Original subtitles

I AM A GEAR IN THE WHEEL OF THE CLOCK.

I FEAR NOT MY MORTALITY...

[BUZZER]

[SLURPS]

APPROACH US.

EVERYTHING TO YOUR LIKING, MY LORDS?

ARE YOU AWARE OF THE FATE OF OUR LATEST RESTAURANT HELICOPTER CHEF?

HIS FACE -- HIS FACE WAS SMASHED!

YES, I KNOW.

HE SLIPPED WIS HAND AND FACE SLO HOVAR CROFF.

HO-HOBAR CROFT.

CRAFT.

HOVERCRAFT.

HOVERCRAFT.

THEY'RE TRYING TO TELL YOU THE GUY

GOT HIS FACE SMASHED IN WITH A HOVERCRAFT.

YES, I KNOW.

AND DENSE FROMS DE SORROW, FADOO. HE BLOW HE BRAIN IN.

HE BLOW HE BRAIN OUT.

WHATEVER. IT MAKE A GREAT ALBUM COVERS.

YEAH.

ALL OF OUR CHEFS HAS DIED A HORRIBLE DEATH.

WHAT OF THAT DO YOU THINK?

I WOULD RATHER HAVE MY BRAINS SCOOPED OUT WITH A MELON BALLER

THAN TO MISS THE OPPORTUNITY

TO DELIVER THE VARIOUS CHEESE SNACKS

TO MY BELOVED DETHKLOK.

[SCREAMS]

Pilot: SORRY, M'LORDS, WE'RE CHEWING THROUGH

A FEW THOUSAND DOVES UP HERE.

DON'T WORRY, THE ROTORS'LL GRIND 'EM INTO PASTE IN NO TIME.

AHEM.

OH, FROM THE PRIME MINISTER OF NORWAY.

THERE ARE SEVERAL CASES. THE FINEST WINE.

NO!

WE NEVER DRINK BEFORE A SHOW!

NEVER!

WELL, I WILL GUZZLE ALL DAY.

ME, TOO.

ME, TOO.

ME, TOO.

[DEATH METAL PLAYING]

♪ DETHKLOK DETHKLOK DETHKLOK DETHKLOK ♪

WHOA!

♪ DETHKLOK DETHKLOK ♪

♪ SKWISGARR SKWIGELF TALLER THAN A TREE ♪

♪ TOKI WARTOOTH NOT A BUMBLE BEE ♪

♪ WILLIAM MURDERFACE MURDERFACE MURDERFACE ♪

♪ PICKLES, THE DRUMMER ♪

♪ NATHAN EXPLOSION ♪

LIVE, FROM BATSFJORD, NORWAY,

WHERE OVER 300,000 FANS HAVE TRAVELED TO THE ARTIC CIRCLE

TO SEE THE LEGENDARY METAL BAND DETHKLOK

PERFORM JUST ONE SONG.

SURPRISINGLY, THE SONG ITSELF IS A JINGLE,

A COFFEE JINGLE.

NEVER BEFORE HAVE SO MANY PEOPLE TRAVELED SO FAR

FOR SUCH A SHORT SONG.

THE COFFEE JINGLE FOR INTERNATIONAL COFFEE MOGULS

THE DUNCAN HILLS COFFEE CORPORATION.

IS DETHKLOK SELLING OUT?

"NO," SAYS BAND FRONT MAN NATHAN EXPLOSION.

WE'RE HERE TO MAKE COFFEE METAL.

WE WILL MAKE EVERYTHING METAL.

BLACKER THAN THE BLACKEST BLACK

TIMES INFINITY.

Woman: THEY'RE CALLED "PAIN WAIVERS."

FANS ARE LITERALLY SIGNING THEIR LIFE AWAY,

RELEASING DETHKLOK FROM ANY AND ALL LIABILITY.

MY EYE GOT TORE OUT AND FORCE-FED TO ME AT A SHOW.

DETHKLOK RULES!

IN LONDON, SOME DUDE CHOPPED OFF MY FINGERS AND THREW 'EM UP ON STAGE.

MURDERFACE ROLLED THEM UP AND SMOKED THEM.

MURDERFACE!

DARK CLOUDS HAVE ROLLED IN,

AND STATIC ELECTRICITY IS IN THE AIR!

W-WAIT! WAIT A MINUTE!

IT'S DETHKLOK! IT'S DETHKLOK!

