Original subtitles

LETTERS TO SANTA

This is Nicholas Konieczny. Welcome at dawn once again.

It's eight past eight, December 24th.

There's one thing I don't really get.

You've been calling me with wishes since early morning.

Is there a celebration coming? Let me check the calendar.

On December 25, 1 991 the Soviet Union collapsed.

Wow, I hope that's not it. . .

On the same day, 1 954, Annie Lennox was born in Aberdeen, Scotland.

Happy Birthday Annie but, no offence, that can't be it either.

In 1 938 Vivien Leigh got the part of Scarlet O'Hara in Gone with the Wind.

Misiek loves it, don't you Misiek?

Not sure if it's enough for such a celebration, though. . .

Oh! Got it!

The coronation of Boleslaw the Bold in Gniezno in 1 076!

Oh, there's one more! On December 25th in the year 1 C.E.

Jesus Christ was born, so he was a Capricorn.

Are you out of your mind?! You don't cross here!

Out of the way! Shoo!

So it's Christmas Eve. It's a grand day. A short one, too,

so let's not waste time. Welcome, in this magical aura.

This is St Nicolas and his loyal Elf - Misiek. Now l see why elves

are to be invisible. They work their fingers to the bone to make your

wishes come true. Waiting for your calls and wishes

at 22 453 33 63.

Guys, do you have change for a tenner?

Go, guys! What a beautiful morning! Let's go! Let's go!

Are you ready for the most exciting day of the year? Any news?

A real mess, boss, but we're coping.

And the news is, your father called. He's coming to see you.

Crap. No! Santa doesn't strut around like that!

He strides in this Christmassy macho manner. Work on it! Anything else?

We're missing one Santa at the Arcadia mall.

- That's Gibson's job, isn't it? - Yes, but he isn't answering, sir.

Great! Problem solved!

Well, no. . . I'll keep calling him . . .

Brilliant! I knew you'd think of something!

- Did he say what time he'd be here? - Who?

- My father. - Oh, no, he didn't.

- Do something! - Like what?

I don't know, call him on his mobile!

All right.

Mel! Pick up!

Pick up! Pick up!

Mel, are you there? Please answer!

- Hello. . . - Quiet!

You're supposed to be at the mall!

Relax, honey, l'm on my way.

I just needed to stop off and spread some Christmas joy.

- Are you coming soon? - I am! I'm coming really soon.

- Mel! - I'm coming! Almost there!

We have our first caller who'd like to tell us what she wishes to get from Santa.

What I'd really like is for Santa to clean my room. My dad

promised to buy me a Play Station console when my room's clean.

Apparently, Santa can expect all kinds of wishes.

I wonder how much work he'd have in your room. We'll be back in a moment.

Szczepan.

- What are you doing? - You'll see.

Does your father know you smoke?

Why? Do you have a problem with that?

No. Everything's cool.

My old man's a jerk.

It's a quarter past seven. I've heard there's a letter for me.

I've already written that I wanted an Mp4 player but I'd prefer cash now.

And why is that?

I've found a good discount on it,

so I'd really be up on the deal with the cash.

Makes perfect sense.

This way, sir!

Tosia!

Tosia, get back here!

Be careful, sir!

I'll go get a ladder.

Tosia, come here! Come back!

Your parents have arrived!

You're going home for Christmas! Come on!

Stupid! Tosia doesn't have parents! She's been here all her life.

Still in a Christmas cooking frenzy? All family members there?

I hope you can soon rest on the sofa in the arms of that special someone

and focus on what's important.

That is my wish to you. And what's yours?

Call and share the Christmas magic with us.

It's 9.25 a.m. We still have one caller before the break.

Hello? You're on the air! Merry Christmas!

Yeah, right. . . Christmas sucks!

All those stuck-up couples pompously strolling the streets arm in arm,

Cut her off?

showing off just how lucky they are! And then they ask you thoughtfully -

"And you? Who are you spending Christmas with?"

- as if love was obligatory! And if you're not in love,

they treat you like a downright reject.

Listen. . .

Everybody! l have an announcement!

I love to spend Christmas alone! Just me, a comfy sofa, a box of ice cream

and a good old film on DVD. And l take pride in it!

Excuse. . .

That way I don't have to worry about some silly

unrealistic Christmas wish that won't come true anyway!

- What's your name? - Dori.. .

Audrey!

- Audrey?! A grand Old Polish name! - Yeah, well. . . and also. . .

and my dog died on Christmas Day. . . That's right! Stuffed himself with

mistletoe and dropped dead! So, there are people who have

real reasons to spend Christmas alone or even not to like it at all!

- My dear. . . - What?!

- I'm sorry about your dog. - Thanks. . .

And what was that silly unrealistic Christmas wish you were referring to?

Well, for example, let's say. . .

One might want to fall in love, just like they do on the big screen.

