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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,240
He's dead?! Now he's not here, I've
realised Dad was my best friend.
2
00:00:05,240 --> 00:00:06,880
Can you keep a secret?
3
00:00:06,880 --> 00:00:08,240
It turns out I hadn't died!
4
00:00:08,240 --> 00:00:09,960
Oh, my God! Dad!
5
00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:13,240
The money from your dad's
life insurance finally came through.
6
00:00:13,240 --> 00:00:14,880
You've stolen
a quarter of a million quid?
7
00:00:14,880 --> 00:00:17,640
We did want that money
for you and Neha and the boys.
8
00:00:17,640 --> 00:00:19,680
This is fraud. You can go to prison.
9
00:00:19,680 --> 00:00:23,080
I know we've put you in a tiny bit
of an impossible situation.
10
00:00:23,080 --> 00:00:26,200
You mustn't tell Neha.
You could put her career at risk!
11
00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:28,040
I can't believe he's actually gone.
12
00:00:28,040 --> 00:00:30,160
I know. Neither can we.
13
00:00:36,240 --> 00:00:38,600
BIRDSONG
14
00:00:47,560 --> 00:00:50,200
Ohhh!
15
00:00:47,560 --> 00:00:50,200
SHE GROWLS IN FRUSTRATION
16
00:00:54,800 --> 00:00:59,240
Oi! You! Can't you read?
It says no junk mail!
17
00:00:59,240 --> 00:01:00,840
No, it don't!
18
00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:04,000
Oh, for fuck's...
19
00:01:07,280 --> 00:01:12,440
William! That tosspot son of yours
has vandalised the sign again.
20
00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:57,360
Mum? Dad?
21
00:01:58,800 --> 00:01:59,840
Hello?
22
00:02:03,240 --> 00:02:04,760
Hello?
23
00:02:07,240 --> 00:02:08,680
Oh, my God.
24
00:02:08,680 --> 00:02:11,120
My God. Oh, my God.
25
00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:13,240
No, no, no. No, no, no.
26
00:02:13,240 --> 00:02:15,680
No, no, no, no, no.
Dad, can you hear me?
27
00:02:15,680 --> 00:02:16,920
HARRY YELLS
28
00:02:16,920 --> 00:02:19,040
SHE LAUGHS
29
00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:20,840
Oh, what the hell are you doing?!
30
00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:22,480
Just a bit of fun.
31
00:02:22,480 --> 00:02:23,800
Oh, you scared the shit out of me.
32
00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:25,560
That's what makes it fun.
33
00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:27,520
How many times are you going to
make me think you're dead?
34
00:02:27,520 --> 00:02:29,440
Well, as long as we keep
getting a good reaction.
35
00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:31,160
Serves you right for the sign.
36
00:02:31,160 --> 00:02:33,160
It's a good hat, isn't it? Yeah.
37
00:02:33,160 --> 00:02:36,920
It's all about
the little flourishes. Yeah.
38
00:02:36,920 --> 00:02:38,640
Your face!
39
00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:43,160
What are these for?
40
00:02:43,160 --> 00:02:45,520
Can't a boy just buy some flowers
for his mummy?
41
00:02:45,520 --> 00:02:48,400
No. And don't call me Mummy.
It's...creepy.
42
00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:49,720
Yeah...
43
00:02:49,720 --> 00:02:51,920
Are those for me? Yes.
44
00:02:51,920 --> 00:02:54,680
I also treated me and Neha
to a jet washer
45
00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:56,360
with some of the insurance money.
46
00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:59,280
Ah, sweet! Which one?
The Karcher K5 Power Control
47
00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:01,200
with the dirt blaster
and the spray lance.
48
00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:02,960
It's actually in the boot,
if you want to give it a go.
49
00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:05,040
That does sound like my idea of fun,
50
00:03:05,040 --> 00:03:09,200
but, unfortunately, I've just got
something urgent to attend to first.
51
00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:13,040
Ah-ah-ah-ah! William Fendon,
where do you think you're going?
52
00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:14,600
Just upstairs.
53
00:03:14,600 --> 00:03:16,760
Do you think I was born yesterday?
54
00:03:16,760 --> 00:03:17,880
No.
55
00:03:17,880 --> 00:03:19,360
I know you're 67.
56
00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:20,400
Right.
57
00:03:21,600 --> 00:03:25,040
Hand them over.
