Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.BZ

-[beeping] -[announcer] From around the world,

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ

but mostly from LA, it's time for "That's Stupid!"

Starring Gallagher. The show that looks life

right in the eye and says, "That's stupid."

Hi, gang. This week, "That's Stupid" looks at my house in LA.

Hi, I'm who you think I am,

and what's so stupid about my house in Los Angeles?

Well, is it the long, windy, dangerous road

through the mountains from Malibu

where all the other houses are hanging off the edge

of the continent? No.

Is it my car, painted like a watermelon?

No.

Is it this impossible driveway

that you gotta be almost a goat to get up

this doggone thing?!

See?!

Or is what's stupid about my house

the fact that you can't get any television

in this bowl of semi-mountains

and gotta put up one of these satellite dishes

and come out here in your pajamas

in the middle of the night and yell back into bedroom,

"Is this the right satellite?"

No.

What's stupid about my house is what I paid for it

and I ain't telling you. I ain't telling you the interest rate,

I ain't even telling you the bank that finally said yes

to me and no to Poland. Can you believe that?

Won't loan money to me, an American,

to buy a house 'cause I'm in show business

and Poland ain't even in no business?

Is that stupid?

Here's where warm, moist air comes out of my house

and just gets thrown away in the atmosphere, gang.

And, of course, I have a humidifier

and a heater in the house.

Now, is that stupid or dumb?

Or expensive? Or insane?

I think that's what this show is all about.

We didn't come here today to discuss the western motif

of my house.

We came here to talk about stupidity

in all its various forms.

Let's go in the house. I'll make you something to eat

and we can talk about this. [coughing]

[coughing] Oh!

Well, welcome to my kitchen, gang.

Let's have something to eat

and then we'll talk about stupidity.

Don't you feel at home once you got all of your food?

Yes, indeed, we do.

Now, whenever I cook for a large group,

I just cook like I cook for myself,

I just make a whole lot more.

You know, some people, when you come over to their house,

they have, like, spaghetti. Not me.

I have what I normally would have 'cause you're just

as important to me as I am.

So let's just have what I'd normally have, gang.

We'll have a little of that. There wasn't that much of that.

Well, it'll just clean all of this up here, I think.

We'll just finish some of this off.

You like all this, don't you, gang? Sure you do.

We'll just have about this much, I think will be good.

Do you like these things? I think they taste much better

with the milk on it.

So we'll just have a little milk here,

and then we'll talk about stupidity.

Isn't it funny how when people wanna talk,

they go out to eat and then their mouth's all busy,

chewing and everything? It's just dumb.

But that's just how people are.

Here, you go ahead-- Oh, sugar.

We gotta have some sugar, don't we, gang?

We love our sugar, don't we?

Oh, wait. Bananas. Fruit, sugar, bananas.

Now, you go ahead and you try that.

And we'll talk about food.

First of all, gang, here's a little hint.

Don't eat this with a spoon. Ugh!

Eat this with a spoon. Okay? Now you're listening.

Now we're gonna talk a little bit about diets.

-First of all... -[crunching]

I need something to eat.

I only eat the natural-style potato chips.

These are, of course, potato chips that come

off of a potato chip bush.

Hey, gang, let's talk about diets.

Talk about the way people are eating these days.

You know, you're gonna eat what you're gonna eat.

So why go on a diet? If you wanna do something good,

go on my diet. It's the "don't chew" diet.

You just eat what you'd normally eat,

you just don't chew it.

You can't get as much in your stomach.

You eat less, you're gonna lose weight.

Am I right, gang? Also, my reverse diet.

Go ahead, eat your meal in reverse.

Have your dessert first,

'cause you know you're gonna eat it anyway, aren't you?

Well, if you eat it first, then it takes up some space.

Later on you get to the vegetable,

you probably won't cram okra, will you? No.

Talk about icky stuff. Look here.

People are eating this these days.

Comes in two packages like glue, you know? You mix it together.

Okay, let's try a little bit.

Now, this stuff taste horrible.

I don't know why that is, but it just tastes horrible.

I guess that's because it's good for you.

So anyway, you put this in here.

Now, do people go ahead and eat that right

the way that is right there? No, they don't do that.

Why? Because like I told you, it tastes terrible.

So what do smart people these days do, these modern people?

They put in some ice cream.

Of course, they're a lot nicer than I am. I'm excited.

I like the ice cream. And then, of course,

they put in some Cool Whip, of course.

Now, this is a diet. Remember, this is a diet.

You just put in the best strawberries in your diet.

And, of course, then you have a little bit of honey, don't you?

A little bit of honey, little bit of berries,

little bit of Cool Whip, little bit of ice cream,

and we're right on that diet, aren't we?

Then you go ahead and you hit that right there like that.

-Then you put your hat over it. -[blender whirring]

Well, anyway, gang, your diet is dumb

if you're gonna-- dumb, if you're gonna eat that.

Now, let's, uh, talk about the kitchen.

I think we should get into some really heavy food.

Don't you? Let's, uh, fire up the fry pan.

Now, I wanted to show you that this is not just a silly prop

that I use in my show. No. The double-handed fry pan

is very good, very safe

for handing a hot fry pan to someone else, and we use this.

This is a very good friend of Gallagher here in the kitchen.

And so we're going to have something

in the frying pan right now.

We'll just put a little bit of Pam in the...

And Pam... oh, hon, look!

The baby's been switching the cans, the enamel with the Pam.

Where's the baby anyway? Hon?

Is the baby in here?

Well, the baby was in there.

What do you say we just, uh, call it a show?

Well, that's our show for today, gang.

"That's Stupid" visits my house in Los Angeles.

We're just about out of transmit time here

on the old umbrella satellite uplink sending our signal

out into the cosmos, letting the whole universe

know how stupid humanity is.

But we know it, don't we, gang?

Hey, I didn't get a letter from Cleveland, Ohio

so I had to write one myself.

Now, the guy says...

that his grandmother is putting doilies on top of slip covers

she puts over her couch that she bought to exactly match the rug

which is always under the newspapers.

He wants to know, is that stupid?

You write and tell me.

Hey, nobody else wrote me any more letters

so I had to write some more.

Let's pretend this guy wrote... [laughs]

and wanted to know if it's okay that he eats stuff

that people make fun of. Other people, you know,

are always saying things like their body is their temple,

their body is so clean, even their colon is clean.

How can you put such vile

and ugly, dirty, old things like that?

They'll say you put crap in your body.

They say that their colon is clean.

I say, listen, if your colon ain't for crap, what's it for?

Hey, you don't listen to 'em.

Now I wanted to show you this.

Here is a nice, little hint for you around the house.

You know, these Tupperwares work great.

They'll keep stuff all the way down to the crumbs.

And it's still fresh, and you say,

"I'm gonna throw that away." Don't do that.

Get you a knife full of peanut butter,

you dab that down in there and you got ya

a real good snack.

Now, here's the old time capsule.

What are we gonna put in there this week

to show the world in the future

that we were pretty dumb back here?

Well, we're gonna show you some other uses

for Tupperware that are stupid.

