Original subtitles

Elder Peter, do you really think we should be here?

Elder Bright said we could just skip this house.

Don't be nervous, Elder Dick. After all, we're here doing God's work spreading

the word to these poor heathens.

And from the looks of things, this family is in desperate need of

And a gardening service and a cleanup crew.

But Elder Bright was very specific that we were to skip this address all summer.

It's all about other missionaries disappearing here.

You hear that?

What was that?

What was what?

Well, I know you heard that.

I didn't hear anything with the wind in the trees, Elder Dick.

I'm sure it's nothing to be afraid of.

No, there's definitely something creeping up on us here, and it's not

wind in the trees.

Listen, let's just knock on the door and go inside and do what we came to do.

Once we're inside, we'll be fine.

Oh, my

God.

They're kooky and they're kinky, seductive and so slinky. They're all

inky, the Addams Family.

Their house is like a dungeon, some people want to run from. But you will

to come on, the Addams Family.

Based.

Based.

Based.

So sit down at your station. Prepare for masturbation. You've got a reservation.

The Adam Family.

There you go, Mr.

Darling. Extracts may come just the way you like it.

Thank you, Mama.

Spectre, who'd be helping me in the kitchen?

First cigar of the day.

Magnificent.

Gomez, my darling.

Ah, yes, my beautiful flower.

Now I may die a happy man, having gazed upon your beautiful visage once again.

Now, now, Gomez, not in front of the children.

Darling, look what I've been working on. Do you think Cousin Wad is going to

like his new pajamas?

Caramilla, that is magnificent.

And you remembered how well hung like a horse you are.

You're so, so cute.

Cara mia.

Mail's in.

I'll get it.

Thank you, thanks.

Here you go, son.

Pugsley and I are going to go play upstairs now.

Come on, Pugsley.

Okay, kids, but don't blow up the bathroom again.

Grandma Ma gets bitchy when she can't read the obituaries while she's on the

throne.

Come on, Max, do you want to show me something?

Yes, Master Pugsley.

Let's see what the morning mail asks.

Well, let's see what we have here. We have a bill.

Bill.

Bill.

Bill. Pay me immediately.

Hmm. What is this?

Internet porno bill.

Can't have Mama, Fester, and Lurks go without their internet porno.

Let's see.

Morticians. Bill Doe of the Month Club.

That's very nice.

And we have a...

Mama's Dildo of the Month Club. Oh, that's very good.

And Fetzer's Dildo of the Month Club.

Hmm. Very interesting.

I wonder if the Dildo of the Month Club offers a family plan.

Oh, a genius idea.

Huh. Thank you.

Thank you, my dear. Oh, what is this?

Dear Mr. Adam, Blah, blah, blah, blah. Thank you for your recent donation.

blah, blah. I'm going to build a statue about you. Blah, blah, blah. Thank you.

Both of your children have been accepted at Miskatonic University for the next

semester.

This is wonderful news. This is fantastic.

This is wonderful.

Well, that is good news.

That is my alma mater.

The fighting cephalopods.

Go, go, go.

Go, Cephalopod, go!

Go, Cephalopod, go!

Go, Cephalopod, go!

Miskatonic University does not blow!

Tish, that brings me back.

So I see.

Yes, the roar of the crowd, the screams of the opposing team, the smell of the

blood sacrificed before the pregame.

I love the smell of blood in the morning.

Here, let me help you, dear.

Feels so good.

I'm sure that Wednesday and Pugsley will enjoy it as much as you did, dear.

We can only hope so, my dear. We can only hope so.

It'll be strange not having them around.

There'll be nobody in the house but you and me and Mama Lurch and Uncle Fester

and Thing.

Oh, Gomez, don't forget Cleopatra and Catherine.

And the children won't be that far away.

It's true, my love.

They'll be gone just for the semester, and then they'll be back for the

holidays. And they are over 18 now.

We must be prepared to let them go.

I know.

Still.

They'll be growing up now. They're 18.

Going out, getting married, and having little Adamses of their own.

Oh, Gomez.

You're not getting sentimental on me, are you?

Who? Me?

Not me.

Well, maybe just a little.

It's quite all right, darling.

After all, it's only natural for us to feel that way.

Yes, my love, you're right. But you're always right. So tell me, how are you

looking forward to spending this horrible, beautiful day?

Well... After I finish my knitting, I plan to go into the solarium to tend to

plants. You know how demanding Cleopatra and Catherine can be, especially when

they haven't had meat in over a week.

Yes. You take good care of them.

Well, thank you, darling.

And after that, I think it's high time that Wednesday and I had that special

mother -daughter talk.

