Original subtitles

You sent for me, Princess?

Ah, Ensign Benson.

I've been expecting you.

I just wanted to give you a commendation.

It's nothing official.

Just a little token of my appreciation for your saluting

and protecting and serving and standing at attention and whatever else it is you

do around here.

Chief!

Yes, princess?

Uh, two galactic inlets.

And make his a double.

Your wish command is my function key.

Have a seat.

Make yourself...

Comfortable.

Wow.

You're very, uh, tense.

Will there be anything else, Princess?

That'll be all, Chief.

Bottoms up.

You

know,

Ensign, most women love a man in uniform.

I, however, prefer a man out of

uniform.

Chiefs do this. Chiefs do that.

When will it be Chief's turn?

I don't understand.

When will Chiefs be able to let his wiring down?

When will it be Chief's turn to have some fun?

Well, hello there.

Are you, uh... new around here?

Yes, I know.

I was new once, too.

Are you...

A .C. or D .C.? Oh, yes, of course you are.

Have you ever been with a man who was multifunctional?

Well, why don't I take you to my recharging closet?

Would that be all right with you?

It'll be okay.

It'll be okay.

Oh, yeah, me too.

Me too.

or something?

Laughing in your face, returning all your gifts, changing my number, and

my planet didn't give you a clue?

I will never marry you.

Completely legal to marry the dead.

Ew.

Hello? Hello?

Princess?

Damn cellular service dropped the call again.

Get them back.

Oh, that's nice.

Bravo.

You really have a way with the ladies, you sweet talker.

What a charmer.

I do appreciate the constructive criticism there, Dark Witch, but I have

everything under control.

Oh, yes, obviously, you're evil, man.

I'll show her that you do not hang up on the scourge of the universe.

Destroy their shields and engines.

Everyone, please calm down.

My baby.

Oh, please save me and my baby.

My baby.

I knew I should have spent a few extra space cards to get you a fine.

Now grab yourself a blast and prepare to fight.

Princess, we have a life pod waiting for you. Please come with me.

You'll be okay.

You'll be okay, don't cry.

We've disabled their engines.

Their life supports are failing. And their shields are at 15. Excellent.

General Watson, fire a warning shot over their bow tools. Let them know.

Popped too early.

Leave it to a woman to keep bringing it up.

General Wardson.

Yes, sir.

Scan the debris and see if you can find any life forms.

Find the princess alive.

Or dead.

see it now.

Do you, evil overlord, take this earlobe to be your... whatever.

Lord Evil, we found a life plot amidst the debris.

It contains a single life form.

Space credits to Donuts that it's the princess.

Tractor beam the pod into the docking bay.

Tractor beaming the pod, sir.

The fact that she survived the unintentional obliteration of her

proves that our wedded bliss is destiny.

She and me, us and we, together.

Are you going to break out into song? Because if so, I'm going to puke.

General Waltz, assemble a wedding party for my...

Ride to be young.

Oh, my God.

Open

the

pod.

Dave.

What do you mean you can't open the pod doors?

Dave, I can't open the pod bay door.

I am the evil overlord. I command...

you not to buy a used Al 2000, but did you listen to me? No.

Save a few bucks, you said.

Now you listen to me, you bucket of balls.

Open the damn door!

Dave, I can tell you are stressed.

Maybe some soft music will help.

Just kidding, Thad. You've conquered a dozen galaxies, but you can't open a

goddamn door?

Thad.

Thad.

Thad.

Nice. What are you planning for an encore?

Clubbing bunnies?

Cue the band. Cue the band.

Oh, you're right. You two make a cute couple.

Un -cue the band.

Oh, who's the bitch in this relationship? You look like more of a

than Lord Evil.

Where is the princess?

He crushes Larnac so he can never tell you. Why don't you just go ahead and

a warning shot across his bow while you're at it?

Leave him to me. I'm sure I'll be able to extract the information from him.

Guard!

Take him to my chamber. I'll deal with him there.

Yes, you will.

Do you like something to drink?

Are you hungry?

Oh.

