Original subtitles

[man 1] Come on, Papadakis, it's your last lap.

You only have to run a ten-minute mile.

-[gasps] -You know what?

Papadakis may have lost 40 pounds,

but he still sweats like a fat body. What's his time?

He's running 20 seconds behind.

Yeah, but if he's a little over,

you're still gonna pass him

on the Army Fitness Test, right?

No. Everybody has to be battle ready, including Papadakis.

I want to die. Please let me die.

[Dana] You can do it, Papadakis!

I believe in you!

He cannot do it. I do not believe in him.

You know what? I actually do believe in him.

He just needs the proper motivation.

-Major, deploy our new recruit. -Mm-hmm.

Yes, Sir. [whistles]

-Sergeant Scraps! Go get 'em! -[Scraps barks]

Operation "Here's-a-Good-Boy" is a go.

-[groaning] Hey, hey! -[barking]

You trained a dog to attack him?

Oi!

-[groaning] -[Scraps barking]

It's a sheep-herding dog.

It's just gonna nip at his heels.

[Papadakis] Help! Ow!

It's working. He's still ten seconds behind though.

All right, time for Operation "Who's-a-Bad-Boy?"

[intense music]

-[screaming] -[barking]

Oh, no! He's gone insane!

[screaming]

He's doing it! He's doing it!

-Oh, my God! -Yes!

-Whoo! -[laughs]

-[screaming] -You can stop running now.

You passed the Army Fitness Test!

I can't. They won't stop chasing me!

[theme music]

[dramatic music]

[Patrick] What a beauty.

Took a useless bowling alley

and turned it into the best urban training site

in all of Europe.

And now, Stroopsdorf will be known for three things.

Laundry, cheese and kicking your ass.

Hey, uh, remember when I said when are we gonna get

General Davidson's permission to build this,

and you said, "How's he gonna find out?"

-[Davidson] Quinn! -What?

How dare you go behind my back

and destroy this beautiful bowling alley?

-Well... -I was joining league this year.

We want to call ourselves the Pin Up Boys.

-What? -Shirts were made!

-Shirts? -Are you trying to provoke me?

Sir, we need to stay militarily viable.

I think that's more important than you

throwing a few gutter balls on Tuesday nights.

Something you got to know about me.

I bowl good.

[Patrick] Well, I army good.

I'm considered one of the greatest

military minds of my generation.

Which is why the Quinn Maneuver has been taught at West Point.

-It's not. -What?

Actually, your Reverse Pincer Movement has been

-removed from the textbook. -Why?

-Why would they do that? -Well, let's see.

It was irrelevant,

stupid and reckless, just like you.

I'd rather be all those things

than stupid Pin Up Boy with a fancy shirt.

Well, I will be here tomorrow

with the Paratroopers of the 173rd,

and together we will teach you about the chain of command.

-Great. -No rules.

-Love it! -Double-blind.

Fantastic!

Force on force simulated combat.

We look forward to some unfriendly combat competition.

Bring it on, creepo.

Oh, you're thinking that you and your troops

will be doing the fighting, you misunderstand.

I'm bringing in the Paratroopers

to fight with each other.

Are you telling me you're gonna come in here

and-and have an orgy in my living room?

Make me listen at the door?

No, actually, I'm gonna keep the door open.

It's true. You've been excised from this year's edition

of the West Point textbook

and replaced with a picture of a war horse.

Like the war horse in the movie War Horse.

-Which is based on the play... -[both] War Horse.

-I think it's based on a book. -[both] War Horse.

[Patrick] Enough with the War Horse, okay?

It's humiliating, sitting watching combat

on my own base while I'm not involved.

Permission to give you a supportive hug, sir?

Yep. You know what? Nah.

Davidson turned me into a cuck. He cucked me.

He turned his chair into a cuck chair.

-I'm a sitting... -Cuck.

Cuck. You know what? No more sitting.

We're getting rid of chairs. Everybody stands from now on.

-Take the stupid book. -Yep. Got it. On it.

What is a cuck chair?

You think he's gonna be okay?

Yeah. He just needs time to process.

Oh, well, that actually sounds kind of healthy.