Do we really need this made out of Tupperware?

It doesn't keep it fresh. In fact, it has a hole in it.

This thing here rakes the skin off of your back.

Not exactly what Tupperware was made for.

This is dumb, this is dumb, this is dumb, this is dumb,

and this is dumb.

Now, here's our Japanese "That's Stupid" computer.

We fed a lot of stupid information into it.

We fed stupid information about plant engineering,

and, uh, gene splicing, and adolescent eating habits.

And we'd let it digest it and come up with what it thinks

is gonna happen in the future. Go ahead and give us that, uh,

give us that readout there. Just go ahead and just

give us that read-- Oh, here it is.

Comes in the form of a, uh... of a, um...

a fortune cookie, of course. [chuckles]

It says, "In the future, uh, we will have, uh,

peas on the cob just to confuse the kids

that don't wanna eat greens."

Hey, that's just about the show for today.

I want to remind you that I didn't say anything

about mothers, even though they are dumb.

They tell us not to put stuff in our mouth,

we don't know where that stuff has been.

Yet once they bake a cake, they go get the broom,

and break off some dumb, old, dirty, old straw

and stick it right in our nice, fresh cake.

Uh, I wanna thank all you people for coming here

to the house today.

I enjoy company and you should too.

It makes you clean the house. [chuckles]

It's good to have company, it makes you clean the house.

I like that. A lot of people wouldn't even mop the floor

if the washer didn't overflow either.

Uh, but before I go, I do wanna have a serious moment with you

and just kind of leave you with a touching little poem.

Bless the widow,

for she is alone.

Bless all that has been widowed in nature.

Bless the widow birds, the widow fishes... [laughs]

and all the widow things.

This has been me, so you know that's stupid.

[birds chirping]

[gunshot, gun cocks]

[gunshots]

Hi, gang. This week "That's Stupid" looks at sports.

As you can already see,

we looked at hunting real stupid, huh?

Boy, hunting ain't even a sport when you look at it.

I mean, there ain't a referee out in the woods

making sure the hunters ain't doing anything illegal

and did you ever hear of an animal scoring a point?

No, sirree. This problem starts in Idaho, you know.

Idaho, the state motto is "Shoot 'em."

And the state bird is dead.

[gunshot]

Real stupid, huh, gang?

Well, let's look at some sports, uh, that are more conventional.

Like you see a lot of this equipment

in people's living room these days.

Now, on the rug in the living room, this looks real smart.

But you know what? Out here it's just real stupid.

And I think if it looks dumb out here,

it's probably dumb in the house too.

Look, you're not going nowhere, you're not doing nothing.

This is as bad as joggers.

Oh, I know, I just made a whole lot of friends with you joggers.

But why don't you do something that amounts to something?

I mean, like, oh, run errands for old people,

or deliver the mail, or deliver the phone books,

or just do something good

with your running all around everywhere.

I mean, this is kind of nuts, ain't it?

I mean, America buys weights to get in shape,

puts them in the garage with an electric garage door opener.

That's us, gang. We go down to the spa to get in shape

and look for the closest parking space.

Don't wanna walk too far to exercise.

Let's get off this silly thing. You know, gang, I'm...

I'm kind of bored with most sports anyway.

Ain't you? Yes, indeed.

I think they need to be more fun.

We need to innovate with our sports.

Well, how's, uh... just, oh...

[laughs] He ain't too good,

I'll show you what I'm talking about.

But I do like fishing. Now, is that stupid?

Well, other people must be like me

'cause they send in them letters and they say,

"Gallagher, we like fishing too, but we have children.

What can you tell us about fishing with children?"

Number one, and most important:

keep the child tied securely to the line.

Number two: just go ahead and fish as you normally would

with any live bait.

Hey! There she goes!

Video games are not stupid.

Video games keep us all from watching so much TV.

Anyway, what else are we gonna do with all of these quarters?

[video game sound effects]

That's enough sports for today.

Bowling almost ain't even a sport when you think about it.

I think bowling is mostly an excuse to get drunk.

And drunk is an excuse for your bowling.

Now, I don't wanna just pick on bowlers

here at the bowling alley.

I'm also gonna pick on you tennis setters.

You gotta get that net out of the middle.

It screws up the game. Put the net around the court.

That way, you don't have to chase after the ball.

Now, we got two things for the time capsule here today

to show the future generations how dumb we were

back here in the past.

First of all, soap on a rope. Real dumb.

And, of course, 8-track tapes.

Remember when you bought this?

Real valuable today, aren't they?

Now, I notice I didn't get any letters.

Maybe you all are confused about what this show is about.

It's about stupidity in all of its different forms.

Maybe you don't know what stupid is.

Right here. This is stupid.

Now, the swimmer who shaves his head comes in last

in the big race, that's stupid.

Now, solo synchronized swimming is a concept

I haven't figured out yet. When I do,

I'll tell you whether that's stupid or not.

Now, honking your horn in a tunnel, I know that one.

That's stupid.

Anything down at the Department of Motor Vehicles,

that's stupid.

Including your picture on your license.

Now, for a long time, we've seen these dogs

on the wall playing cards.

I don't know whether that's stupid or not,

'cause you've been buying 'em.

But isn't this getting kind of dumb

when we got now cats playing cards?

I think this is getting pretty dumb, gang.

And of course if the cats are playing cards,

they've bumped those dogs up to playing pool now.

Just to show you how hideous this kind of stupidity can be,

they're trying to convince you that it's okay now

for the little boy to read his book in the living room

with the lion.

Watch out for this, gang.

Now, I don't know about this,

if this is stupid or not.

It all depends on your team and who fumbled.

All right. Uh...

I guess that's just about it.

It's about time for me to get out of here, I notice.

Don't five minutes go fast? [laughs]

Before I go, I wanna leave some last few hints

about stupidity for you kids at home.

Number one:

Don't hit yourself in the head with a frying pan!

-[bong] -[laughs]

'Cause it hurts!

Number two:

don't put your bowling ball in the freezer. Okay, gang?

-[glass shattering] -Not a good idea.

Number two:

don't always think... you know what I'm gonna do.

See ya.

Hi, gang. We're here at the newsstand

to prove a point about newspapers today.

Now, they call them newspapers even though they're not

quite all news, are they, gang?

They're mostly ads. In fact, almost every page

in a newspaper is half ads.

Look, that's page two.

I just turned into this newspaper

and it's starting out with this ad stuff.

Now, you know how a newspaper goes.

You open it in the middle, you find a double page ad.

Don't you? Here's that in San Francisco.

San Diego will show us that when you flip it around,

it's another ad.

These things are more billboards than they are newspapers.

Aren't they? You know, if television was this much ad,

to this much news, you wouldn't watch it, would you?

Well, I'm gonna pick on another media now.

You guess who it is I'm gonna pick on.

No, not TV. Guess again.

No, not radio. Guess again. One more time.

No, not records. I'll have to tell you.

I'm gonna pick on...

Uh, hello? Phone company?

I'd like to just speak to somebody in general

about, uh, tell telephone service, if I could.

