Original subtitles

"Carefully monitor your supply of prescription medication..."

"Dede I'm sorry I cannot help you please try again..."

"Always take your medication exactly as prescribed by your doctor..."

"Searching for drug interactions..."

This video is for the

customer service people at Shield Health,

cuz I just had the most horrendous

experience at the doctor's office today

so I'm going to put it on the Internet and maybe

it's going to go viral and we can all do

something about the American healthcare industry or...

"never change your dosage without talking to your providers..."

So... so...

So I went in to get my Oxycontin refill today

but there's a new doctor

who lectures me like it's a crime

to be in fucking pain for a long time

wants to upsell me on therapy unrelated to my pain

then ask me all these questions like I was insane

warning me about "my overall health condition Ms Chow, so how about you come in for

more exams how about a week from now?" I mean give me my fucking Oxy already.

Or perks even better or whatever to cope

do you want me to start shooting up that dope?

Cuz I'm in huge pain got a lot of

shit to deal with right now so stop

guilt tripping me you fucking racist cow

because my last name is not Chow

I mean how can you not get it right

it's Dede Cheung. My name is Dede Cheung!

My name is Dede Cheung, a former photojournalist.

I was snapping photos for the Times in the city of LA,

When my Friday paydays began to slowly fade away,

You see the newspaper business had a best before date,

And now my ass is on

the street like expired mayonnaise,

Which put a damper on my wedding plans,

oh and by the way, yes I am gay.

"When has Dede Cheng ever paid for brunch?"

"Never!"

She changed the locks on our doors two

weeks before our big day,

"What part of no do you not..."...

I begged her to reconsider but I guess it was too late,

Contributing my broke ass to the unemployment rate,

I guess it's not an attractive trait she wished in a soulmate,

So eight years from our loving first date,

She insinuate, incriminate,

disseminate with full hate and eviction

notice to terminate our relationship

like that, devastate, exterminate, pixelate you bitch!

Moving on without me,

The world is moving on without me...

The camera is my lens with which I saw the world,

but now the ground beneath me

spins as my lens swirled and twirled,

Searching for a subject, the reason to

frame a shot, the present tense a mystery

as I lose my train of thought,

Watching time accelerate, I contemplate what it's

like in Heaven's Gate, mood swings I

cannot regulate, a pain I can't eradicate,

but these pills I need to medicate,

eventually I'll de-toxicate, but first I

need to concentrate to get my shit in a

fucking better state! I'm fucking genius!

Dede Cheng one, healthcare industry zero.

As a high functioning addict for many years,

I wanted a fresh start.

I needed to get the fuck out of LA.

So I swallowed my pride, I asked my mom if I could borrow

some money to travel... with the promise

that I would pay her back. But instead,

she quits her job, moves to LA on some

kind of rescue mission.

I wasn't proud of what I chose to do as a

young woman. But seeing you... my own daughter...

Making the same sorts of bad decisions.

I was born in Hong Kong.

Mom and dad were investment bankers.

When they divorced, they put me into

a boarding school in Connecticut while

agreeing to share custody over the holidays.

Dad often canceled our plans until he stopped calling.

Oh one time, I lied to my mom that I was

going to be with my dad for a few weeks

during summer and ended up getting high

on every Schedule One Narcotic I could

get my hands on while backpacking across Europe...

Before overdosing on horse tranquilizers in Amsterdam.

Not recommended.

First thing tomorrow I'm going to the methadone clinic.

What is this huh?

- What the? - Why do you have two cell phones?

Seriously mom, what the fuck are you doing

going through my stuff?

You really think I don't know how all this works? Don't lie to me.

Ok well I'm not selling drugs

or turning tricks if that's what you're imagining.

Then why do you have two fucking cell phones?

Whatever. Stop trying to break me down.

Nobody asked you to come here so why

don't you just leave me alone.

Hey, Laura. Come back. Hey. Get back.

