All language subtitles for Rory Scovel - Religion, Sex and a Few Things in Between (2024)

("Relax" by Frankie Goes
To Hollywood playing)

(singer vocalizing)

♪ Give it to me
one time now ♪

-(music builds)
-(applause)

♪ Well... ♪

(audience clapping rhythmically)

♪ Whoa... ♪

♪ Well... ♪

♪ Now ♪

♪ Relax, don't do it ♪

♪ When you wanna go to it ♪

♪ Relax, don't do it ♪

♪ When you wanna come ♪

♪ Relax, don't do it ♪

♪ When you wanna suck it,
chew it ♪

♪ Relax, don't do it ♪

♪ When you wanna come ♪

♪ When you wanna come ♪

-(audience cheering)
-♪ Relax, don't do it ♪

♪ When you wanna go to it ♪

♪ Relax, don't do it ♪

♪ When you wanna come ♪

♪ Relax, don't do it ♪

♪ When you wanna suck it,
chew it ♪

-♪ Relax, don't do it ♪
-(mouthing)

♪ When you wanna come ♪

(cheering continues)

♪ Come ♪

♪ Whoa-oh-oh ♪

Holy shit!

-Minneapolis!
-(song ends)

(applause, crowd cheering)

(cheering, applause settles)

Alright. I don't know
if I can meet you guys

where you think
we're gonna meet.

(laughter)

Fuck. Alright, good. Thank you.

Thank you guys, uh,
so very much.

I realize the, uh,
the lights and the music

are a little bit much.

(laughter)

Yeah, but,
you know, it's a special.

I don't ever
get to have that.

Whenever I have a show in LA,
just, "Hey, when it's my turn,

"can y'all do,
like, laser lights

"and, like, some music?

"Can you jazz it up
when it's my turn?

"I know I'm just doing
seven minutes,

but do y'all have
any smoke machines?"

(laughter)

It threw some people off,
I'm sure.

As soon as, as soon as you saw
those lights, you're like,

"It is just a speech, right?
Like, what...

What does it say on the ticket?
Like, what is this?"

"Oh, no, no, yeah, no,
it's like crazy music,

"and then they do laser lights,
and then he just comes out

and talks about stuff
he's noticed."

(laughter)

-"Yeah, he does a lot
of Seinfeld's material."
-(laughter)

I should get that outta the way.

I do a lot of Seinfeld's stuff,
you know what I mean?

It's a special. (laughs)
You know what I mean?

It's art. You can-- It doesn't--
You can take and whatever.

-He's doing fine.
-(laughter)

But, yeah, gonna do a little bit
of Seinfeld stuff, uh...

-(laughter)
-tonight,

and, uh, yeah,
got a little dressed up.

Went with the blazer.
Don't usually, uh, do that,

but you come through a pandemic,
you turn 43, you realize

-you can't wear a fucking hoodie
up here anymore.
-(laughter, scattered cheers)

Gotta start dressing
like you wanna be there.

Also, you gotta start
wanting to be there.

(laughter)

So, that's what this is. Yeah.

And I tucked my shirt in

'cause I thought it looked
a little more... Christian.

(laughter)

You see-- Now, you're seeing it.
You're like, "Oh, yeah."

Like, when you do see someone
with their shirt tucked in,

you're like,
"Oh, I bet he goes to Heaven."

-(laughter)
-I bet he does.

If he's dressing like that,

he's going to Heaven.

And you gotta-- You have--
It-It does matter.

Remember when you were a kid,
your parents would be like,

"Alright, we gotta get
ready for church. Dress up."

Even as a kid, you were like,

-"Why does that matter?"
-(laughter)

It does, and you'll see it
when you get to Heaven.

-You're at the gates.
-(laughter)

God's like, "What'd you fuckin'
wear most of the time?"

(laughter)

"Did you look like shit?

"Did you look like
trash shit on garbage?

What did you wear
most of the time?"

(laughs) The person's
not answering God.

Also, why doesn't
God already know?

-"I wanna hear you say it."
-(laughter)

"I wanna hear you say

-what you wore
most of the time."
-(applause)

"Second question, were you
compassionate towards others?"

(laughter)

"No, I'm kidding.
This is Christian Heaven.

If that mattered,
I'd be by myself up here."

(laughter)

And Christians usually hate
that part of the truth.

(laughter)

Christians are usually (laughs)
they're just sitting there like,

"Oh, God, I hope he does do
some of Seinfeld's stuff.

-"I don't want...
-(laughter)

This is not what
I wanted it to be."

Oh, yeah. Have you ever met
someone who's like,

"I've read the whole Bible."
Is your first thought,

"Oh, my God,
we should hang out"?

(laughter)

The whole Bible?

What are you doing tonight?

-(laughter)
-Holy shit. The whole Bible.

You ever seen somebody
with a highlighted Bible?

-Why did that start?
-(laughter)

"I just thought Jesus made such
a good point here and I wanna...

(laughter)

"I just-- I was reading it,
and I was like,

"wait, this is me.

(laughter)

"But Jesus said it back then?

"Huh!

"No, I just thought
Matthew wrote

"such a good letter
to the Ephesians.

(laughter)

"I wanna circle that later
for friendship time

when we discuss it." (laughs)

And I know there's plenty
of people in here like,

"Matthew didn't write
the Ephesians."

-Uh, shut the fuck up.
-(laughter)

Shut the fuck up.
You get the point.

-I'm not gonna look it up,
so the joke is more accurate.
-(laughter)

I'm in my coast phase right now.

Get a laugh, move on.
We don't gotta dig, folks.

Let's keep it moving.

(laughs)

Also, is that even right?
Matthew? Matthew.

That time frame, that region,

-Matthew.
-(laughter)

Is that right?

Are we fuckin' dumb
or is that right?

-Matthew. Matt. There's a Matt.
-(laughter)

"Did you guys meet Matt? Were
you guys able to meet Matt?"

(laughter)

"Hey, what's up?
I'm Matt. Um...

(laughter)

"What's up? One of Jesus's boys,

-(laughter)
-"so, uh, yeah, me and Peter--

"Pete! Petey Pete!
Get out here, dude!

"We write a lot of the letters
that no one asked us to write.

(laughter)

That's our main jam."

(laughs) Those poor
people of Ephesia.

(laughter)

Did they ever write back
to 'em like,

-"Hey, we're good.
I don't know why you...
-(laughter)

I don't know why
you sent us this."

(laughter)

Every day when the mail would
come, like, "What'd we get?"

"It's uh-- It's another letter
from that Matt guy!

(laughter)

"Why did this start?

Who here knows him?
Like, knows him knows him?"

(laughter)

"What's it say?"

"Well, it's...

"to us. From him.

(laughter)

"It just says, 'He unto the moon

"'shall lay in the field
with the wife.

"'And then unto thee shall know

"'that the sacrificed lamb's
blood shall fill the field,

"'and then you shall end up
sowing the wheat.

"'And unto thee, you will know
that amongst them they will then

-"'go among thee unto the house
of thus and thine is they.
-(applause)

"'And amongst they thine
will thus amongst God

"'and unto the moon and the wife
and the dead lamb with the blood

"'and the wheat and the sun
and the earth was there

and all the flowers
and all of it.'"

