Original subtitles

I see heroin. I

use heroin. I inject it

in my body. I snore it in my body because

I'm addicted to it.

I'm a walking, *******

abomination.

Father, oh my

God, who give up

In our rightful mind,

Impure of life's

eyes of his mind,

In deeper

heaven's brave True cult

black metal is not about playing live,

not about being part of some ********

social scene, you know. It's just about,

you know, Satan.

God,

it burns really bad.

You know, ******* dominating the *******

Christian church, you know, crushing it,

you know, putting our throne high above

the skull of God, you know, it's just

black ******* metal, man.

Hello?Hello?

Yeah, I'm ready. We'll do it.

This is Templeton. We've got curly hair,

whiskers are curly. Oh, they're awesome.

I used to have one when I was like 14.

They're just fun to have. They're mad

cool. I want to get another one because

he's kind of lonely. I've lived here

since nine months. I've been with

my boyfriend for like 9 months, so...

I've lived here since then. Well, that's

not my boyfriend. That's Chris. He's like

my brother. Yeah, he's been staying with

me since my boyfriend's gone. He's

supposed to be keeping me out of trouble.

Well, I like to get into trouble. Well, I

just, I get ****** ** a lot. A lot, like

on a daily basis. My boyfriend went out

to sea and I acquired a pretty bad

habit while he was gone. We met and

apparently I'm like everything he's ever

wanted. Yeah, he's in the Navy and he

comes home tomorrow. I spent

like $1,200 in a

five day period of his money cleared out

the ******* account altogether. Drugs.

All of it. All of it on drugs. No

groceries, no food. Well, I bought some

candy. Mostly crack and heroin.

And I was trying not to shoot up anymore.

because I almost died. I got some really

good ****. Pretty much what happened was

a friend of mine, he gets some really

good dope, so he hands me some. And

actually I called these guys and they

came over and I gave them some. I had a

little bit left. It wasn't enough for two

hits, but it was a littleA little bit

much for one, and I was like, Oh, ****

it, I'm gonna do it anyway, and I almost

died. It was really strong ****.

That was good ****. Wasn't that good ****?

They were trying to wake me up, smacking

me and all kinds of stuff. And when I

woke up the next morning, I started like

crying and screaming. Um,

well, 'cause he left. I mean,

they're back. They're back.

Alright, I'm gonna clear some of this

table up. I'm the slave too, man.

Right there. I've been doing this ****

for four years, man. You wanna go first?

Alright.

You can call me Brad, I don't

give a ****. Yeah, my name is Doom, guys.

That's the magic right there.

Where you want

it?All right,

yeah.

It's a very good dope. I

wish you could feel what I'm feeling

right now. It's the greatest feeling in

the world, man. Like, the words can't

explain it. It's better than sex. I mean,

this is the closest to heaven I will ever

know. God, I love this feeling. It's the

best euphoria there is to be had. Yeah,

without a doubt. Thank you. You're

still lovely.

I will be. Give me some money

and I'll call him.

Oh God, where'd the cotton go?

I'll do some more and probably not out a

little bit. He'll be in and out.

She's sexy as hell. I'm gonna tell you

what, I wish I wish I was still with

Wendy, man. You'd have videotaped us, I

could have told her we wanted to ****

right now up on the roof of this table,

she'd have been all about it. And my

ex-fiance. She got thrown in prison while

we were engaged, man. And she's *******

going through all kind of ********.

******* took her aspirin and she's like,

just **** me in the *** **** me in the

*** and choke me, punch me in the back of

the head. She's in prison. I'm still

madly in love with her. That woman would

do anything for me. It's good

to snort. Oh, she's definitely a capable

guy. I'll tell you what, as soon as she

gets out, get married.

What's up?You want a ride?I just

snorted. I started a cap of heroin. What

kind of beer you want?

Here's one of your four packs.

This

is the song I wrote about Angie once you

die.

That's why I drink.

So?I loved you and that after you

loved it. That's right, I

******** juice. You just loved

it. ******* Kool-Aid.

Perk a bang. We beat the **** out

of her the one night, but her little girl

was awake. Unbaptized fat to make candles

out of her. And fully aware that her

mother's ******* crackhead. I'll smoke

some more. And what I mean, my pupils are

so ******* tiny. I

found her, she was abandoned, little

bitty bitty kitten, and I brought her

head, but she doesn't walk on a leash

anymore. The fact that I do drugs on an

everyday basis. I want to do drugs

Her boyfriend lets him get away with a

lot of **** A lot of **** he lets him get

away with everything And he doesn't do a

******* thing He's a cool guy, but he's

in the Navy Yeah, he's from South Africa

This man is a ******* savior dude

He'd call me and I'd be like I'm sick and

he'd be here in like a half hour with

something if you will That's a true

friend, yeah Oxycontin is a

pharmaceutical heroin Oh yeah, I have a

gold mine of it if you willMy mom's

prescribed it. Just ask my mom

and tell her I'm dope sick. And my mom's

got Legionnaire's disease. Got it.

Dude, one more shot. What a shot, man.

We're using three eggs. Do you have

AIDS of any kind?No. We're

all dope fiends, man. Heroin.

It's all heroin. I'm more than likely

going to pick you again. Okay. I'll call

you.

I don't talk to anybody in my family. Oh

no, brother, believe me. Mother been

telling me she hates me since I was 12

because I remind her of my father. My

father killed himself when I was two. I

never knew my real dad. He put a shotgun

in his mouth for sure. Hey ***** I've

probably done a 10.

I'm the dope man. I can get

anything I want. If it's around here, I

can get it. I've been around for a long

time and I'm well trusted.

Come on.

I'm just not all on earth as he's

human. God is living. Keep up, baby.

Come on, sit

up. Don't fall out on me, man.

Don't fall the **** out.

Are you still here?All right,

stay. Hey!

Hold him up. All right.

Hold him up. You all right, Bob?Keep him

awake.

Hey, Brian, look at him. Let me know

you're all right. He's all right here,

man. He's just really ****** **.

This is my all-time drug of

choice. Oxycontin. I like it better than

heroin. 40 milligrams of

ungodly pleasure. It's

pharmaceutical based. They give it to

cancer patients and people like my mom.