Ah, and where to bury the bodies.

No, silly, we had that talk a year ago. I mean the talk about... how to be a

woman, and what it means to have those special urges.

Oh, I see. That talk.

Indeed.

And now that I think about it, it's time for you and Pugsley to have that

special father -son talk, too.

You know, Pugsley will be meeting a lot of girls at school, and he'll need to

know how to handle himself.

That's a good idea. I was thinking about letting Uncle Fester talk to him about

that. They seem so close.

Oh, Gomez.

You know it's not right to shuffle that responsibility off on Fester.

Maybe you should teach Pugsley the way your father taught you.

That's brilliant.

Caramilla, you're a genius.

Come on, Lurch. Let me show you a new trick.

A trick?

Yeah.

Come on, Lurch. It's going to be fine. You'll see.

Yeah, come on, Lurch. You'll like it. We promise.

So what you do, Lurch, is you put this cone in your pants like this, and then

you put the coin on your nose, and then you try to drop it into your pants like

this. You got it?

See, it's easy, right?

Yes, Master Bugsley.

Come on, Lurch. Let's try it.

I bet you'll get it on the first try.

Here. So, put it in his pants.

And now, put the coin on your nose.

Now, lean your head back, Lurch. And don't drop the coin until I tell you to.

Okay? Yes, Master Pugsley.

All right.

Now now get the drop the coin

Lurch, we have got to get you a woman.

No, Mrs. Adams.

Wednesday and Pugsley.

Itching powder.

Oh, teenagers these days. Let's take a look.

No. Oh, goodness. Give me the shorts.

Mrs. Adams.

It's the only way we're going to get rid of the itching.

Oh.

Tasty. Mrs. Adams.

You know, they've improved the brand since I was a youngster.

Quite a nice sausage you got there, Lurch.

Thank you.

I've never done this before.

Oh, let's get you a little more comfortable.

That's better.

Yeah, not bad for an old broad, huh?

Oh.

It's been a long time since I've had some sausage.

Wakey, wakey. Wakey, wakey.

This is our hoax.

Mama.

You know I want to see your own powdered sugar frosting.

See if he tastes as sweet as you look.

Mrs. Adams.

Yes.

Nicely done, Lurch. You know what?

I'm going to be taking care of you from now on.

Thank you, Mrs. Adams.

My pleasure.

Tasty, Lurch.

The market

made its death.

It just went down 40 points.

I knew I shouldn't have sold it.

Good afternoon, Fester.

Has the mail come in yet?

Yes, it has, old man. I just went through it. Unfortunately, you didn't

anything.

Ah, they said they'd send it by yesterday.

They, Fester?

Spectacular package, old man.

Yeah, my new girlfriend from the International Inflatables Company. They

promised they'd send it by now, and it should have been here.

Oh, do be patient, Fester.

I've been waiting for over a week for my yak meat for Cleopatra and Catherine.

Surely you can wait another day.

Fester, you dog.

Did you order yourself another girlfriend through the mail? Did you

night the first time that happened?

It's not my fault the last one didn't have holes in the crate.

Of course it wasn't, Fester.

Hopefully that won't happen again.

Oh, it won't. This one comes with its own compressed air tank.

Well, very good, old man. Very good.

All right. Mortician and I will keep an eye out for it. Thanks, Gomez.

Oh, and by the way, if anybody needs me, I'll be down in my basement working on

my electric pleasure chair.

You know, that electric pleasure chair is going to bring a lot of orgasms to a

lot of people that don't have them.

Oh, Gomez.

I hope that Fester's not too disappointed with an inflatable woman.

Well, considering the real people he's dated, it'd be a step in the right

direction.

Oui.

Caramilla.

French. Not now, Gomez.

Later, my sweet.

Ah, my dear.

You spoke French and that language inflames me.

Later, Gomez.

Your wish is my command.

Actually, I think this would be just the perfect time for you and Pugsley to

take care of that little matter while I'm in the solarium.

I'm sure that Wednesday will be fine by herself for a little while.

We'll have our discussion later today.

Ah, Katamia, if you think it's best, I will make the arrangements.

Yeah, Lurch, you and I have an appointment to make.

Come with me.

Yes, Mr. Adams.

Thank you, Thing.

Adams residence.

Yes, this is Mrs. Adams.

Yes, that's correct.

Both my children will be attending Miskatonic this fall.

Initial contact meeting?

To go over any questions we might have.

Oh, that's certainly fine.

Yes, so we'll see you later then.

Thank you.

Where was I?

Oh yes, off to the Solarium to tend to Cleopatra and Captain.