Come here. Hey come back. Where are you going?

You know what mom this is the first time I've done fine without you.

Hey hey hey! Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry. Let's go, come on.

My name is Laura Yip. My dad's name is Peter,

my mom's name is Margaret.

My dad said she died of a heart failure when I was just a baby,

I look like my mom, her photos are really pretty.

I don't want to do this.

Well you were here on time so we have to now.

Okay.

I like to rhyme just like my friend Dede with the blue hair.

She and her mom Anna moved down the street to us.

Dede's pretty just like her mom.

Oh Laura go wash up we have a big day ahead. Okay?

I saw this movie where the camera goes in the shower.

It's supposed to be scary.

Okay, play your camera later, okay?

Now go wash up. Give me the camera.

- No! - Come on.

- Give it back! - Listen. Go wash up.

No, give it back!

Give it back!

I left school really early, because the kids would often tease me.

Keeping up with me was hard, so fitting in was hardly easy.

But the teacher said I was disruptive. If Margaret was alive,

She would defend me like a mama bear,

allowing me to choose thrive. Roar.

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.

Hurry up okay?

Hi babap.

Hey listen I'm sorry about what happened earlier.

Yeah.

Can you pass me the Chan's invoice?

My dad is the best,

he's the best, he's the best.

Spent a lot of time at home, just me and my dad,

he taught me all about accounting, more than any college grad,

So I can help him with his clients, a lot of them are tax cheats,

but my dad still finds a way to sneak in the legitimate receipts.

Analyze and prioritize, organize and classify,

the order of accounting, shelters me from any strife.

So I can focus on drawing cartoons and shooting videos,

the library of my life.

I never taught her.

Never ever would I place her in a special school or

some group facility.

I felt like a kid all the time.

It's been a long time since I felt like that.

I felt at ease with them right away,

like an old friend who I could talk

to you about anything.

I never had dreams.

So I have no regrets.

Hey, you say thank you auntie Anna.

Thank you auntie Anna.

You're welcome. Dinner will be ready soon, okay?

Lucky girl. Now you have two cameras.

Hmm yeah.

I've got my meeting and then I'm seeing my sponsor.

Friggin' relax.

Today's my birthday.

- Happy birthday. - When's your birthday?

Uh, December.

Forever in December...

My dad got me a rhyming dictionary birthday in May.

I like wordplay.

- Okay? - Yay.

Where you going? We should be friends.

Maybe later babe. I got adult stuff to do.

I'm an adult.

- Hey Laura. - Bye.

Time to eat.

We're going to be friends.

Hey Laura. Okay, how about just have an orange then?

Sit here, you can watch TV, huh? Take the control...

- So. Nothing to watch? - It's okay.

You gotta eat something. You want to come, sit with us?

Fine.

Tell you what. This time you're going to sit

a little closer to daddy okay? Come on.

Okay, how about I have this,

and you eat that. You eat that too.

No.

Hey you got to eat something.

- Hello. - Not now, please.

My dad says you have a Panasonic.

I want to see your lens kit.

Hey hey! Those are important. Don't do that.

I do a lot of filming. My hands are steady like a Steadicam.

I log my footage every day

and have it organized and metatagged. Now with

the GoPro I'll double my footage.

Don't touch this! God, it's not like I have

a need for an intern.

I can be your intern.

Now I'm your friend and your intern. I want to

help you. I'll listen to everything you say.

Where you going?

You going to a production meeting? I can take notes.

- My handwriting is very clear... - Laura!

No.

No!

No.

Hey Mister Yip? It's okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You know

I should have let you know in advance.

You know, we were meeting about her maybe being my intern

for some project...

I'm your intern!

Yeah, I mean I could really use the extra help.

She has plenty to do already. It's tax season. Come on, let's go.

I'm her friend, and her intern.

She's here.

Dede with the blue hair.

Alright, let's do this.

Back by seven okay?