Or maybe one might want to wake up on Christmas morning in the pyjama top

of a man they're madly in love with.

Just a ridiculous, pathetic wish.

- Audrey? - Doris. . .

- Excuse me? - Nothing. . .

There's this guy l know who also once had a silly wish.

Not sure if ridiculous and pathetic, but still. . . Anyway, one day this guy

walks into a cafe. He sees this girl serving coffee and then it hits him,

love at first sight.

He goes back to the cafe every day just to see her, always tries to

come up with clever things to say, but ends up never saying a word.

A year goes by. Then one day he wakes up and his car

won't start, his neighbour floods his apartment and he loses his job.

He's got a twenty left in his pocket, so he makes a decision.

He goes to the cafe, throws the money on the counter and says

"Today is the worst day of my life. I just lost my job, my apartment

got flooded and my car won't start. I'm head over heels in love with you.

I'll hake a double espresso, no cream, please."

The waitress, absolutely gorgeous, turns around and says

"That's very flattering, sir, but. . . First of all, you've jumped the line,

and secondly, the gentleman in front of you happens to be my husband."

The husband turns around and punches the guy really hard.

The guy falls on the floor powerless, heartbroken.

All he wants to do now is howl with pain.

As if that wasn't enough,

he hears this laughter from over his shoulder.

He turns and sees this absolutely stunning girl.

She's laughing so much she makes him start laughing, too.

She introduces herself and says

"Sorry, until l saw you, I thought I was the one having the crappiest day.

Do you feel like a cup of coffee?"

So they had coffee, fell in love,

got married and lived . . .

. . . happily ever after.

Yeah, well . . .

The bottom line is, you never know when love will come.

You shouldn't think about it too much because that's when it holds back.

But it will come in the end, and when it does, you'll know

it was worth dreaming of, worth waiting for.

- Are you there? - Yes.

Take care of yourself, OK?! And now, especially for you,

- "What The Word Needs Now. . ." -"Is Love, Sweet Love".

Exactly.

Thank you.

Well done, Maestro.

In a lesser man's hands, that could have ended bad.

Jesus, the worst thing you can do is get into some pseudo-intellectual

argument reasoning that there can be snow even in Africa. Imagine yourself

in some desert where even the oldest turtles have never seen snow. . .

Are you following me?

- Hey, Misiek? - What?

Do you think he cares about your turtles?

What a great beginning of the day. . .

There are two men upstairs; they've been talking to him for an hour.

He's still up for it, though.

Leave me alone.

You don't have to do this, you've got your whole life ahead of you.

- Got a cigarette? - Sure.

Fuck off! What do you know about my life?!

Thanks.

You're right, nothing! But don't do anything stupid!

Tough night, right?

Just think about it. Easy. . .

- Thanks. - Merry Christmas.

- Beautiful, isn't it? - Don't come any closer!

Don't come any closer!

With a view. . .

Winter is a pretty season.

I never noticed it before.

I'll do it! Do you hear me?! I swear I will!

- What? - I'll do it!

All right, all right.

Do you know why people commit suicide?

Because they're helpless.

Your wife is cheating on you. Your daughter hangs out all day long

in the courtyard like some tramp and thinks you're a jerk.

And she's right. You are a jerk.

What wife? I don't have a wife!

Lucky you.

You spend all your life saving the lives of strangers

and you can't even save your own family.

What are you doing? I'll jump!

You wouldn't even feel a thing from this height.

You know, once I took my wife on a roller-coaster, ages ago.

I remember the freezing wind on my face.

Butterflies in my stomach.

We were holding hands. . . all the way down.

Get off of me! Help this guy! He's nuts!

- Just calm down, sir! - Help him! He's completely lost it!

The situation is under control, you can start letting cars through.

Nice work, Szczepan! We've got him!

Help him . . .

Szczepan, what's going on? Are you OK?

- Let me go. - Calm down.

OK. . .

It is OK. Merry Christmas.

Szczepan! ! ! Szczepan! ! !

We need a stretcher and a doctor.

Jesus! Are you all right, man?

- Szczepan. Szczepan. Szczepan! - What?

What the hell happened up there?

I slipped. Excuse me, how much for a Christmas tree?

- You want to buy a Christmas tree? - Can I?

It's normally a hundred, but. . .

But Szczepan, what do you need this tree for?

- Free of charge for you. - Thank you. Thank you.

Szczepan? Where do you think you're going?!

Home, to my family! It's Christmas,isn't it?!

Everybody! A moment ago a man fell eight floors down and survived

without a single scratch! Apparently, we've just had the first miracle,

which means Christmas is going to be absolutely fantastic this year!

Thanks for all the letters and calls. Radio Zet news is up next.

This was Nicholas Konieczny. Technical support - Misiek.

Signing off.

Konieczny residence. Kostek speaking.

- Hi Junior. Up already? - Sure.

- What's that sound? - I'm making breakfast.

