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1
00:00:00,634 --> 00:00:02,770
* Men. *
2
00:00:05,005 --> 00:00:06,207
EVELYN:
Jake.
3
00:00:06,274 --> 00:00:08,242
You're hardly touching
your salad.
4
00:00:08,309 --> 00:00:09,610
I promised Berta
I'd cut down on the roughage.
5
00:00:10,211 --> 00:00:17,985
Well, all right.
6
00:00:18,052 --> 00:00:19,553
Why don't I get the soup.
7
00:00:21,389 --> 00:00:24,492
Based on the salad,
I'm not so optimistic.
8
00:00:24,558 --> 00:00:28,096
So you have absolutely no idea
why she invited us here?
9
00:00:28,162 --> 00:00:29,363
All she said
on the phone was "dinner."
10
00:00:29,430 --> 00:00:31,199
And you believed her?
11
00:00:32,133 --> 00:00:33,334
Good God, man,
12
00:00:33,401 --> 00:00:34,802
do you realize
what you've done?
13
00:00:34,868 --> 00:00:36,604
Just relax.
14
00:00:36,670 --> 00:00:37,705
"Just relax"?
15
00:00:37,771 --> 00:00:38,972
We'll be lucky to leave here
16
00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:41,509
with all of our limbs
and gonads.
17
00:00:41,575 --> 00:00:43,477
What's a gonad?
18
00:00:43,544 --> 00:00:44,745
You are.
19
00:00:46,847 --> 00:00:48,982
So it's bad.
20
00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:50,251
You're not a gonad.
21
00:00:50,318 --> 00:00:52,586
Says the other gonad.
22
00:00:54,688 --> 00:00:56,890
Here we go.
23
00:00:56,957 --> 00:00:58,092
Potato leek soup.
24
00:00:58,159 --> 00:01:00,261
Oh, delightful.
25
00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:03,431
You got any crackers?
26
00:01:03,497 --> 00:01:04,898
"Crackers"?
27
00:01:04,965 --> 00:01:07,201
Yeah, I like having something
crunchy in my soup.
28
00:01:07,268 --> 00:01:09,737
Little goldfish,
crouton, a stale bagel...
29
00:01:09,803 --> 00:01:11,605
I'll check.
30
00:01:11,672 --> 00:01:12,606
Go ahead and start.
31
00:01:12,673 --> 00:01:15,409
Captain Crunch will work
in a pinch.
32
00:01:15,476 --> 00:01:18,279
I've got a bad feeling
about this, Alan.
33
00:01:18,346 --> 00:01:20,581
What? We're having a nice dinner
with our mother.
34
00:01:20,648 --> 00:01:21,815
So you feel it, too?
35
00:01:23,551 --> 00:01:26,854
What kind of person doesn't
serve crackers with soup?
36
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:30,791
The only thing I have that's
crunchy is macadamia nuts.
37
00:01:33,294 --> 00:01:35,429
Interesting.
Let's give 'er a try.
38
00:01:36,764 --> 00:01:39,200
Well, I suppose you boys
are wondering
39
00:01:39,267 --> 00:01:40,734
why I asked you here.
40
00:01:40,801 --> 00:01:44,104
You mean this isn't just
a nice, warm family dinner?
41
00:01:44,172 --> 00:01:46,207
Knock it off, Charlie.
42
00:01:47,308 --> 00:01:49,076
I have some good news.
43
00:01:49,143 --> 00:01:50,878
And no, I'm not dying.
44
00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:52,913
I didn't say anything.
45
00:01:52,980 --> 00:01:54,615
Why would you even go there?
46
00:01:56,049 --> 00:01:57,551
Okay, I'm sorry.
47
00:01:57,618 --> 00:02:02,190
Anyway, I have been doing
some financial planning.
48
00:02:02,256 --> 00:02:03,791
So you're thinking about dying?
49
00:02:03,857 --> 00:02:07,928
Trust me, darling, I promise
to stick around long enough
50
00:02:07,995 --> 00:02:12,533
to identify your bloated,
gin-soaked, syphilitic remains.
51
00:02:16,504 --> 00:02:18,239
Okay, so we've got a time frame.
52
00:02:20,274 --> 00:02:22,943
So what about your
financial plan?
53
00:02:23,010 --> 00:02:25,145
Yes, well,
one thing I've done
54
00:02:25,213 --> 00:02:27,948
is to set aside enough money
to ensure
55
00:02:28,015 --> 00:02:31,151
that my grandson will get
a college education.
56
00:02:38,326 --> 00:02:41,028
You're gonna buy a college?
57
00:02:41,094 --> 00:02:43,464
I have set up a trust fund.