(laughter)

The whole-- (laughs)
The whole town is just--

(applause)

The whole town doesn't
even know what to think.

They're like, "What? What did--
What does that even mean?"

(laughter)

"Well, I mean,
it's all right there.

You know, I mean,
the moon and stuff."

It's dividing the town.
"Is he talking about my wife?"

(laughter)

(laughs) He's not getting
called on in Ephesia.

(laughter)

"Is he talking about my wife?

-"Is somebody here
fucking my wife?
-(laughter)

"In a field?

Next to a dead animal?!"

(laughter)

(laughs)

How do they even know, like, to
translate what Matthew was even,

like, trying to tell 'em?

Thank God preachers, priests,
and pastors came along.

They're like,
"I can help you translate it.

Side note,
I've never had a real job."

(laughter)

(laughs)

Could you imagine
still going to church?

(laughter)

-(laughs)
-(applause)

-That's not even a joke.
That's not even a joke.
-(laughter)

(laughs) That got an applause.
That was everybody, like,

-"I cannot imagine that.
-(laughter)

"That-- What you're asking me,

"as a member of the audience,

-is impossible.
That's crazy talk."
-(laughter)

(laughs)

I know, yes, there's some people
here who still go to church.

-I'm not asking you
to imagine it.
-(laughter)

I'm asking the other people.

Who, at some point
in their young adult life,

took a step back,
and they were just like,

-"It's a scam, right?
Like, it's...
-(laughter)

It is a scam, right?"

"No, it's not a scam."
(laughs)

"No, God, it's not a scam!
You gotta do it."

(laughter)

And you do. I get it. You do.

You go. You go out of fear.

You'll never admit that,
but you do go out of fear

because when you were a kid,
they were like,

-"If you don't go, you don't
even wanna fuckin' know."
-(laughter)

And as a kid, where you believe
everything adults tell you,

you're like, "I-I will go then!

-Forever!
And I'll never question it!"
-(laughter)

They're, "Good!
'Cause if you question it,

"you also get-- You fuck--
You're fucked.

If you even question it,
you're fucked."

(laughter)

(laughs) But, you do.

You gotta go
if you're gonna figure out

how to get to the next level.

-I think we can
all agree on that.
-(laughter)

"Well, I go because I gotta
get to the next level.

"Fuck this level.

"I gotta get to the next level.

-"That's when you get
your family back!
-(laughter)

Yeah! You get 'em back!"

Not worth it.

-(laughter)
-Not worth--

An hour a week? An hour a week.

-You left home for a reason,
folks. Own up to it.
-(weak laughter)

Oh, I feel like I'm losing
people with this religion stuff.

(laughter)

I'm not gonna lie, I wasn't even
gonna do the religion stuff,

but I'm one of those guys
that's done mushrooms before.

(laughter, applause)

-Yeah.
-(cheering)

And wouldn't you know it?
On, uh, mushrooms, (laughs)

someone told me
that I should do these jokes.

(laughter)

I-I've gone to church,
uh, thousands of times.

I've done mushrooms maybe 30.

Which of those do you think--
and if you get it wrong,

-you have to kill yourself.
-(laughter)

-Which of those do you think
I talked to God the most?
-(laughter)

-And if you get it wrong,
you have to kill yourself.
-audience member: Mushrooms!

-You have to.
-audience member: Mushrooms!

Yes, mushrooms, very good.
Front row. Good placement.

(laughter, applause)

(laughs)

(laughter)

What I love
is the whole place was like,

"Well, the answer's mushrooms,
right?" She was like,

-"I actually do know it!
I actually got it!
-(laughter)

"No, you shut up, babe!
You shut up!

(laughter)

"Oh, yeah? You're rhetorical!

-"You're rhetorical!
-(laughter)

"You are!

-"I don't know what it means!
-(laughter)

"And I'll never know.

And that's my promise
to myself."

(laughter)

Alright, um...

Lemme just-- Lemme just figure
out where I was in the set.

(laughter)

(louder laughter)

What if this is how
I did my special?

(laughter, cheering)

Oh, oh! I've read more
of the Bible than Jesus.

-Is that funny?
-(laughter)

(applause)

Oh wait! H-Have you
ever seen somebody

with a highlighted, uh, Bible,

and you're like, "Uh, hello?
Why are you highlighting it?

-The whole book is good."
-(laughter)

-(louder laughter)
-(scattered applause)

(laughter trails off)

The Pope's clothes.
That's not a red flag?

(laughter)

That's not a red flag
for anybody? That hat.

"Hey, y'all, hold up.
I forgot to put my hat on.

(laughter)

Alright, do I look like
God's best friend or not?"

-(louder laughter)
-(laughs)

All the cardinals are like,
"Uh, yes. Yes, you do.

-That's what God's
best friend would wear."
-(laughter)

(laughs)

No, I-I just learned this.

I don't know if you guys
know this or not,

but, uh, the Pope actually
does have to wear that

because God is in Heaven,

and a lot of times, you know,
the God communicates--

God communicates to us
through the Pope,

which I think, you know,
easy to get on board with that.

And, like, that--
so that's what happens.

And God is in Heaven

and is like, "I have to tell...

"the Pope more
time secrets, and...

(laughter)

"up here,
everyone looks the same!

-(laughter)
-(frustrated scream)

-"Ah! There he is!
-(laughter)

Pope!" (laughs)

Every time
God contacts the Pope,

the Pope's just
walking along.

-(off-mic) "Jesus! God!
God. God."
-(laughter)

Picture that the Pope
is, like, this small,

and God grabs him. "Come!

-"Come here, Pope. Here.
-(laughter)

"Hello!

"It's me, your best friend,

-God!"
-(laughter)

God can hear the words,
but the Pope is so small,

-it's like, "Raaaaawr!
-(laughter)

"I have things to tell you,
so you can then relay it

-"to all the fuckin' idiots.
-(laughter)

-"But first... Mm!
-(laughter)

"Oh, God. To eat the Pope.

(laughter)

So much more succulent
than all the other people."

(laughter)

That actually would be a fun way
for the world to end, right?

-God-- God's just... (roaring).
-(laughter)

And everyone's like, "Oh, fuck!"
And running, like...

-(off-mic roaring)
-(laughter)

Mm!

Throwing people like...

(laughs) Just on
the other side of the universe

within half a second.
Like, "Raa!"

-(laughter)
-(imitates explosion)

(laughs)

"Oh, yum!" (laughs)
We're all running.

Or if you're Christian,
what's the play there?

-Are you running?
-(laughter)

Like, "Run!

Or wait... Like, I want you--
E-Eat me! Eat me."

(laughter)

God reaches down,
like, grabs a horse.

"A horse?!

-"The horse never
went to church!
-(laughter)

Come on, God!"

And sorry I say "he"
when I say "God."

I don't mean to, but it's
so seared into my brain

from when I was a kid.

If anyone here still doesn't
understand

the pronoun discussion,

and I can't even imagine
that you're at this show...

(laughter)

but for any of you guys
who maybe drove in tonight...

