Original subtitles

Mark, I've changed my mind.

Oh, don't be silly.

Just unpack.

Wait a minute.

I should first write my sister a note.

She might be worried about me, huh?

You want her to know who you're here with?

About us, no.

Naturally not.

All right, then.

I want you so much.

Mark?

That makes me so nervous.

Mark?

Wouldn't you like to eat something?

But we just finished our dinner, didn't we?

It's funny, but lately I'm always hungry.

My sweetheart, before going to sleep at night, you mustn't eat so much.

It's bad for your figure.

You're right.

I've been awful.

You get it.

My father said to knock.

This bottle's here for you.

Oh, Mark.

He looked at me so strangely.

I wonder what he thinks of me.

Very likely that you're my wife.

Okay, put it down like a good girl.

Take my clothing out.

Give me this open towel.

Get our pajamas out.

Well, don't just stand around.

We're not children anymore.

You'll have to become used to this.

Don't you want to grow up now?

Yes.

It sure is hot in here.

I need to freshen up a bit.

How about you?

Should I turn the fan on, dearest?

No.

It makes me very nervous.

Now come, take your clothes off.

Stop playing hard to get.

Don't turn around, Mark.

Okay, I won't turn around.

Tell me, do you like to go to bed with a novel?

Or someone who's read one.

Don't talk like that.

Outside of reading, I've no other love in my life.

Excepting you.

Can I turn around yet?

No.

Then will you bring the darn bottle over?

No, but you might... Yes, dear, just bring it over here.

Like a shot?

No.

Oh, well, just a little.

Thanks.

Mark.

In college, I used to imagine what my husband would be like.

Yeah?

And what you wish for?

And when our wedding day would be.

And the honeymoon.

Do you think it's old hat to have a honeymoon?

Honeymoon?

Excuses and reasons for a couple...

to go to a place for a vacation where once they had relations... Cheers.

Fooey, Mark.

I wonder if I...

if I misjudged.

Give me another drink.

Mark, you have such broad shoulders.

And so brown.

Makes me all goose bumps.

They come and go.

Mark, hear me out now.

Don't turn around, Mark.

What's wrong, Mark?

No, I can't play this scene.

No?

No, I can't.

It stinks on ice.

It makes me sick.

It revolts me to utter such speeches.

It's vulgar to make someone say such speeches.

How wild this modern stuff is.

What's happened?

What's going on here?

What is it?

What's happened?

What's going on here?

What is it anyway?

Do it!

What?

Oh, but Dinah, you just can't quit cold when the premiere is only a week off.

Just do this scene.

Don't spoil it now.

The scene is right.

We can't just change it.

Suddenly we have a prima donna.

All right, Barbara, don't start to bait her now.

I can also stop out.

You gorgeous Dinah.

Shouting like mad that she will not play the role.

She cannot.

I saw the touching way she kissed him.

Like a backer when his wife comes by.

Barbara.

Doctor.

Yes, Mr. Gregor.

Send someone down to water.

We'll take a little breather.

But no one's to go.

We'll make up our lost time later.

Yes, Mr. Gregor.

Here, no one's to go.

We'll pick up our lost time later.

I'm gonna go.

I've been waiting for something like this.

He's gonna take Dinah to the coffee shop and

talk to her about the ins and outs of life.

And I'm gonna be right there listening.

I'll bet you think I'm a stagehand because I'm

up here with all this electrical equipment.

So do they down there.

And that's because I am in perfect stagehand disguise.

Come here.

I'm really George.

The bellboy at the Happy Holiday Hotel next door.

But I'm not gonna be a bellboy forever.

I'm taking a correspondence course.

How to be a detective and be popular with women.

My big ambition is to be the Happy Holiday Hotel house detective.

But I have a problem.

A really good hotel detective has to know how to handle women.

And that's my problem.

Women scare me.

And most of all, bad women scare me.

And you know how hotels are.

So I sneak in here in stagehand disguise every chance I get

to learn how to handle women from the director, Mr. Gregor.

He knows everything about handling women.

And all there is to know about feminine behavior.

Come on with me.

You'll see what I mean.

Make us a cup of your fine coffee.

Why, with pleasure.

Miss Weaver, I don't have to hit around with an old dear such as you.

We'll only need ten minutes in private now.

I understand.

No matter what Mr. Gregor would ask, I'd agree to.

Take all the time you want.

It'll be only a few minutes.

Well, Dinah.

What's all this?

What am I to do when an actress breaks up on stage in a scene and then says she

cannot even imagine sleeping here before her marriage?

I beg your pardon.

Spending a night with her lover.

You cannot act that naive.

Is it so awful?

Oh, little child.

That makes for a wholesome attitude, but...

It's vice, and I'm old-fashioned and modest, frigid, a puritan, just take your pick.

But I cannot play this role with Jerry.

Ah, so.

Then you quarreled.

You're bitter, huh?

Tell me what happened.

Bitter?

We were as good as engaged.

And then, last weekend, we were both free, and Jerry made plans for us to go away.

We went to a secluded hotel and we were having a most wonderful time.

Then Jerry came to my room and announced that I owed him something.

Uh-huh.

And I told him I owed him nothing, that there

were no strings attached to our vacation.

He tried every trick in the book to make me go to bed with him.

He even used that stay-align if I really loved him.

This was a way to prove it.

So I cut our weekend short.

Yes, but... But you said that you two were as good as engaged.

He wanted... he volunteered to marry you.

But we were not yet married legally.

Sure, but dine now.

All right, I'll end up a confirmed spinster.

My attitude stems from before the Middle Ages.

My daughter, dear.

Oh, those olden days weren't all that virtuous.

They didn't have our faults.

Ah, you are mistaken, my dear one.

The birth of Venus, or Aphrodite, if you prefer her Greek name.

There's the perfect example of what I mean.

Aphrodite was the goddess of pure love.

Well, that depends purely on your definition of pure.

Don't forget, the Greeks weren't exactly marriage conscious.

