Original subtitles

You know what?

This is kind of scary, but as a magician, I do counseling, and we were

what we call a camp meeting, which basically consists of eight, nine men,

strip nude, and we go to the woods because we have cabins out there in the

woods. And, you know, it's just guys in the name of Jesus holding hands.

We may be nude, but there's nothing gay about it. We may be nude.

But all of a sudden, out of this creepy, willowy woods, during the prayer

circle, we started to see like this light kind of come down

and then like land right there.

And they asked me jokingly, you're a magician, did you make these appear?

And I said, no, I'm a Christian and they make me feel fear. I was afraid of it.

So immediately the prayer circle broke up.

And there we were standing there nude.

No, no, there wasn't an erection. We were standing there nude.

And all of a sudden, I started to see these like creepy glowing images that,

shit, I'm getting fucking nervous even talking about it.

We started to see this like glowing, I don't know, it kind of looked like, I

don't know, like.

Praise the Lord, like a rave. They were like ravers. They were glowing with pink

and purple and gay greens and greens and blues that just kind of seemed to

mesh into one another. And I think they're still fucking watching me right

I get nervous, you know, because I can't make them disappear.

I kind of settled down a bit, you know, once I have a...

At least found one friend of mine that, you know, would even give me a ride

because I was just kind of wandering, aloofed and out there. And all I could

really remember was the glowing vagina shining down on me.

And the next thing I knew is like, motherfucker, I was like, not even

was somewhere. I thought maybe I had been knocked unconscious.

Check it out. They had motherfucking zebra pillows on the fucking couch.

I mean, I haven't even seen it. I thought that when I did come back that I

actually in the 70s once I found out that I wasn't because the room was so

fucking ugly and tacky. You should have seen the fucking artwork in there. The

artwork looked like a motherfucking chimpanzee got a goddamn paintbrush and

to town on it.

Shit. I almost felt like the 500 -year -old Barry Wyatt.

And then the next thing I fucking know comes this sweet, hot, fucking juicy,

tasty, deliciously delight.

Miss Kitty. I call her Miss Kitty because I think she helped me get packed

the real world. Miss Kitty did. And all she had to use was her vagina.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah.

uh -huh

Bye. Bye.

um

I'm gonna play with my phone.

Thank you.

Hmm.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

And I'm just like motherfucking banging away on her and her fucking ass was like

hitting my fucking right in my fucking cock and You

know what I like I really exploded right in her fucking face,

but you know when she didn't swallow

I kind of knew that I had been taken back in time because when I was on that

spacecraft 500 years ago, 500 years ago from now, I mean, those glowing, and I

do hope it was a woman, glowing alien race people, when they would give me a

blowjob on the ship, they would swallow it and you could actually see the cum go

from their mouth and right down their throats into their bellies because their

skin was like transparent.

And let me tell you, when I was like tagging that fucking pussy, just pile

driving it motherfucking in there, I was on top of the motherfucking world. On

top of the motherfucking world.

Do you have magic shoes?

Yeah, a lot of magic.

Are you ready to lose some more pounds?

I am.

You gotta believe.

You believe?

I believe.

Do I have to clap my hands?

No, not exactly.

I have to clap my heels. My heels. I can clap my heels.

Not quite.

Touch my nose?

Squat and cough?

Really don't know, do you?

Uh -uh. Okay.

Well, first, you've got to give me your hand, and we're going to teleport.

Teleport? Yes.

Is that a new kind of phone?

Kind of.

Okay. All right, now listen. This is what we're going to do.

They got banished.

You banished them?

Yeah. Fairies don't wear pants.

So really that's what I have to do to lose those last extra calories?

That's it.

Burn those pounds off?

Mm -hmm.

That's it.

Okay.

There

you

go.

You know what you're doing.

Workout fairy?

What? Your cock is huge.

That's why you have to earn off those extra pounds.

Oh, shit.

Oh, my God.

You're doing a great job.

Oh, the hand exercise.

Yeah. Oh, my God.

There you go. Like a dumbbell.

There you go.

Like that shaky thing on TV.

Yeah, that shaky thing. Oh, my God.

Oh,

shit.

Tongue exercises?

Almost got slapped in the face by your cock.

Oh, my God.

Oh, sit down.

Terry wants the rest of the bones.

Perfect, because my knees hurt.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Oh, fuck.

Let's pray you back.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Oh.

Oh,

fucking hell.

That's so good. Jesus Christ.

Thanks. Oh, I think it's my turn to return the favor.

Return the favor? Yes.