Hello, my darling.

Mommy's here.

How are we feeling today?

Well, well, well.

Getting a head start, I see.

Such young, attractive men.

You boys can feed my girls well, can't you?

Doesn't that sound like fun, girls?

I like that idea.

You boys don't mind, do you?

No, ma 'am, not at all.

Perfect.

you know just how

about missionary work now.

Um, we were, um, Mrs. Adams?

Yes, dear.

Yeah, we just wanted to ask you maybe if, uh... Go ahead.

Could we go back tomorrow and maybe feed your plants?

Oh, I think that Cleopatra, Catherine, and I would like that very much.

Wouldn't we, girls?

these gentlemen out. Yes, Mrs. Adams.

Bugsley, son, it's time for us to have a little talk.

Gee, Dad.

One's already told me about the abandoned coal mines and sausage

Well, bravo, son, but it's not quite that, old man. You see, it's not that

of talk.

You see, this is the kind of talk that a father has for his son when his son

turns 18.

Oh, do you mean like the difference between Juvie and big people in jail?

Now, son, this is something that you're going to have to learn now that you're

going off to college.

Do you mean how to survive the initiation in the alligator fraternity?

Not exactly, son. You see, you're getting to that age in your life where

you're going to have certain urges.

Oh, like how to install the spy camera in the Sigma Phi Clitoris girl's dorm.

You could eat closer, son, but that's not it.

You see, you're getting at that age in your life where circumstances will bring

about certain urges where you're going to have to manage it.

Dash it all.

Son, it's time you learned about sex.

And I'm going to teach you about sex the way my father taught me about sex. And

his father before him, and his father before him, and his father before him, I

think, was a millionaire.

Son, I purchased you a prostitute.

What? Do you mean that you went out and found me a hooker?

Aw, Dad, you're the best ever.

That's right, son. We Adamses believe that only giving the best professional

advice. That's why I've asked Ms. Swallows to join us. Can I light her on

Thank you, Lurch.

Whore.

Puzzling? Uh -huh.

I am Samantha Swallows.

Hi. Like a little few?

Uh -huh.

I think you should suck his cock and then let your saliva run down his shaft

his balls and then lick it back up and spit it back on his cock and then once

the cock is lubricated, you should shove it in your vagina.

I'll leave you two alone.

Have fun, son.

Your father told me that you needed help learning the ropes, so to say.

Well, I know ropes pretty well.

It's the sex part I'm not... I don't know anything about.

Okay. Well, I can help you with that.

That's what I'm here for.

Okay.

But first, there are three things that you need to know before we begin, okay?

Okay. First, always ask your partner if you're going to try something new.

Okay? Okay.

Pretty much ask your partner before you try anything.

Second, never be afraid to ask your partner to try something new. I mean,

are you supposed to know if you like something if you never try, right?

Yeah, you're right.

So always ask. Always ask. And third, and this is the most important one, if

are ever having sex with someone that you don't know, or that hasn't been

recently, you have to always, always, always, always wrap up the puzzly

to keep him safe.

What do I wrap him up with?

What the hell?

That's just thing.

Thing.

Thing. Thing. Thing.

Does thing have a thing? Never mind, never mind, never mind. Okay.

We won't need condoms. We just won't need them. Because you know why?

Why? Because you're a virgin.

I am a virgin. And when you're a virgin, that means you're clean because you

haven't had any sexual intercourse yet. That's true.

And because I'm a working girl, I get tested every month. And I just got my

yesterday, so... Well, good.

We're good to go.

So what do you say we get you out of these clothes and maybe start getting

Pugsley hard?

Sounds like fun.

It's okay to swear, too, during sex.

It happens.

You want to take those off for me? Yeah.

Say goodbye to all this.

So you've never been with another girl before?

I've never been with any girl before.

Not at all?

I think your Pugsley likes my mouth.

Not that you really know what you like yet, but how does that feel?

First time seeing tits.

First time seeing a pussy.

Oh my god.

You didn't know that the other sex resisted, right?

Uh -huh.

I just always see it in magazines and on the internet.

Oh.

There's just much more to that than this.

So much better than blowing up dynamite.

Blowing up what?

Okay.

It's a good boy to ask.

I'm just assuming you like it sloppy and nasty, huh?

Everything you do is so good.

Awesome. Am I learning?

Yes.

Fucking fast, too.

Can we fuck now?

Oh, yes, we can.

Okay. Oh, yes, we can.

I don't know how to do this. Do you want to do it first?

Yeah, you can just lay there. I'll jump on. Trust me.

