Original subtitles

APPLAUSE

Thank you. You shouldn't have, but you have.

Welcome to Taskmaster with me, your task master, Greg Davies.

People often ask me, "What if the tables were turned?

"How would you like it? How would you feel?"

'These are great questions, but it will never happen, so stop asking me!

Because it's these people who are taking on my tasks

'for the ultimate honour of raising aloft this handsome face-shaped trophy.

Please welcome them. They are Iain Stirling...

..Joe Thomas...

Lou Sanders...

Paul Sinha...

and Sian Gibson!

APPLAUSE

And here a man whose name doesn't humiliate him

anywhere near as much as his personality!

It is... Oooh!

It's Alex Horne!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

No messing around. Straight into the banter section.

Alex leads this every week.

Let's party!

I've had my regular check-up at the GP's. Yep?

Things are looking good. I've got the results. OK.

Bloods, 100%. All blood, no milk.

Vision, he said I look nice. Weight, 100kg.

Heart-rate, 100 BPM. He's rounded a lot of them up.

Cholesterol 100 KmPH,

Doctor's favourite number, 100, and I can start smoking.

As long as I'm careful, as long as I put it out before the orange bit,

it's fine.

Yep. Alright. Good.

I've got no response to any of that!

Are we starting with something different today, Alex?

Yes, we are. It's the prize task. Yep.

The category this week is the best burstable item. Mm!

Whichever Greg judges is the top of the pops, will get five points.

'At the end of the show, the winner will take home all five burstable items

and go home with an inflated sense of pride.

We're going to start with Joe. What was your burstable item?

A grape.

LAUGHTER

'It's obvious now that there's a sort of performative, entertainment quality to this show,

whereas I think I treated it more as a sort of data entry.

Can you burst a grape? You can crush a grape.

Sorry! No, no, thank you, Sian. You do crush a grape.

"Ooh, I could crush a grape!" Simple.

Do you think we can burst a grape?

'I think if you pierce it with a pin, it wouldn't burst, I don't think. It wouldn't burst?

Isn't... What about, um...

Oh, I hate to bring it up. Hate to bring it up. Literally, Keats.

'Where I think he says "I would burst against my palate fine"? That's a grape.

No. "Crush against my palate fine."

Aw! That's literally the opposite of what I should have done.

Unforgivable. Is it "crush it again"?

No, of course it isn't!

Paul. Uh, yes, Paul.

'It's a gift from my auntie, my dad's sister, who came to stay with us for four long months last year.

I've got a nephew and a niece. The nephew's five years old.

Likes balloons. So she bought him a balloon.

'Now, there's a lot of debate about what you can and can't teach five-year-old children,

'but what I don't think you can do is give them inflatable penises at Christmas.

It might be me, but do you see a penis in that? No.

No! No, that's just your mind!

There might be a penis in his mouth!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Iain? It's a cuddly bear toy.

That's a great prize.

Now imagine it being burst!

Actually, the joke's on you, because that bear bursts into song!

Oh! That's good.

I was in bed, lying next to my girlfriend,

so I did record the song whilst trying not to wake her.

So the bear does sound like it's creepily whispering.

Do you want to hear it creepily whisper?

# Doo-doo-doo-doo

# Doo-doo-doo-doo

# Doo-di-di-doo

# Di-di-doo-doo-doo! #

LAUGHTER

Yeah.

'I think the thing that troubles me most of all is how smug the bear's face is.

LAUGHTER

OK. Lou?

You know how nice it is to burst a coffee pot?

When you push through the thing at the top?

That's the best burst, famously.

This is even better, cos it's a creme brulee.

It's a two-pronged burst, OK? OK.

At the end of it, you've got coffee and pudding.

What am I bursting, Lou?

The gold foil. The gold foil.

I wouldn't do that. I'd run a spoon round the outside,

'I'd lift it off and I'd dispose of it. He always does that. He does always do that.

He knows that! But I've gone the extra mile.

I've put a picture of you on the creme brulee.

LAUGHTER

Are you suggesting that I'd burst through the top of a creme brulee?

No-one would say, "I can't wait to burst into this creme brulee", Lou!

They would in my family!

What have you got, Sian, because that's obviously shit!

So, I did a 24-hour Zumbathon for charity.

Write that down.

And I got blisters on my feet.

