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1
00:00:00,701 --> 00:00:01,702
* Men. *
2
00:00:01,769 --> 00:00:06,006
Let's see, sperm meets egg here.
3
00:00:06,074 --> 00:00:09,043
30 days has September,
4
00:00:09,110 --> 00:00:11,312
all the rest have 31,
5
00:00:11,379 --> 00:00:14,148
except for Judith,
who has 28.
6
00:00:14,215 --> 00:00:16,350
CHARLIE:
Hey, Alan.
7
00:00:16,417 --> 00:00:17,985
Meet Don.
8
00:00:18,052 --> 00:00:19,353
Hello, Don.
9
00:00:19,420 --> 00:00:21,089
Hello, Alan.
10
00:00:22,056 --> 00:00:23,657
Don drove me home
11
00:00:23,724 --> 00:00:24,992
and I don't have any money.
12
00:00:25,059 --> 00:00:27,528
Okay, uh, is Don a cabbie?
13
00:00:27,595 --> 00:00:29,029
No, no.
14
00:00:29,097 --> 00:00:33,167
Don is a close,
personal friend.
15
00:00:33,234 --> 00:00:34,535
Don is a cabbie.
16
00:00:34,602 --> 00:00:37,938
He has enough friends,
and he wants his $80.
17
00:00:38,005 --> 00:00:39,039
What happened to your money?
18
00:00:39,107 --> 00:00:40,574
Good question.
19
00:00:40,641 --> 00:00:44,044
You know how easy
Texas Hold 'Em looks on TV
20
00:00:44,112 --> 00:00:46,547
when you can see
the other guys' hole cards?
21
00:00:46,614 --> 00:00:47,348
Yeah.
22
00:00:47,415 --> 00:00:49,383
Very different in real life.
23
00:00:52,220 --> 00:00:55,423
Uh, 20, 40, 60,
24
00:00:55,489 --> 00:00:57,391
80.
25
00:00:57,458 --> 00:00:59,059
No tip?
26
00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:01,695
Hold on.
27
00:01:02,963 --> 00:01:06,634
Let's see,
five dollars...
28
00:01:06,700 --> 00:01:08,202
Keep your money, Mr. Trump.
29
00:01:08,269 --> 00:01:10,771
You need it more than I do.
30
00:01:10,838 --> 00:01:13,841
Are we still on for lunch?
31
00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:18,812
(Don speaking Hindi)
32
00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:22,983
I think you offended Don.
33
00:01:23,050 --> 00:01:24,285
He'll get over it.
34
00:01:24,352 --> 00:01:25,719
Where's your car?
35
00:01:25,786 --> 00:01:27,421
Don't change the subject.
36
00:01:27,488 --> 00:01:29,590
(slurring):
You owe Don an apology.
37
00:01:31,125 --> 00:01:32,560
Oh, hey, a calendar.
38
00:01:32,626 --> 00:01:33,627
Yeah.
39
00:01:33,694 --> 00:01:37,931
What's "JMC" stand for?
40
00:01:37,998 --> 00:01:38,966
Nothing.
41
00:01:39,032 --> 00:01:39,900
Oh, come on.
42
00:01:39,967 --> 00:01:42,836
John Mellencamp Cougar?
43
00:01:42,903 --> 00:01:44,272
No.
44
00:01:44,338 --> 00:01:46,907
Jumping Methodist...
45
00:01:46,974 --> 00:01:48,108
(slurring):
cougar?
46
00:01:48,176 --> 00:01:50,077
No.
47
00:01:50,144 --> 00:01:52,112
Then I give up.
48
00:01:52,180 --> 00:01:53,647
Well, if you must know,
49
00:01:53,714 --> 00:01:56,150
it stands for
"Judith's menstrual cycle."
50
00:02:00,053 --> 00:02:01,989
Get out.
51
00:02:02,055 --> 00:02:03,457
No, look.
52
00:02:03,524 --> 00:02:06,126
This is when Judith
and Herb broke up.
53
00:02:06,194 --> 00:02:08,962
And this is the day
that I had sex with her.
54
00:02:09,029 --> 00:02:10,864
Dude...
55
00:02:10,931 --> 00:02:12,633
you need a better hobby.
56
00:02:13,767 --> 00:02:17,538
Judith is now
five months pregnant.
57
00:02:17,605 --> 00:02:19,273
Oh, yeah, right.
58
00:02:19,340 --> 00:02:21,209
She's probably
in that sweet spot
59
00:02:21,275 --> 00:02:22,943
where her boobs
are big and cushy
60
00:02:23,010 --> 00:02:25,313
but her ass is still normal.
61
00:02:25,379 --> 00:02:26,714
Charlie, it is almost certain
62
00:02:26,780 --> 00:02:29,883
that I am the father
of Judith's baby.
63
00:02:29,950 --> 00:02:32,320
Are you still grinding on this?
64
00:02:32,386 --> 00:02:33,421
What if it's a girl?
65
00:02:33,487 --> 00:02:35,022
I always wanted a daughter.
66
00:02:35,088 --> 00:02:38,726
I finally get one and some
other guy gets to be her dad.
67
00:02:38,792 --> 00:02:40,294
I feel like the universe
68
00:02:40,361 --> 00:02:42,763
is playing some horrible
practical joke on me.
69
00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:44,097
Wow.
70
00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:48,035
I lost $8,000 playing poker.