58
00:02:43,531 --> 00:02:45,399
Oh, Mom,
Mom, that is, uh,
59
00:02:45,466 --> 00:02:47,201
that is very generous,
but, uh, I actually
60
00:02:47,268 --> 00:02:49,169
started a college fund for Jake
when he was born.
61
00:02:49,237 --> 00:02:50,738
Really?
62
00:02:52,206 --> 00:02:53,974
How much you
have in there now?
63
00:02:54,041 --> 00:02:56,176
Uh...
64
00:02:57,811 --> 00:03:00,314
Did you hear? Grandma's
sending you to college.
65
00:03:02,216 --> 00:03:04,718
Now? I haven't
finished my soup.
66
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:08,222
Mom, have you
thought this through?
67
00:03:08,289 --> 00:03:09,423
Look at him.
68
00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:14,895
Maybe there should be
one child left behind.
69
00:03:16,930 --> 00:03:19,099
Charlie,
Charlie, shush.
70
00:03:19,166 --> 00:03:20,934
Mom, I-I cannot tell you
71
00:03:21,001 --> 00:03:22,102
how much I
appreciate this.
72
00:03:22,169 --> 00:03:24,171
Jake, do you understand
73
00:03:24,238 --> 00:03:25,939
what your grandma
is providing here?
74
00:03:26,006 --> 00:03:27,074
Yeah, more school.
75
00:03:27,140 --> 00:03:28,542
Big whoop.
76
00:03:28,609 --> 00:03:31,279
Well, Jake, perhaps
this will help enthuse you.
77
00:03:31,345 --> 00:03:33,814
If you buckle down
and your grades improve,
78
00:03:33,881 --> 00:03:35,883
when the time comes
for you to go to college,
79
00:03:35,949 --> 00:03:38,352
Grandmommy is going
to buy you a new car.
80
00:03:38,419 --> 00:03:40,554
I love you, Grandmommy!
81
00:03:42,390 --> 00:03:45,125
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
82
00:03:45,192 --> 00:03:48,696
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Ooh
83
00:03:48,762 --> 00:03:51,599
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
* Ooh
* Ooh
84
00:03:51,665 --> 00:03:53,701
* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *
85
00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:56,103
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
86
00:03:56,169 --> 00:03:59,440
* Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
87
00:03:59,507 --> 00:04:04,478
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
88
00:04:09,149 --> 00:04:10,584
* Men. *
89
00:04:11,919 --> 00:04:13,687
By the way, when I get
my car from Grandma,
90
00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:16,990
one of you guys is gonna have
to park on the street.
91
00:04:17,057 --> 00:04:19,927
The car is for college.
92
00:04:19,993 --> 00:04:22,262
And what makes you think
you'll still be living here?
93
00:04:22,330 --> 00:04:24,565
Oh, come on,
you know you love me.
94
00:04:25,699 --> 00:04:27,501
He's got you there.
You do love him.
95
00:04:27,568 --> 00:04:29,970
Yeah, but he doesn't
have to rub my nose in it.
96
00:04:33,173 --> 00:04:35,309
So what do you think
Mom's angle is?
97
00:04:35,376 --> 00:04:37,478
Does she have
to have an angle?
98
00:04:37,545 --> 00:04:38,712
A college trust fund?
99
00:04:38,779 --> 00:04:39,913
For him?
100
00:04:39,980 --> 00:04:43,050
Last week he bit his hand
eating a sandwich.
101
00:04:44,318 --> 00:04:46,454
He smelled the ham.
He got excited.
102
00:04:47,588 --> 00:04:50,023
Maybe she's just trying
to buy his love.
103
00:04:50,090 --> 00:04:52,159
Alan, think it through.
104
00:04:52,225 --> 00:04:53,794
She could've done that
with a pork chop
105
00:04:53,861 --> 00:04:55,429
and a Creamsicle.
106
00:04:55,496 --> 00:04:58,332
Well, whatever it is,
it is a big load off my mind
107
00:04:58,399 --> 00:04:59,800
knowing his education's
taken care of.
108
00:04:59,867 --> 00:05:02,235
Oh, yeah,
that's what Mom wants,
109
00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:04,304
to take a load off your mind.
110
00:05:04,372 --> 00:05:06,374
Okay, why do you think
she did it?
111
00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:07,841
I don't know.
112
00:05:07,908 --> 00:05:09,710
But if you want
to get inside her head,
113
00:05:09,777 --> 00:05:11,278
you've got to start
thinking more twisted,
114
00:05:11,345 --> 00:05:14,281
manipulative, devious.
115
00:05:14,348 --> 00:05:15,816
For example,
116
00:05:15,883 --> 00:05:18,586
if by some miracle
he gets through college
117
00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:19,920
and she sends him
to law school...