- Yes baba. - See you Mister Yip.

Call me if you're late.

Okay.

I spent my life telling other people's stories through my lens.

Living an unexamined life I can no longer pretend...

Laura you're okay?

I can't find focus.

Keep rolling. Why don't you stand in for me.

- Okay. - You stand in and I'll focus and then you can

come back in again.

My name is Laura Yip, drip drip, taking a trip trying to make a movie clip,

An abandoned ship, last poker chip,

break a hip, let it rip...

Just stop.

I need to get a grip.

Shut the fuck up Laura. Will you let me focus, can you?

You made a pun, or a double entendre.

It's when you say the same word...

Okay Laura I know, I know what it is.

Can I try?

Yeah that should do it. I'm going to take from the top.

Okay.

- Ready? - Yeah.

I spent my life telling other people stories through my lens,

living an unexamined life I can no longer pretend...

Hey.

Oh your phone is ringing and

I didn't know the password.

Thanks for lunch.

You're welcome.

You know...

You wanted vegetarian tacos right?

Yeah.

Oh my God look at the sky.

Thanks.

Dede and I were at the dollar store. I picked

these out and she paid. They're a gift from

us to you.

Thank you Laura. This is...

Can I tell you something?

Yeah?

You promise you won't tell anyone? Not even your dad.

Yeah. I'm your friend. Friends keep their promises.

I think I want to be a mom.

I never really thought about it before,

but being here and sorting my head out...

I think I want to have a kid someday.

My dead mom Margaret was really pretty.

I look like her. She was twenty five when I

shot out of her vagina. I don't want a

baby shooting out of my vagina.

Oh yeah? You've never really wanted to have a

boyfriend, or...?

You want a boyfriend?

No I'm gay.

Like, I like women. I had girlfriends, not boyfriends.

When you have your baby can I hold it?

Yes, absolutely.

Those few months, life was really really good.

Learning to let go a little and

spend time with Anna was almost perfect.

I wasn't sure and had to be convinced

but Anna felt very strongly we could go

away and spend a weekend together.

- Hello Laura, hello Dede. - We are in Santa Barbara...

Peter was attached to his cell phone camera the entire time.

I think Laura gave him the bug.

I promised Laura I would take a lot of

videos and pictures so that when we come

back we can watch it together.

- Hey. - Hello.

We are in Griffith Park,

and Laura's taking photos.

Yeah, I never been here before.

I have to pee.

Really?

You know it's just...

I just lit my cigarette but come on.

- I wouldn't sit on the toilet seat if I was you. - Okay.

Laura?

Laura.

Laura.

Laura?

Laura!

I called mom to tell her that Laura went missing.

There was a long silence on the other line.

They were back in LA within hours.

When we called all the park rangers and began scouring the area...

Later that evening, the park ranger tells us the news...

It took us about an hour to convince her to come out.

I never felt so guilty or awful in my whole life.

I should have given you more

specific instructions on how to take care of Laura.

Certain triggers cause her to

become disoriented.

Any sudden extreme changes, her senses

become overloaded, like a computer crash.

Let's just go home and keep it off okay?

Never should I have trusted you so soon, you're not ready.

What? You're going to buy more drugs?

Mom I am trying and you

never give me a second chance.

I've given you so many chances already, you never appreciate

what I've sacrificed.

For the last time, I wasn't drunk or high or turning tricks.

So even when you're sober you still so irresponsible!

Mom...

Until you get clean I cannot

help you anymore. Go.

You're even a worse liar than your father.

Well at least dad told me everything mom.

Does Peter know? Did you tell him?

Why don't we all go to sleep...

Dad, Dad was a regular client of my mom's at

the karaoke club that she worked at

as a dancer and hostess, right?

That's how they had me. I was a mistake, right?

I am not supposed to be here and

then then they got married because my

mom was too ashamed to tell her own

parents she was a fucking whore!