71
00:02:48,101 --> 00:02:50,003
I have no idea where my car is,
72
00:02:50,070 --> 00:02:52,473
threw up in my mouth
three times,
73
00:02:52,540 --> 00:02:56,477
and I'm still having
a better night than you are.
74
00:02:58,078 --> 00:02:59,747
I don't expect you
to understand.
75
00:02:59,813 --> 00:03:01,749
You don't know the joy
of being a parent.
76
00:03:01,815 --> 00:03:04,652
Of watching a part of you
grow and develop,
77
00:03:04,718 --> 00:03:07,388
blooming into a fully
formed human being.
78
00:03:07,455 --> 00:03:09,957
(gagging, coughing)
79
00:03:20,801 --> 00:03:22,836
Four times.
80
00:03:22,903 --> 00:03:25,473
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
81
00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:29,243
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
82
00:03:30,611 --> 00:03:31,679
* Men. *
83
00:03:31,745 --> 00:03:33,481
Hi.
Hi.
84
00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:35,683
Jake, your father's here.
85
00:03:35,749 --> 00:03:37,751
So, how you doing?
86
00:03:37,818 --> 00:03:38,552
Good.
87
00:03:38,619 --> 00:03:39,853
Over the morning sickness?
88
00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:41,154
Yes, Alan.
89
00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:42,623
Uh, by my calculations
90
00:03:42,690 --> 00:03:45,626
probably about a week,
ten days ago?
91
00:03:45,693 --> 00:03:46,927
That sounds right.
92
00:03:46,994 --> 00:03:48,262
Good, good.
93
00:03:48,329 --> 00:03:49,663
You have a nice break
till the, uh, till
94
00:03:49,730 --> 00:03:51,632
the old hemorrhoids
come a-callin'.
95
00:03:51,699 --> 00:03:53,501
Jake!
96
00:03:55,102 --> 00:03:58,839
Judith, are we gonna talk
about the elephant in the room?
97
00:03:58,906 --> 00:04:00,007
What elephant?
98
00:04:00,073 --> 00:04:02,910
Come on, you, me, the baby?
99
00:04:02,976 --> 00:04:04,612
I mean, we did have
unprotected sex...
100
00:04:04,678 --> 00:04:06,880
You shut your mouth.
We did not.
101
00:04:06,947 --> 00:04:08,682
Yes, we did.
Read my lips.
102
00:04:08,749 --> 00:04:10,884
We did not have sex.
103
00:04:10,951 --> 00:04:12,753
Oh, hey, Alan.
How goes it?
104
00:04:12,820 --> 00:04:13,787
Oh, uh, fine, Herb.
105
00:04:13,854 --> 00:04:14,755
Uh, how you doing?
106
00:04:14,822 --> 00:04:16,023
Proud as a peacock.
107
00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:17,691
Honey, did you
show him the sonogram?
108
00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:18,492
No.
109
00:04:18,559 --> 00:04:19,860
Oh, you should
see her, Alan.
110
00:04:19,927 --> 00:04:21,495
Her? So, it is a girl?
111
00:04:21,562 --> 00:04:23,664
Yep, one fresh-faced
little fetus
112
00:04:23,731 --> 00:04:25,566
sans wee-wee.
113
00:04:25,633 --> 00:04:29,202
I always wanted a sans wee-wee.
114
00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:30,571
Well, you can't have mine.
115
00:04:30,638 --> 00:04:32,773
(laughing):
No, no, of course not.
116
00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:34,542
Hey, wanna see how we're
decorating the nursery?
117
00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:36,176
He doesn't wanna see
the nursery, Herb.
118
00:04:36,243 --> 00:04:37,277
Sure I would.
You going with mermaids?
119
00:04:37,345 --> 00:04:38,512
Little girls love mermaids.
120
00:04:38,579 --> 00:04:41,014
Actually, I was thinking
little ponies.
121
00:04:41,081 --> 00:04:42,816
Little ponies?
Yeah, why?
122
00:04:42,883 --> 00:04:44,151
Oh, gosh...
123
00:04:44,217 --> 00:04:47,355
Little ponies
have little penises.
124
00:04:47,421 --> 00:04:49,990
Really? I didn't notice
that on the stencils.
125
00:04:50,057 --> 00:04:50,824
Let's go take a look.
126
00:04:50,891 --> 00:04:52,059
I'm ready.
127
00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:53,561
Oh, uh,
I'll be right back.
128
00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:54,728
I'm just going to go
see the baby's room.
129
00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:57,197
He never wants to see my room.
130
00:04:57,264 --> 00:04:58,999
That's because your room
is a pig sty.
131
00:04:59,066 --> 00:05:01,702
I didn't ask for a reason.
132
00:05:03,871 --> 00:05:05,739
* Men.
133
00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:10,478
Alan, buddy,
134
00:05:10,544 --> 00:05:12,446
I'm getting a little concerned
about your drinking.
135
00:05:12,513 --> 00:05:13,981
I don't have a problem.
136
00:05:14,047 --> 00:05:15,449
Well, I do.
137
00:05:15,516 --> 00:05:18,085
You're swillin' my good stuff.
138
00:05:19,286 --> 00:05:21,355
Here.
139
00:05:21,422 --> 00:05:23,924
Have some Old Wal-Mart.
140
00:05:25,025 --> 00:05:26,660
Thank you.
141
00:05:26,727 --> 00:05:28,529
What's this?