(louder laughter)

(smattering of applause)

Thank you.
When I wrote that, I go,

"I hope this gets
a smattering of applause.

(laughter)

Maybe 30 people at the most."

My-My first draft of that joke,
I was like,

"Everyone will love that.
Let's scale it back.

(laughter)

"Everyone would clap at that.

"Nuh-uh. That's not
what this is about.

It's about getting 30." (laughs)

Some people started to clap,
and then were like,

"Oh, everyone's not doing it?
Okay.

(laughter gets louder)

Oh, everyone's not?"
(laughs)

That's the only reason
you got on board.

Uh, wait, what was
I even talking about?

-audience member: Pronouns!
-Thank you.

That guy,
he comes to every show.

(laughter)

(laughs) Hacky little joke
to get you guys back.

(laughs)

"Pronouns." That guy's my dad!
(wild laugh)

And we're back in it.
And we're back.

And we're back.
That's all it takes.

The other thing, the other thing
that I thought was super smart,

30 people clapped.

That guy gets involved,

people are like,
"Get him in the special!

"Hey, let him wear
the clothes and do it!

(laughter)

I got an idea.”

(laughs)

No, I just-- Like, really,

God is the OG they/them,

and I think it's easy
to agree with that,

-no matter-- no matter
what you think.
-(cheering, applause)

If you're like, "Actually,
that's not true."

You're like, "God is a man,"
and if you think God is a man,

that means you think God
has a dick and balls

-and shredded abs always.
-(laughter)

I don't know why, but always.

The only reason
you even think that God is a man

is because of the pronouns

and of all the paintings
you've seen in history.

The audacity to paint God,

but also the vulnerability

to paint God hot? Wow.

-(laughter)
-Wow.

The moment you finish
that painting, like,

"What do you think?"
Like, "Who is it?" "It's God."

They're like,

-"Do you wanna fuck God? What...
-(laughter)

-(applause)
-"What are you talking about?

You're clearly, like,
into older dudes."

-(laughter)
-"Whoa, whoa! Oh, I am?

"Oh, I'm into older dudes

"'cause I painted
the creator of everything

"to have beautiful
flowing white hair?

"So he's older, but I mean,
like, 51.

(laughter)

"Ripped abs, uh,

"doesn't skip leg day.

Hello? I'd worship that."

(laughter)

Other religions don't have that.

You seen Buddha?
Nobody's fucking Buddha.

-(scattered laughter)
-(lone hiss)

Alright, that's a newer joke.
Never do that at a special.

Never do a new joke
at a special. If I can--

When you guys start
doing specials, don't...

(laughter)

I know a lot of you are like,
"But, we'll never do a special."

Like, have you
watched specials? Like...

-Everyone's allowed
to do 'em now.
-(laughter)

Like, get your shit together
and start doing 'em.

I just took my notes out.
This is for fuckin' HBO.

I was like,
"Wait, what am I even here for?"

(laughter)

Not to even to turn the page,
just to rub it.

(laughter)

I love anybody who is
smart enough to know

that God is not a man,

but dumb enough to still think
God is a woman.

(laughter)

Like, you were so close,

and then, you just veered
right back into traffic.

"I gotta get back
in that traffic.

I'm starting to get somewhere."

(laughter)

I saw a bumper sticker
on a woman's car.

It said,
"First, God created man.

Then, he had a better idea."

-Oh, did he? Did he? Did he?
-(laughter)

-Did he, you dumb fuck? Did he?
-(applause)

(applause)

You dumb piece of shit?

-(cheering)
-I saw that car outside.

That person is
in this theater now.

(laughter, applause)

And I say we bring up
all the lights,

-and we find them!
-(laughter)

I say we do that.

For fun, though. For fun.

-To like, you know, get silly.
-(laughter)

(laughs)

No, it just, uh, just, you know,
just to put this out there,

I-I want you guys to know
that I do believe in something.

I think atheists
are very boring. I don't--

-Like, you know, learn to
paint with a little color.
-(laughter)

You talk to an atheist, like,
"No! When you die, dead!

Gone! Black! Nothing! Over!"

It's like, fuckin' kids
hear you say that shit.

(laughter)

One time, my daughter asked me
what happens when you die,

and I was like, "I don't know,
and neither does anyone else,

and anyone who tells you
they know is lying to you."

My wife was like, "Why don't
we pull it back a little bit?

-(laughter, applause)
-(mouthing)

Let's pull it back..."

"Oh, I'm sorry, babe!
I was trying to create

"a core memory right now!
I'm trying to parent!

Trying to parent."

(laughs)

Alright, thi-- Alright, we gotta
start the show. Here we go.

-Okay. Okay! Alright!
-(laughter)

Fire it up!
Action. Here we go.

Fuckin' special.
This is a big night for me.

-I'm uh-- Yeah, no, yeah.
-(cheering)

(applause)

Big night. Probably gonna cheat
on my wife tonight, honestly.

(laughter)

You know what I mean?
Big night like this.

No, I thought about it all day,
and I was just like,

-"You know what?
-(laughter)

If not now, then when?"

(scattered laughter)

-You know what I mean?
-(laughter stops)

And don't--
I-I can feel the vibe.

So many of you
suddenly on her team.

Like, "Oh, don't
do that to her."

You don't even know her, okay?

You don't know
if she deserves this,

and you don't know
if I've earned it.

I'm pretty sure the blazer does
the talking there, doesn't it?

Yeah.

So, just to get through
the announcements here,

uh, if anybody does, uh,
want to fuck tonight...

(laughter)

...you know, try to find me
after the show.

You don't have to find me.
I'll be right-right over there.

(laughter)

Right by the merch table.

You'll be trying to leave.
I'll be, "Whoa, whoa, whoa!

-"Whoa!
-(laughter)

Did you like the show?
You wanna fuck?"

Side note, you don't have
to have liked the show

to want to fuck.

(laughter, applause)

We might get to the end
of this thing,

and I didn't like the show.

Now, we've got that in common?

-Hello? You know what I mean?
-(laughter)

And you know
what that means? Okay.

Do you guys know
what that means?

The most doubtful performer.

"And you guys do know
what that means? Okay."

(laughter, scattered applause)

So, yeah, um,

it does, uh, it does have
to be tonight, though.

(laughter)

Yeah. Outta here tomorrow.

Off to the next town
to fuck whoever lives there.

(laughter)

(laughter increases)

Alright, let's get into it.

-So...
-(laughter)

a little bit about me, uh,

-the guy you're gonna fuck.
-(laughter)

I am, uh, married.
Well, I am, uh, married.

-I said that. I did say that.
-(laughter)

And, uh, I have
an 8-year-old daughter,

-so it's not gonna
be easy tonight.
-(laughter)

There's gonna be some
emotional hurdles, for sure.

More so for me.
You don't even know my daughter.

(laughter)

But, the only reason
I'm telling you about her

is because I want you
to be fully aware

of what you're doing
to her life.

(laughter)

This movie
has two villains, folks.

Yeah. This isn't on me.

Yeah. No, I'm kidding.

And that's how you know
it's a great show

because I point that out.
(laughs)

-"No, guys, I'm joking!
And I have to!"
-(laughter)

The only reason
I'm telling you...