Mommy! Yup.

After everybody left, I went to bed, made

a ******* mistake to do and a couple caps

of dope and knocked the **** out and got

my wallet and all the money I got for

this project pretty much stolen. You

know, it could have been the upstairs or,

you know, could have been Raven, you

know, her damn stuff. It's sad, you know,

because I wanted to use it to get my

teeth fixed and on top of that, my dope

got stolen too, so... I

was pretty ******

I had this friend named Eric remember

Ferret used to live in Glenwood yeah

me and him were selling cocaine I was

dating a girl named Cookie I wasn't 21

yet and I needed to get some beer we went

out to Ocean View for this lady to buy me

beer as soon as I met her I was just like

holy **** she's somehow got a hold of my

number so she came and picked me up she's

like well let's go get some **** and get

high so she calls this guy up you know

we're sitting in this parking lot here I

amyou know, we're waiting on weed or

something, you know, because at that time

I didn't **** with anything. I do coke

every now and then, but uh, in fact it

was heroin. She introduced it to me and

it's just been downhill ever since, man.

Guy came to the car and gave her this bag

full of these little white capsules. I'm

like, What the **** is that?You know?She

was like, Boy. That's another word for

heroin around here. They call it boy.

They call cocaine girl. Why?

I really don't some ******* ignorant turn

that Rastafari ************ Snorted

there one for the first couple months

made her were living in and out of hotels

She always shot up and she didn't want

to be doing it at all So when she went to

bed, I just took her ****. I've seen her

do it enough times So I tried shooting

myself up and I missed she woke up and

she was like you ******* if you want to

do it, right?This is how you do it so

that she shot me I started shooting up

and I've been shootingup like that I used

to shoot right here but you got a movie

theater down there that

is about the **** it yeah sure alcoholic

right here my dad was an alcoholic and

mom's dad was an alcoholic my brother is

a severe alcoholic he's my *******

brother **** I get ******* belligerent I

******* pass out that's this ************

whack this ******* face **** my *******

*** all the ******* time whack my dad's a

Vietnam vet you whooped my ******* ***

mm-hmm quick **** whack that was it grab

me by my hair drove me down the *******

hallwayI told you to take off the *******

track what the ******* gut that ****

******* yeah I was gonna marry her she

was the one I don't know possessor to

******* become so weak to take her own

life man there's been times where I

wanted to die and I've tried it my damn

so I tried OD in and I couldn't even do

that right god I can't even kill myself

right I slept for like two days straight

I think woke up **** all over myself

crazy ************ ************ I mean

************ **** and I love doing it but

I hate it justJust as much as I love

doing it. I sometimes think I'm never

gonna stop.

She had just lost her kid. She had a

little girl. She had lost custody of her.

It killed her because she loved that

little girl with everything in her. Are

you married before some dude?Yeah, this

crackhead coke cream guy. I beat the ****

out of him in a church parking lot one

day. It was Easter and her father made a

******* mistake to make a comment about

Angie. And I beat the ******* **** out of

him in front of his daughter, which I

still feel bad for. In the church parking

lot?Yeah. ******* was kicking him into

space, you know, a lot of spaces on the

ground. I'll pick up aand batch your

******* head and she kept telling me to

stop she don't want to see her daddy get

his *** beat but that's what happened she

just was crying I'll never forget those

cries man I still hear him sometimes

screaming stop hurting my daddy stop

hurting my daddy but you know but you can

stop no once I'm in that rage man

it's I'm gonna ******* kill him

hi mommy what are you doing I'll be

over there in a little while but yeah

hello oh hey baby hey

hanging out. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I cannot wait until you get back. I

love you. You know I love you. You've

just been driving me ******* nuts. It

really drives me crazy. All right, baby.

Bye. Okay.

I'm the man in the relationship. No

********. I'm in

control. Hey, baby.

About as good as I can be. Just

being me. Shoot up.

The other day it was kind of funny

because some guy cut my throat,

so... They're

just drinking, you know, being drunk and

there's a knife against my throat.

Oh my god, does it really matter?Oh, I

don't know, I just met him that night

actually. He's an alright guy though.

Yeah, I'm a pretty boring guy. All I do

is listen to black men and read books.

Just all the darkness.

That's about it. Shapeless evil.

The wrath of Satan. Any wrong that you

can do against humanity, be

it rape, murder, shooting dope,

anything that can damage the human race,

bring it further towards itsannihilation.

black metal is not something like I don't

know I look at it in a whole different

way like I used to be a maniac about it

like everyone else is like you

know but I just gave away my whole

collection why cuz I don't

want material possessions anymore that

and I don't need it to prove my worth I

know exactly where I stand

nowhere

Nowhere. I'm not. I'm not. I'm

not. I love you too. Bye.

Hello. Hello. Hello. Nothing, that's

about it. Just nothing. I think I'm going

to die soon, pretty much. Yeah.

Bored. Completely bored with life. The

only thing that really puts a smile on my

face is putting poison in my veins. I'll

probably OD something, something that

leaves my face good so I can have an open

casket funeral. Something different,

going to a different place. I mean,

there's really nothing, no reason for me

to be sad whatsoever, but I am. I always

have been. I'm just naturally down.

That's why I got into black metal. Yeah,

I mean, it found me. I didn't go out

looking for it. It just appeared. Impaled

Nazareth. First tape I got was

Toll Corp Norris Norris Norris.

It's one of the sickest albums ever. You

did it. It's nobody's ******* fault that

you're in. like people say that like oh I

had a horrible childhood and blah blah

blah and this is why I you know what I

had a wonderful ******* childhood you did

I had a great childhood very happy family

blah blah blah blah all that fun ********

but you know what I still turned out to

be as ****** ** as I am now it's nobody's

fault but my own I did it myself

you know what I'm saying you agree with

that yeah but your childhood your

childhood was fine yeah I guess that it's

just naturally there

Always has been.

I think it's probably, I don't know. I

was introduced to death at a pretty young

age, like firsthand. My

dad killed himself like 10

feet away from me. What did I do?No, what

did your dad do?Shot himself in the head.

