Original subtitles

I'll find the perfect penis.

I promise.

I promise.

Your pod is sealed and all systems are go.

What are you doing here in my galactic bubble?

Um, I'm here to work on your mission, because obviously you're not doing it

right.

Gadzooks, does Captain Sheridan not understand the meaning of a work

I mean, I get a free trip to Earth, but I can't just chill a little bit?

Well, planet Areola is about to explode or something, so we better get to work.

Oh, no, no, no.

Wait a second. I was beaten on here for a reason, so this is my spot. Get out of

here.

That's a difficult safe place.

Hey, we're not open yet.

Oh, that's okay.

I thought I had a way in.

Uh, okay.

Um, I'm not really set up, and I don't have the taps in, but, you know, you're

more than welcome to take a seat.

Really? That's so nice.

Where are you from? I don't think I've seen you around here before.

Oh, I'm kind of areola.

Where the hell is that?

Oh, it's two million light years away. You know, it's a quick beam in and out.

Where are you from?

Tarzana? I've never heard of that place.

This is my first time on Earth.

I'm here to search for the perfect penis.

Do you know where I can find that? Do they have those in Planet Tarzana?

Well, now that you mention it, I have to say, I have the perfect penis.

Really? Oh yeah, just ask any girl in the entire world.

I mean, they'll tell you. My penis is, it's perfect. I mean, it's a work of

I mean, Michelangelo couldn't have painted the portrait as beautiful as my

penis. It's just insane.

Wow, that was so easy.

Do you mind if I indulge in the perfect human penis?

Yeah, I think that would be great.

I'll be right there.

Give me about five minutes.

Okay.

I'm sorry that took so long.

Really, it's the perfect female.

You like

my

intergalactic mouth?

Tell me what you like.

Tell me what you like, Becca.

I like when your cock disappears on my throat.

Uh -huh.

I don't feel like it.

I don't know, I'm from Planet Uriola.

I can't choke me.

I'll find the perfect penis.

I promise.

I promise.

Your pod? is fueled in all systems that are go.

Captain Sheridan, do you read me?

Captain!

Yes, Scout Veronica, I'm here.

Why did you send Jesse here? I had this. I just needed a little more time.

Time? Time for what?

To frolic on the beach with Earthlings like some interstellar fairy?

You and Vixen have accomplished nothing since you've been there.

So yes, I sent Jesse.

Well, I was on my way to a bar that was supposed to have the best penis in town.

Jesse came and pushed me out of the way and claimed it as her own.

They used the application on the device I gave you.

How is this supposed to find me any dick?

Pull up the application called Tinder. You will find plenty of penis there.

Ah!

Captain Sheridan, why did you even send anyone down to Earth? Why didn't you

just assume the mission yourself?

Because I don't like dick.

To be honest with you, I wouldn't know the perfect penis if it hyper

-accelerated up my ass.

You know, I don't like dick either.

You need a break.

Can't wait to get me out of this uniform, huh?

Oh, dirty.

Mmm, it's like I'm a big teddy, baby.

Mmm,

yeah.

Mmm, like I'm a big teddy, baby.

Mm -hmm

So pretty.

Do you like having those fingers in you?

Fuck yeah.

I want you to fuck me.

That's right.

I want you to fuck me too.

Say it louder. Please fuck me.

Please.

I thought I played it.

Oh my god.

Oh yeah.

Go get one of my toys.

Maybe I should have sent you to get the perfect paint.

Swipe left.

Oh, my God. Swipe left.

Swipe left.

Ooh, swipe A.

Hi. Hi.

Can I get you something to drink?

Oh, no. I'm just waiting for the perfect penis. But thanks.

Uh, yeah.

Aren't we all?

But until that happens, do you want to drink a beverage or something?

Oh, no. Thank you.

Veronica? Hi, yeah.

Show me your penis.

Uh, well, uh, care if we maybe get a bite to eat first?

Well, you already showed it to me on this device, so I just need to verify

Yeah, come on, Dad. Um, this, uh, whole alien roleplay thing, it's all kind of

new to me.

So, um, I'm open -minded, though.

Uh...