(laughs) The only reason
I'm telling you about her

is because if you know
that I have a daughter,

and you are still down to fuck,

my assumption is that's gonna be
a pretty good time.

(laughter)

Yeah.

If you're the kind of person
that's gonna get there,

and be like, "I don't know,
should we do this?

You have a kid." It's like,
who are you, my wife?

-(laughter)
-I've already fucked you.

I'm looking for
reckless abandon.

Yeah, so my daughter is 8,
and, uh,

-I still don't know
if I want kids.
-(laughter)

I don't know if you ever know.
I still don't.

They're a lot of work.
Very time consuming.

Buddy of mine asked me
to play golf the other day,

and I was like, "I can't.
I've got my kid with me,"

and he was like,
"Ugh, kids are the worst."

I was like, "Okay...

(laughter)

"First off,
you don't even have kids,

and second off,
how do you already know that?"

(laughter)

Yeah, I'm not a great dad.
Not my words.

(laughter)

Wife's diary.

(laughter)

"No privacy," she writes.

(laughter)

-"Hide it elsewhere,"
I scribble back.
-(laughter)

"Hide it elsewhere then."

I'm out here hunting
for secrets. Bedside table?

That's more of
a journal location.

(laughter)

My wife is a, uh,
a witch.

I'm sure there's a lot of men
in here who are like,

"What the fuck?" (laughs)

But, believe you me,
all of the women are like,

-"Go on.
-(laughter)

Do tell.
What chapter is she in?"

(applause)

Nah, she wasn't a witch
when we moved to LA.

-That town did that to her.
-(laughter)

Changed her,
and now here I am,

never known this much
about the moon before.

(laughter)

I didn't know the moon
was a woman.

She said that one day. She goes,
"The moon is a woman."

I was like,
"Well, pick your battles."

(laughter)

"Oh, is it? Oh, well, I guess
I never really thought about it.

-"Well, I gotta get home
to where we already are, so...
-(laughter)

"Let me get outta your hair.

Try to beat traffic if I can."

(laughs)

Could you imagine
arguing with her? (laughs)

-"The moon is a woman." "Nuh-uh!
-(laughter)

Nuh-uh! No, it's not!"

And there's neighbors.
Like, a window's open.

Neighbors are, like, walking by,
like, "Jesus Christ."

"No, it's not.
Then, Earth is a man.

Earth is a man then.
Father Earth."

(laughter)

Neighbors are hearing that.
"Okay."

(laughs)

One night, I came home,
and my, uh, my wife

was setting out
her crystals, obviously.

(laughter)

Or as I like to call them,
her moon rocks,

and we don't fuck
on those nights.

(laughter)

No. We do not get around to it.

I was like,
"What are you doing with these--

What are you doing with these
(laughs) these moon rocks?"

She's like, "Well,
you know, tonight's a full moon,

"so I'm gonna set these out.

"There's gonna be a lotta
lunar energy in the air, okay?

"And these crystals are gonna
absorb that lunar energy,

"and that's gonna
activate the crystals,

and that is really
healthy for us."

And that is where a lot
of the cheating comes from.

-(laughter)
-Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

-Not on her team anymore,
are you?
-(laughter)

Wow.
Massive flip flop right there.

Do I make fun of my wife
for having crystals?

Yes. Low-hanging fruit.
Daddy's gotta eat.

(laughter)

Do I secretly hope
the crystals work? Yeah.

-I'm not a piece of shit.
I love my wife.
-(laughter)

She'll be like, "Oh, does your
knee still hurt?" I'm like yeah.

She's like, "You should rub
my cryscrascreus crystal on it."

"Oh, should I?

"Should I rub
one of your magic rocks

on my very real pain?"

(laughter)

"You and you alone
are killing this family!"

(laughter)

-"Is it the blue one?
-(laughter)

Is it the blue one? Babe!"

(laughter)

That face while, like,
actively participating.

(laughter)

But it does work,
and you're like...

(laughter)

"Okay, wow, okay.

We should be eating these."

(laughs)

Asked my wife once
why is the full moon,

like, such a big deal?
It's just light from the sun,

and all that's happening
is the Earth

is getting out of the way
to share the spotlight

for one night
out of the month.

And, yes, alright, I'm hearing
it now. The Earth...

(laughter)

The Earth is a man. Bleh.

(laughter)

So, we were both right.

My wife was like, "You know,
the moon is pretty important.

"It affects the tides. It has
a lot to do with our existence.

"This is the kind of thing,
at your age,

"you probably should know,

so maybe consider
researching it."

-(mocking gibberish)
-(laughter)

(gibberish)
You wanna know something?

I still don't know
what's in the vaccine,

and I'll never know
what's in the vaccine.

-(laughter)
-I'm not so stupid
I'm gonna go sit down

to find out
how fucking dumb I am.

Yeah, I got the vaccine.
Yes, I got all the boosters.

If it saves my life, fine.
If it kills me, great.

(laughter)

(scattered applause)

But, the last thing
you will ever see me do

-is Google,
"What's in the vaccine,"
-(laughter)

and then sit there
and pretend as though

I understand
the words that I'm reading.

(laughter)

"Whoa, Glorbisol?!
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

"Actually, whoa. Actually,
that is, like, a big deal.

"I didn't know we were
there yet with Glorbisol.

(laughter)

"Glad that's in there,
but I'll tell you what,

"that Tetratranizine?

"That's got me wondering

who's really in charge?"

-(laughter)
-(laughs)

Remember all those people
that are like,

"You better research it.
Know what's in it

before you put it in your body."

A lot of those people
willingly eat at Golden Corral.

-(laughter)
-Yeah.

-(applause)
-No one makes them do it.

They enter that "restaurant"
on their own volition.

(laughter)

"Well, they got this chocolate
fountain, you see,

"and you just walk in
and you put your hands...

(laughter)

"Oh, the sweet chocolate
just all over your face.

"Dripping into your mouth.

"I love it so much,
I'll take my chicken tenders,

-"and I'll just...
-(laughter)

"let 'em swim
through the chocolate.

"Eat 'em at the same time.

"That way,
I get to dessert faster.

"I know all the tricks
at Golden Corral.

(laughter)

"But, when it comes to vaccines,

-"I'm a little bit of
a health nut, actually. Yeah.
-(laughter)

"Actually yeah, I'm actually
a pretty big health nut. Yeah.

Whoa! What's in it?" (laughs)

(laughter)

None of those motherfuckers know
what's in it either,

and I'm basing that 100%
on their clothing.

(laughter)

You wanna sell me on science,

you need to dress
the fuck up a little bit.

(laughter)

Remember those videos
during the pandemic?

You'd be watching it, somebody's
like, talking about the vaccine.

You're like,
"Mm, not in that outfit, bud.

(laughter)

"I've seen smart people,

"and they're not wearing
those clothes.

Nope. Nope."

(laughter)

(laughs)

We only got the vaccine
'cause a dude

who lives up
the street from us,

he said it was good to go,

and he wears a tie to work.

(laughter)

That's all I needed.

My wife was like, "Well, we
don't really know what's in it."

I was like, "Babe!