Like he had cancer and he only had like a

week to live and there's a lot of

suffering and pain. So I watched him

die for about a year or two. By the time

he did it, he looked like nothing but a

skeleton, literally. The only thing that

had any kind of weight was his big ***

tumor in his stomach. Like a tumor with

arms and legs. He's pretty ******

**.

If you're in that much pain, I don't

know. You've got the right to take your

own life. That's a good idea.

Why live if you're not really living?

I was born at Virginia Beach General

Hospital. Like, I was molested when I was

a little girl, so I've never met my

biological father. I don't even know what

he looks like. And then she met this

guy and married him. And

he was great to her, really in love with

her, but he hated me. He hated you?He

hated me. The only time that me and him

ever spent together was when I'd get out

of the bath. When I was a little girl, I

had real long hair. And I'd get out of

the bath and he'd braid my hair. He'd

brush my hair and braid my hair. That was

the only time we ever spent together. He

called me fat, he'd tell me I was ugly,

and he knew that I was stupid. Like, I

remember when I was a little girl,

like, he played with me and stuff, you

know?And one night he was playing with me

and I was on the floor and he was on top

of me and he was tickling me. But I don't

remember any of it. You don't remember it?

I don't remember it at all. 'Cause I

don't do funerals. Like,

I deal with death by avoiding it.

Yeah, 'cause I'm the **** **. I'm the

biggest **** ** out of all of them. Out

of all of them?Out of all. You know, I

got pregnant when I was 15,

and then I got pregnant again when I was

17. Well, I met him when I was about

11. I lost my virginity when I was 12.

There was this guy, and

last time I checked, he was a crack kid.

Um, well, recently I haven't been seeing

him that much because I'm high all the

time, and I don't want to be around my

kids when I'm high.

And your mom's cool with looking after

them?She's got custody of them. She

pretty much took custody of them

from me. She actually told someone

that maybe she can do

right with them, or she didn't with me.

What do you think about that?

I think that if they're going to turn out

to be as ****** ** as I am, it's just

going to happen. You know, some people

are ****** ** because of things that

happen to them. But for the most part,

it's all in their own accord.

It really is. Even if they don't even

really understand why, like...

Hey, baby.

Baby, hang on a second, okay?

Hello?Bye. Hey, baby. I

lost you. Squirm for me, girl.

Squirm for me.

I'm ******! *******

cop following us, man. That

made me nervous. Follow?Just had me

nervous as a *****. No, because we just

haven't had the cop following us, man. He

follows us all the way until we, like, go

past and pull into the parking lot. Like,

they got a bunch of narcotics on me.

Cut a piece off. Like, right there.

Burn it. That's all you gotta do. Burn it

so you don't see gold.

Crack is mental withdrawals. Yeah, it has

severe repercussions. I took the knife

from her to keep her from killing

herself, but I commenced to whipping her

***. So, I lost my house. Well, she has

marks on her. She just told you she was

trying to kill herself. Let her hack

herself the **** **! I've lost

everything I own. I've only been married

once, and I have two kids by her. While I

was gone, pending the court case, she

sold everything I own. Everything.

So I've lost everything in the

last couple of months. And I have no

body. I mean, really, I have no body.

Get your elbow up my asthma.

Stop it!

Told you to stop it! Hello rabbit,

how are you feeling?I'm

feeling good. I wasn't sure. It

was good. It was good?Yeah. We shot a

bunny rabbit with a nail gun. We threw

him right on the grill.

He ****** that up. I ****** well up. I

was *******?Because I was ******* your

friend?Because we still ****** while I

was ******* your friend.

Yeah, I used to

have that **** on mine.

Come on.

It's an allergic reaction. That's why you

itch from it. My legs were actually

bruised from scratching it. Did you

get scratching it a little bit?No, I was

scratching it. How often do you smoke

crack?Just about every day.

I used to be a crackhead. It's fun to do.

The act of smoking crack is fun. As

you will see later. I enjoy it. Yeah.

Everyone's got their own technique as,

you know, how they do it. I get really

hyper and, like, wanting to kill somebody

and I smoke crack. I mean, I've done some

crack that's hardly done anything, and

I've done some crack that's made mevomit.

And I was locked up with her too. When I

was in TDH, Tidewater Detention Home, I

kept ******* up while I was on probation.

I kept ******* up. I had like 5

violations. I got pops with coke in my

**** and I didn't get my GED, and I

didn't do this, and

didn't do that. Hello?milligrams of

morphine. Xanax.

Damn near killed a kid. I gave him a

concussion. I broke four of his ribs, 30

some stitches in his face. He almost

drowned, man, because of Xanax. I *******

knotted out in a bowl of cereal, man. My

mom had to pull me ******* out. I had

long *** dreads at the time. I remember

****. Big *** bowl of cereal, man. Trying

to intentionally kill myself. I felt

pathetic. Dad, are you going to want to

get any more dope tonight?I was just

asking if you were going to want to get

more. I was blacked out

from eating Xanax. They told me that I

should have died. I was blacked out. I

used to pop pills. I was prescribed

Trileptol. Tegretol bipolar. It was

making me hallucinate to see people

walking through the wall. I was *******

dope sick. I started hallucinating. And

you'll swear it's real. I mean, they look

like they're there. I've never, ever seen

anything like that. Trileptol, Steroquil,

and trazone. Uh-huh. 50 milligrams of

trazone. described me in the 100s and he

told me to take as many... Because you

were kicking dope?No. He was threatening

me, nightmares and stuff. He had people

following me. He would sit outside my

window while I was asleep and watch me

sleep. And I didn't get high. I was...

And I was sick prior to doing the two

caps that I did. I'm going to do those

other two caps because I want to get

high. She came to my house when I got

back together, planned on getting

married. She said she needed money to go

get a dress. Gave her $500 and she

bounced with my money. She used that

money so she could get back to West

Virginia to be with her baby's dad. Do

you realize that you raped me last night?

If you leave me, I'm going to kill you.

I'm going to kill you. So I'm going to

kill you. I knew he could hurt me. I was

afraid of him.

How many kids you got, bro?I got 2. Uh

huh. My son's eight and my daughter's

four. Where they at?With their mom.

