Original subtitles

Samson said baptism is a test from God.

If he doesn't accept me?

What if nobody does?

Aaron, I will always defend who you are.

I promise you'll rise from the water a new man,

independent and self-sufficient like me.

Do you want me to tie it? Yes, please.

OK. Last boxes. And before you ask why I'm in black,

I'm still in mourning for my dignity.

Fiona, you weren't sick on Andrew's actual wife,

just the symbol of their undying love.

That's worse.

Actually, now I've said it out loud, it is worse.

TV PLAYS

PHONE BUZZES

You can't be here! My family's inside.

I'd just like to speak to you about the air ambulance.

What?

I know the air ambulance has had problems recently.

There's been a lack of transparency about, um... its past.

But if you'd like to be a part

of its rehabilitation story, read this.

Thanks, but I'm not sure I do want to be a part of it.

Your charity just really let me down...

..when I needed it.

Rachel, you should talk to Julia.

Please just go.

Huh, charity workers.

Imagine knocking on doors to force your ideology on people.

It boggles the mind.

Have you seen my friend Julia?

She's not answering her phone. She's about this high.

She wears, like, chunky trainers. Shoplifts all the time?

Yeah. I banned her for life.

She tried to swipe a whole Chupa Chups carousel.

It was like she wanted to get caught.

Are you going to buy summat?

What's that?

Oh, the most caffeine you can legally buy in one can.

SHE PUTS COINS DOWN

I feel bad enabling this.

MAN: You've got another one to get in.

Are you sure you've got enough room? Yeah, it'll all fit.

They're taking forever.

Ooh, my back's about to go.

I'd like to speak to an elder.

That's strange. I thought I heard something there,

but I can't be sure. I want to come back.

Abijah, did you just say something then?

Well... No, you didn't.

I'm making an official request under the charter to return.

Come on, Dad.

After three years, it's finally just you and me, and Abijah.

For administrative reasons, Abijah has to be here.

Hey, Joshua.

I had no idea Samson had a son.

This is a great day.

Quiet, Abijah!

ABIJAH WHISPERS: It's a great day.

So, you decided to come back all on your own?

No order member persuaded you?

Of course not. That'd be forbidden.

So it was a coincidence, then, that a female ordinand

made 12 visits to your exact block.

Oh, wow. How did we miss that?

You file that report, Abijah.

We'll be talking afterwards.

Someone came, but they had no idea that I'd been excluded.

Right.

So then why did you put a fake name on a preaching card?

The guilty heart always reveals itself.

Which order member was it?

You already know. I want to hear it from your mouth.

Rachel.

Rachel Lewis.

Thank you, Joshua.

Do you like gifs?

Rachel.

You look as good as I feel. What are you doing here?

The cafe around the corner does a hangover smoothie. Charcoal, ginger

and I think they shove some crushed-up paracetamol

in there as well. Does it work?

It makes me throw up. So, yeah.

Joel invited me to his confirmation thing

at your congress... thing.

Are you going to go?

Is heckling encouraged?

No. I'll skip it, then.

I thought your religion was anti-caffeine.

I'm a caffeine-chugging harlot. It's just one can.

Oh. Josh and I had a big fight.

I don't think we're going to recover.

Is that why you decided not to do the uni thing?

What?

You deleted your application.

Or someone did.

Look.

I have to go.

I'm going to have that.

Have you seen Andrew?

He said he'd guide me gently through this.

Don't worry, my friend.

This is a joyful occasion.

It's relaxed, it's loose. It's chill. OK, everyone.

Inside this building are our so-called neighbours.

But don't be deceived.

You're about to enter a battleground.

Well, it's a happy meeting place for all our different chapters...

A hostile battleground, Abijah.

Neckties.

Bibles.

Give no quarter.

# This little light of mine

# I'm gonna let it shine

# This little light of mine... #

This all seems quite amicable.

Why was he lining us up in formation?

Ah, Dunstan, God's only mistake.

Samson, just as decadent as always.

I'm a chaste servant of my flock.

I count three different colours in your outfit.

Jesus was a carpenter.

I'd like you to meet Joel.

He's our convert.

Have you got a convert this year?

I helped bring him in.

David, you defaced my home.

I'm still considering pressing charges.

Well, I'm doing lots of other work for our chapter today.

The boys have given me a job. We also have the most stalls here.

Nothing to be proud of.

These stalls are wanton.

Our only stall is a protest against stalls.

Cheer up, Fiona.

We're about to feed the 5,000,

but with bags, not fish.

And the miracle is our profit margin.