118
00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:22,690
L-law school?
You've already lost me.
119
00:05:22,756 --> 00:05:24,592
Maybe she's boinking
the dean of admissions.
120
00:05:24,658 --> 00:05:26,059
We don't know.
Just hear me out.
121
00:05:26,126 --> 00:05:27,861
Go on.
122
00:05:27,928 --> 00:05:29,930
Let's say he crawls
through law school,
123
00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:32,199
takes seven or eight shots
at passing the bar.
124
00:05:32,265 --> 00:05:33,501
We know how that ends.
125
00:05:35,035 --> 00:05:37,204
So what are his options
as a failed lawyer?
126
00:05:37,270 --> 00:05:39,339
I don't know.
Government work?
127
00:05:39,407 --> 00:05:40,708
Exactly.
128
00:05:40,774 --> 00:05:42,543
Maybe he lands
on the zoning commission.
129
00:05:42,610 --> 00:05:44,778
And bingo-bango,
Mom finally gets
130
00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:46,647
to put a second story
on her house.
131
00:05:50,784 --> 00:05:53,521
You really think she's going
to send him to college
132
00:05:53,587 --> 00:05:57,157
and law school just so she can
add an extra bedroom?
133
00:05:57,224 --> 00:05:58,392
That's insane.
134
00:05:58,459 --> 00:06:00,561
Is it, Alan?
135
00:06:02,295 --> 00:06:04,565
Is it really?
136
00:06:07,334 --> 00:06:09,470
* Men. *
137
00:06:13,474 --> 00:06:15,208
Morning.
138
00:06:15,275 --> 00:06:17,911
Morning.
139
00:06:19,513 --> 00:06:20,414
Alan?
140
00:06:20,481 --> 00:06:22,416
Yeah?
141
00:06:22,483 --> 00:06:24,618
You having a stroke?
142
00:06:26,487 --> 00:06:27,821
No, no, I'm just,
143
00:06:27,888 --> 00:06:29,557
I'm just trying
to figure out
144
00:06:29,623 --> 00:06:31,191
why I need to go
to work today.
145
00:06:31,258 --> 00:06:32,526
I mean,
146
00:06:32,593 --> 00:06:34,895
Mom's taking care
of Jake's education,
147
00:06:34,962 --> 00:06:36,497
buying him a car.
148
00:06:36,564 --> 00:06:37,631
Why should I bust my hump?
149
00:06:37,698 --> 00:06:40,534
For your self-respect?
150
00:06:40,601 --> 00:06:42,470
Nah, Judith got that
in the divorce.
151
00:06:43,871 --> 00:06:46,540
'Cause you like to heal
people's back pain
152
00:06:46,607 --> 00:06:48,241
with your
chiropractic magic?
153
00:06:48,308 --> 00:06:50,177
(chortles)
154
00:06:51,545 --> 00:06:54,114
Okay, well, you've
got to go somewhere.
155
00:06:54,181 --> 00:06:55,916
Why?
156
00:06:55,983 --> 00:06:58,185
'Cause you're
creeping me out.
157
00:07:02,456 --> 00:07:04,725
I should take up
motivational speaking.
158
00:07:06,426 --> 00:07:07,728
Morning.
159
00:07:07,795 --> 00:07:09,697
Something's wrong
with your brother.
160
00:07:09,763 --> 00:07:11,264
We don't say the word "wrong."
161
00:07:11,331 --> 00:07:12,500
We say "special."
162
00:07:14,334 --> 00:07:16,604
No, it's true.
My friends don't think
you're my grandma.
163
00:07:16,670 --> 00:07:18,506
They think you're
my young aunt.
164
00:07:22,175 --> 00:07:24,678
If he gets his nose
any further up her keister,
165
00:07:24,745 --> 00:07:26,880
we're gonna have
to tie a rope to his feet.
166
00:07:29,416 --> 00:07:30,851
Hey, I was thinking.
167
00:07:30,918 --> 00:07:33,453
You know what would be
a nice, safe vehicle for me?
168
00:07:33,521 --> 00:07:35,656
A used police car.
169
00:07:37,691 --> 00:07:40,594
I don't know.
I guess from the police?
170
00:07:40,661 --> 00:07:42,896
She's buying
Lunkhead a car?
171
00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:45,799
And a college education.
Ha.
172
00:07:45,866 --> 00:07:47,234
Well, I guess that makes sense
173
00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:49,837
if it's a clown college
and the car seats 20.
174
00:07:51,772 --> 00:07:55,342
All right, then I'll see you
in an hour.
175
00:07:55,408 --> 00:07:56,710
Hold on.
176
00:07:56,777 --> 00:07:57,978
Nah, I don't need one.