They thought too much of love to let a mere legal document stand in their way.

You are too cynical.

Love is more than just a signing of a piece of paper.

Marriage and love are synonymous.

You're deluding yourself, dear dine her.

You can have marriage without love.

And on the other hand, you can have true love without marriage.

Are you implying that the Greeks led a double life?

The great orator Demosthenes put it this way.

Someone has to watch the house and rear the children.

That's what wives are for.

Wives are for procreation and concubines for relaxation.

Oh, he even knows women way back to that old Greek, Venus, before she lost her arms.

Boy, the way he tells a story, you can just see it

happening with him and his actors playing the parts.

When he talks women, they come to life.

In ancient Greece, the hetira were man's hobby.

Sort of a walking, do-it-yourself, love-making kit?

The hetira you're sneering at now were the forerunners of emancipated women.

They were a strong political force and they had their own sort of guild or union.

I suppose that when they went out on a strike, they struck for longer working hours.

No, they worked for the government.

The government?

Maybe that's the origin of the expression, politics breeds strange bedfellows.

Gregor, I don't believe all that.

I would have loved to have lived in those times.

She's far the best one I've seen here.

Dear Helena, let's toast the housewife.

May she never equal us.

Not in spirit.

And not beg pardon in body.

Lovely Helena.

You know me, dear.

I am Portian.

I have often been your pleasured guest.

Oh, now surely, Portian.

Ah, Portira, I've missed you.

I've missed you too.

And this is you, Fredina, my daughter.

I want you to teach her all you know about being a woman.

And since she's not undeveloped, I'm sure she'll do her homework nicely.

I hear the end of Greece's rain draws near, and

warriors are coming with their swords from Rome.

And in these trying times, being a hater is a

good profession, so I've given to understand.

Very well, then.

Since she's your daughter, we'll do our best.

I've overstayed the hour.

Make what there is to make of her.

Farewell.

My dear child, be brave, artful, and do all

that your very fine teachers want you to do.

Farewell.

Now, my dear child, what is your name?

My eldest name be Euphrodina.

Euphrodina, love.

Euphrodina, sweet.

Now, let's see what's to be done here.

She's so thoroughly hidden under these ugly things, that I wonder if a woman's there.

We'll see now, after fixing her up, if she fits the bill.

I'll bet she's mighty, mighty fetching.

Ah, my lovely child, the life of a hater is not so simple.

At first, it's all effort and hardship.

Desira.

Desira, will you initiate this primitive infantile equine until she understands all

the outs and the ins?

Out?

Now, pupil, a really good hater I'm sure you'll never be.

You don't have enough going for you.

I knew your mother.

Maybe we'll start you in the chorus, when we have our next fashion show or

short drama where you won't be prominent if we're busy and overflowing.

And although you're new at this business of loving, still we might, if we're nice,

find you a man who's here on an errand of love, and yes, so we.

Oh, for the love of Zeus, this maiden's still wearing her virgin's bow.

What do you want to do, scare our best clients away?

Must one rest immodestly in this house of love?

The older hater don't.

They have no need to.

But now an amateur, well, you should give not get not.

Oh, a type like you must make the best of impressions.

That is all I can do for her.

What?

Hasn't she any talent?

When her talent's lacking, what can a man awaken?

But I fear she shows nothing.

You, Fredina, take a few steps.

I gather, my lovely Felina, that in our craft there's a talent shortage problem.

If now it is short, how will it be in years to come, words?

Oh, there you are, Gardonius.

You know, you've angered me by being here so late.

Are you mine, dear, or have you forgotten?

Calm yourself, Felina.

And where else would I visit, dear?

I had to meet my sister and stay to supper.

Oh.

Say, where has this lovely newcomer been?

Oh, some dumb thing without a home.

The maiden has no warmth, no talent in her.

Fred Gardonius, speak to me and tell me you're my true love.

Of course, of course.

Excuse me, please.

Gardonius is my name.

You've heard of me?

I think not.

There's lots to learn, then.

That's what my father says.

Oh, yes?

I hate these big shot of tears.

They believe they have a copyright on love.

Whining's all they do here.

If I want, I could teach them something about love.

Beware, then.

I'll take you at your word.

I know it's madness.

But I will do it.

They'll both turn green with jealousy when I take off with their best customer.

Come.

Come with me.

She goes with me.

And no one else will do.

Well, that sure was quite a brief career.

Gardonius, can't you see she's gawky?

She's so inexperienced.

You prefer that virgin to me.

No, I don't think that, no.

She seems so housewife-ish.

I'm going to take her for my wedded spouse.

I'll bring her to my house.

And in an hour, I'll be back here with you.

Wait for me, beloved.

I see.

Now, that's a lot different.

In those days, a girl couldn't trust her own father.

Can you imagine turning that good, innocent girl over to those professional bad women?

Well, anyway, the good girl won.

Where did the bad girl win?

Well, the facts are, some girls are good, some girls are bad.

Hey, I got to get back to work.

I got to whip back to the switchboard at the colorful, happy holiday hotel.

I worked as a switchboard operator, bellboy, assistant janitor, janitor,

and elevator operator.

Of course, the elevator wasn't working for the last three years, but that was okay,

because we used the elevator shaft as a large, stalled shower for the help.

But my big ambition was to someday be the happy holiday hotel's house detective.

I don't want to talk any longer because I'm going to be home.

I don't know what I'm doing.

What do I mean if you plug this line in?

Don't care.

I think someone's on our line.

Happy holiday hotel!

Yes, ma'am.

Yes, ma'am.

Thank you.

The hotel door was kicked in quickly, there before they could run or hide where

the five broads... Borders, haha.

Five rods.

Borders.

Yes, ma'am.

Yes, yes.

Yes, the bridal suite's available.

Yes, no, no, we don't require licenses.

Yes.

Thank you.

They were beautiful.

They had everything Borders should have.

Gorgeous eyes.

Ruby lips.

Rent.

And the biggest pair of...

Hello.

Room service.

Yes, ma'am.