142
00:05:28,596 --> 00:05:31,399
Ugh, a diary I kept
during Judith's pregnancy.
143
00:05:31,465 --> 00:05:32,833
Jennifer, Jocelyn,
144
00:05:32,900 --> 00:05:34,468
Jasmine, Jolene?
145
00:05:34,535 --> 00:05:36,504
Some of the names
that we picked out
146
00:05:36,570 --> 00:05:38,472
in case Jake had been a girl.
147
00:05:38,539 --> 00:05:41,475
Oh, man, can you imagine him
as a chick?
148
00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:43,877
Woof!
149
00:05:45,513 --> 00:05:48,048
Yeah, well, that's not
how it turned out.
150
00:05:48,115 --> 00:05:49,417
Think about it though.
151
00:05:49,483 --> 00:05:51,385
Every weekend, me, you
152
00:05:51,452 --> 00:05:53,521
and a big ugly girl
with a bad haircut.
153
00:05:53,587 --> 00:05:55,556
I'm gonna have a daughter,
Charlie.
154
00:05:55,623 --> 00:05:58,291
Okay, okay, first of all,
155
00:05:58,358 --> 00:05:59,960
you don't know it's your kid.
156
00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:02,930
All we know is that when
Judith and Herb broke up
157
00:06:02,996 --> 00:06:04,598
you nailed Judith.
158
00:06:04,665 --> 00:06:06,600
Then when they reconciled,
Herb nailed Judith.
159
00:06:06,667 --> 00:06:08,235
So, the only thing
we know for sure
160
00:06:08,301 --> 00:06:10,237
is that despite
all outward appearances,
161
00:06:10,303 --> 00:06:12,239
Judith is a slut.
162
00:06:12,305 --> 00:06:14,341
Hey, I'm aware that technically
163
00:06:14,408 --> 00:06:15,976
either one of us
could be the father,
164
00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:17,344
but I know in my gut
165
00:06:17,411 --> 00:06:19,547
that this is my
sweet bastard child.
166
00:06:19,613 --> 00:06:21,181
You don't know squat.
167
00:06:21,248 --> 00:06:23,484
And you wanna talk
technically?
168
00:06:23,551 --> 00:06:24,985
Technically,
169
00:06:25,052 --> 00:06:27,988
maybe neither one of you
is the father.
170
00:06:28,055 --> 00:06:29,022
Oh, dear God, Charlie.
171
00:06:29,089 --> 00:06:30,290
What have you done?
172
00:06:30,357 --> 00:06:32,225
Not me, you fool.
173
00:06:32,292 --> 00:06:34,361
Although if I had known
she was that easy, may...
174
00:06:34,428 --> 00:06:35,763
Stop!
175
00:06:35,829 --> 00:06:38,599
All I'm saying is
there could very well be
176
00:06:38,666 --> 00:06:40,534
some guy in her driveway
with a leaf blower
177
00:06:40,601 --> 00:06:42,670
pining away for "baby Juanita."
178
00:06:42,736 --> 00:06:44,572
That's just ridiculous.
179
00:06:44,638 --> 00:06:46,540
Judith won't even
eat Mexican food.
180
00:06:46,607 --> 00:06:50,010
Look, even if you're right,
181
00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:51,411
doing anything about it,
182
00:06:51,479 --> 00:06:52,379
it's just gonna destroy
a marriage.
183
00:06:52,446 --> 00:06:54,114
I know, I know.
184
00:06:54,181 --> 00:06:56,550
It's just... it's so hard
to ignore my paternal instincts.
185
00:06:56,617 --> 00:06:59,453
Sure, I see those instincts
with Jake
186
00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:00,488
and I admire them.
187
00:07:00,554 --> 00:07:01,989
If I was his dad,
188
00:07:02,055 --> 00:07:03,557
I would've dropped him off
at an orphanage
189
00:07:03,624 --> 00:07:05,693
with 20 bucks
and a bag of doughnuts.
190
00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:06,894
No, you wouldn't.
191
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:08,729
He was adorable
when he was a baby.
192
00:07:08,796 --> 00:07:09,863
Baby?
193
00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:12,600
I'm talking about last week.
194
00:07:14,568 --> 00:07:15,769
I walked into his room.
195
00:07:15,836 --> 00:07:17,871
He was trying to bite
his toenails.
196
00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:19,707
Let's be honest.
197
00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:22,342
That's monkey behavior.
198
00:07:22,409 --> 00:07:24,411
My son is not a monkey.
199
00:07:24,478 --> 00:07:27,414
My point here is,
forget the baby.
200
00:07:27,481 --> 00:07:28,916
You've already got
a kid to raise.
201
00:07:28,982 --> 00:07:30,183
Yeah, I guess.
202
00:07:30,250 --> 00:07:31,619
Hey.
203
00:07:39,593 --> 00:07:41,629
He's not a monkey.
204
00:07:42,530 --> 00:07:44,865
* Men. *
205
00:07:47,935 --> 00:07:50,237
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
what are you doing?
206
00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:51,404
I don't wanna watch football.
207
00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:53,641
Nobody cares what
you wanna watch.
208
00:07:53,707 --> 00:07:56,544
Why do you get to decide
everything around here?
209
00:07:56,610 --> 00:07:58,078
Oh, I don't know.
210
00:07:58,145 --> 00:08:00,413
Maybe it's because I bought
everything around here.
211
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,115
Oh, right, play the money card.
