

♪ Let in sunlight now ♪

♪ And your pain will disappear ♪

♪ Shine, shine, shine ♪

♪ And your scars And your flaws ♪

♪ Will look lovely Because you shine ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ You shine ♪

♪ You shine a light ♪ ♪ Shine, shine, shine a light ♪

♪ Shine, shine, shine a light ♪

♪ Shine, shine, shine a light ♪

♪ Shine, shine, shine a light ♪

♪ Shine, shine, shine a light ♪

♪ Shine, shine, shine a light ♪

♪ Shine, shine, shine a light ♪

♪ Shine a light, yeah! ♪

[cheers and applause]

Woo! Yeah!

Oh, yeah.

Um, come on, kids.

That worked with me.

I want you to grab hold of your fear

and drag it out into the light where everyone can look at it.

Anyone?

Anyone at all?

I thought about killing myself.

Heather McNamara?

Share that pain. Heather, don't do this.

Not here. Let's go, Heather. Talk to--

Veronica, just so you know,

no one gave you permission to speak.

You're in a safe place, Heather.

It's just you and me

and the classmates who love you.

Share.

It's gonna be okay.

The guy I used to date... killed himself

because he was gay for his linebacker.

And my best friend seemed to have it all together but...

she's gone too.

Now, my stomach's hurting worse and worse,

and every morning on the bus I feel my heart beating louder

and faster and I'm like,

"Jesus, I'm on the freaking bus again

because all my rides to school are dead."

[crowd laughs] [dramatic music playing]

♪ I float in a boat ♪

♪ On a raging black ocean ♪

♪ Low in the water And nowhere to go ♪

♪ The tiniest lifeboat ♪

♪ With people I know ♪

♪ Cold, clammy, and crowded ♪

♪ The people smell desperate ♪

♪ We'll sink any minute ♪

♪ So someone must go ♪

♪ The tiniest lifeboat ♪

♪ With people I know ♪

♪ Everyone's pushing ♪

♪ Everyone's fighting ♪

♪ Storms are approaching ♪

♪ There's nowhere to hide ♪

♪ If I say the wrong thing ♪

♪ Or I wear the wrong outfit ♪

♪ They'll throw me Right over the side ♪

♪ I'm hugging my knees ♪

♪ And the captain is pointing ♪

♪ Well, who made her captain? ♪

♪ Still, the weakest must go ♪

♪ The tiniest lifeboat ♪

♪ Full of people I know ♪

♪ The tiniest lifeboat ♪

♪ Full of people I know ♪

[cheers and applause]

What's your damage, Heather?

Are you saying Westerburg is not a nice place?

Heather. Where's your school spirit?

You don't deserve to wear Westerburg colors.

Why don't you hop into that little lifeboat of yours

and get your gnarly wave over to Remington?

Heather, shut your cakehole.

All right, knock it off. Come one people, settle down.

Oh, look Heather's gonna cry.

God, what a baby.

That's it. Young lady, you are suspended.

Oh, turn the cameras off. Turn them off, God damn it.

Is that all you care about?

TV cameras?

I care about saving lives.

Heather, you ruined a valuable teaching--

Valuable?

None of us wanted the spectacle.

To be experimented on like guinea pigs.

Patronized like bunny rabbits.

I don't patronize bunny rabbits.

This is their big secret.

The adults are powerless.

Heather trusted you.

You said you'd protect her.

They can't help us. Nobody can help us.

You're useless. We're alone in the ocean.

You're all idiots.

Heather Chandler was a monster

just like Kurt and Ram.

They didn't kill themselves.

I killed them.

[laughs]

[all laughing]

God, some people will say anything

if they think it'll make them popular.

You're worse than McNamara.

No, wait, Heather. No. [laughter]

[rock music playing]

Oh, stupid child-proof caps.