Last week, I let a girl tie me up in the freezer of a Jamba Juice.

I liked it.

What's a Jamba Juice?

Is that going to have anything to do with, like, affecting the perfection of

your penis?

I mean, no.

No, of course not.

That just doesn't really work that way.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. Can I get you something to drink?

Well, um... Um, does that look...

Does this dick look like this dick? Yeah, sure.

Why not?

Do either of you want any food or drinks or anything?

Did you even look at the menu?

Actually, we just came here to verify that he has the perfect penis. So, I'm

really interested in any rock rings, but thanks.

We're probably going to be leaving soon.

I'm sorry. Okay, good.

So, um...

Your place or mine?

Well, I can't really take you to my planet until I make sure that it

the perfect penis.

Yeah, the role -playing stuff again.

I'm kind of new to this stuff.

You're going to have to help me out.

Listen, I'm really serious.

I would have to talk to my captain about any exceptions, so let's just halt

communication and then we can just verify, okay?

Huh. So... It might be perfect, but I don't know how to do it.

Uh... Oh my god.

Wow. Oh.

Oh.

Oh my

God.

What do you think?

I might just steal.

Yeah, you like it?

Oh, fuck.

Oh,

yeah,

just like that.

Fuck, yeah.

Huh.

You're always on his stuff, baby.

these titties.

Yeah, look at that ass, baby.

Oh, fuck yeah. I like that fucking thing. Jiggle.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh,

fuck.

Oh, fuck.

Fuck me.

Fuck you, man.

Oh, fuck

you. Just like that.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, ruin my day.

Oh, fuck yeah.

Oh, fuck yeah.

Oh, my God, baby.

That's so fucking good.

Fuck yeah, baby.

Is that good?

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh,

fuck yeah.

Yeah, just like that. Oh, fuck me.

You want that dick to be your dick?

Yeah. Yeah? Yeah.

How nice is that?

It's so nice. It's perfect.

It's perfect.

Oh, yeah, baby.

Just like that. Yeah.

Oh, my God.

It's so fucking good. You like that dick, honey? Yeah. You want some of that

dick? Yeah, I do.

Whoa.

I feel bad.

didn't save our motherland.

Todd is fueled in all systems are go.

Tommy, it's dinner time. Your mother and I have been calling you.

Take off the stupid hat, would you?

Dad, how many times do I have to tell you? I wear this to protect my brain

the aliens.

I've told you so many times that you don't understand.

We listen to you, Tommy.

We listen to you all the time.

Aliens this, aliens that. You know what it is? You spend all your time in this

room trying to communicate with things.

that don't exist.

They do exist!

They do exist and they need me!

I don't know why.

Your mother and I, we need you, Tommy. We need you to get a job and move out of

here. 38 years, quite enough, isn't it, Tommy?

Have you seen any alien lifeforms yet?

Dude, you really believe in that shit?

Well, the boss says we've already been infiltrated and that two citizens have

died. Sounds pretty serious to me.

Thoughts? If things keep up this way, it's going to be really hard to keep it

covered up.

So I'm supposed to be looking for little green men running around?

No. Actually, these lifeforms are supposed to be very attractive women

abnormally large breasts.

Earth sun great.

It really is.

I mean, we have 2 ,000 suns at the center of our cluster, and they all

You know, I could really get used to this Earth life.

Good sun, big dick.

And I also tried this green thing called kale, and it was awesome.

Awesome. So weird.

But... I just wish some of these Earthmen would stop dying after I have

them because some of them I'd like a round two with.

What about

those girls over there?

That's just two girls by the pool.

Yeah, but... I come to the pool every day at lunchtime, and I've never seen

girls that hot.

They must be aliens.

Holy shit, you're right!

Free!

Uh, but why?

We're just here enjoying the earth's sun.

I'd really rather not freeze.

Are you guys really aliens?

Actually, alien is a little offensive.

We'd rather be called aerialites.

But anyways, do you guys want some of this drink? It makes me really dizzy,

it feels so good.

Yeah. Hey, Mike. Come over here, dude. Let's get drunk with these alien

What are you doing? This is serious.

We have to report them back to base.

Here, babe. I'm so sorry. Take that for a sec. I'll be right back.