You would have. On a Zumbathon, you're gonna get loads.

But I also got a blister on my bottom.

My husband, using gin, a kettle and a needle...

The classic trio!

..burst the blister... I didn't know you were married to MacGyver!

Anyone outside of London is a savage, aren't they?

I've recreated it. That's not my actual bum.

Who doesn't want to burst that with a pin? Come on!

Looks very burstable. OK. Shall we give some points out? Yes, OK.

OK. You can't pop a creme brulee. One point.

No!

That doesn't make sense!

'You can't burst it. You can't burst it. # You can't burst a creme brulee. # One point!

Joe, he was good, but not good enough. Two points.

'Three... Sorry, that bear's face just irritated me. Three points for Iain. What?!

'I'm going to give the blister, because it's the prince of burstable things, five points.

And I'm gonna give old Dip-Mag four.

There we go. Five points to Sian Gibson!

It was old but nice.

Right, Alex, what do you have ready for us?

Here's a clue. It's a "lavarly" little task.

Wow.

Hello, Joe. Hiya. How are you, Alex? I'm good, thank you.

Ooh.

"Build the best volcano."

"You have ten minutes to design your volcano blueprint."

"You then have 20 minutes to build and demonstrate your volcano.

"Your time starts...now."

Um, what have I got to build with?

We need cork, yeah?

It's like bicarbonate of soda and something.

What's the kind of... The one that... Like Mentos and cola?

Is that a thing?

Mentos, yeah?

That'll go up like Christmas!

If you burn sugar, does that erupt?

That's your lava.

Sorted... Red jelly. Red jelly.

Then how do I make the "cano" bit?

I'm gonna build...a mountain.

With a hole.

Can I get a volcano mould?

Still thinking? Mm-hm.

It's just a bit of pipe or something, isn't it? Like, um...

Like a vase.

'I'm not sure exactly where the Pringles tube comes into this, but...

I'm excited at that.

So I'm gonna put that round and then...

Yes, that'll do.

And that, my friend,

is a volcano.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye!

APPLAUSE

Lovely. Iain said at one point, "How do I build the "cano" bit?

'I'm just interested in your distinction between "vol" and "cano".

I assumed that the "vol" that's your liquid...

..and the "cano" is the solid.

Vol and cano. Thank you.

I believe it was Keats that once...

'First to the table is the classically-trained volcano impresario, Joe Thomas.

Prepare. Right. Ooh. OK.

Ready? Yes.

Yep, that's alright.

That works. It's good, isn't it?

Aghh-aghh.

Right.

That's the first... That's the first eruption.

How long? 30 seconds.

Right. Hold on.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

APPLAUSE

WHISTLE BLOWS

Such a spectacular second eruption, as well!

It was good, with those Mentos things.

'Maybe that's what happened in Pompeii and that's why they were so frozen!

Right. They did have that big Mentos factory there, didn't they?

Next, it's someone who, like me,

is actually quite tall in real life. Iain Stirling.

I'm six foot two. Five foot four!

Come on!

As many as you can get in there.

We can actually do more than that, I reckon. A bit more.

Josh there. Rob's at the top.

Bob's down there. Noel's perched there, and Katherine's here.

They're all conquerors.

This is dedicated to all the Champions of Champions!

I hope to join you all, one day,

on this magnificent volcano!

Go in.

DRUM ROLL

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

No!

No! No!

'WHISTLE No! That's your ten minutes up, Iain.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

We've all been there!

Increasingly, I find!

I mean, I'm so genuinely heartbroken by it,

I can't even begin to ridicule you.

I think it's, um... It's a crying shame.

The engineering, the vision. And then that!

And then the cry of, "I'll see you in the Champion of Champions!"

It's just...

It's a Shakespearean tragedy!

How do you feel? I gen...

I genuinely don't want to talk about it!

I... That's absolutely fine.

OK. We're gonna pause for a second

because it's time now for the first part of The Advert Show! Enjoy.

Hello! Hello. We are back.

Over now to my tiny assistant, Alex Horne, to fill you in on the detail.

Am I on? I'm on!

Thanks, Greg. What a show this is turning out to be.

'Before the break, we saw two volcanoes made for the current volcano-making task.

And one of them proved to be active. Next to erupt, it's Paul Sinha!

