Original subtitles

Oh, thank you, Dr. Harper.

And remember, no more rough sex.

(chuckles)

Oh, Dr. Harper, you're terrible.

(laughing)

Okay.

Bye-bye.

(chuckles)

I wish I was kidding; the woman's a freak.

You are so good with the patients, Dr. Harper.

Oh, thank you. Just you're- you're warm

and personable and funny.

Oh, I'm all right.

(chuckles)

But you, the patients love you.

No.

Uh, don't give me "no."

I'm giving you "no."

Well, I'm not taking "no."

(laughs)

Don't make me blush.

I'm making you blush.

Well, I'm blushing.

(laughs)

So we all done for the day?

Yeppers.

Mrs. Freemantle was our last patient.

Okay, then, uh, I will see your smiling face tomorrow.

(chuckles)

Well, it's only smiling 'cause it's looking at you.

(laughs)

Don't make me blush.

Well, I'm making you blush.

Well, I'm blushing.

(both laughing)

I'm so sorry.

I should apologize.

No, I'm the one who stepped over the line.

No, no, I stepped, too.

No, no, I stepped first. No, no, no.

Don't give me "no, no."

I'm giving you "no, no."

We can't do this.

I'm sorry, I can't help it.

I ache for you.

Yeah, well, I'm not all that

comfortable right now either.

It-it-it's just that I feel like...

You don't have to explain.

I understand.

Okay. Okay.

Well, then, uh, I guess I will see you tomorrow.

I'll be here at, uh, 7:30.

In case you want to get in early.

Oh, okay.

Uh, I-I might actually want to...

get in early.

You're the boss.

You can get in anytime you want.

Oh, God.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men.

Hey.

Hey.

Mind if I watch the game?

Uh, actually, I came in here for a little quiet time.

Huh.

(TV clicks on, sports playing)

Still quieter than sleeping under the Santa Monica Pier.

I'm conflicted, Charlie.

Shh, quiet time.

ANNOUNCER (over TV): Nice throw, nice catch.

Reggie Williams, he scores...

Do you think you can choose who you love?

Oh, boy.

(TV clicks off)

What's his name?

What? No!

Oh, all right.

Come out when you're ready.

(TV clicks on, sports playing)

Williams will come far right...

(TV clicks off)

Do you remember my receptionist?

The itsy bitsy spider who climbed up my water spout?

Yeah. Whatever happened to her?

You dumped her after one depraved weekend,

and I had to give her a raise, health insurance

and a paid vacation to keep her from quitting.

Oh, good.

Thanks for smoothing that over for me.

Hey, you think she has plans for this weekend?

What is wrong with you?!

Uh, I am trying to tell you

that I'm starting to have feelings for her.

For who?

For Melissa.

Who's Melissa?

My receptionist!

Oh.

So I should forget about this weekend?

Yes, you should forget about this weekend!

I was just asking.

You don't have to bite my head off.

So you and her are, uh...

Oh, no, no, no, nothing's happened yet.

Just a little kissing, and she could feel my... enthusiasm.

What, are you Noel Coward?

Just say "boner."

Why do I bother talking to you?

Beats the hell out of me.

The thing is, Melissa and I have-have this chemistry,

and it's really hard not to act on it.

Yeah, it's tough when you work together.

Right.

You don't crap where you eat.

I know.

You don't dip your pen in company ink.

And you never bang a woman who owns a snake or a bird.

What?

They're usually nuts.

So what you're faced with here is a moral dilemma.

Oh, I'll say.

Whether or not to have an intimate relationship

with a woman who is also your employee.

Exactly.

I got it, I got it.

Oh, you do?

Fire her, then boink her.

I don't got it?

You don't got it.

(TV clicks on, sports playing)

Open in the corner is Mike Williams.

ANNOUNCER #2: Well, this is what you were...

I'm right about the snakes and birds though.

* Men.

Really?

The one who works for him?

Yep.

Tinkerbell with the knockers?

The same.

Well, everybody makes that mistake once.

I crossed that line in the '70s

when I was cleaning house for Mr. Telly Savalas.

No kidding.

TV's Kojak?

One and the same.

What happened?

What do you think happened?

He's Greek, a man of passion.

You can't tie your shoes around those guys.

That's rough.

Bet your ass it's rough.