A strong, silent type. I like that.

Look, I'll just cut right to the chase.

The moment I met you five minutes ago, I felt a connection, a little spark

between us that transcends this whole evil.

Empire and rebellion, good evil man, woman, thing.

Are you feeling it?

Oh, yes, you're definitely feeling it.

Oh, my God, I swear I don't know anything.

I just started.

I was just a soda jerk, and then they transferred me. I don't know anything.

Now, why don't you just tell Mama all about this princess?

Like, where is he?

There were several life pods jettisoned from the ship.

The princess and her manservant were on one of them.

That's all I know. Please don't kill me.

That's a good little soldier.

Do you know what I do with good boys that make me

happy?

Hologram.

Service this human.

Reward him for his good behavior in ways unimaginable to

his puny little human mind.

Hmm.

Grrrr!

That fucking guy.

Hello, Peter.

Just going to the dark side is not that bad.

Yeah. And on that note... Guard!

Yes, ma 'am.

Put him in a torpedo chute and fire him into space.

What is this?

You said we shared a moment.

That moment gone.

You said you weren't going to kill me.

No, don't think of it as being killed. Think of it more.

is having your matter reorganized. Goodbye.

Yes?

Your Excellency, I have extracted the information that we sought. The princess

did escape in a life pod, and she's out there in space, somewhere.

Our sister will be mine to do with as I will.

Are

we

done? Yes.

Good.

God, she kissed me the willy.

I still see you.

Still see you.

Oh, no.

Yes, you're still there.

Nope, still here.

Nope,

still see you.

You're still there.

And how about this?

Now,

General Watts, scan the entire system and find the princess.

And, General, if you fail me this time, well,

try to imagine...

the nastiest way you possibly can to die.

And then go one nastier.

I'll be at my quarters.

Yes, sir.

See here, 50 and raise you 100.

If you're rich for my blood.

I'll call.

14. I think I'll just take my winnings and go home.

Hold on a second.

Because the last I checked.

Four aces beats four kings.

Four aces?

What the fuck?

Sir, please calm down.

Calm down? He's cheating!

Hold on a minute. I'm sorry that you lost, but I'll tell you what I'll do.

cop your drinks, and I'll give you a couple tickets to go see the

magician, Lion Tamerang. I think you'll like it.

You steal a man's life savings and give him a ticket to a cheap show?

Hold on a second. No one wants to get hurt here.

The only one who's gonna get hurt is YOU!

That was close.

Close only counts in plasma grenades and horseshoes.

Watching a dude vaporize another dude gets me so hot.

So let me get this right. If I had been the one vaporized, then you would still

be hot?

Well, yeah, but I'd be thinking about you the entire time I fucked the other

guy. I promise.

That's okay. I'll think about that.

Too bad. You don't know what you're missing.

Hold on a second.

Where's my wallet?

Sorry, bud.

Old habits die hard.

Why should I give you my money?

You should steal it.

Captain Focker!

Isn't Captain Star Focker?

Focker! Focker!

Focker!

There's a 45 ,000 floating among space junk.

Most of our wreckage is heavily damaged, but there is a fully intact escape pod.

Fully intact space escape pod. That's 200 ,000 space credits on the black

market. Are there any life forms?

We scanned the pod and only found one life form.

Still an escape pod and a life form.

That's a hefty price, that auction.

The salvage crew down there. I'll be down there in just a minute.

It's time to make some freedom.

Starfucker out.

We really should be going.

I know that.

I get an awful feeling about this place. We should go now.

I'm working on it.

What is it exactly?

So, what do we have here?

I am Princess Hubba Hubba, royal heir to the Katoran system, traveling with my

manservant, Jeeves.

Very nice to meet you.

My shuttle was boarded by pirates, and we narrowly escaped. And unfortunately,

my life pod landed in this quadrant.

But I really need to get back to the clitoron system and my father. So if you

don't mind, chop -chop, and let's get a move on.

I'm sorry. Where did you say you were from?

Hey,

you can't talk to the princess that way, mister.

