Original subtitles

[ THUNDER CRASHES ] Charles: ALL RIGHT, GUYS, WE

GOT A LOT OF WORK TODAY.

Nathan: HEY!

IT REALLY SMELLS LIKE LEMONS IN HERE.

SOMEBODY JUST CLEAN THIS TABLE WITH LEMONS?

Toki: I AMS EATINGS LEMONS.

THAT'S ME.

Pickles: YOU'RE STILL EATING LEMONS ALL THE TIME?

Toki: I'MS CHALLENGING MYSELF TO ENDURES THE FLAVORS,

LIKES PUTTINGS YOUR HANDS OVER AN OPENS FLAME.

Skwisgaar: PICKLE, I FOUND ONE OF YOUR DREADS IN THE

HALLWAYS.

UH, DO YOU WANTS IT BACK?

Pickles: EH, YEAH, I, UH, GUESS SO.

Skwisgaar: OOPS.

DROPPED IT IN MY CUPS OF COFFEES.

Nathan: DRINKING A LOT OF COFFEE THESE DAYS, HUH?

Charles: ALL RIGHT, GUYS.

I JUST WANT TO GET STARTED.

Nathan: YEAH, JUST GO.

Charles: WE HAVE SOME CONGRATULATIONS IN ORDER FOR

MR. WILLIAM MURDERFACE, SITTING AT THE TABLE HERE.

YOU ARE BEING HONORED AT THIS YEAR'S BRUTALIES AWARD CEREMONY.

Murderface: YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

GOOD TO SEE SHIT FINALLY CHANGING AROUND HERE, AND I'M

GETTING SOME RESPECT.

NOW, WHAT ARE THESE BRUTALIES?

Charles: I DON'T KNOW.

I MEAN, NO ONE'S GOTTEN BACK TO ME ON THAT.

BUT DETHKLOK IS GONNA PLAY THERE, AND THEY'RE GOING TO GIVE

YOU A LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD FOR BEING THE MOST

BRUTAL-LOOKING MUSICIAN EVER.

Nathan: CAN'T REALLY TELL IF THAT'S AN AWARD OR A PUBLIC

INSULT.

Skwisgaar: IF YOU THINKS ABOUT IT, IT AMS AN AWARD FOR

BEINGS THE MOST UGLYS HUMANS IN THE WORLDS.

Nathan: THEY'RE, LIKE, SAYING YOU'RE BAD AT BEING HANDSOME,

BUT IT'S AN AWARD IF THEY'RE SAYING YOU'RE REALLY GOOD AT

BEING UGLY, SO CONGRATULATIONS.

Skwisgaar: YEAH, CONGRATULATIONS.

Pickles: YEAH, CONGRATULATIONS.

Charles: YOU'RE OKAY WITH THAT, RIGHT?

Murderface: OKAY WITH IT?

I FUCKING LOVE IT!

REALLY, THIS IS AWESOME.

IF YOU ALL WILL EXCUSE ME FOR A MOMENT.

Nathan: YOU'RE BAD AT BEING HANDSOME.

Murderface: KEEP IT TOGETHER.

Toki: IF I GOTS THAT AWARD, I'D FUCKINGS KILL MYSELF.

Pickles: DUDE, YOU'RE UGLY.

DUDE. Toki: KILLS MYSELF.

Pickles: DUDE.

Toki: AND KILLS MYSELF.

Pickles: DUDE.

Toki: FUNKINGS KILLS MYSELF.

Pickles: DUDE.

Murderface: I'LL SHOW EVERYONE.

I'M GOING TO TRANSFORM MYSELF INTO THE MOST HANDSOME MOTHER

FUCKER THEY'VE EVER LAID EYES ON!

♪ TICK-TOCK TICK-TOCK ♪ TICK-TOCK TICK-TOCK

♪ TICK-TOCK TICK-TOCK ♪ DETHKLOK! DETHKLOK! DETHKLOK!

DETHKLOK! ♪ Murderface: OH, I'M

PERSONALLY OKAY WITH MYSELF, BUT...

JUST TAKE THE PEN AND DRAW ON THE AREAS THAT YOU THINK COULD

USE SOME CORRECTIONS.

[ MARKER SQUEAKING ] Murderface: DO YOU HAVE

ANOTHER MARKER?