I'm, uh, I'm a com-- I could talk to you?

Well, I'm a comedian and I'm doing this show

and I just wanna make sure of this information

before I do it in front of everybody.

I just wanna make sure, is this right?

Yes, uh, can you get a phone on the phone?

Can-- can you get a phone on the phone?

Or do you have to-- you have to go down

and pick it out?

Can you get the guy on the truck

when he comes to hook up the phone to bring--

He can't bring that phone because then he'd have

a lot of phones. All right.

Well, yeah, that's... uh...

I'm sure you do have your rules and it probably does make

some kind of, uh, sense down there.

But doesn't it seem kind of strange

that the only thing you can't get by phone is a phone?

I mean, that's what the phone is supposed to be,

is a convenience.

All right, I just have one more question.

Uh, if you're outside your area code

and you wanna call your home phone

and you have an answering machine

and you wanna bill it to the phone right there--

You're ahead of me. You can't do it, can you? No.

Yeah. Uh-huh. A credit card? Oh, a credit card. Yeah.

That'd be nice, a credit card number.

No, I don't have a credit card number.

Well, you know, okay. Yes.

Uh-huh. Well, that's the phone company,

and, uh, this is, uh, stupid.

Roll 'em. That's our show for today, gang, about media.

That's all I had to say knocking newspapers,

but I still got some ammunition for the phone company.

Like why do they keep telling us how much money

we could save them if we just look the number up

ourself in the book?

If those phonebooks was a good idea,

they'd have them down there

and they'd be thumbing through 'em like we have to.

Instead, they have computers. That's the way to do it.

If they wanna save us all some money on our phone bill,

they should quit printing them books up

and just tell us the number real fast when we call in.

Now, in the future, it's gonna be a real problem, gang,

because they're gonna have video phones.

And then the information operator will know

we don't have a pencil. [laughs]

I wanna thank all of the scientists in media

for thinking up new ways of making man look stupid.

Like watching commercials on our video tape recorders.

Isn't that dumb, gang? I guess it is.

In another edition of "That's Stupid,"

we're gonna look at television commercials

and the dumb questions they ask, like,

"Do you need a pain reliever that works?"

"Impotence got you down?"

"Constipation a problem"?

"Is it hard to meet a girl with acne?"

No, I meet them all the time.

And I heard one the other day, "What do you want

from a bank in regards to your checking account?"

That's an easy one, gang. Mistakes in our favor. Right?

Hey, let's put some stuff in the time capsule

to show future generations just how dumb we were.

I think this sport coat would be a good one.

What do you think about that?

Also, this E.T. Christmas sock.

Now, gang this is a juxtaposition

of two magical people who fly past the moon.

Now, Santa Claus needed them reindeer to fly.

Why did E.T. drag all them kids on them bikes?

You didn't ask that question during the movie, did you?

No. Why? 'Cause you love the movie, don't you?

Well, I won't say nothing more about E.T. then.

Also in the time capsule,

this edition of Frankie Valli singing "Walk Like A Man,

Talk Like A Man," sung like a woman.

Okay. Let's go on back to the computer.

It's been burning up its diodes thinking up new things

to predict for the future.

Now, the computer says... in the future,

children will have a volume knob.

And we'll be able to turn them up,

and turn them down.

The computer also says that 3D television

is just around the corner so soon we'll all be

able to hit Howard Cosell right in the nose.

I think also if we have 3D television

the best two things on it are gonna be

"The Dolly Parton Show."

Oh, I wanted to ask you this one thing.

Why do you think television makes so many shows

designed for dumb people?

Dumb people would watch shows designed for smart people

just out of curiosity to see what smart people are up to.

Dumb people ain't stupid, they're just dumb.

Smart people watch shows designed for dumb people.

That's stupid.

Hey, gang! Guess what? What a great idea.

Today "That's Stupid" looks at government!

But what are we doing here at the courthouse?

Government in the United States takes place

at the shopping center.

Oh, I hope I have enough cord to get to the shopping center.

We're, uh, we're here at the shopping center now

just talking to everyday people, the little people.

There's one right there.

Uh, this is the show "That's Stupid."

I was wondering, is... did you ever see anything

stupid in government? I mean, do you find

the government stupid?

You said it for me.

But do you think the people that you meet

at a shopping center are so smart?

-Kmart shoppers are the smartest people in the world. -[laughs]

Do you think that the government is stupid?

Well, not completely, just don't use their heads at all.

Listen, I've been talking to people about the government.

-Do you think the government is stupid? -I don't know.

Do you find the government stupid?

Well, I don't think it's stupid, but I don't agree all the time.

Now, you heard what the people had to say

about America and democracy out at the shopping center.

They said there's no choice in this election.

They're all politicians.

Now, I got to laugh at politicians, don't you, gang?

They call each other the honorable this

and the honorable that.

You know why they keep saying "honorable"?

It's to remind them.

Now, they also say, "The honorable such and such

and his lovely wife."

And you look at her and you can see

these guys are used to lying all day long.

Now, the president says

he's gonna eliminate fraud in government.

Where were these people gonna work, gang?

Well, so much for things political.

It's not too much fun,

even though they do call them parties.

Now, nobody wrote me and asked me the difference

between a weed and a flower.

So I'm ready to tell you, so I'll tell you anyway.

If you pull it out and it grows back, it's a weed.

If you water it and it dies, it's a flower.

But you knew that.

Now, nobody asked me about my family either,

so I'm just gonna have to show you my dad on my own.

There he is.

Now, I want you to go off to bed,

sleeping a little bit tighter tonight,

knowing that the Federal Reserve has about a dollar

to a dollar and a quarter in cash

for every 100 dollars that you have in savings.

So it's a good thing you don't have your money

in a money market fund 'cause that ain't insured.

[laughs] Hey, let's put something in the time capsule,

just one thing this time, the Susan B. Anthony dollar

seems to epitomize all federal programs.

Don't you think that way, huh? It's a real winner.

Now, I wanna talk to you about a possible loser, gang.

The bald eagle is in danger of extinction.

The bald eagle is our national symbol.

It's on our money, it's on our flag poles,

it's on the seal of the presidency.

Now, we've always dug the eagle because he was alive,

because he was strong, because he was free.

He seems to be able to live everywhere in the United States,

-but in the wild. -[gunshot]

...looks at restaurants. And am I glad,

because I've always thought restaurants were really stupid.

You get so little and you pay so much.

Especially places like this. They make such a big deal

out of everything they bring over to your table.

Put one shrimp on a plate, scurry over, give you that.

When you eat that they'll go get you another one.

They give you these too so you'll play with it a long time.

Before you ever get it to your mouth,

they'll have time to scurry to the other tables.

It almost ain't American, that little bit of food

that they bring you. You have to buy two, three meals

'cause that's how many it'll take to get full.

That's stupid.

You go into a restaurant and you wanna talk,

which is a good reason to go into a restaurant.

You don't wanna eat in there. It costs too much.

You go into an empty restaurant, say just two people,

you wanna talk. Where do they put you, gang?

Next to the only other two people in there.

