Original subtitles

I'll tell you what, there is so much

I'll tell you what, there is so much

I'll tell you what, there is so much going on in the world today. Domestic

going on in the world today. Domestic

going on in the world today. Domestic strife, international uprisings, Verizon

strife, international uprisings, Verizon

strife, international uprisings, Verizon went down for 4 hours yesterday, so I

went down for 4 hours yesterday, so I

went down for 4 hours yesterday, so I had to Google myself on my desktop like

had to Google myself on my desktop like

had to Google myself on my desktop like a loser.

a loser.

a loser. But with all the chaos in the world, I'm

But with all the chaos in the world, I'm

But with all the chaos in the world, I'm so glad we have a president who's laser

so glad we have a president who's laser

so glad we have a president who's laser focused on the issues that matter most.

focused on the issues that matter most.

focused on the issues that matter most. >> You see that beautiful milk? That's what

>> You see that beautiful milk? That's what

>> You see that beautiful milk? That's what we're here for. We're discussing milk

we're here for. We're discussing milk

we're here for. We're discussing milk and whole milk and how good it is. Yes,

and whole milk and how good it is. Yes,

and whole milk and how good it is. Yes, milk. Mr. President, thank you for

milk. Mr. President, thank you for

milk. Mr. President, thank you for shining a light on this important issue

shining a light on this important issue

shining a light on this important issue and also for having a big jug of milk on

and also for having a big jug of milk on

and also for having a big jug of milk on your desk as a visual aid

your desk as a visual aid

your desk as a visual aid in case people forget what milk is.

in case people forget what milk is.

in case people forget what milk is. I mean, how are these people intolerant

I mean, how are these people intolerant

I mean, how are these people intolerant of everything except lactose?

of everything except lactose?

of everything except lactose? But while Trump was focused on his

But while Trump was focused on his

But while Trump was focused on his domestic priorities, his underlings were

domestic priorities, his underlings were

domestic priorities, his underlings were taking care of the smaller issues. You

taking care of the smaller issues. You

taking care of the smaller issues. You know, like uh uh invading Europe.

know, like uh uh invading Europe.

know, like uh uh invading Europe. >> Tonight, as President Trump escalates

>> Tonight, as President Trump escalates

>> Tonight, as President Trump escalates his push to take over Greenland, top

his push to take over Greenland, top

his push to take over Greenland, top officials from Greenland and Denmark

officials from Greenland and Denmark

officials from Greenland and Denmark traveling to Washington to plead their

traveling to Washington to plead their

traveling to Washington to plead their case to the vice president and secretary

case to the vice president and secretary

case to the vice president and secretary of state. But they emerged saying the

of state. But they emerged saying the

of state. But they emerged saying the two sides have a quote fundamental

two sides have a quote fundamental

two sides have a quote fundamental disagreement. It's clear that the

disagreement. It's clear that the

disagreement. It's clear that the president has this v wish uh of

president has this v wish uh of

president has this v wish uh of conquering over over Greenland.

conquering over over Greenland.

conquering over over Greenland. >> Okay, first of all, why are they doing a

>> Okay, first of all, why are they doing a

>> Okay, first of all, why are they doing a press conference from the cocktail hour

press conference from the cocktail hour

press conference from the cocktail hour at a

dark day for Greenland? Hold on to those

dark day for Greenland? Hold on to those

dark day for Greenland? Hold on to those crab cakes.

Yes, you can you can tell this meeting

Yes, you can you can tell this meeting

Yes, you can you can tell this meeting didn't go well. By the way, the entire

didn't go well. By the way, the entire

didn't go well. By the way, the entire delegation rushed to smoke immediately

delegation rushed to smoke immediately

delegation rushed to smoke immediately after.

after.

after. I mean, look, look at him rushing. Look

I mean, look, look at him rushing. Look

I mean, look, look at him rushing. Look at this guy. He's literally sprinting to

at this guy. He's literally sprinting to

at this guy. He's literally sprinting to the car to grab a smoke and calm his

the car to grab a smoke and calm his

the car to grab a smoke and calm his nerves. One meeting with JD Vance and

nerves. One meeting with JD Vance and

nerves. One meeting with JD Vance and Marco Rubio will turn you into the Ben

Marco Rubio will turn you into the Ben

Marco Rubio will turn you into the Ben Affleck me.