Actually, right now, I can't see

them. Actually, my mother,

I told you she's real ****** **. Yeah.

But she has my son and

won't let me see him. You know what I

mean?They moved and didn't tell me where

they moved to. No, my mother went into

court and lied and took my son

from me. No, I didn't want her

having anything to do with my son, 'cause

I didn't want her ******* him up like she

did me. And now she is, anyway. Well,

he seems like he's happy, but it's not

right, you know what I'm saying?That's my

boy. I mean, he looks just like me. I

mean, exactly.

I'm Raven's sportsman, Mark Dykel.

And how long have you guys been together

for?Let's see, a year and

eight months. And you don't do any drugs?

No. What do you think about Raven's drug

use?I don't like it. I don't like what it

does to her, physically and emotionally.

Raven has two kids. She loves her kids

more than life itself. But

I just hate the fact that what she does

and, you know, how it impacts

her relationship with her kids. I mean,

we fight about it all the time. I tell

her that, you know, she needs to stop,

because when we first met, she was clean.

She'd been clean a week, and then we met,

and we got together. And she

was, one day she just dropped, you know,

Do you mind if I smoked little crack?And

I didn't know a thing about drugs. I was

like, you know, okay, yeah. Little did I

know that, you know, a year and whatever

lately now she's doing heroin and stuff,

you know. I was working there part-time

trying to pay for my divorce. And

she came in one day and I think, wow, you

know. We spent about every single day

when I'm known out to see, we spent every

day together. She was real sick and I

hate seeing her sick. I tell her, I'm not

buying you drugs. I'm not spending my

money on your drugs 'cause it's just...

I took her to the emergency room twice

and it cost me $1,700 each time 'cause I

hate to say it, but that timeI just took

my guitar and I pawned it over 40 bucks,

gave her the money and she went and got

well. Next day, same thing.

all right that's what I'm saying same

thing pulling so much stuff I have my DVD

player and my TV we pulling that off you

need it all for revenue yes uh you

wouldn't believe the stuff I've done for

her I would

it's again this ABC long Virginia I get

in trouble but I can't help it when I get

into this like I be

dancing like ******** like crazy

It's so much more, it's so hard to

explain, man. It's more than just a genre

of music, you know?More than just a

lifestyle, you know?I live and *******

breathe black metal. I mean, black

metal's foremost should be about Satan.

It is, you know, its roots are founded on

Satanism. Black metal vocals are the

sickest, just high-pitched shrieks, you

know, screaming, you know, **** all that

guttural ********. A band called Bathory

started the whole high-pitched, you know,

shrieking ****. Yeah, Bathory was the

**** man. The singer of Bathory, he died

two years ago. He ******* died. Bathory

was so way ahead of his time. Their first

three albums were real raw, grim-ass

******* you know, old-school black metal,

and then after that, theywent on this

whole Viking thing, which is cool

because people from Sweden, Norway,

all about Odin, Norse mythology and ****.

You don't just become a Satanist or

anything, man. It's either ******* born

in you or it's not. You're not gonna know

when you're a kid if you're a Satanist or

not. I'm just saying, you just become

awakened one day. That ******* cloak do

what thou wilt shall be the whole of the

law. That's the way it should be. Don't

deny your basic primitive human *******.

Although I do,believe in a higher power,

something had to ******* create all this

********. I'd much rather ******* burn

for eternity than to be up there doing

******* push-ups. This is the way Satan

works. This is exactly how Satan works.

they never hold a raven and she and he

just say it's Satan it

manipulates your mind it leads you it

turns you against God Satan isn't here to

bring you to him Satan's job is just to

make you believe that there is no God he

could care less if you believe in him as

long as you don't believe in God brad and

raven it's Satan's work that's Satan at

work Satan is looking at what his work

with raven and brad and smiling I'm doing

this because I feel like I'm indulging

If it feels good, do it. My belief is

that y'all are just living a dream, man.

This is nothing but a dream. When you

die, you wake up. This is hell. And we

all unite. This is hell. This right here,

this is ****** ** man. This ain't

nothing. Man, this ******* ********. Just

a nightmare dream, dude. We all wake up

one day. That's what we're up with this

****. I wish

my parents, my parents were three months

before I was late.

Yeah, close it here. ******* cop, man. I

hate a ************ in the uniform.

Uh-huh. If you're an 89, come

here. Try to get away from the real

phone. Five, senior cousin.

You better hope he never walks out the

gates of the prisons. In the last 11, 12

years he's been one. For what?

All

right, let's do that, bro.

This is the perils of druggies.

Oh yeah, you wanna see something real

****** **?Yeah,

scary ****. Y'all ready?Yeah, man. Here

it comes.

Look at

that one. I could slit a newborn's throat

with them.

Once a junkie, always a junkie. I am

proof of that.

I have an abscess in my armpit.

That's the drug that's coming out of my

body. That's where it comes out. It's

gonna form a, um... It's

gonna form like a head, and it's gonna

burst. When you mist, and it doesn't go

into your vein, it's just, it's kind of

floating around on your ******* skin. It

has to come out somehow, and well, that's

how it comes out, like, fun.

I really do love crack. I like crack a

lot. I form a...

very special bond with all of my crack

dealers. Like my one dude, BJ,

he looks out for me and he makes

sure that, you know, that I'm okay. And

he, see, my mom

was Miss Tidewater Go-Go,

1979. She

used to be a go-go dancer. She lives

actually right up the street, but she

don't dance no more. Do you talk to her?

She's my mommy. I mean, she's a *******

*****. You know what?When I kicked,

I got more praise from my dope

dealers than I did from my own

mother. She's a *****. It's like

this, okay?No matter what I do,

I could've done it better. Um, actually,

uh, I don't know my biological father.

She, when I was a little girl, she told

me that, um,My daddy

was an oyster. Yes,

I can show this to all your friends when

you grow up. We're all exposed. You

didn't live with any exposed. It's not

funny. I'm not wrong.

I like the people that are all chapped.

Yeah, you got that little bit of crack

taste with that little bit of camel, like

that hint of dope.

Like one time, oh, you want to hear a

really great story. I got the dope.

Everybody said this bear that man left me

except for Brad. Like they pretty much

left me right. What's up?

