Original subtitles

I'm so pleased we started making our dates biweekly.

They're so blissful I just lose track of time.

We finish in 15 minutes.

This is just perfect.

There's nothing I'd change about you,

or our relationship, or me.

No? You wouldn't change yourself to be more empathetic

or self-aware or a better listener?

Sorry, darling, I didn't catch any of that.

Couple's photo?

This is my trusty point and shoot.

I videoed the Bush vs Gore debates on this thing.

What, were you just filming the TV screen?

Yep.

Smile!

THROUGH SMILE: How long's the timer?

Oh, it's recording, my love. Capturing every moment.

CHORAL SINGING

TANNOY: Remember, God is always watching. Not in a creepy way.

Can we talk here? Are they listening?

That just lets you hear the sermon while you're shitting.

It's a good system.

I've had my most prayerful experiences in that cubicle.

It doesn't feel secure.

So, fill me in on your night of passion.

He, um...made me a birthday cake.

OK.

Did he burst out of it?

Eat it off you? Were you the plate?

No, we just...

..had it together.

Wow.

That is incredible gossip. Do you mind if I smoke?

I get cravings when I'm bored.

It... It was sweet.

You're disappointed.

No... I thought you were a pleasureless chastity droid,

but you're just a bag of ugly chemicals like everyone else.

This is your fault. You made me believe he was going to kiss me,

and instead...

..he just said we were friends.

He probably only said that cos you're so buttoned up.

If I were to free associate a Rachel word cloud, it'd be stuff like

petrified, puritan, sexually repressed,

sexless, no sex. Yeah, OK.

Look, you're a woman with a human right to pursue love, liberty,

and dick, or at least hands stuff.

If you're so worried about it, you could just ask him out.

Shit. I've blown your actual mind.

Just don't get caught and exiled from your whole family.

The thought that this could ruin my entire future

makes this a lot less exciting.

You and me are really different.

Oh, my goodness.

Andrew looks... Oh, the Lewises!

Totally ridiculous. I know.

Forgive the Lycra. It's the official colours

of the '96 British rowing team.

DAVID SCOFFS I've heard it all now.

So you're a wannabe? An aquatic wannabe?

Quite right, David. I was selected but didn't compete.

Selected? What, at county level?

County, national, and Olympic. HE CHUCKLES

Ah, I see you're admiring Mary's tree. Who's Mary?

Andrew's wife, David.

Right. Andrew's dead wife.

She's from a fragile Japanese seed stock.

Ordinary soil could kill her.

But now I've boxed her in an enriched loam, she is thriving.

Excessively thriving. That tree has grown into my airspace.

It needs pruning. David...

Mary was so full of life, it's no wonder she's sprouting so strongly.

I suppose I could cut it back a tiny...

Size her down or I will. I don't care whose soul is inside.

Right.

You're ten minutes late, Rachel. Yours is cold on the table.

If I'd kept it warm in the oven, you'd never learn.

Sister Angeli and I were reading Psalms and...

..got lost in the poetry of the language.

It can happen.

Aaron, didn't we say you'd stop drawing people being purged?

We said no family. These are other kids.

Huh, weird.

They look uncannily like boys from your school.

Rob and Tom, yeah.

Look closely. You can see Tom's screen reflected back in Rob's eye.

Oh.

Maybe you should take a break from drawing, Aaron.

Art is about feelings, Dad.

If I don't draw, I'll bottle them all up.

Yes, good. Bottle them up.

Can I ask a question?

Please, let's talk about a less weighty topic.

If I was excluded, would you shun me?

GULPS

Could you do that to your own daughter?

David, a word.

Do you not have an answer?

We do. I just want to make sure your father knows what it is.

David, this feels like an important parenting moment.

Mm. Like when she asked why a loving God would create nits.

Would we really be able to cut her off?

Simple. We say we would shun her,

then she'll never step out of line and we won't ever have to.