Morning.

Morning.

So, Zippy,

I hear you've been sinking your putts

on the company golf course.

Thanks for telling her.

Thanks for telling me.

Word of advice:

it may seem like fun and games at the beginning,

but mark my words, sooner or later, you're gonna wake up

with a broken heart and a lollipop stuck to your keister.

You want to explain that to me?

I'd rather forget I ever heard it.

So, decide what you're gonna do about Melissa?

There's nothing to do.

I have to take the physical feelings I have for her

and channel them into something creative, productive,

something, something that'll last.

You're gonna have sex with the vacuum cleaner again,

aren't you?

That wasn't sex, that was an accident.

Once is an accident.

* Men.

Morning, Melissa.

Good morning, Dr. Harper.

How's my schedule look today?

It's packed pretty tight.

Oh, okay.

Uh, tight's good.

You know, better-better tight than,

uh, you know...

Thank God for scoliosis.

(chuckles)

Um, listen, Melissa,

um, about what happened yesterday...

Please, Dr. Harper, you don't have to say anything.

Yes, yes, I do.

We obviously have feelings for each other, and...

...there's nothing wrong with that.

It's-it's a beautiful thing. It's-it's natural.

But for us to maintain a-a working relationship,

and I hope friendship,

I-I think

it would be unwise to succumb to those feelings.

I agree.

Oh, good, good.

I'm glad. (chuckles)

Oh, well, now we got that out of the way...

(both chuckle)

Uh, what time does my packed schedule begin?

Uh, not for a half hour.

Half hour?

Yeppers.

Nothing for a half hour?

Wide open.

* Men.

Everything work out at the office?

Uh-huh.

Manage to keep your hands off Really Little Annie Fanny?

Well, not exactly, but, uh, we did keep it above the waist.

Her waist or yours?

Both.

And it wasn't easy.

I haven't checked, but I'm pretty sure

my balls look like two-thirds of the Blue Man Group.

Berta, hide the vacuum cleaner!

For the last time, I use it to get lint off my trousers.

Then why do you call it Brenda?

* Men.

ANNOUNCER: So when the mood strikes and she's ready,

you'll be ready, too.

Ready today, ready tonight, ready tomorrow.

I'm ready now.

What's he ready for?

If I were to guess, I'd say he's ready

to screw up his life a little more.

Is that even possible?

We'll see.

I'm hungry.

So eat something.

There's nothing here I like.

Welcome to my world.

* Men.

Why are we eating here?

If I have to watch you stuff your face,

I'm gonna need a drink.

Am I even allowed to be in a bar?

Probably not.

So if anybody asks, you're a homely lesbian.

Why do I have to be homely?

Just sit down.

What's that smell?

Stale beer, vomit, urine.

You hungry?

Hey, Charlie.

Hi, Janine. This is my nephew Jake.

Hey, Jake.

How old are you, sweetheart?

Keep your hands off him, Janine, he's married.

I thought I was a lesbian.

We're just gonna have a couple of hamburgers

and a basket of fries, he'll have a soda

and I'll have a draft.

That's not a very healthy dinner for a growing boy.

Well, don't worry, he can process anything.

The other day, he ate a handful of packing peanuts.

You bet me ten bucks I wouldn't.

Oh, Charlie, shame on you.

Yeah, shame on you.

Tell you what, Jake,

I get out of here in ten minutes.

Why don't you get your uncle to bring you over to my place,

and I'll cook you a nice, healthy dinner?

Thanks, but I'm already healthy. I'll have a hamburger.

All right.

No, you won't. We'll be there.

I don't get a vote?

You're lucky you're getting dinner.

Thanks, Janine.

You're welcome.

What is wrong with you, turning that down?

Excuse me, but we have no idea what kind of cook she is.

Oh, God...

For all we know, she's a vegetarian.

(groans)

* Men.

Dr. Harper, what are you doing here?

What do you think I'm doing here?

Please don't make me guess.

I'm making you guess.

Correct.

WOMAN: Melissa, honey, who's here?

Uh, Mom, this is my boss, Dr. Harper.

Dr. Harper, this is my mother.

Hello.

Hello yourself.

I understand there's been

some inappropriate behavior in the workplace.

Yeah, well, about that,

I-I-I just want you to know that I have nothing but respect

for your daughter, and I would never do anything...