Oh, look, Heather's going to--

♪ Whine, whine, whine All night ♪

♪ You don't deserve to live ♪

♪ Why not kill yourself? ♪

♪ Here, have a sedative ♪

♪ Whine, whine, whine ♪

♪ Like there's no Santa Claus ♪

♪ You're pathetic Because you whine ♪

♪ You whine all night ♪ ♪ Whine ♪

♪ Your ass is off the team ♪

♪ Deep down we've always known ♪

♪ Whine ♪ ♪ You don't deserve the dream ♪

♪ Whine ♪ ♪ You're gonna die alone ♪

♪ Die alone, die alone ♪

♪ Die alone, die alone ♪

Heather, no.

Suicide is a private thing.

Throwing your life away so USA Today

can print your picture under the headline

"Troubled teens."

That is the least private thing I can think of.

But what about Heather and Kurt and Ram?

If everyone jumped off a bridge, young lady, would you?

Probably.

Oh.

Well, if you were happy all the time,

you wouldn't be a human being.

You'd be a game show host.

[dramatic music playing]

Thanks for coming after me.

You're welcome.

Come on.

Come on.

So I'm guessing you're mad, huh.

I'm not mad.

Confused.

You said, you wanted us to be normal teenagers.

I did that.

I joined the God damn AV Club for you.

I know.

You know what would have happened

if they'd actually believed your confession?

Handcuffs,

separate cells,

cops trying to turn us against each other

right before they ship us off to different prisons,

is that what you want? Of course not.

Well, what then?

Everybody's cashing in on these fake suicides,

making it about themselves.

It's a sick trend and we started it.

Turning ourselves in won't stop human nature.

Then what will?

Fleming's little Kumbaya party

almost ended with Heather Mac dead on a bathroom floor.

Fleming is not the problem. Heather Duke is.

She's the one who made McNamara wanna die.

You wanna slay the dragon?

Cut off its head. Stop.

But no. You'd rather treat bubonic plague with Band-Aids.

We had the power to change things,

but we gave that up to be normal teenagers.

Good luck at school tomorrow, Heather Mac.

Hope you don't die!

We are out if you get--

Look, if you wanna keep it all up,

I'll let you slide in a fraction, fine.

You, you made me a promise and I believed you.

Do you even-- Don't act surprised.

You promised.

All right. I'm sorry.

Stop playing, grab ads.

Wait for me in the car.

I'm in the middle of something.

Yeah, I need backup.

Our friends have another job for us.

Kaboom.

I said I'm busy!

Lot of pretty women out there, sport.

I could make another son any time I want.

Now, get in the car.

[Bud] Damn it, Jason.

No firearms in the house!

Well, it pissed off my dad. It's funny.

None of this is funny.

Why are you carrying a loaded weapon?

Protection.

From what?

Reruns?

We have got to stop pretending.

This is who I am.

If you don't like it, take it up with him!

He made me!

Oh, Martha was right about you.

Now let's have a real conversation.

She was right.

And I broke her heart.

Let's talk about Heather Duke.

No.

Let's talk about you.

♪ You are a drug ♪

♪ You are a poison pill ♪

♪ I've got to kick This habit now ♪

♪ Or else I never will ♪

♪ I love the rush ♪

♪ When you would hold me close ♪

♪ But you will not Be satisfied ♪

♪ Until I overdose ♪

♪ This is it ♪

♪ Hit the brake ♪

♪ I am finally awake ♪

♪ Let me be ♪

♪ Let me go ♪

♪ You need help ♪

♪ I can't provide ♪

♪ I am not qualified ♪

♪ This troubled teen Is getting clean ♪

♪ I say no ♪

Come on, Veronica, who else is--

No, no, no, no.

♪ Don't say a word ♪

♪ You speak and I cave in ♪

♪ You'll twist the truth again ♪

♪ And drill deep down Beneath my skin ♪

♪ You said you'd change ♪

♪ And I believed in you ♪

♪ But you're still using me ♪

♪ To justify the harm you do ♪

♪ This is it ♪

♪ Hit the brake ♪

♪ Call it all my mistake ♪

♪ Long as you let me go ♪

♪ You need help ♪

♪ I can't provide ♪

♪ I'm not Bonnie You're not Clyde ♪

♪ It's not too late I'm getting straight ♪

♪ I say no ♪

♪ Blame your childhood ♪

♪ Blame your dad ♪

♪ Blame the life you never had ♪

♪ But hurting people That's your choice, my friend ♪

♪ 'Cause I believe That love will win ♪

♪ And hate will earn you Nothing in the end ♪

♪ This is the end-- ♪

But I love you.