And then they say things like, "You can't sit over there.

That section is closed." Like it's some other foreign country

and you need a passport to get over there.

"That section is closed" is just restaurant talk

for "We don't wanna walk."

[all] That's stupid!

I saw this thing on TV the other day

where you could be a surgical assistant

in just a week or two. I hope restaurant people

don't see that ad and go down there with their attitude.

You might be laying on the surgical table and, uh,

and the surgeon wants a scalpel

and your restaurant kind of a person says,

"I'm sorry, that ain't my table."

Oh, I'll tell you who really runs around for you,

is these people at the health food restaurants.

They have to get the food quick to your table before it rots.

I'm on a macrobiotic diet myself.

I only eat macaroni.

[both] That's stupid.

Here's a place where I could eat out.

I'll just, uh, come on over here.

Uh, oh, here's a good idea, guys.

You know, your woman wants to go out to eat every so often.

Tell her you're on a "let's go out to eat" diet.

Every time she wants to go out to eat,

you say, "No, let's diet." You stay at the house,

you save a lot of money, and I tell you,

every time she wants to go out to eat,

you could probably stand not eating at all.

In fact, I think I'll just order now.

Uh, could I, uh... Waitress, please? Um...

I'd like to order. Uh, thank you.

Uh, oh, boy, one of the good ones.

Um, you know, every time I order,

I'm always surprised at what they bring out.

I'd rather just order what I know I'm gonna get.

That way I'm not surprised.

Uh, I'll have a bent fork, please.

A dull knife, a soup spoon for my coffee

with that little circle smear right in the middle

where something's dried, you know how that goes.

My coffee bitter, please, and a chipped cup

or a lipstick smear, I'm not particular. You know me.

A glass of water, please, cloudy or tepid.

A salad, yes, a salad, mostly lettuce,

you know how you like to do, cheap, cheap, cheap.

Don't put anything in there-- Oh, red.

You put a little red in there, either a tomato if you want to,

or a radish.

Now that can be either that sloppy lettuce

on the outside of the ball,

or that really tight yellow stuff on the inside.

Now, I'll take a piece of meat, it doesn't matter what.

You're going to deep-fat fry it, it'll taste just like fish.

I'll order corn, you bring mixed vegetables.

They all taste the same.

Uh, let me see, and, um... a dirty look. Thank you.

Oh, uh, excuse me. Do you have spaghetti racquets?

Oh, good. I'll take that.

Thank you.

Hey, gang.

It ain't the chemicals in meat.

It's the price that'll kill you. See ya.

Hi, gang. Let's have a cup of coffee

and talk about restaurants.

Now, what's my major beef?

I think it's that they can put whatever they want to

on the menu, like, say, ham and cheese,

and then bring whatever they think a ham and cheese is.

Now, I bought 25 ham and cheese sandwiches today.

Now, here's one for $3.95.

Now, does that look like $3.95 to you?

I don't know. To tell you the truth,

most sandwiches I bought today cost $3.95.

Here's another one. Now, this is that big old hunk of ham,

and then that hunk of cheese

and then another hunk of ham kind of sandwich.

Some people like that and might want that one

for $3.95 instead of this one.

If this was chocolate, this would, like, be M&Ms

and this would be a Chunky.

It's up to you, what kind do you like?

Well, look at this. Say you only got $1.95.

You could have this fine little sandwich here,

worth every penny of it.

But if you only got $1.95, that's the one you gotta buy.

If you got $4.25, you get this sandwich here.

I guess $4,25-- Ooh, gets you that sauce in there.

But that's that sprinkled up kind of loosey old ham there.

And you can, for $4.85, though, you get this one here.

Isn't this strange? For, uh, just a little bit more,

you get all of this lettuce, if you like that kind of stuff.

I don't know. Now, look here.

Say you come out with $5.

And you get stuff that you don't eat

and leave in there and do you really want that anyway?

So it's kind of hard to tell. They can just bring you

whatever they consider to be a ham and a cheese.

Well, I say if they can do that, then we ought to be able

to pay for it with whatever we consider to be money.

Right, gang? I'm gonna put all of these sandwiches

right over here in the time capsule

and see if they last until the next eon.

Now, I'm also gonna put in a pair of ud-- edible underwear.

[laughs] I almost couldn't say it.

That's two for 69.

Now, the computer was gonna do a prediction today

about restaurants, but I decided to do it instead.

'Cause I have a real good idea.

You know if you work for a restaurant,

later on you never wanna eat there

'cause you're sick of the food.

Well, I think by the year 2000, half of the United States'

will have worked for McDonald's,

so I think they're gonna go out of business.

You only need half of the people to have worked there

to ruin it for everybody, 'cause you probably go out

two at a time, and one says, "Let's go to McDonald's,"

and the other one says, "No, I used to work there.

I hate the food." So, anyway, I've invented this.

What do you think of this? This is a hankie shirt.

Now, when you take a kid out to eat,

he also learns some manners and you know some kids

like to blow their nose on their shirt.

So I made this little thing here, it's a hankie shirt.

See, it's kind of a little t-shirt

that he can blow his nose on, or she can blow her nose on.

And you get the same feeling like you're blowing your nose

on a shirt, except it's kind of a little handkerchief.

And it matches and it's just so cute.

You're probably wondering how I made this

so that it matched and everything.

Well, that's just my little secret.

[bell ringing]

Hello, boys and girls.

Today "That's Stupid" goes to school!

School, where you go to learn to communicate,

and all they ever tell you is, "No talking."

Boy, am I glad I went to school when I was a kid,

'cause I could never put up with it now.

I don't know how you kids do it. It's so dumb down there,

the home ec teachers are divorced,

the shop teachers don't have all of their fingers.

I used to get in so much trouble at school for acting smart.

Isn't that dumb? Then I'd play hooky too.

You know what happens if they catch you playing hooky?

They kick you out. Real smart, huh, gang?

He won't come, we won't let him.

I guess I was kind of weird, though.

I used to wear my socks over my shoes

so when my laces came untied, I didn't trip over them.

I still think that's a good idea.

Hi, boys and girls. I'm Mr. Gallagher,

and today we're going to talk about spelling

here at "skool." See how I spelled it?

I spelled it "skool" and not "school,"

like they make you at school.

How many learned the rule "I before E except after C"?

Well, forget it. Because it doesn't work.

All of these words never heard about that rule.

Agencies, beige, efficient.

Even science didn't hear about the rule

"I before E except after C."

Look, Albert couldn't even have spelled his name

if he had gone by that rule.

Don't we all fudge that rule a little bit, gang,

whenever we have a word like this?

Let's write "science." Don't we go,

"S-C" and then kind of an "I"

and kind of an "E,"

and then the "N" and then the "C" and the "E."

And you dot it somewhere in the middle.

We know your trick, don't we?

Let's change the language,

but it's evolved by accident.

Maybe we could just change it that way, gang.

Let's take the word "meat."

Maybe some caveman came back to the cave one day

and saw something cooking and said, "Me eat."

And then they just made it "meat."

Or the word "lollygagging" always seemed strange to me.

