Original subtitles

It's Mom.

Say hi for me.

Hi, Mom.

Alan wants to talk to you.

Hi, Mom.

How was Dubai?

Oh, good, I-I'm glad you met somebody.

Yes, yes, they are a hairy people.

Uh, yeah, I-I don't need to know any more details,

as long as he makes you happy.

That's a detail, Mom.

Oh, no, d-don't worry about your house.

I, uh, I check on it every day on my way home from work.

Yeah, now, that's why I'm the good son.

(chuckles)

Well, uh... have fun with Hamid.

That's another detail, Mom.

Yeah, I'll, uh, I'll see you tomorrow.

Okay, bye-bye.

You haven't been to her house once, have you?

I checked on it with Google Earth.

It's still there.

At least the roof is anyway.

I'll just run over today

and pick up the newspapers and the mail, and, uh,

replace the dead plants.

You don't think she'll notice new plants?

Nah, she doesn't pay that much attention to living things.

Remember when she had the cockatoo?

Oh, yeah.

Polly really wanted a cracker.

Hey, listen, as long as you're going to be in Beverly Hills,

you can drop my Mercedes off at the dealership for service.

Happy to do it. Hey, I don't want to hear it.

You and your kid live here rent-free.

I don't ask for much in return,

so the least you could do for me,

Alan... Charlie, Charlie.

I said I'm happy to do it.

Oh.

Damn, I was all set to bust your balls.

Sorry to disappoint you.

And just so we're clear, my car is cherry,

so if you bang it, ding it, dent it,

or even change the ass-print in the seat,

just keep driving till you get to Mexico,

then bury yourself in the desert.

I understand your concern, and trust me,

I will be very careful.

You know, you're taking all the fun out of this.

Okay, "get car serviced."

Check.

What's next?

Oh, nap time.

(clears throat)

(moans)

Check.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men. *

What the hell are you doing?

Whoa!

(thuds)

You okay?

No, I landed on my ass bone.

Sack up. You'll be fine.

Would you grab my sunglasses while you're down there?

"Recover sunglasses."

Check.

Thanks.

What's so interesting over there?

Nothing.

Hey, you know the rule: if there's topless sunbathers,

you don't hang out and stare at them.

You come get your Uncle Charlie.

Nobody's topless.

Oh.

Then what are you looking at?

Son of a bitch.

Uncheck.

Just some new neighbors.

New neighbors, huh?

What's the deal?

They making s'mores on the barbecue?

No. Chicken?

It has nothing to do with food.

Oh... a girl.

Is she cute?

No, I'm hanging off the balcony

to look at a mutant.

Don't get snippy.

I was just showing an interest.

Why don't you go over there and introduce yourself?

I can't do that. It'd look desperate.

You are desperate.

Come on. We'll both go.

Really?

Yeah, why not?

I got a little window before my next nap.

Thanks.

No problem.

What am I going to say?

I don't know.

Try saying hello.

Hello? That's all you got?

That's all I got that you can use.

* Men. *

I should have peed before we left.

You've just got a nervous bladder.

Wait till you turn 40.

You'll feel like you have to pee while you're still peeing.

You ready to do this? No.

Oh, come on, what's the worst thing that could happen?

She laughs at me?

Oh, that is so sweet.

No, the worst thing that could happen

is she falls in love with you, you get married.

Ten, 12 years later she comes to her senses, leaves you,

takes all your stuff, and you have to go live in your car.

Whoa.

Yeah.

(doorbell rings)

What kind of car do you think I'll have?

Hello.

Hi.

I'm Charlie Harper, and this is Jake.

We live next door.

Right, Jake?

I'm Jake.

Hi, I'm Celeste.

I'm Jake.

Honey, is that the cable guy?

No, Dad, it's our neighbors.

Jerome Burnett.

Hi.

Charlie Harper.

This is my nephew Jake.

We just came by to welcome you to the neighborhood.

Well, that was very nice of you.

Yeah, welcome to the neighborhood.

Bye.

Hang on. Hang on.

Do you know who this man is?

Yeah, her dad. Bye.

This is Jerome Burnett,

one of the great NFL players of all time.

You're very kind. Thank you.

You know what his nickname was, Jake?

No.

Tell him.

Mad Dog.

That's great.

Can I use your bathroom?

Honey, show him where it is.

Come on, Jake.

Lady in the house, Jake. Put the seat back down.

So what have you been up to lately?

Oh, still working for the Chargers.

You know, mostly front office stuff.

Really?

So you probably have access to tickets and such.

