Original subtitles

Would you like the last sausage?

Oh, how about we split it?

Okay.

Meet you in the middle.

Oh.

Okay.

Sexy.

CHARLIE: Aw.

Nothing says love like a little morning pork.

Oh, hey.

You're home early.

How was Vegas?

(sighs)

Never again.

Oh, you lost?

No, Alan.

I won so much freaking money that I'm embarrassed to go back.

All right... well, uh,

you remember Melissa?

Of course he remembers me, Alan.

He deflowered me, then dumped me.

No offense, sweetheart, but your flower

had been plucked and potted long before I met you.

Okay, okay, look.

Look, we're all adults here.

This doesn't have to be awkward, you know.

I mean, sure... Melissa is my receptionist,

and sure, she was with you,

and sure, that ended badly, but, uh ...

Okay, I guess this does have to be awkward.

Honey, shouldn't we be getting ready for work?

Yes, yes, let's do that.

You want to shower together? Oh, great, great.

Uh, let me just, uh, start without you.

There's a couple of things I'd like to prewash.

There's a mental image I didn't need.

Charlie, I need to talk to you.

I'm sorry I was a jerk.

I'm happy for you and Alan,

and I will kick myself for the rest of my life

for losing someone as special as you.

No, silly, it's about something else.

Oh, good, 'cause evenI didn't believe that.

Alan's birthday is next Saturday.

Really?

I don't think so.

Yeppers. He's gonna be 40.

Wow, that is so weird.

My baby brother's gonna be 40.

How old are you?

39.

That's what makes it so weird.

Anyway, I think we should have a party for him.

Why?

Because it's an important birthday,

and he deserves a big party

with all his friends and loved ones.

All right... all right, let's break this down.

You want him to get what he deserves.

You want it to be with his friends and loved ones,

and you want it to be big.

Uh-huh. Pick one.

Come on, Charlie. Don't be such a pooper.

If it's gonna be a fun party, I need your help.

You want it to be fun?

Don't invite Alan.

Charlie... Okay.

Okay, you know who would love to help you out with this?

Our mom.

Really? Oh, yeah.

Nothing she likes better

than extending herself for other people.

Good idea.

I'll give her a call.

You do that.

Wait till she hears Alan's 40.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men.

Charlie.

Wake up. I need to talk to you.

CHARLIE: Don't move.

Don't blink.

Maybe she'll think you're dead and leave.

I know you can hear me, Charlie.

She's bluffing.

Just stay still.

(nasally): Okay, don't panic.

You've experienced oxygen deprivation before.

I can't breathe, Mom.

Oh, good, you're awake.

What can I do for you?

I received a very unsettling message on my answering machine,

and I would like you to explain it to me.

Okay, look.

Sometimes the liquor makes me say hateful things.

No, this message was from some woman named Melissa.

Alan's receptionist.

Really?

From the sound of her voice, I'd guess she earns her living

baking cookies in a hollow tree.

Anyway, she's somehow gotten it into her head

that Alan is turning 40 on Saturday.

Yeah, so?

Is she insane?

Running around telling people my son is 40?

I know.

She's a bad person.

That's not all.

She wants me to help with a party.

Where in God's name

could she have gotten such an idea?

Beats me.

Maybe the fact that you're his mother

confused the poor girl.

(toilet flushing)

Oh, you're up.

You've been cleaning in there this whole time?

Sure, let's say I was cleaning.

Hey, Uncle Charlie, if you're going out today,

can I pull your car out of the garage?

No, I don't want you pulling my car out of the garage.

Okay, I won't.

From now on.

Hey, what's, uh... what's going on up here?

Oh, terrific.

This meeting of the worst club in the history of the world

can now come to order.

Madam President, you have the floor.

Oh, I get it.

Sorry to interrupt.

Go back to what you were planning...

uh, uh doing, uh, whatever.

(chuckling)

Oh, uh, apropos of nothing,

uh, I like red velvet cake and close-up magic.

Oh, crap.

Now we have to throw him a party.

Who?

Your father.

Why?

It's his birthday.

Oh.

Can I bring a date?

You got a date?

That depends.

On what?

Can I borrow your car?

You don't got a date.

* Men.

You know, we don't have to go out to dinner

just 'cause it's my birthday.

Don't be silly.

This is a very special night.

How many times do you turn 40?

In my family, three or four.

Well, the first time is the one that counts.

Okay.