Sounds like some guy's got Lolly and he's gagging her again!

Or how about the word "loincloth"?

What a funny word. Why did they call it that?

It doesn't cover your loin, does it?

How many know it's because that's the cleanest word

in the area they could use?

How do you abbreviate "Episcopalian"?

Who knows, gang?

Hey, look at the word "scuttlebutt."

Doesn't that sound like someone has stole your rear end?

Then you'll have to go to a retailer.

Isn't language fun?

Look, here's the word "seniority."

How many Spanish people think

that means something different than it does?

Probably you do.

Well, gang, that was a little excursion into language today.

It's a funny place. Cargo goes by ship,

shipments go by trucks, trucks go by train.

None of this makes any sense. It's our English language.

I guess they call it a wet suit...

because you can't go to the bathroom.

See, it really does make sense.

Although the word "recession"

sounds like it should be a lot more fun.

Isn't recess fun?

And I wonder why do they call Saturday and Sunday the weekend

when Saturday is first in the TV Guide

and Sunday is first in the calendar?

Well, don't look too closely at your language.

You might find these problems too.

Just sit down and watch the TV set.

Wonder why they call it a set? You only get one.

-Oh, I wish I was absent. -[bell rings]

Attention, class. It's show and tell time.

Yep, we finally got something in the mail here

on "That's Stupid."

We got some slides from John Hadley

from Norman, Oklahoma.

John calls this "shoes for people on the way up."

Here's "shoes for people on the way down."

Here's "parallelograms."

"Errors." "A fur coat and a further coat."

Hey, gang, let's put some fun stuff in the time capsule.

What do you say? How about this?

There's them Bo Derek braids. I wanna show people

in the future that they were popular one time.

It's kind of embarrassing now that we look at 'em.

Ain't it, gang? Really.

And here's an Oakland Raider t-shirt.

I still call them that, don't you?

That'll be real rare one day.

Now, gang, I needed some Fizzies and some Flav-R-Straws

to put in there, so if you got 'em at your house,

send them along.

Now, it's almost time for school to be out,

so let's summarize.

I think we can all agree that school is where you go

to waste your time until you're old enough to get a boring job.

If you're in school now, I want you to stay there

'cause there ain't no jobs out here.

Now, I want you kids to take your time too.

Don't make any big decisions till your wisdom teeth come in.

See, brains are okay if you think you need 'em.

I want you to remember the story

of the grasshopper and the ant too.

Do you know it? Well, all summer long,

the grasshopper played while the ant worked really hard

and saved his food. Then when winter came,

the grasshopper ate the ant and stole his food.

Good story, huh, gang?

Now I want all of you teenagers into alcohol out there

to leave yourself something for middle age.

And all of you adolescents into sex,

I want you to take a tip from your parents.

It is possible to live with somebody and love them

without having sex.

Today, "That's Stupid" looks at unemployment.

But we're not gonna do it on this side of the street, gang.

'Cause we're gonna be asking some questions

like, why is there so much unemployment

when there's so much work to do?

And why can't you get unemployment when you're sick?

Don't you need it then worse than any time?

Now, we ain't blaming nobody.

We're just asking questions here on "That's Stupid."

-I don't think you can put this on camera. -All right. Okay.

-Then we will. That's okay. -But when I was here in July,

I was sitting down and a man exposed himself.

Truly, in that very office over there.

You know, he was reading a newspaper,

and I was sitting next to him and the newspaper was shaking.

-Was it the want ads? -[laughs]

Well, if you could change the unemployment system,

what would you do?

I'd have a revolution. You have to have a revolution.

-The only way you can change it. -[laughing]

If you could change the system, what would you do?

How would you change it around?

What I would do, I'd say, uh,

-give all the old folks $500 apiece. [laughs] -Uh-huh.

When will this finally lift out,

and this unemployment problem be gone?

Apparently, when, uh, communism take over.

When communism... Will that be later this year?

No, it'll be about 1984.

Well, I'm not unemployed.

-Well, you... -[laughs]

Well, that's just today. You don't know about

what's coming up at the end of the week.

-You're right. -You never know.

I never knew, you know.

Well, as the sun goes down, we close another show,

this one on unemployment.

We hope you see the humor in our location

for the end of the show and we hope you don't

see unemployment as a dead end, but kind of just

a curve in the tracks and heading out to something new.

We hope that you like this new thing here,

this show about stupidity.

I don't really know what it's about.

It's kind of the human things we all do that are stupid.

I can't think of any examples right now.

But I do have some examples for the time capsule.

I think that the future should know that we once had

an Ethel Merman disco album.

Yes, that we were that dumb once.

Also, from the comedy computer here,

a can of Billy Beer I think is also good.

You know, gang, if I can be serious for just a moment,

one thing that affected me about this show

on unemployment was realizing that those people

down at unemployment are gonna be the last ones

to lose their job. [laughs]

It just affected me.

Now I wonder why do we even charge income tax

to federal and civil employees like that?

Don't we pay 'em in tax? Aren't we just taking out

a little bit of something we're gonna give back to them

in the next paycheck, making work for some bookkeeper?

If we support them people, why don't they just

tell us which one we support, and we'll write 'em a check?

Or give them cash in an envelope. They love that.

Or give them a call, talk to them,

see if they really work, see what they do.

Do you know that 70 percent of Americans

don't believe they'll be any honey in the pot

when they go to dip in and get their Social Security?

Well, they ought to call it "So-so Security."

As long as we got missiles, I feel secure.

In fact, I think that it ought to be okay for Americans

to kind of band together and test their national defenses

on their own, just to see if we're on our toes.

Kind of sneak up to a federal facility

just, oh, until they say, "Who goes there?"

Then just say, "Hollywood Lions Club."

And they say, "Okay, cool, thanks. We needed that."

[both] That's stupid.

I think this would be appropriate here on this show

about unemployment, our president said,

"There's plenty of jobs in the paper."

He also said, "I think ten percent unemployment

is encouraging. It means 90 percent are employed."

I don't think I'll go into politics.

Today, "That's Stupid" looks at, guess what, gang?

Products! Pre-trash.

Yes, a product is what they call it

when they want you to pay top dollar.

Trash is what they call it when they need bottom fill.

There's some good stuff out here, gang.

Can you believe all of this?

I can't believe that this thing is worthless.

Look at all them gears and everything.

Good money out here at the trash pile.

Let's look at some household stuff.

You all have this around your house, don't you?

It's hard to throw it away, somebody finally did.

How about an ice tray? You've got them, don't you?

Plastic nowadays, don't need this aluminum.

How about the dish... you hardly ever throw that away.

You put it underneath the sink where the rag gets real stiff

and dry hanging on the pipe.

Remember this? This is that part

you cut off of the dryer, I think.

Then you save it 'cause you never know,

you might need that again. I don't know.

And here's a shower curtain.

Hard to throw that away, ain't it, gang?

Boy! There's some really good stuff here.

I love these pants, don't you?

Look! This doll, something about it I just like.

You know, I'll bet I can make something out of this.

I better take this.