Hey dude. I told him I give him like 30,

40 bucks. I'll be back in a momento.

I don't even know Spanish.

I made a ******* mistake to start *******

her, but I only did it because I got a

cell phone out of the deal. She wanted me

to be her security. And she's like, yeah,

I'll pay you. And she gave me like 10

bucks one night. She's a ******* gutter

****. She's a prostitute. She ***** me.

***** me for ******* money. Like good

amount too. She charges too hungry.

Oh, sorry about the door. I'm swinging to

the dog. Who's talking about me?We were

just talking about you. Oh, what'd you

say?You got some cool *** tattoos. Show

me your tattoo. **** yeah, you.

Oh, you want to see my other one?Yeah.

All right. Check this **** out.

Darn. What is that?This

is my new one. It's a, it's a yellow

bird. Like, this fan like Bryce,

he talks about yellow birds, but my

version is a human heart. Oh, really like

that. With a skull in it. And like flame

wings and **** that says misery. He's

flying over misery. 'Cause I always want

misery in my pocket. You know,

I beat the **** out of people and do 'em

in the *** and like hurt 'em and ah,

I **** 'em, shoot 'em. Anything nastier

like, you know, all them things you

wanted to do to people. Yeah, I was doing

****** ** ****. Trying to like 500 and

******* in his ***. Call myself

dumbnatrix. But you know, it's

self-proclaimed because I mean, I got my

*** kicked enough back in the day and I

could handle pain or any ************ I

think. I'm gonna get so much play. I met

Brad and like he always talked to me all

happy like, but he hates everybody. So

yeah, I guess we're friends.

She came to my crib and I was just like,

you know, I'm gonna ****. I'd wait in the

car while she did her thing. We used to

go to this truck stop right up here, ****

some dude in there and spin her a harder

and catch on. Crack cocaine. No,

I beat the **** out of a guy in a truck.

Black lizards, the hookers at the truck

stop. Yeah, that's what he told me. It

was like wild lizards. ***** I'm in every

trailer parked in here, man. I've opened

the Derby Run, yeah, that's the white

crackhead. We crawl on each other's city.

I've been in that one they tore down on

Halloween, we were supposed to burn. I

never did this until I went on the

internet, man. I get shy dudes in credit

cards. I'll break your shiners quit. Even

I'm like, okay, all right, let's do this.

****. I grew up on the street and in

crappy little everywhere. I've never

lived in a place for more than three

months. Yeah. And she got a mall,

yo. The

movie's got parasites in

it. Yeah. Okay, what they are is, it's a

parasite. They're little, you see these

little, all of these, like see all these

little guys here?And like, basically, I'm

pretty positive that I got them from

YouTube. What the ****?You

got a needle. You got a needle. It's got

germs on it. I'm not a doctor. Are they

eating away at your skin or some ****?

Yeah. They're like this. You gotta have a

space to get in. Wait, let me get closer.

******* diaper and she just put it in a

mic. I was in West Virginia. We went to

this ******* cemetery. It was like a

family owned one in the middle of that

way. And we dug this ******* body up. We

needed a left hand and it was a woman.

And when we ******* dug it up, it was

like, just ****** me all up because the

smell was so horrible and it took us

forever to do it. Was that she added a

fresh dead person, dude?Oh, my

friend?Yes. This

older man and

he has like dough andThere's these

chicks and he wants chicks to like

play. He's into, what is it, bestiality

and all that and ***** stuff. He cops

all these drugs and these girls come over

and I mean, he's got some low budget

chicks at the moment, you know, just

straight. I'll smoke all your **** and

tease you, you know. How old are they?All

kinds of ages. How old is he?He's like at

least... 65-ish, I think.

I'm pretty much his pep school

instructor. You know, I'm teaching him

like, if you have one 8-ball, you have

two chicks come over and it's gone and

you didn't even get but two seconds of a

lick that sucks. You know what I mean?

Yeah, but see, he doesn't understand.

Okay, an ugly dude, right?He knows he's

ugly, so he's gonna... talk to *******.

Like, do you see what I'm saying?Like,

you don't know how to get what you want

and how you are. He listened to me a lot

and I'm teaching him all these words and

****. And he, you know, he's getting

really good at the lingo and ****. This

is a really great dude. Cause I mean,

he looks out for me. You know, I've had

some more times lately. I'd probably be

dead now if I'm looking for him. I taught

him this other thing. More or less the

lines on how to dominate the situation.

you look uh cuz pretty much explaining

the fact look in the in this world of

drugs um you know what the **** the

******* want come the hell on they're

crack hoes and look they're trying to

get whatever they can for nothing all

right and if you don't come out and know

that you know what I'm sayingThen you're

gonna get ran the **** over. You tell

them what to do. So I was like, man,

look, take control. We brought this one

chick over and she was my first test for

him. I mean, as far as me helping the

situation, she's brand new. When I come

over, you have a set price. Like, when I

go to calls, it's business.

You have your door fee money up front.

Figure out what you want, if I'm charging

you, I shouldn't take that ****. And you

know, pay it up, then I'm gonna do my

job, right?Okay, if you pay the *****

you know, freely, she's not gonna do

anything. So, I was like, Look, so what

are you trying to pay the ***** and what

do you want?You want it dead?I'm like,

Alright, let me take care of this. Have a

40 bag ready, and already bagged

up. Have one hit for her when she gets

here, and let me take care of the rest.

So the girl gets there, and I'm like,

What's good, you know?I'm good with

ladies. And then ******* I'm like, How

you doing, da-da, you're hot, this and

that. I'm like, Look, this is a lowdown,

dude. That's my friend here, you know,

like family, look. And I know what

you're here for and you like smoking, but

I'm gonna be real with you, you know.

Look, these ******* run through 'em and

they don't do ****. Look, the man will

pay you very good. But the fact is he has

certain needs. He doesn't just do this to

watch ******* smoke crack. I mean, you

know, nobody does. And I'm

like, Look, um, what are you down for?I

mean, you could play with me in front of

him. You could, you know what I'm saying,

do all this. She's like, I'm not gay, but

I think I would be for you. Like, that's

how good it was. Well, do you **** ****?