You can clearly see it's got the geology, the shape

and the ecology of a volcano.

It's bubbling under. The villagers are starting to panic.

This is Pompeii, 79 AD, all over again.

Is it? We're about to find out.

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

Amazing.

I need a cigarette after that!

Really? Yeah, I do!

I think the build-up was sensational.

So much lovely back story. But I think the answer to the question,

"Is this Pompeii 79 AD all over again?"

is "No!"

'Throughout the task, Paul did list the highest volcanoes in the world. Oh.

What is the highest volcano in the world? I think it's Chimborazo.

Chimborazo. What's the smallest volcano in the world?

That!

LAUGHTER

Love it!

Next up? Another volcano.

OK. Sian Gibson next. Here's how she got on.

Put a bit of soil around.

Fire.

Mine's like a party volcano.

Pipe cleaners, plastic lava.

Right.

Are you ready? I'm ready.

Yay!

It's a bonfire!

No, it's a volcano!

It's on fire, now, Sian. It's a real fire.

Thanks, Sian. Thank you.

APPLAUSE

I don't think I understood the task!

'It seemed to be it had already erupted cos there was "jelly" everywhere.

So was it a second eruption? I just want to get...

Does that happen, Paul? Do you have a second eruption?

Do you get second eruptions? Quite frequently, yeah.

Yes. So it didn't erupt. It didn't erupt.

It didn't say it had to erupt.

There was no vol, there was no vol, there was no vol!

There was a lot of cano, though!

Yeah!

It's all about scaling up. Real cano. Did it say in the task

do an erupting volcano? Yep.

It says, "Build the best volcano." Oh, I apologise. Yes.

Sorry!

Do you want to do the last one? Yep. OK.

The last to go off, it's Lou Sanders.

Volcano. OK.

That's actually lovely.

I'm ready for the big finale.

And by that, I mean, "Can we turn the lights out?"

Another job done. Thank you.

Pretty good. Pretty good.

Her topography was sweet!

I put a couple of turds on it. What can I say?

'I think the aftermath of the eruption perhaps didn't look as spectacular as you'd hoped. Yeah.

But mid-eruption... It was lovely.

Very good. We were having a right old time of it, weren't we?

'I really enjoyed it. She tried to mould it round a witch's hat, and that was too floppy,

so then we got the rock. It was quite sensible. Yeah.

Yes. Even a witch's hat has got some logic to it.

Yes, yes. Yes.

'So I thought they were all really good volcanoes and this is very difficult.

So I'll tell you this. I'm not gonna give anyone just one point.

OK. I'm going to give Sian and Ian two points.

Wh... No! I'm happy with that.

Thank you, Sian.

And that, young man, is a lesson.

OK. We've got joint fourth. Anyone in third? Yes,

'with three points, I'm going to give the hot, thin, high stream of piss volcano.

Paul Sinha. That's Paul's. OK. Three points.

'And I am really struggling because the other two were both so spectacular.

I'm gonna give them both five points. Oh!

OK.

I'd really like a scoreboard update.

And I want to make you happy. Here we go.

We have three people in a tie for first place. It looks like this.

Joe, Paul and Sian on seven points.

APPLAUSE

Next, what do you have for me?

'It's time to settle down, grab some popcorn and watch a little film I've called The Horne Identity.

Here we go.

"Work out what Alex Horne is wearing next door."

"Both you and Alex must stay in your seats at all times."

"Alex Horne may only communicate with Alex Horne's horn."

"You have a maximum of 15 minutes. Fastest wins. Your time starts now."

You can blow your horn to say you can hear me.

TOOTS

Pretty straightforward horn code system task. Yes. A simple task.

Looked very expensive. Why was it not done in the caravan?

Fancied a day out to a train, did we?

I like trains. I do like trains. I like...

We'll speak about that later. Let's crack on.

It's a simple task of communication and brain power.

So we're gonna start with a clever brain person, so Thomas.

Let's...

Could I...

Um...

What I'm gonna ask is, uh...

If the answer is yes, can you toot once,

and if the answer is no, can you toot twice?

Can you toot once to show you've understood that?

Toot!

Are you wearing a pair of underpants? Toot!

Are you wearing some sort of all-in-one costume or outfit?

Toot!

Um...

'Are you wearing something that is actually designed to be worn as clothes?