- Shut up! - And then what? Dad set you up with the

banking job, right? Right? To keep up

appearances like the perfect rich girl,

marry the rich man have a successful career,

the end.

Anna...

Why don't you stay with us tonight?

You can stay on my bed. I have extra blankets

and sheets. I can help you. We're friends.

We're friends.

Dede.

Dede!

Dad!

Anna said she had to go back to Hong Kong

because she had some work to do.

I asked her about Dede. Anna said it'd be okay,

that Dede would come home soon.

You're waiting for Anna.

You're thinking about her all the time.

You're crazy for her as they say.

We don't need anyone else.

We have each other, that's most important.

We're lucky, you and me.

Just you and I.

You love Anna.

But you don't know whether she loves you back,

or whether or not you can live happily ever after without her.

What do you know about love?

Anna would put her head on your shoulder like I do.

I know you love me,

therefore I know you love her.

I went back to my routine in Hong Kong.

It felt like I never left.

The noise and the energy was like medicine.

It helped shut out everything.

I did get the fuck out of LA after all.

I swallowed my pride and texted my ex-girlfriend Chloe.

Turns out, she was working at an ad agency up in San Francisco.

She couldn't promise anything but said

she'd try her best to send some freelance work my way.

Laura.

Time for cards.

Laura.

So our offices in Palo Alto,

we've been growing by about two hundred percent...

Hang on. Sorry man, can you just turn your

collar down it's like turned up on both sides,

and you were great man, love the eye contact

like, makes the audience feel engaged...

Can I just talk to you for a second?

Hey guys can you just take a quick moment for a second?

- Oh yeah sure. - Thanks.

So, the client wants to

just use the footage that we currently have.

Okay they want to call it a day? Sweet.

No, they actually just wanted to use

just that, and nothing else.

What do you mean? I thought you said it was for six months?

I know. But the problem is that...

their budget is, you know,

they're maxing out so they want to be...

Okay well that's okay you can tell them I can drop my rate.

I did, I told them but they won't...

I need this gig, Chloe, I need...

I know, I'm doing all I can to help you okay? I love you, come on.

If you love me then why did you leave me

in the first place Chloe? I needed this

gig, and you fucking screwed me.

I tried to check up on you.

You simply disappeared on me.

There's not much more I could do.

So, you finally gave up on me.

Fuck this, I will not be made to feel guilty.

- You took this one too? - Yeah but I didn't go in the water.

She talked about photography,

making you see the world differently,

exploring different places,

and you telling her

the world is how you frame it.

What's in it, what isn't.

She was always drawing,

but I never heard her articulate things quite like that before.

My favorite picture.

I've never seen her smile like that before.

What are you doing?

Making a movie.

Happy birthday.

What are you waiting for? Open it.

Dede with the blue hair.

Dede. Dede with the blue hair.

This is Laura Yip, reporting into my brand new smartphone.

It is oh eight hundred hours, and we are about to embark on

a mission to visit Dede.

Dad, say hi to the camera.

Hi.

- Dad. - Yo.

Say your name, time, and where we're going.

Oh hi this is Peter Yip with my daughter

Laura Yip. It is Saturday morning.

Dede invited us to San Francisco for a

few days, so All Gold Mountain!

Here we come. Bye. Let's go.

Bye.

- You have some flowers in your hair? - No.

Let's go get the flowers.

We finally made it to the Bay Area.

In fact, we are on the beautiful Bay Bridge.

- But I personally like the Golden Gate better. - Why?

Chinese people love gold. We name every,

everything after gold, especially the restaurants:

Golden Palace, Golden Dragon,

even the Golden Buddha! Now you know why

so many Chinese lives in California?

Because it is the Golden State.

- We're going to Chinatown, get some egg tarts. - We're going to Chinatown to get some egg tarts.

Are you ready? Ah.

Mmm. So good. Try some.

What did I tell you? Is it good?

Is it good, no?

