Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language.

BABY CRIES

Thank you. Brother Lewis.

Could I speak to the elders before you?

My baby's not well and I really need their advice.

That does sound urgent.

You should see them as soon as you've waited your turn.

DOOR OPENS

Next!

Why wasn't I promoted?

A reminder, this drop-in is for urgent matters of faith, David.

Yes. And we don't consider being made elder a promotion.

Yes. Do you still want to ask your question?

I do. Elder Abijah, you can cover this.

I've actually got to... You'll cover it.

HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

So, David, you should know the vote wasn't unanimous.

Sure, 11 elders voted for Andrew, but one voted for...

Oh, no, no.

Elder Danforth's vote was void. He's 91.

He ticked both boxes and then posted the slip through his own letterbox.

But we did have lots of applicants.

Who applied apart from me and Andrew?

The point is that God loves you,

and I'd encourage you to focus on that, eh?

What do you say?

The big G invites you to bask in his love.

Are you going to RSVP with a big, fat hallelujah?

No. Was it Andrew's cologne?

The man smells like an embalmed king.

He does smell nice. Um...

All I'd say is that we'd encourage you to look within.

As Jesus says, first, take the log out of your own eye,

but don't worry too much.

The order's about having fun, too.

Is that caffeine-free cola?

No, David, this is the forbidden full caf.

Last week I shared some of this with a non-believer,

just to show that us order peeps also know how to have a good time.

I don't think the other elders are going to begrudge me

a tiny little caffeine boost.

Put that cola down.

I'll deposit it in the outside bin.

I wish I could trust you to do that.

Elder Samson's such a joker.

He told me if I'd joined his old congregation,

I'd never have been made elder. He makes that joke a lot.

See you, David.

BABY GRIZZLES

Your turn.

CAR HORN HONKS

Fiona!

That's a lot of shopping. Didn't feel like driving?

No, the car gets me home faster, which means more time to kill,

which means to do things like overgroom the cat

or run a wash cycle just to watch the drum go round.

Well, I'd ask you more, but I don't want to be sad.

Would you like 150 utility bags?

Need more context? Yes, please.

I've just upsized my designer furniture shop

and the new premises is rammed with unsold stock.

So business is good?

Divorce is good.

I got 80% of the house and a shocking chunk of her pension.

Why did you think of me?

Your religion.

See, someone like me might describe this as hideous,

whereas someone like you...

Might see that it could hold upwards of 50 preaching pamphlets.

And any surplus, you could sell on,

As a sort of side hustle.

Like my own business?

Exactly. The order says women will be fulfilled

by making the home their work.

And have you personally found that?

No, but I've only been doing it 17 years.

You'd be helping me out. Good Christian act.

You are Christian, aren't you?

Just checking I've got the right pressure points. Want to hop in?

Really? Of course. You're taking the bags, yeah? Yes. Of course.

VAPE HISSES

So are your parents proud of your grades?

They told me that university was a path to vice.

It's a path to freedom, knowledge and self-expression.

They think those things are vice.

And you still want to do medicine?

Yes, but dad says a six-year course is pointless

because God will shatter the Earth by 2025. Yeah.

This is for work experience.

You'll need it if you want to stand out.

Coldhurst retirement home. Well, you can't become a doctor

until a ward of pensioners have mistaken you for their daughter.

Plus, it'll be motivating.

They'll tell you all about their unfulfilled dreams.

I just need your mobile number.

I don't have a mobile. Your home phone, then?

Oh, I'd never get there before Dad.

He thinks we get charged per ring.

Rachel, I don't want to alarm you, but this is a competitive field.

Some of the girls you're up against will have telephones.

OK.

I'll get a phone. Great.

In six short years, you could get your medical licence, sell out,

and then become a TikTok medfluencer

making seven figures off the ignorance of the vulnerable.

Do not squander that.

Sorry, Gideon, I'll put it down gently.

I know you don't like loud noises.

Not on this table, David!

There was two centimetres of clearance, Fiona.