-"Jason said it's good to go!
-(laughter)

"He wears a tie to work!

"You can't just do that!

(laughter)

"You earn something like that!

"Yeah, I don't like that
he wears sneakers with it,

-"but when you're the manager
of a grocery store,
-(laughter)

"you gotta be able to think
on your feet,

and that's Jason."

(laughs)

"Gotta research it."
You wanna hear something?

I've been to the doctor before,
and the doctor's been like,

"Alright, I'ma give you
a shot now."

I've just been like, "Okay."

(laughter)

I don't even think I was sick.

"Alright, you're due
for a shot."

"Great. Can I leave after this?

"'Cause I hate it here.
I hate it.

(laughter)

"It's the most expensive,
worst place.

"I wanna leave.

(laughs)

"If you gimme, like, four shots,

"does that mean I don't have
to come back for,

-like, eight years?"
-(scattered laughter)

-Alright, we'll edit
that part out.
-(louder laughter)

When we edit this, can we please
pump in so many laughs

-it's so clearly not the crowd?
-(laughter)

It's, like, literally
like a stadium.

When I come out with the lights,

can we, like, just get,
like, some audio from,

-like, a Taylor Swift concert?
-(laughter)

Like, screaming, like,

-"I don't think that theater
is that size."
-(laughter)

Also, I-- Look, this is just
a note for Jeff, the director.

At some point,
could we just, like-like,

dub in someone
in the crowd being like,

-"He's fuckin' great.
-(laughter)

Wow. Wow."

And, like, someone over here,

we just kind of hear it,
they're like,

"I can't believe I'm just now
hearing about this guy.

(laughter)

Wow. Whoa!"

And then, like, over here,
someone's like,

-"I heard he donates
a lot of money
-(laughter)

to different things
that are worth it."

They don't even describe it.

"I heard he donates
to things that need it."

(laughter)

It makes them seem dumb.

(laughter)

Do you guys
remember when, uh,

when kids couldn't
get the vaccine,

but adults could? And there was
a part of you that was like,

"Oh, no, the kids."

But, you know,
I think it worked out.

(laughter)

'Cause if the kids
could've been vaccinated

and all the adults died,
now we got a kid planet.

(laughter)

Y'all!

What are we gonna do
with a kid planet?

-They are dumb.
-(laughter)

They don't know how to take
care of the Earth like we do.

(laughter)

You ever seen kids
playing together,

just instinctually
loving each other

and getting along
across racial divides?

It's like, what are y'all doing?

(laughter)

What are y'all
even doing right now?

(laughs)

Can I call a quick timeout?
Just quick, uh, um...

timeout. So, if anyone's
reviewing the show, grow up.

(laughter)

How did you turn that into
a job? That's absurd to me.

Unless you think
this part's funny,

-then put it in the review.
-(laughter)

How deep into climate change
are you guys willing to go

before you
murder-suicide your family?

(laughter)

(scattered applause)

(laughs) My-- My physicality
becomes so theatrical.

(laughter)

(laughs) Alright,
a few people laughed at that.

-(laughter)
-Let's go ahead and label them

"Greatly under-prepared
for the big day."

It's the people who didn't laugh
that I connected with the most.

(laughter)

Everybody who didn't laugh
was like,

"Well, we're in a timeout.
This isn't even a joke.

(laughter)

"Why would you waste a joke
in a timeout?

Secondly, this is
a real question."

Here's what I wanna know.

When the pillars of society
have fully crumbled,

is day one too soon?

(weak laughter)

You know what I mean?
Like, "Honey!

Can you guys come in here?
Backwards?"

(stronger laughter)

Here's my biggest fear.
I've just killed my family...

(laughter)

and now I can't find the courage
to take my own life.

(laughter)

(laughter increases)

In less than 2 minutes,
I had to find out

I'm a horrific monster

and a little bit of a pussy.

(laughter)

Now, I gotta date again?
Dude, huh?

Date? These apps.
I don't know that world.

Swiping and stuff,
that was after my time.

-So, that was pretty fun.
-(laughter)

Kinda started out
with everyone being like,

"Fuck, this dude's
gonna kill his family."

Then, by the end of it,
everyone agreed, like,

"Well, yeah, dating is hard,
I mean..."

(laughter)

-Alright, time in.
-(laughter)

Yeah.
And we're back. And we're back.

Yeah. So,
that's a little bit about me.

That's the guy you get to fuck
right there.

(laughter)

Guy who's willing
to kill his family.

To save them.
If you see it that way.

But, that's what I got.
Got the wife, kid, house,

cute as fuck little puppy dog.
Got all that.

Tell you what I've never had.

-Threesome.
-(laughter)

Willing to throw it all away
for half of one.

-(laughter)
-Half!

Gimme half.

And there's some math nerds
amongst us.

-(laughter)
-"Hey, whoa. That's 1.5.

"In what world, pal?
In what world?

1.5."

I don't even know
why I want a threesome.

If you put me
in a threesome tonight,

-there's no way
I don't cum immediately.
-(laughter)

I might cum so quick,
we don't even do anything wrong.

(laughter)

"Alright, you ready
to get into it?"

"Been good for about 10 minutes,
actually. Yeah.

"No, I'm all set.

-(laughter)
-"What's that?

"Oh, when you were telling the
story about how your dog died.

"Yeah, no, caught me
off guard, too.

-"But, you know, when you cum,
you cum. Yeah.
-(laughter)

"What am I gonna do, hold it in?

-"I don't even know
how to do that.
-(laughter)

"But, I would like it
if y'all left.

"I'd like to get out
of these clothes.

"Starting to feel like a little
bit of a jellyfish down here.

-(laughter)
-"Yeah.

"Only thing stinging me, though,
is my new lack of dignity.

Yeah, I appreciate ya.
I appreciate y'all."

-Polite ending to a threesome.
"I appreciate ya.
-(laughter)

"Hey! Hey! Turns out, y'all just
showing up was enough.

(laughter)

-Pretty cool.
That's pretty cool."
-(applause)

(laughs)

No, I saw a threesome in porn.
Yes, I saw a threesome in porn.

-That's how I know
about threesomes.
-(laughter)

I didn't stumble
into a threesome

to learn that they exist.

Like, "Is this the coat closet?

Whoa! The numbers are off!"

(laughter)

(laughs)

"Y'all want me to jump in,
run a little two-on-two?"

(laughter)

(laughs)

No, it was porn.

You ever Google "porn addiction"
just to see where you stand?

(laughter)

-(louder laughter)
-(scattered applause)

Get to the website. It's like,
"How often do you masturbate?"

It's like,
"Don't fuckin' ask me questions.

"Show me other people's answers!

"I'll decide what
rock bottom is.

"Like you to hurry it up, too.

I got this gang bang video
I'm trying to watch."

(laughter)

You ever put on
a gang bang video

just so you can sit there going,
"Hey, leave her alone."

(laughter)

"She wants them to do that?
What the fuck?"

(scattered applause)

If you don't know
what a gang bang is,

I implore you, look it up.

You will instantly learn
that not everybody's like you.

(laughter)

People are into
very different shit,

and you need to start
asking yourself,

-"Am I in the way?"
-(laughter)

If you do go
to look it up, though,

you're probably gonna go
to a porn site.