Will you please.

..

Yes, ma'am.

Girls in 229.

I knew I was on to something.

Madam.

Her girls.

They can only add up to one thing.

And it's not a boarding school.

I remained calm.

And continued as though things were perfectly normal.

Oh, I wish those suitcases would come.

You girls make me nervous standing there with no clothes on.

Now, Mr. Jenkin, our most important customer is coming today.

So I want you all to look your best.

I'm told he can make or break girls in our profession.

I'm sure he'll make us, Madam Wimplepool.

I'm sure too, dear.

Girls in our profession.

Such women like to call their work...

a profession.

One o'clock in the afternoon.

The evidence looked pretty conclusive.

Madam plus girls plus profession plus fancy panties equals room 229.

Some sort of racket was definitely going on.

Next step, find out exactly what.

We'd better get our laundry on before Madam comes.

Lulu, will you please hurry up and get ready?

Come on girls now, hurry up.

Something wrong with your eyes.

More mascara would do it, I think.

Okay, Fifi, help her with her hair.

It's terrible.

What I need is more efficiency from this organization.

More organization from this organization.

Mr. Jenkin will be here any minute.

And nobody is ready.

I wish that things would arrive here.

Where is that bellboy?

Oh, what a stupid place to leave the thing.

All right girls, they're here.

Let's hurry up.

All right girls, they've arrived.

Lulu, help her unpack this and we'll give them out.

Okay, Fifi, that's yours.

That will look good on you.

You keep the spotted one.

These women are especially fond of silk and lacy underthings.

These women are especially fond of silk and lacy underthings.

Such women are definitely... Such women are definitely...

Look good on you sweetheart.

You wear that one.

Fine.

Fifi, that's yours.

You keep that one Lulu.

No, it's the wrong shade.

That black one, you see it?

That's the one right.

Sweetheart, catch this.

This is yours.

And here's the black top that goes with it.

Remember, it's very low slum.

What did my correspondence course say to do next?

You're on your own?

This was it.

Room 229.

Nest of vice and corruption and sex.

And nastiness and sex.

And evil and badness and sex.

That'll go right in there and break that up.

It's very strange.

Well, what I was afraid of has finally happened.

Real live professional women at the Happy Holiday Hotel.

And I sure wasn't ready for them.

They scared me.

I'd better see what Mr. Gregor is doing to handle his problem.

Might help me with my problem.

Must we strip?

Yes, we must, yes.

We must, yes.

Can I eat dinner yet Mr. Gregor?

No Mr. Weber, only when the scene is perfect.

Got it, huh?

Nothing comes easy in this life.

Okay, ready?

In your places please, quiet.

Now ready, go.

He's from the school that personally delves into everything, eh?

Yes, for 12 years he's been trying to delve into me.

I'll have you know in private, naturally.

He is over sexed or under.

Stop it, Barbara.

Hey kids, hear this.

There was a tenor son of a child on the sidewalk with a kind of a hound.

They're out and they're promenading around.

I'm not about to admit that it's right for unmarried.

I'll withdraw gladly from the role right now.

I'd like to let you out myself, but I can't with just five days to the premiere.

Tell me, where have you found such unfortunate views on love?

And men and women and morals and I don't know what else.

You rave that decency and ethics are at a low ebb in the 20th century.

Mr. Gregor, no smoking.

An ash tray!

What you've heard about knighthood and chivalry is all literary invention.

Good old days, huh?

Lots of luck.

You're just simple minded if you believe that rot.

No, they weren't as fine as all that.

Those middle ages, believe me.

Those coy young maidens.

So true and handsome men with them and no fear of battle.

Mr. Gregor, if you have an ax to grind with your conscience please don't be so bitter.

At least not with me.

No matter what you say about chivalry.

It's no different now than it was in the 20th century.

Chivalry simply means that a husband helps his friend's wife out of her clothing and

better call that a jacket and then goes back

home and has his near wife help him out of his.

That is good.

It's disgusting.

Not in the middle ages.

They were happy, delightful and joyous in those years.

No bitter.

Well, Charlemagne had 300 wives.

800 wives.

300?

Yeah, 800.

That is so historically.

Alright, Charlemagne had 800 wives.

And later the knights in Arthur's time had one.

One.

One.

800 wives and one knight?

Five women and one bellboy.

One house detective.

And this one was often left alone.

Well, there were the crusades in those days.

True, but most of the time was spent in the field where

life was a continuous round of hunting and jousting.

You certainly can't object to a man testing his manhood.

Ah, but when he tested his manhood he neglected to do it where

his manhood would meet its greatest test in his own castle.

Well, the women must have understood.

Yes, of course.

She just idled away her time with other devices.

Before long a figure in armour appeared.

Her husband came home.

No.

A knight who was interested in a less violent form of jousting.

You're suggesting she was unfaithful?

Maybe not right away.

But when the knight and his shield bearer went to the trouble of bringing a snack,

then a tetetet was in order.

And I leave it to you, Dinah, if stone and mortar can be scaled.

What a mere flesh and blood.

This whole story's an invention.

Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Love like necessity, dear Dinah is the mother of invention.

and though the first elevators step to the rear of the basket please, first floor

ladies lingerie, Ladies' bed linen, ladies' perfume, ladies'...

Ladies' what?

Just ladies, period.

A little more to the side.

Careful with that hand.

There, like this.

All right, now.

Now, now.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Eric, my sword, my sword.

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

I breast his poise to hold him tight.

His passion mounts, his blood gets warmer.

His heart's aglow and burning bright.

He's also hot inside his armor.

Were my husband to come, I'd be embarrassed.

My shield bearer will notify us of any danger, and I'll defend your honor if your

husband comes.

And should he come, I promise you.

And my honor, I'll fight him with this sword.

With my sword?

Knucklehead sword.

I vow, with my sword, will I always honor your fair name, dear.

That is good.

As you want your sword, oh, darling knight, so I want my honor.

Might, might, might your husband come, dearest?

I doubt it.