177
00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:01,682
Okay, okay, bye.
178
00:08:01,749 --> 00:08:03,551
I'm gonna spend
the afternoon with Grandma.
179
00:08:03,617 --> 00:08:05,786
If she asks, I took a shower.
180
00:08:05,853 --> 00:08:07,821
Figured out her angle yet?
181
00:08:07,888 --> 00:08:11,792
No. And that's what scares me.
182
00:08:11,859 --> 00:08:14,762
(ominous):
* Bom-bom-bom.
183
00:08:15,763 --> 00:08:17,898
Seemed appropriate.
184
00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:21,268
* Men. *
185
00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:23,370
All right,
Mr. Sharipa.
186
00:08:23,436 --> 00:08:24,538
How's it feel right here?
187
00:08:24,605 --> 00:08:26,006
A little tender.
188
00:08:26,073 --> 00:08:29,342
Yeah, yeah, you've got
a spasm right here.
189
00:08:29,409 --> 00:08:30,678
It's my own fault.
190
00:08:30,744 --> 00:08:32,479
I was trying to do it
in the shower
191
00:08:32,546 --> 00:08:34,481
with Mrs. Sharipa last night.
192
00:08:34,548 --> 00:08:38,151
The woman is no ballerina.
193
00:08:40,053 --> 00:08:42,690
Well, sex in the shower
is really a young man's game.
194
00:08:42,756 --> 00:08:45,525
Or a middle-aged man
with a skinny wife.
195
00:08:45,593 --> 00:08:47,527
Sure.
196
00:08:47,595 --> 00:08:48,996
What can I say?
197
00:08:49,062 --> 00:08:52,265
I like a little
junk in the trunk.
198
00:08:52,332 --> 00:08:54,635
I, I think that says it.
199
00:08:54,702 --> 00:08:56,570
Slap her on the ass
at Christmas,
200
00:08:56,637 --> 00:08:59,272
it doesn't stop shaking
till New Year's Eve.
201
00:09:02,610 --> 00:09:03,977
Just between you and me,
202
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:08,649
she enjoys a little
spanking from Santa.
203
00:09:08,716 --> 00:09:10,517
Who doesn't?
204
00:09:10,584 --> 00:09:13,053
I check the list twice:
205
00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:14,722
always naughty.
206
00:09:18,626 --> 00:09:20,027
Uh-huh.
Could you, uh,
207
00:09:20,093 --> 00:09:21,528
turn on your right,
Mr. Sharipa.
208
00:09:21,595 --> 00:09:22,830
I'll, uh, try to relieve
209
00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:24,732
the pressure on your
sciatic nerve.
210
00:09:24,798 --> 00:09:26,133
Would you cross your
arms, please?
211
00:09:26,199 --> 00:09:27,300
Uh-huh.
Thank you.
212
00:09:27,367 --> 00:09:28,636
Okay.
213
00:09:28,702 --> 00:09:30,103
(passing gas)
214
00:09:34,107 --> 00:09:36,109
Excuse me.
215
00:09:37,845 --> 00:09:39,747
Oh, no, that, uh,
that happens.
216
00:09:39,813 --> 00:09:41,949
It's, uh, it's perfectly
natural...
217
00:09:44,251 --> 00:09:46,586
Oh, dear Lord.
218
00:09:47,888 --> 00:09:50,557
Yeah, that's the garlic clams
I had for lunch.
219
00:09:50,624 --> 00:09:53,727
I like them.
They don't like me.
220
00:09:55,062 --> 00:09:58,899
Um, if you'll just
excuse me for a moment.
221
00:09:59,933 --> 00:10:02,069
Hey, you know,
I feel better.
222
00:10:02,135 --> 00:10:05,372
Maybe that's where
the pressure came from.
223
00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:08,676
Where are you going,
Dr. Harper?
224
00:10:08,742 --> 00:10:10,210
Home.
225
00:10:10,277 --> 00:10:11,645
Will you be coming back?
226
00:10:11,712 --> 00:10:14,181
Dr. Harper?
227
00:10:19,152 --> 00:10:20,553
Oh, my God.
228
00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:22,756
* Men. *
229
00:10:26,393 --> 00:10:27,560
Oh, check it out.
230
00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:28,962
This SUV comes
with a mini-fridge
231
00:10:29,029 --> 00:10:30,430
in the glove compartment.
232
00:10:30,497 --> 00:10:32,632
Fascinating.
233
00:10:33,734 --> 00:10:34,968
Let's spend
a little time
234
00:10:35,035 --> 00:10:36,569
talking about
our college plans.
235
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:38,105
"Our plans"?
236
00:10:38,171 --> 00:10:41,208
Are you going, too?
'Cause that changes everything.
