Original subtitles

>> THE LYRICS CLEARLY STATE, "GO

INTO THE WATER.

GO INTO THE WATER.

LIVE THERE.

DIE THERE."

AND MY CLIENTS ALL

TRIED TO BREATHE WATER AND

NEARLY DIED BECAUSE OF THIS

UNDERWATER ALBUM

BY YOUR BAD DETHKLOK.

>> WHY DON'T YOU GO BREATHE

UNDERWATER?

>> I SUGGEST THAT IT WAS YOUR

INTENTION TO CREATE AN ALBUM

THAT CAUSED DESTRUCTION TO HUMAN

LIFE.

>> SUGGEST ALL YOU WANT!

IT WON'T MAKE YOUR WIENIE ANY

BIGGER, YOU DILDO LIZARD!

>> THIS BAND IS A DANGER TO THE

HUMAN RACE.

>> YOU'S A DANGER OF PUTTING US

TO ASLEEP.

I WOULD HAVE BROUGHT A SLEEPINGS

BAG I KNOW THIS GUYS WAS GONNA

SHOW UP.

>> YOUR HONOR, WE DEMAND

$50 MILLION FOR MEDICAL BILLS

AND PUNITIVE DAMAGES.

>> HEY, HOW ABOUT WE COMPROMISE.

>> I'LL GIVE YOU HALF OF

NOTHING.

>> THE ALBUM CLEARLY STATES,

"INTENDED FOR FISH ONLY."

I REST MY CASE.

>> NOT GUILTY.

[HEAVY METAL PLAYING]

[INDISTINCT SINGING]

♪ DETHKLOK DETHKLOK DETHKLOK

DETHKLOK ♪

♪ DETHKLOK DETHKLOK ♪

[CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY

TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP]

>> WELL, THE REAL STUFF.

>> WHATEVER.

>> YOU PREFERRED THAT WE'D LOSE?

>> NO.

I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT THE

NEXT ALBUM.

>> OH, RIGHT.

YOU MEAN HOW WE SUPPOSED TO TOP

AN ALBUM THAT MADE A MILLION

PEOPLE ACCIDENTALLY KILL

THEMSELVES.

>> EXACTLY.

>> OH.

>> HEY, WHY DON'T WE JUST RECORD

PEOPLE DYING?

LIKE ALL THE WORLD LEADERS OR A

BUNCH OF LADIES.

THAT WOULD BE HEAVY.

>> NAH.

WE CAN'T REALLY GET WRITERS'

CREDIT FOR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

>> GOOD POINT.

YOU'RE UP, JUDGE ALFONZO.

>> OH, THANK YOU, WILLIAM.

>> WELL, MAYBE WE SHOULD TAKES A

BREAK.

YOU KNOW, BEING BLEAK AND DARK

FOR A LIVING SOMETIMES MAKES YOU

LOSE YOUR OBJECTIVITY FOR, YOU

KNOW, BEING BLEAK AND DARK.

>> AND NOW WE WILL AUCTION THE

SKULL FROM THE FAMOUS COMEDIAN

BUDDY HACKETT.

WE'LL START THIS BID...$50,000.

>> OH, I GOTS TO HAVE THAT.

>> 50,000.

DO I HEAR 60,000?

>> [GRUNTS]

>> THIS GOING TO BE A LONG

NIGHT.

[GUNFIRE]

>> SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS WE

DO THE OPPOSITE OF BLEAK AND

DARK?

>> YEAH.

>> WHAT'S THE OPPOSITE OF

TRAGEDY?

>> COMEDY.

>> IT APPEARS THAT DETHKLOK

HAS TAKEN TO STUDYING COMEDY.

THIS IS NOT GOOD, GENTLEMEN.

>> ALL DUE RESPECT, SENATOR, HOW

CAN THIS MEAN ANYTHING TO WORLD

ECONOMICS?

>> IT MEANS EVERYTHING.

IT'S TRUE THAT COMEDY HAS BEEN

NO THREAT TO US OVER THE LAST 15

YEARS, BUT WITH DETHKLOK IN THE

MIX, THEY THREATEN TO EXCITE A

FIELD OF ENTERTAINMENT WE ALL

KNOW TO BE DEAD.

GENTLEMEN, OUR COMEDY SPECIALIST

DR. DONALD GORTHIAN.

>> WELL, THE PEOPLE OF THE WORLD

ARE DEPRESSED AND STUPID.

THEY LOOK TO COMEDY TO LIGHTEN

THE LOAD OF THEIR BORING,

DREADFUL LIVES.

THESE IDIOTS HAVE BEEN FORCE-FED

GARBAGE FROM OUR OWN SECRET

CABLE NETWORKS AND OUR OWN

EMPLOYEES COVERING ITS HIGH-

PROFILE STANDUP AND SKETCH

COMICS.