She's like, Yeah. I'm

like, Great. Pull out the bag. You know,

always show them what they want. I'm

like, Look, this is what you'll be paid.

Of course, that's gonna make it better,

right?'Cause he does it the whole, you

know, questionably way. You

know, I was like, You're not gonna touch

this ****. I'm tired, you're done. You

don't spend your money before you make

it. Right?And, um...

You can have this hip right here. I gave

her another. And then we'll get

to work. And, uh,

she's like, Great, da, da, da, I love how

you're so blunt and this and that. Well,

so I said, give her that hint. Send the

***** to work. Sitting there sucking a

***** ****. Two eights. Two eights.

Sitting there sucking a ***** ****. Like

a little pro champion *****. She was a

good one. You know what I'm saying?She

was done. Gave her a **** and a little

done of weed. She wanted some money for

cigarettes and she left. Now, it took

about maybe 45 minutes for

that. She didn't sit and smoke all that

****. She has something to go home with.

For those, like all these girls who try

and act, they're not ****** and this and

that, like he should pay them just to sit

there. He's an old dude and he has heart

problems, man. They would knock on his

windows all night, like making his ****

hot. He has a, look, he's very high

ranked, man, as far as a lot of things,

I'm not gonna talk about it, you know,

but he's done a lot in his

life for a lot of people, you know,

and it's ****** **. Because

And look, and they be making him feel bad

for ****. You know what I'm saying?Like,

feeling guilty for that. I'm like, *****

you better start yelling at these

*************. Kick them ******* in line,

you know?You know what I'm saying?You

tell that ***** to get down on the floor

and ******* **** herself, you know?

And then get up on **** **** and suck it,

or she ain't getting ****. You know what

I'm saying?**** that, dude. You know what

I'm saying?You're in control, you have

the ******* drugs. We all know that

******* are sucking on your ***** for one

******* reason. They don't like you. They

act like they're your friend. They want

to cook you food and all. That's just for

them not having to do something. It's

like fluff, man. Everyone's about fluff.

It's like the world's about fluff, dude.

It's ********. It's like I hate living.

You're right. And that's when I say to

you certain things you learn in life and

realize that you should say you can't

kick. That's why my only plan in

life is to get rich. So I can sit in

a mansion on the hill until I wanna ****

***. And if I want a drug habit, then I'm

gonna cop it. Like, serious one, cause

one reason. ***** if you're gonna do

something, you can do it right. I ain't

no small time ***** if I'm gonna cop a

drug habit, I'm not gonna be scrounging

from my 20s, *****. I'm gonna

******* have enough to kill myself.

Like the guy from Ribon, he had the

funds.

Yeah, well, this is what crack does.

Kicking, it just prolongs your sickness.

Crack, it speeds up your metabolism. When

you smoke the crack, it pushes out of

your system faster. You feel more sick,

but it does actually get it out of your

system faster. Well, I don't just do

crack or do air.

I do whatever the **** I'm getting,

*****. No, I just like being ****** **

dude. It's a choice. ******* *** I do

have a lucigen freak. Old school to the

core of that ****. Will make you a

******* crazy. It's probably the reason

why I think of all these crazy theories

But it opens your mind the reality of a

lot of things 9% of things don't matter

all the rules they like I was just keep

us in control like religion all that

going to work ****. It's just another

reason for Total anarchy to not be here

because people's lower followers. They

need something to believe in Same reason

why alcoholics fall into God, dude There

are a lot of people who commit suicide

and 90% of those people do it because

they're weak me. I know howI'm gonna die.

I'm gonna take my own life. Save myself

the ******* trouble, having to ******* be

old and decrepit. I won't have the

strength to hang myself. And

if I... I mean, look at me, I'm a little

girl.

You know what?It doesn't make things go

away. You just don't

feel them. They're still there. You just

don't feel them. I do drugs. It's my

self-medication. It makes me feel better.

Does it work?24 pills a day. I guess.

And that's what I'm not taking.

One day I'll learn how to shoot myself.

I'm about to shoot some oxycrotton. I got

these for my mom.

We saying I have this girl named Bina.

She was a straight-up crack horse. Girl

used to **** **** everything for crack,

like 10 bucks, like... I ****** her.

She's got the ugliest ***** I've ever

****** with. Yeah, that **** is *******

nasty. It looks like it's gonna bite you.

Her son, a roach crawled into his ear and

died and he had to go to the hospital

because a ******* cockroach died into his

ear. His ear hurt. Yeah, she's a raunchy,

nasty hoe too. She has a crazy

girlfriend, that like...

What are you?Like you

need a pole. I would not dance, but run

it off, dude. I can feel your rose. You

look like a Jew that came out of the

concentration camp, okay?I'm

sorry, dude,

I'm sorry. I'm not

This **** is so

much better than heroin. Take

this. Okay, are you gonna be okay?Yeah.

Unfortunately, Brad's the

only person who's allowed to die in my

apartment and not get thrown at a

dumpster.

Lab created heroin, and it's-- What's the

heroin?The pain never goes away.

Yeah, and you take it off at one time?And

love you. And you can wear it

out. It's sickness, man. When you get

addicted to opiates, it's more than just

an addiction. I just hope that one day.

You want to kill me?Cotton candy clap.

***** don't even make me regulate this

****. You forgot who the **** I am,

************. And I'm out of *******

misery, *****. I'll learn you like my

daddy learned you. I'll learn you in the

face with my little ************. And it

is eight inches. I'll ******* I'll

punch you in the ******* uterus.

See you all until you're about to die.

It's the best way to smoke crack. I've

been drinking a lot. Oh yeah, I'm working

with a little bit of something. Give me a

**** done ***. Quitters are quitters,

*****. I'm an enthusiast.

**** right!

Shoot some whiskey. That's a

tribute to Angie.

Shoot me. I'll do all your *************

drugs, ***** so you don't have to worry

about thinking about having a *******

feeling that you could. I don't know that

that's a friend, dude. Give me your head,

my boy. Yeah, you do. If you

******* pierce my jugular,

remember, who saved you?That's the

only thing that's who killed you, *****.

That would be a funny one. This is making

me kind

of hard.