This is Laura Yip. We've landed in San Francisco,

and we're now at the Golden Gate Bridge with my dad.

Going on that road trip for Laura...

was really special.

- I think I'm gonna text her. - What did she say?

I don't know, she's... we're probably a little early.

Let's check in to the hotel and try again

tomorrow okay? Come on. Let's go.

Laura?

Stop being so stubborn.

You always get your way.

This is Laura Yip again. It is oh two hundred hours.

Dede has yet to arrive home.

Dede was supposed to meet us at eighteen hundred hours yesterday.

Dede is my only friend.

If Dede's gone I'll have no friends.

Let's check in to a hotel.

It's okay, don't cry,

don't cry.

Dede with the blue hair.

Dede. Dede's here.

Laura, just stay here. I'll be right back.

Okay.

Thank you for the groceries.

You're welcome.

We have to be out of here by noon.

House-sitting again?

I said I'm sorry about last night...

I don't need to hear any of this okay?

Can I stay with you and Laura?

Please. Please help me.

I had no choice. For Laura's sake,

I had to.

Oh that's chicken?

- Yeah actually this one's the mackerel. - Oh it's fish?

- It's like a fatty fish. - It looks like chicken.

Oh no I think I left my camera running.

The rest of the weekend Laura seem more relaxed.

I've never seen her like that in a long long time.

This is a Dede photobomb.

This is Dede and my dad. They're my favorite people.

This is where people get married you know?

- Yeah. - Where are we? What is the name of this place?

- Cow Palace. - No...

The Palace of Fine Arts.

Hi this is Laura Yip.

We're leaving San Francisco and we're going back

to LA and guess who we're bringing with us?

That's right. We have a special guest today.

- Hi Dede. - Hey.

As I'm about to bring everybody back to Los Angeles

we're going to be passing by this most

wonderful if not magical place in the

entire west coast and inside the minds

of every Chinese parents.

Anybody know the answer?

No. Do you Dede?

God, it's so Asian. Stanford, so good.

University campuses are like tourist attractions for our people.

Dad is she right?

She's right! She got the answer.

Hey you want the prize or cash?

According to the Chinese parents,

always take the cash.

Well I guess I'm Chinese then, so I will take that cash.

She's taking the cash and we're taking her. Bye.

In recovery, they talk about surrendering to a god,

a higher power, or whatever woowoo thing

you want to believe in. Not really sure what

to believe in, but in any case, when I

moved in with Laura and Peter, I started

my day off with methadone, because you know, science.

So I guess you deserve the truth,

I used about two days ago, again a couple

times this past week. I just fight with

the girlfriend, you know, parties just justify it

and I know, but I threw it out, I threw

out what I bought, and I am still going and

going for day number three.

I've been coming here for five years now and, so just as nervous as the first time...

but it's so nice to hear from all of you.

I'm at thirty days, finally. Yeah.

I don't wanna like, say I don't need to be here,

I, but, you know I just kind of fucked up.

I actually was sober enough for the first time in six months

to get a job, so...

Excuse me, hey, I'm Dede.

I've been clean for seven days.

Yeah, so yeah I guess I'm here and thanks

for listening to me. Your turn...

I've been clean exactly one month, as of today.

I'd be lying if I said I feel great because I don't.

I feel fucking awful.

Anxious. You know, none of that zen bullshit.

I've been through this a couple of times now.

You know, recovery, rehab, whatever you

fucking want to call it, okay? So I know

how it goes. I know the whys and

the how's and the what's and the wheres and so forth,

but, um...

but it was always like up in here, in the head. Not down here.

Okay so we've gone over the pedals and

the gear stick to put your foot on the brake and then...

I don't really I want to do that...

Feels different this time.

Because I'm not doing it for me. I'm doing it for Laura.

Yeah, she can be fucking annoying and incredibly

frustrating to the point where you want

to pull out her hair, follicle by follicle,

but through it all she inspires me

to be better. So when someone loves

you more than the drugs do...