237
00:10:41,274 --> 00:10:42,943
I've already been
to college, darling.
238
00:10:43,010 --> 00:10:45,913
And they were some of the
happiest years of my life.
239
00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:47,647
Really?
Mm-hmm.
240
00:10:47,715 --> 00:10:50,150
What kind of car did you have?
241
00:10:50,217 --> 00:10:53,020
Look, Jake, I understand
that you're excited
242
00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:55,789
about getting a car,
but keep in mind
243
00:10:55,856 --> 00:10:59,226
the car is predicated
on you getting into college.
244
00:10:59,292 --> 00:11:00,527
Right.
245
00:11:00,593 --> 00:11:03,230
What's "predicated" mean?
246
00:11:03,296 --> 00:11:06,033
No college, no car.
247
00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:08,301
Oh.
248
00:11:08,368 --> 00:11:09,436
What if I flunk out?
249
00:11:09,502 --> 00:11:10,838
Do I have to give the car back?
250
00:11:10,904 --> 00:11:12,105
Oh, sweetheart,
251
00:11:12,172 --> 00:11:14,074
what makes you think
you'd flunk out?
252
00:11:14,141 --> 00:11:15,175
Well, history.
253
00:11:15,242 --> 00:11:17,110
Right now there's
a 60/60 chance
254
00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:19,546
I'm gonna have
to repeat eighth grade.
255
00:11:19,612 --> 00:11:21,581
60/60, huh?
256
00:11:21,648 --> 00:11:23,250
At least.
257
00:11:23,316 --> 00:11:25,085
It could be 70/40.
258
00:11:25,152 --> 00:11:28,355
Well, we can rule out
the Ivy League.
259
00:11:28,421 --> 00:11:29,356
Is that good?
260
00:11:29,422 --> 00:11:31,424
For the Ivy League.
261
00:11:31,491 --> 00:11:33,226
You know, dear,
262
00:11:33,293 --> 00:11:36,229
maybe we're going
about this the wrong way.
263
00:11:36,296 --> 00:11:39,266
College should be
about pursuing
the things you love.
264
00:11:39,332 --> 00:11:40,768
What do you love?
265
00:11:40,834 --> 00:11:44,337
Um, TV, video games,
sleeping.
266
00:11:44,404 --> 00:11:45,505
I love sleeping so much
267
00:11:45,572 --> 00:11:47,707
sometimes I actually
dream about it.
268
00:11:47,775 --> 00:11:50,710
Okay, maybe I wasn't
clear enough.
269
00:11:50,778 --> 00:11:52,445
Oh, you know
what I really love?
270
00:11:52,512 --> 00:11:53,680
Twice-dipped French toast
271
00:11:53,747 --> 00:11:55,715
with a sprinkling
of orange zest.
272
00:11:55,783 --> 00:11:57,050
Orange zest?
273
00:11:57,117 --> 00:11:58,786
Yeah, you scrape it
from an orange peel.
274
00:11:58,852 --> 00:12:00,754
It's what really makes
my recipe work.
275
00:12:00,821 --> 00:12:02,522
You have a recipe?
276
00:12:02,589 --> 00:12:03,490
Yep.
277
00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:04,657
It kinda happened
by accident.
278
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:06,359
I was making once-dipped
French toast,
279
00:12:06,426 --> 00:12:07,828
but I dropped it.
280
00:12:07,895 --> 00:12:09,729
A lot of great discoveries
are accidents
281
00:12:09,797 --> 00:12:11,664
like Thomas Edison
and the telephone.
282
00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:13,500
That wasn't Thomas...
283
00:12:14,968 --> 00:12:17,504
So you like to cook?
284
00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:18,638
Yeah, I love it.
285
00:12:18,705 --> 00:12:19,873
'Cause, you know,
I love to eat
286
00:12:19,940 --> 00:12:21,708
and I love
to surprise my mouth.
287
00:12:21,775 --> 00:12:24,344
Well, you know, dear,
288
00:12:24,411 --> 00:12:27,881
what you are talking about
is becoming a chef,
289
00:12:27,948 --> 00:12:29,883
and there are schools
for that,
290
00:12:29,950 --> 00:12:32,352
and-and the potential to
make a terrific living.
291
00:12:32,419 --> 00:12:34,888
Do I get to wear one
of those poofy hats?
292
00:12:34,955 --> 00:12:36,289
If you want to.
293
00:12:36,356 --> 00:12:38,859
Cool. Then I guess
I'll be a chef.
294
00:12:39,626 --> 00:12:41,561
My grandson the chef.
295
00:12:41,628 --> 00:12:44,131
I can live with that.
296
00:12:44,197 --> 00:12:46,599
You know what I could drive
if I was a chef?