212
00:08:02,182 --> 00:08:03,183
That's all you got.
213
00:08:03,250 --> 00:08:05,218
That's all I need.
214
00:08:05,285 --> 00:08:06,754
Now shut up.
215
00:08:07,655 --> 00:08:10,624
(softly):
No, you shut up.
216
00:08:14,094 --> 00:08:16,597
All right,
I'm gonna count to three
217
00:08:16,664 --> 00:08:19,066
and then I'm gonna
kick your ass.
218
00:08:19,132 --> 00:08:21,635
Ooh, I'm scared.
219
00:08:22,536 --> 00:08:23,571
One.
220
00:08:25,072 --> 00:08:27,641
Two.
I'm only leaving
'cause I'm bored.
221
00:08:30,343 --> 00:08:32,913
He keeps growing, I'm screwed.
222
00:08:33,581 --> 00:08:34,982
Hey, hey, uh,
223
00:08:35,048 --> 00:08:36,984
you wanna hear what I wrote
the night you were born?
224
00:08:37,050 --> 00:08:38,318
Not really.
225
00:08:38,385 --> 00:08:39,753
Oh, come on. Come on.
226
00:08:39,820 --> 00:08:41,121
Uh, sit down.
You'll like it.
227
00:08:42,489 --> 00:08:45,225
It's kind of a poem.
228
00:08:45,959 --> 00:08:46,827
Um...
229
00:08:46,894 --> 00:08:50,230
"My son, my son, my only one.
230
00:08:50,297 --> 00:08:53,466
"You open my heart
like the morning sun.
231
00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:56,003
"Your tiny face, your tiny hand.
232
00:08:56,069 --> 00:08:59,873
"Never have I felt
a love so grand."
233
00:09:02,242 --> 00:09:03,210
Gay.
234
00:09:08,982 --> 00:09:11,551
What do you know about poetry,
you monkey?
235
00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:15,689
* Men. *
236
00:09:18,191 --> 00:09:19,359
Oh, hey, Herb.
237
00:09:19,426 --> 00:09:20,828
Just thought I'd
stop by and see
238
00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:22,462
if you needed any help
with the baby's room.
239
00:09:22,529 --> 00:09:23,430
Thanks, I'm painting today.
240
00:09:23,496 --> 00:09:24,765
Oh, great.
241
00:09:24,832 --> 00:09:28,268
Just call me Vincent Van
"Gogh-ing" to help you.
242
00:09:29,670 --> 00:09:31,338
Funnier in my head.
Let's go.
243
00:09:32,505 --> 00:09:33,641
Oh, Judith, look
who stopped by
244
00:09:33,707 --> 00:09:35,042
to help paint
the baby's room.
245
00:09:35,108 --> 00:09:36,543
Surprise.
246
00:09:36,610 --> 00:09:37,845
Herb doesn't need
any help, Alan.
247
00:09:37,911 --> 00:09:39,546
Yes, I do.
Yes, he does.
248
00:09:39,613 --> 00:09:40,648
HERB:
Come on,
I'm just
249
00:09:40,714 --> 00:09:42,315
finishing up
the base coat,
250
00:09:42,382 --> 00:09:44,351
but I'm gonna start
on the unicorn stencils.
Unicorns?
251
00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:47,120
Oh, Herb, that's just a pony
with a strap-on!
252
00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:48,989
* Men. *
253
00:09:51,058 --> 00:09:52,392
* Men. *
254
00:09:52,459 --> 00:09:54,094
I know, tell me about it.
255
00:09:54,161 --> 00:09:57,631
It's like nine kinds of "suck"
in an eight-suck bag.
256
00:09:57,698 --> 00:09:58,531
Hey, Jake?
257
00:09:58,598 --> 00:09:59,900
Gotta go.
258
00:09:59,967 --> 00:10:01,735
I didn't mean to interrupt
your call.
259
00:10:01,802 --> 00:10:03,370
Yeah, well, you
should've thought of that
260
00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:04,838
before you barged in.
261
00:10:06,740 --> 00:10:08,809
Yeah.
262
00:10:08,876 --> 00:10:10,343
The reason I barged in
263
00:10:10,410 --> 00:10:13,480
was to apologize for
threatening to kick your ass.
264
00:10:13,546 --> 00:10:14,782
I wouldn't really do that.
265
00:10:14,848 --> 00:10:17,284
You couldn't really do that.
266
00:10:19,419 --> 00:10:20,654
Anyway,
267
00:10:20,721 --> 00:10:22,723
I was thinking about
ordering a pizza.
268
00:10:22,790 --> 00:10:23,891
You interested?
No, thanks.
269
00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:26,093
Maybe you didn't hear me.
270
00:10:26,159 --> 00:10:27,327
Pizza.
271
00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:30,698
Dough, sauce,
cheese, grease, meat.
272
00:10:30,764 --> 00:10:32,199
I've seen you lick the box.
273
00:10:32,265 --> 00:10:34,134
I'm not hungry.
274
00:10:34,201 --> 00:10:36,436
Okay, what the hell's
wrong with you?
275
00:10:36,503 --> 00:10:38,371
Nothing.
Fine.
276
00:10:38,438 --> 00:10:41,008
Be that way.
277
00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:43,143
I know what's going on here.
278
00:10:45,078 --> 00:10:47,715
You're bent out of shape 'cause
your mom's having another baby.