There you go. Hands off.

What do I do?

Well, first you find the hole.

Usually it's right between the girl's legs.

And then... Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

That was crazy. I never felt anything like that before.

Okay, you don't jump.

negative point.

Okay, let's try it again. You want to keep the girl on you. Let's try it

Okay. One more time.

You're not going to explode, are you? No.

Please, God, don't explode.

You're a dynamite.

Okay. Okay, don't move.

Breathe.

Just breathe. That sensation you're feeling, just try to sustain it.

There we go.

Oh, okay.

Okay. And then just move your hips. It'll all feel natural.

Like that?

Fuck yes, like that.

You're cute for a little fucking psychopath.

Sometimes you can spank the girl's ass.

Sometimes she likes it when the man takes charge. Yeah, when the man takes

charge, she really fucking likes it.

I just like that too.

So it's not a little fucking boy anymore, are they?

Feel my fucking feet?

Yeah. Try that.

Try that.

I think we need a fourth rule. Never be afraid to take charge.

some ways you can do it.

I don't know.

What sounds good? You said you watch magazines, too.

Yeah, I've seen this one time.

Okay. Okay.

Let me try this.

Hold on.

Enjoy. Wait, wait. Before you do that, you need to learn how to eat pussy.

Okay. It's very simple. Just put the tongue on the clit and just lick.

Okay, let's do something that you might know. Like a little kitty.

Yeah, you understand kitties.

No wonder you like pussy then.

Like that?

Fuck yes.

Just get it nice and fucking wet so that way when you slide your cock back in

it, it slides right in there.

You're a really good boy.

Come on, slide it in.

You

sure

you haven't done this before? Because I'm a little fucking surprised.

Fucking fast learner.

for more of the Addams family.

I like what their men are made out of.

So I think the Pugsley likes that hole, right?

Now you said you like to be naughty and you like anything I like?

Yeah. I have another hole.

What? I have another hole down there, don't I?

Yeah.

Say yes. Yes.

So remember the second rule? Never be afraid to try something new?

Yeah.

You want to put it in my ass? Yeah.

Oh,

like that?

Fuck yeah, like that.

Like that?

Exactly like that.

It feels just as good as the other one. Am I doing okay for the first time?

You're doing fucking perfect.

No, no.

No, no, just keep it in.

Just keep it in.

See, the best is when you get a girl who likes anal sex because she won't

fucking run away either.

Back in the hole.

Back in that pretty fucking hole.

Once you're in one hole, you can go in the other one, too.

And you can just play.

Can I do that?

Fuck yeah, you can.

I'm fucking digging in balls deep, too, for all I care.

You want me to?

I want you to.

Want me to open it up for you?

See,

that's called fucking balls deep, where you take that full entire cock and put

it in that girl's fucking ass.

Sit down real quick.

Because also, you can always make the girl do work, too.

Hold it inside right into my deep little fucking ass

She'll make it even tighter for you by putting fingers in her fucking cunt at

the same time.

out the chicken.

really good i just think that i should try it maybe one or two more times so i

can make sure i learn properly so soon uh -huh i'm pretty certain i can

easily be talked into staying longer

Looks like someone needs to put you on a diet.

Come in.

Wednesday, dear, do you have a moment?

Yes, mother, there was something you wanted to talk to me about?

Yes, dear, there is.

Let's sit on the bed.

I know that we've had several of these little mother -daughter talks before.

Yes, Mother, but I still remember the difference between justified and

premeditated. Of course you do, dear.

But that's not what I want to talk with you about today.

It's not?

No, dear, it's not.

You see, Wednesday, now that you're over 18, I know that you'll be experiencing

some certain urges.

Yes.

But I don't think a headless Pugsley would be quite the same.

Sadly, no.

Now put that down a moment. This is important.

I know you may not be ready to believe me just yet, but one day you'll desire

satisfy yourself on your own, without anyone around.

Do you understand what I'm talking about?

You mean like masturbation?

Exactly.

You are grown up, isn't she thing?

Thing? Yes.

Thing is very useful around the house, besides just getting the mail and

the tea.

Thing has helped me through many lonely nights when your father was away.

So you see, I think Thing is just the one to help you work through any

or difficulties you may have.

I'm just leaving you alone now.

This could actually be kind of fun.

Well, Thing?

Let's get to it

That's good.

What the... What kind of fantasy is this?

No Adams would ever be caught wearing anything this cutesy.

Well, Coach said he had something for us since we turned a double play, but...

Wow. You never expected this.

Nice.

I'm a cheerleader?

What the fuck kind of fantasy is this?