I'm not just doing this for me anymore.

Excuse me, is there a place where I can get soda?

Um yeah down street and to the right.

Thank you.

Thanks.

- Oh my gosh. - Scaredy cat.

Hey you did it.

Yeah.

- How was it? - It was weird.

- Well cheers to you. - I don't think ordered right.

I don't care. I'm just proud of you.

Change.

Hi, I'm listening to start treatment and

I was wondering how to go about starting.

Okay, well, I have some paperwork here for you

to fill out and then I will get you

a manager to speak with so if you wanna take a seat.

Okay, thank you.

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you,

happy birthday dear Dede with the blue hair, happy birthday to you.

Surprise.

So that's what you were up to.

She went out and got the cake all by herself.

Oh yeah? That's awesome. Ooh, congrats Laura.

Did she tell you she was going to do this?

No, she said she wanted to catch the bus

all the way home today.

For her to go out alone is extremely unsafe. She could really get hurt.

Happy birthday Dede with the blue hair...

Shh! Go to the kitchen.

I'm sorry. I should've told you...

This is all your fault.

Look, when we go to the center...

What have you done to my daughter?

Can you just let me finish? When we go to the center...

- You know I just I bought her a bus pass... - Bus pass?

To explore the city and then she meets me back

at the center. Usually. She's perfectly okay by herself.

My phone has the internet, it knows

everything, I text Dede my updates all

the time, except for the cake that was our surprise.

We got it worked out.

I'm going to take all the buses and the

trains. I like the trains.

Ba!

Ba!

Dad. Give us the cake.

Dad.

Dad. Give us the cake!

Dad! Give us the cake!

Dad! Dad! Give us the cake!

- Hey hey hey. - Dad it's not yours.

No. Dad! It's not his cake.

I know babe, I know.

Happy birthday Dede with the blue hair.

It's almost over anyway but thanks Laura.

- Sorry you didn't get to eat cake. - It's okay.

I read on the internet people in recovery need love.

I love you Dede.

If you need me I'll be there for you.

Because I don't want you to be alone.

I'm your friend.

When you have your baby someday I'll help you take care of it.

I had to do something.

Laura!

Hi Anna.

Wow, you look great.

Are you excited about coming to Hong Kong?

I'm not going to Hong Kong.

Laura is staying with her uncle in Pasadena.

I don't have an uncle in Pasadena.

Why don't you let auntie and I have a private moment,

and why don't you go to your room?

I told dad to take a lot of photos and videos of you in Hong Kong.

I always wanted to go there.

Dede and I will be holding down the fort as they say.

Dede's been staying with us for the past three months

and eleven days including today.

- Laura? - Dede and I do everything together.

Except for methadone and rehab. She's my best friend.

Stop.

Anna?

She hang up?

Why can't you keep your mouth shut, huh?

- Why? Why? - Sorry.

Do I have to explain every single thing to you?

I'm sorry, baba. I didn't mean to make you angry.

- I'm sorry. - It's okay. It's okay.

- I'm sorry! - It's okay, it's okay.

It's not your fault. I should have prepared you better.

Sorry.

Peter is...

I can handle the truth. I can handle it.

Don't be shy...

Don't be shy, but try...

Don't be shy...

Over the next few weeks I conducted a

post-mortem on the video chat incident.

My dad told me forget about it. But my dad

seemed hurt by my actions. I don't want

my dad to be hurt again because of me.

Because my dad's the best, he's the best, he's the best.

My dad is the best, he's the best

he's the best.

I've got the inability to make a real-time inference,

that means I cannot take a hint to all of you in plain English.

Is lying always bad? Can there be an exception?

So I sat down, took a deep breath,

did my research on the art of deception.

You see...