279
00:10:47,781 --> 00:10:48,548
No, I'm not.
280
00:10:48,615 --> 00:10:49,649
It's okay.
281
00:10:49,717 --> 00:10:50,884
Nothing to be ashamed of.
282
00:10:50,951 --> 00:10:52,986
In fact, I know exactly
how you feel.
283
00:10:53,053 --> 00:10:56,289
My mom's second child
ruined my life.
284
00:10:56,356 --> 00:10:57,624
That's my dad.
285
00:10:57,691 --> 00:10:58,959
Uh-huh.
286
00:10:59,927 --> 00:11:02,629
Listen, it wasn't
all bad.
287
00:11:02,696 --> 00:11:05,665
When babies grow up a little,
you can have fun with 'em.
288
00:11:05,733 --> 00:11:07,667
You know, pee in
their canteen,
289
00:11:07,735 --> 00:11:09,402
teach 'em to stutter.
290
00:11:09,469 --> 00:11:11,905
Of course, the down side
is they're so damaged
291
00:11:11,972 --> 00:11:13,841
later on they move
into your guest room
292
00:11:13,907 --> 00:11:16,076
with their kid
and never leave.
293
00:11:16,143 --> 00:11:18,846
Not that I don't love
having you here.
294
00:11:18,912 --> 00:11:21,348
You're a delight.
295
00:11:21,414 --> 00:11:23,450
I'm fine with the baby.
296
00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:24,818
Really?
297
00:11:24,885 --> 00:11:26,854
Yeah. I'm actually kinda
looking forward to it.
298
00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:29,356
Well, that's
a novel approach.
299
00:11:29,422 --> 00:11:31,324
So if it's not the baby,
300
00:11:31,391 --> 00:11:33,693
why have you been such
a dillweed lately?
301
00:11:33,761 --> 00:11:34,862
None of your business.
302
00:11:34,928 --> 00:11:35,896
So it's a girl.
303
00:11:35,963 --> 00:11:37,530
Just get out of my room.
304
00:11:37,597 --> 00:11:38,598
Make me.
305
00:11:38,665 --> 00:11:40,801
God, you're such a child.
306
00:11:43,737 --> 00:11:46,673
Oh, yeah, it's a girl.
307
00:11:46,740 --> 00:11:49,076
Hmm, Jolene.
308
00:11:49,142 --> 00:11:49,743
Yeah.
309
00:11:49,810 --> 00:11:51,779
Jolene Melnick.
310
00:11:51,845 --> 00:11:53,680
Nope, I don't think so.
311
00:11:53,747 --> 00:11:56,349
Why not? You could
call her Jo or Josie.
312
00:11:56,416 --> 00:11:59,152
Kinda wanted to name her
after my Grandma Mildred.
313
00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:00,788
Mildred Melnick?
314
00:12:00,854 --> 00:12:03,523
Yeah. We could call
her Mil, or Millie.
315
00:12:03,590 --> 00:12:04,524
I'm sorry, Herb.
316
00:12:04,591 --> 00:12:05,893
But with a name
like Mildred
317
00:12:05,959 --> 00:12:08,962
you might as well call her
Staff Sergeant Melnick.
318
00:12:09,029 --> 00:12:11,098
Herb, can you get
the cookies for me?
319
00:12:11,164 --> 00:12:12,365
Oh, sure.
320
00:12:12,432 --> 00:12:14,401
We, uh, keep 'em on the top
shelf of the pantry.
321
00:12:14,467 --> 00:12:15,368
You know... Jake.
322
00:12:15,435 --> 00:12:16,636
Yeah.
323
00:12:16,703 --> 00:12:19,272
Charlie keeps his fudge nuggets
in the trunk of his car.
324
00:12:19,339 --> 00:12:21,274
Thank you, dear.
325
00:12:22,843 --> 00:12:24,778
What are you
doing here?
326
00:12:24,845 --> 00:12:27,247
I'm helping my friend,
helping you.
327
00:12:27,314 --> 00:12:29,516
If not for me, our little girl
would be surrounded
328
00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:31,251
by metaphorical pony peni.
329
00:12:31,318 --> 00:12:32,853
Our little girl?!
330
00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:34,321
Alan, I don't know
what you imagine happened
331
00:12:34,387 --> 00:12:36,790
between you and me,
but if you say anything to Herb,
332
00:12:36,857 --> 00:12:38,691
I swear to God I'll put
a gun in your mouth
333
00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:40,127
and paint these walls
with your brains.
334
00:12:40,193 --> 00:12:43,797
I think we settled
on mermaids.
335
00:12:43,864 --> 00:12:45,065
Cookie
for my cookie?
336
00:12:45,132 --> 00:12:47,100
Oh, yum. Thank you.
337
00:12:49,669 --> 00:12:50,703
Wow.
338
00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:52,372
Pregnancy's a wild ride, huh?
339
00:12:52,439 --> 00:12:54,674
One minute she's loving
and affectionate,
340
00:12:54,741 --> 00:12:56,844
the next minute
she's, well...
341
00:12:56,910 --> 00:12:59,512
Cruel, vengeful,
castrating?
342
00:12:59,579 --> 00:13:01,414
I was going to say moody.
343
00:13:01,481 --> 00:13:04,151
Wait for it.
344
00:13:04,217 --> 00:13:06,719
Of course I want to go
to the party.
345
00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:07,988
'Cause
346
00:13:08,055 --> 00:13:10,023
my stupid uncle won't let me.