Any damage to that cat is purely psychological.

Family meeting!

So I'm sure you're wondering why I wasn't promoted.

Well, the elders have revealed the truth,

and the reason... was you.

That's what they said, was it?

They said to remove the log from your eye.

And after much soul-searching, I realised that log is my family.

This is from the archives to help us.

Are those the original order rules?

Nobody follows them, David.

They're weird and outmoded.

There's a map of Israel in there

I don't think any side would agree with.

God's rule is law. It says here not to eat bison on the new moon.

And I'll give that up, Aaron.

For God, we need to confront our decadence.

Dad, I was just wondering... what's going on?

Your father's just subjugating the family.

What was your question?

So, most girls my age have mobile phones,

so I was just wondering

if I needed to call while I was out ministering.

We minister as a family.

You're usually inside and always within screaming distance.

But since you're keen to minister solo,

how about you preach two hours each evening for the week?

Was that just a suggestion?

It started as a suggestion.

Then it was a good idea.

And now it's a command, an immutable command.

Well, David, if you're done disappointing your daughter,

I'll get back to my preaching bags.

Melissa gave them to me.

I'm selling them online.

Selling them? Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Put down that merchandise. Put it down.

The book says women can't work in online retail?

It says womenfolk have no place in the agora,

the eBay of the time.

You want to kill my ambition for a rule you learnt two minutes ago?

Of course I don't.

OK.

God does.

Now, Aaron, my beady eye turns to you.

Drawn us in hell?

Don't hate the truth, Dad.

The Romans hated it so much that they nailed it to the cross.

KNOCKING AT DOOR

I'm coming back to fix you.

Hi, David. Just stopping by for a friendly visit.

Are you gonna remove the chain, or...?

How's being an elder?

Lots of unpleasant responsibilities?

Well, the first duty's been deciding which Biblical name to take.

And the one I've gone for is - you'll really like this, David -

Elder...

..Andrew.

Make a point or leave, please.

How are you getting on with our good friend Joel?

Oh, Joel.

I'll make a start with him soon.

Aren't you due to be speaking to him now?

It's just that he's been sending me text messages.

"Looking forward to the meeting in 20 minutes."

Then, "Should be here in ten."

Then, "He's not here." Then, "He's not coming, is he?"

Oh, fine.

I'll do it. Thanks, David.

If you ever need anything... Oh!

So the seeds that fell on the fertile soil, they became...

Do you ever mark people down to never be visited again?

We have a blacklist for people who abuse or swear us.

Right.

Um...

Fuck... Fuck... off?

Am I on the blacklist now? Sure.

Thanks. Thanks so much.

I can't talk to you, you know.

This is my first preaching visit to this non-believer.

Do you want to brief me on any salient information?

There is no salient information.

Non-believers are all the same,

dead-eyed clones blocking out the truth.

How about his name?

Clones, Aaron.

They're clones.

Right. This is where I fix you.

HE KNOCKS

You're about to watch a master at work.

You'll see the Bible speak through me as a divine envoy.

Ah, David, you're finally... Out of the way.

We're here to save you.

You don't mind my son being here while I minister, do you?

Well, some of the stuff's quite, um... intimate.

Great. Let's start with that. If you prefer, I can leave the room.

No, Aaron, you have a right to hear this man's depraved life story.

I thought you said no judgment. Please.

I'm talking to my son.

Now, I'm going to listen in quiet humility, OK?

Well, my girlfriend left me six weeks ago.

Oh, wow.

I love getting these. One sec.

SHREDDER WHIRS

Right, second day of your journey to salvation.

So it's really just you doing these visits?

Because Andrew seems so nice.

Do you only have two types of biscuits?

Yep.

So you ignored yesterday's feedback. OK.

So what's it like being a kid in the order world?

Worldly kids at school make fun of me,

but in the afterlife, I'll get to watch them burn

through my own special window.

Your window? It'll be my personal paradise, Joel.

There will be a window.

Oh, please, use a coaster.