Am I still going to be working out? Yes.

Here, lay down.

Lay down? Oh, yeah. This way.

There you go.

It looks like yoga? Yes, just like yoga.

Yeah.

part of your workout.

Oh.

Let me brace myself.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, fuck.

It's the best workout that I've ever done. You got the best pussy.

That's the last exercise and you get the you get the golden reward at the end

Provide me.

Provide me.

Provide me.

Jesus,

fuck.

Fuck yeah.

Oh, my God.

Oh, shit.

I need my lunges. I need my lunges.

I can't help it.

So fucking nervous. I didn't smoke 300, 400 years ago. I didn't fucking smoke.

And if they're watching me bang these fucking magic groupies, I didn't know

was up. I mean, I felt like possibly, you know, are they going to send in an

anal probe, you know, probe my anus?

But, you know, that was the scary part with them watching.

And the thing is, is you kind of know that they were watching you.

Okay, Ma.

and go back down to earth and fuck all the bitches like you fuck?

I'm Asian.

You got a deal, buddy.

When do I go back home?

Sounds good.

Be back, motherfucker.

Wow, I don't know.

Do any of these paintings have a date on them? No.

Oh boy.

So what you guys want to do now and stuff?

I think we went back in time. I think you're not an old man anymore.

Maybe not.

Let me see the top of your head.

And he might be black.

No, I'm just saying it gets so dark when I turn... Oh, man.

I'm going to turn Brazilian.

Bronze. Bronze. Bronze.

You know what a good way to turn bronze is?

What?

Sucking Ralphie's penis while he's wearing a Brazil shirt.

Right? Let's do it.

Representation right here.

Why does my dick have lipstick on it already?

Did she already suck my... Do you want to talk in the future? In the past. In

the past?

No, we went in the past.

No, we were in the future. Now we're in the past.

I guess Doc Brown has Marty McFly. I got you two.

Help a man out.

Is her blowjob the same in the past and the future?

Yes. It's still good?

It's still dangerous.

It's like a fine wine. It gets better over time.

um um

I think that's all fair.

I think it's time to lose the dress.

You know, magic has been always the thing that I love really in life. I

love the magic that I do.

And let me tell you something.

You know, when I'm transporting people, that was my biggest, my biggest trick of

them all was teleportation. And I could just like, boom, zip up people. Boom,

zip them up. But you know what?

We just wanted to fuck the girls.

Magic groupies. You know how like rock bands will have groupies? Well,

have groupies too.

And it's like Alakawala Kazam make it appear right in their fucking ear.

But I don't know, man. There was something about teleporting women that

really, really made me feel real good about it because I was so good. I was so

good at teleportation in the fucking...

Jeez, we missed. Can I ask you a question?

Go for it. How much does a polar bear weigh?

What? Enough to break the ice. How you doing?

I'm good. How are you? I'm Ralph.

Good to meet you, Ralphie. I'm James.

I'm a magician.

Oh. Do you like magic?

What? Do you like magic?

Um, sure.

Do you want to see a magic trick?

Yeah. All right. Okay. Close your eyes.

Give me your hand for a second. What are you going to do?

Trust me on this.

I don't know you. Come on, please.

Trust me.

Come in here.

I'll show you the best trick of your life.

Close your eyes.

Are you ready for this, baby?

Yes. Okay.

You've got to believe in it.

Okay. You ready? Yes.

Now close your eyes. All right.

On the count of three, you're going to see something special.

Okay.

One, two, three.

Poof.

Check it out.

Oh, my gosh. Where am I?

It's magic.

This is the secret sex lair, baby.

What? See?

Isn't that chick good?

Oh my gosh.

That's crazy.

Crazy, huh?

How'd you do that?

It's magic. Magic?

You see another trick?

Okay. Ready?

Yeah.

Now do you believe in magic, baby?

It's real.

Wow.

That's right.

It is. This is the best type of workout you could ever get.

I feel a blood pumping in that too. That's right. Oh, shit.

So what do you think?

What do I think?

Jesus. Oh, my God.

You like those? I do.

Ooh. This is some pear.

They're huge.

They're cute, right?

Well,

let me see you take off something.

If I'm going to take off my shirt. Okay.

Let me check this out.

It is, baby.

Oh, my gosh.

Look at that cock.

Oh, my God.

Oh,

shit.

Did you pull that trick with a lot of girls?

Just the special ones. Just the special ones. I like that.

Oh,

shit.

Goddamn. You know what to do.

Now that I have to get this cock wide open inside of me.

Oh my god, yeah.