Affleck me.

Affleck me. So, these diplomatic talks might not

So, these diplomatic talks might not

So, these diplomatic talks might not work out. And Europe's not waiting to

work out. And Europe's not waiting to

work out. And Europe's not waiting to take action. Denmark says it's expanding

take action. Denmark says it's expanding

take action. Denmark says it's expanding its military footprint in Greenland over

its military footprint in Greenland over

its military footprint in Greenland over President Trump's push to annex the

President Trump's push to annex the

President Trump's push to annex the Danish territory. You've got Germany,

Danish territory. You've got Germany,

Danish territory. You've got Germany, France, Sweden, and Norway all sending

France, Sweden, and Norway all sending

France, Sweden, and Norway all sending military personnel to the island this

military personnel to the island this

military personnel to the island this week for a joint exercise with Denmark.

week for a joint exercise with Denmark.

week for a joint exercise with Denmark. >> This is wild. Germany, Sweden, France,

>> This is wild. Germany, Sweden, France,

>> This is wild. Germany, Sweden, France, Norway all sent soldiers because of us.

Norway all sent soldiers because of us.

Norway all sent soldiers because of us. And you know they're pissed. They're

And you know they're pissed. They're

And you know they're pissed. They're supposed to be on one of their 37 weeks

supposed to be on one of their 37 weeks

supposed to be on one of their 37 weeks of vacation right now. But no, we have

of vacation right now. But no, we have

of vacation right now. But no, we have to go to war.

to go to war.

to go to war. Yesterday illustrates what a strange

Yesterday illustrates what a strange

Yesterday illustrates what a strange mixture this administration is. Some

mixture this administration is. Some

mixture this administration is. Some some hybrid of war plananes and clown

some hybrid of war plananes and clown

some hybrid of war plananes and clown cars because everyone from resistance

cars because everyone from resistance

cars because everyone from resistance libs to his own vice president has

libs to his own vice president has

libs to his own vice president has compared Trump to Hitler. But I'm pretty

compared Trump to Hitler. But I'm pretty

compared Trump to Hitler. But I'm pretty sure Hitler never took a break from

sure Hitler never took a break from

sure Hitler never took a break from invading Poland TO BE LIKE, "TODAY I

invading Poland TO BE LIKE, "TODAY I

invading Poland TO BE LIKE, "TODAY I JUST VOTE TO TALK ABOUT MILK."

JUST VOTE TO TALK ABOUT MILK."

JUST VOTE TO TALK ABOUT MILK." IT DOES.

NEVER HAPPENED.

NEVER HAPPENED.

NEVER HAPPENED. >> I don't think it happens. But while the

>> I don't think it happens. But while the

>> I don't think it happens. But while the authoritarian experiment is playing out

authoritarian experiment is playing out

authoritarian experiment is playing out on an international level right here in

on an international level right here in

on an international level right here in New York City, we're in the midst of our

New York City, we're in the midst of our

New York City, we're in the midst of our own political experiment. Two weeks ago,

own political experiment. Two weeks ago,

own political experiment. Two weeks ago, our capitalist utopia was invaded by a

our capitalist utopia was invaded by a

our capitalist utopia was invaded by a communist dreamboat, Zoran Mandani. And

communist dreamboat, Zoran Mandani. And

communist dreamboat, Zoran Mandani. And our American patriots have been sounding

our American patriots have been sounding

our American patriots have been sounding the alarm on what's to come. A foreignb

the alarm on what's to come. A foreignb

the alarm on what's to come. A foreignb born Muslim communist who hates the

born Muslim communist who hates the

born Muslim communist who hates the greatest nation on earth and wants to

greatest nation on earth and wants to

greatest nation on earth and wants to change it is now in power. His

change it is now in power. His

change it is now in power. His >> mom Donniey's breadlines coming to the

>> mom Donniey's breadlines coming to the

>> mom Donniey's breadlines coming to the city soon. It's going to be extreme.

city soon. It's going to be extreme.

city soon. It's going to be extreme. It's going to be anti-American

It's going to be anti-American

It's going to be anti-American >> as he plunges the city ever deeper into

>> as he plunges the city ever deeper into

>> as he plunges the city ever deeper into the mess his socialism helped create.

the mess his socialism helped create.

the mess his socialism helped create. >> New York is going to be bankrupt in 6

>> New York is going to be bankrupt in 6

>> New York is going to be bankrupt in 6 months.

months.

months. >> Another great American city is going to

>> Another great American city is going to

>> Another great American city is going to swirl down the drain.

swirl down the drain.

swirl down the drain. >> Down the drain.