What burns are you?Sure.

My work is done.

Oh. Really, baby,

would

come... Don't burn

these *************.

Grab my cup.

We don't get us wrong when I crack heads

or anything

Back when I first started using dub I met

this really old cat he goes by the name

of cat Paul and he's like60-something

years old, really cool *** black dude,

really the only black dude I **** with.

He gets me dope, and he's a fiend

himself, but he's like a dad to me. I've

known him for a long *** time, so we went

through him. He taught me the whole game.

When I sold heroin, it'd always go

through him. I mean like a dad,

he bought me up and just raised me in the

whole dope game. He taught me everything,

how to weigh it, how to put cut in it,

and plus when Angie was still alive, he

was her hookup. Been in the

Navy almost 27 years. Originally, I

liked the, I like to

travel. Yeah. I like to get out to sea. I

know what I'm doing out to sea. The hard

part now is being away. I'm done

traveling. I've seen everything I want to

see. I'm from the hills of West Virginia.

I worked at the coal mines before I came

to the Navy. And I thought, well, come

out of that hole one day. I just ain't

going back. I ain't going back in this

hole. Did you guys get along when he was

growing up and stuff?I wasn't here a

whole lot. Yeah.

Thing it was, when I, my wife would

raise him most of the time. When I'd come

back home, then I would try to buy that

love back or buy that time I missed back

by just giving, giving, giving. And,

you know, we didn't, we didn't see eye to

eye on a lot of things. Then when he got

a teenager, we really started

getting at each other. Yeah.

I know Brad. Brad's into a lot of things.

I know Brad's into drugs and everything

else. I've done everything I can to help

him that I possibly could. Like I said, I

did everything I could for him. No matter

what Brad does and how things go, he's

still my son. I mean, he is still my son.

And I'll always love him for

that. But don't mean I gotta like

him. I pretty much cut most of the

strings with him. I try to help him out

when I can, when I can do. And

the last time we had our knockdown drag

out, I told him, I said, when he was

clean for a year and

had a job and doing the stuff that he's

capable of doing, which he's capable of

doing. Then he can come back and we can

start all over again. Until then, until I

know he's clean, I can't deal with him.

We wanted to get married, get clean,

and raise our daughter, and maybe have

kids of our own. I loved her daughter. I

still do to this day. We had both went to

rehab and everything, and

she lost her daughter. Like a couple

weeks prior to that, we were trying to

battle to keep custody of her. And while

she was in rehab, she pretty much lost

her. She knew she was going to lose her.

A lawyer contacted her. told her that

she didn't have a chance in hell so

I got out of rehab and put my own money

up to put Angie in a really good one out

in Newport News and because at

that time we had a pregnancy scare and I

thought she was pregnant and so you know

I wanted her to have the best rehab to

get off of it to get the best help she

could get because I was done with it you

know and I wanted her to be done with it

if we were gonna make it work you know and

the night she got out you know I had

everything set up for her at my house you

know she was coming to move back in you

know and everything and uh I'm sitting

there waiting and waiting and waiting you

know and just waiting about two

hours later I get a call from her mom

saying that they found her in Portsmouth

behind the shooting range you know with

the needle still in her arm and she had

OD'd off heroin so she

just got out of rehab that night so

the way I see itshe was dead set on

doing it you know our main hookups were

out in Newport News and Portsmouth

Portsmouth is where we got our rawl at

which is what she OD'd off of which is

the **** I'm doing right now you know

uh and you shoot up one cap of

raw just even a half a cap that's gonna

**** you up you shoot three ******* caps

of raw dude you're asking to OD you know

and uh it's dope

centralIt's an abandoned, it used to be a

pawn shop slash shooting range where

people could go in and pay to shoot guns

out back. And she

met a guy named Doc back there

and

scored three or four caps. I blacked out

when I found out about it and her mom

came and picked me up. We went out there,

found her, I saw her put her in, you

know, and they put her in a body bag,

everything, man, you know?

And we can't identify her body and ****

and make sure it was her. But I don't

know.

The paramedics explained to me that she

was three to four months

pregnant at the time of her death.

And the baby died, you know.

A lethal shot like that, a dope, you know

what I'm saying?And then, you know, who

knows what else she had in her system,

you know?There's no telling. It was a

double funeral for my unborn

child and Angie.

It's a horrible thing. I am pregnant.

This guy,Well, I've

been on birth control for like a long

time now. See, the thing is, I've been

pregnant one time for 17. I have

nothing, I have no family, I have nobody.

It's all me. I don't trust anybody this

and that. Due to all this, I'm very

void and distant from people. Completely

not, like, don't give a **** like... And

in those moves, it's scary. I'm trying to

have an abortion. I have to give money. I

don't even know how far along I am

because... Like, when I found out, the

dude went to jail. It's like *******

600 bucks total. I'm kind of screwed at

the moment. I mean, he really broke me

down when I first got pregnant. Like,

called me a drug addict, this and that.

And I told him I'd go crazy and be mad

depressed. And he promised one day I'm

gonna ******* take care of me. It's like

two months or things. I

need you to sit really still. Really

still.

Birds,

Oh yeah.

These are my beautiful baby boys.

And they're my babies. I love them

to death. I had Patrick when I was

16. My mom kind of scammed me

into giving her custody of him. And

then she pretty much did the same thing

with Liam when he was born.

And I didn't used to do drugs all the

time. I used to be a

full-time mommy.

That was all I did. My

mother thought she could do a

better job raising my children.

And once I didn't have them,

I didn't... There wasn't really any

reason not to **** **.

Oh.

**** it.

Wow.

Mark, what's the difference between a

pizza and a chip?A pizza

doesn't scrape when you

put it in the oven.

Holy ****. It's the same as it has been

all night, but I just did more than I had

been. I had to recap.

Is that more than you would usually

have?Yeah. I hate your face. Yeah, see

that baby ground. I'm gonna

call it arterial skirting.

We need our arms. We're trying

to get all roads.

Oh

no.

Oh, lovely, Raven. What's wrong?Nothing.

No, Mummy gave me a pamphlet. That's

Raven. This pamphlet.

She doesn't have a pamphlet. No?No.