347
00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:13,693
I don't know,
348
00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:15,028
'cause he's old
and clueless.
349
00:13:15,095 --> 00:13:16,729
No, I can't sneak out.
350
00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:18,999
'Cause I gotta be here
to change his adult diapers.
351
00:13:19,066 --> 00:13:20,834
Otherwise he just sits
in his own filth.
352
00:13:20,901 --> 00:13:23,336
I know,
353
00:13:23,403 --> 00:13:24,838
it's really gross.
354
00:13:24,905 --> 00:13:26,739
Hi there.
355
00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:28,275
Gotta go.
356
00:13:29,843 --> 00:13:32,545
You're not supposed to listen
to my private conversations.
357
00:13:32,612 --> 00:13:35,415
You're not supposed to tell
people I crap my pants.
358
00:13:35,482 --> 00:13:37,317
Okay, whatever.
359
00:13:41,354 --> 00:13:43,723
So what's the deal
with this party
360
00:13:43,790 --> 00:13:45,558
that I'm supposedly
not letting you go to,
361
00:13:45,625 --> 00:13:48,595
like I actually give a rat's ass
about your social life?
362
00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:49,863
Just leave me alone.
363
00:13:49,930 --> 00:13:51,731
You know that's not
going to happen.
364
00:13:51,798 --> 00:13:55,435
Come on. You can trust me.
365
00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:56,970
Did you trust me
when I told you that?
366
00:13:57,037 --> 00:13:59,472
Um... I'm confused.
367
00:13:59,539 --> 00:14:01,008
Of course you are.
368
00:14:01,074 --> 00:14:02,943
Now tell me why you don't want
to go to this party.
369
00:14:03,010 --> 00:14:04,411
I can't tell you.
370
00:14:04,477 --> 00:14:05,445
It's embarrassing.
371
00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:07,247
Okay, okay.
372
00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:10,017
How about I tell you
something embarrassing
373
00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:11,885
about myself first?
374
00:14:11,952 --> 00:14:13,353
Like what?
375
00:14:13,420 --> 00:14:14,821
Well, let's see.
376
00:14:14,888 --> 00:14:16,589
All right,
377
00:14:16,656 --> 00:14:19,426
about 15 years ago,
I was in Bangkok.
378
00:14:19,492 --> 00:14:21,294
(giggles)
379
00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:23,396
What?
380
00:14:23,463 --> 00:14:24,932
Bangkok.
381
00:14:26,833 --> 00:14:28,868
It's a real place,
you nimrod.
382
00:14:28,936 --> 00:14:30,403
Still funny though.
383
00:14:31,504 --> 00:14:33,907
Anyway, I was in this bar
384
00:14:33,974 --> 00:14:35,875
and I met this
beautiful woman,
385
00:14:35,943 --> 00:14:37,210
and I was a little drunk
386
00:14:37,277 --> 00:14:40,280
and I didn't notice
the Adam's apple.
387
00:14:41,548 --> 00:14:44,251
But later that night....
388
00:14:46,453 --> 00:14:48,922
Well, believe me,
I was really embarrassed.
389
00:14:48,989 --> 00:14:52,125
Girls don't have
Adam's apples.
390
00:14:53,493 --> 00:14:56,296
Oh, dude,
you are such a 'mo.
391
00:14:58,365 --> 00:15:00,633
No, no, no, no,
we just kissed.
392
00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:02,435
Oh, that's even worse!
393
00:15:03,536 --> 00:15:04,871
All right.
394
00:15:04,938 --> 00:15:06,139
I shared. Now you share.
395
00:15:06,206 --> 00:15:07,975
You didn't have
to share that.
396
00:15:09,342 --> 00:15:12,479
A fart in the lunch line
would've made your point.
397
00:15:12,545 --> 00:15:14,147
I get it.
398
00:15:14,214 --> 00:15:16,149
I'm sorry. Now talk.
399
00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:18,952
Okay.
400
00:15:19,019 --> 00:15:21,121
Well, there's this girl
I kinda like
401
00:15:21,188 --> 00:15:22,755
and she's gonna be
at the party tonight.
402
00:15:22,822 --> 00:15:24,291
Uh-huh.
403
00:15:24,357 --> 00:15:27,427
And she... said she wants
to hook up with me.
404
00:15:27,494 --> 00:15:28,561
And you're nervous.
405
00:15:28,628 --> 00:15:30,763
Well, she's gone out
with a ninth grader
406
00:15:30,830 --> 00:15:32,365
and I think she's done stuff.
407
00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:34,167
Okay, I get it.
408
00:15:34,234 --> 00:15:36,636
You've got yourself an
experienced older woman
409
00:15:36,703 --> 00:15:37,704
who knows more than you.
410
00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:39,306
Everybody knows more than me.
411
00:15:39,372 --> 00:15:41,374
You should hear some of the
things my friends have done.
412
00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:42,809
Oh, please.
413
00:15:42,875 --> 00:15:43,843
How old are your friends?
414
00:15:43,910 --> 00:15:45,145
Same age as me.
415
00:15:47,047 --> 00:15:49,049
How old are you?
416
00:15:49,116 --> 00:15:50,683
Fourteen.
417
00:15:50,750 --> 00:15:53,020
Mmm, horrible age.