Oh, that's smart, Fiona.

OK, let's let her know in a sensitive way.

Rachel, to answer your question, of course we'd shun you.

We'd shun you every day of the week.

ANDREW: And thanks for bearing with me.

This is the first meeting I've ever chaired.

Yes, it showed.

What was that, David? Please do share.

I said Andrew's inexperience as a novice really showed.

Now, there's a reason we've been discussing adultery today.

Unfortunately, Sister Levi has had an annulment.

WOMAN SOBS Oh, dear.

FYI, an annulment is not divorce.

The chapter's divorce rate remains at zero.

And your annulment rate?

That's classified.

Elder Samson likes to keep a tight lid on information.

It took me a whole year just to learn his real first name. Abijah...

The mysterious Bartholomew Samson...

Abijah!

Annulment means the union never took place.

Sister Levi was never married,

and that man and his boyfriend were never in the Order.

SISTER LEVI SOBS Hey, it's not your fault

he wanted to be one flesh with his personal trainer.

Garden of Gethsemane!

Please be sensitive, David.

Gone are the days of overtly homophobic

Order pamphlets preaching damnation.

So you're OK with LGBTQ+ people?

Totally. Yes. No.

We're not OK with them.

Well, he says that, but he's liberalising. Yesterday, he had

some rainbow Skittles. He wouldn't have done that two years ago.

Let's use this as a reminder to listen to each other.

I don't need a reminder to listen to my wife, Andrew.

David, could you lower your voice, please? Sweetie, David's talking.

Communication can prevent problems such as adulterous images.

I should never have got him that subscription to Men's Health.

DAVID SCOFFS It's not cheating to look at an image.

Adultery is if you hold hands or kiss lips, right, Samson?

No. Desiring an image is adultery.

Oh. MUFFLED CHATTER

Right, well, we'll leave David to ponder whatever is he's done.

Let's wrap up.

So if she never married,

are her kids the result of extramarital sex?

We're wrapping up.

SISTER LEVI SOBS

Lemon squash, please. Make it a stiff one.

I've got a lot on my mind.

Sister, can I trust you with a personal secret?

Yes, of course. Yeah.

You see, the Elders have been asking when I plan to remarry.

How do you feel about that?

I still miss Mary a lot. I sometimes haul my rowing machine outside

just to exercise by her memorial tree.

As the wind hits the branches, I can almost hear her critiquing my form.

"Glutes and thighs, Andrew.

"Glutes and thighs."

I've been wearing her wedding ring on this chain

for the last five years.

I think it may be time.

Could I perhaps entrust you to keep it safe for me temporarily?

It's just a discreet favour. It's not a big deal.

Not a big deal. Oh.

Oh.

QUIET GASPS

Yeah. Sorry.

Just, um, our little secret. SHE CLEARS THROAT

Yeah.

Nice and cloudy. 4:1 - that's the David ratio.

Now, remember, kids, this is watercolour.

Really wet that canvas.

Run it under a tap if you have to.

Respectfully, Miss Simmonds, are you qualified to teach Art?

Of course not, Aaron.

I'm not qualified to teach Maths or History either, but here we are.

Oh, wow.

This is... Jesus and John the Baptist.

My parents asked for less violence,

so I drew them enjoying the rejuvenating waters of the Jordan.

Yeah. Yeah, they're really enjoying them.

This is really impressive, Aaron,

and I'm proud of you for being so brave.

I just want to let you decide

whether or not we display it to the class,

just cos kids can be so cruel.

I've already put my test sketches up over there.

LAUGHTER

So the whole class has already seen it.

Great.

JOSH: Hey, what's up?

I was hoping to have a chill one today,

but apparently I'm about to be served a court document...

Josh, we need to talk.

I like you, but the rules say what we're doing is wrong,

and my parents will shun me if I don't follow those rules.

Right. But maybe if they'd shun me, that means they don't really care

about me and I should make my own choices. Uh-huh...