Listen, pal, as far as I'm concerned, you two are space cargo. But you know

what? I wonder how much...

A real -life princess that's on the open market.

Listen, you walking Anatole, the lives of billions are at stake that I get back

to the Victorian system before I fall into the hands of the evil overlord.

Well, I don't know. Do you have any money?

Gee, I must have left my purse in my starship when it blew up!

I'm sure the king will reward you handsomely.

I don't know. I'm already pretty damn handsome. What kind of reward are we

talking about?

I'm sure it's more than anyone that you could ever think of.

I don't know. I could think quite a bit.

Well, you'll get that and some.

Now, if you don't mind, could we please get a move on to the Chlorin system?

Well, Princess, of course.

But in the meantime, plasma reactor coils or Chloridash smoking weed or

ass, no one rides for free.

Miss Kitty?

Do we have a position for these two?

Well, I had another dancer hostess eaten last night.

I suppose she could take her place.

At least until we can get to a spaceport and get a suitable replacement.

And then, do with her what you will.

We could use another pleasure toy.

Pleasure toy?

That's fine, Miss Kitty.

But you might want to cut the tongue out of this one.

It might be better for business.

That's your droid.

Beg for it, scum.

Beg me to treat you like a dirty little slut.

Oh, yeah.

That's right.

casino passed by here a few parsecs ago.

The SS Floating Balls.

Let's pay a visit to the SS Floating Balls, General.

Yes, your evilness. By your command.

Remember, open hailing frequency first, and then fire a warning shot across his

bow.

Nutty, nutty, nutty, nutty, nutty.

Push, push the bad girl's face down into his own mess.

Shut up.

Welcome

to

the SS Floating Balls, where anything and everything in the known universe can

happen within these very walls.

We cater to every vice imaginable.

Greed, gluttony, lust, and of course, lust.

Are you fully functional?

Well, uh, yes.

My systems are fully functional.

I am well versed in over 500 ,000 different sexual practices, including

humanoid, cyborgs, and all carbon -based life forms.

And I assume that you are fully functional, too.

If by functional you mean that the first hand, tentacle, robotic digit, or paw

that touches me, I kill, then yes.

Absolutely.

We need to do some work on that attitude.

Now, you will be working here.

And you, I think you'll be of more help to me in the cabaret.

And we are here with fresh meat.

You must be that new pleasure droid I've been hearing about.

Yes, I am.

May I offer you a cold refreshment?

Yes,

I'd like to get a little liquored up. Excellent. I'll go to the bar.

Oh, no, no, no.

What do you say we get this party started?

Do you have a little mood music to play?

Why, yes, I am programmed with over 17 million varieties of music.

Let's hear it.

How's that?

No, no, no, no, no. I was thinking of something more romantic.

Oh, perhaps that.

No, no, no.

A little more romantic.

How about this?

Looks better.

I want you to turn me on and tell me how sexy I look.

Okay.

My.

You look shimmery tonight.

No. Let's try this.

How you doing, baby?

You see me and you go out behind a wood pile and... You will suck my cock and

you will do it now.

Now.

Mon chéri, it is you, it is me. We will make beautiful love together.

Oh. Oh.

Rest. La la.

I like that.

I mean, we... We... We...

Do you have to believe that?

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Uh -huh.

Mmm.

like a bike.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm.

That was great.

Really, that was great.

But you might want to upgrade the software on that hard drive.

See you around.

Under two o 'clock.

Can I get you something?

Can I get you something?

Yeah, sure, babe. How about a nice cold glass at 8 p .m.? What the hell is 8 p

.m.? You know, ask him out.

Whoa, I guess that means the complimentary handjob's out of question.

I don't think Miss Kitty is giving you the proper job description for a hostess

entertainer. Basically, your job is to make sure that everyone is happy.

Everyone.

Sometimes that means you have to sit in a lap or two, or perhaps a fade.

This is demeaning, Starfucker.

If you were a true gentleman... A true gentleman?

This is the SS floating balls in the Zoller sector.

If you're a true gentleman here, you're as good as dead. And that goes for

proper ladies?