For where he is, he's bound to stay a while.

What a swine of a husband, who'd leave his wife so helpless and lonely.

My wife diners in my abode with guards, and she is never unprotected.

That's how I left her before stealing off here.

Take all that armor off.

And do it quickly.

I hope you're as strong as that iron in my boudoir.

But that is not so easy.

It is very strong.

It was made special.

It's hand-hammered.

That's enough now.

Just show me how much you love me.

Come and show me if you really come from the stock here as a maid of.

I think that every castle and every woman has a core that is weak.

And it fills my heart with joy.

Divide and you will conquer.

My sword, I love you so.

Keep talking and you won't get the chance.

Yes, yes, yes.

That's right.

Wait a minute.

Damn it.

It seems like the night air turned my best suit to rust.

It seems you might be rusty too.

Oh, that's my man.

What is it?

Someone coming?

Speak up!

Can I go and eat now?

No, not now.

Must you always think of eating in the midst of lovemaking?

Love is hard to make with armor on, sir.

Oh, too rust at such a time as this.

It is no friend of love.

Were I to do it again, I would have been a monk for sure.

Their habits are so easy to take off.

That will teach you to wear iron underclothes when you call on a damsel.

Can I help you with my meals, Rusty?

My lord.

What?

A man is coming.

Shame.

But now it's too late.

Back in the basket so my husband won't catch you.

Quick now.

See you don't run into each other.

Let him come.

The way to my abode is remote off the beaten track.

Well, that's the road he's coming on, dearest.

Just ask your wife what he does with his rusty mail.

The soap.

The soap.

Soap!

How dare you take advantage of my wife, you son of an ogre.

You have dishonored my wife.

Dragged her name in the mud like a hill.

Sure.

He's quite aware of rust, so...

He left his armor here, gallant one.

All that you've told me, Mr. Gregor, sounds

like your mind needs to be washed out with soap.

Dinah.

Yes, what is it?

May I speak with you a moment?

Oh, leave me alone.

You're as awful as all the rest.

Keep your kind words to yourself.

You laugh at all their dirty jokes and stories.

It's all Sodom and Gomorrah.

You make me wish I was... was out of here.

Oh, no, no.

All right.

Do what you please.

You know, Jerry, women might look different, but underneath we're all the same.

You might do better and have more luck if you'd slap them around.

Yes, it's good for one of the weaker sex.

When man is hard and firm.

Well, anyhow, just treat her rough.

She'll come begging you.

Come off of it, both of you.

What do you think this is, a three-ring circus?

We are here to put a play on and not to coach maidens on the facts of life.

Coach maidens on the facts of life.

Those maidens in 229, they don't need any coaching.

They already know the facts of life.

But I don't.

So I have got to get inside that room.

And I think I know how.

Boy, if I make good on this, Mr. Happy Holiday, the owner of the Happy Holiday

Hotel, he'll have enough confidence in me to

make me Happy Holiday Hotel House Detective.

I heard those girls talking, those girls in 229, and

they said they were expecting a Mr. Jenkins, a man.

So, I'll be a man.

Mr. Jenkins, I presume.

Three o'clock in the afternoon.

Objective, room 229.

Reason, girls.

Situation, undressed.

Best possibility to handle it, disguise.

Thank you.

My girls will be down here in a minute.

Oh, they're all so excited at meeting you.

And so will you be.

When you see what we have for you.

Oh, yes, we have the cutest little things.

Oh, dear, my girls are so charming.

I'll bring them down now.

Oh, if you see anything you like, let me

know right away and you can take it with you.

Now, this is Lulu.

You notice those trim lines.

That bulging top and that cute little bottom.

Very smart number.

You just throw it into your suitcase and you're off to the Italian Riviera,

or Palm Springs.

Now, I can arrange for this little number for only $9.98.

Including federal tax.

What a crime.

What a shame.

$9.98.

What a slur on humanity.

What a buy.

And now we have Fifi.

We're having a special on this little number today.

He knows that naughty look.

Daring.

One of our best bedroom accessories.

22, 32, 68.

Extraordinary.

Of course, sir, you realize you don't have to pick out just two or three.

You can take as many of them as you want.

You know, last week we had a customer who bought 200.

She's wearing a remarkable two-piece outfit with strings that remove either

piece at a moment's notice.

Charming for Hollywood-type parties.

It's a raid!

It's a raid!

Oh, Mr. Jenkins, please!

Is there another door?

I've got to get out of here.

How do you do?

Albert Jenkins.

I had an appointment.

Jenkins?

Albert Jay, yeah.

Oh, very strange.

Please, won't you come in?

Yeah, please.

Come in.

Down.

Excuse me.

Thank you.

Just another service of a happy holiday hotel, ma'am.

Very strange.

Well, how about that for fast thinking?

By styles beginning to shape up, I got inside the room.

A good detective always works...

A good detective always works best from the inside.

But those girls are still hiding something.

And I've got to uncover it.

I've got to learn more about that kind of woman.

Where is the doctor, that troubleshooter?

Here I am.

All right.

Mind you now, if you so much as ask me about eating, just one more time,

I warn you I'll explode.

Well, I just can't win around here.

So, my dear performers, the role that was diners will be played by Barbara.

Oh, no.

Yes.

We'll begin with scene five where we left off.

Take your positions.

Good.

Just what I needed.

Now I'll find out for Mr. Gregor how to handle this kind of woman.

Barbara, you can take the script on stage.

I know the script.

Yes, but don't play it too realistically.

Some things are still not permitted.

All right, please, let's go.

End places, make it better.

Yes.

This is it.

Staying here long?

Till morning.

Good.

Maybe longer.

I must ask about it now, you see.

This is my best room here, mister.

If you don't like it, say so.

It's very good.

We'll be staying just tonight.

What a nice place for sleeping.

That speech is not the script.

I must once stick to the damn script always.

Anyhow, I have another interpretation of the role.

Let's do it from the speech starting with in college.

Mark.