But the rules are there to protect us from moral hazards, so... Right.

I need to think more.

We were just going to watch a film.

That was really weird.

MELISSA: Got down on one knee? Wow.

For you, that's like getting a full dick pic.

Oh, sh! There's nothing between us.

I'm very happy with my husband, Andrew.

That was a mistake. Obviously, I meant to say Andrew.

Oh, relax, Fiona. I know it's not easy

being married to a mushroom-headed clot.

Speak of the mushroom and it will appear.

You unleash your womanhood. I'm off to get a spray tan.

Next time you see me, I'll be the colour of an Oompa Loompa,

the problematic ones from the '70s.

Um, David, we need to talk.

Believe me, Fiona, I know.

I have something to confess.

OK. Well, can we speak about my things first?

A dark, disturbing confession.

Yesterday's session made me realise...

..I've not been faithful.

This is my Tupperware of sin.

Pop the lid off, and if you can still bear to look at me,

let's talk.

Well, you're still here.

That's something. David, what the hell am I looking at?

I'll excuse the blasphemy. I know I've hurt you.

I've got no idea what this is.

The buxom woman in the sun bonnet holding the grape-laden tray?

I fantasised about us...together.

You mean...

I imagined us lying in bed while she...

..stroked my hair and told me about the drying process,

how grapes become raisins.

But the rabbit hole goes still deeper.

This is from a perfume ad. I couldn't even tell you her name.

David, this barely even sounds sexual.

I've broken our marriage vows! No, you haven't.

Promise me you won't make a big deal out of this.

I've called a crisis meeting with the Elders.

I know it might seem... Humiliating?

Yes. Mm-hm.

But to find happiness, we must cleave to the rules.

THEY CHATTER

JEERING AND LAUGHTER

BOYS LAUGH

THEY JEER AND LAUGH

Loser!

So, this is it - judgment for the worst thing I've ever done.

I'm sorry there's so few of us.

It's difficult to get a full quorum for such a minor infraction.

I'm human trash. I'd like to make it clear

I don't think this is necessary. She's being polite.

I know she's deeply offended by what I did.

No, I'm not. She's distraught!

You do seem distraught, Fiona.

Yes, I'm distraught this is happening. Please make it stop.

Request has been made.

The meeting must be held. Well, can we keep it very quick?

I do not want our neighbour Andrew finding out about this.

Morning! Andrew's actually leading the meeting.

Oh!

So, David sent the church this box. I'm told it contains pornography.

That's correct.

Is the porn hidden under the raisin packets?

Don't you see? I coveted the women in these pictures.

But you never made use of online pornographic resources?

Excuse me? Pornhub? YouPorn?

As a teenager, I succumbed to these temptations.

I can admit that here among friends. What are you writing there, Elder?

I'm extending your probation by six months.

But I was just... Would you prefer nine?

Are you saying this doesn't constitute adultery?

They're not naked, David. I can say with confidence

that David has never seen any woman other than me naked.

And even then, not for some time.

She might as well be naked with that coquettish smile.

PHONE VIBRATES

Fiona, I don't think you should really take that... Hello?

I don't think this warrants further action, David.

You haven't even accessed online pornography. And by the sounds of it, you wouldn't even know how.

Aaron's in trouble at school. Well, it seems I am to conduct

my own penance. I'm sorry that from your high towers

you can't see how truly depraved I am.

This will remain private, right?

You can make the minutes public record. I won't hide my shame.

Would you like a hug, Fiona? Yes, please.

What kind of school is this? You've got kids ganging up on my son.

You're teaching there were dinosaurs.

You're not on board with dinosaurs?

Pretty sure if there was such a thing as a triceratops,

it would have come up in Genesis. Let me reassure you, David,

The boys who did this to Aaron will, of course, be suspended.

And the dinosaurs? The boys will be suspended. Good.

Make it like they never existed.