I'll keep that in mind.

Well, perhaps if you don't want to entertain here at the cabaret level, we

arrange to have you take him below deck for a private show.

Private show?

Yes, I could show you the ins and outs of the holodeck.

No, serving drinks is fine. Thank you very much.

You are a... Are you trying to ignore me?

No.

But...

Baby needs love.

Oh, really?

Baby needs love, does she?

Well, let's give baby what she needs.

Really?

Come

here.

Come here. Come here, bud.

That's it. Come here.

Come here.

You know, it's been so long since we... You know.

Yeah, right.

You're a... I've got a great idea. Let's just cuddle.

Cuddle? Yeah, let's just cuddle.

Right. Cuddle.

Prepare to get the sit -cuddled out of you.

That's it right there.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's good. That's it.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh,

yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh yeah.

Yeah, do it.

CAPTAIN!

thinking about that other girl, were you?

No, no, no, no, no, no. It's a princess. It's a common term of endearment like

sweetheart or my little fuck monkey.

Oh.

Okay.

Damn,

you're good.

Do you work out?

What happened? Why have we stopped?

We're caught in a tractor beam.

Tractor beam?

Whose tractor beam?

Hello, Captain Starfucker.

Evil Overlord, this is an unexpected surprise. Should I let Velvina know that

her wounded space cat needs a little battlefield nurse?

Silence!

Silence!

I'm afraid that this isn't a social call, Captain.

We were searching for a life pod that was in your flight path.

What a coincidence. We found a space pod. Unfortunately, there was nothing in

it. Take the pod with my blessings, Lord Evil.

Oh, we will be taking the pod, of course, as well as anything else that

belong to us.

And then we'll decide if we are going to blow your ship to smithereens or not.

It's not us.

Keep looking.

Tear this ship apart.

Leave no rock unturned.

By all means, feel free to have a look around, boys. Please take full advantage

of all the amenities Floating Balls has to offer.

Now, while your men are busy themselves looking for this mysterious girl...

What kind of host would I be if I didn't offer you two a drink?

Would you join me at the bar?

Three solar shot.

Here's to the universe.

Bowing on their knees and cowering before us.

I was going to drink to your health, but bottoms up.

So, how are things raping the galaxy?

Oh, you know, same old, same old.

Boardroom politics.

Interplanetary domination.

Enough of the chit -chat.

But where is the girl?

Girl, girl, girl, girl.

Oh, you need some space, Jim. I can help the brother up.

Dandy, Dandy.

I did not destroy 42 planets in the last fiscal quarter alone so that some space

cowboy can attempt to make a fool out of me.

If you are hiding anything, star fucker, you will die a very slow and painful

death. Not necessarily in the quarter of a quarter.

Your most evilness.

Sometimes these things take a woman's touch.

Let me talk to Buzz. I'm sure he'll respond better when he's not being

death.

Now, Buzz, perhaps there's someplace quieter you and I could talk.

Oh, well, actually, here is good.

Or we could talk over here. Here's good, too.

Ladies and aliens, sit back and relax as our own mystery dancer grinds out a

tale of love and romance.

through a universal dance.

He's good. He's really good.

I could tell the whole story.

I

have

to get back. I think I left the keys to the ship on the bar.

Buzz.

Did you miss me?

Because I missed you.

You know...

No humanoid in the known galaxy has ever made me feel the way

you make me feel.

Few silicone -based life forms, but no other man.

Computer.

Hologram setting 133.

After you.

Thank you.

Ah, holodeck jungle setting. How original.

Take me, Buzz.

Take me like a boy raised by apes.

I don't know. I think we're kind of rushing things a little bit.

Whatever happened to getting annoyed to their friends first?

Oh, are you playing coy?

Uh, well...

No, I just thought I'm really not in the mood.

Well, what can I do to get you in the mood?

Alcohol.

Let's get drunk.

I don't need a drink.

Oh, but I do.

Hey, you done with the holidays?

Program's running. Knock your socks off. Right then.

Buzz!

Donald said.