297
00:12:46,666 --> 00:12:48,869
The Oscar Mayer Weinermobile.
298
00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:52,973
* Men. *
299
00:13:01,748 --> 00:13:03,383
Hey.
300
00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:04,617
Hey.
301
00:13:04,684 --> 00:13:07,087
I got a kayak.
302
00:13:07,154 --> 00:13:09,389
I see.
303
00:13:09,456 --> 00:13:11,224
Guess what I'm gonna do?
304
00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:13,193
Go kayaking?
305
00:13:13,260 --> 00:13:14,227
Yep.
306
00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:17,230
I have decided
that life is too short.
307
00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:20,433
So you're going out in the
Pacific Ocean in a plastic boat.
308
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:21,969
Good thinking.
309
00:13:22,035 --> 00:13:23,603
No, I was at work today
310
00:13:23,670 --> 00:13:26,840
and it suddenly became clear
to me that...
311
00:13:26,907 --> 00:13:29,776
Sorry about that.
312
00:13:29,843 --> 00:13:31,011
It became clear to me
313
00:13:31,078 --> 00:13:32,445
that I don't like
what I'm doing.
314
00:13:32,512 --> 00:13:34,281
And now that Mom is
taking care of Jake,
315
00:13:34,347 --> 00:13:36,549
I can spend my time doing
the things that give me joy.
316
00:13:36,616 --> 00:13:39,853
So you're gonna masturbate
in a kayak?
317
00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:42,722
No, but that's the point.
318
00:13:42,789 --> 00:13:45,625
You'll have to elaborate.
319
00:13:45,692 --> 00:13:47,861
I could if I wanted to.
320
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:57,871
Yeah, who could've seen
that coming?
321
00:13:57,938 --> 00:13:59,106
Look, I'm sorry.
322
00:14:03,243 --> 00:14:04,912
* Men. *
323
00:14:04,978 --> 00:14:06,246
Here you go.
324
00:14:06,313 --> 00:14:08,916
Grilled cheese with gouda,
Swiss and monster.
325
00:14:08,982 --> 00:14:10,918
You mean muenster.
326
00:14:10,984 --> 00:14:12,519
No, that's an old TV show.
327
00:14:12,585 --> 00:14:14,487
And they're called that
'cause they're monsters.
328
00:14:14,554 --> 00:14:15,923
This is a cheese.
329
00:14:15,989 --> 00:14:18,591
Anyway, the sandwich also
has heirloom tomatoes
330
00:14:18,658 --> 00:14:21,128
and smoked applewood bacon
on sourdough toast.
331
00:14:21,194 --> 00:14:22,896
Where did you learn this?
332
00:14:22,963 --> 00:14:25,232
Food Channel
and FoodChannel.com.
333
00:14:25,298 --> 00:14:27,800
Food Channel on Demand,
Food Channel magazine.
334
00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:30,837
And the school lunch lady.
335
00:14:30,904 --> 00:14:33,306
Oh, and save room
for homemade potato chips.
336
00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:36,409
You're making potato chips?
337
00:14:36,476 --> 00:14:37,277
Oh, yeah, it's easy.
338
00:14:37,344 --> 00:14:38,778
You slice the potatoes
real thin,
339
00:14:38,845 --> 00:14:40,313
rub the slices
with lemon and garlic,
340
00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:41,949
fry 'em up
in a hot iron skillet
341
00:14:42,015 --> 00:14:43,816
and then salt to taste.
342
00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:45,885
I can't get over this.
343
00:14:45,953 --> 00:14:47,921
Bon appetite.
Mmm.
344
00:14:47,988 --> 00:14:48,989
Teet.
345
00:14:49,056 --> 00:14:50,890
No, that's a cow's boob.
346
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:55,095
Oh, my goodness.
347
00:14:55,162 --> 00:14:57,130
This is delicious.
348
00:14:57,197 --> 00:15:00,167
Don't eat more than three
or you won't poop for a week.
349
00:15:01,868 --> 00:15:04,004
Trust me.
350
00:15:04,071 --> 00:15:06,506
Well, at least
351
00:15:06,573 --> 00:15:09,176
we have finally found
a career path for you.
352
00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:11,979
Cool. I'll go get the chips
and then we'll talk about cars.
353
00:15:13,746 --> 00:15:14,881
You know what?
354
00:15:14,948 --> 00:15:17,117
Let's settle this
car thing first.
355
00:15:22,789 --> 00:15:24,724
* Men. *
356
00:15:24,791 --> 00:15:27,660
Oh, God, it was incredible.
357
00:15:27,727 --> 00:15:29,696
The-the wind, the sky,
358
00:15:29,762 --> 00:15:31,164
the surf.