My heart's not gonna be right when I die.

in my heart. I ain't going to, I'll be

going downstairs, not upstairs, you know

what I'm saying?So I gotta get this made

right. Even if it's just to tell him what

I think of him, so. What would you tell

him?

What would I tell him?I'd

probably ask him why. He did

to two little girls, the things that he

did. Three and four year old kids

shouldn't remember stuff like this.

And this is really bad

of him teaching my

cousin how to sexually abuse me and

my sister. What

kind of father does that?You know, when

you take a three or four year old kid,

they don't really know what's happening

to him until it's almost over with, you

know what I'm saying?And that's how he

got his kicks.

He would sit down and make me and my

sister sit in front of him and he would

play the guitar for real

slow, just strum it and strum it

and strum it. Just the same chord

over and over. And me and my

sister, we both would swear to each

other, we're not gonna cry, we're not

gonna cry, we're gonna be strong. We'd

hold hands. Usually it was downstairs or

something like that in the basement or

something like that, no lights and stuff

like that, you know, that was,in a

little box that me and my sister, we

always had these little boxes inside of

us that we would put those bad things in,

you know. Little girls do silly things

like that. Nobody helps. They

wanted to cut the machines off. My

husband says, Well, you unplug her.

He says, I've seen you in hell. Nobody

unplug me, it's a good thing 'cause I was

waking upfew weeks later, but

this time I was paralyzed. All you

can do is look and hope, because you can

still feel, but you're

paralyzed. You can't speak,

and the tears would come out floating,

and in blackness. There was no light, no

nothing, blackness. There

was a butterfly at one time, you know,

just looking in darkness.

I was in labor five days with that boy.

He was trying to come out his shoulder

first. I almost died with that baby. Me

and him both almost died. He would have

broke his neck and it would have killed

me too. So I had a C-section. I had a

temperature I think of 106

and put me on a bit of ice. He was a very

happy kid. He was proud of his dad.

Dad wasn't always there. But

they were... They didn't

start... The void didn't

come until...

I still blame myself and I will always

blame myself. I

know he was experimenting.

I got ill and I brought the medicine in

the house. It was mine. It

still come from me and...

He was taking it from me and no matter

what I did, I couldn't keep him out of

it. Tox actually was, to me, I thought

was my choice of driving in the beginning

because it, you know, it gave me that hit

real quick and it took the pain away. And

from Tilox, it just gradually went from

Tilox to Darvasat, from Darvasat to

Demeron, from Demeron, you know, just

keeps going up until you're on the most

hardest stuff and there's 991, you know

what I'm saying?What's the hardest stuff?

the synthetic heroin. There's nothing

no harder than that, you know?What's that

called though?Fentanyl. Yeah, that's what

these are. Where are they at?There they

are. These are 75 milligram

patches. I was taking the fentanyl

lollipops and that was

actually the ones that was affecting my

sleep often, causing my sleep often

really to be nasty. When I was on the

meds, I was hurting myself, I stabbed

myself in the head one time with

scissors. almost bled to death there was

a pair of scissors on the sink and I

guess who knows why there's no

answers I just remember waking up and my

head was down and I licked the floor was

covered saturated and I mean saturated in

blood and I'm covered in blood and I'm

looking arms and I didn't think but I

noticed I'm seeing foggy you know my

vein and I felt my head and it was

crunchy and I stabbed myself

twice see you have all these little teeny

veins in your head, they're bleeders.

Brad, when I would catch him

stealing my drugs, he was

really genuinely sorry. He would

try so hard not to.

And I hate myself, that's why I hate him.

Why?I don't understand.

He did try so hard.

He didn't want to hurt me. He wasn't

trying to hurt me. He was

just trying to make himself, you know

what I'm saying, get rid of the pain

that he was having from not having it,

you know, the withdrawal.

And I'll be honest with you, I tried to

help him so many times, come down off of

it easy, and my bad parent

for doing that. I tried to wean him off

of it. Some people would have known that,

they would have told they could have put

me in jail for that, you know that?And I

love him.

I would do anything for him and see him

and my husband.

I wish I could take his habit and put it

in my body. No

way he wouldn't have it no longer.

When he turned 18,

he started dating women with drug

problems and also had

illnesses and

I was older than him. Lots older than

him. He was trying to

get another mom or recreate another

mom, but he still had

me. That's what I don't understand iswhy.

Because he's got, I won't let him die.

I won't let him die. I can't let him die.

We're gonna die anyway. There's not so

much wanting to die. Yeah. Just knowing

it's gonna happen. We're gonna die

anything one day. Uh,

Chris. What happened to Chris?He's

dead. Yeah.

He's dead.

I'm gonna go over Raven, tell us over

Raven. Uh, she's dead

too.

She looked pretty dead.

I just don't care. Neither do I.

Nobody likes to see their people that are

close to them destroy themselves.

That's why I don't have friends anymore.

They'll see me. Well, I got rid of a lot

of my friends. None of my friends got rid

of me. I

really because I didn't want to get the

hassle because then every time I hang out

with them so I just saved them and myself

a bunch of ******** drama. Yeah. ****

them. Yeah, exactly. ****

them. They're not going to

help me out. I damn sure ain't going out

with them now. I don't like having a

bunch of them. He's my friend. Yeah.

That's your friend?Yeah. Is

that a good friend?Well, this one?Yeah.

It's not bad.

You want this?How much is in it?

I don't know. Let's see. Yeah,

that's a ******* lot. Yeah.

I

can't let my son

go to drugs and drag swallowing my paw. I

want him to have a good life. I want him

to wake up and not dread,

you know, God, who do I have to hide from

today, or is somebody looking for me, or

what do I have to do to get a hit, you

know?

He told me that one time. He begged me

so hard for some oxycodone

one time. He says, Mom, please.

He says, you don't know what it's like,

what I'll have to do to go get it, Mom.

And I gave it to him.

I didn't want him shooting that **** in

his veins, so I got it in my

head. I thought, well, maybe I could wean

him off. Was that so wrong?

And I am the person...

with... the talent

of... doing this.

Woo! La la la la la la! Here, going into

my bed for you!

What's that?Okay, let me see.

This belongs to my mother.