WHOA.

MISSED A SPOT.

Murderface: OKAY, DOC.

I'M GONNA LEVEL WITH YOU.

I HATE MYSELF.

I FUCKING HATE MYSELF.

MR. MURDERFACE, WE HAVE THE ABILITY TO TAKE YOU -- A BEAST

DAMNED BY THE GODS, A GROTESQUE ABOMINATION DOOMED TO SPEND HIS

LIFE AS A WANDERING MONSTROSITY -- AND TRANSFORM YOU

INTO A BREATHTAKING ADONIS, CHISELED IN MARBLE FROM A CHURCH

IN HEAVEN.

ALL IT TAKES IS MONEY.

HERE'S THE ESTIMATE.

Murderface: [ GROANS ] Stampingston: GENTLEMEN, IT

SEEMS THAT WILLIAM MURDERFACE IS GETTING SOME "WORK" DONE.

HERE TO TALK ABOUT THE CULTURAL OBSESSION WITH COSMETIC SURGERY

IS SPECIALIST DR. ALSAJAHBFIFBORGILTK.

TRYING TO IMPROVE THE UNJUST GENETIC HAND DEALT TO YOU

THROUGH EXPENSIVE COSMETIC ENHANCEMENTS CAN LEAD TO

HORRIFYING RESULTS.

THE AVERAGE MAN, AFTER COSMETIC PROCEDURE, WILL END UP LOOKING

LIKE A WOMAN, A LARGE GAME ANIMAL, AN ALIEN, EVEN A

CHILDREN'S PUPPET.

BUT THE REAL CATASTROPHE WILL OCCUR IF MURDERFACE SUCCEEDS AT

BECOMING "HANDSOMEFACE."

Crozier: OUR IN-HOUSE SPECIALIST HAS CONCOCTED THESE

IMAGES OF WHAT WILLIAM MURDERFACE WOULD LOOK

LIKE SHOULD HE GO THROUGH WITH THIS PROCEDURE.

MURDERFACE IS DETHKLOK'S ZERO ON THE YARDSTICK OF

ATTRACTIVENESS TO WHICH ALL OTHER BAND MEMBERS COMPARE

THEMSELVES.

SHOULD THIS CHANGE, IT COULD SET OFF A SERIES OF GRUESOME

ATTEMPTS AT SELF-IMPROVEMENT THAT END IN DETHKLOK LOSING

THEIR SENSE OF SELF AND THE RESPECT OF ALL MANKIND.

Orlaag: IS THE HAND OF THE COSMETIC SURGEON ALSO THE HAND

OF GOD?

PERHAPS.

Selatcia: LET US SEE WHERE IT TAKES US.

Toki: HURRYS UP, NATHAN.

Nathan: HOLD ON.

I'M GETTING A SNACK.

♪ HOT AIR BALLOON Nathan: [ GRUNTS ]

IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THIS HOT TUB?

THIS PARTICULAR HOT TUB IS NOT KNOWN TO WITHSTAND THAT MUCH

WEIGHT, MY LORD.

Nathan: [ SCOFFS ] WELL, SOMEONE SHOULD CALL THE

COMPANY AND, YOU KNOW -- AND IT'S POOR MANUFACTURING.

AND IT APPEARS AS IF THE DRAIN IS CLOGGED WITH COFFEE

GROUNDS, LEMON RINDS, AND A CLUSTER OF DREADLOCKS.

Pickles: EW.

CLOGGED?

THAT'S JUST POOR MANUFACTURING.

YOUR DREADS, SIRE.

Pickles: JUST GIVE ME THAT BACK.

Murderface: WELL, JUST MOVE SOME MONEY AROUND OR SOMETHING!

LOOK, WILLIAM.

AS YOUR BUSINESS MANAGER, I HAVE TO WARN YOU, THIS IS NOT A GOOD

TIME FOR YOU TO HAVE AN EXPENSIVE ELECTIVE SURGERY.

Murderface: YOU'VE GOT TO BE SHITTING ME.

I'M THE BASSIST FOR DETHKLOK.

NO, I KNOW, BUT YOU JUST LOST A LOT OF MONEY.

DO YOU NOT REMEMBER THIS?