Dude.

♪ This is it ♪

♪ I won't cry starting now ♪

♪ I will try to pay back ♪

♪ All the karma I owe ♪

♪ Start again, somewhere new ♪

♪ Far from cool guys like you ♪

♪ So goodbye 'cause now I ♪

♪ I say no ♪

♪ Just in time, I say no ♪

♪ Somehow I'm saying no ♪

♪ Just say no ♪

♪ I say no ♪

♪ No! ♪

[cheers and applause]

♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Girls ready for the big game ♪

♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Let's get psyched! ♪

♪ Hey, yo, Westerburg ♪

♪ Tell me what's that sound? ♪

♪ Here comes Westerburg ♪

♪ Comin' to put you In the ground! ♪

♪ Go, go, Westerburg ♪

♪ Give a great big yell ♪

♪ Westerburg Will knock you out ♪

♪ And send you Straight to hell! ♪

I now know thee, thou clear spirit.

That's from Moby Dick.

I appreciate a well-read woman.

What's in the envelope?

Oh, shit.

And just a reminder that

at one time around age six, I'm guessing,

you and Martha Dunnstock were friends.

Where did you get these?

Did Veronica give them to you?

What do you want?

Money?

A favor.

[scoffs] No way.

Well, I love this one of you and Martha

in the bathtub together.

These photos are ancient history.

Nobody cares about the past.

Nobody cares about Martha Dumptruck.

[dramatic music playing]

♪ There was a boy I met in kindergarten ♪

♪ He was sweet He said that I was smart ♪

♪ He was good at sports And people liked him ♪

♪ And at nap time Once we shared a mat ♪

♪ I didn't sleep ♪

♪ I sat And watched him breathing ♪

♪ Watched him dream For nearly half an hour ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Then, he woke up ♪

♪ He pulled a scab off One time playing kickball ♪

♪ Kissed me quick Then pressed it in my hand ♪

♪ I took that scab And put it in a locket ♪

♪ All year long I wore it near my heart ♪

♪ He didn't care If I was thin or pretty ♪

♪ And he was mine Until we hit first grade ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Then, he woke up ♪

♪ Last night I dreamed a horse with wings ♪

♪ Flew down into my homeroom ♪

♪ On its back there he sat ♪

♪ And he held out his arms ♪

♪ So we sailed above the gym ♪

♪ Across the faculty Parking lot ♪

♪ My kindergarten boyfriend ♪

♪ And I ♪

♪ And a horse with wings ♪

♪ Now we're all grown up And we know better ♪

♪ Now we recognize The way things are ♪

♪ Certain boys Are just for kindergarten ♪

♪ Certain girls Are meant to be alone ♪

♪ But I believe That any dream worth having ♪

♪ Is a dream That should not have to end ♪

♪ So I'll build A dream that I can live in ♪

♪ And this time I'm never waking up ♪

♪ And we'll soar Above the trees ♪

♪ Over cars and croquet lawns ♪

♪ Past the church and the lake ♪

♪ And the tri-county mall ♪

♪ We will fly through the dawn ♪

♪ To a new kindergarten ♪

♪ Where nap time ♪

♪ Is centuries long ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat music playing]

Martha wasn't in her room today.

Well, did you try calling her house?

Yeah. It just goes straight to her answering machine.

Where the hell could she be? Hey, guys.

Missed you off at third period.

Oh, we were avoiding you

because you're a terrible person.

Fine.

Skip the foreplay.

Sign this. What is it?

It's a petition to have MTV throw a spring break blowout

to help raise suicide awareness.

I got everybody to sign it.

People love me. [chuckles]

I'm gonna make an inspirational speech about it

at the pep rally tonight.

Oh, count me out.

Don't pop a tampon, Veronica.

It was your boyfriend's idea.

Hmm, the plot thickens.

JD?

He made up the signature sheet and everything.