359
00:15:31,231 --> 00:15:33,366
I feel like I'm reborn.
360
00:15:37,370 --> 00:15:40,040
You were out there
for 15 minutes.
361
00:15:40,107 --> 00:15:42,309
Yeah, well, my arms got tired.
362
00:15:44,211 --> 00:15:46,479
Oh, so you did decide
to go with the kayanking.
363
00:15:46,546 --> 00:15:48,115
What?
364
00:15:48,181 --> 00:15:50,383
Masturyaking?
365
00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:52,252
You're terrible.
366
00:15:52,319 --> 00:15:54,454
But, anyway,
no one could see me.
367
00:15:59,092 --> 00:15:59,993
So now what?
368
00:16:00,060 --> 00:16:01,894
Now?
369
00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:03,263
Now I just live.
370
00:16:03,330 --> 00:16:04,697
I enjoy.
371
00:16:04,764 --> 00:16:06,233
All right.
372
00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:08,935
This rat has quit the race.
373
00:16:09,002 --> 00:16:10,070
Good for you.
374
00:16:10,137 --> 00:16:12,072
This hamster is off
the treadmill.
375
00:16:12,139 --> 00:16:13,740
Glad to hear it.
376
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:17,910
This squirrel is satisfied
with the nuts he has.
377
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:20,247
No comment.
378
00:16:24,751 --> 00:16:27,787
I'm not gonna make it, Charlie.
379
00:16:27,854 --> 00:16:29,522
Didn't think you would.
380
00:16:29,589 --> 00:16:31,824
No goals, no challenges,
381
00:16:31,891 --> 00:16:35,195
no, no gut-wrenching fear
driving me forward.
382
00:16:35,262 --> 00:16:37,630
I mean, how can you stand it?
383
00:16:37,697 --> 00:16:39,232
Me?
384
00:16:39,299 --> 00:16:42,001
Well, I have kind of
an existential philosophy
385
00:16:42,069 --> 00:16:44,171
that shapes my outlook.
386
00:16:44,237 --> 00:16:45,672
It involves a willingness
387
00:16:45,738 --> 00:16:48,175
to let life carry me
along in its wake
388
00:16:48,241 --> 00:16:50,610
as I contemplate
its infinite mystery.
389
00:16:52,445 --> 00:16:55,582
Plus I drink
and take a lot of naps.
390
00:16:55,648 --> 00:16:59,619
Yeah, well, I need something
meaningful to strive for.
391
00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:02,422
Sorry, I don't follow.
392
00:17:02,489 --> 00:17:05,592
I need a carrot in front of me
and a stick behind me.
393
00:17:05,658 --> 00:17:09,729
Without that, I...
I have no reason to live.
394
00:17:10,830 --> 00:17:13,066
That's it!
395
00:17:13,133 --> 00:17:14,067
What's it?
396
00:17:14,134 --> 00:17:17,104
"No reason to live."
397
00:17:17,170 --> 00:17:19,172
That's Mom's angle.
398
00:17:19,239 --> 00:17:21,174
This never had anything
to do with Jake.
399
00:17:21,241 --> 00:17:23,343
She's trying to kill you.
400
00:17:25,245 --> 00:17:26,813
Oh, come on.
401
00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:28,448
Think about it.
402
00:17:28,515 --> 00:17:31,318
She takes the financial pressure
off your shoulders,
403
00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:33,786
knowing you can't
live without it.
404
00:17:33,853 --> 00:17:35,822
Oh, she's good.
405
00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:37,824
Why would Mom want
to kill me?
406
00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:39,159
I don't know.
407
00:17:39,226 --> 00:17:40,693
Why do I want to kill you?
408
00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:42,729
Why does your ex-wife
want to kill you?
409
00:17:42,795 --> 00:17:45,732
You just bring that
out in people.
410
00:17:45,798 --> 00:17:47,367
You're being ridiculous.
411
00:17:47,434 --> 00:17:50,437
Okay, okay, let's look
at the alternate explanation.
412
00:17:50,503 --> 00:17:52,505
For the first time
in her life,
413
00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:54,274
our mother is being
totally selfless
414
00:17:54,341 --> 00:17:56,343
and thinking about
someone else's well-being.
415
00:17:58,245 --> 00:18:01,781
Dear God, my own mother
is trying to kill me.
416
00:18:01,848 --> 00:18:04,217
Well, I'm glad we
got that settled.
417
00:18:04,284 --> 00:18:07,420
It was really bugging me.
418
00:18:09,589 --> 00:18:11,591
* Men. *
419
00:18:14,127 --> 00:18:16,095
Terrific sandwich.
420
00:18:16,163 --> 00:18:18,165
FIREMAN:
Yeah.