In college, I used to imagine what my darling husband would be like.

What did you wish for?

Hmm... You know...

A real man from head to toe.

And one old wedding day it would be.

Now, here she takes her clothes off.

The bit with the fan, huh?

Now, the words here are just gab that stretches it.

I'd slowly walk toward him and then I'd grab him.

You're freezing, Mark.

It's shocking.

What do you mean, shocking?

Oh, can't you see that's what the public wants?

We'll really kill them.

I think we must get some laughs in there.

It will come across much better.

Along the comedy line and from an erotic standpoint, I think she's right.

No.

So now it's a comedy, huh?

My dear underlings, you're confusing emotion which is truly erotic with sex.

Erotic comes from eros, that's love.

And sex comes from coarse instincts that

attempts to bring eros down to its low level.

And you're doing much the same thing here, Barbara.

Oh, how sensitive, my dearest Gregor.

Preach on love and emotion, that's my topic.

On these points, I'm an expert, believe me, my dear.

Oh, what is this prude with her idiotic

moralizing done to everyone around here anyway?

With a child, where's that?

She should read fairy tales, not adult lines.

Declaring how in those days all was so wonderful, how saintly they were,

with love for each other, so reliable and so

blemishless, odourless, sinless and sexless, huh?

Dinah.

Dinah.

Huh?

Oh, out of my way.

Dinah, you see that no one else can do this role properly,

so please get a hold of yourself and stop this childishness.

Good, if you wish it.

Okay now, Cass, we'll take it from where Doc comes in, and where's the doctor?

Here.

Er, the bottle, er, bring it.

You know what I mean, Jerry, take it my sweetheart before going to sleep,

from that moment on.

My sweetheart before going?

Yes.

My sweetheart, before going to sleep at night, you mustn't eat so much.

It's bad for your figure.

You're right.

I've been awful.

Naturally you've been awful.

Now either play this or don't play this.

Must you make morons out of everybody?

Gregor was such a steel girdle virgin, I just choke up.

They bicker, and we sit on our rumps and twiddle our thumbs.

Wow, they carry on.

If I'm late, my wife will raise canine.

I've had it up to here, my friends.

My dear actors, I want to do this scene with my

battling leads privately, so take a little break.

Why don't you go and eat in the canteen?

Why, I just came back from eating.

Yeah, I'm full.

Can't I stay right here?

I said go eat!

But listen, no, no, no, no.

I have a lot of work that I have to do yet.

Nothing comes easy in this life.

Dinah doesn't give up.

The director doesn't give up.

And I can't give up either.

Or else Mr. Holliday will never have enough confidence

in me to make me happy holiday hotel house detective.

I've got to move.

Get on the inside again.

Get the evidence.

Then act!

Four in the afternoon.

Still no concrete evidence of activities in room 229.

Next step, bug the room.

Disguise, telephone men.

Cut!

Let's do it again.

Your body is hidden by all the suns.

Okay.

Camera ready?

Off come the clothes.

Good.

Now, into the top.

They were shooting movies in there.

The kind I always used to hear the older guys talk about.

Help!

My correspondent's course in detective work had taught me what to do.

So I did it.

Yes?

Telephone man, man, man.

Well, I didn't call for a telephone man.

Then something must be wrong with your phone.

One second now.

What is the meaning of this?

No meaning, man.

Just facts.

What's going on in that room?

What's the angle here?

What's the deal?

What's your telephone number?

Why, it's temple ball one.

What do you want to know my telephone number for?

Bring the telephone man.

Oh, go away.

I can't.

Why?

You're standing on my foot.

I'm going in that room.

Don't you dare.

I'm going in.

You are not going in.

I'm going in.

Oh, dear.

Oh, what do you want?

I want to get out of here.

You're an evil woman.

And I'm going in that room.

Don't go in there.

Just as I thought you ought to be ashamed to do yourself.

Girlie films.

They shot me.

I could feel the warm blood trickling down my leg.

No, it's just my Hershey bar melting.

All right, you guys.

Get out of that tub.

You young lady, you ought to know better than that.

What the world?

Does your mother know that you're doing this sort of thing?

Oh!

Well, they won't find me here.

What a mess.

What a dilemma.

What do I do now?

I may get fired.

May never find out what's going on in room 229.

May never learn how to get along with women.

May even slug my detective's correspondence course.

I may never be anything but a cowardly bellboy.

Quiet!

What is that noise?

That's as important to me as a cast is to you.

We can't go on without scenery.

Just go to the canteen.

They're food sickening.

Go someplace else.

Like where then?

Like where?

I don't give a damn.

Just go.

Don't shout so.

Come now, we'll make this scene work this time.

I'll explain it clearly.

Now, both of the youngsters find themselves at last all alone.

They're curious about each other.

What now?

What are you?

Yeah, this should hang over the bed right about here.

That's what your stage manager told us.

All right, put the painting up and be quick about it.

Oh, what a shame it is.

You're putting up a Vasaglione.

Such purity over this bawdy house bed.

I might have known.

If some modern bedroom had this kind of classic

painting, there'd be fewer divorces today.

In any case, it's not so really bad to look at now.

This is art in its purest form.

It was never meant to be lascivious or pornographic like you're suggesting.

And here we go again.

Gregor, calm yourself.

Take it easy.

In just five days, we're opening.

Miss Weaver!

Yes?

We're doing nothing.

Would you bring some coffee?

Yes, Mr. Gregor.

Oh, you poor kid.

The Middle Ages, dearest diner, had an easy, offhand, lightly moral behavior.

In those days, everyone was tired of living in darkness.

They developed a craving for light, fresh air, and beauty.

The Renaissance plucked away the drab form -hiding shrouds that passed for clothing

and rediscovered the marvel of the human body.

Mens sana in corpore sano.

A sound mind in a sound body.

As in ancient times, this emerged as the sort after truth.

Then that's why the painters and sculptors turned

their talents to portraying the human body.

Man was the model, but the gods were the ideal.

Venus, Mars, Cupid.