Hand what over?
58
00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:26,680
Don't make me wrestle you again.
59
00:03:28,640 --> 00:03:30,480
Not in front of the child.
60
00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:42,680
You're a cruel woman.
A cruel, cruel woman.
61
00:03:44,040 --> 00:03:46,280
So very, very cruel.
62
00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:50,600
Cruel!
63
00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:53,280
Cruel!
64
00:03:54,560 --> 00:03:57,960
It is a bit cruel.
Harold! He's an addict.
65
00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:01,120
And he's going to eat himself
into an early grave.
66
00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:02,360
Another one.
67
00:04:02,360 --> 00:04:06,600
And next time, there won't be
a pay-out to soften the blow.
68
00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:17,519
Isn't that incredible? I never knew
our patio even looked like that.
69
00:04:17,519 --> 00:04:20,360
It's nice you've found a hobby.
Yeah. Since we got it,
70
00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:22,920
me and Harry
just look at everything now, like,
71
00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:25,480
"I could jetwash the shit
out of that."
72
00:04:26,520 --> 00:04:28,360
Have you got owt
that needs blasting?
73
00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:31,840
Brickwork, garden furniture -
we'll do it all.
74
00:04:31,840 --> 00:04:33,840
No, I personally
don't like jet washers.
75
00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:36,400
We had a terrible experience
last summer.
76
00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:38,480
Neil was doing our patio.
77
00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:42,240
He'd just plugged in when he saw
Chloe's guinea pig in the garden.
78
00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:44,240
Cos it was a hot day,
he thought he'd give her
79
00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:46,840
a quick drink from the hose.
Oh, that's nice.
80
00:04:46,840 --> 00:04:49,520
He hadn't appreciated the power.
81
00:04:49,520 --> 00:04:51,800
Poor thing flew nearly 200 feet.
82
00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:53,560
And that wasn't the worst of it.
83
00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:56,480
You know Geoff Varley,
from the bowls club? Yeah.
84
00:04:56,480 --> 00:04:59,000
He was in his garden
having a barbecue.
85
00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:03,120
He barbecued the guinea pig?
Oh! No. Oh.
86
00:05:03,120 --> 00:05:08,560
He got hit by it. But something
that size, fired at that speed...
87
00:05:08,560 --> 00:05:13,120
It was like he'd been struck
by a mortar. Poor Neil was in bits.
88
00:05:13,120 --> 00:05:14,600
What about the guinea pig?
89
00:05:14,600 --> 00:05:17,080
Bluebell actually stayed
in one piece.
90
00:05:17,080 --> 00:05:19,600
Dead, though. Broken back.
91
00:05:21,280 --> 00:05:24,320
Still, nice you're enjoying it.
92
00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:30,600
Your foxes are very regular, aren't
they? They must eat a lot of fibre.
93
00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:34,840
Tell me about it! I must say,
it's nice to see you more cheerful.
94
00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:36,720
I did consider
being mortally offended,
95
00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:39,280
but then I figured you and Dad
have always done deranged things,
96
00:05:39,280 --> 00:05:41,880
so I may as well
get something out of it this time.
97
00:05:41,880 --> 00:05:44,800
Yeah. What, like the jet hoser?
Oh, yeah!
98
00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:48,120
I mean, you know, being able
to pay rent, feed our children,
99
00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:51,680
that's good, too, but a Karcher...
100
00:05:51,680 --> 00:05:54,520
..that's something me and Neha
could only have dreamed of before.
101
00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:56,040
"Neha and I."
102
00:05:58,280 --> 00:05:59,880
See, sometimes Mum knows best.
103
00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:04,000
There is one fly
in the ointment. Oh?
104
00:06:05,400 --> 00:06:06,880
We can't keep lying to her.
105
00:06:06,880 --> 00:06:10,480
No, but what other option
do we have?
106
00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:14,160
Well, you tell her the truth. Well,
no, we definitely can't do that.
107
00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:17,080
I have to. We're married!
She's a police officer!
108
00:06:17,080 --> 00:06:20,040
She's worked so hard
to get where she is,
109
00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:21,840
and you want to compromise that
110
00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:23,840
so that you can
feel better about yourself?
111
00:06:23,840 --> 00:06:27,280
Selfish, Harold.
Very, very, very, very selfish.
