Original subtitles

Thank you very much. I love you. Welcome, everybody. Welcome, welcome,

to The Tonight Show. You're here.

You made it.

Thank you for watching.

Well, guys, today, President Trump said anything less than the U .S. having full

control of Greenland is unacceptable.

But according to a new report, buying the island could cost $700 billion.

Gosh, can't he just scroll Zillow and daydream like the rest of us?

We're already $38 trillion in debt. This would be like your deadbeat uncle

walking into a yacht dealership. You're like, no, no, don't do this.

$700 billion, or we could try Trump's option of putting Greenland between us

Denmark and seeing who they float to.

Come on, come on, come on over. You know, come on. You remember. You love

You love me.

Trump was like, how can we get $700 billion? Then one guy heard and was

I'm back, baby!

Yeah, baby!

Meanwhile, today in Washington, J .D. Vance and Marco Rubio met with officials

from Greenland and Denmark.

Wait, they didn't meet with Trump? That's... It's like the cat in the hat

sending thing one and thing two, you know?

Vance and Rubio used their favorite negotiation tactic, good cop, tiny cop.

Well, people were talking about this yesterday. Trump was touring a factory

Michigan when a worker heckled him, and Trump responded by flipping him the

bird.

Or as it's also known, the Melania salute.

There you go. Good morning.

Good morning, honey.

Usually when Trump flips the bird, he's just looking for a drumstick in his KFC

bucket. He's like, what? Sigh, sigh, sigh. Where's the drummy?

You guys see this? According to a new report, Trump has been texting with New

York City Mayor Zoran Mamdani.

Every time Trump texts Mamdani, he's like, duck my life.

Mamdani calls Trump Mr. President, while Trump calls Mamdani the Shane to my

Ilya.

Get this? The USDA is now using Trump in their new campaign to encourage people

to drink whole milk. This is real. Look at this.

Yeah.

That's real.

Trump also filmed a commercial. Check this out.

No, no, no, no, no.

Absolutely not. What are you talking about?

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Or this.

So what's your favorite drink? Coca -Cola.

He was supposed to say whole milk.

Close.

Well, switching gears today, there was a massive Verizon outage that had

customers' phones stuck in SOS mode.

Yeah, it's rare for Verizon to have an outage. The only thing more rare is for

AT &T to have an image.

Well, guys, it's an awards season right now, which means we're seeing a lot of

celebs, and the hottest hairstyle we're seeing is being donned the chillet, a .k

.a. the chill mullet. Here, I'll show you what I mean.

If your hair's

feeling boardy, you can make like Jake Elordi, get a chillet.

A chillet.

Don't like your hair at all, you can make like Metcalfe Hall, get a chillet.

A chillet.

You'll be saying wow when you look like Glenn Powell in a chillet.

A chillet.

You can make it three with the heated rivalry, got to chill it.

You can make your hair look like Carmi from The Bear with a chillet.

Need a new style?

Ask your barber for the styles. It's a chill it.

A chill it.

Even Nick Jonas and the guy from White Lotus has a chill it.

A chill it.

Also Benson Boone and the bad guy from Dune has a chill it.

A chill it.

Even Florence Pugh and Bella from New Moon has a chill it.

A chill it.

Back to a little fun, but it's business in the front.

It's a chill.

Feel it.

We'll get this, everybody.

Peep. just announced that their Easter 2026 flavors include Pop -Tarts Frosted

Strawberry, Sunny D, and Chili Lime Mango.

It's just like Jesus would have wanted.

Well, this is exciting. Nike just signed their first professional pickleball

player, Anna Lee Waters.

Wow.

That's really cool. I love pickleball.

Yeah, it's fun. You know what's even more fun, though? Padel.

You ever play Padel?

No. I really enjoy pickleball, so I'm going to stick with that.

Good. Good.

Glad we settled that.

In other news, I read that... It's just you can't say pickleball is more fun if

you've never played Bedell. I've seen some videos of it. But pickleball just

seems more my thing.

That's awesome.

That's awesome.

Teeth their own.

Let's move on.

I saw that... It's just Padel has walls, which adds a whole new complex

dimension. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, see, I don't really need walls in my sport, because I'm a pickleball guy.

Totally, totally, totally, totally, totally. Yeah, yeah, not a big deal, not

big deal.

Some people don't like complexity.

Let's get back to the news.

In Iowa, I thought, do you know Padel is the fastest growing paddle sport?

I don't want to play Padel. Great, I don't care then. In other news,

in the world, the fastest growing paddle

sport in the world. Pickleball is just fine by me. Exactly, just fine.

Padel is the future.

Padel is...

A truck in Ireland was carrying a load of seafood when it crashed into a ditch

and set 15 ,000 live crabs free.

Pretty much the best -case scenario after telling your friends you got crabs

from a truck driver.

Crabs. Thankfully, everything was okay after they hosed down the road with

melted butter. There you go.

That's right.

Finally, guys, you ever see a photo in the news and think that headline could

better? It's time for News and Improved. Here we go.

For example, check out this first photo. The original headline was Russia holds

conference on military operations.

That headline can definitely be improved because if you only looked at the

photo, the headline could have been Putin tries his best Riz face.

Next headline was... Up

next, this headline

says... Headline could have been... Next

headline was...

Headline could have been, man stuck like that after sleeping on airplane tray

table.

You gotta be kidding me, man.

Seven -hour flight?

Oh, man.

It's a nightmare, dude.

It's a nightmare for me, you understand?

His next headline was, UK prime minister visits community center.

Headline could have been, man looks nothing like hinge photo.

Next headline was Marco Rubio and Pete Hegsteth field press questions.

Headline could have been, Dad not mad, just disappointed.

And finally, this headline was, former British Chancellor joins

Reform Party. Headline could have been, 10th annual This Guy conference

underway. That's all the time we have for News and Improved. We have a great

show. Laura Dern is here tonight.

Winner Tiana Taylor is here to top and then perform with Lucky Day.

From the number one movie on Netflix, People We Meet on Vacation, Emily Baird.