-[chuckles] -Oh, no, no, no, no.

Processing is what he calls plotting to destroy your enemy.

Yeah, that sounds more like my dad.

Hey, uh, I know Celeste and I've been checked out.

-But, um... -Oh, well...

We're looking to hang out again,

and I'd love for us all to get together

and you two to get to know each other, maybe.

-Unless if it's weird. -What? Weird?

Why would that be weird? [stammers]

Literally no reason that would be weird.

-You're weird. -You're weird.

For being, saying that it's weird.

Uh... [chuckles]

No, I love Celeste and I love you two together.

I'd love to be with you two together.

-Yeah, absolutely. -Great.

All right, let's-let's figure something out then.

Let's get in the cal. I'm excited.

I'm down. Looking forward to it.

It's about time.

Ooh, I'm so booked. [chuckles]

-I haven't set a date yet. -Well, it's just really

nights are hard for me.

And only, like, um, only every night.

Well, we can do breakfast, maybe?

Celeste and I get up early every morning

-and we run together. -Yeah. Now, I've seen you guys.

You'd think it would be really hard

for you and your wife to jog and kiss at the same time,

but you guys have really figured it out.

Hey, guys, I know how to beat Davidson in his own game.

You processed that in under two minutes.

New record, sir.

Listen, he wants no-rules combat?

-We're gonna give it to him. -All right.

Well, exactly how no-rules are you thinking?

Nothing crazy. You know...

The first part's gonna sound like kidnapping,

but I checked it out, and legally,

we're in the clear.

So what you're describing is definitely kidnapping.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Kidnapping is when you take someone

against their will and use violence

and intimidation to hold them captive.

The worst you could say about what we're doing is

maybe it's waylaying. You know?

Okay. Why do you have the legal statute

for kidnapping memorized?

Because I'm a patriot.

[dramatic music]

-Uh, why are we in Belgium? -I don't know, man.

My orders were to transport you to the drop-off,

and this is the drop-off.

All right, guys.

[engine revving]

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You have all our equipment.

Did we get kidnapped?

I think technically we were waylaid.

Holy crap.

You told us we're stealing military supplies,

not laser tag gear, dude.

It's not laser tag,

it's force on force simulated combat.

In a double-blind exercise

where neither side shares their plan with the other.

So General Davidson's the blue team

has no idea what red team is up to.

Like the fact that we are now red team.

I still don't understand

why we want to embarrass ourselves

by attacking our direct superior

and his super soldiers?

General Davidson wanted no-rules combat,

which means there's no rule we can't play.

[Patrick] And Davidson is trying to cuck me,

but I'm gonna cuck him. That's why.

-Colonel? -Yeah.

I volunteered to be to the decisive point.

No. You don't have the experience.

And it's not "Take Your Daughter To--"

War Day. It actually is.

Literally take your daughter to War Day.

And Allison McDaniel never shut up about

going to her dad's stupid dairy farm

and getting all of the chocolate milk

that she could drink.

This is my chocolate milk.

-Okay, give me the gun. -No.

Yeah. I'm not running a Make A Wish foundation here, okay?

But I really am the best laser shot that you've got.

It's not laser tag, guys.

How many times do I have to say it?

Soldiers, lock and load.

[guns whirring]

[laser zapping]

Yeah, I, uh, I think we're playing laser tag.

Yeah. [chuckles]

[dramatic music]

[clicking]

[indistinct chattering]

Jan, disco is cancelled.

Honey, they tried to kill the disco in the '80s,

but you can never stop the beat.

All right, guys, everybody gather around.

Final briefing.

-Major Shah? -Mm-hmm.

Okay, at 1400, this flag will start pinging its location.

General Davidson and his blue team right over here

will begin attacking our position.

Now for them to win,

they have to get their hands on this flag.

For us to win,

every one of their soldiers has to be eliminated.

Okay, there's no reason to worry.

This is a simulated combat, right?

If you get shot, you get a small shock,

your gun and equipment turns off,

and then you just walk right over to the dead tent.

Yeah, about that.

I had Papadakis hack into the central system

and goose the shock,

I don't know, a couple, maybe five levels.