Just a little friendly tip.

When you get there,
you might run into

some cartoon porn pop-up ads.

(scattered laughter)

Okay. Thought more people
would relate to that.

(louder laughter)

Sorry! Sorry!

I thought everyone would
know what I was talking about.

Let's move on.
You know what I mean?

I'm just up here
being wildly vulnerable.

(laughter)

I'm just trying to say
it's jarring when you see it.

I'm not there for that.

I'm there for good
old-fashioned, missionary-style

-step-family stuff.
-(laughter)

Why did that get a bigger laugh
than the cartoon thing?

You can't know one
without the other.

-(laughter)
-(applause)

I'm there for people porn,
and now I gotta watch

the "Family Guy"
fuck Lois from behind.

That's a specific reference.

(laughter)

It's ruined that show for me.

Now, when that show comes on TV,
I'm like, "I can't watch this.

-"They never fuck.
-(laughter)

And I need that in the story.
I need it."

No, I've never been
in a gang bang.

(laughs)
It gets all sad. "Ah..."

(laughter)

-I just leave.
-(laughter)

I've never been in a gang bang.

You guys know that.

Moment I walked out here,
everybody here was like,

"This guy's never fucked
in a group setting."

(laughter)

It's the shittiest special.
I'm here the whole time.

(laughter)

Can this please be the trailer
for the special?

(laughter)

And it's just called
"Behind the Curtain."

(applause, cheering)

Everyone who's not clapping,

-what did I ever do to you?!
-(laughter)

I'm giving you all I got!

I'm sweating blood up here,
talking about relatable topics!

-Like gang bangs and stuff...
-(laughter)

And I'm strong enough
to admit to you strangers

-that I've never
even been in one.
-(laughter)

I don't even know
how you get invited.

(laughter)

Are you just at a bar

and someone
comes up to you like,

"Hey, you look pretty chill.

"We're all gonna go back
to Linda's tonight and fuck her.

-You wanna do that?
You wanna do that?"
-(laughter)

"Oh, yeah! Yeah! Okay. Yeah.

-"Yeah, dope.
That sounds dope AF.
-(laughter)

"That actually sounds dope AF.

Is that Linda there? Hey!
Hey, Linda, how are you?"

(laughter)

It's such a small town, though.
"How is your mom and dad doing?

"Are they... They're-- Okay,
she's back from the hospital?

-"Good.
-(laughter)

No, I need to call her."
He knows the mom.

-"No, I-I should've
called her by now.
-(laughter)

"Anyways, uh, I'm gonna go
to the fuck party.

What time are you getting
there?" That casual.

"Hey, what time do you think
you'll get there?"

(weak laughter)

I'm gonna do it one more time
because I think some people,

-they aren't fully seeing it.
-(strong laughter)

"Hey, hey, hey...

-Do you know what time
you're gonna get there?"
-(laughter)

Right?

"Hey." (laughs)
Why is she not listening?

-"Hey. Hey, Linda. Psst.
-(laughter)

"Psst. (mouthing)

-(laughter)
-"Linda!

(mouthing)

"Do you know what that means?
Linda.

"Linda, do you know
what that means?

"Do you know what that means?

"So, what time are you
gonna get to the...

(laughter)

What time do you think
you'll do that?"

(laughs)

I've never been to a gang bang,
but I know that much.

-Find out what time
she's gonna get there.
-(laughter)

You're there fuckin' early

with a bunch of boners
standing around.

One dude's chain smoking, like,

"Where-- Has anyone
even texted her?"

(laughter)

-"I just wanna fuck her
with y'all.
-(laughter)

"I just think y'all would
be cool to fuck her with.

Like, where is she?"

(laughs) She loves to host.

She just comes in
with groceries, "Sorry!"

That's Linda. That's Linda.

"Oh, sorry! Ah! Sorry."

(laughter)

That's who a group of men
are about to fuck.

"Sorry! There's one more bag
in the trunk.

-Can you go get it?"
-(laughter)

Dude's got a boner.
He's naked, like,

"Ok-- Fu-- Alright, fine.

-I-I always gotta go get it."
-(laughter)

"I just grabbed
some chips and dips.

"I know y'all get hungry
during your timeouts.

Do y'all like the red Gatorade
or is that my Friday group?"

(laughter)

How does it start?

You know what I mean?
Do people just start kissing?

Someone in here does know.

-(laughter)
-Statistically, someone...

in this 70,000-seat theater,

-you know what I mean?
Just to match. To match.
-(applause)

You know what I mean? To match.

(cheering)

For everyone who didn't clap,
I also don't know

why the people
who did clap clapped.

-I don't even know either.
-(laughter)

speaker (dubbed in):
They clapped because he's
gonna win an Emmy for this.

Someone in here is like
just sitting there, like,

-"I know how it starts."
-(laughter)

And they're saying
that to themselves,

which is like,
who is that even for?

-"I know how many
(giggles, gibberish)."
-(laughter)

(laughs) They're not even
sitting in their seat.

They're, like, in front
of their seat,

and no one in the row
is calling them out.

(laughter)

(laughs) There's, like--
There's like a super emo person

just, like, watching
this, but in the, in the aisle.

(laughter)

(laughter)

Hasn't laughed at anything,
sitting like that-- (laughs)

Other people in the row-- Other
people in the row are like,

"That's weird, right?"

(laughter)

Ha-- Like, hates the show.

(laughter)

(laughs)

Ugh, it's the worst
when you do a lay-down gag,

and then you gotta
stand back up.

-(laughter)
-(audience member whoops)

I wish you could just be
down here the whole time.

Just like a coach.

-"Hey, come on, y'all.
Get in here."
-(laughter)

Like, this does feel better.

"Y'all know about gang bangs?
Come on, get in here.

-"Get in here! (gibberish)
-(laughter)

-"Come on, come on, come on.
No-no-no-no-no!
-(applause)

"No-no-no, get over here.
Get over here.

Y'all heard about this?"

(laughs)

Do people just start kissing?

Is that what it is?
People start kissing,

"Hey, tell them in the back,
they're getting started."

"Hey! Hey, if y'all wanna
come inside,

"they're starting to kiss.

-Looks like Linda's
about to blow a dude."
-(laughter)

They're just in the backyard,
like, "Okay, cool."

(laughter)

Right?
You know what I mean?

You're not gonna drop the ball
and just go fuck Linda.

-(laughter)
-You probably got
a pretty good rhythm.

You're gonna have to throw
a few more passes.

Don't you hate it when
you throw the football

with somebody who
always has to, like,

do, like, this
weird hike? Like...

(laughter)

Every time they do it,
you're like,

"You could just throw it.
You don't have to...

-(laughter)
-whatever you're doing there.
Just throw me the ball."

The worst is when you throw
the football with someone,
they're like...

-(laughter)
-"No, I'm-I'm not
gonna run routes."

-(laughter)
-(scattered applause)

-"Nice catch.
-(louder applause, cheering)

"Nice catch.
You're a hell of a receiver.

Can't wait to fuck Linda
with you."