Toot! Toot! Toot!

Is three toots a way of saying it's ambiguous?

Toot!

OK.

Oh, man. Um...

Is it made of soft fabric?

Toot!

Is it, um, is it a mascot costume?

Toot! Toot! Toot!

Sorry. Sorry, I've forgotten.

Is it... Is it soft? Toot!

Are you dressed as an animal? Toot!

Is it a furry animal? Toot! Toot! Toot!

Is it a warm-blooded animal? Toot!

Um... Some sort of big cat?

Dog? Rodent?

Mammal? Toot! Toot!

Is it a usual pet? Toot! Toot! Toot!

Ohhh.

Are you just... Have I asked... Are you just a bear?

Are you a mammal? Toot! Toot!

But you are warm-blooded? Toot!

Is this animal a character from some sort of fictional...

WHISTLE

Ohhh. Um...

Wallaby.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Woo!

It seems you spent a lot of time establishing a system,

but then you just totally ignored all the answers you got back!

Alex introduced this element of ambiguity, which was...

I think Alex, if anything, I should be telling Alex off

for helping you out with his three-honk system.

Thank you(!)

I said I couldn't understand what three honks meant.

'You worked it out pretty quickly. I worked it out. One of the few things you did work out!

Before you sighed and said, "Wallaby"!

I was not ambiguous about whether or not it was a mammal.

And then after I said that, you mainly said, "mammal".

I couldn't quite remember the difference between

warm, like, warm-blooded mammal...

'Mate, you got stuck in the mammal groove. That's fine. We've all done it. OK.

'Let's stop for a bit. Am I worried whether you'll return after the break? Absolutely not.

Because one of these guys is gonna win a grape!

Hello, and welcome back to Taskmaster.

Horne's horn.

Horns. And Horne's horn, to be precise.

The next two to decipher my honks

are (PARP!) and (PARP-PARP!)

Paul and Iain? Correct.

Honk once for yes, honk twice for no.

Do you understand?

Toot!

Do you have a hat on? Toot! Toot!

Trousers of any kind? Toot! Toot!

No? Do you have shorts on?

Toot! Toot!

You're not wearing clothes?

Skirt? Toot! Toot!

Fuck!

Are you wearing a shirt? Do you have a dress on?

Toot! Toot! No!

Leggings? Toot! Toot! Tights? Toot! Toot!

A wetsuit?

Leotard? Long Johns?

Toot! Toot! Dammit!

Is it a onesie? Toot!

Are you wearing anything on your feet? Toot!

Do you have shoes on?

Socks? Flip-flops?

Slippers? Toot! Toot!

Do you have a tail? Toot!

Are you dressed as an animal? Toot!

Yes!

A lion? Is it a mammal? Toot! Toot!

No! Is it a bird? Toot!

Tiger? Bear? Chicken?

Crocodile? Kangaroo? Badger?

Toot! Toot!

Does the species that the bird is known by begin with the letter A?

Toot! Toot! B? Toot! Toot!

Larger than a human?

Toot! Toot! A jungle creature that's smaller than a human?

Crocodile?

O? Toot! Toot! P? Toot!

Is it a pigeon? Toot! Toot!

Meerkat? Toot! Toot!

Aghh! Does the name of this bird have one syllable? Toot! Toot!

Is it a bird? Toot!

Is it a partridge? Toot! Toot!

Pelican? Toot! Toot!

Aghh!

Is the third letter of this word a B? Toot! Toot!

Parrot? Toot!

P-A-R...

Alex Horne is wearing a parrot onesie! Stop the clock!

Are you dressed as a parrot?

Toot!

'A man that believes that a still-water crocodile is smaller than a human being...

OK. ..has just beaten me to a parrot!

Iain, you can't go on any quiz show ever,

because you give an answer, and then you go, "Fuck!"

That's your system!

But you don't understand, I said so many animals!

You stuck to your system for a long time.

You got P-A-R, and still were guessing. You knew it was a bird,

and you got to P-A-R..!

And you'd ruled partridge out!

OK, well, shouty madman, 37 seconds and seven minutes.

OK. And clever stupid man?

Clever stupid man, 36 seconds and eight minutes.

Well done.

Just 59 seconds in it, but Iain currently in the lead.

Next, it's time to send in the SAS - Sian and Sanders.