>> Down the drain.

>> Down the drain. Down the drain. Have you guys been to

Down the drain. Have you guys been to

Down the drain. Have you guys been to New York during a flash flood?

New York during a flash flood?

New York during a flash flood? Nothing goes down the drain here.

Nothing goes down the drain here.

Nothing goes down the drain here. Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing. Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing. At best, New York will be floating down

At best, New York will be floating down

At best, New York will be floating down the curb next to a used condom.

the curb next to a used condom.

the curb next to a used condom. But we've been warned and we didn't

But we've been warned and we didn't

But we've been warned and we didn't listen. So, let's find out what's in

listen. So, let's find out what's in

listen. So, let's find out what's in store for us in our new segment on Zoran

store for us in our new segment on Zoran

store for us in our new segment on Zoran Mani's New York.

I can see the dawn of a better day for

I can see the dawn of a better day for

I can see the dawn of a better day for humanity.

humanity.

humanity. >> No,

that's a graphics package. Okay,

that's a graphics package. Okay,

that's a graphics package. Okay, it's been two weeks since Sauron seized

it's been two weeks since Sauron seized

it's been two weeks since Sauron seized power in a brutal democratic coup d'eta

power in a brutal democratic coup d'eta

power in a brutal democratic coup d'eta or what some are calling an election.

or what some are calling an election.

or what some are calling an election. So, what nightmare dystopian agenda has

So, what nightmare dystopian agenda has

So, what nightmare dystopian agenda has he pursued since taking office?

he pursued since taking office?

he pursued since taking office? >> On Tuesday, Mayor Mamdani grabbed a

>> On Tuesday, Mayor Mamdani grabbed a

>> On Tuesday, Mayor Mamdani grabbed a shovel and joined transportation

shovel and joined transportation

shovel and joined transportation department workers to fix a bump at the

department workers to fix a bump at the

department workers to fix a bump at the foot of the bike path before Delansancy

foot of the bike path before Delansancy

foot of the bike path before Delansancy Street.

Street.

Street. >> Yeah. See, that's Oh, whoa, whoa.

>> Yeah. See, that's Oh, whoa, whoa.

>> Yeah. See, that's Oh, whoa, whoa. That's how it starts. Classic communism.

That's how it starts. Classic communism.

That's how it starts. Classic communism. First they level out the roads, then

First they level out the roads, then

First they level out the roads, then they level out the social classes.

they level out the social classes.

they level out the social classes. What else is he doing? Here's Zora

What else is he doing? Here's Zora

What else is he doing? Here's Zora Mandami says he's making a $4 million

Mandami says he's making a $4 million

Mandami says he's making a $4 million commitment to bring modular,

commitment to bring modular,

commitment to bring modular, high-quality bathrooms like these to the

high-quality bathrooms like these to the

high-quality bathrooms like these to the five burrows. Wow. WOW.

Straight out of the well-known communist

Straight out of the well-known communist

Straight out of the well-known communist playbook, everyone poops. No, sir.

playbook, everyone poops. No, sir.

playbook, everyone poops. No, sir. In America, the free market decides who

In America, the free market decides who

In America, the free market decides who poops.

poops.

poops. I always say it's better to piss your

I always say it's better to piss your

I always say it's better to piss your pants as a free man than to use the

pants as a free man than to use the

pants as a free man than to use the toilet as a slave. Okay, Manni, what

toilet as a slave. Okay, Manni, what

toilet as a slave. Okay, Manni, what else are you going to force down our

else are you going to force down our

else are you going to force down our freedom loving throats?

freedom loving throats?

freedom loving throats? >> Mayor Mdani spent this morning

>> Mayor Mdani spent this morning

>> Mayor Mdani spent this morning announcing plans for expanded free child

announcing plans for expanded free child

announcing plans for expanded free child care.

care.

care. >> No longer do New Yorkers have to make

>> No longer do New Yorkers have to make

>> No longer do New Yorkers have to make the choice between this city and their

the choice between this city and their

the choice between this city and their family.

family.

family. >> No, no, no. New Yorkers should be

>> No, no, no. New Yorkers should be

>> No, no, no. New Yorkers should be watching their own kids at all times.

watching their own kids at all times.

watching their own kids at all times. It's called personal responsibility.