-(laughter)
-(laughs)

(laughs)

No, I know myself.
If I was at the gang bang,

they're like, "Alright, Rory,
your turn to fuck her."

I'd be like,
"Ah, she don't like me."

(laughter)

Hunched shoulders,
but does have a boner.

Like, that bashful,
does have a boner,

shoulders are, like,
hunched over, like, "Nah.

(laughter)

Nah, you guys go fuck. I'm--
She doesn't like me."

Like, sifting, like,
dirt that isn't even there.

They're just right there
in the living room,

like, on the carpet.
"No, you guys go ahead."

(laughter)

Completely naked, but hand
where a pocket would be.

"No...

(laughter)

"You guys go fuck Linda.

"I'ma hang back,

"rip into some of
these Tostitos.

(laughter)

Thank God she bought these."

It's kinda fun to picture.

She's, like, set up
a whole, like, snack table.

Guys are just, like, popping in
and out, just like,

"Okay, yeah. Yo, you go.
You go fuck her. I'll be good."

(laughter)

There's like a casserole.
(muttering)

"Linda, it's hard to cut!
You got...

-(laughter)
-(mouthing)

-(off-mic groaning)
-(laughter)

"And I got ketchup
on my bare skin!

How am I gonna get that out?"

(laughs)
You're at that gang bang.

(laughs)

Can I open up to you guys
for a second?

-(laughter)
-(audience member whoops)

I love going down on my wife.

(cheering, applause)

I am not good at it,

(laughter)

But, I do love to do it.

A lot of times I go to do it,
just doing my best.

-She says it hurts.
-(laughter)

I don't know how you do it.

I don't know
how you learn to do it.

I'm sure a lot of the women
in here are like,

"You could try listening."
Meh, shut up.

-(laughter)
-Shut up. Shut up.

I'll figure it out.

I'm 43. I've got time.

As our libidos dissolve daily,
I'll figure it out.

(laughter)

I don't know how you learn.

That's not a birds-and-bees chat
with Dad in the backyard.

Just tossing
the baseball around. "Hey, Dad?

"You ever go down on Mom?

-(laughter)
-Goddamn."

Dad's throwing heat.
Doesn't have to, but is.

"Fuck, dude.

-"You ever eat her out?
-(laughter)

"Dad, you ever eat out Mom?

"Dad, you ever eat out Mom?

"Dad, you ever eat her out?

-"Dad! Dad!
-(laughter)

You ever eat her out?
You ever eat her out?"

If you're not laughing at this,
fuck you. Fuck you.

(applause)

Seinfeld closes with this.

(laughter)

Can we stop saying
"Eat her out"?

That's not what
you're supposed to do.

I now know.

(laughter)

My wife will be like, "Fuck!
Are those your teeth?"

-"Yeah!
-(laughter)

"Chewin's the first part
of eatin'!

"I wanna eat you, babe!

(yelling)

(yelling)

I eat you up
and gobble you down!"

(laughter)

(laughs) At this point,
everyone's like,

"I don't think she cares
if he cheats.

-I don't think she cares."
-(laughter)

(applause)

"Oh, yeah?
You're going back on the road?

"Alright, just remember,
get a lot of that energy out

before you get home."

"Okay!

(laughter)

"I'm gonna eat
someone in Minneapolis!

"I'm gonna eat 'em up!

-(chewing)
-(laughter)

Eat 'em out!
Can't wait to eat 'em out."

(laughs)

(laughs)

I don't know how you learn.
I guess it's adult films.

And yes, I say films.

-(laughter)
-Every time you say films,
we're like,

"Oh, yeah?
They're really films?"

Yeah, it turns out they are.

They make you cum.

-That's a film.
-(laughter)

Don't degrade yourself so much,

you're out there
jacking off to "movies."

-(laughter)
-That's gross.

-Did you guys see
that movie "The Whale"?
-(scattered yeses)

-Did you cum
when you watched it?
-(laughter)

'Cause it's a movie.
It's not a film.

I got out my laptop,

brought up an adult film clip.
This guy was...

eating out this (mutters)...

(in Southern accent)
He was eating her out.

(normal)
He was aggressive. She loved it.

(laughter)

Pointed that out to my wife.
I go, "Look at that."

She goes, "She doesn't love it,
Rory. She's acting."

I was like,
"You shut the fuck up.

-"Right now.
-(laughter)

"This is real,
and I need it to be real,

or I lose everything."

My wife was like, "I don't care
if she likes it or not.

"I don't want you doing to me

what those men do
to those women."

I said, "You got it,
but you better listen up.

"I do want you doing to me...

(laughter)

"anything that those women do.

"Anything they say,
you say that to me.

"Even wildly out of context,
I bet I can roll with it.

Show you why those improv
classes were such a big deal."

(laughter)

Tell you guys a phrase
my wife hates.

"Hey, lemme fuck
those tits real quick."

(laughter)

She'll be like,
"What did you say?"

I'm like,
"I didn't say anything.

"Maybe subconsciously
you heard something

-"that you wish I would do
that I'll never do.
-(laughter)

"'Cause when I've seen
people do it, it does not look

"fun as fuck.

Looks yucky, and so I'll never
do it ever 'cause it's yuck."

(laughter)

No, look, the word is tit-fuck.
That's not on me.

That word was here
before we got here.

-We were
grandfathered into that.
-(laughter)

I had a friend
tell me one time, he goes,

"Hey, when you go on stage,
why don't you say booby sex?"

-"Mm, okay.
-(laughter)

"Nah, I'm just out there
trying to win over strangers.

"Why don't I say booby sex,
so they can all assume

-"I'm a fucking serial killer.
-(laughter)

Great idea, friend."

(scattered applause)

I haven't talked to that friend
since that suggestion.

(laughter)

A lot of people in this room,

you've done it,
or you've had it done to you,

just real quick question,
then we'll start the show.

(laughter)

When you are doing it,

-are you supposed to feel
stupid the whole time?
-(laughter)

Is that what it is?

Is that the point of it?
We'll be doing it,

and my wife's like,
"Is this what you wanted?"

And I'm just like... (scoffs)

(laughter)

-"I don't know!
-(laughter)

(scattered applause)

"On paper, yeah.

"Yeah. All day, every day.

"Now that we're here
doing it though,

-"it'd be great
if you showed up.
-(laughter)

"I'm out here
on a goddamn island.

I'm out here on Titfuck Island."

(laughter)

And those are
the T-shirts we'll have,

um, just over there.

Stop over, grab one,
wear it in public.

-Let people assume
how you voted.
-(laughter)

We got onesies, too.
Don't-- You know, come over.

I put out a special in,
uh, 2017,

and I opened that special
by, uh, talking about anal sex,

and I'll never forget
the night my wife and I

sat down to watch it
for the first time.

(laughter)

We were on the couch.
There it was on the screen,

just had to hit play
to get it going.

And we're sitting there,

you know,
we've had Netflix for a while.

We've seen a lot
of things on it,

and here we were, tonight,
gonna watch something on it

that I had made,
and that felt so special.

We hit play.
I did all those anal sex jokes.

My wife pauses it,
looks at me, and says,

"You know my parents are
gonna see this, right?"

(laughter)

I just went white.

"We can't change the past!