Love is not the opposite of hate but is indifference,

Hate and love can coexist in my research and experience,

Dad wants Anna back so that is love and not indifference,

But Anna's mad at dad so that is hate but not indifference,

But hate does not disprove that there is love in some significance,

But dad cannot rely on Dede's valuable assistance,

Cuz Dede's link to Anna is the path of most resistance,

But if that's the case that's also hate but not indifference.

Thus, the only way to prove that love is truly in existence,

is to reunite the four of us in spite of our long distance.

Cuz Dede is my friend and dad is dad and dad loves Anna,

but that will mean there needs to be a pièce de résistance.

So, in this web of love and hate,

the only person not entangled or mangled

emotionally dismantled in shambles

who can handle in wrangle this conundrum...

is me.

It's alright don't cry, together you and I,

Don't be shy but try, together you and I.

Find a way to fly, together you and I,

Find a way to fly, together you and I.

A plane with Wi-Fi service is my favorite place to be,

I reviewed my whole itinerary every step from A to Z.

Sitting snugly on a plane, its tranquility,

stability, rigidity, is naturally,

continually and predictably a relaxing

place to be, for me, to breathe,

without becoming crazy.

Ah! Finally!

So sleepy.

It's alright don't cry, together you and I, It's alright don't cry, together you and I.

Don't be shy but try, together you and I, Don't be shy but try, together you and I.

Don't be shy but try, together you and I.

Are going to The Peak?

Are going to The Peak?

Are going to The Peak?

Are going to The Peak?

Are going to The Peak?

Yay!

In many romantic stories that end so happily,

Typically has a backdrop with the utmost majesty.

So only when my plane touched down would I tell them where I'd be,

A landmark in the city, a lookout called The Peak.

This may be insanity,

so callously, walking into a catastrophe,

if the timing didn't work out so precisely.

But I absolutely in totality put my

mortality in the hands of my greatest

fantasy that eventually we will finally

become an incredibly happy family.

A family, a family, a family, a family.

Reach out, aim high, together you and I, Reach out, aim high, together you and I.

That was Laura's version, but it wasn't exactly what happened.

She had a panic attack after she lost her phone.

She managed to get help from a group of

girls on their bachelorette party

who brought her to the train security staff.

We were relieved, angry and frankly

exhausted, but Laura insisted on going to.

The Peak as planned. There was no denying her.

We didn't say much to each other that night.

It was like Double Happiness,

seeing Peter, and hearing the news about you.

Dede, I'm sorry for how I've treated you.

I was so ashamed of my past, and I'm so worried

and afraid for you. Afraid that you would

follow in my footsteps, and make the same mistakes I made.

But from the moment I held you in my arms,

you're the best thing to have ever happened to me.

You gave me a second chance for a better life,

a new life.

And so when I heard about your baby,

and that I was going to be a grandmother,

that night was the best night of my life because of you.

I love you so much Dede. You mean everything to me.

About a month after that, Anna quit her job,

and moved back to LA.

- How's my tie? - My makeup?

Any reflection on my glasses? No?

They were married a few months later.

Cheese.

I still call him Peter, and Laura

still calls my mom Anna.

But they all call me Mommy.

I feel as close to a hippo as I've ever felt in my whole life.

And when the doctor first told me

I was pregnant with you, I wasn't excited like I thought I'd be.

I was scared for you.

I was scared for me.

Is she moving yet?

Yeah she is, you wanna try see if you can feel it? Put your hand on.

The truth is Izzy that I was, and

I still am an addict.

I felt I needed to come clean so that you knew

the truth, and you knew who I was before

I had you, and how this funny little

family came to be, because the truth is

without auntie Laura I'm not sure I

would have had the courage to become a mom.

She really taught me that I had it

in me to be responsible, to care and love

for someone, but also to care and love for myself.

So I put together this collection of photos

and videos because I wanted you to know the truth.

Who I am, who are family is, and how you came to be

because you're special and important

to each and every one of us.

This is for you Izzy. I love you.