Remember, one for yes, two for no.

That is the system. That should always be the system.

Can you honk once for yes, and twice for no?

Toot!

OK. So, two for yes, one for no?

Toot! Toot! Cool.

Are you wearing clothes? Toot!

Are you wearing something of nationality

like a Scottish outfit or Norwegian? Toot! Yeah, sure.

Are there... Are there... Are they... Ooh.

Are they fancy dress clothes? Toot!

Are you a woman? Toot! Toot!

Are you dressed as a theme? Toot! Toot! Yes. OK.

Are you an animal? Toot!

Is it duck-themed?

Toot! Are you a jungle animal? Toot!

Are you colourful? Toot! Toot!

Would I have seen you in The Lion King? Toot!

Are you a lion? Toot! Toot!

Oh...

Are you a crocodile? Swan.

Are you an elephant? Are you a frog? Toot!

Are you cute? Toot! Aw!

Are you a bird? Toot! Toot!

You're a bird?! Toot! Toot!

A giraffe? Are you a pigeon?

A rhino? A wood pigeon?

Are you a bird? Toot!

Alan Partridge? Toot!

Parrot? Toot!

Parrot! Toot! Toot!

APPLAUSE

Pretty efficient stuff from both contestants, I thought.

Two or three hesitations.

'One was where you very sweetly just paused to go, "Aw!", when you found out Alex was cute.

Although you'll have to take his word for it.

I enjoyed you, the sub-sections of the pigeon community you explored!

I don't know who won.

My instinct is that Sian's efficiency... Mm.

And that's it. You tell me. I will. I will tell you.

Bear in mind Joe never found out that I was a parrot.

No, he did not. He did not.

Iain currently in the lead with seven minutes 37.

Lou, seven minutes 11 seconds.

Wow.

Sian, though... Oh.

314 seconds.

Five minutes 14! She's the winner by a mile!

So it's nought points for Joe,

two for Paul, three for Iain, four for Lou.

But five points to Sian Gibson! Boom! Boom!

Fantastic!

Can we have another one of those task things, please?

Yes. Welcome, all, to the Taskmaster confessional.

"Alex is in the living room."

'"In 20 minutes from now, you must apologise to Alex for something you've done in that time."

"Best apology for worst thing wins.

"Your time starts now."

OK.

OK. I've got to do something really bad.

Uh...

I mean, I'm very really affected by guilt, anyway,

'so I could probably go now and just apologise for the way I've lived my life!

We've got to get a guitar.

What can I do with a poo?

I'll go and find a guitar. There must be a guitar somewhere.

They're quite a contrasting set of super-villains, there!

Iain was absolutely that he was gonna be guitar-based.

He knew that from the start.

Joe just apologising for his existence!

By far the most sinister was the man who said nothing!

That's the more sinister aim!

OK. Well, it's not an easy task for me, this.

'They had to do the best apology for the worst thing. Yes. So judging it on two counts.

We're gonna find out what naughty boy Joe Thomas got up to first.

What a naughty boy. Naughty boy!

Oh, Alex. Hello, Joe. I just wanted to have a quick word.

Um... It's a number of things, really. I'm enjoying the tasks,

but there's a few things I've been mildly annoyed about.

And, um, I've sent it to you on your phone. It's a sung message.

Are you apologising for a song I'm about to listen to?

I'm apologising if it causes any offence,

but I thought it was best to sort of clear the air.

# Oh, have you heard the good news

# Alex Horne is finally dead

# Now that Alex is dead

# I feel like I can finally breathe... #

It's quite harsh.

# Alex's murder

# Is evidence for the existence of God

Alex's murder? Well, yeah.

Um, murder is a bit strong.

# I personally shifted him off

# And I did

# Fuck...off...Alex! #

And you stand by what you said? I stand by those feelings.

I'm not saying I'd act on them necessarily today or this week.

Thank you for coming to see me. I appreciate your honesty.

No problem. OK.

Well, good stuff. You're a good bloke.

OK. OK, thanks, Joe. See you later.

APPLAUSE

I don't know. I got a bit lost in it.

I enjoyed it. Yes.

There's so many lines I enjoyed.

"Alex's murder would be evidence for the existence of God."

Yes. It was pretty harsh, as well.

It was an awful thing to say! A terrible thing to say.