418
00:15:53,086 --> 00:15:54,887
All right,
419
00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:56,456
first of all,
420
00:15:56,523 --> 00:15:59,059
whenever 14-year-old boys
talk about sex, they're lying.
421
00:15:59,126 --> 00:16:00,994
But for a guy like you,
422
00:16:01,061 --> 00:16:02,829
the truth can
be a powerful tool.
423
00:16:02,895 --> 00:16:04,597
(chuckles)
424
00:16:04,664 --> 00:16:06,966
What?
425
00:16:07,034 --> 00:16:09,669
Powerful tool.
426
00:16:09,736 --> 00:16:10,537
(sighs)
427
00:16:10,603 --> 00:16:11,638
Stay with me, Jake.
428
00:16:11,704 --> 00:16:13,740
How about a powerful tool
in Bangkok?
429
00:16:15,042 --> 00:16:17,777
Jake, what I'm trying
to tell you here
430
00:16:17,844 --> 00:16:19,612
is that the truth
can work for you.
431
00:16:19,679 --> 00:16:21,681
What truth? That I don't know
what I'm doing?
432
00:16:21,748 --> 00:16:23,483
Yep, play
to your strengths,
433
00:16:23,550 --> 00:16:25,685
which in your case
is ignorance.
434
00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:29,056
Here, I'll show you.
435
00:16:29,122 --> 00:16:31,858
(clears throat)
436
00:16:31,924 --> 00:16:34,494
You gently cup her face
in your hands,
437
00:16:34,561 --> 00:16:36,729
look her in the eye
and tell her,
438
00:16:36,796 --> 00:16:38,531
"I'm new at this
439
00:16:38,598 --> 00:16:40,833
and I'm trusting you
to be patient with me."
440
00:16:40,900 --> 00:16:42,735
You're kidding.
441
00:16:42,802 --> 00:16:44,537
Nope.
442
00:16:44,604 --> 00:16:46,339
Girls eat that crap up.
443
00:16:46,406 --> 00:16:48,341
And I'll tell you
something else--
444
00:16:48,408 --> 00:16:51,311
that line will work for you
all the way through college.
445
00:16:51,378 --> 00:16:53,780
Or in your case, your second
hitch in the Navy.
446
00:16:55,648 --> 00:16:56,849
Now go get dressed
447
00:16:56,916 --> 00:16:58,085
and I'll take you
to that party.
448
00:16:58,151 --> 00:17:00,653
Thanks, Uncle Charlie.
449
00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:02,189
No problem, buddy.
450
00:17:02,255 --> 00:17:04,424
Still didn't need to hear
that Bangkok story.
451
00:17:04,491 --> 00:17:06,226
I'm sorry.
452
00:17:06,293 --> 00:17:08,761
It's going to give me
nightmares.
453
00:17:08,828 --> 00:17:11,764
Welcome to the club.
454
00:17:15,468 --> 00:17:17,304
All right, we're agreed
on a Montessori preschool.
455
00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:18,871
But what about
child care?
456
00:17:18,938 --> 00:17:21,241
Oh, well, uh, Judith's mother
has already told us
457
00:17:21,308 --> 00:17:22,675
we can count on her
for baby-sitting.
458
00:17:22,742 --> 00:17:24,777
Ooh.
459
00:17:24,844 --> 00:17:25,778
What?
460
00:17:25,845 --> 00:17:26,779
Oh, nothing, nothing.
461
00:17:26,846 --> 00:17:28,215
Lenore's a lovely woman.
462
00:17:28,281 --> 00:17:29,882
I'm, I'm sure the baby
will be fine.
463
00:17:29,949 --> 00:17:31,918
Oh, okay, good.
464
00:17:31,984 --> 00:17:33,386
Yeah.
465
00:17:33,453 --> 00:17:35,655
She's probably got a lid
on those demons by now.
466
00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:37,090
What demons?
467
00:17:37,157 --> 00:17:39,726
Oh, ah, well, it's no biggie.
468
00:17:39,792 --> 00:17:42,095
Um, she just, uh, hit
a little rough patch
469
00:17:42,162 --> 00:17:43,496
with the prescription pills...
470
00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:46,999
...the intervention,
the, the rehab.
471
00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:49,802
There was an intervention?
472
00:17:49,869 --> 00:17:50,770
And rehab.
473
00:17:50,837 --> 00:17:52,071
Um, three times.
474
00:17:52,139 --> 00:17:54,774
Three times?
475
00:17:54,841 --> 00:17:57,110
Well, so far. Um....
476
00:17:57,177 --> 00:17:59,112
Oh, dear God,
what the hell happened?
477
00:17:59,179 --> 00:18:00,580
(sighs)
478
00:18:00,647 --> 00:18:03,082
Golly, I-I didn't want to be
the one to tell you.
479
00:18:03,150 --> 00:18:05,485
Alan, please.
480
00:18:05,552 --> 00:18:06,819
(sighs)
481
00:18:06,886 --> 00:18:08,621
All right, um,
482
00:18:08,688 --> 00:18:10,790
Lenore was baby-sitting
one night,
483
00:18:10,857 --> 00:18:12,859
and when Judith and I came home,
484
00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:15,328
we found her face down
in a bowl of H agen-Dazs
485
00:18:15,395 --> 00:18:17,564
with a couple of Percocets
in her hair.
486
00:18:17,630 --> 00:18:18,765
You're kidding.
487
00:18:18,831 --> 00:18:20,933
Well, that's not the scary part.