112
00:06:28,440 --> 00:06:30,960
What you need to do is go home,
give her a little cuddle
113
00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:33,640
and stop thinking about yourself
for a minute.
114
00:06:44,920 --> 00:06:46,360
MICHAEL PORTILLO TALKS ON TV
115
00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:47,560
MASSAGER HUMS
116
00:06:47,560 --> 00:06:50,720
Do you know, I never realised
how utterly dreadful television is
117
00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:54,320
without chocolate. You're just
withdrawing from the sugar.
118
00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:56,320
You'll come out the other side
much stronger.
119
00:06:56,320 --> 00:06:57,800
I don't want to
come out the other side
120
00:06:57,800 --> 00:07:00,120
if this is what my life's
going to be like,
121
00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:07,000
this shroud of colourless misery,
this world of despair,
122
00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:08,760
the insipid fog.
123
00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:11,520
It's been four hours.
124
00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:13,800
Please can I pop
to the petrol station?
125
00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:16,800
Well, of course you bloody can't!
What if you're seen?
126
00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:18,000
I'll wear a disguise.
127
00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:20,240
Oh, I'm not having
this argument again.
128
00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:22,160
You know the rules.
129
00:07:22,160 --> 00:07:25,960
Well, no, I don't, actually, because
you keep bloody changing them!
130
00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:30,680
Honestly, you run this house
like Guantanamo Bay.
131
00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:32,320
But with less humanity.
132
00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:38,440
Rumsfeld!
133
00:07:38,440 --> 00:07:41,800
William, don't turn it up!
134
00:07:38,440 --> 00:07:41,800
MASSAGER HUMS LOUDER
135
00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:43,880
Oh...
136
00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:46,960
Sorry, what is this? I just wanted
to do summat nice for your mum,
137
00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:49,600
you know, to thank her
for the money. Yeah, all right.
138
00:07:49,600 --> 00:07:50,920
Who did it?
139
00:07:50,920 --> 00:07:54,280
Lovely Martha in the market.
Doesn't she usually paint pets?
140
00:07:54,280 --> 00:07:57,640
Yeah, which is why this is
even more impressive.
141
00:07:57,640 --> 00:07:59,680
I mean, I only asked her to do it
last week.
142
00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:02,080
Imagine being able to paint
that quick.
143
00:08:02,080 --> 00:08:05,200
I think you can tell
she normally does animals. Why?
144
00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:07,960
We've got paws.
145
00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:09,560
And my mum looks like a spaniel.
146
00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:13,080
And she's given me whiskers.
147
00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:16,480
I think that's meant to be stubble.
148
00:08:19,480 --> 00:08:23,040
Come here. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I don't mean to upset you.
149
00:08:23,040 --> 00:08:25,880
It's just that it's a bit...
150
00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:28,000
Triggering? To see your dad again?
151
00:08:29,920 --> 00:08:31,600
Er, if you like.
152
00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:35,120
Sorry. Hopefully, your mum'll
like it more than you do.
153
00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:36,799
Oh, no, we shouldn't show it to her.
154
00:08:36,799 --> 00:08:39,360
But hers is being delivered
tomorrow.
155
00:08:39,360 --> 00:08:41,440
Sorry, you've bought
this painting twice?
156
00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:43,840
Yeah! Why, is that not a good idea?
157
00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:45,520
No.
158
00:08:45,520 --> 00:08:47,320
Oh.
159
00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:49,120
No, it's a phenomenal idea.
160
00:09:22,360 --> 00:09:23,760
JET WASHER HUMS
161
00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:34,960
What is this? I told you. I think
I'd remember if you'd told me
162
00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:37,800
you were hosting a charity
fundraising night in memory of Dad.
163
00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:41,840
Why? Because he's not dead! Oh,
you take everything so literally.
164
00:09:41,840 --> 00:09:45,160
OK, so your dad
might not be dead physically,
165
00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:48,240
but emotionally
he's been gone since the '90s.
166
00:09:48,240 --> 00:09:51,160
Getting people to donate money
under false pretences is unethical.
167
00:09:51,160 --> 00:09:54,840
Oh, don't give me that. You got over
your ethics pretty quickly
168
00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:57,240
when you realised
it got you a jet hoser!
169
00:09:58,720 --> 00:10:02,400
I'm just delighted the money's
going to go to some humans for once.