Not exactly.

It was man alone in all his unadorned naturalness whom they wanted to reveal.

They got around convention by claiming their efforts to be gods and goddesses.

But when viewed more closely, they all look unmistakably mortal.

How shameful to be so unashamed.

But why, diner?

Once the beauty of the human body had been rediscovered...

Don't you mean re-uncovered?

Have it your way.

But people began to take better care of their principle.

Assets.

Bathing became fashionable.

Friends met for boughs as we do for lunch and dinner.

It gave them an entirely new outlook on life.

And put some life in their looking.

The royal order of peeping toms.

And the wine, women, and song played on.

I can understand about the men, but what of the women?

Were they all of such loose character and easy virtue?

Ah, but there was no such thing as easy virtue, diner.

Virtue came very, very hard.

In fact, it was practically unattainable.

Now you're twisting my words.

I meant, were all the women so willing to be led down the primrose path?

Why not?

As long as it was strewn with roses.

In the long run, it paid to be freed with their favors.

You mean the chaste maid got tired of never being chaste?

Now you're entering into the spirit of things.

Yes, it was a battle of the sexes even then.

And both sides were always anxious to lay down their arms.

And when it came to capturing the enemy, I imagine it was every woman for herself.

Sort of girl gets boy, girl gets at boy, and then girl gets at girl for getting boy.

I can't to this moment believe that our crow and our captain got married.

Yeah, yeah.

That crow is sure a mistress of her craft.

She's got a mattress full of gold.

Yeah, isn't that why she earned the gold?

And on her door there is no lock to keep on anyone.

He'll crow if he fathers anything.

And if he fathers anything, I'll eat crow.

Come everybody, let's go see what they're doing inside.

Let's take a look and see if the captain is in command now.

Now let's let everyone get a good view.

So that's how women were in those days.

They fought with each other to get a man, and then when they got the man,

they fought with him.

Things haven't changed a bit.

You're just as bad as this Markham you're playing.

So full of selfishness and common yearning.

You're right, naturally we see differences between love

and marriage yesterday and today, but not very great ones.

The one grand difference was this, my dear.

They had their love with some finesse, see?

Today there's much more earthiness.

You see, finesse in their words and in their deeds.

That's so.

Yes, but you're saying, my dear, that it doesn't exist at present.

Oh, I mean the finesse that's not offensive

to approach any woman nicely, not just me.

That is good, Diana, just great.

Let it get really personal.

This is what I mean.

A man and a woman wait for a streetcar to come along before she knows his name,

he asks her if she'd like to see his apartment.

Naturally, and she says yes.

Not me.

Yes, in a special band.

Quickly get your things and move them over.

And she pays all the costs herself.

Children, why are you so nice to each other?

But don't you see I'm right?

Well, she may be right, but I bet that Mr. Gregor's up to something.

No, but I'll have to come back later.

It's almost time for Mr. Holliday to phone in for my daily report.

Come, darling.

There was a time that stands out in the best age of France.

The great era of perfume and of mistresses, of courtesans, of pathetic

slave trade in women the age of first -class bedellos.

Just name it, they had it.

And they also had.

I've got to hear this.

If I don't learn about French women, I won't know all there is to know about women.

Gallantry, asprit, fantasy.

I don't know why you say it's such a great era.

They didn't even wash.

They used perfume instead of soap.

It was the most cosmetic conscious half century in history.

Still, the women couldn't have been all they were painted to be.

They were all that and more.

The great courtesans of that era made the men who made history.

They took weak men and molded them into strong monarchs by keeping them engaged in

the boudoir, rather than on the battlefield.

Cézette.

Cézette.

Yes, madame.

Cézette, take this off my shoulders, please.

Yes, madame.

Oh, no, maestro, I can see it in your eyes.

You don't want to do me with clothes on.

But I do, madame.

Don't, don't.

You're just being nice.

I can see it.

These clothes are tasteless.

This faily stuff makes me feel like an Egyptian mummy in it.

Oh, I feel I'm so absolutely unattractive.

This way.

And you.

Don't you?

Yes, of course, of course.

You're quite right.

I asked you a question, dear.

Didn't you understand it?

No.

Then why do I ever ask you anything?

I don't know that myself.

Oh, and just tell me this.

Why do you sit here and watch?

I want to keep you company, darling.

And that's about all you can do lately, cad.

You have me all wrong.

I'm not Superman.

With a woman like you, love's not just work.

It's a lifetime project.

Oh!

Maestro.

Madame.

Come, is this a good position?

But naturally.

Naturally, Madame.

You shouldn't be so free with your attractions.

There's much too much there.

If you show your line to the layman, then he won't doubt what you've got in stock.

But that makes her hip line too wide.

The maestro will not do a bust, my dear.

He's doing a portrait, right?

Naturally.

But I want to have a busty portrait and no more interference now.

Don't touch.

This is mine and you're against it.

And you just stay out of it.

Don't say that, my love.

Our contract gives me some interest in your affairs.

Oh, forget it.

Contracts are made to be broken.

You know that.

It's a position in which I should not leave her, would you, maestro?

Fear not.

She wishes her likeness to change history.

And mind you, I kind of think she'll make it.

No, no, not that.

Will you please shut up?

You don't know anything except about going to sleep.

This dress is shoddy.

Come, Suzette, let's find another.

Yes, madame.

My present obligations are calling.

Germaine Francois.

Oh, you charmer.

I bet you must have your arms full with that dragon.

Well, you might try it for yourself, dear one, if you'll come to my quarters.

I trusted you once.

I promise I'll be a much better behaved young man.

Well, now not all better.

Well, I don't know about that now.

She's coming.

Now, my oyster, I put on these pearls.

Madame, they become you more than they do the oyster.

Oh, the Baron will be jubilant.

The less apparel you have on, madame, the more money I'll earn for this portrait.

Suzette.

Yes, madame.

Stop getting out of line.

No, madame.

Perhaps you could lift your leg just a bit.

Like this?