It's an original Noguchi coffee table.

My ex bought it for me.

Joel, we're guests in your house.

Of course I'll respect the rules.

So, let's talk about your relationship's most painful moments.

Just four or five examples. Go.

I can't have coffee.

No stimulants.

It's decaf.

Oh.

DOG WHINES

I'm good at remembering weird rules that were screamed at me aged nine.

Once, I accidentally ate some tiramisu.

My dad said I had to throw it up.

Did you? Did I make myself sick just because someone told me to?

Yes. I thought you said you weren't allowed to talk to me.

Well, I'm not talking to you,

just thanking a stranger for coffee. Nice.

DOG BARKS

No, no! Keeps trying to run off. His name's Ricky Hatton,

so calling out for him's a bit weird.

Can you not just call him Ricky?

He only responds to the full name.

Why are you doing so much door to door?

I asked my dad for a phone and instead,

he took away all my evenings for a week.

What do you need a phone for?

Work experience, which I need if I want to go to uni and...

..be a doctor. ..Get away from the order.

Well, enjoy the decaf.

Real coffee's great,

but I guess that's the price of living in fear.

I don't live in fear.

Oh, shit.

Oh, I think this is the decaf.

Oh! Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh.

They were both decaf, Rachel.

Ugh!

See you tomorrow.

So Aaron, it's been three visits now and I haven't felt much community.

Do you feel you have a community? Sure.

I mean, I haven't got any friends, but I draw lots.

Look.

David, where did you find that cup?

Oh, from some chintzy armoire in your hallway.

My antique cabinet - that's not meant to be drunk out of.

Any liquid hotter than 40 degrees would strip the patina.

Ooh, that's hot.

I guess I can forget about tasting these custard creams.

OK, maybe we should end these sessions.

You seem socially maladjusted,

and I think your son has anger problems. My son idolises me.

David, he's drawing you in an acid bath.

Joel, if you've got an issue with me, say it to my face.

I have an issue with you.

I'm saying it. Well, here's another issue.

I'm putting this down without a coaster.

Clearly, I only meant to leave a ring.

CAMERA CLICKS

Fiona, I've noticed that you and your husband

sleep in two separate single beds.

David likes to push them together on special occasions,

but the table makes that difficult.

So why'd you put the table there, then?

I just told you.

DOOR OPENS DOWNSTAIRS

David's back. Maybe we should pause while I talk to him.

Fiona, if I paused with my ex, I wouldn't have a new kitchen.

Fight back. Get the marble countertops and the chrome taps.

Darling?

What the...?

Melissa, why is there a stranger in my personal kingdom?

We're taking business photos for the website.

Fiona, this book is clear on what is seemly

and what is unseemly.

Hmm, thousand-year-old book versus two living women.

This'll be good. As the patriarch,

God caused me to lead this household.

Don't make me use that divine power.

Use it. Go on, then.

OK.

Fiona, as God's patriarch... I want to do the business, David.

Then you have my permission.

Well done, big man.

Now, get out.

Can I come in to change my shirt?

No. You can come back in the room

when I'm done making money and I'm a money magnet, David!

Money magnet!

Was that good? A little too good.

But I'm here for it.

KNOCKING AT DOOR

Ugh. Is it urgent, Andrew?

I've just emancipated my wife and I'm feeling pretty low.

Just returned from Joel's house.

Apparently, you attacked an expensive collector's item

with another expensive collector's item.

It was a lesson, to teach him the real value of worldly possessions.

Well, the real value was five grand.

He'd like you to reimburse him. What?

It was an accident. I only meant to cause superficial damage.

Fortunately, I've convinced him to forgive you.

I've also persuaded Elder Samson not to revoke any of your privileges,

even though this is, to his memory,

the most disgraceful thing any ordinand has ever done.

Thank you.

Given the situation, I'll be looking after Joel from now on.

Sorry, David. Obviously, Andrew is your buddy,

but Elder Andrew...

..he must walk a different path.

Well, Andrew might not see the benefits of my ministering style,

but Aaron clearly does.