170
00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:07,000
I'm fed up with all these animal
shelters hoovering up the cash.
171
00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:10,520
"Ooh, our kittens have got wheels
instead of back legs! Ohhh!"
172
00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:13,680
Mum, this is bad juju. Why?
173
00:10:13,680 --> 00:10:17,080
We're raising money for charity.
If anything, that's good juju.
174
00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:20,480
Whatever juju is. What is juju?
Oh, I can't.
175
00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:22,720
SHE SIGHS
176
00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:23,960
Please come.
177
00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:28,000
It'll be really nice
to put on a united front, you know?
178
00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:31,720
Plus, the bereaved family,
you know, all together -
179
00:10:31,720 --> 00:10:35,320
that will grease a few wallets.
And we'll need that,
180
00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:38,400
because they're tight as
a gnat's fanny down that club.
181
00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:42,600
Why am I so...
182
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:45,400
..jowly?
She paints a lot of dogs.
183
00:10:52,680 --> 00:10:54,000
NEHA: I'll just be a sec.
184
00:10:57,400 --> 00:11:01,080
Harry, we're at code red. What are
you doing?! Neha's right there!
185
00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:03,080
Your mother's gone all Taliban.
186
00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:06,560
She's banned chocolate
and biscuits. Chocolate biscuits!
187
00:11:06,560 --> 00:11:08,320
She's making me eat flax seed.
188
00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:10,080
Do you know how they make flax seed?
No.
189
00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:13,120
Well, they hoover up all the dried
guff from under the sofa cushion,
190
00:11:13,120 --> 00:11:15,680
they stick it in a bag
and write "flax seed" on it!
191
00:11:15,680 --> 00:11:17,400
Now is not the time
for one of your flaps.
192
00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:20,120
This is not a flap! I feel like
I'm in Requiem For A Dream.
193
00:11:20,120 --> 00:11:22,720
I've got the shakes,
and it's not from the Parkinson's.
194
00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:26,040
Well, can't you order some online?
No, I tried, but Fritzl in there
195
00:11:26,040 --> 00:11:27,400
has got wise to it
and hidden the router.
196
00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:29,040
Hiding the router
won't make a difference, Dad.
197
00:11:29,040 --> 00:11:31,480
The internet is wireless.
Harry, Neha is right there.
198
00:11:31,480 --> 00:11:33,480
I haven't got time
for a computer lesson.
199
00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:35,040
Just get me some chocolate!
200
00:11:36,440 --> 00:11:38,800
And make sure it's Dairy Milk,
not Galaxy,
201
00:11:38,800 --> 00:11:41,680
which as far as I'm concerned
is made with sour cream and earwax,
202
00:11:41,680 --> 00:11:43,760
which I quite like,
but not in chocolate.
203
00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:48,200
Can you open the boot, please?
Yeah.
204
00:12:03,080 --> 00:12:04,880
I'll have to come
straight from work.
205
00:12:04,880 --> 00:12:08,440
Pigfish has been back at the pumps.
Oh, Gawd. Not a pretty sight.
206
00:12:08,440 --> 00:12:11,480
Well, don't commission a portrait
of it, then. Very good.
207
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:14,280
No phones on the forecourt!
208
00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:16,320
Look, I'll pick Mum up
and take her to the bowls club.
209
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:19,760
I will meet you there. Bye.
OK. Bye. Love you. Love you.
210
00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:25,160
I tell you this, it's a disgrace
what you let him get away with.
211
00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:28,120
He's gone right up to the hilt
on this one.
212
00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:31,320
Bloody hell!
213
00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:33,080
I'm surprised he can walk.
214
00:12:37,680 --> 00:12:40,440
QUIET FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS
215
00:12:40,440 --> 00:12:42,000
FLOORBOARD CREAKS
216
00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:46,080
Where are you going?
217
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:49,000
Nowhere.
218
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:50,360
What's in that bag?
219
00:12:51,880 --> 00:12:52,960
Nothing.
220
00:13:08,240 --> 00:13:09,320
Dad?
221
00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:12,920
Dad?
222
00:13:15,560 --> 00:13:17,040
Dad?
223
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:21,480
Awoo! Argh!
224
00:13:21,480 --> 00:13:22,640
HOLLOW THUD
225
00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:23,720
HEAVY THUD
226
00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:26,400
Oh, dear.