It's cool.

You know,

I've always wanted to do it in this program.

Really? I only see this program once. Really? Yeah.

Yeah. Fuck

it

hard.

Fuck it hard.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that's fucking good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You are fantastic.

A genuine artist.

And guess what?

I am a fabulously wealthy benefactor and patron of the arts.

Let me buy you a drink, baby.

Oh, no, no, that's okay. You're too kind. I can't accept.

No, no, no.

Now, tell me if I'm wrong.

Depart here.

You're wiggling your ass, you know.

Did that mean the hero is coming home from the war and his brother

has remarried his wife?

Yep, exactly.

I knew it, I knew it. I have to go get ready for my next call. Wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I have to see you, dear.

It's you!

Guard!

You lied to me.

He lied to me.

Ours.

I promised you a slow and peaceful death. Well, now I'm going to

extend that courtesy to your entire crew and everyone aboard this

trash bin of a ship.

Kill everyone on board!

And then destroy the ship.

Excuse me, everyone.

Please line up in an orderly fashion and be killed.

a warning shot, sir?

No. This is for real.

Firing laser beam, sir.

Maybe you should call it a warning shot.

General Moritz, fire a warning shot.

Don't feel sad, princess.

Today should be the happiest day of your life. It's your wedding day.

Guard, take her to her holding cell.

Now you, princess Hubba Hubba,

take the evil overlord.

to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, to obey his every

disgusting whim, no matter how much it turns your stomach, until death do you

part, or even longer.

I do.

You are wise to reconsider, princess.

Why be the prince of the planet when I can be the queen of the universe?

How delightfully wicked of you, Prince Ed.

And do you, evil overlord, take the princess as your lawfully wedded wifey

to have and to hold, to do with what you will, whenever, wherever,

and whichever office you choose, until death do you part, or you grow

weary of her and disintegrate her, whichever comes first.

Oh, gee, gosh, I don't know.

You know, the swing of that salazzo has been pretty good to me up to this time.

It's hard to give it all up, but, you know.

I do, I do, I do, I do, I do.

Well then, by the powers vested in me, I now pronounce you Evil Overlord.

And the luckiest woman in the universe.

You may kiss the bride.

And by kiss, I mean full tongue and all.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Yeah, only if it rhymes with A -T -M.

And what does A -T -M mean, you jackasses?

Ass to mouth.

Yeah.

Enough of this tomfoolery.

Away to my chamber with me till we get an early start on our honeymoon.

Is it my breath?

It's my lack of hair.

I've been doing a skin massage quite often, so it will help.

Is it my translucent skin?

Honestly, it's kind of a combination of the whole thing.

Not too different, not too weird.

This holodeck is equipped with a shapeshifter fire.

Once you go general, you don't go back.

No.

Maybe this.

If I was going to go lead, I would not be with her. Thank you very much.

All right, we'll try another one.

I love weddings.

Where's the buffet?

I'll give you two tips for a nipple.

Oh, God, no.

Um, I'll... We'll try this van.

Ah.

Okay.

This I can work with.

But, um, how about someplace a little less open?

Absolutely.

A place I can work with.

Oh.

Princess, that was fabulous.

Let's go a couple more times, eh?

Hey,

how's it going? Nice rack.

Now that the princess is in our evil clutches, absolutely nothing

must go wrong.

We must ensure that all our T's are dotted and all our I's are crossed.

Of course, sir.

I want to be in and out of that bitch and all over that planetary system in a

couple hours.

Yes, sir.

Nothing can or will go wrong now, sir.

Excellent.

Well, nighty -night, General.

Finally, a little playtime for the General.

I think a little late -night entertainment is in order.

After all, all work and no play makes Schwartz a dull General.

Dad water.

Sound simple?

Hello, ladies.

How may we serve you?

Well, ladies, the dick isn't going to suck itself.

I like that.

I like that.

Strong cut.

Oh, you like that back there?

Princess, we've come for you. Please follow us.

There's been a mistake.

I'm not the princess.

She's too sold over.