Come here. Come here.

Do you see what we got right in front of us? Yeah. This is perfect.

We're going to get a promotion, a raise, and besides, we'll get to fuck some

aliens.

Have you ever fucked aliens?

Neither have I.

Have any of your friends?

We'll have something up on them.

Let's do this.

Okay.

Okay, look. We've got one hour for alien fucking, and that's it.

I don't want to see some aliens.

Oh, my God.

What can I fucking do?

Put your hands together.

Right there.

I'm such a big fan.

Come on, come on.

God, my God, my God.

My God.

Cheers.

Thank you.

You got something in all of your body.

Such a dirty little fucking alien.

What? What? What?

What? What?

That's not possible.

Oh, fuck you.

Oh, forgive me those fucking titties, I don't know.

I'm a fucking asshole.

Come here, sexy.

You come with her.

You come with her right there.

Right there,

right there, right there, right there.

Right there, let it go, let it go, let it go.

It's going to hit you in the mouth.

It's been way more than an hour. We gotta get out of here.

You're not going anywhere!

I really

wish this would stop happening.

We should get out of here. This could be a bit problematic.

I'll find the perfect penis.

I promise.

I promise.

Your pod is sealed and all systems are go.

Come to me, mothership.

Come to me.

If there's anyone out there, I am here.

I... I come in peace.

You come in peace. I am here. I believe.

If there's anyone listening out there, I believe.

You're real.

You're real.

You exist. You really do exist.

Oh, my God. You're real. You're real.

Oh, my God.

Are you from planet Areola?

I am.

Have you been there?

I'm trying so hard to move away, but it's been really tough to move away from

own planet.

It's really difficult.

This is so cool.

think that the entire universe is just empty?

Yes!

That's really arrogant.

Man, I am like, I am the only believer here.

Like, nobody else believes in me. Like, no one.

And I'm here every night, I got my transmitter in one hand, and I got my

dick in the other, and I'm like, God, it's... Oh my God!

You're the one.

You're the one I've been looking for. You're the one.

Where?

What are you talking about?

Perfect penis.

It's not that big, but, you know, it's pretty good.

And, you know, I bought a penis pump online.

Adds a few inches to it. It's like, what?

What? What? Really?

Yeah. You can have it. You can do it.

Whatever you want with it, it's yours to take with.

And it's all in the glory.

And I'm just throwing it out there. If you want to probe me, you can go right

ahead. Right ahead.

Probe away.

oh yeah

Oh, thank God.

Make my brain mush.

Are you?

So much fruit and vegetables.

I just knew this day would come and I want to be ready for anything.

Anything. Whatever you guys are going to tell me, I can do it.

I do a lot of stuff alone.

I broke your ears.

Oh my god.

Just in case.

Okay.

Okay. Okay. Oh my god.

Oh, you can take my dog.

Oh my god, it's so good.

Oh yeah, oh I like it.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah.

Oh my God.

Oh, fuck.

You're really good.

Oh no.

Oh,

fuck yeah.

Fuck. That is so good.

Oh yeah.

Alien titties on it.

Yeah. That's it.

I

can't

do it.

Am I doing it? I can't tell. Am I flying?

Are we flying? Yeah, yeah.

What do I see?

Do I see the Milky Way?

Oh, fuck,

my feet have titties.

Yeah, fucking alien titties.

Oh, fuck.

Those are pretty.

get that alien pussy right there oh play with it

play with that alien oh yeah oh

yeah

okay this is called

Nothing against aliens.

I just want, I want to, you know, I just want, I'm not, we're just, I'm just

trying. It's fine. I mean.

It's cool?

We're cool, right? It's fine. I mean, you're human. You did answer me. You did

take the call and now you're on my, in my bed.

Yeah.

Okay. Just a little intergalactic agreement that this is okay.

It's okay.

Great. Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I wish I could feel it

There it is.

Oh.

Oh yeah.

Holy.

Holy.

We'll come back to that.

FUUUUU -

You're the one.

You have the perfect penis.

You must go with me. What?

I gotta go tell my dad about this.

No, no, no.

Where we're going, we don't have...