Yes, the shawl is just a little bit out of line here.

Better?

Why not show the shawl?

No, no, no, no.

Now then, let me see both hands over your face.

My oyster, you mustn't make me appear like a weeping willow.

You may lower them again.

It's not right.

With the mouth glowing, I just can't do her.

Oh, my oyster, I feel there's something irking you, but what can it...

The pearls.

Beg pardon?

Suzette.

Yes, madame.

Come take the pearls off.

Yes, madame.

The chemise can go also.

Suzette, my diamonds, please.

Yes, madame.

For the brown I will sacrifice all.

Oh, is this cold?

Madame, may I just say that when he sees you like this, he'll try to... Conquer me?

No.

Cover you.

So...

Dyna, I must make a decision about you in regard to the role that you're playing.

I hate to be formal, dear, but I must let you go.

But between us and privately, Dyna, I have the deepest respect for you.

Dyna, I have the deepest respect for you.

Yes, yes, deepest, deepest.

Dyna, I beg you forget all that's happened now.

It was my fault.

Forget it, but play it.

If you'll allow me, I'll run down to the canteen, huh?

Because my mouth's as dry as a desert.

Let her go?

Fire?

That director isn't fooling me.

He's being very clever.

He's gonna let Jerry take care of things from now on.

If I didn't goof everything up all the time,

Mr. Holliday'd have that kind of confidence in me.

Mr. Holliday.

Mr. Holliday!

Mr. Holliday will fire me if I don't get back to that switchboard before he calls in.

Yes, sir, Mr. Holliday.

Yes, sir, Mr. Holliday.

No, sir, Mr. Holliday.

No.

I don't know what they're doing up there, sir.

But they're undressed.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir, Mr. Holliday!

He wants me to take care of it.

George?

Oh, no, no, Mrs. Wybren.

Why don't you go over and play bingo with Mrs. Fabrich, huh?

I've played bingo with Mrs.

Fabrich 29.

Oh, no, no, no.

I'll take care of it.

I'll take care of it, Mrs. Wybren.

You're a good boy, George.

I'm going to recommend you to Mr. Holliday to be house detective.

Well, thank you very much, Mrs. Wybren.

Everyone has confidence in me.

Mrs. Wybren has confidence in me.

Mr. Holliday has confidence in me.

Everyone!

Except me.

In matters of disguise, one cannot be too careful.

There are eyes everywhere.

A good detective must always have a complete

assortment of disguises at his fingerprints.

Fingertips.

Lord Bromley of the British Consulate, no.

Movie gangster, no.

The Mafia, no.

Possibly a high class hotel doorman, no.

Beardless beatnik, no.

Sergeant Redfield of the Southwest Monies, no.

I have it!

Why didn't I think of it before?

Bellboy.

Perfect disguise.

I keep forgetting there's no elevator in there.

Room service.

Oh, just a...

Room service.

You take care of it, George.

Take care of it.

Take care of it.

Recommend you.

House detective.

House detective.

You're a coward, George.

Detective.

A coward.

A coward.

A coward.

Yes, yes!

You'll be the house detective, George.

Voila, Monsieur Room Service.

Come in.

Viens.

Guess I'll go in and service the room.

They were especially friendly.

But they didn't fool me.

I could see right through them.

I could see through their clothes, too.

I noticed that they were playing poker, so very

cleverly I led them to believe I had no money.

Sure enough, just as I planned, they suggested strip poker.

I agreed on the condition that deuces weren't wild.

I don't believe in wild deuces.

I don't believe in wild women, either.

But here they were.

This was my big chance to unmask these girls for what they really were.

The bare facts were here.

And it was up to me to get down to them.

Then it began.

I suggested they enter an article of clothing, a shoe.

I was anxious to get down to brass buckles, but it had to be a slow process.

Everything was falling into place, like shapely parts of a jigsaw puzzle.

Red hot evidence.

The one on my left had an especially professional way of taking off her

stockings, with a sort of knowing flip at the end.

She didn't learn that at nursery school.

The big question was, of course, how far would they go?

And if they went, would I be able to get the upper hand?

Apparently there was a slight miscalculation in my plans.

A fly in the ointment, you might say.

They were after my clothes.

I told them it wouldn't be proper, my being in uniform and all.

You know, some people in uniform can't fight or drink.

It's not patriotic.

Now it's against the hotel rules for me to strip when in uniform.

It was no use.

They wanted me to strip, and I had to humor them.

What a sense of humor.

I wondered if Mr. Holiday really ever appreciated what I was going through for

him, and for the good, pure name of the Happy Holiday Hotel.

Fortunately, I had just finished a correspondence

course in how to win at poker and be popular with women.

I was sewing the game up.

The gleam in their eyes had a strange effect on me.

A strange, cold, hot, stinging sensation.

But a man in my business has to be immune to that sort

of thing, or he has no business being in that business.

More clothes came off, more shoulders exposed.

It wouldn't be long.

It was a game of nerves.

There were a couple of good-looking nerves around there, too.

The odds were high, and there I was.

Eight, nine, ten.

Queen.

I had an inside straight going, and still I had my pants on.

My correspondence course had said, never bet

on an inside straight unless the game is fixed.

In which case, of course, it's a crooked straight.

But this game was on the up and up.

The odds were too high.

I couldn't do it.

I decided to retreat, to go back to my room and think of a new approach.

A new disguise.

But how could I do such a thing to poor, rich Mr. Holiday?

Sitting in his office, smoking his cigars,

depending on me, on George, to clean up his hotel.

This would be how Sherlock Holmes would have done it.

He would have stayed to the bitter end.

Clothes or no clothes, he would have solved this case, pipe in mouth,

naked if need be.

A deuce.

And I had said no deuce is wild.

What luck.

There was no turning back or front.

I had the distinct feeling it was getting hotter in that room.

The girls were very kind, though.

They wanted me to take off more clothes so I could be more comfortable, no doubt.

I had to be master of the situation.

I had to let them know who was wearing the pants.