Just like your so called Archaeopteryx.

I believe they were bullying Aaron because of a picture he drew.

Oh, he probably sketched them being disembowelled or something.

I knew this was going to cause...

Hm. Apparently, they're his Bible heroes.

Impressively detailed. Yes.

So many details.

Obviously, young kids can be very intolerant. Intolerant?

What are you implying?

Do I need to imply?

I'm...going to take my son home now.

Aaron!

And I'm taking the drawing. To hang it up?

To unpack its meaning.

What have you got there, Dad? A raisin packet.

Which I'm enjoying for the fruit it contains. For the right reasons.

It's been a long day.

The powers that be refused to accept that I cheated on your mother.

Right. When you find someone you love, you have to fight for them.

Let no obstacle stand in your way.

Even if you do hear the siren call of a certain...cardboard maiden.

Oh.

Thanks, Dad.

For the advice.

Heading out? See you in a couple of weeks.

What?

I've got a whole plan, Rachel.

Ah!

Ah!

Fiona.

I know I've wronged you, but I have the solution.

You're going to finally listen to what I have to say.

I'm going on penance to my uncle's holiday home.

What? That dilapidated trailer isn't a holiday home, David.

The water supply is contaminated by agricultural runoff.

It'll just be me, the plywood walls and my sins.

And Aaron. I'm taking Aaron with me. OK.

There's a deeper issue here.

A long-term issue. Long-term, yes.

I've been amassing that Tupperware for years.

You're just not listening to me! I will be heard! I WILL BE!

What is that?!

Oh, yes. For you. 4K.

If the man in the store is to be believed,

Mary's visions of Gabriel didn't look this good.

But if you wanted to talk more... Do what you need to do. Thank you.

That's very mature.

My son and heir.

Are you concerned about what I drew? No, Aaron.

No, I'm concerned that you're unhappy,

that I haven't been there for you. I want to rectify that.

So, here's the plan.

We go away to an isolated trailer.

That's it? That's it, Aaron.

The Stairway to Heaven is real.

And her name is the M64.

Hey. You came back.

That would have been one of the weirdest farewells of all time.

Felt like you were trying to break-up with me.

Well, that's not technically possible.

Seeing as we're not exactly...

I don't get it.

If he just told her about his ex, none of this would be happening.

You haven't learned romcom shorthand yet.

Soon the plot holes will wash over you like soothing rain.

He's going to start kissing her in ten seconds.

Don't think so, Josh.

There's a storm

and she's yelling at him,

and now she's pushing him. And...

OK. You win.

MOANING ON TV

WOMAN ON TV: Please don't go back to Delaware.

Josh, um...

I don't think we should kiss unless we're going out.

OK.

Do you want to go out?

OK, do you wanna pick some music? Have you got Worship Songs Volume 3?

Erm...got Volume 4.

Volume 4's trash.

There's this tape left by the previous owners, but those people

hung novelty dice from the mirror. They were gamblers.

Big fluffy gamblers.

Let's try it. OK.

Steal your soul, Aaron. I'm opening Pandora's box.

SONG: Build Me Up Buttercup

# Why do you build me up Build me up

# Buttercup, baby

# Just to let me down Let me down

# And mess me around

# And then worst of all Worst of all

# You never call, baby

# When you say you will Say you will

# But I love you still

# I need you I need you

# More than anyone, darlin'

# You know that I have from the start

# So build me up Build me up

# Buttercup, don't break my heart... #

This track never gets old, Aaron.

It's our song now. You and me.

An enduring symbol of our unbreakable bond.

TAPE RIPS, MUSIC STOPS

Hm.

# Why do you build me up Build me up

# Buttercup, baby

# Just to let me down Let me down

# And mess me around

# And then worst of all Worst of all

# You never call, baby

# When you say you will Say you will

# But I love you still

# I need you I need you

# More than anyone, darlin'

# You know that I have from the start... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media