Look at this drip technique.

He's moved on to abstract art.

No more violent images of...

Hmm.

He probably started that weeks ago.

He started as soon as he came back from Joel's. Right.

I'm done. A whole week of night preaching. 80 doors, 100 pamphlets.

Nearly lost my finger to a razor-sharp letterbox.

Number 38. I know it well. But I'm done.

Rachel, I've been reflecting.

I think it's only right to reward your labour after all.

You mean... Dad, really?

This has seen history.

You couldn't get me a new one?

They don't build them like this any more, Rachel.

POWERING-UP TONE

Look at that battery life.

10%, and it hasn't been plugged in since 9/11.

Look alive.

Try the home phone.

Is it ringing?

It's getting really warm.

Great. Respect the awesome power it grants you.

PHONE HINGES CREAK

OUTSIDE: Ricky Hatton!

Ricky!

Mr Hatton?

DOG BARKS

Ricky Hatton!

You found him, then? Yeah. Peace offering.

Peppermint, for the sake of both of our souls.

But drink quickly. The mug's absence will be noticed.

Mmm, can't wait to chug this scalding liquid.

PHONE BEEPS

Oh, you got a phone? Yeah.

It leaks battery acid and can't text or call. Just as well.

Which means I can give you my peace offering.

Good as new.

Oh, my gosh.

It's just my old handset.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I guess if I needed to message you,

for help with the phone, I mean, your number's on here?

No.

You can't bring yourself to ask me, can you? Put it on.

HORSE RACING COMMENTARY ON EARPHONES

Miss? You asked to see me in your office.

I did say that, and it made me feel very powerful.

Rachel, congratulations.

You're officially an unpaid volunteer.

You start ladling medically thickened gravy on Monday.

They picked me? From a field of zero applicants.

They picked me! What a great day, my favourite people succeeding,

and a crazy man smashed my ex's coffee table.

He's crushed, Rachel.

And his libido was already so fragile.

How's my phone, Rachel?

So many memories - hours texting my dad

about how the Old Testament predicted the credit crunch.

Yeah, it's been... great, Dad.

Now, Fiona, I know I gave my permission for your business,

but not everyone's so liberal about bags, OK?

I wouldn't mention it to the congregation.

Thank you for the advice, David.

GENIAL CHATTER

Sister Lewis, you've given our chapter its own de facto uniform.

Now we can all band together,

I'm sure there'll be fewer harassment incidents.

Or more, since we're easier to spot.

But, hey, if women could be elders, you'd be a shoo-in.

And honestly, I could see that rule changing one day. I can't.

But thank you for donating the proceeds. Thank you.

If you'll excuse me, I might go speak with my...

Is it prideful to say fans?

My fans.

INAUDIBLE CHAT

David. You'll see I'm on the gold cola.

No caffeine.

It tastes... Well, really quite different, actually.

Thankfully, Samson's been pretty chill about the whole thing.

Abijah, you're on probation. Pop your scarf back on.

Squash, strong.

I've realised something.

When you told me to look within,

you weren't just talking about my family's mistakes, were you?

You were talking about my own. Yes.

We were talking exclusively about you, David.

Your pride, your tendency to blame external factors

instead of yourself. Hmm.

I'd like to return this to the archives.

Is that a first edition of our oldest maxims?

They're horrendously outdated, them. I thought we burnt them all.

"Love thy neighbour" has an asterisk leading to a big list of exceptions.

Shred it, Abijah. Pulp the remains.

PHONE BUZZES

VOICE NOTE FROM JOSHUA: Wow, your first text.

Welcome to the information age.

Don't mind me, Rachel.

Just destroying this book of forbidden knowledge.

MESSAGE PLAYS AGAIN: Wow, your first text.

Welcome to the information age.

Just a pilgrim on a journey

Well, I got no time to tarry here

Don't you stop me

Cos I'm going to a land where skies are clear

And I ain't got time

To linger longer

I ain't got time

To stop today.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media