Did you hurt your finger, Veronica?

Because I noticed you still haven't dialed the cops.

Look, I don't know what JD is up to,

but if you know what's good for you,

throw that clipboard away.

Not a chance.

This is very important work we're doing.

I mean, now, Martha Dumptruck.

Where does it end?

What about Martha?

They haven't announced it yet.

But I hear last night,

she did a belly flop off the Mill Creek Bridge

holding a suicide note.

Oh, my God.

I wonder what was upsetting her!

Is she alive?

Just some broken bones.

Yet another geek trying to imitate the popular people

and failing miserably.

♪ Yo, girl ♪

♪ Keep it together ♪

♪ I knew you would come far ♪

♪ Now you're truly a Heather ♪

♪ Smell how gangsta you are ♪

Martha, I'm so sorry!

♪ Yo, girl ♪

♪ Feel a bit punchy? ♪

♪ What's that Fruit stone you sell? ♪

♪ Now, you've earned That red scrunchie ♪

♪ Come join Heather in hell! ♪

Where have you been? Oh, we've been worried sick!

Your friend JD stopped by.

He told us everything. Everything?

Your depression.

Your thoughts of suicide.

He even showed us your copy of Moby Dick.

This is not my handwriting.

I've been on the phone all morning.

He's one step ahead of everybody.

There's a doctor in Cleveland.

Your parents, the police.

We'd like you to talk with him.

He's thought of everything, Veronica.

What kind of doctor? Psychiatric.

Leonard! What?

♪ Guess who's Right down the block ♪

You're being manipulated!

♪ Guess who's Climbing the stairs ♪

There's no shame in getting help.

♪ Guess who's picking the lock ♪

I am not the problem.

♪ Time's up! ♪

♪ Go say your prayers! ♪

♪ Veronica's running on Running on fumes now ♪

♪ Veronica's totally fried ♪

♪ Veronica's gotta be Tripping on shrooms now ♪

♪ Thinking that she can hide ♪

♪ Veronica's done for There's no doubt now ♪

♪ Notify next of kin! ♪

♪ Veronica's trying To keep him out now ♪

♪ Too late! He got in! ♪

Knock! Knock!

Sorry for coming in through the window!

Dreadful etiquette, I know!

Get out of my house!

Hiding in the closet.

Come on, unlock the door.

I'll scream.

My parents will call the police.

All is forgiven, baby.

Come on and get dressed.

You're my date to the pep rally tonight.

What? Why?

Our classmates thought they were signing a petition.

You got to come out here and see what they really signed.

♪ You chucked me out Like I was trash ♪

♪ For that you should be dead ♪

♪ But! But! But! ♪

♪ Then it hit me like a flash ♪

♪ What if high school Went away instead? ♪

♪ Those assholes are the key! ♪

♪ They're keeping you Away from me! ♪

♪ They made you blind Messed up your mind ♪

♪ But I can set you free! ♪

♪ You left me and I fell apart ♪

♪ I punched the wall and cried ♪

Bam! Bam! Bam!