I'm just yankin' your chain!

Ain't nothin' wrong with beddin' the boss.

That's how I wound up with the little princess here

and half a Black Angus franchise.

Come on in. I'm watchin' Hellboy.

Okay. Thanks.

You smoke dope?

* Men.

This is, like, the best dinner ever.

I'm glad you liked it, Jake.

You are a great cook.

And you are a cutie pie.

Oh! I could just eat you up.

Want another root beer?

Sure.

Comin' right up.

Listen, buddy, you're gonna have to make yourself scarce.

Maybe take a cab home.

You take a cab home. I'm doin' great.

How do you figure?

You blind? First base on the top of my head,

second base in my ear?

Listen to me, knucklehead.

That woman's got to be ten years older than you.

So? You're, like, 15 years older than her.

Step aside, grandpa.

Okay, fun time's over.

Go wait in the car.

You go wait in the car.

No, you go.

No, you go.

Jake, how about I put some ice cream

in that root beer and make it a float?

Thank you. That'd be great.

It's like she can read my mind.

Go get in the car.

Fine, I'll just go tell Janine

that you want me to wait in the car by myself

so you can try and have sex with her.

Sit down, you little bastard.

Now, this picture here is toward the end of my labor.

That's my vagina,

and that's Melissa's little head

pokin' out of me like a groundhog.

Mmm.

Hey, I guess if she'd seen her shadow,

I would've had six more weeks of labor, huh?

(laughs)

It's funny.

You know, of all my kids, she was the easiest.

Just like popping out a ping-pong ball. Phht!

That's quite an image.

Yeah, oh, and it was a natural childbirth, too.

No drugs, just a couple of peyote buttons

and bitin' down on a rope.

(clears throat)

Mom, would you mind

if Dr. Harper and I have a little time alone?

I'm sorry, honey.

You kids must be as horny as a couple of drunken rabbits.

Enjoy.

Oh, uh,

Kama Sutra's on the bookshelf

case you feel like pushin' the envelope.

I'm sorry about that.

Mom never really made it home from Woodstock.

Don't be silly. She's delightful.

I'm just gonna close this up now.

Don't mind me.

I'm just gonna a roll a fatty in the backyard

and zone out in the hammock.

(slurping)

Ah, that hit the spot.

I'm glad you liked it.

The best part of a root beer float?

Your burps taste good.

Listen, Janine, thanks for everything,

but I should probably get this little guy home

and come back.

It's way past his bedtime.

What are you talking about? It's not past my bedtime.

What do you wanna bet he falls asleep in the car

and I have to carry him in?

What do you wanna bet he has to go home and take a laxative

because he's too old to poop normal?

All right, that's it!

Not in the face! Not in the face!

What?

Stop that!

He's kidding. I never hit him.

Jake, tell her you're kidding.

I'm kidding about that, but he can be verbally abusive.

Not funny, Jake.

The liquor makes him mean.

Okay, I didn't want to have to do this,

but I am calling your father, let him deal with you.

I'm gonna go straighten up in the kitchen.

(quietly) You don't know who you're messing with.

(loudly): Are you kidding? I think she's gorgeous!

Ow! Ow!

You don't know who you're messin' with.

(ring tone plays): * Up, up and away in my beautiful... *

I'm sorry about that. Hang on.

Charlie, now is not a good time.

All right, put him on.

I can't talk now, Dad.

I'm about to get lucky with an older woman.

What?!

Where are you?

Jake? Jake?!

Alan, would you be totally weirded out

by a little mother-daughter tag team?

* Men.

* Men.

I hope you're happy.

I hope you're happy.

I could've been happy.

Are you gonna tell me what happened tonight?

You don't wanna know.

Where are you going?

I'm a 14-year-old boy who recently got ear-boob.

Where do you think I'm going?

Ear-boob?

You don't wanna know.

So how'd it go with Melissa?

You don't wanna know.

Oh, come on.

All right. I met her mom, saw a photo of mom's vagina,

and chose to leave before being introduced to the real thing.

You're right, I didn't wanna know.

Where are you going?

I'm a 40-year-old guy who recently...

Ah, screw it. I'm gonna go play with myself.

Okay, that I didn't want to know.

Still not a bad idea.