[engine sputtering, revving]

Shopping, shopping, shopping, shopping.

Products, products, products. Buy, buy, buy.

If you don't have it, you can buy it!

If you didn't get it... [laughs] the first time around,

you can get it at one of the stores.

Plastic, plastic, plastic. It's a Frisbee world.

Buy it and then throw it away.

Frisbee's the perfect product, gang.

You buy it, you throw it away.

Boomerang comes back, you don't have to buy a new one.

Not such a good product.

Let's talk about stupid products for just a minute.

A trashcan liner, perfect product.

You buy it, you throw it away.

Oh, uh, toilet bowl cleaner. Even a better product.

You flush it, it's gone. Who's gonna complain?

Solar-powered reading lamp, dumb product. Don't buy it.

Dog food where the flavor matches the shape,

really stupid, gang. Who eats... [laughs]

The dog doesn't eat one at a time, does he? No.

Now, I got this smoke alarm here.

There's a guarantee on the back.

Real stupid.

If this don't work, what's left, gang?

Now, I've modified this for you

to take to cocktail parties with smokers.

If somebody comes up blowing smoke, this thing just goes...

-[beeping] -Now, if they persist,

I've modified this product.

You stick this over their head,

and they have to live with what they put out.

Don't they, gang?

Now, for you kids, we got these graham crackers right here.

You know what a dumb product this is.

You open these things up,

take out a couple of graham crackers,

and you can't fold this back up airtight. Forget it.

Now, if you've got some drunks in the house,

going home from the party, you stick this on their head,

they don't bump into doors and walls.

See, use your head. It's an imaginative world.

Now, uh, here is a new product I'm coming out with.

This is King Kong Potato Chips. Bet you can't eat just one!

Hey, just kidding around, gang.

It's an American tradition to kid around and invent stuff.

I invented this thing right here.

Just fooling around.

I'm gonna put this in the time capsule, though,

for future generations to see how dumb we were.

Just to think maybe we might have used something like that.

Also, going in the time capsule this time

is the Gallagher album. Boy, was that hot.

If you ain't got one, forget it.

There goes the last one along with the Gallagher doll.

Just fooling around today, gang.

You know, I'm surprised that this, uh,

guy that put the strychnine in the Tylenol

didn't have a sense of humor and do something

just for the fun of it, you know,

you know how Americans are.

Might just put Preparation H in lipstick.

It wouldn't hurt nobody, it'd just make 'em

do a whole bunch like this.

Now, we got a computer right here

that's been programmed with stupid information

about products to see what it can predict

might come in the future.

Kick it out, Mr. Japanese Computer! Hey!

It's a fortune cookie, of course.

And it says, "In the future, we will have transparent toys

so kids don't have to take 'em apart to see how they work."

Hey, it's a Frisbee world.

I want all of you shoppers to get out there

and do your shopping, remember a penny saved

is just one more thing you gotta carry around

in your pocket.

He who hesitates, still hasn't found a parking space.

Even if all the computers break down,

you can still count on your fingers.

And garbagemen are always at our disposal.

Here's the finest product of all.

For those of you people that have babies at home,

you know that as soon as you wanna buff your shoes,

the kids run off with all of the rags.

And these work just fine.

See ya at the next sale, gang.

That works real good.

[birds chirping]

Hi, gang.

Today "That's Stupid" looks at...

...laws, laws, laws,

laws!

If the law made any sense, that'd be one thing, gang.

But in the state of New York, a blue law says

you can't buy bibles on Sunday.

But you can buy Playboy and other interview magazines.

While in the state of North Carolina,

it's illegal to sing off-key.

Key... Key...

We came way out here, gang, in an attempt to get away

from the stupid laws of the land.

Why, in Alabama, there's a town that prohibits the driving

of a motorboat down a city street.

Nor are you allowed to fish from said vehicle.

In Zion, Illinois, you can't give a lighted cigar

to a dog, a cat, or any domesticated animal,

but you can give one to a gorilla.

In Portland, Oregon, a minister cannot perform a wedding

at a skating rink or a movie theater.

In Norman, Oklahoma,

it's illegal to make an ugly face at a dog.

And in Tucson, Arizona,

it's illegal for any visiting football team

to tote, carry, punt, pass, kick or in any other way

convey an inflated pigskin across the goal line

of the University of Arizona.

Go, go, go, go, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute!

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! Go, go, go, stop, stop, stop!

Laws, laws, laws, laws, laws, laws, laws, laws!

Laws, laws, laws. It seems like everywhere you go,

you can't be there.

It's either public property and they got guards and rules

or private propert-- property, and they got dogs.

Where in the world can you be in the world?

I don't know, wherever it is, it's probably stupid.

Just like us. Don't we fit this stupid world, gang?

When it's raining, we hold out our hand,

and see if it's raining over there.

Even though the rain's hitting us on the head.

It's just the way we are. We're just stupid old people.

I have some other examples of stupidity,

but I can't think of them right now.

Oh, yeah. Here. Sometimes you go up to a door

and it says "P-U-L-L" and you "P-U-S-H."

And that's dumb. Or sometimes you can "P-U-S-H"

or "P-U-L-L." I guess the world is dumb.

You can go any way you want to.

I can't believe there's any laws in this world.

People are so different, how can you tell them how to be?

I mean, if a homosexual male goes out with a married woman,

is that wrong?

If your woman leaves you for another woman,

should you hold the door for both of them?

See, it's pretty confusing.

I was watching TV the other day

and they had a lot of public service announcements

during the movie late at night.

And I thought, gee, this is nice.

And then I says, no, that's stupid. Who's watching these?

They ought to have them on in the afternoon,

in the early evening, when they can do some good.

Boy, I bet you some politician puffed himself up real big

the day they come up with that law.

"The TV must have a certain percentage of the day

to public service announcements."

And then what happened? They just stuck it near the end

and didn't do no good at all.

You got to keep your eye out for stupidity in this world, gang.

We can't change it much 'cause we don't have any money.

You got to have money to change the laws.

You got to have lobbyists, which is stupid too.

What are they doing, holding the government out

in the lobby anyway?

You couldn't get the Ten Commandments through Congress

if Moses was buying drinks.

"Thou shalt not bear false witness,"

it'd be opposed by the National Enquirer.

"Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord in vain"

would be opposed by the coaches and the fans and the players.

And "Thou shalt not commit adultery"

would never get out of the House of Representatives, gang.

You look for stupidity in high places now.

I went to traffic court the other day

and I told the judge I'd like to go to traffic school

and he says, "Okay, Gallagher. But you better not be late."

And I said, "Judge, that's the same kind of thinking

that got me here.

You of all people should be saying,

'Gallagher, your safety, your health

is the most important thing.

Just get there whenever you can

and we'll talk about safety then.'"

See, watch out for these kind of things.

Now, gang, be smart in the face of stupidity.

Why don't they take all them busses that they're dragging

the kids to the wrong schools in and take the drunks home

from the bars at night. Good idea, gang?

How about a law against these kind of keys at the gas station,

they put them on such a big log you can't even...

And carry them around!