YOU WERE DRUNK. YOU TRIPPED ON AN ESCALATOR...

Murderface: YEAH, I TRIPPED ON AN ESCALATOR.

...WHILE YOU WERE SHOPPING FOR SCENTED CANDLES.

Murderface: YES, 'CAUSE I LOVE SCENTED CANDLES.

AND THEN YOUR OVERCALCIFIED FACE INJURED A BABY.

Murderface: OH.

WELL, THAT CIVIL SUIT FROM THE INCIDENT WIPED YOU OUT,

COMPLETELY, OKAY?

Murderface: THAT BABY HAD A GREAT LAWYER.

AMAZING LAWYER.

Murderface: GOD, HE WAS GOOD.

WASN'T HE GOOD?

FIND ANOTHER WAY TO GET THE MONEY.

Murderface: FUCK Nathan: MOVE MY FEET DOWN A

LITTLE BIT MORE.

MOVE MY HEAD UP HIGHER.

HOW'S THAT, SIRE?

Nathan: NOW, BRING THE PIECE OF PIZZA CLOSER TO MY HEAD.

Murderface: HEY, NATHAN.

CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE?

AND HOW'S THAT, SIRE?

Murderface: [ CLEARS THROAT ] Nathan: GETTING BETTER, GETTING WARMER.

IS THAT ADEQUATE, SIRE?

Murderface: FUCK OFF!

YES, SIRE.

Murderface: NATHAN, PAL.

GOOD OLD NATHAN.

AW, MAN, LOOK AT THOSE SHOULDERS.

CAPTAIN OF THE SHIP.

WHAT'S HAPPENING, MAN?

NATHAN, I WANT YOU TO LOOK AT ME.

ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME?

Nathan: KIND OF.

Murderface: I'M GONNA TELL YOU A SAD TALE.

Nathan: OH, GOD.

Murderface: IMAGINE A CHILD SO HORRIFIC-LOOKING...

Nathan: UH-HUH.

Murderface: ...THAT HE DROVE HIS PARENTS TO MURDER-SUICIDE.

Nathan: YEAH, YOU, RIGHT?

Murderface: [ GROANS ] IMAGINE A MAN WITH SO LITTLE

SELF-ESTEEM...

Nathan: YOU.

Murderface: ...THAT HE LOOKS AND ACTS LIKE ME.

Nathan: YOU.

Murderface: WELL, THAT MAN IS ME.

Nathan: I'M GLAD WE HAD, UH...

THIS LITTLE CHAT.

[ ENGINE WHIRRING ] SEE YOU LATER.

Murderface: YOU'RE JUST NOT GETTING IT.

LISTEN.

Nathan: DO YOU WANT TO BORROW SOME MONEY?

JUST SAY IT!

Murderface: YES, I WANT TO BORROW SOME MONEY, BUT --

Nathan: I'LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING JUST TO GET YOU AWAY

FROM ME, ALL RIGHT?

Murderface: I WON'T FORGET THIS, PAL.

I'M HAVING SOME WORK DONE DOWN IN TIJUANA.

SHH. DON'T TELL THE OTHERS.

IT'S OUR SECRET, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE IT'S COST EFFECTIVE NOW.

Nathan: GET OUT OF HERE!

Murderface: I'M SORRY.

IS THAT SOMEONE'S DOG?

[ TIRES SCREECH ] [ CROWD GASPS ]

[ TIRES SCREECH ] [ CROWD GASPS ]

DESPIERTA DE. DESPIERTA DE.

DESPIERTA DE!

Murderface: AM I HANDSOME?

Toki: ALL RIGHT, CHECKS IT OUT.

"CELEBRITY SNAPSDOWN" IS ON.

Nathan: WONDER WHAT SHITHEADS ARE GONNA FUCKING FAIL THIS

TIME.

AND FINALLY, THIS WEEK ON "CELEBRITY SNAPDOWN," NUMBER

ONE IN THE CATEGORY OF AGING ROCKERS IS...

Nathan: HERE GOES NOTHING.

THIS IS GONNA BE GOOD.

Pickles: WHO'S IT GONNA BE?

...DETHKLOK!

FAT.

BALD.

COFFEE-STAINED TEETH.

AND THIN LEMON LIPPED.