It's called personal responsibility.

It's called personal responsibility. Isn't that right, Jordan Jr. Jordan?

If anyone sees my child, feed him,

If anyone sees my child, feed him,

If anyone sees my child, feed him, please.

please.

please. Besides, if you're watching right-wing

Besides, if you're watching right-wing

Besides, if you're watching right-wing news, you know what a mom Donnie child

news, you know what a mom Donnie child

news, you know what a mom Donnie child care scheme is going to look like. Do

care scheme is going to look like. Do

care scheme is going to look like. Do you remember that cringy YouTube star

you remember that cringy YouTube star

you remember that cringy YouTube star for the toddler set and Palestinian

for the toddler set and Palestinian

for the toddler set and Palestinian advocate, Miss Rachel? Well, she's

advocate, Miss Rachel? Well, she's

advocate, Miss Rachel? Well, she's teaming up with your favorite mayor

teaming up with your favorite mayor

teaming up with your favorite mayor comrade Mandani. If you're happy and you

comrade Mandani. If you're happy and you

comrade Mandani. If you're happy and you know it, and you really want to show it.

know it, and you really want to show it.

know it, and you really want to show it. If you're happy and you know it, clap

If you're happy and you know it, clap

If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.

your hands.

your hands. >> Oh man, that's

>> Oh man, that's

>> Oh man, that's terrible. I

I think I think Yes. I think Well, you

I think I think Yes. I think Well, you

I think I think Yes. I think Well, you know what? Why don't Why don't you tell

know what? Why don't Why don't you tell

know what? Why don't Why don't you tell me why this is terrible?

me why this is terrible?

me why this is terrible? >> She's normalizing these socialist ideas

>> She's normalizing these socialist ideas

>> She's normalizing these socialist ideas for children and their parents.

for children and their parents.

for children and their parents. >> Oh, right. Right. We can't normalize the

>> Oh, right. Right. We can't normalize the

>> Oh, right. Right. We can't normalize the socialist ideas of being happy

socialist ideas of being happy

socialist ideas of being happy and knowing it

and knowing it

and knowing it AND

AND REALLY WANTING TO SHOW IT. NO, NO,

AND REALLY WANTING TO SHOW IT. NO, NO,

AND REALLY WANTING TO SHOW IT. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. I you know what? I am sorry.

NO, NO, NO. I you know what? I am sorry.

NO, NO, NO. I you know what? I am sorry. I am I am really trying hard to get into

I am I am really trying hard to get into

I am I am really trying hard to get into this whole anti-Momdani red scare fever.

this whole anti-Momdani red scare fever.

this whole anti-Momdani red scare fever. But you know what? I'm going to give him

But you know what? I'm going to give him

But you know what? I'm going to give him a chance. From everything I've seen, it

a chance. From everything I've seen, it

a chance. From everything I've seen, it does not look like he's an unamerican

does not look like he's an unamerican

does not look like he's an unamerican extremist looking to add foreign

extremist looking to add foreign

extremist looking to add foreign influence into this city.

influence into this city.

influence into this city. >> One thing that we will change is we will

>> One thing that we will change is we will

>> One thing that we will change is we will be installing a few bedets into Gracie

be installing a few bedets into Gracie

be installing a few bedets into Gracie Mansion.

Mansion.

Mansion. >> A bedet?

>> A bedet?

>> A bedet? A bed? You monster.

A bed? You monster.

A bed? You monster. HOW DARE YOU WASH YOUR BUTT?

HOW DARE YOU WASH YOUR BUTT?

HOW DARE YOU WASH YOUR BUTT? You take that coarse one ply and mash it

You take that coarse one ply and mash it

You take that coarse one ply and mash it around like you're killing a spider up

around like you're killing a spider up

around like you're killing a spider up there like an American.