Hold on. How bad is this gonna hurt?

Somewhere between playing the board game operation

and getting tased repeatedly.

[laughs]

Repeatedly?

Listen, it is okay to be scared.

-No, no, no, no, it's not. -No, it's not.

They are out there in their tent scared too.

-They want to shoot us... -They are not scared.

We are soldiers, just like them.

No, we're not.

They are Hall of Fame, combat-ready soldiers.

You're dressed like soldiers,

but you guys are basically little leaguers

sitting on the bench pulling your putts.

They said those records were sealed.

Listen to me. Any other day, any other place,

we don't stand a chance.

But today, in Stroopsdorf, we got them.

Because we have the element of surprise.

Davidson has no idea

we are now the red team.

So stay frosty, 'cause we are going to war in ten minutes.

I do have something in ten minutes.

I'll push it.

[dramatic music]

-Major? -Mm-hmm.

I volunteer to hold down the situation here in the rear.

Negative. The Colonel has ordered

-you to be in the first wave. -First wave?

-Yeah. Uh-huh. -First wave?

I haven't held a gun since basic.

And the colonel said himself, none of us are really soldiers.

I mean, the new guy is over there

pressing flowers in a big ass book.

-He's so strange. -Hm.

Listen, I don't like to be embarrassed.

You don't have to worry about embarrassing yourself

because there is nothing to think about.

All right, we've been given an order.

We got to follow it. Isn't that freeing?

-No. -I've always found it freeing.

-Hey, Maggie. -Celeste.

Good to see you.

I'm so happy we finally have a morning hang on the book.

-Well, tentative, tentative. -Yes.

I wanted to tell you that I'm kind of a witch.

And now I can sense things.

-Oh. -You know what I mean?

And I just know that we're gonna be

such good friends because we have so much in common.

-Sorry. Like what? -Well, we both really like Abe.

Oh, no, no.

Well, sorry. No, I just mean that

I have never liked or I've never, like said--

Oh, my God. No, that's not what I meant.

-I just meant like... -Good, good, good.

The way that he talks about you,

you can tell that there's a lot of love and admiration.

-Good. -Kind of like a baby sister.

That's, that's exactly it. Bless his heart.

Do you mind? I-I actually completely forgot

I have to go talk to the Colonel right now.

-Oh, right now? -Yeah.

-Mm-hmm. Sure. -Excuse me.

Hey, FYI, um, I still shoot,

you know, long range, firing at melons,

just like I did with you when I was a kid.

You know, the cantaloupe you kill yourself

always taste sweeter.

-You taught me that, right? -Okay, what do you want?

Let me be the decisive point.

No, it's Shah.

He's got the most combat experience.

Okay, well, Shah is distracted.

[Patrick] Are they staring into each other's eyes?

-[Maggie] Yes, they do that. -Yeah.

You know, he did ask me to make sure that Celeste

was kept close to him during the maneuvers.

Well, that so he could focus on her instead of the mission.

As opposed to me, who has nothing,

will only focus on the mission.

Congratulations, you're the decisive point.

Congratulations to you.

You just guaranteed yourself a victory.

All right, well, let's go out there and get some melon shots.

I'm gonna turn those paratroopers

into an edible arrangement.

[man on radio] Split the blue team

into Alpha and Bravo squads, and prepare for enemy contact.

General, we have a ping from the flag

ten meters from the entrance of the training site.

[Patrick] How are you doing, soldier?

Being in the first wave reminds me

of that scene in Saving Private Ryan.

You know, the one where everyone

immediately gets mowed down.

Yeah, I love that scene.

I was looking for some reassurance.

Soldier, my reassurance is standing right next to you

'cause I would never ask you to do

anything I wouldn't do myself.

-And you always come out fine. -Oh, yeah.

I mean, I got shot a lot. I have three Purple Hearts.

That's too many!

-I'm sorry, sir. -No, no, no.

You can't embarrass me.

It's one of my biggest strengths.

I refuse to be embarrassed.

-Ah. -Yep.

It allows me to do the impossible.

Bravo team, cut the power.

Alpha team prepared to breach the training center.

-[suspenseful music] -Move! Move!