227
00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:29,360
H...Harry? William?
228
00:13:29,360 --> 00:13:31,360
Harry? William?
229
00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:33,640
Oh, dear. Harry?
230
00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:35,960
What have you done?!
Well, I jumped out on him.
231
00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:39,120
Why? Well, why not? Because
you've knocked him out, you idiot!
232
00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:43,360
I didn't mean to! I'm just so bored.
Oh, God!
233
00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:46,320
You're going to have to patch him
up, because I've got to get ready.
234
00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:48,760
How am I going to do that?
235
00:13:48,760 --> 00:13:51,320
Harry, Harry, come on.
Oh. Harry?
236
00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:55,480
Oh. I see now.
237
00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:08,920
I'm as shocked as you are. Oh, don't
even try it, you devious hound.
238
00:14:08,920 --> 00:14:11,040
Oh, dear.
239
00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:16,720
Harry? Harry? Do you know,
they say that the saddest thing
240
00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:21,640
about betrayal
is that it starts with trust...
241
00:14:21,640 --> 00:14:23,560
..and ends with betrayal...
242
00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:27,280
..of trust that that betrayal
is the trust of.
243
00:14:36,840 --> 00:14:38,400
It's your fault.
244
00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:45,280
Let's get that... Whoa, whoa, whoa,
what are you doing?
245
00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:49,440
Sorry, I haven't got any plasters,
so... I'll be OK, thank you.
246
00:14:49,440 --> 00:14:52,400
AUTOMATED VOICE: Intruder alert.
What's that?
247
00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:56,920
Now, that is a sensor I installed,
as I thought it'd be good to have
248
00:14:56,920 --> 00:14:59,520
some advanced warning
of any visitors.
249
00:14:59,520 --> 00:15:03,960
But I think I may have installed it
on a pigeon fly path or something,
250
00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:06,880
because it just keeps going off
when no-one's there. OK.
251
00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:09,080
That sounds normal.
252
00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:11,040
Look, I'm sorry
about the chocolate, Dad.
253
00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:15,080
I'd like to say it's OK, but let's
be honest, it's an effing disaster.
254
00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:17,160
Well, if you will let Mum
control your life...
255
00:15:17,160 --> 00:15:20,920
She doesn't control my life!
Apart from legally killing you,
256
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:23,600
making you live in the loft
and governing what you eat?
257
00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:25,880
The thing about marriage, Harry,
258
00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:29,960
is that there's only ever two people
who really know what's going on.
259
00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:33,320
Mm. You know what your grandmother
said to us on our wedding day?
260
00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:35,640
"Princess Diana was murdered and
it was Prince Philip what done it"?
261
00:15:35,640 --> 00:15:37,600
No, that came later. No, she said,
262
00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:41,000
"Don't try to be perfect,
just be honest."
263
00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:43,920
And I can honestly say that
every single day of our marriage,
264
00:15:43,920 --> 00:15:47,520
your mother and I have worked
very hard to not be perfect.
265
00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:51,680
We're honest to a fault.
Right, Tweedledee and Tweedletwat...
266
00:15:51,680 --> 00:15:54,520
See what I mean? Mm-hm. Have you
printed out my speech, William?
267
00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:57,800
Yeah. There it is.
Right. In a big font?
268
00:15:57,800 --> 00:16:01,760
The biggest. Jumbo sans. OK.
Wait, wait, wait. What speech?
269
00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:06,080
Oh, it's a little keynote. You know,
nothing special, tight ten.
270
00:16:07,880 --> 00:16:10,400
Come on, traitor,
we don't want to be late.
271
00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:22,120
Sorry we're late. How do you cope
with his driving? He's so timid!
272
00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:24,360
It's like getting a lift
on a milk float.
273
00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:27,080
To be fair, he is a bad driver, so
he's right to be nervous. You want
274
00:16:27,080 --> 00:16:29,480
to feel the steering wheel after
he's been on a dual carriageway.
275
00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:32,480
It's dripping with sweat.
Haven't you got that sorted yet?
276
00:16:32,480 --> 00:16:35,720
Do you remember I told you, you can
get your sweaty palms electrocuted?
277
00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:37,560
Because Billie did it
to her armpits.
278
00:16:37,560 --> 00:16:40,280
Lovely. Can we go inside, please?
Cos I don't... Yeah.