Oh my

god.

Oh, so good. You like that? Oh yeah.

oh my god

getting

it all warmed up now oh jesus it's so good

Ho ho ho.

No.

Magic Pussy, baby.

There you go.

that's right oh that's a magic pussy

it is oh my god enjoy

it

I feel tight, man. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

He does that.

I don't feel like it.

But it feels really good.

I put the tightness up.

Oh, shit.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, shit.

Oh, yeah, baby.

Oh, yeah, keep going. Keep going. Right there, right there, right there. Oh,

yeah, give it to me. Come on. Come on.

Yeah, shove it in there. Right there.

Suck it, baby.

Fuck you.

You want to sit on this, baby? Yeah, I want to sit on it.

Magic pussy.

Magic pussy.

Holy shit.

And she can blow bubbles.

Oh, my God.

I'd make it disappear, too.

Ready to go home, baby?

How do we do that?

Close your eyes and count to three.

But it was a good fucking life. Being popular and having groupies and just,

know, it was like fucking great. It was like Jesus was delivering me. Jesus did

bring me this.

And I was good with God.

But you know what? Like any fucking thing else in this life, all of a sudden

everything just goes to fucking shit. Everything goes to shit.

The next thing I know, I'm like, bam! Banned from Magic Castle.

And banned from here.

And you're not allowed to play here. Because people won't fucking come and

me. Well, let me fucking tell you. It was just a small, just a small drop to

into the booze and the fucking drugs. Because I was already into the

motherfucking whores. Because we could fuck whores whenever we wanted to. All

a sudden, no pussy.

I'm boozy.

half a motherfucking liter, three liters, four fucking liters, smoking

doing speed, and really, really just falling into that lifestyle. It was a

whole other lifestyle. I was never used to that kind of lifestyle.

Let's see if those numbers are still correct.

Who the fuck is this?

Who else is in here?

Yeah? Are you still alive?

Yeah, I guess.

I'm sending a reporter over to come see you.

A reporter?

Yeah, we want to do a story about you.

About me?

Let's see if your cock's still crooked.

Of course it is.

How dare you insult me like that? Well, she's going to come and find out. She?

Ooh. All right, I'll be ready. I'll be ready.

All right, bye -bye.

Oh, fuck.

Got a special summon for you. Okay.

You need to go out and find the great Ralph Zini.

The great Ralph Zini?

I know he's been retired for a few years.

We need to see if he's still got what it takes.

So we need to see if he still goes to measure up.

Okay. So take this.

Go out and find him.

Get back to me and let me know.

Okay. We'll do.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

You the reporter?

Yes, I'm the reporter.

Oh, yeah, your boss did call. Come on in.

Have a seat.

Have a seat, have a seat.

Oh, God.

So, what do you need to know?

Basically, we wanted to see if you still had it or not.

Had it or not?

Just because I've been out of the abyss for a couple years doesn't mean I still

don't have it. What the fuck?

How dare you insult me like that?

So, we have to measure it to see if the magic from Phoenix still has it or not.

Oh.

So, yeah. All right.

Well, if you need to measure it, I need a little help.

Because you've got to get the full potential, right?

Yeah, the full potential.

Let me see your hand for a second.

There you go.

There you go.

Oh, wow. I think maybe you do have an extra hour.

Get an accurate reading, yeah.

There you go.

That's good reporting right there.

Let me stand up for you, baby. Stand right there.

Want

to

see your eyes, baby?

Whoa, man.

Don't forget about the balls, baby.

Yeah.

Fuck you Oh,

you're

not wearing any panties

We're ready for the great Tulini.

Yeah, that was easy.

Yeah, you just forgot it.

Shit. Fuck you.

You want to really get that accurate measurement, don't you?

Right there, the gravy bean's gonna clean it up, you're fucked up.

Get your tape measure and you get accurate readings, baby.

Here you go,

baby. Here's your fucking thing.

Get accurate readings.

It was a whole eight inches.

There we go.

He's back, baby.

He's back.

Finally, it was about time.

You're the best reporter ever. You're going to get a pay raise for this.

But you know what?

Funny to me, I want to kind of get out of there and get some more of that

motherfucking 25th century pussy.

You know what? This fucking shit is over.

I fucking had it with you fucking reporters and you fucking assholes. I

fucking have to be put through the kind of abuse.

That I've been fucking put for. You want to fuck with me. You want to interview

me. You can fuck yourself.

Because I'm going back up baby.

I'm going back up.

And I'm doing it with a big old motherfucking puff of smoke.