DETHKLOCK, ONE AWAY.

[MUSIC STARTS]

[AUDIENCE SCREAMING]

♪ DO YOU FOLKS LIKE COFFEE ♪

♪ REAL COFFEE ♪

♪ FROM THE HILLS OF COLOMBIA ♪

♪ THE DUNCAN HILLS WILL WAKE YOU ♪

♪ FROM A THOUSAND DEATHS ♪

♪ A CUP OF BLACKENED BLOOD ♪

♪ YOU'RE DYING FOR A CUP ♪

♪ GUATEMALAN BLEND ♪

♪ ETHIOPIAN ♪

♪ FRENCH VANILLA ROAST ♪

♪ YOU'RE DYING FOR A CUP ♪

♪ PREPARE FOR ULTIMATE FLAVOR ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA GET SOME -- NOW ♪

♪ AND SCREAM ♪

♪ FOR THE CREAM ♪

[GUITAR SOLO]

♪ DUNCAN HILLS DUNCAN HILLS ♪

♪ DUNCAN HILLS COFFEE ♪

AS YOU CAN SEE, DETHKLOK IS NO LAUGHING MATTER.

THEY'RE THE WORLD'S GREATEST CULTURAL FORCE.

THE SHORT TIME SINCE THE DUNCAN HILLS COFFEE JINGLE

BATSFJORD MASSACRE FEST,

EVERY OTHER COFFEE COMPANY HAS BEEN OBLITERATED --

COMPLETELY BLOWN OUT OF THE WATER.

FREAKS.

THESE FREAKS, AS YOU CALL THEM, ARE CURRENTLY WORTH BILLIONS.

GENTLEMEN,

SKWISGARR SKWIGELF, TALLER THAN A TREE.

TOKI WARTOOTH, NOT A BUMBLE BEE.

WILLIAM MURDERFACE MURDERFACE MURDERFACE.

PICKLES, THE DRUMMER.

DOODLEY DOO.

DING DONG DOODLEY DOODLEY DOO.

NATHAN EXPLOSION.

I'M AFRAID THAT'S ALL WE KNOW, GENTLEMEN.

I WILL REMIND YOU AGAIN OF THESE SUMERIAN ARTIFACTS.

THE RESEMBLANCE IS INDISPUTABLE.

IF THEY'RE THE ONES THAT WE THINK THEY ARE,

WE SHOULD EXTERMINATE THEM IMMEDIATELY.

NO.

WE WAIT.

WELL, I DON'T THINK ALL OF OUR EMPLOYEES ARE CURSED.

THE CHEFS, THE CHEFS.

OH, THE CHEFS ARE CURSED, YEAH.

YEAH. ACTUALLY, HE'S STILLS ALIVES.

[MACHINES BEEPING]

YEAH.

WELL, I MEAN, HE'LL BE DEAD SOON. THAT'S WHAT I MEANT TO SAY.

OH, COME ON, HUH? HE COULD PROBABLY HEAR THAT.

OH, WAIT. NO, HE CAN'T 'CAUSE HE AIN'T GOT NO EARS.

HOLD ON, IT SAYS HERE THAT KEEPING THIS GUY ALIVE

IS COSTING US $10,000 A DAY.

WHOA!

WELL, HERE'S AN IDEA.

WHY DON'T WE YANKEE DOODLE DANDY?

YOU KNOW, PULL THE PLUG?

WELL, JUST FIRE HIM. LOOK AT HIM, HE'S ALL LAZY.

AIN'T COOKED A DAMNED THING ALL DAY LONG.

LET'S FACE IT. HE'S BRINGING ME DOWN.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS?

DUMB DILDOS GIVE US ALL THE FREE COFFEE IN THE WORLD,

BUT NO INSTRUCTION ON HOW TO COOK IT!

WHOO! I MIGHTS NEEDS TO TAKE

FIVE, SIX PERSONAL DAYS FOR ALL THIS GRIEF.

AH, HERE WE GO AGAIN!

YOU TOOK TWO

PERSONAL GRIEVING DAYS LAST WEEK!

WELL, I WAS DEPRESSED ABOUT COLOR.

YOU'RE DEPRESSED? YOU'RE DEPRESSED?

I'M FAT!

I'M THE FAT ONE!

YEAH, I'M FAT, WE KNOW THAT!