♪ Then I found you changed My heart ♪

♪ And set loose all this Truthful shit inside! ♪

♪ And so I built a bomb ♪

♪ Tonight our school Is Vietnam ♪

♪ Let's guarantee they'll Never see their senior prom! ♪

♪ I was meant to be yours ♪

♪ We were meant to be one ♪

♪ Don't give up on me now ♪

♪ Finish what we've begun ♪

♪ I was meant to be yours ♪

♪ So when the high school gym Goes boom ♪

♪ With everyone inside Pchw! Pchw! Pchw! ♪

♪ In the rubble of their tomb ♪

♪ We'll plant this note Explaining why they died! ♪

♪ We, the students Of Westerburg High will die ♪

♪ Our burnt bodies may Finally get through to you ♪

♪ Your society churns Out slaves and blanks ♪

♪ No thanks ♪

♪ Signed the Students Of Westerburg High ♪

♪ Goodbye ♪

♪ We'll watch The smoke poor out the doors ♪

♪ Bring marshmallows We'll make s'mores! ♪

♪ We can smile and cuddle While the fire roars! ♪

♪ I was meant to be yours ♪

♪ We were meant to be one ♪

♪ I can't make it alone ♪

♪ Finish what we've begun ♪

♪ You were meant to be mine ♪

♪ I am all that you need ♪

♪ You carved open my heart ♪

♪ Can't just leave me to bleed ♪

♪ Veronica, open the-- Open the door, please ♪

♪ Veronica, open the door ♪

♪ Veronica, can we not fight Anymore, please? ♪

♪ Can we not fight anymore? ♪

♪ Veronica, sure, you're scared I've been there ♪

♪ I can set you free! ♪

♪ Veronica, don't make me Come in there! ♪

♪ I'm gonna count to three! ♪

♪ One! Two! Fuck it! ♪

[vocalizing]

[JD] Veronica.

Oh, God.

No.

♪ Please don't leave me alone ♪

♪ You were all I could trust ♪

♪ I can't do this alone ♪

♪ Still I will if I must! ♪

[Mrs. Sawyer] Veronica, I made you a snack.

Veronica. [screaming]

No, no. I'm fine. I'm fine. It was just a joke. A joke.

It's not funny.

I love you, Mom. [Mr. Sawyer] Huh?

What's with all the screaming?

[whimpering] It was Veronica. I found her in the--

Veronica? Where did she go? Veronica?

What? What?

♪ I wanted someone strong Who could protect me ♪

♪ I let his anger fester And infect me ♪

♪ His solution is a lie ♪

♪ No one here deserves To die except for me ♪

♪ And the monster I created ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ Heads up, JD I'm a dead girl walking! ♪

♪ Hey, yo, Westerburg! ♪

♪ Can't hide from me I'm a dead girl walkin'! ♪

[all] ♪ Hey, yo, Westerburg! ♪

♪ And there's your final bell ♪ [school bell rings]

♪ It's one more dance And then farewell ♪

♪ Cheek to cheek in hell ♪

♪ With a dead girl walkin'! ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ Yo, Rottweilers! ♪ [vocalizing]

♪ Here we go Here we go now! ♪

Veronica, Jason Dean told us you just committed suicide!

No. He's wrong about a lot of things.

Well, I threw together a lovely tribute,

especially given the short notice.

Ms. Fleming, what's under the gym?

The boiler room. That's it!

[Ms. Fleming] Veronica, what's going on?

♪ Got no time to talk ♪

♪ I'm a dead girl walkin'! ♪ [all] ♪ Hey, yo, Westerburg! ♪

♪ Hey, yo, Westerburg! ♪

♪ Tell me what's that sound? ♪

♪ Here comes Westerburg ♪

♪ Comin' to put you In the ground! ♪

♪ Go, go, Westerburg! ♪

♪ Give a great big yell! ♪

♪ Westerburg Will knock you out ♪

♪ And send you Straight to hell! ♪

[suspenseful music playing]

[timebomb beeping]

A Norwegian in the boiler room?

Just like your dad.

Huh?

And here I thought you'd lost your taste for faking suicides.

Step away from the bomb.

What? This little thing?

I can hardly call that a bomb.

No. This is to trigger the packs, the thermals

upstairs in the gym.

Now, those are bombs.

People will look at the ashes of Westerburg and say,

"Now there is a school that self-destructed not because

society didn't care, but because that school was society.

You know the only place at Heathers and Marthas

can truly get along is in Heaven!

♪ I wish your mom Had been a little stronger ♪

Don't talk about my mom!

♪ I wish she stayed Around a little longer ♪

Stop!

♪ I wish your dad were good! ♪

♪ And I wish Grown-ups understood! ♪

♪ I wish we met before ♪

♪ They convinced your life Is war! ♪

♪ I wish you'd come with me ♪

♪ I wish I had more TNT! ♪

[grunts]

[all] ♪ Hey, yo, Westerburg! ♪

♪ Tell me what's that sound? ♪

♪ Here comes Westerburg ♪

♪ Comin' to put you In the ground! ♪

♪ Go, go, Westerburg! ♪

♪ Give a great big yell! ♪

♪ Westerburg Will knock you out ♪

♪ And send you straight to-- ♪

[gunshot]

[grunting]

[timebomb beeping]

Was it good for you?