Two-by-two, move!

All right, soldiers, see you on the beach.

[indistinct yelling]

-Move, move! -Sector's clear, sir.

-[indistinct] -Go!

-[door thudding] -Go, go!

Sergeant, watch your corner.

Left flank, go! Move, move!

Clear!

The flag is in that shipping container.

-Move, move! -[Scraps barking]

[man 2] Ah! I'm blinded. [man 3] It's empty.

Where are they? What's goin' on?

-Where is it? -It's a dog.

-I can't see anything. -[man 2] Flag, it's on the dog.

Where did it go? Grab the dog. Grab the dog!

[screaming]

[zapping]

-[groaning] -Pew, pew, pew.

[zapping]

-[groaning] -Pew, pew, pew...

[screaming]

[groaning]

[Davidson] It was the wrong shipping container.

Alpha team is down. Alpha team is down.

Bravo team, prepare for entry.

-Follow me. -Sector's clear, sir.

I'm besides you. Go, go, go!

[Patrick on radio] All right, decisive point. You're up.

Take them out.

I've got them. [humming]

-Melon shot. -[zapping]

[groaning]

Melon shot!

-Melon shot. -[zapping]

-Melon shot. [grunting] -[zapping]

Whoo!

No wonder my dad never came home.

[bell dinging]

[soldiers groaning]

Whoa, judging by how many you guys wet your pants,

I definitely goosed the shock too much.

[cheering]

[laughing]

[Maggie] I've had about enough of you, witch.

-[zapping] -[groaning]

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[electricity crackling]

[sighs] Well, that made it weird.

That made it weird.

Red surrounded blue from the middle like

some sort of Reverse Pincer Movement,

but that's impossible.

No!

That's the Quinn Maneuver.

[cheering]

[upbeat music]

[Patrick] All right, guys. Hey, listen up, guys.

That was an amazing day out there.

But before we really get crazy,

I wanted to just take this time to single out today's MVP.

Yep. This is somebody who really put on

a great performance today, and without whom

couldn't have done what we did.

Ladies and gentlemen, Scraps! Where are you, Scraps?

-[Scraps barking] -Come here, baby.

Oh, yeah. There you are.

Take a bow. Take a bow.

Hey, Scrap. Come here.

[Maggie] Aw...

Are you proud of anyone else as well?

Well, yeah. No, I mean, I'm proud of all you guys

in a very general, nonspecific way.

Come on, let's go, Sergeant Scraps.

Let's get something to eat.

Okay. Hey.

You know that I took out

half of the blue team single handedly. So--

Well, we'll find out

'cause I'll check all the gun data

and we'll see just how many melons you hit.

Sorry, wh-what now? The gun, the gun data.

Yeah. That's why we do all the electronic BS we have.

Like, we can track everybody.

-Every single shot? -Well, you have to do that.

Right, because of...

Well, that's how you find out if there was any friendly fire,

because you can't have that.

It's the opposite of what we're trying to achieve here.

-Right? -[laughs] Yeah.

-All right. Have a good time. -All right.

-[Patrick] Okay. -[sighs deeply]

[whispering] Bad, bad, bad. Bad, bad, bad.

Hey, uh, that was awesome.

That was awesome! [chuckles]

Can I... Uh, one second.

-Do you mind? -Yeah.

I just want to make sure that there's no way

that the, um, blue team could,

like, erase their data if they wanted to.

Well, they could try to reset their device with a paper clip.

-Paper clip. -See, that'll

bring you back from the dead

and wipe the most recent game.

You know what?

I think I'll call West Point and tell him

my maneuver worked again, and it's time to put it back

into the textbook for next year.

General Davidson's on the line.

Probably ready to wave the white flag.

-General. -[Davidson] You may have

defeated my blue team, but I know your plan now.

And I just took command of the real red team.

What?

They're supposed to be waylaid. Oh, my God.

What is the real red team doing back here?

The Dutch bus system is very comprehensive.

This is why public transportation

should be illegal.

[Patrick] All right, know what we're gonna do,

we're gonna flank them. We go out the back door

so we don't get shot and end up in the dead tent.

-Don't even worry about that. -[Patrick] What are you doing?