Yes, I'm probably overselling this Andrew situation, right?

I'm sure he's not even thought about it.

STIFLED SOB

Yeah. Yeah, maybe.

I might not be a good neighbour, but at least I'm a good mother.

I deleted Rachel's uni application to protect her from temptation.

Wow.

That is cold-hearted parenting.

I mean, even Matilda's mum lets her get adopted at the end.

Can't we just use a hose?

The buckets need to be individually blessed, Aaron.

Hose water won't take you to the afterlife.

MUSIC PLAYS

Who are those guys? They're the Ancoats chapter.

They're off to hell.

The rainbow belongs to God.

Can I go speak to them?

Aaron, keep your voice down.

But... Shush, Aaron. Shush.

Joel, apologies for my lateness.

I was, um, gardening.

Oh. Was it that, er... tree you were talking about?

I tried to save her,

but for the second time in her life, Mary is dead.

Well, I'm relieved you're here.

It's felt a bit confrontational so far.

There's no confrontation.

Everyone here is our brothers and sisters.

Oh, the Worsley chapter.

Abijah, don't let me do anything I'll regret.

Why would you do something you'd regret?

# Samson, oh, Samson... #

Oh, Lord, I can feel the hate rising up.

Samson, we sent you tickets

for our production of Joseph And The Dreamcoat. You never came.

There's a place in hell for you next to Lloyd Webber.

Well, I loved it.

I thought you dealt with the whole polygamy aspect very tastefully.

Abijah. Sorry, my hands are wet. Abijah.

INAUDIBLE CHAT

Hold still. Thanks, Abijah.

Can't wait to save the day with my chocolate voice.

Well, stick to the script and all will be well.

Attention, everyone.

TANNOY: People will be getting baptised from 4.30,

including Aaron, Aaron Lewis, and some others.

That was an ad-lib. Yeah.

Dad, did you delete my university application?

Not knowingly, but I do a lot of things on the home computer.

I understand at most half.

Did you do it? Hand on heart, Rachel, I don't remember,

but almost certainly yes.

You've ruined everything!

Uni is a moral hazard, Rachel.

God didn't need a 2:1 to create the Earth.

Your daughter looks...

..I want to say unhinged.

Your daughter looks unhinged.

I did what I had to do.

OK, you can fuck up your kids however you like.

Just letting you know it's happening.

Andrew's coming. Fight or flight, should I stay or should I go?

Sell, Fiona. The answer's always sell.

Andrew, you look sad. Do you want a badge? Hi, Fiona.

I thought I'd come and clear the air and tell you that everything's fine.

Is your tree OK? No. It's dead.

With the acid in your stomach, the soil pH dropped to 7.25.

She didn't stand a chance.

But it's fine. I've moved on.

Really? Joel's been reborn,

so I'm going to put all of my effort into him.

Yes, as long as he converts, it'll be fine.

He's my new Mary.

Julia.

Oh, hello, sister. Blessings be.

Why have you been ignoring me?

Elder Dunstan called upon me

to assist in the lemon drizzle cake competition.

Thought it was going to be an easy-going role, but...

Taste, then spit.

You have 27 more cakes to go.

Swallowing would be folly.

I need to talk to you about Joshua.

I believe in Scripture.

Joshua led the Israelite conquest of Canaan.

I mean the Joshua who... committed fornication.

Wow!

Who made this cake?

My chapter.

We consider self-raising flour a sign of decadence.

Elder, can I take a moment, please?

Are these cakes a game to you?

In earlier verses of the Bible,

Joshua met someone at summer camp.

Summer camp? An oasis in the Judean desert.

Eventually they were found out, but he took the fall

so that she could stay

and her parents would never discover what they'd done.

That's not at all how the Book of Joshua goes.

Bye, Rachel.

Bucket.

What are you drawing?

My Bible here is visiting the city.

Here's Jesus enjoying some Manchester Vimto.

He likes it so much that he turned the whole canal

into a blackcurrant blast.

It's a fruitful collaboration.

What's this bit?

The gay village. Wow.

And your dad's OK with that?

Of course. They both are. It's where they met.

Rachel, sometimes as a mother, you have to make hard decisions

for the sake of your family's future.

What?

There's a path...

..where I end up in heaven and you don't join me.

I will never let that happen.

And that's why I did what I had to do.

You deleted my application?

I removed temptation from you.

You hypocrite!

You didn't get to go to university,

so now you're dragging me down with you.

You started a business.

You created something.

You bent the rules to do it.

Now I have to spend the rest of my life wondering

what I might have achieved if my mum hadn't got in the way.