[grunts]

Kind of sucked for me.

[dramatic music playing]

It's over, JD.

Which wire do I pull?

Which wire?

Everybody get out.

There's a bomb! We got to evacuate.

Hello? [grunts]

Can anybody hear me?

I don't know how much time we've got left.

Move the trigger bomb far enough away.

It can set out the thermals, right?

Right?

[dramatic music playing]

[Veronica grunting]

Dear Diary [grunting]

I still believe there's good in everyone

[grunting] even the worst of us.

I believe we're all worth saving and I guess

that's the belief I'm willing to die for.

[grunting]

You'll never make it in time,

not on that ankle.

[whimpering] How much further?

You know, the football field should do it.

Here, let me take it the rest of the way.

No. It's a trick.

You flatter me. [grunting]

But no.

Look at me, I'm done for.

And I'm not gonna let you die like my mom.

I am damaged.

But you're different.

You are the one we ought to spare.

God knows why you wanna save them...

but you beat me fair and square.

Please stand back now.

A little further.

♪ Don't know What this thing will do ♪

♪ Hope you'll miss me ♪

♪ Wish you kiss me ♪

♪ Then you'd know I worship you ♪

♪ I'll trade my life for yours ♪

♪ Oh, my God ♪ ♪ And once I disappear ♪

[Veronica] ♪ Wait, hold on ♪ ♪ Clean up all mess down here ♪

♪ Not this way ♪

♪ Our love is God ♪

♪ Our love is God ♪

♪ Our love is God ♪

♪ Our love is God! ♪

♪ Say hi to God! ♪

[explosion]

[students coughing]

Whoa, they're saying a gas line exploded.

[panting]

Hey, where have you been?

Fleming told us you've killed yourself.

You look like hell.

Yeah. Well, I just got back.

Hey, what are you doing?

♪ Listen up, folks ♪

♪ War is over ♪

♪ Brand new sheriffs Come to town ♪

♪ We are done with acting evil ♪

♪ We will lay our weapons down ♪

♪ We're all damaged ♪

♪ We're all frightened ♪

♪ We're all freaks But that's all right ♪

♪ We'll endure it We'll survive it ♪

♪ Martha Are you free tonight? ♪

[crowd laughing]

What?

My date for the pep rally kind of blew... me off.

I was wondering if you weren't doing anything tonight,

you might wanna pop some Jiffy Pop,

rent some new releases, something with a happy ending?

Are there any happy endings?

♪ I can't promise No more Heathers ♪

♪ High school may not ever end ♪

♪ Still, I miss you ♪

♪ I'd be honored If you'd let me be your friend ♪

♪ My friend ♪

♪ We can be 17 ♪

♪ We can learn how to chill ♪

♪ If no one loves me now ♪

♪ Someday somebody will ♪

♪ We can be 17 ♪

♪ Help us to make things right ♪

♪ We want a better world ♪

♪ So why not start tonight! ♪

♪ Let's go be 17 ♪

♪ Take off our shoes and dance ♪

♪ Act like we're all Still kids ♪

♪ 'Cause this could be Our final chance! ♪

♪ Always be 17 ♪

♪ Celebrate you and I ♪

♪ Maybe we won't grow old ♪

♪ And maybe Then we'll never die ♪

♪ We'll make it beautiful ♪

♪ We'll make it beautiful ♪

♪ Beautiful! Beautiful! Beautiful! ♪

♪ Beautiful! Beautiful! Beautiful! ♪

♪ Beautiful! Beautiful! Beautiful! ♪

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat music playing]

Give it up for the Heathers band.

[crowd cheering]

One, two, one, two, three, four.

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ We'll make it beautiful ♪

♪ We'll make it beautiful ♪

♪ Beautiful, beautiful Beautiful ♪

♪ Beautiful, beautiful Beautiful ♪

♪ Beautiful, beautiful ♪

♪ Beautiful! ♪

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat music playing]