421
00:18:18,231 --> 00:18:19,499
I think you'll find
422
00:18:19,566 --> 00:18:21,834
the fire gave everything
a nice smoky flavor.
423
00:18:23,303 --> 00:18:24,604
Just out of curiosity,
424
00:18:24,671 --> 00:18:26,739
what does a used fire truck
go for?
425
00:18:26,806 --> 00:18:29,108
* Men. *
426
00:18:32,212 --> 00:18:33,680
that might cheer you up.
427
00:18:33,746 --> 00:18:35,148
I'm listening.
428
00:18:35,215 --> 00:18:38,218
You need a carrot and a stick
to make your life meaningful?
429
00:18:38,285 --> 00:18:39,852
How about this?
430
00:18:39,919 --> 00:18:42,855
Every month I let you give me
a small amount of money
431
00:18:42,922 --> 00:18:45,892
in exchange for the pleasure
of living in my house.
432
00:18:48,027 --> 00:18:51,231
We'll call it... rent.
433
00:18:51,298 --> 00:18:55,101
Wow, it's been a long time
since I paid rent.
434
00:18:55,168 --> 00:18:57,504
Five years, two months, 11 days.
435
00:18:57,570 --> 00:18:58,971
Interesting.
436
00:18:59,038 --> 00:19:01,508
It would certainly give me
a reason to go back to work.
437
00:19:01,574 --> 00:19:04,577
Right. That's the carrot.
438
00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:08,147
And if you fall behind,
I get to hit you with a stick.
439
00:19:08,215 --> 00:19:09,782
Very funny.
440
00:19:09,849 --> 00:19:10,950
No, I'm serious.
441
00:19:11,017 --> 00:19:12,552
That's my carrot.
442
00:19:12,619 --> 00:19:15,422
Okay, how much did you
have in mind?
443
00:19:15,488 --> 00:19:18,791
Well, I've given it
some thought...
444
00:19:20,727 --> 00:19:22,929
...and...
445
00:19:22,995 --> 00:19:25,665
I think you'll find this
to be a fair number.
446
00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:29,702
Oh.
447
00:19:29,769 --> 00:19:31,170
Oh, well, uh,
448
00:19:31,238 --> 00:19:32,639
at least if I'm paying rent
449
00:19:32,705 --> 00:19:34,907
I'll get a say
in what goes on around here.
450
00:19:34,974 --> 00:19:36,909
No, no, no, no, no, no.
451
00:19:36,976 --> 00:19:38,911
No.
452
00:19:40,847 --> 00:19:42,782
If you want a say,
453
00:19:42,849 --> 00:19:44,951
this is the number.
454
00:19:47,053 --> 00:19:50,523
I don't need a say.
455
00:19:50,590 --> 00:19:51,491
Good.
456
00:19:51,558 --> 00:19:53,560
So, every month on the first.
457
00:19:53,626 --> 00:19:54,861
Deal.
458
00:19:56,896 --> 00:19:59,165
All right, all right,
I feel good about this,
459
00:19:59,232 --> 00:20:01,167
pitching in,
pulling my own weight.
460
00:20:01,234 --> 00:20:02,535
It's long overdue.
461
00:20:02,602 --> 00:20:04,737
Five years, two months, 11 days.
462
00:20:04,804 --> 00:20:06,506
Right.
463
00:20:06,573 --> 00:20:08,575
Uh, of, uh, course since the
month has already started,
464
00:20:08,641 --> 00:20:09,876
we'll, we'll start
next month.
465
00:20:09,942 --> 00:20:11,143
Fine.
466
00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:13,513
Uh, although, uh,
with the holidays coming,
467
00:20:13,580 --> 00:20:15,782
maybe it'd be better to start
fresh with the new year,
468
00:20:15,848 --> 00:20:16,916
you know? 1/1.
469
00:20:16,983 --> 00:20:18,818
Sure, whatever.
Okay.
470
00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:21,554
Unless the economy's
still in the tank.
471
00:20:21,621 --> 00:20:23,356
Always a possibility.
472
00:20:23,423 --> 00:20:24,924
In which case, you know,
473
00:20:24,991 --> 00:20:27,294
we'll, uh, we'll probably want
to revisit the number.
474
00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:29,629
Probably.
475
00:20:29,696 --> 00:20:32,765
I mean, the market is-is
pretty volatile right now.
476
00:20:32,832 --> 00:20:35,635
I mean, I think
some belt-tightening
477
00:20:35,702 --> 00:20:36,869
is in order for
everybody, you know,
478
00:20:36,936 --> 00:20:38,605
landlords and-and
tenants alike.
479
00:20:38,671 --> 00:20:46,346
(thud)
ALAN:
Ow!
32654
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