Yeah, right. If you come along quietly, this will all be over soon enough.

Wait.

I'm not ready to get married.

I have a headache.

And it might be that time of the month.

Oh, God. The cramp.

Oh. Are you okay?

Princess,

don't.

Jeeves?

Princess.

Buzz?

Are you okay?

He launched an heroic rescue and I get my balls halfway up my ass. Thank you.

Sorry. I thought you two were gone when the exploding balls exploded.

So did we.

Thanks to our courage, our ingenuity, and our rugged looks, we managed to

escape.

Excuse me, everyone.

Please line up in an oily fashion.

You'll be killed.

Oh, yes.

Dang, that's a good shot.

Where's the princess?

They got her. We gotta get out of here. We must save her.

He's gone, huh?

I don't need the teleporter, Chief. Get us off this damn ship.

Okay, okay, okay.

Come on, come on, come on.

But I am well -versed in over two million different interfacing languages.

I don't need your rest of my cheese. I just need you to operate the teleporter.

I got it. Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

Uh, that's it.

Oh, sorry, I forgot.

Chief,

do you have any idea where we are?

Well, my best estimation is that we're somewhere aboard the evil Overlord's

battle cruiser.

Jeeves, do you have any idea what that smell might mean? Well, my best

estimation is that it's rotting organic metal, boys.

He could have teleported into a vat of medical waste or something.

Or a vat of poop.

Game over.

Game over.

I've got a plan.

I go by him.

Oh, Buzz, I'm not even under warranty.

Here, find the princess.

Hey, how you doing?

I couldn't help but notice you from across the room. I knew there was a

something about you. You have shiny buttons.

Would you get on with it?

You just can't rush into these things, Buzz. You can't just let them think that

you're after them for their data.

I've got it.

The princess is in detention block five.

Oh, no.

She's being prepared to wed the evil overlord today.

I didn't mean an invitation.

Look.

Upload a map. A map of the cell.

Done.

And you're able to do this in like an hour?

You ever heard about writer's freedom?

I think we really should be going now.

After you, princess.

You first.

No, no, after you. After you, princess.

Stop it.

What the hell is going on here?

We're escorting the princess to the bar where she'll prepare herself for the

wedding. Yeah, so she can relax before walking down the aisle and spending the

rest of her life with a constant headache.

We didn't receive any orders about that.

Well, it's typical the left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing, but

since we've come this far, we might as well go ahead and finish the job, right?

Hold on.

I'm going to have to call this in.

You just wait right here.

Now what are we going to do? Zero.

Don't worry a pretty little head about it, Princess. I got all of the control.

Checked in with HQ and they don't know anything about those spa levels.

The Dark Witch is being sent down personally.

Investigation. Well, of course she is. And we're just down here following

orders. And all I know is that heads are going to roll if we can't get this

thing worked out. Wait a second. I remember something.

He's the one that gave me this order.

Buzz, what are you doing?

Yeah, come to think about it, you never worked out the details of this, did you?

And where's your I .D. badge, huh? Yeah, let's see your I .D. badge.

I must have left them in my other bag.

Watch him, boys. He doesn't have a pass. Watch him.

Oh,

that was not funny.

Look, I told you I had it all under control.

Let's go.

Did you even have a plan?

Hey, I was winging it. Winging it? What is that?

Latin for getting us killed?

Well, well, well.

What have we here?

Buzz Darfucker.

What a pleasant surprise.

Tell me, Buzz.

Did you miss me as much as I missed you?

Take him to the holding cell and leave the princess with me.

Hello?

Your evilness, I've foiled an escape attempt.

Starfucker and a droid.

Damn it, both die, fucker.

He should be dead.

Woulda, coulda, shoulda, my lord.

Bring me the princess.

Nothing will keep me from my wedding day.

With pleasure, my lord.

Time to go, sweetie.

taste and no dilly -dallying.

Yes, sir.

Well, then get to it.

I'm surrounded by incompetence.

Uh, sir, I'm still here.

Oh, well, then.

Goodbye.

Evil baby, who's your bride -to -be?