279
00:16:42,840 --> 00:16:47,200
Hey, is that dried blood in your
hair? Oh, he, um, clonked himself
280
00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:50,720
while he was clearing out some of
his dad's possessions. Didn't you?
281
00:16:50,720 --> 00:16:54,320
Mm, I did, did I?
Yes, you did. Yes.
282
00:16:54,320 --> 00:16:58,120
Oh, look! Awww!
283
00:16:58,120 --> 00:17:00,280
Mum, this isn't going to be
over the top, is it?
284
00:17:00,280 --> 00:17:04,560
Harold, it is a simple casino night
with a modest request
285
00:17:04,560 --> 00:17:08,599
for charitable donations
and a short multimedia presentation.
286
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:14,480
ELECTRONIC POP MUSIC PLAYS
287
00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:50,240
MUSIC STOPS
288
00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:51,880
COUGHING
289
00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:00,240
TAPPING ON PHONES
290
00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:12,280
I'm, er, going to get some air.
291
00:18:12,280 --> 00:18:13,560
Just going to...
292
00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:26,320
Harry? Harry! Wait! Wait.
Are you OK?
293
00:18:26,320 --> 00:18:31,200
I needed some air. Why? Is it
your head? Are you feeling sick?
294
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:34,080
I think I need a bit of time
to myself, so...
295
00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:36,160
Harry, you can't even
shut the toilet door
296
00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:38,320
cos you don't like being alone.
What is this about?
297
00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:42,360
I can't. I can't. I-I-I...
We're a team, remember? Yeah?
298
00:18:42,360 --> 00:18:44,480
I know. I know, but...
299
00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:47,360
Tummy to tummy.
300
00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:49,800
Cheek to cheek.
301
00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:54,480
So, then, can you really
not tell me?
302
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:57,680
No.
303
00:18:57,680 --> 00:19:02,360
But I can show you. Come on.
Wait. What about your mum?
304
00:19:02,360 --> 00:19:03,800
Oh, sod her. Get in!
305
00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:51,000
Well, that was very...um...
306
00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:55,120
SNORING
307
00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:59,520
..William. Yes, William.
William. Yeah, William.
308
00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:02,520
Debbie, do you want to...?
Yes! Yes, yes.
309
00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:05,920
Thank you very much.
Thank you. Thank you.
310
00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:11,200
Right, um, well,
er, where to start?
311
00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:14,880
Um, in the words of Bob Geldof,
312
00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:17,080
IRISH ACCENT: ..give me
your fuckin' money!
313
00:20:17,080 --> 00:20:19,360
DEBBIE LAUGHS
314
00:20:19,360 --> 00:20:22,400
I think that's what he said,
but more Irish than that.
315
00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:24,520
I can't...I can't do Irish.
316
00:20:24,520 --> 00:20:29,240
So, um, to be serious for a moment,
we're here to have a good time
317
00:20:29,240 --> 00:20:34,720
but we're also here to raise money
for a very important cause.
318
00:20:34,720 --> 00:20:40,720
As all of you know, my darling
William was a Parkinson's sufferer.
319
00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:46,080
And, er, boy, did we suffer,
endlessly hearing about it!
320
00:20:48,320 --> 00:20:51,240
SNORING CONTINUES
321
00:20:51,240 --> 00:20:54,920
No, no, it is, um...a cruel disease.
322
00:20:57,480 --> 00:21:01,120
I've written, um,
a proper speech, but, um...
323
00:21:01,120 --> 00:21:05,800
..it's in my jacket pocket.
Do you mind passing that to me?
324
00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:09,160
Cheers, Geoff. Lovely. Thank you.
325
00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:14,280
Right...
326
00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:14,280
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
327
00:21:24,360 --> 00:21:26,320
SNORING CONTINUES
328
00:21:37,480 --> 00:21:39,760
What's happening? I don't know.
329
00:21:39,760 --> 00:21:43,920
Sorry about that, I wasn't expecting
that font. It's, er...
330
00:21:45,320 --> 00:21:49,760
Er, William...was...
331
00:21:49,760 --> 00:21:51,720
Dead. Parkinson's.
332
00:21:51,720 --> 00:21:53,640
SHE MUMBLES
333
00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:56,800
Sorry, I actually feel like
I'm going to...
334
00:21:56,800 --> 00:21:58,080
..pass out.