So... so, it's just us, right?

Of course, it's just us.

Who else would it be?

I don't know.

My friends, family.

A close-up magician.

Oh, darn, what gave it away?

Well, when I left the house, Jake was taking a shower,

uh, Charlie had on long pants,

and Berta said she had to quit early

because she was going to some loser's birthday party.

Oh, good, I had her down as a "maybe."

Promise you'll act surprised.

* Men.

ALAN: Oh!

Oh, my God, what a surprise!

I don't know these people.

We have a private room.

Sorry.

(chuckling)

We got a private room.

Go back to your dinner.

Ooh, gazpacho.

This is so nice.

(loudly): A private, intimate dinner for just the two of us.

Oh, my God, you guys!

There's nobody here.

I don't understand it.

I told them to be here an hour ago.

Yeah, well, what are you gonna do?

My family are a bunch of thoughtless,

selfish butt-wipes.

Surprise.

* Men.

MELISSA: Evelyn, smile.

That's a keeper.

Listen, darling, are you going to be cutting the cake soon?

Because, actually, I have a real party to go to.

You can't go.

We haven't even done the speeches yet.

Oh, of course.

Were we supposed to write speeches?

For what?

For Alan.

Let him write his own speech.

(glass clinking)

Uh, can I have your attention, please?

I want to thank you all for coming

to celebrate this wonderful occasion.

I thought it was Alan's birthday.

And now it's time to say a few words

about the guest of honor.

I can think of a few words.

(chuckling)

Not only is he a terrific doctor

and fantastic boss,

he is also good and kind and smart

and funny... and...

a really swell kisser.

I can still hear you.

WOMAN: Sorry I'm late.

I was burning a fatty

with one of the busboys in the parking lot.

How are you?

Everyone, this is my mother, Shelly.

Mom, this is Alan's mother, Evelyn, and...

Sweetie, save your breath, because I'm way too toasted

to remember a lot of names.

(giggling)

Ooh, bread.

All right, well, uh, now that we're all here,

why don't we take turns saying something

about Alan and how much he means to us.

Okay, Jake, you want to start?

No, I got to go make room for cake.

Uh, Berta, why don't you get the ball rolling?

Sure.

What the hell?

Zippy, I got to tell you,

when you first moved in, I didn't really care for you.

(chuckling)

You were a persnickety,

self-righteous, smug son of a bitch.

And now

here we are, six years later.

Thank you.

Hear, hear.

Oh, okay.

Anyone else? SHELLY: Okay.

I'll go.

I have pictures of myself

dressed in a forest ranger uniform,

and I have absolutely no memory

of ever working as a forest ranger.

Thank you.

All righty.

Uh, who's next?

Evelyn?

Me?

Isn't it enough I carried him

for seven and a half months?

You'd be surprised how many women

opt for the full nine.

Come on, Evelyn, you have to say something.

Oh, fine.

Alan, darling.

You were always the good son.

Of course, your brother didn't set the bar very high.

Hear, hear. Wait a minute.

Charlie, do you want to say anything?

Uh, all right.

(clears throat)

Alan, you're my little brother.

And I know over the years

I've tormented you.

I've embarrassed you in public.

I've tied you to streetlights, car bumpers,

the occasional angry animal...

Oh, remember that Fourth of July when I used your ass

as a launch pad for my bottle rockets?

(chuckles)

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is...

thanks for the memories.

That's it?

That's all you have to say?

I suppose I could talk about his bed-wetting.

You people are horrible.

No. Honey, it's okay.

No-no-no-no, it's not okay.

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

This is a warm and wonderful human being

and he deserves more, especially from his family.

I don't even know why you guys showed up tonight.

Well, I can't speak for anybody else,

but I'm getting overtime.

Come on, Alan. We're leaving.

Really? Before the cake?

You don't need people who don't appreciate you.

Uh, well, no, but I do kind of need Charlie's house.

No, you don't.

You'll come live with me and Mom. Right, Mom?

You know, I did spend a summer in Yosemite doing shrooms,

so maybe I wasn't an official forest ranger.

Let's go.

Mom, we're leaving.

Okay.

I'm sorry. This is the best bread I ever had.

Who likes magic?

I shaved for this?

* Men. *

Berta?

Who's asking?

What's wrong?

Too much celebrating last night.

I didn't notice you drinking at Alan's party.

No, afterward.

With the magician at his place.