Ah, the lovely princess of a hubbub.

The news of your recent harrowing kidnapping

by the evil, bald, star -fucking, dread robot companion has made my

love...

Even more urgent.

Therefore, you'll be happy to know I've moved our marriage ahead of schedule.

And as an early wedding gift, you will get to sit with me and watch

as Bud Starfucker has torn limb from limb

in the pit of death by monstrosity.

Excuse me.

There is a fine line between evil laugh and annoying laugh, isn't there?

Well, princess, now join me in the skybox

to watch death.

Dark witch, prepare for death. With pleasure, my lord.

Well, you two should be quite proud of the honor the evil overlord has bestowed

upon you. You see, as a present for his new bride, you two heroes are going to

be thrown into the pit of death where Monstro will thrash, pummel, and

disembowel you.

And that'll just be the appetizer.

Pit of death, Oz.

I told you it's going to be really big.

Well, it's not really a...

Pit. It's a holographically generated pit, but it is of death.

Guard, take this robot and outfit him to do battle in the pit of death.

Right, Buzz.

Buzz, you represent a special problem

for me.

Conundrum.

A mystery shrouded by a riddle wrapped in a

enigma.

You see, I've always liked you. You and I, we share a

special connection.

The last time we met, you slept my bed.

Yes, but it was done with love.

Perhaps there's some way you can persuade me not to have you thrown

into the pit of death and have Montadro rip you

apart.

Dirty little human boy like to play around.

Show me how much you want in life.

Yeah.

So does this mean I get off the cot for you without probation?

We'll see.

Why don't you take all my cock?

Like this.

Thank you.

Yeah.

I thought we had something.

Well, we did, but now we don't.

Why are you lying and cheating?

Buzz, Buzz, just stop.

See, we had a moment, but that moment is gone.

Just like your life. Take him away. Let's go.

ultimate demise of one Buzz Starfucker and his robot

G's at the whim and fancy of

Monstro.

Remember, there's a two drink minimum and be sure to tip your waitstaff.

Remember, be good to them and they will be good to you.

We could be in trouble, Jason.

We're definitely in trouble, boss.

Well, if they're not, I have a plan.

They don't know who they're messing with.

I'm certified in martial arts, 15 different galaxies, 17 different

I can kill creatures with one finger.

I'm certified platinum.

You said gold last time.

Gold, platinum, whatever it is.

They don't know who they're messing with.

And they're messing with Buzz Starfucker.

Buzz! Buzz! Bad.

Okay, new plan. No!

No! No!

I don't want to hurt you, okay? I don't want to hurt you.

Okay. I really don't want to hurt you. Okay.

I really don't want you to hurt me.

Come on.

Come on, man. You have to get into the fight.

You have to get into the fight. Come on.

Chief. Chief, where are you?

Buzz, be very quiet.

I found a good hiding place.

Okay. I've got a new plan.

You activate your self -destruct. Run towards the monster that's saving us.

Okay. Wait, how does that save me?

It's always got to be about you, doesn't it?

Look out!

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Wait a minute. You look like a reasonable guy. How about some comp

Dr. Oakworth's magician lion's hand is back.

O 'Ward sent me to inform you that we're in the clitoral system.

Damn!

Good news.

Well, let's go get married.

If it is, your first day has arrived.

If he could have my body, he could never have my soul.

He couldn't get it.

Geez, new plan.

Checking this computer. Open these doors.

That's going to leave him.

How you doing?

You've been around a while, haven't you?

Would you hurry up?

I'm trying.

Me and my buddy just thought that we would just run into him.

Oh, God, I broke it.

I got it. I got it.

I didn't think I'd see you again.

Yeah, well, too many great friends.

Motivation? I'm getting kind of used to the you saving me thing.

Yeah, me too.

Not so fast, star fucker.

I would prefer if I were the first to kiss my bride.

And so if no one would have any further objection.

Princess, we need to get to the dock, jack a ship, and get out of here.

But, Buzz, if we don't put an end to the evil of the Lord once and for all, the

universe will never be free of his tyranny.