I do. Do you want me to hook you up?

Oh, gee, I don't want to impose.

I just came by to say hello.

Can you get me a sky box?

I'll see what I can do.

That'd be great.

And I'm guessing if a, if a player got injured,

you'd probably be one of the first to know about it.

You know, even before the, uh,

what do you call 'em-- bookies?

Don't push it, Charlie.

Hey, Dad, would it be all right

if Jake and I take a walk on the beach?

Yeah, sure, why not?

Thanks. See you later.

Isn't that nice?

That boy touches my daughter,

I'm going to be touching you.

Understood.

(clears throat)

Can I use your bathroom?

* Men. *

Here you go, Mr. Harper.

Oh, oh, thank you.

Mmm... cappuccino.

I wonder what they're serving at the domestic dealerships.

They do take good care of you here.

Of course, they ought to,

considering what we paid for our cars.

Oh, yeah.

They are expensive.

Is that your CL65 outside?

Uh... yes, it is mine.

How do you like it?

What's not to like?

It does everything but trim your toenails.

(chuckling)

Or maybe it does and I just haven't found the button yet.

Not that I need to trim my toenails.

Did 'em last night.

Over the tub.

Clip, ping, clip, ping!

Diane.

Alan.

(both chuckle)

So you live around here, Alan?

Uh, no, I live down by the beach.

Santa Monica? Uh, Malibu.

Ooh, Malibu.

(chuckles)

Yep.

Malibu.

Yeah, uh, we just call it "the Boo."

You know, like, "Hey, how are things down at the Boo?"

Mr. Harper, your car is ready.

Oh, uh, thank you. I'll, uh, I'll be right there.

Well, uh, looks like I'm all done here.

Guess I'll, uh, head back to the Boo.

Don't rub it in.

They told me I'd be here all day.

Oh, that's terrible.

And I'm starving.

Oh, well, they have the little croissants

and the, uh, and the chocolate chip cookies.

Or, uh, maybe I could take you out for a nice lunch.

That would be lovely, Alan.

Thank you. Well, terrific.

Let's go. (both chuckling)

This never happened with the Volvo.

* Men. *

(doorbell rings)

It's 5:00.

Thanks. I almost slept through happy hour.

Where's my little girl?

They're not back yet?

Why else would I be here?

Honestly, I was thinking happy hour.

Let me give Jake a call, see what's keeping 'em.

Yeah, you do that.

Did you try calling your daughter?

She left her cell phone at the house.

(chuckles)

Kids, huh?

It's ringing.

(over phone): * Yo, bitch, I'm gonna slap you up *

* Yo, bitch, I'll slap you up *

* Yo, bitch, I'm gonna slap you up... *

Oh, that's unfortunate on so many levels.

(music continues indistinctly over phone)

* Yo, bitch, I'm gonna slap you up *

* Yo, bitch, I'll slap you up

(music continues indistinctly over phone)

* Yo, bitch, I'm gonna slap you up *

* Yo, bitch, I'll slap you up

* Yo, bitch, I'm gonna slap you up *

* Yo, bitch, I'll slap you up

* Yo, bitch, I'm gonna slap you up *

* Yo, bitch, I'll slap you up

* Yo, bitch, I'm gonna slap you up *

* Yo, bitch, I'll slap you up

* Yo, bitch, I'm gonna slap you up *

* Yo, bitch, I'll slap you up... *

* Men. *

This is just my pied-à-terre.

I spend most of my time out at the beach house.

Looks like you haven't been here in a while.

Oh, just two weeks.

Don't you have someone to come in to water your plants?

Oh, I do, but he's incredibly unreliable.

My brother.

Oh. A bit of a mooch.

So, now that we're here,

what do you want to do?

Ah, gee, I don't know, I...

Oh, well, that's an option.

(ringtone playing)

Oh, excuse me.

Alan Harper speaking.

(hushed): I know who's speaking, you dill weed.

We've got a problem here.

Oh, really?

It's the mooch at the Boo.

So, uh, what's the problem?

Not the wine cellar again, is it?

What are you talking about, you gibbering moron?

Good, good.

Listen to me, your idiot son's about to get me killed.

Oh, so he's okay?

He's great. Probably having the time of his life.

I'm the one in trouble.

Uh, well, I-I-I trust you to take care of it.

Thanks for the update.

Take a bottle of Pinot for yourself.

Alan?

Oh!

My God, I thought there was an eclipse.

Excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom again.

(both moaning pleasurably)

(giggling)

Oh! I knew it.

You're married.