THESE ROCK-'N'-ROLL GARGOYLES ARE NOT MAKING PEACE WITH

AGING.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

Skwisgaar: WELLS, AT LEAST WE AIN'T AS HORRIBLE LOOKING AS,

YOU KNOW, WILLIAMS MURDERFACE.

Pickles: YEAH, WHERE IS THAT UGLY TUB OF GOOP, ANYWAY?

Nathan: HE'S IN TIJUANA GETTING A BUNCH OF COSMETIC

PROCEDURES DONE SO HE CAN BE HANDSOME AND CONFIDENT, BUT

THAT'S A SECRET, SO YOU CAN'T TELL ANYBODY.

Skwisgaar: WAITS A MINUTE.

IF HE AMS GONNA BECOME HANDSOME AND CONFIDENT, THEN WHERE DOES

THAT PUT US?

Pickles: THAT MAKES US GARGOYLES THAT ARE GOING BALD.

Nathan: THAT'S NOT GOOD.

WE GOTTA DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS.

TONIGHT, THE BRUTALIES, FEATURING DETHKLOK.

AND BEING HONORED, HE'S BRUTAL AND UGLIER THAN A GARBAGE CAN

FILLED WITH BURNING SHIT WILLIAM MURDERFACE.

SO, WITHOUT ANY FURTHER ADO, THE BRUTALIES!

Nathan: [ GRUNTS ] I CAN'T FUCKING BREATHE IN THIS

THING, BUT I LOOK GOOD.

I HAVE AN HOURGLASS FIGURE.

Toki: WELL, MY LIPS ARE FULL AND WONDERFULS AND FILLED WITH

COLLAGENS AND FATS FROM MY ASS.

I LOOKS LIKE A YOUNG FRANCIS FORDS COPPOLA.

Skwisgaar: YEAH, YOU DOES.

COFFEE, SIRE. Skwisgaar: YES, THANKS.

AAH!

MY TEETHS AMS SENSITIVES FROM THE BLEACHING.

Pickles: EVEN THOUGH MY SCALP IS ITCHY AND SWEATY, I HAVE THE

APPEARANCE OF A YOUNG SCHOOLGIRL WITH A FULL HEAD OF HAIR.

Skwisgaar: LOOKINGS GOOD, PICKLES.

Pickles: THANKS.

Nathan: THERE'S NO WAY WE CAN BE THE UGLIEST MEMBERS OF THE

BAND NOW. NO WAY.

[ THUNDER CRASHES ] Murderface: I THINK YOU'RE

VERY WRONG ABOUT THAT.

FOR YOU SEE, UNDERNEATH THIS MASK, I'M HANDSOME NOW.

I'M GOING TO SHOW ALL THESE UGLY MONSTERS WHAT HANDSOME REALLY

IS.

[ THUNDER CRASHES ] AND NOW, VOTED MOST

BRUTAL-LOOKING MUSICIAN, WILLIAM MURDERFACE!

[ APPLAUSE ] Murderface: THANK YOU FOR

THIS CRUEL AND HUMILIATING AWARD, BUT I HAVE AN INTERESTING

PIECE OF NEWS.

I AM NO LONGER UGLY!

[ AUDIENCE MURMURING ] I AM, IN FACT, HANDSOME.

[ AUDIENCE MURMURING ] YOU SUCK!

Murderface: I DON'T SUCK, FOR YOU SUCK.

AND YOU WILL ALWAYS SUCK BECAUSE YOU ARE UGLY, AND I AM NOT.

I AM BETTER THAN YOU, SO YOU SHALL SUCK MY FAT SACK AND

BEHOLD A BEAUTIFUL, CONFIDENT WORK OF ART.

BEHOLD!

WILLIAM HANDSOMEFACE!

[ SCREAMS ] OH, MY GOD. IT'S HORRIBLE.

Murderface: WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

[ SCREAMS ]

Pickles: HIS FACE IS INFECTED!

Nathan: HE'S A FUCKING MONSTER.

[ GLASS SHATTERS ] Pickles: HE'S COMING OVER

HERE!

Murderface: PICKLES!

Pickles: GET AWAY FROM ME!

Nathan: OH, MY GOD!

Pickles: THROW YOUR COFFEE AT HIM!