Well, you put me in charge someday,

and I'll change it just to suit you guys.

Let's go on back to the computer.

I think it's got a prediction for, uh, for this show.

Computer, tell us, what do you see in the area--

Oh! The old fortune cookie went right on the floor.

And here's what it says for today.

It says that history is circular,

that all things that went around come around again.

So y'all remember that the... the '90s, the Gay '90s,

well, they're coming around again, so watch out.

[laughs] Gang... ah. I want to show you some stuff

we're gonna put in the time capsule for today's show.

Number one, we're gonna put in a pocket copy

of the Constitution of the United States,

just to make people in the future think that we read this

or even cared about it.

I read it and I found out that income tax

is not mentioned in here anywhere, gang.

So if you don't wanna pay it, it's okay.

Tell 'em I said so.

And also if you have any ideas on stuff to put in

to the time capsule, just send it in.

Here's an idea I had, so if you have this idea,

don't send it in.

Uh, also, this hangar I've already got.

Did you get that joke when I had it in the back?

Well, it doesn't matter. You can get it in another show.

Well, gang, it's about time for me to get out of here.

I wanted to tell you that I needed a bacon straightener

and a dice cup for my next show.

So go ahead and send that in and let's see.

What else did I need, uh... Uh...

Oh, yeah. Hair.

If you have any hair, send it in.

Hi, gang. Today "That's Stupid" looks at... humans.

Oh, just the little, silly, stupid things we do

when we almost walk into people.

Or say we have a handkerchief and we drop it,

we go to pick it up and somebody else is being polite

and they put their head down and then you bang your head.

We're just dumb, old humans.

We stick our finger in the fan to see if it hurts,

and then maybe there's this match burning in the ashtray

and we wanna help and so we... blow it out.

We're just so dumb. Well, just look at how we're built.

And we're almost kind of built stupid.

Would you put a wet, drainy thing like your nose

upside down over your mouth?

And don't you wish we was kind of built like these mannequins

and our arms came off at night when we went to bed?

They always fall asleep before I do.

I wish I could just pick it up and then just take her off

and hang it up.

Well, I wonder, what would you hang the other one up with?

Oh, well, I don't have this all figured out.

But I sure have plenty of questions.

Like, oh, your knee.

If your knee bent the other way, what would a chair look like?

And look at your feet, gang.

Your feet just don't do the job right, do they?

They look like God got bored near the end here

and made your foot up to here and somebody said,

"How you gonna make them stand up?"

And he just said, "Oh, I'll just bend the leg over, you know."

If feet were any good, we wouldn't need this big stand

to make him stand up.

A Christmas tree stands up better than we do, gang.

'Cause it has support in all four directions.

We got our support in the same direction.

You hit a human any way but from the back,

they're on their butt. Oh, well.

The hand, though. The hand is perfect.

God, in his infinite wisdom,

knew we'd need something just this size

to clean out our ear, this one here goes right up your nose,

this one's for the wedding, and this one, of course,

is for the divorce.

Talk about leaving. Check this out, gang.

Boy, if this was a bathroom rug,

you'd pitch it out.

You guys don't know.

It's heck to hit your head and have it show.

You just don't know.

You... you know.

You I like.

And you...

I resemble.

You people probably don't figure that.

Look at his hair and look at mine.

But I used to look like that.

Look at him right here.

Wonder what that was. Was that my temporary hair?

My baby hair? Well, it certainly was a temporary social life.

You just miss out on a lot of loving having a head

that looks like this, gang. You figure it out.

If the hair fell out of your dog,

would you want to pet him? No.

Hey, guy, you wanna go out and find some girls?

You wanna find some girls? Plastered.

Hey, you're up. You wanna go out and find some girls?

What do you say, you wanna find some girls?

You wanna stay here? Well, then you won't need this drink.

Let's just head out. What do you say?

Well, here's the girls.

I think they're attracted to my cowboy clothes.

But I think they're dumb, don't you, gang?

Let's start with the hat.

Now, if you was a cowboy and you're gonna ride

a horse in the wind underneath some branches,

would you wear something with a big, wide brim?

Heck no. Cowboy ought to wear a football helmet.

This is for parties, isn't it, girls?

You wear this at an angle with some flowers right here.

And look at these shoes.

Big, high heels and a pointed toe?

No wonder a cowboy is a swaggering bully.

You've got to fight in these boots

'cause you can't run.

Big, old high-heeled boots and a party hat.

And a scarf. I think the sexual confusion in America

is not in San Francisco, it's in Dallas.

And here's some other dumb stuff too, gang.

Look at this, leg warmers.

Now, if this is cold, ain't this cold?

And this down vest. If this is cold, ain't this cold?

I used to think both of these were dumb,

but now that I see them together alone,

I like this outfit. Try it.

But don't try this. I'm glad you quit wearing this completely.

I can't believe that women used to clip these in the front

and then grind them around until the early '60s.

Don't buy this no more, girls.

And don't buy this either.

Don't buy these silly looking robes

to wear around the house.

You see this enticing looking woman,

ready for an evening's entertainment?

Well, you put this on her...

Look at that attitude. She's going to bed alone.

Girls, if you're done with sex for the rest of your life,

wear this robe.

Or this robe.

[drum hit]

That's our show for today, gang.

"That's Stupid" looks at humans.

Both boy humans and girl humans.

I hope I was fair to both of the sexes.

If I wasn't, remember, I'm only human.

I hope you weren't offended when I had my shirt off,

but you gotta remember: in the beginning,

man was naked.

Which is a great way to start a story, isn't it?

Gets you right off. Got me right off.

How many know the first article of clothing

that was ever invented? Too late. It was shoes.

Shoes have been around about as long as there's been

something around to step in.

There's almost always been something around to step in.

Especially back in dinosaur times.

Now, shoes comes from the popular expression

of that time: "Shoo! What's that on your shoe?"

And who knows what was invented right after shoes?

Pants! Pants were invented. Why?

'Cause man felt stupid standing around nude in his shoes.

And pants were invented by Ishmael's brother Levi

from the land of Jordache.

Hey, we wanna be stylish here on "That's Stupid."

So we wanna make a comment on the latest

"I love this and that and the other city."

Here's our New York edition of that stupidity.

Now, for all of you fellow dish owners,

I'm going to tell you some of the--

some of the movies that are on the satellite tonight.

We have Tight Spot: The Story of Dean Martin's Dog,

I Saw What You Did: Joan Crawford Scolds Her Cat,

and, uh, The Six Million Dollar Mermaid:

Victor Mature and Esther Williams fall deeper in love,

as the tail unfolds.

Hey, the computer's been hot all day,

digesting stupid information to come up with a stupid prediction

about what kind of a stupid future

we're all gonna be living in.

Here it comes. A Japanese computer

puts out a fortune cookie, of course.

And it says that doctors will prevail,

man will live to be 200 years old,

toilets will become extinct,

because we'll all just pee dust.

Hey, that's something to look forward to.

Ain't it, gang? Now, into the time capsule

for forever to keep is the ceramic watermelon.