There's nothing to be done now.

The application's been deleted

and Samson would never allow you to go anyway. What the fuck?

My daughter doesn't usually swear like that.

If she even knows that word, you've failed as a mother.

This is for you, Joel.

My Mary wore it on the day that I converted her.

I thought this was going to be

a kind of quiet, private thing. Yes, Joel,

but your conversion's a big deal for us.

Big deal for me.

Brothers and sisters...

It is an honour to announce

that we have a new convert,

a convert who is about to make an unbreakable commitment,

completely unbreakable!

FOOTSTEPS RETREAT RAPIDLY

Joel? Joel?

Looks like your prized catch has slipped the net.

Such a loss. I'll sing a mourning song for you.

# Oh, Joel, where did you go?

# Where have you flown?

# Oh... #

Relax, Joel. You're safe.

None of your weak furnishings are around.

Getting in the conversion zone?

Er... I can't go through with it.

OK.

Let me just check my mic's off.

FEEDBACK AS MIC SWITCHES ON

OVER TANNOY: Right.

Privacy.

Let's talk man to man.

You guys all know what you believe.

I have... doubts.

I have doubts.

Of course I do.

We have to take so much on faith. I worry I've got it all wrong.

Abijah, kill this. Kill it now.

You seem so sure.

I seem a lot of things -

skilled preacher, a master storyteller,

a humble, modest everyman.

But the truth is, I feel lost sometimes, too.

These last few days have made it very clear how little I understand,

how I'm making mistakes all the time.

And yet I am the wisest,

for I know I know nothing.

That's a quote from Jesus. Socrates.

Well, there you go.

The world will always surprise you.

People will always surprise you.

I can't make this choice for you, Joel,

because you're the one that's going to have to live with it.

But I love my family.

And our faith brings us together.

# Well, me and Jesus got our own thing going... #

I'm ready. Yeah.

I was worried that you guys were too intense,

but I feel better now. Good.

Come and be reborn, Mary.

What?

Why is everyone applauding?

Is it the bow tie?

Yeah, Dad. Yeah.

ABIJAH MUTTERS: Fucking idiot.

Well done, well done. Thank you.

That was amazing!

David... maybe I was too quick to judge.

Perhaps you could be an elder after all.

Aaron - finishing touches.

We could make use of your deft linework.

Who is this? Gary from Ancoats.

His dad said I can go round his house sometime.

Can I, Dad? You let your son fraternise with them?

Of course you can, Aaron. Have fun. Come on, let's go!

An elder wouldn't sanction that kind of behaviour, David.

Good thing I'm not an elder, then.

We need to talk. Hmm.

Yeah, Mum, I did it.

It really feels like a... A fresh start.

Oh. Hang on, Mum.

Susie.

You missed my confirmation.

I've never seen you in a suit.

You look good.

Well, thanks.

I'm on a new path now, a purer path.

Do you want to fuck me in my Ford Focus?

Wait, are you serious?

Oh.

Hey.

What are you doing here?

Please don't be angry with me.

Don't be angry?

This is so dangerous.

If anyone finds out...

Rachel, bit of a tricky sitch.

Joshua's dad... Sorry, Elder Samson wants a chat.

Wait, Joshua's dad?

ABIJAH LAUGHS

Wow! You're way behind.

Sister Lewis.

I spoke to your mother.

She wants to appeal your university application so you can go.

Now, if you were a model ordinand, I might allow it.

But you're not. Are you?

Joshua gave you up.

Whatever was going on between you two

clearly didn't matter much to him.

So, here are your options.

Remain in the order on penance,

revoked privileges, monitored preaching hours.

Or pursue university and be excluded.

And if your family even tries to speak to you again,

I'll have them excluded too.

Your choice.

CHOIR SING

David, are we good parents?

Proverbs says whoever spares the rod loves his children.

Isn't it whoever spares the rod hates his children?

I gave it a David twist.

# Why can't we be humble

# Like the good Lord said?

# He promised to exalt us... #

Rachel, I've realised you need to make your own decisions.

The application's right here, all you need to do is press send.

# That's the way God planned it

# That's the way God wants it to be... #

It's OK, Mum.

I'm going to stick around.

# That's the way God planned it

# That's the way God wants it to be

# For you and me

# Oh, that's the way... #

Can I have one?

Tough day?

CAR RATTLES

GASPING AND MOANING

God forgive me...

# That's the way God planned it

# That's the way God wants it to be

# Oh, and that's the way

# That's the way God planned it

# That's the way God wants it to be

# For you and me

# Oh, and that's the way... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media