335
00:21:58,080 --> 00:21:59,920
Oh, God!
336
00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:04,040
Call an ambulance. I've seen this
before. She's having a stroke.
337
00:22:04,040 --> 00:22:06,960
Step back, please.
Give me air, give me air!
338
00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:10,960
When we first met, I was up front
about my parents being mad, right?
339
00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:12,680
Where are you going with this?
Just tell me.
340
00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:14,840
You warned me about
their peculiarities, yes.
341
00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:15,880
And you still married me.
342
00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:17,720
You had all the data
and you still went through with it?
343
00:22:17,720 --> 00:22:19,280
I tick the Apple terms
and conditions, too.
344
00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:20,920
Don't mean I actually look at 'em.
345
00:22:20,920 --> 00:22:23,760
But, yes. I married you,
not your parents. Good,
346
00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:26,440
because I love you
and I may not be perfect...
347
00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:28,400
No. You're not perfect.
But I am honest.
348
00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:30,920
Oh, Harry, if this is about you
doing poppers in Year 6,
349
00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:33,040
I told you, I don't care.
No, no, no, it's not, it's not.
350
00:22:33,040 --> 00:22:34,160
It's about my dad.
351
00:22:36,240 --> 00:22:39,480
I don't know how to say this,
so I think I'm just going to say it.
352
00:22:39,480 --> 00:22:41,240
He's still alive.
353
00:22:41,240 --> 00:22:44,600
Oh, love. I did have an inkling.
354
00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:48,160
We see it a lot at work. Really?
I didn't think it'd be that common.
355
00:22:48,160 --> 00:22:51,280
Oh, yeah, people get
delayed concussion all the time.
356
00:22:51,280 --> 00:22:53,800
I mean, it can sometimes
come on hours or even days or...
357
00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:56,560
No. No, no, no, I'm not concussed.
Well, you are.
358
00:22:56,560 --> 00:22:58,760
But that's why
you're being extra weird.
359
00:22:58,760 --> 00:23:00,760
And in some ways, you're right.
360
00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:02,840
Your dad in't dead.
361
00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:04,400
Not in here.
362
00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:05,760
No, he in't dead.
363
00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:10,200
And he's in there.
He's in the loft. Come on!
364
00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:11,960
Your parents have a loft?
365
00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:21,280
That's funny, it's not normally...
Dad? Dad?!
366
00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:25,280
Open up. It's me.
It's Harry, your son!
367
00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:27,520
Maybe he's listening to something.
He has been talking about these
368
00:23:27,520 --> 00:23:29,440
noise-cancelling headphones
recently. No.
369
00:23:29,440 --> 00:23:31,280
He must be here, though,
he can't leave the house.
370
00:23:31,280 --> 00:23:32,440
And he'll know we're here,
371
00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:34,120
because he's got
this little motion system thing
372
00:23:34,120 --> 00:23:36,040
that tells him when
people are coming down the drive,
373
00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:38,320
although he might have thought
we're just pigeons.
374
00:23:38,320 --> 00:23:39,680
Pigeons? Unless...
375
00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:46,880
Him and my mum have been doing
this thing recently where they wear
376
00:23:46,880 --> 00:23:50,200
this, like, wolf hat and they
creep up on me unexpectedly.
377
00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:53,080
They just jump out. All right.
378
00:23:54,880 --> 00:23:57,680
Harry, I love you, OK?
And you are going to be fine.
379
00:23:57,680 --> 00:23:59,880
But right now, we need to
face the fact that you are having
380
00:23:59,880 --> 00:24:02,240
a not insignificant psychotic
episode. Right, no, I'm not.
381
00:24:02,240 --> 00:24:05,560
I'm not. OK? No, I'm not. Yeah.
So if you just keep breathing,
382
00:24:05,560 --> 00:24:07,560
and if you want to hold my hand,
that's also fine.
383
00:24:07,560 --> 00:24:08,960
Yeah. You can squeeze it tight.
384
00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:12,120
Oh! That is...very sweaty.
385
00:24:12,120 --> 00:24:14,440
All right, I'm going to call
the baby-sitter... No!
386
00:24:14,440 --> 00:24:16,480
..take you to A&E
and get you checked out A&E? No!
387
00:24:16,480 --> 00:24:18,400
PHONE RINGS
388
00:24:16,480 --> 00:24:18,400
I'm not making this...