With whatever you want to call it up on top.

Do you believe I got two of these for Christmas?

Don't send me anymore. In fact, I'm sending this one

into the future in the Styrofoam time capsule.

This will be here when we're all gone.

Well, as my dad used to say, when all is said and done,

sit down and shut up.

So I'll just go ahead and do that and say good-- Oh!

Ladies first.

Hi, gang. What a trip!

Today "That's Stupid" looks at the airline.

I thought I got a great idea.

I'll just take a job with the airline

and see what it's like to deal with the American public.

Maybe it ain't that easy, boy,

getting a dollar off of these people the hard way.

Maybe if we worked for the airline,

we'd start developing an attitude like they have

for our personal property and our stuff.

You don't know what it's like dealing

with the general public every day.

It might be pretty damn difficult.

But then I says, no, that's too much like work.

I got a couple of bucks now.

I'll just buy me a ticket and take a plane trip myself

and see what it's like from the passenger's point of view.

I could use, uh, an extra dollar.

It's very expensive traveling these days.

So I guess I'll... I'll see you.

I'm just gonna... just gonna go now.

Bye!

You know how one little thing will sometimes mess up

a whole trip? Well, I'm up there at the ticket counter

and he says to me, "Are you a smoker or a nonsmoker?"

I thought, what a strange thing to be defined

by what it is I don't do.

I don't wet my seat. They don't ask me that.

"Are you a wetter or non-wetter?"

I just tell them, if it's a DC-10,

I'm a wetter. [laughs]

Well, I feel better now just telling you.

So I'll just go and get on the plane.

I just wanted to say one last thing,

'cause we didn't have a really good goodbye last time.

So... goodbye!

Go in!

Now that's two things.

They want me to take my hat off at the metal detector.

I went through the metal detector and it didn't go ding.

I told her it didn't go ding, and she still says,

"Take off your hat." I said, "Why?"

She says, "You might be hiding something in there."

I said, "I might be hiding something in my pants too.

If I take off my hat, I'm gonna drop my pants." [laughs]

Well, I told her that.

But I'm still going on the plane.

That's just a little thing. I can handle it.

I'm going away. This traveling's harder than it looks.

See ya! Bye!

Would you look at this suitcase!

I was sitting on the plane,

I watched it go up the conveyer belt,

I couldn't believe it!

There she stood too. The stewardess told me,

the girl that works at the metal detector that I made mad

'cause I wouldn't take off my hat

is married to the guy in baggage.

It's all a little thing, I don't care.

It's peripheral, it's the pilot and the plane that's important.

I'll still go on the trip. I'll tell you what's stupid.

It's just peripheral. Pilot and plane.

The pilot has a lisp.

It's not a big lisp, it's just one of those,

[lisping] "Passengers take your seats."

And I thought, oh, no. What if he flies like he talks?

Too late, he's already into,

[lisping] "Welcome to Sun Airlines,

service to San Francisco, Spokane and Seattle."

I thought, oh, no.

He said, "Fasten your seatbelts."

I says, yeah, 'cause we're coming [lisping] sliding

down the runway, 'cause somebody spit all over

the steering wheel. [laughs]

I hope I live through this thing, gang.

See ya, I'm taking this plane anyway.

Touchdown!

You know, gang, there's a thing I say

about giving all the houses out by the airport

that nobody wants to live in 'cause it's too loud

to deaf people.

But as you can see, they've already taken them houses

and thrown them away someplace.

So if you like the idea, forget it.

Now, we're out here at LAX to show you

that in Los Angeles nobody sits out and watches

the planes take off and land.

Why? 'Cause it's stupid.

In fact, that's a good judge of whether or not

your town is stupid.

If you go out to the airport and you notice that people

are there watching the planes take off and land,

you should move.

Well, that's our show for today about airports

and the stupidity therein.

I only have one more comment and that's about airline seats.

I saw this advertisement for an unknown airline,

which said that the human body was not made to fit

in a normal airline seat.

So they had redesigned the seat

and it was available only in first class.

Now, my mama told me if you don't have enough for everybody,

don't get it out.

The people in coach got human bodies too, don't they?

Now, I'm sitting up in first class the other day

and something stupid happened to me I wanted to tell you about.

I'm sitting there and a guy puts his foot up here

with his sock.

His sock in first class!

I don't wanna give him the satisfaction

of telling him how stupid he is.

So I just get him back in like kind.

Take off my shoe, take off my sock,

and hang it over the back of my chair.

He got the idea, gang, and you can, uh,

you can fight back that way too.

Now, here's how I got the airlines the other day.

I brought 'em two suitcases and I says,

"Can you take this one and send it to Miami,

and send this one to Denver?"

They says, "No, we can't do that."

I said, "You did it yesterday."

Got 'em back, didn't I, gang?

Now, I picked on everybody but the pilots,

'cause I don't wanna pick on them.

They're really in charge of our baggage, gang.

In fact, of all the people that we tip on a trip,

I think the pilot's the one ought to get it first.

Now, the cab drivers out at the airport

get a tip too and they're kind of our pilots.

But ain't none of them from this country.

And that's real stupid.

I get in a cab and most of the guys

have a name that's only spelled with vowels.

Some kind of a Mr. Diphthong and he don't know this country

let alone your neighborhood.

You write me and tell me if you don't think that's stupid too.

I just wanna show you that your fearless leader here

in the war on stupidity has just as many problems as you do.

Now, nobody's been writing me, so the letter for today

comes from me.

And the letter says, uh... Of course I wrote it.

"Why don't you talk about that umbrella

upside down satellite dish that sends your signal

out into space about stupidity here on earth?

Why don't you mention your Japanese computer

that synthesizes all the stupid information

and projects it into the future?"

Well, I answer by saying my audience is so smart,

they don't even have to hear about this stuff.

Now, the computer does have one prediction for today.

And it puts it out in the form, of course,

of a fortune cookie.

Fortune cookie says...

that sometime in the future here

what with rising postal costs and diminishing airfares,

it will soon be cheaper to take your mail

to your friend in person on the plane.

Okay. There's been some confusion lately

about how "That's Stupid" stands on the space program.

Let's look at a couple of shots here.

I wanna tell you that we're for going to the moon,

we don't think it's stupid to waste our money on that.

In fact, "That's Stupid" thinks that we wasted our money

on the best thing possible when we went to the moon.

We don't think it's stupid to put your foot in the dirt,

we don't think it's stupid to drive your car around

or even leave it abandoned on the moon.

But we do think it is kind of dumb to pee on the flag

and it's dumb for Music Television to show that slide

all of the time.

So write them and tell them.

Now, I think that, uh, we should say something

about them little plastic wings you get at the airport,

uh, if you're a kid on the plane.

Number one: don't give anything with points and pins

to children! That's stupid!

Number two: we think there ought to be a door

where you can get off of the plane

with some grinning stewardess that doesn't say,

"Bye now, have a nice day. Bye now, have a nice day."

It's time for me to get out of here now.

And, uh, that's my plane.

So I'll be seeing you later somewhere else.

We'll be looking for what's stupid!