SHOULD WE LOSE CONTROL OF THIS,

ONLY GOD KNOWS WHAT WILL HAPPEN.

>> AUTOBOTS--REMEMBER THOSE?

HOW ABOUT DECEPTICONS?

REMEMBER THOSE?

WHAT ABOUT MASTERS OF THE

UNIVERSE?

HEY, TALK ABOUT EGOMANIACS.

MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE.

"WE'RE MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE."

HEY, AT LEAST THEY AIN'T SMERSH.

HUH?

OR WORSE, SNORKS.

REMEMBER THE--SNORKS.

REMEMBER THOSE?

THAT SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE FALLING

ASLEEP.

SNORK.

SNORKS.

>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE

BE GENTLE.

IT'S THEIR FIRST TIME ON

STAGE--THE BROTHERS OF

DECEPTION.

[SPARSE APPLAUSE]

>> SO, I WAS THINKING OF KILLING

MYSELF.

>> THAT'S FUNNY.

I WAS THINKING OF KILLING YOU,

TOO.

>> WELL, HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?

[PLAYS FAST RIFF]

>> MOM ALWAYS HATED YOU MOST.

>> SHE HATES BOTH OF US THE

MOST.

[PLAYS RIFF]

>> I HATE YOU SERIOUSLY.

>> OK.

WHAT IF YOUR GUTS WAS A BOWLING

BALL?

WELL, I BET IT WOULD LOOK

SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

YEAH.

I'M REAL SICK OF MY BROTHER.

YEAH, WE'RE TWINS.

ANYBODY GOT TWINS OUT THERE?

YEAH, I BET HE DON'T

GOT ONE LIKE THIS.

ME KUATO.

OH, HEY, BODY BAG.

HOW'S IT GOING?

>> SMELLS LIKE SOMEBODY

TOOK A CRAP IN HERE.

>> OH, BODY BAG.

OH, LOOK, BODY BAG.

IT'S YOUR OLD FRIEND'S BRAINS.

>> HEY, IDIOT, I'M BRAINS.

I GO IN YOUR HEAD.

>> OK.

WE'RE GOING TO DELIGHT YOU ALL

WITH A LITTLE IMPROVISATIONAL

COMEDY.

OK.

AND ALL WE NEED TO GET STARTED

IS ONE LOCATION.

>> HOW ABOUT A DIFFERENT COMEDY

CLUB?

>> OK.

I HEARD A GAS STATION.

>> I'M A GAS-STATION ATTENDANT.

>> FILL HER UP.

I AM DRIVING A CORVETTE.

IT'S MIDNIGHT BLUE WITH CHROME--

>> HEY, PIPPIE LONGBORING,

YOU SUCK!

>> CAN YOU FILL IT JUST

A LITTLE BIT FASTER.

>> WELL, I'M DRUNK.

I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO FIND A

GAS CAN.

>> THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S A STOOL,

MURDERFACE.

>> HEY, IDIOT, DON'T NEGATE THE

PREMISE.

>> IT'S ON--IT'S OVER THERE...

WHEREVER.

PLEASE, HERBIE, I WOULD LIKE TO

LEAVE THIS HORRIBLE PLACE.

>> YEAH.

I SHOULD CHECK THE OIL.

I'LL GO GET MY TOOLS.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GONNA LEAVE.

THIS SUCKS.

GOOD LUCK DYING OUT THERE.

>> ARE YOU LEAVING?

>> YES, I'M LEAVING.

>> HEY, UGLY, WHAT ARE YOU JUST

SITTING THERE FOR?

MAKE US LAUGH!

[CROWD BOOING]

>> GET OFF THE STAGE!

GET OFF THE STAGE!

[CROWD CHANTING "GET OFF THE

STAGE"]

>> HELP ME.

HELP ME...

>> CUT KUATO?

I'LL CUT BODY BAG BEFORE I CUT

KUATO.

KUATO STAYS.

KUATO'S GOLD.

>> THE BEST METAL BAND

OF ALL TIME, AND WE

GET BOOED OFF THE STAGE.

>> THEY JUST DIDN'T GET IT.

>> THEY'LL LAUGH AT THE DILDO

WHO IS ON STAGE BEFORE US.

>> THAT GUY WAS AMAZING.

ARE YOU KIDDING?

>> HE IS HORRIBLE, STOKIE.

HE JUST MADE THE REFERENCE.

"REMEMBER THIS?

REMEMBER THAT?"

HE IS DILDO.

>> BUT YOU LAUGH.

>> I DID?

>> HE WAS PRETTY GOOD.

>> HE WAS GREAT!