I didn't feel the apology was great.

He said you were a "good bloke", at the end.

Yeah, he gave me a thumbs up. Thumbs up and I shuffled off.

"Good bloke", thumbs up. Yeah.

So, Alex, what more do you want?

OK. Who's next? OK. Next up,

a Sinha by name. Let's see how bad he really is. It's Paul.

Hello, Paul. I'm so, so sorry.

What are you sorry for?

I've been under a lot of stress.

I've been on this 5:2 diet which has caused me cravings.

And I just walked in this morning

and I'm meant to be on a two-day 600 calories

and I opened up the fridge

and there was all sorts of deliciousness there.

I had a bit of a crisis. What have you done, Paul?

I kind of destroyed the fridge. I've been very selfish.

I'm so sorry.

I just lost my mind.

I'm gonna go and look at the fridge.

So sorry!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I feel a bit weird after that, Paul.

I don't know. You had the countenance of a serial killer!

And your worst crime was eating a bit of jam with your fingers,

as far as I could work out!

'I wasn't there while he was doing it, cos I was working, but the crew did say it was odd!Yes.

'Shall we see another one? Who do you want to see? Sian! Me, too! Here we go!

Hello, gorgeous.

Oh.

You smell nice.

Thank you, Sian. Look at that.

I'm really sorry. You've got my phone.

'Sorry. You left your phone in the kitchen. I'm really sorry about that.

I might have used one of my personal pictures.

I thought it was my phone,

and sent it to someone else but it was on your phone.

But I meant to... I just caught a glimpse!

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

Sent it to Greg?

'The worst person you could have sent it to! Where did you get the picture from?

Why has it got my face?

It says, "Come to mamma."

How many people have you sent it to? Just to Greg? Oh.

Thank you for this. I do appreciate that.

It's a quite flattering picture, though.

Thank you, Sian. Thank you.

APPLAUSE

'There was an accompanying text to the picture, wasn't there? Yes. What was it?

It just said, "Come to mamma." Come to mamma.

Alex was genuinely... I thought he was gonna cry!

At first I thought you'd sent it to everyone that I know.

I wasn't gonna do that.

'No. You wouldn't send it to his wife cos she knows the horrible truth of what you look like!

And I have spoken to her, actually,

and she says that picture is nothing like you,

because the man in that picture had a big penis and small testicles

where you are, and I quote, "Quite the reverse!"

Want to see a blister burst?

Then come back for the final part of the show!

Hello, and welcome back to Taskmaster

where there was a lot of misbehaviour before the break.

Yes, there was. There was gluttony from Paul,

wrath from Joe and lust from Sian.

But at least they apologised, Greg.

Next up to say soz...

You don't ever... You never say sorry to me.

You've never come off the script before and tried to bring me in!

Next up to say soz, it's Iain!

# Alex

# I just pied you in the face

# Alex

# It was a total disgrace

# Alex, I hope that I'll see you in heaven

# Or the Champion of Champions

# Series 11, I'm sorry

# I'm sorry, oh, yeah

# I'm sorry

# Can't open the door

# I'm sorry

Do you want me to open the door for you? I'm alright. Sorry about that.

'Really lovely, despite your constant assertion you're going to be the Champion of Champions!

I don't know where that came from!

Nice that your apology was about something that actually happened.

Yes. Not just a threat that you could actually pie him.

Quite hard. It was my first ever pie-ing! He smacked me in the face.

What about Lou? Lou? Uh, well.

She's potty-mouthed and potty-named.

Here she goes. Lou Sanders.

Hello!

I wanted to make an apology. I'm so, so sorry...

for what I've done.

I've done something to your car. Shall we...have a look?

I got your car, I threw some shit on it.

But in order to make you feel better about it,

I signed you up for these classes with your real mobile number.

'Jazzercise life coaching, estate agents, they're all gonna call you back.

'Crystal healing, PPI checks, insurance, body-wraps, indoor surf classes,

pony trekking, confidence classes, judo and Scientology.

Welcome to your new life!

'To say sorry for what you've done to the car, you've signed me up for these things? Yeah.

So this is worse than that!

The apology is worse than what you've done!

Which means more points for me!

The balloon wasn't even part of it.

You can have that, to start with!

The teaser!

But obviously you made a terrible mess of his horrible red car.

But...