If this is my fantasy...

Then I should be able to do this.

Now this is more like it.

Boys.

Dear High Priest, this is here.

Now go over there.

And worship me.

Yes, God.

Yes.

You lick my face.

What

are you

doing here?

I uh, I don't know.

Well why don't you get over here and make yourself useful.

And lick my pussy.

Take the panties off.

Right now, get down.

Good little cheerleader

No.

Why don't you go get in that cage?

I'll let you out later.

So what are you boys gonna do to me?

Whatever you want.

Why don't you stand the fuck up then?

It goes like that.

Yeah, good to know.

I'm not sure what it is.

Hmm. It seems to satisfy most of our customers. We thank you for your

and hope to do business with you again in the future.

Cordially, the International Inflatable Corporation.

What the fuck?

Well, those dirty little rotten... They sent me an inflatable sheep instead of

an inflatable girlfriend.

Oh, well, I do love...

Mrs. Adams.

I'm Gloria Milbanks from the university.

We spoke earlier?

Milbanks? University?

Never heard of it.

I spoke with Miss Milbanks earlier today.

She's here on a strictly routine visit.

Something to do with visiting parents of incoming students.

Well, why didn't you say so?

Right this way. Come right in. Please, have a seat.

Lurch, fetch Uncle Fester for us.

Oh, and straighten this place up, would you?

Yes, Mr. Adams.

So, from the university, eh?

Care to have a go?

University,

eh? Concerned about the children and their curriculum.

Ah, you want to make sure they can handle the course load, no doubt.

Well,

that is just fantastic. We'll let you talk to Uncle Fester, and he will walk

through the whole children's high school curriculum.

Of course, Gomez.

Uncle Fester.

After all, he's the one who designed Wednesday and Pugsley's course study.

Your uncle?

Fester?

Oh, what is... Oh, that's Sting. Would you care for one lump or two?

No, no lumps, please.

Well then, bottoms up.

So, Mr. and Mrs. Adams, about your children.

Ah, yes. The two sharpest knives in the vivisectionist kit.

Oh, yes. We're so very proud.

Ah, here's the man you need to speak with.

Professor Adams, this is... I'm sorry?

Mrs. Melbanks. Mrs.

Melbanks. Mrs. Melbanks. Professor Adams. Professor Adams. Mrs. Melbanks.

Melbanks is here to talk about our children and their curriculum.

Gomez, couldn't this wait?

I was just about to unwrap my inflatable girlfriend.

Very good, my old man, but take a look at what's sitting right there in front

you.

Is that what designed your children's course of study?

Oh, not that, dear.

Faster.

He's brilliant. He's absolutely brilliant.

Graduated, so I can come behind, from Tespian School of Hierarchy and Social

Justice. And I have a minor in explosives, too.

Ah, that ain't quite the ladies' man, that one, Fester.

Come, my dear.

Let us leave these two alone to discuss the future of our children.

Oui.

Oui. Ah, mon cherie, you have spoken French.

Ah, c 'est sacré.

There's so much in love.

I wish I could know love like that.

For just a single day? A night?

Sweetie, I can electrify a woman like no other man can.

Oh, no.

No. That would not be appropriate.

What?

Wow. Professor.

That is impressive.

I suppose if the Board of Regents never finds out.

Your light bulb trick was very, very impressive.

Thank you.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Thank you.

Thank you.

See ya.

Yes, it's a hot fucking pussy for your cock.

Oh, yeah? I love that you're fucking cocky.

Oh!

You really do have a way with women, don't you?

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

I've always wanted to have somebody come on my face.

would you come on my face yes i would love that

wow

and that was really electrifying.

the storm.

Ah, Mon Cheri, do you remember our first storm?

I remember, Mon Cheri.

The howling wind.

The pouring rain.

The screams of the crew as they tried to throw us overboard.

You spoke French.

These shoes are French.

You have on French perfume.

I wish to suckle your feet.

Kiss your legs.

Slowly travel up the inside of your thigh.

The saliva drips from my mouth. Yes.

To your waiting, heart -dripping pussy.

Oui.

Oh. Oh.

Thank you.

Fuck. Squeeze my dick. Yes.

Yes. I'm not chubby.

So fuck you guys.

We'll do it.

Yes.

You know, we'll see what happens, you know.

Maybe we can continue this.

I can call in some of your other friends, you know.

I like your hair, okay? I don't know really how we start, but let's see here.

Oh, man, is that it, sheepy?

Is that the spot, huh?

Yeah?

What the fuck, sheepy?

There's a little bit.

I'll be here.

That was great.

Thank you, Sing.