You guys, you know what?

I'm gonna take care of these guys single handedly.

-[Patrick] No, don't do that. -Hope, I don't get shot.

-No, no, no, no, no... Hey! -No!

-[man 4] Contact! -[guns clicking]

[zapping]

-[thud] -Enemy down!

-Hey. -Oh, my God, Maggie. Thank God.

I'm so happy you're here.

Wow, they really, uh, recreated

the stench of death in here.

Oh, yes, that is urine.

A lot of these guys peed themselves

and they're being really dramatic about it!

Meanwhile, I'm the only one on my team that got shot,

so I'm mortified.

Well, let's take a look, because your equipment

might have, like, malfunctioned.

-No, I don't think so. -I'm gonna check, it happens.

I doubt it. I was yelling "pew, pew, pew"

the whole time while I was firing.

I just, I wanted to impress you, you know?

I wanted to impress all of Abe's friends

'cause he's made this place home,

and I was hoping it would be mine, too.

[mellow music]

[whirring]

Look.

I got shot on purpose.

So I could come in here and reset you.

-Really? -Yeah.

You could reset me.

And then we'll both have a second chance.

Okay. [chuckles]

[whirring]

-Let's go earn it. -Let's do it. [chuckles]

It also smells like poo in some areas.

Yes, someone did that as well.

[dramatic music]

Oh, God.

Ooh. Ahem.

-Sir. I found one. -Mm.

Ah!

Soldiers, it's time for the resurrection.

[dramatic music]

Back, back, back.

Davidson's blue team is back from the dead.

[man 5] Move up.

[indistinct yelling]

Uh, so, we were trying to flank them and then they flanked us.

So two flanks is an equal, opposite reaction.

I'm, I'm really scared.

Listen up, soldiers. As your leader,

I cannot put you in harm's way.

I know this is a fake war,

but I will not let you fake die.

And I think, unfortunately,

since we're surrounded by Davidson's red and blue team,

I'm gonna have to real surrender.

[Papadakis] Sir.

I would have never passed the Army Fitness Test

if it weren't for you

believing in me enough to chase me with that knife.

And I wouldn't have found out

I'm a stone-cold laser killer

if you hadn't put this gun in my hand.

-Yeah. -[gun clicks]

We got this far because you believed in us.

Let's finish this thing together.

And Quinns never surrender.

[barking]

You know what, Sergeant Scraps is right.

We're still in this thing.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

[chuckles]

The mirror ball.

Krrr!

Guess what, Major Shah and I have just hatched the plan.

-Hey, Jan? -Yes.

We're gonna need your help

with the dramatic costume change.

I have been preparing for this moment my whole life.

-[dramatic music] -[door thuds]

[indistinct yelling]

Well, well, well, general.

Is this the closest you've ever been to the front lines?

You are the only soldier I have ever known

to take such pride in being shot.

Well, three Purple Hearts.

It's one of the things I do best.

Well, I'm excited to see it for myself.

I'm sure you are.

Soldier, your weapon.

Any last words?

I think just one.

Fire!

-[lasers zapping] -[groaning]

-Pew. Pew, pew, pew... -[zapping]

[groaning]

Your turn. Fire. Your turn. Pew. Your turn.

[grunting]

-[bell dings] -Whoo!

[cheering]

I've got the taste for blood.

This proves nothing!

Proves that the Quinn Maneuver worked twice, sir. Sorry.

We won after being surrounded three times.

-Yeah. -You still got it.

[grunting]

Must not urinate. Whoo...

♪ All night all day...

This whole thing's made me realize I am like in the army.

-Yes, finally. -It's been four years.

Now, that was a great day you had, amazing day!

I'm very proud of you.

Especially when you shot Celeste in the melon.

Okay. How did you... I'm sorry.

Don't worry. I would have shot her.

I've seen 'em kissing and running too.

-Right? It's so gross. -I know.

-It's disgusting. -Like, so much loose tongue.

-Ugh! -Yuck. [exhales]

Wow, we were...

more alike than I thought.

-Yeah. -It does.

-[glasses clinking] -Hating loose tongue.

[children] It's going so well.