Huh? But while we watch New York

Huh? But while we watch New York

Huh? But while we watch New York collapse into a nightmare of belabored

collapse into a nightmare of belabored

collapse into a nightmare of belabored rectal hygiene before our very eyes,

rectal hygiene before our very eyes,

rectal hygiene before our very eyes, I think it's fair to ask the question,

I think it's fair to ask the question,

I think it's fair to ask the question, two weeks into the Mdani administration,

two weeks into the Mdani administration,

two weeks into the Mdani administration, is it a total failure? Josh Johnson hit

is it a total failure? Josh Johnson hit

is it a total failure? Josh Johnson hit the streets to find out. Zora Mandani

the streets to find out. Zora Mandani

the streets to find out. Zora Mandani has only been in office for 2 weeks, but

has only been in office for 2 weeks, but

has only been in office for 2 weeks, but it's felt like hundreds of hours, and

it's felt like hundreds of hours, and

it's felt like hundreds of hours, and things in New York are already falling

things in New York are already falling

things in New York are already falling apart.

apart.

apart. Hi guys from the New York City bus where

Hi guys from the New York City bus where

Hi guys from the New York City bus where Mayor mom Donnie he promised us a free

Mayor mom Donnie he promised us a free

Mayor mom Donnie he promised us a free ride but guess what we got instead?

ride but guess what we got instead?

ride but guess what we got instead? Higher bus fairs. Yes, that is right.

Higher bus fairs. Yes, that is right.

Higher bus fairs. Yes, that is right. Today the price of this bus went up to

Today the price of this bus went up to

Today the price of this bus went up to $3.

$3.

$3. >> Yes, just like the lady on that

>> Yes, just like the lady on that

>> Yes, just like the lady on that immaculately clean bus said this city is

immaculately clean bus said this city is

immaculately clean bus said this city is going to hell. So I hit the streets just

going to hell. So I hit the streets just

going to hell. So I hit the streets just to see how bad hell is.

to see how bad hell is.

to see how bad hell is. >> I feel like he holds great promise and

>> I feel like he holds great promise and

>> I feel like he holds great promise and I'm really excited by all the things

I'm really excited by all the things

I'm really excited by all the things that could happen. But all the

that could happen. But all the

that could happen. But all the businesses are going to leave and

businesses are going to leave and

businesses are going to leave and everything. I mean, a couple months ago,

everything. I mean, a couple months ago,

everything. I mean, a couple months ago, there was a Halloween store where you

there was a Halloween store where you

there was a Halloween store where you could buy any Halloween supplies you

could buy any Halloween supplies you

could buy any Halloween supplies you wanted and now they're gone.

wanted and now they're gone.

wanted and now they're gone. >> Yeah.

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah. >> You know, is that Mum Donnie?

>> You know, is that Mum Donnie?

>> You know, is that Mum Donnie? >> That seems like it's the calendar.

>> That seems like it's the calendar.

>> That seems like it's the calendar. >> From what I can see, he's been going

>> From what I can see, he's been going

>> From what I can see, he's been going pretty strong.

pretty strong.

pretty strong. >> I mean, have they even released the

>> I mean, have they even released the

>> I mean, have they even released the monthly crime stats yet for the first

monthly crime stats yet for the first

monthly crime stats yet for the first two weeks that he's been in office? I

two weeks that he's been in office? I

two weeks that he's been in office? I mean, what's he hiding? There are so

mean, what's he hiding? There are so

mean, what's he hiding? There are so many issues, but I feel like he's he's

many issues, but I feel like he's he's

many issues, but I feel like he's he's going in strong, but he wants to first

going in strong, but he wants to first

going in strong, but he wants to first like assemble a strong team.

like assemble a strong team.

like assemble a strong team. >> Affordability is definitely an issue in

>> Affordability is definitely an issue in

>> Affordability is definitely an issue in New York City. I mean, the Knicks and

New York City. I mean, the Knicks and

New York City. I mean, the Knicks and the Rangers have to be roommates above a

the Rangers have to be roommates above a

the Rangers have to be roommates above a train station. Why don't you think Mundy

train station. Why don't you think Mundy

train station. Why don't you think Mundy has done anything about that yet?

has done anything about that yet?

has done anything about that yet? >> You got to give him a chance. You can't

>> You got to give him a chance. You can't

>> You got to give him a chance. You can't expect the world to turn around in two

expect the world to turn around in two

expect the world to turn around in two weeks.

weeks.

weeks. >> Where do you rank him as far as recent

>> Where do you rank him as far as recent

>> Where do you rank him as far as recent mayors in these first two weeks

mayors in these first two weeks

mayors in these first two weeks >> as of today?