Well, who was wearing the shorts in that room.

More clothes came off.

More shoulders revealed.

I say shoulders just in case these notes are ever public.

Actually, they were really getting undressed.

It was embarrassing.

It was educational.

My shorts?

No, no.

This was too much.

No, anything but my shorts.

Well, not anything.

They didn't understand.

I'm shy.

I've always been shy.

In high school, I used to take showers in my bathing suit.

Calmly, I stood up.

Told them I thought they were playing a nasty game and that they were nasty girls

and that I wouldn't stand for any of it anymore.

They thought I was funny.

I didn't pay any attention to them.

I calmly picked up my pants and walked out.

Well, they outstripped me that time.

I don't know.

Do you think I'm ever going to learn how to handle women?

Ever going to become the happy holiday hotel house detective?

I have tried and I have tried from everything I've learned from that director

and everything from that detective correspondence course.

All I do is goof everything up.

But Mr. Holiday, he did have confidence in me.

Now, why can't I have confidence in me?

Mr. Greger, it's five o'clock.

So what?

I know it.

We're winding up.

We must do the scene here properly.

Or isn't that clear?

It's five o'clock.

We must do what's proper and... We must who says so.

I prefer working.

No, the guild will not allow us to work nights.

Mr. Greger, we observe the rules always.

Well, if that guild of yours won't allow it, then our day has reached an end.

Our girl will never know the facts of life and

I bet we could have succeeded in persuading her.

He hasn't taught me those facts yet either.

Well, what am I going to do now?

There's no five o'clock curfew in room 229.

Well, I'm on my own.

Just have to be brave.

I'm not scared anymore.

I just may be able to do it.

I'll whip back to the Happy Holiday Hotel, then

stall for time and develop my next clever move.

Happy Holiday Hotel.

Hello, George.

I assume you fixed everything up in room 229.

Yes, sir, Mr. Happy.

I mean, Mr. Holiday.

No, I'll tell you.

You see, it's like this, sir.

I don't like to hear that, George.

No, sir.

I mean, yes, sir.

I expect it will all be cleaned up before I call you again, George.

There isn't much time.

Yes, sir.

The final move.

Rid the Happy Holiday Hotel of these tainted women, or I'll lose my job.

Decision.

My own fifth column.

Work from the inside.

Hello.

Hello.

Is this room 229?

Yes, it is.

May I help you?

Yes, you may.

Polly sent me.

Oh?

Polly who?

Polly Schwartz.

She runs another confessant down the street.

Oh, really?

Did somebody order lunch?

No, no, no.

She said I might get a job here.

Oh.

Well, all right.

Come in.

Put your special glasses on.

Be right there.

You'll have to speak to Rupapool.

Who?

The madam.

Oh, the madam.

Yes.

Well, just make yourself at home.

I'll be right there.

We cannot be shy in our line of business.

Oh, of course not.

A girl has to have enough confidence in herself to get out there and sell.

Get out there and sell.

Right.

And most important, she has to be loyal, courteous, and thrifty.

Oh, sounds like the Boy Scouts.

Do you mind, please?

My girls are all good girls.

Of course they are.

They've just had unhappy childhoods.

And above all, they enjoy the work they're doing.

Don't you girls?

Girls.

Yes.

As I said, they enjoy the work they're doing.

And somehow the customers can tell.

I wonder how.

Well, it's a sort of osmosis.

Mr. Jenkins, our most important customer, is coming here today.

We'll try you out then.

Take off your clothes.

I thought there'd be a hitch.

My disguise wasn't complete enough for that.

The only way to really get any evidence, get them red-handed in the act.

What's your name?

George.

George?

How interesting.

Yes, you see, my mother and father are from the old country.

They didn't know the difference.

Between a boy and a girl's name?

No, between a boy and a girl.

Well, George just won't do.

We have to find something... something exotic.

Like a... name for a paris.

Frufru.

That's it.

Frufru.

Girls, meet Frufru.

Hi.

Hi, girls.

Now, what will happen is this.

You will parade in front of Mr. Jenkins, and he will pick out what he wants.

And... Oh, well, girls, you explain to her.

And hurry and get rid of all these things before Mr. Jenkins arrives.

What a situation.

What a predicament.

What a problem.

What a man this Mr. Jenkins must be.

He was here this morning.

Here.

Oh, thank you very much.

Oh, put it on.

Oh, look.

What is it?

It's a Whipple Pool original.

Where is it?

It's there.

Just put it on.

All right, if you think so.

Where?

You know, I certainly hope I do...

is trying to help me so hard, and I've got to please so many people back home.

There's Ma, and there's Pa, and there's Uncle Zeke, and then there's my beau, Tommy.

He's the beau next door.

Say, what kind of a man is Mr. Jenkins?

I mean, is he a nice man?

I don't want to get into any trouble in this town.

No, I've been told and warned time and time again that

this town is something that I should stay away from.

But I've always said that when a girl is pure of heart, nothing can happen to her.

This is our Meet Me in Tijuana line.

It's an item I'm sure your company would love to carry.

Oh, yes, we have an office in Tijuana.

This is our Polka-Dot model.

We call it, guess where the navel is.

Great for party games.

Now each dot is hand-applied.

We

have a new girl for you, Mr. Jenkins.

What is the meaning of this?

I don't understand.

What are you trying to do, ruin me?

Keep speaking, please, right into my response there.

I said, what are you trying to... Oh, just stop being so silly.

And take off the robe!

Girls, take off the robe!

Hey, and you too.

What's the meaning of this?

Well, I can explain everything you see.

Yeah, what is the meaning of this?

You're pretty smart, huh?

I've been on this case since I was a bellboy.

Ever since Tuesday.

I've got all the evidence right here in my tape recorder.

I'll let you move.

You, stop!

Stop!

That's what leads me to where I am now.

An expert on women.

The ins and outs of women.

Their habits.

Eating another.

Their whims.

Their secrets.

Their moods.

And that's why... I don't ever want to see another one again as long as I live.