Oh, oh, no-no-no. I'm not married.

This is, uh, this is just, uh...

A silk evening gown.

Actually, I think it's chiffon.

You men are all the same.

No, no, no, wait. Diane, Diane...

You've got the wrong idea.

There's something you don't know about me.

You're gay? No.

You're a cross-dresser? No.

'Cause, you know, I could really get into that.

Yes!

I'm a big, ol' cross-dresser.

Sorry it took so long.

I had a little accident.

Come on, you and me are going to go out

and find those kids.

Jerome, Jerome, hang on.

What?! Oh!

Still pretty nimble.

Let's sit down,

take a deep breath, and talk this through for a minute.

Come on, big fella.

Please?

Make it quick.

Okay, here's the deal.

Jake is harmless.

You don't have a thing to worry about,

unless your daughter's made out of doughnuts.

Which I'm assuming she's not.

Look, Celeste is all I've got.

You don't know what it's like being a single father.

You're right. I don't.

But I do know what it's like

to exploit women with daddy issues.

What the hell are you talking about?

Believe me, if you don't trust your daughter

to make her own decisions, if you try to control her life,

she's just going to grow up to resent you.

And the next thing you know,

she'll be trying to punish you by going out

with some weaselly little con artist like, well, me.

And you can't kill us all.

I can try.

Let me start again.

ALAN: Uh, uh, uh, are you sure this is what you want?

Oh, yeah, baby.

It's always been one of my fantasies.

Oh, okay.

Just a little heads-up:

I'm wearing the panties, but I'm not bikini-safe.

Ugh, my ass looks huge in this.

Diane? (engine starts)

(tires screeching)

Oh, no. Oh, no!

Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!

Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!

Not bad.

(door closes)

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Yes, yes, my car has been stolen.

Yes, just now.

If you hurry, you ca...

Sure, I'll hold.

EVELYN: Why am I not surprised?

Did it have to be my red chiffon?

* Men. *

(sobbing): Then after I blew out my knee,

my wife left me.

Oh, man, I'm sorry.

For a place kicker.

Ooh, insult to injury.

A little, tiny dude from Serbia.

Not a single vowel in his entire name.

Oh, yeah, Grl Zrbnck.

That guy could sure split the uprights.

In a football manner of speaking.

And ever since then, it's just been me and Celeste.

Sure, sure.

I don't know what I'd do

if anything ever happened to her, Charlie.

I'd go crazy.

I'd go crazy just thinking about it.

Well, then, for God's sake, don't think about it.

Come on. Come on.

Let's get you home.

Thanks, Charlie. You're okay.

No problem.

You just kick back and relax.

And when Celeste walks through that door,

all you've got to do is act like nothing's happened.

You think something happened?

No, no, no, nothing happened.

Which is why it's not really acting.

And it will show your daughter that you trust her.

Okay, I'll give it a shot.

You won't be sorry. I promise.

Okay.

Hey, come over to the house.

I've got a couple of tickets

for Sunday's game I want to lay on you.

Oh, you don't have to do that.

I'll just grab my keys. Okay, let's go.

* Men. *

Whatever happened to the guy you tackled

in the Tampa Bay game? Robinson?

He's walking again.

Celeste!

Oh! Hi, Dad.

Hey, Mr. Mad Dog.

Am I going to be walking again?

* Men. *

Listen, Jake.

I'm real proud that you stepped up

and got a little action tonight,

but I've got to ask you something.

What?

Are you out of your freakin' mind?!

I'm sorry.

We just lost track of time.

Yeah, well, thanks to you,

I've got to change my shorts for the second time today.

Oh, there's my phone.

Who are you calling? Celeste.

No-no, no, no, no, no, cool it with Celeste.

And change your ringtone.

(knocking)

Now what?

I'll be with you in a minute.

Jake, go to your room.

No matter what you hear, do not come out.

What? Just go!

Look,

I spoke to the kid.

He's not going to bother your daughter anymore.

So whatever you gotta do, do it to me.

I'm sorry, buddy.

I overreacted.

Okay.

Celeste told me everything.

She told me your boy was a perfect gentleman

and that she wanted to kiss him.

She wanted to kiss him?

You may have bigger problems than you thought.

Hey, here's two tickets for the game.

You take Jake; I'll bring Celeste.

We'll make a day of it.

Oh, thanks. That's... that's great!

Excuse me. Sorry.

Okay, well...

See you Sunday. Sure.

Alan! Where's my car?!

Why are you wearing a dress?!

Alan! (knocking)

Why aren't you in Mexico?!