If we don't get out of here... You call yourself a hero?

Jeeves!

Jack into the computer.

Activate the self -destruct.

Oh, gee, I don't know, Buzz.

She's really not my type.

Jack, do it!

How you doing?

You work out? What have you been?

Get on with it.

Self -destruct activated.

Okay. Now the universe is safe. May we go now?

Goodness, what are we going to do now?

We could just go down with the ship.

Well, don't we know something about going down?

Well, sir, it is the code of the sea for the captain to go down with his ship.

Oh, well, well.

General Ward, I hereby grant you the status of captain of the

ship.

But all it's due are honors and privileges, of course.

Really, your evilness?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Self -destruct in T -minus one minute.

Come on, you fool. Let's get out of here.

Okay, then. Find the power switch. Find the power switch. Turn this on so we can

get out of here. Find it now. Find it. Thoughts I'd make a mean margarita, but

don't know anything about power -rated spaceships. Get up.

Home.

Princess, what are you doing? I want to drive.

It's fine. Now get out of the chair.

Get out of the chair. Look, it's your habit. Are you able to fly this ship in

different galaxies and 47 different quadrants? No, you're not. So get your

out of the chair.

It's fine. You can have it.

Didn't want to drive anyway.

Buzz! Find the power switch.

Come on, Flyboy.

Hit it or shouldn't it. Get us the hell out of here. Princess, you're yelling in

my ear.

It's not helping. Find the power switch.

Buzz!

Stop it. Buzz.

Stop it. Buzz. Stop it.

Buzz. Stop it. Buzz. What?

Maybe it's the red one.

Maybe it's the red one.

Of course it's the red one. It's labeled power.

Jesus, you do not know what the power of power is. People know this. I tried to

tell you.

Shame. What?

We enslaved

a thousand worlds together, and now

it's over.

Self -destruct in T -minus ten seconds. All right. Is everyone buckled in?

Who wants a margarita?

I guess you did it.

This, uh, makes you a hero.

Way to go, Blythe.

Smack him if you got him.

You could have just vaporized them, but no.

That would be quick. That would be easy. That would be done and over with. You

had to go and make a big production of it.

Monstro, hit it dead.

Tip your waist down.

For your unflinching loyalty, we would like to present you with the

Interplanetary Council of Planets Medal of Honor.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank the Academy, and also my maker.

His name is Mel Shibowitz.

Five star fucker? That's fucker.

Fucker, fucker, whatever.

We would like to take this opportunity, because of your courage and bravery and

big cojones in the face of things, are willing to present you this award, the

Interplanetary Council of Planets Medal of Honor.

And at the request of my daughter, two million space credits and the pink slip

to your own casino, all perfectly legal.

Why does Buzz get a casino?

It's huge.

What does Chiefs get?

Chiefs gets blown up, mangled, dismembered, wiring torn out, plugged

stations and systems that, quite frankly, I would never plug into.

Unprotected, I might add.

What does Chiefs get? Chiefs gets nothing. Chiefs gets metal.

Chiefs is made of metal. Chiefs gets metal.

Chiefs. You've been wonderful serving me all these years, but, uh...

I think it's about time someone served you.

But your very own, brand new, pleasure droid, 5150.

What can I serve you, Master?

Well, you can, uh...

How you doing?

Have you ever seen the inside of my recharging closet?

Follow me.

And now, if you don't mind, I need to give Buzz my own personal reward.

Oh, yeah. Looks like she's going to get a little ATM tonight.

What the hell is ATM?

You know, honey.

That's too loud.

This is my room.

Do you like it?

And this is my recharging station.

You could try it if you'd like.

Or not?

Please, sit down.

This is where my koi fish are.

Koi fish go like this.

Can you do that?

Excellent.

Perfect.

A koi fish.

That's perfect.

Dude.

Have you ever made love to a princess?

No.

Prepare to get royally fucked.

I think if I maybe send some flowers and candy, a nice card, a little stuffed

animal, I could win her back.

Oh, God, you idiot. Just let it go. Let it go.