>> UM, MAYBE WE'LL DO BETTER

TOMORROW.

>> ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I DIED UP THERE.

IT WAS BRUTAL, AND I AIN'T NEVER

GOING BACK UP THERE AGAIN 'CAUSE

I AIN'T FUNNY, AND NEITHER ARE

ANY OF YOU.

I'M DARK AND BRUTAL AND FILLED

WITH HATRED.

I AIN'T GOT NO SENSE OF HUMOR.

YOU WANT TO DO COMEDY, DO IT

WITHOUT ME.

I'M LEAVING.

>> AYE.

COMEDY AIN'T NEVER ABOUT HUMOR.

'TAINT NO DIFFERENCE IF YOU ASK

ME.

>> BUT THAT JUST DOESN'T SEEM TO

MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL.

>> COMEDY IS ABOUT EXPRESSING

YOUR HATE.

THE MORE HATE YOU HAVE, THE

FUNNIER THOSE RUSTY DILDOS

SITTING AT THEM TABLES WILL

THINK YOU ARE.

>> BUT I BOMB, AND I HATE

EVERYTHING.

>> AYE.

BUT DO YOU HATE YOURSELF?

>> HATE MYSELF?

>> AH, YEAH.

ESPECIALLY NOW, EH.

BOMBING ON STAGE, AND MR.

TANGERINE PIGTAILS WENT RUNNING

AWAY.

WILL TAKE SOME TIME FOR HIM TO

RECOVER FROM THAT HORROR HE WENT

THROUGH.

>> I HATE MYSELF.

>> YEAH.

NOW YOU'RE GETTING IT.

AND ONCE YOU CAN GET IN TOUCH

WITH YOUR INNER HATRED, YOU CAN

UNLEASH IT INTO THE WORLD.

AND ONCE YOU EMBRACE YOUR HATE,

YOU WILL MURDER THEM, AND YOU

WILL KILL.

YOU WILL KILL!

>> ♪ STEP BEFORE THE JURY

DRAW YOUR FRIENDS OF FURY

CORPORATE GREED IS DEATH

HATE JUDGES

STEP INTO THE SPOTLIGHT... ♪

[SINGING INDISTINCTLY]

♪ YOU I HATE

AWAIT YOUR DEATH ♪

[SINGING INDISTINCTLY]

>> ALL RIGHT.

EVERYONE DO A CRAPPY JOB.

REMEMBER TO HATE YOURSELVES.

>> OH, YEAH!

>> WELL, I REALLY HATE MYSELF.

>> PICKLE, YOU BACK!

WE THINK YOU LEAVE FOR GOOD.

>> BOMBING ON STAGE REALLY

SCREWED ME UP.

I CAN'T EVEN PLAY MY DOUCHE-BAG

DRUMS NO MORE 'CAUSE OF STUPID

COMEDY.

>> AH, YOU KNOW THERE'S ONLY ONE

WAY TO FIX THAT.

YOU GOTTA GET BACK UP THERE.

>> BUT I CAN'T DO--

>> WHAT, WHAT?

>> THE AUDIENCE.

>> AYE.

THE AUDIENCE.

NOW GATHER ROUND, ALL YA.

I'VE BEEN TALKING A LOT ABOUT

HATRED, BUT THERE'S SOMETHING

BIGGER OUT THERE, SOMETHING YOU

SHOULD HATE EVEN MORE THAN

ANYTHING, AND THAT'S THE

AUDIENCE.

>> AND NOW PLEASE WELCOME TO THE

STAGE PICKLES.

>> SO, ANYSWAYS, I JUST GOT BACK

FROM A VACATION, AND I WENT TO

THE BEACH FOR VACATION.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT I GOT AT THE

BEACH?

SAND.

>> OH, MY EYE!

I CAN'T SEE!

>> OK, ALL RIGHT.

SO I DONATED BLOOD THE OTHER

DAY.

NOT MINE.

GUYS WANT TO SEE ME DONATE SOME

BLOOD TO YOU?

HUH?

DO YOU?

OK.

WOO HOO!

WOO HOO HOO HOO!

>> OH, YEAH!

>> WOO HOO HOO HOO!

WOO!

YEAH!

>> UH, CAN'T TEACH HIM NO MORE.

>> WOO!

YEAH!

[GUNFIRE]

YEAH!

>> UH-OH.

I THOUGHT THIS WAS THE NRA.

ANY OF YOU DILDOS WANT TO

FIGHT, HUH?

WHAT ABOUT YOU, GRANDMA?

HUH?

AW, I'M JUST MESSING WITH YOU.

>> CHIRP.

[CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY

TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP]

[CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL

CAPTIONING INSTITUTE

--www.ncicap.org--]