Oh! God, we can't go back!"

When I thought of that joke,
when I performed it,

when I, you know, toured it,

when we, you know,
did it for the special,

when we cut the special,

at no point did
I step back and go,

"I wonder
who's gonna see this."

(laughter)

(sighs) The next time
I saw her dad...

just two bulls
locking eyes in the night.

(laughter)

(laughter)

"What do you wanna do, Jeff?
What do you wanna do?

"You wanna know the deal?
Here's the deal.

"Either I can buy us a house,

-"or you can buy us a house.
-(laughter)

"But, this is all
I know how to do, Jeff.

"I don't even know
how to buy a house.

(laughter)

"All I know how to do
is travel the world

"and have strangers pay me

"to talk about fucking
your daughter's ass.

(laughter, applause)

"They're the weirdos, Jeff!

"You're kinda shooting
the messenger here.

I'm a good guy."

(scoffs)

(laughs)

I don't-- And I feel like maybe
there's someone in here

who can relate to this.

I don't at all want to...

-suck a dude's dick.
-(laughter)

But, I do wanna know
if I'd be any good at it.

(laughter)

So, if anyone here's
sitting there like,

"I wonder if he's competitive,"
let that be my answer.

(laughter)

Like, if someone ever, like,
breaks into my house

and has, like, a gun
to my head and is like,

"Suck this dude's dick,"
I'll be like, "Finally.

(laughter)

(sighs) Let's find out!"

(applause)

(laughs)
But my wife is over here,

guy's got a gun
to her fucking head,

I'm like,
"Make sure she can see!

-"Make sure she can see!
-(laughter)

"Can you see me?
Can you see my hands?

Because I use them, too!
I use them, too!"

(applause)

It's cree-- (laughs)
It's creeping out the guys.

Like, "What the fuck? What?

Fuck. Let her go!
Let's get outta here!"

(laughter)

My wife's like, "Oh, my God.
You saved our lives!"

-I'm just like, "No!
-(laughter)

"Fuck! That was my chance!

"Now, I'll never know!

(laughter)

(crying)
I'll never know if I was gonna
be any good at it."

(laughter)

(normal, laughs)
They're in couples therapy,
like, a week later.

The therapist is like,
"So, what happened?"

-(laughter)
-(sighs)

"These guys broke
into our house."

And that's how they tell it.

"These guys broke
into our house, okay?

He's always wanted to know
if he could suck a dude's dick."

-(laughter)
-"Yeah, yeah, yeah."

They're, like, actually weirdly,
like, in unison.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
She tells it better than I do.

"She tells it better than me.

(laughter)

(scoffs)

"Anyways, I got-- (laughs)

"There's a gun to my head.
He's looking at me. He's like,

'You better watch
how I use my hands if I get...'"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She never uses her hand.

-(laughter)
-She never uses her hand!"

Ah, fuck.

Goddamn it. Alright.

Tell you guys the biggest fight
my wife and I ever got into.

One night,
I was leaving the house,

turned back and looked at her,

and I said, "Oh, yeah?

"What if every time I came,
I came as much as a whale?

Then what are you gonna
fuckin' do?"

(weak laughter)

Alright.

-Judgy Saturdays
down here in Minneapolis.
-(laughter)

"Let's go down to the show
and judge him."

(laughter)

You don't know
what she said to me,

so why don't you guys
shut the fuck up?

(laughter)

Also, I wouldn't even be
talking about whale cum

if it weren't for that--

for that goddamn
"Blackfish" documentary.

-Did you see that?
-audience member: Yes!

That documentary where
they're just showing you

all the horrific things
they do to the killer whales?

I was just watching it,
just looking at it, like,

"Jesus Christ. I can't believe

they fucking do this
to these whales."

And then, they get to a scene

where they're
jacking off the whale.

Why is that in the movie?

(laughter)

It's starting to look more
like a film.

(laughter, applause)

(applause, cheering)

It's insane.
Your heart is all twisted up,

then you see that,
and you're like,

"Well, that's not so bad.
I mean...

(laughter)

Well, it's good
they do that." (laughs)

You hope that's how the whale
feels, you know what I mean?

Poor thing in fucking captivity,
living in a swimming pool

when its natural habitat
is the fucking ocean.

It's so clearly depressed.
Its dorsal fin is, like, over,

but there it is,
laying on its back

-while three "scientists"
-(laughter)

jack off its dick.

And you hope that whale
is laying there thinking,

"You know what?

"You can't get this
out in the sea.

(laughter)

"Not too shabby on Tuesdays!

When the humans jack off
my big whale dick."

(laughter)

Picture a whale's dick.

-It's bigger than that.
-(laughter)

And they're just fuckin'
jacking it off.

And this thing
is cumming buckets.

Buckets worth of whale cum.

Not one bucket, like I would
think and you would think.

-Multiple buckets.
-(laughter)

Multiple buckets of whale cum.

I feel a lot of you actively
pushing me away right now.

(laughter)

We've come this far.

Multiple buckets of whale cum.

And they were happy to do it.
"Just gimme another. (laughs)

Gimme another bucket, Jeremy."

"You got it, Steve."

(humming)

They're just sloshing whale jizz
everywhere, wasting most of it.

-(humming)
-(laughter)

(continues humming, laughs)

This dude over here is like,
"What the fuck? Hurry up!

"I'm losing buckets
worth of whale cum!

Buckets worth."

"Shit, alright, here.
Catch it." (laughs)

If you worked at SeaWorld,

and they came up to you one day,
and they said, "Hey, look,

-we're short-staffed today,"
-(laughter)

you know what you would do.
I know what I would do.

If they came up to me
and they're like, "Look,

we're short-staffed today."
I'd be like,

-"With people who help
jack off the whales?
-(laughter)

"Is that what this is
an inquiry about?

"'Cause I'm in!

"Is that what-- 'Cause I pulled
in the parking lot, I was like,

"'Where's all the
whale-jacker-offer people?'

"I'll do it. If you need me,
I'll do it.

I'll do it if you need me.
If you need me, I'll do it."

I'm watching that movie,

and I'm just getting broken up,

and I think to myself,
I'm gonna get online.

Maybe there's a website I can
go to where I can figure out

how to donate money
to help save these whales.

And, of course, my ADHD brain

immediately has to go to Google
and find out

how much cum does a whale cum
when a whale cums?

My wife looks over and she goes,

"Maybe if you focused
on your own cum,

we'd be pregnant by now."

(laughter, scattered ohs)

You already know
what I said back to her...

(laughter)

So, we'll leave it at that.

Minneapolis, I love you.
Thank you very much.

-(applause, cheering)
-Good night. Thank you.

("Relax" by Frankie Goes
To Hollywood playing)

♪♪

-(flames burst)
-(crowd cheering)

♪♪

(song continues)

♪ Ow, ow, ow ♪

♪ Laser beam me ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ One, two, three ♪

♪ Relax ♪

♪ Don't do it ♪

♪ Relax ♪

♪ When you wanna come ♪

♪ Come on ♪

♪ Woo! ♪

♪ Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh... ♪

♪ I'm coming, I'm coming ♪

♪ Hey hey hey hey hey... ♪