It's a horrible red, don't you think?

Horrible red.

Sort of...

But I think that the real diabolical crimes were committed after that

because it genuinely was Alex's phone. It was.

That you signed him up to all those awful things on!

The Jazzercise lady was so nice. Wendy? Yes.

You signed him up for Scientology? Yep. Anton has stopped calling me.

The estate agents still call me, every Monday afternoon.

Worse than scientology! It's the worst. That's the worst.

Wendy is the one that I now have some sort of relationship with.

Let me give out some points. OK. OK.

Paul's apology was just so creepy

but the crime wasn't bad enough for me.

Cos I eat jam with my hands all the time

so I'm gonna give him just one point.

One point to Paul. Yeah.

If Joe had murdered you, he'd have got three points.

I'm gonna give him two points.

'You'd only have given him three points for murdering me? That's right.

Shows you care.

And three points, I'm gonna give it to Sian

for exposing the true horror of your genitals.

Iain's song was absolutely wonderful

'but a pie-ing isn't the most diabolical of crimes. I'll give him four points. Right.

'And Lou, I mean I just hate people like that getting hold of your phone.

It's such an evil, twisted crime!

She must take the five points. Five points goes to Lou Sanders.

Alright.

I think we should hear some scores. The scores? Yeah. OK.

Lou and Sian, the ladies, are at the top, both with 15 points! Yes!

Right. Please, stand up and strut up to the stage

for the final task of the show!

Hello! Hello! Who's gonna read the task out?

I've given the task to Paul Sinha.

"Get into one sleeping bag

"with your arms through the arm-holes,

the zip zipped up and the hood on your head.

"Then stand to attention and salute the Task Master

"for a full five seconds.

"Then get into the other sleeping bag

"with your arms in the arm-holes, the zip zipped up

"and the hood on your head whilst still in your first sleeping bag.

"Then skip once. The fastest wins."

Wait a second! Wait, wait, wait! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa! Blow your little whistle. Good luck.

'You may don your first sleeping bag and the second and do the saluting in the middle.

WHISTLE

Off they go.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Get them out of the bag. One's out.

I can't get it out of the bag! What's wrong, Sian?

Can't get it out of the bag? There we are. There you go.

It's not out yet.

Still in the bag, here!

Are you alright, Paul? Yeah.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Problems here! It's still in the bag.

Was that five seconds, Joe? I'm pretty sure it was, yes.

Seemed like five to me. Maybe it was four!

It's a piece of shit! A piece of shit!

A piece of shit!

There we go.

APPLAUSE

We have two left. Two left.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

WHISTLE

OK, Paul. It's now up to you whether or not you want to carry on.

Oh, fuck, yes!

'Before the show, Alex said, "You haven't mentioned your injured shoulder."

'I said I'll only mention my injured shoulder when it's fucking affecting how I'm performing.

Give it here.

Quite a touching scene!

Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I mean, it is the most touching moment in Taskmaster history!

We'll work that out and then add it to the final scores.

Come back down and join me.

'What would you do if somebody didn't salute you for the full five seconds?

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

IAIN WHISTLES

I would give them an absolute maximum of one point.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Oh, no! What if we saluted you for more than five seconds?

That's not relevant in your case!

Sian, the briefest of the salutes at 2.09 seconds. Mine?!

'Lou Sanders saluted for the correct period of time. Thank you! Well done, Lou.

So you come second in the task.

There's more people in last place. We know Sian's in last place.

Tragically, Paul Sinha did not salute for five seconds.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

'And the third person in last place, Joe Thomas did not salute for long enough.

What was that? How long was it?

You saluted for 3.2 seconds.

Men always think it's longer than it is!

LAUGHTER

Not all men!

You're right. Iain wins the task and five points!

Wow!

We have an outright winner. She's won two shows in a row.

The winner with 19 points is Lou Sanders!

Thank you!

Lou Sanders is the winner of episode three.

Please head up to the stage and prepare to pop!

So, what have we learnt today?

We've learnt that no matter what disappointments life throws at you,

relationships that don't last the course, ambitions unfulfilled,

periods of utter loneliness,

console yourselves that you've never stooped as low

as entering a solitary grape as a prize.

And Lou Sanders styled it out to win the episode.

Well done to her and good night to you!

Keep warm! Bye-bye!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media