THE ONE THING GOOD ABOUT JEAN PIERRE BEING DEAD

IS MAYBE I WON'T EAT SO MUCH,

AND LOOSE THESE FLABBY DEATH HANDLES.

NO! NO, I'M FAT!

WELL, I'M STARTING TO GET THE HUNGRIES.

BUT IT LOOKS LIKE WE STARVES.

Pickles: WELL, GREAT.

WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?

[sigh] WHAT'S THIS PLACE CALLED?

THIS IS, I BELIEVE, CALLED FOOD LIBRARIES.

FOOD LIBRARY.

IT'S CALLED A GROCERY STORE, YOU DOUCHE BAGS!

SORRY ABOUT "DOUCHE BAGS." I GOT LOW BLOOD SUGAR.

ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE DEAL.

WE HAVE TO DO OUR OWN SHOPPING SO WE CAN MAKE OR OWN DINNER

LIKE REGULAR JAGGOFFS, DO.

NOW YOU'RE ALL IN CHARGE OF PUTTING TOGETHER ONE DISH.

AND DON'T JUST BUY BOOZE.

THAT AIN'T FOOD.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "BOOZE AIN'T FOOD?"

I'D RATHER CHOP OFF MY DING DONG THAN ADMIT THAT.

YOU'D RATHER CHOP OFF YOUR DING DONG THAN NOT DRINK?

YEAH. WOW-WEE!

HEY, GRANDMA, IS THERE OLIVES IN IT?

IN WHAT?

LEMON TART, WRINKLE TIT!

GEEZ.

GOOD, THEN IT'S PEE-PEE TIME.

[GROANS]

HEY, CHIEF, THIS STUFF GOOD FOR SOUP?

NO. AAH, THAT'S A YES.

WHAT IS WALNUTS?

TOKI, LOOK INSIDE OF YOUR BASKET.

GUESS WHAT'S YOU'RE IN SUCH A CRAPPY MOOD.

YOU HAVE LADIES TAMPONS INSIDE OF IT,

AND YOU BUY THEM FOR YOURSELF.

GO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH ALL THE LADIES

AND TELL THEM YOUR PROBLEMS.

YOU LADY, SKWISGARR. NO, I'M NOT!

TWO CUPS OF RICE.

BRUTAL.

OKAY, HOLD ON NOW, SO YOU'RE TELLING ME

THAT YOU PUT THESE LITTLE GUYS IN BOILING WATER

AND THEY SHRIEK, AND THEY TURN RED AND THEY DIE?

YES, SIR.

THAT IS THE MOST METAL THING

I EVER HEARD IN MY WHOLE LIFE.

HIGH FIVE. Nathan on PA: PRICE CHECK!

CLEANUP, AISLE SIX! ROTTED BODY LANDSLIDE!

OH, THAT'S GREAT STUFF.

DON'T FORGET OUR SPECIAL SALE

ON EVERY BONE BROKEN CHICKEN!

GO GET 'EM, NATHAN.

ENJOY OUR TASTY HAMMER SMASHED FACE,

AISLE THREE.

I LOVE TO LAUGH.

HI. HI.

GUESS WHAT. YOU ARE A GMILF.

THAT IS A GRANDMOTHER THAT I WOULD LIKE TO --

SEE, I TOLD YOU GUYS. WE DON'T NEED NO CHEF.

PUT IN THE INGREDIENTS IN THAT THING THERE.

OH, NO, WE LEAVES ALL THE FOODS

AT THAT FOODS PLACE!

[SCREAMING]

JEAN-PIERRE. JEAN-PIERRE!

COOK SOMETHING.

COME ON, DON'T BE A DICK. BE A DUDE.

YEAH, COME ON.

[ALL PLEADING AT THE SAME TIME]

IT'S OVER.

BY THE POWER OF ALL THAT'S EVIL,

I COMMAND YOU TO AWAKEN

AND MAKE ME A SANDWICH!

THERE'S ONLY ONE THING LEFT TO DO --

KILL OURSELVES.

DUDES, WE WOULD HAVE TO SEW HIM BACK TOGETHER TO GET HIM TO COOK FOR US.

YEAH, BUT WE SUCH SCREW-UPS

THAT HE WOULD BE SEWN BACK TOGETHER WRONG.

WHOA! THAT'S A GOOD SONG TITLE.

CAPTIONING PROVIDED BY TURNER STUDIOS