488
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:23,303
Um, we heard some shrieking
489
00:18:23,370 --> 00:18:26,306
and, uh, found baby Jake
with his head stuck
490
00:18:26,373 --> 00:18:28,608
in a doggie door trying
to fend off a raccoon.
491
00:18:28,675 --> 00:18:30,777
A raccoon?!
492
00:18:30,843 --> 00:18:32,111
Yeah. Yeah.
493
00:18:32,179 --> 00:18:34,247
We-we got him all the shots
just to be safe,
494
00:18:34,314 --> 00:18:36,983
but he was never the same
after that.
495
00:18:37,049 --> 00:18:40,052
Judith never told me about this.
496
00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:41,754
Well, it's her mother, Herb.
497
00:18:41,821 --> 00:18:42,589
What's she gonna say?
498
00:18:42,655 --> 00:18:43,956
But tell you what,
499
00:18:44,023 --> 00:18:46,693
sneak up on Jake one night
wearing a Davy Crockett hat
500
00:18:46,759 --> 00:18:47,794
and see what happens.
501
00:18:47,860 --> 00:18:49,596
Anyway,
502
00:18:49,662 --> 00:18:52,565
if you ever need a-a sitter
for little Jolene,
503
00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:55,101
you, uh, you call Uncle Alan.
504
00:18:55,168 --> 00:18:56,936
How's it going
in here?
505
00:18:57,003 --> 00:18:58,004
Oh, honey,
good news.
506
00:18:58,070 --> 00:18:59,406
Alan's offered to baby-sit
507
00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:00,840
so we don't have to risk
calling your mother.
508
00:19:02,842 --> 00:19:05,778
JUDITH:
Get out!
509
00:19:05,845 --> 00:19:07,747
A raccoon?!
510
00:19:07,814 --> 00:19:08,815
And you believed him?!
511
00:19:08,881 --> 00:19:10,817
Are you insane?!
512
00:19:14,321 --> 00:19:16,789
* Men. *
513
00:19:16,856 --> 00:19:18,925
How do I look?
514
00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:21,694
She already likes you, right?
515
00:19:21,761 --> 00:19:22,829
Yeah.
516
00:19:22,895 --> 00:19:24,797
Then you look great.
517
00:19:26,866 --> 00:19:29,702
Let's go.
518
00:19:32,104 --> 00:19:33,540
Hello?
519
00:19:33,606 --> 00:19:35,675
Oh.
520
00:19:38,345 --> 00:19:40,780
I'm still not real sure
about this.
521
00:19:40,847 --> 00:19:42,615
What's the big deal?
522
00:19:42,682 --> 00:19:44,016
I told you how to handle it.
523
00:19:44,083 --> 00:19:45,685
I know.
524
00:19:45,752 --> 00:19:47,354
I just...
525
00:19:47,420 --> 00:19:49,589
I just don't want to go.
526
00:19:49,656 --> 00:19:52,124
All right...
527
00:19:52,191 --> 00:19:53,260
All right.
528
00:19:53,826 --> 00:19:55,462
No hurry.
529
00:19:55,528 --> 00:19:57,630
It's not like they're going
to stop makin' girls.
530
00:20:01,133 --> 00:20:04,237
Hey...
531
00:20:04,304 --> 00:20:06,038
how about we order that pizza
and watch a movie?
532
00:20:06,105 --> 00:20:07,540
Cool.
533
00:20:07,607 --> 00:20:09,709
I should probably change back
into my eating shirt.
534
00:20:09,776 --> 00:20:11,511
Don't worry.
535
00:20:11,578 --> 00:20:13,212
You can't ruin this shirt.
536
00:20:14,747 --> 00:20:15,515
(sniffing)
537
00:20:15,582 --> 00:20:17,183
What the hell is
that cologne?
538
00:20:17,250 --> 00:20:19,386
Air freshener
from the toilet.
539
00:20:21,754 --> 00:20:23,890
I figured I was spraying it
anyway.
540
00:20:23,956 --> 00:20:26,526
* Men. *
541
00:20:28,127 --> 00:20:30,330
(doorbell rings)
542
00:20:37,203 --> 00:20:39,906
Oh, hey, Judith.
543
00:20:39,972 --> 00:20:41,207
What's up?
544
00:20:41,274 --> 00:20:43,175
Actually, quite a bit.
545
00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:44,411
Is something wrong?
546
00:20:44,477 --> 00:20:46,413
No, uh, it's just, um,
547
00:20:46,479 --> 00:20:49,882
I think it's time
you knew the truth.
548
00:20:49,949 --> 00:20:51,250
What truth?
549
00:20:51,318 --> 00:20:54,521
Marlene Melnick
is your daughter.
550
00:20:56,623 --> 00:20:58,525
I knew it!
551
00:20:58,591 --> 00:21:00,560
For 14 years I've known it.
552
00:21:00,627 --> 00:21:02,194
Well, I told her everything
553
00:21:02,261 --> 00:21:04,831
and she wants to live
with her real dad.
554
00:21:04,897 --> 00:21:07,199
That's great.
555
00:21:07,266 --> 00:21:08,601
It's okay, honey.
556
00:21:08,668 --> 00:21:10,937
Come on in.
557
00:21:11,003 --> 00:21:12,939
Hi, Daddy.
558
00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:22,415
Got anything to eat?
559
00:21:28,955 --> 00:21:29,956
I'm a wuss.
36719
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