389
00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:24,440
No caller ID.
It could be one of those scambots.
390
00:24:24,440 --> 00:24:26,720
I'm not sure that's
our biggest problem right now.
391
00:24:26,720 --> 00:24:29,320
Yeah, you're right.
It might be my dad.
392
00:24:29,320 --> 00:24:31,080
Hello?
393
00:24:31,080 --> 00:24:32,960
Oh, hi, Billie.
394
00:24:35,200 --> 00:24:37,760
What? Oh, my God!
395
00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:40,560
Yeah, of course.
We'll, er...we'll come now.
396
00:24:40,560 --> 00:24:44,080
What's happened? It's my mum. She...
They think she's had a stroke.
397
00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:54,280
What's going on?
They think it's severe dehydration.
398
00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:56,200
Oh, thank God. So not a stroke?
399
00:24:56,200 --> 00:25:00,440
No, I think it all just got too much
for her, you know, with the emotion.
400
00:25:00,440 --> 00:25:02,960
Your poor mum.
She puts on a brave face,
401
00:25:02,960 --> 00:25:06,320
but she's obviously
grieving very intensely.
402
00:25:06,320 --> 00:25:10,440
Can you take me home, please?
Get in the back, Harold.
403
00:25:10,440 --> 00:25:13,600
Are you...? Are you serious?
I've just had a stroke!
404
00:25:17,880 --> 00:25:19,480
Thank you.
405
00:25:20,440 --> 00:25:23,760
Thank you. Thank you.
406
00:25:23,760 --> 00:25:26,880
Just drive, will you?!
Seat belt. Oh, God!
407
00:25:26,880 --> 00:25:27,960
Oh, God!
408
00:25:35,400 --> 00:25:38,200
Mum, just so you know,
I've told Neha about Dad.
409
00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:41,240
Yeah. So I know you didn't want me
to, but I've done it anyway.
410
00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:45,120
Mum?
411
00:25:45,120 --> 00:25:48,400
Mum! Oh, Harry, just leave it.
No, she needs to tell you the truth.
412
00:25:48,400 --> 00:25:50,360
I'm sorry, I should have
just got him checked out
413
00:25:50,360 --> 00:25:52,120
by the paramedics back there. Yeah.
414
00:25:52,120 --> 00:25:54,080
Excuse me, don't talk about me
like I'm a child.
415
00:25:54,080 --> 00:25:56,920
Well, don't behave like one, then!
416
00:25:56,920 --> 00:26:00,440
It's been a long day.
I just need some rest.
417
00:26:00,440 --> 00:26:02,560
But for what it's worth, I am sorry.
418
00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:05,600
You are? Yes. I should have got you
to the hospital earlier,
419
00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:09,080
cos you're clearly concussed.
This is bad juju, Mum.
420
00:26:09,080 --> 00:26:12,240
It's really, really bad.
You're like a gatling gun of lies.
421
00:26:12,240 --> 00:26:19,040
I am not lying, Harold. Look,
I am sorry that your dad has died,
422
00:26:19,040 --> 00:26:21,440
but we all have to
come to terms with it.
423
00:26:21,440 --> 00:26:24,360
Going on and on at me
isn't going to change that.
424
00:26:24,360 --> 00:26:28,600
Now, obviously, you have suffered
a traumatic head injury,
425
00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:32,080
but just being rude to me is not
going to bring your father back.
426
00:26:33,440 --> 00:26:34,520
CAR DOOR OPENS
427
00:26:34,520 --> 00:26:37,280
WILLIAM: Oh, my dear me.
428
00:26:37,280 --> 00:26:39,320
Ooh, there we go. Ah.
429
00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:45,640
Evening, all. Just, er... God,
it's a bit of a squeeze, isn't it?
430
00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:48,240
WRAPPER RUSTLES
431
00:26:48,240 --> 00:26:51,960
Anyone want a chunk? Fruit & Nut.
432
00:26:51,960 --> 00:26:53,800
What are you doing?
433
00:26:53,800 --> 00:26:55,760
Just popped to the petrol station.
434
00:26:57,960 --> 00:26:59,960
You have told her, right?
435
00:26:59,960 --> 00:27:03,560
SHE SIGHS
436
00:26:59,960 --> 00:27:03,560
You MASSIVE twat.
58795
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