You went back to his place?

Well, technically, his van.

Well, why didn't you just stay home?

If I stay home, you don't pay me.

So you just came in to lie on my couch?

Tough times, Charlie.

Some people are living in their vans.

(phone ringing)

Oh, make it stop!

Hello?

Hi, Mom.

Alan? Nah, he didn't come home.

You're right.

We were funny.

He just overreacted.

I'm sure he'll come back eventually.

He always does.

You should've named him "Herpes."

Yeah, I wish I'd thought of it last night, too.

Talk to you later.

So what are we going to do today?

Aren't you going to ask about your dad?

What about him?

Were we not at the same party last night?

Did you not notice

when you finally came out of the toilet

that your father was gone?

You know, now that you mention it...

Herpes, Jr.

Oh.

Look who's back.

I'm not back.

I just came to get my stuff.

You're really going to milk this thing, huh?

I'm not milking anything, Charlie.

There is no milk.

I'm moving in with Melissa and her mother.

Sounds like milk to me.

I need to be someplace where I'm appreciated,

someplace where I'm nurtured and loved.

(mooing)

You're not taking me seriously, are you?

Oh, come on, Alan.

You ain't going anywhere.

You know it. I know it.

The seagulls out there crapping on my deck know it.

"You think he'll be back?"

"Oh, yeah."

No, no. This is it.

This is where I cut the cord!

Oh, man.

I think David Copperfield slipped me a roofie.

* Men. *

I really appreciate you taking me in like this.

Yeah, we love you, Alan.

We want you here.

You're a good man, and you have a beautiful soul.

It is beautiful, isn't it?

God forbid my family should notice.

Oh, damn, I knew I'd forget something!

What'd you forget? My son.

Well, that's no problem.

We'll just move Mom's hydroponic equipment

out of the garage and make a bedroom for him.

"Hydroponic equipment"?

I'm a bit of a horticulturist.

A little herb garden.

Ah, okay.

Well, uh, uh, just a heads-up,

I love my son and everything,

but he hasn't quite gotten to "beautiful soul" yet.

He's more "methane cloud."

He's still one of God's flowers.

All he needs is a little love, ultraviolet light, potassium

and he'll grow into some righteous chronic.

* Men. *

(snoring lightly)

Quitting time.

(TV playing music)

What are you doing here?

I'm watching TV.

Why didn't you go with your dad?

Dad was here?

Yeah, he came by to get his stuff

and I figured that included you.

I'm not stuff, Uncle Charlie.

I'm a human being.

Don't flatter yourself.

And turn off the TV.

I'm taking you back to your mom's.

Mom and Herb are in Mexico.

For how long?

I don't know.

Turn off the TV.

I'm taking you to Mexico.

Can I drive?

* Men. *

You all comfy, cozy?

Uh-huh.

Mom made you some hot chocolate.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, and it's got those little marshmallows.

I love those.

Good. I'm going to the market.

What would you like for dinner?

Oh, gosh, I don't know.

What do you want?

I want to please you.

Really?

No one's ever said that to me before.

Get used to it.

(sobs)

I'll try.

Now, what can I get you?

Um, well... you know the macaroni

that's shaped like the little wagon wheels?

I do.

I like that with melted cheese.

You got it.

Oh, and maybe a couple of those bottled wine spritzers?

Okeydoke.

(door closes)

* I'm getting mac and spritzers *

* I'm getting mac and spritzers. *

Here you go, bright eyes.

I made you some banana bread.

Aw, really? Mm-hmm.

Banana bread? Oh, thank you.

Wow, it's still warm.

Mmm, right out of the oven.

Mmm. Oh, that's, uh, that's very unusual.

Uh, I'm tasting bananas and, uh, what is that, nutmeg?

Nope.

Mmm, that's good.

You know what? You might want to just start

with half a piece.

I can't believe it.

Believe what?

I think I miss him.

Miss who?

Your father. Oh.

What about you?

What about me what?

Do you miss him?

Who?

Your father.

Why? Where is he?

* Men. *

Honey, they didn't have any spritzers, so I got you

7Up and sangria.

* Nights in white satin

* Never reaching the end

* Letters I've written...

Alan?!

Oh, hey, baby.

Have you tried your mom's banana bread?

* Men. *

I'm back.

I'm shocked.

Hey, Alan?

Yeah?

Happy birthday.

Thank you.

I told you he'd be back.

Who?