>> as of today?

>> as of today? >> Yeah.

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah. >> Number one.

>> Number one.

>> Number one. >> Number one. So, two weeks is both

>> Number one. So, two weeks is both

>> Number one. So, two weeks is both nothing and he's the best mayor we've

nothing and he's the best mayor we've

nothing and he's the best mayor we've ever had.

ever had.

ever had. >> I don't disagree.

>> I don't disagree.

>> I don't disagree. >> Does it bother you that Mandani hasn't

>> Does it bother you that Mandani hasn't

>> Does it bother you that Mandani hasn't plowed a single inch of snow so far?

plowed a single inch of snow so far?

plowed a single inch of snow so far? >> Well, we haven't had snow.

>> Well, we haven't had snow.

>> Well, we haven't had snow. >> I mean, is that an excuse really in the

>> I mean, is that an excuse really in the

>> I mean, is that an excuse really in the past 2 weeks? How long have you waited

past 2 weeks? How long have you waited

past 2 weeks? How long have you waited to uh get into a restaurant?

to uh get into a restaurant?

to uh get into a restaurant? >> 30 minutes.

>> 30 minutes.

>> 30 minutes. >> Did you ever think you'd see food lines

>> Did you ever think you'd see food lines

>> Did you ever think you'd see food lines like that in America?

like that in America?

like that in America? >> Um,

>> Um,

>> Um, sadly, the public has already been

sadly, the public has already been

sadly, the public has already been brainwashed by the party. They're eager

brainwashed by the party. They're eager

brainwashed by the party. They're eager to conform to whatever mom dying decrees

to conform to whatever mom dying decrees

to conform to whatever mom dying decrees and he's bringing government into the

and he's bringing government into the

and he's bringing government into the most private place possible.

most private place possible.

most private place possible. >> So I heard the bathrooms he's installing

>> So I heard the bathrooms he's installing

>> So I heard the bathrooms he's installing in Midtown are going to be mandatory. I

in Midtown are going to be mandatory. I

in Midtown are going to be mandatory. I mean that is the nanny state,

mean that is the nanny state,

mean that is the nanny state, >> you know,

>> you know,

>> you know, >> you know, telling you when to poop, when

>> you know, telling you when to poop, when

>> you know, telling you when to poop, when not to poop.

not to poop.

not to poop. >> I think it's an issue of welcome to New

>> I think it's an issue of welcome to New

>> I think it's an issue of welcome to New York, we know you got to poop. You know,

York, we know you got to poop. You know,

York, we know you got to poop. You know, >> that should be a slogan.

>> that should be a slogan.

>> that should be a slogan. >> I agree.

>> I agree.

>> I agree. >> That should be a welcome to New York, we

>> That should be a welcome to New York, we

>> That should be a welcome to New York, we know you got to poop. This guy was so on

know you got to poop. This guy was so on

know you got to poop. This guy was so on board with Zoron's propaganda, he

board with Zoron's propaganda, he

board with Zoron's propaganda, he wouldn't let the free press ask any more

wouldn't let the free press ask any more

wouldn't let the free press ask any more questions.

questions.

questions. >> There are some people who would say and

>> There are some people who would say and

>> There are some people who would say and did say leaving election.

did say leaving election.

did say leaving election. >> All you all you people

>> All you all you people

>> All you all you people >> who are saying, "Oh, he sucks. He suck."

>> who are saying, "Oh, he sucks. He suck."

>> who are saying, "Oh, he sucks. He suck." You don't know the answer to that

You don't know the answer to that

You don't know the answer to that question

question

question >> cuz it's been two weeks.

>> cuz it's been two weeks.

>> cuz it's been two weeks. >> It's only been two weeks. They're

>> It's only been two weeks. They're

>> You don't even know them. NO,

>> You don't even know them. NO,

>> You don't even know them. NO, >> MAN. Aie with that.