Cool. Good for you.

How's it going with Ms. Sophia not there? Anything burnt?

Metal objects in electrical outlets? Drunk iodine again?

Don't worry, daddy. I'm not alone.

Mum looks after me. We talk.

I know, Junior. She's always with us.

But you need someone else there with you, too. Just in case.

I'll be back soon and we'll have super awesome Christmas, OK?

- Dad? - What's up?

- Does Santa really exist? - Sure, he does! Why?

A website I've read said he doesn't.

Haven't I told you that the Internet rots your brain?

It's just a disinformation campaign designed to ruin Christmas.

Look, I can't talk now.

Just don't worry about it. We'll talk later when I'm home. Bye!

- Fuck! - Dad? You didn't hang up.

Hello. . . I said "hug"!

I was just giving Misiek a hug . . . because it's Christmas, you know.

All right, you didn't hear that.

Dorothy, put me through to my husband in about one minute, please.

Certainly.

Hello Nicholas. How nice of you to have knocked.

I'm sorry...

I really need to talk to you. Do you know that it's Christmas Eve?

Yes, I'm perfectly aware of that.

Fantastic! ln that case, me saying that this is out of the question

shouldn't really surprise you.

I'm not sure I appreciate your tone.

It's Christmas Eve, not a terrorist attack on the capital, so calm down.

Take a seat.

Maggie, there are five major celebrations in this coutry:

Christmas, Easter, New Year's, the lnternational Aviator Day

and the Global Radioactive Waste Utilisation Day.

Every single one of those comes, I have a night shift.

Congratulations, you must feel distinguished.

But not today.. . Not on Christmas Eve. It's just. ..

I'll swap one Christmas Eve for five Easters.

It's just that on Christmas Eve. ..

You can't spend it at the office. I have plans... with my son. . .

Please!

You're a very persuasive man.

I guess that's why our listeners love to spend holidays with you.

Good luck on your night shift.

No, but. . . But you. .. - Your husband's on the line.

- Put him through.

Sorry, I have to take this.

Hello, Wojciech. How are things?

Great.

So far so good. No surprises on the way yet.

I'm at the gas station but l will be back on the road in a minute.

Yeah, I'm sure I'll make it on time.

Goodbye then.

- Excuse me, could you help me, please? - I'm sorry. . . By all means, young lady.

Which one would you like?

Poppy seed, please.

- Poppy seed. Here you are. - Thank you, sir.

You're supposed to eat poppyseed cake for Christmas, right?

How shrewdly observed.

Poppy seed has been a Christmas tradition for centuries.

It symbolises the good spirits of our beloved ones,

who always watch over us.

And which one would you like, sir? Also with poppy seed?

No, no. . . I don't have a sweet tooth. . .

But l can never resist apple pie, and nor will I this time.

- Goodbye, sir. Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas, young lady.

Good morning.

- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.

A trinket for you, sir, with our compliments.

Christmassy. . . Very tasteful.

Oh, sorry. . . There was a cake, too. Already consumed.

But that girl has already paid for both cakes.

I thought she was with you, sir.

No, l don't know her.. . I've never seen her before.

- Hi there! Where are you off to? - Home. For Christmas.

But how? All alone?

It's a dangerous road. .. Have your parents agreed to that?

You can't just walk here alone, there are cars here!

Stop! Do you hear me? Hey!

Children mustn't wander around unattended without. . .

What are you doing?

- I owe you for the cake. - No, don't worry about it.

Maybe the easiest thing will be for me to give you a lift home?

OK.

- How far is it? - Not far.

- Let's hit the road, then. - Let's.

Here she is. . .

- Hi! What? - What do you mean, "what"?

- You called the radio, didn't you? - No, I didn't.

Really, Audrey?

Get off my back,it's not the end of the world.

I'd go crazy if my fear of unrequited love would circulate

somewhere there in the stratosphere!

Really? Well, what do you know, it helped me!

Of course it did! That's his job.

The better you feel, the more money he gets. That's how it works.

You'd do with a good Christmassy lay.

OK! New Year's Eve! Ladies night! New clothes! Awesome party!

And we'll find you a really cool guy!

Larva, you don't get it!

There's no chance I'll meet a great guy at a party!

But l've met a lot of great guys at parties!

Maybe you, but not me.

Too dark to see who you're talking to and too loud to hear anything.

You end up drunk, having a lousy shag in your bed with someone.

And the next day you see yourself in some photo on facebook

making out with that guy in the toilet.

Good luck on your night shift.

Thank you, Margaret. You really shouldn't have. . .

- That's why you don't like Rafał?! - You really don't get it, do you?

It must really knock me off my feet!

I want to feel something real! Something fresh and totally romantic!

What the hell?!

Jesus Christ! Are you all right? I'm so sorry, l was aiming at. . .

- What? A wild duck? - No, well . . . Over there.

There? How did the snowball make it over here, then?

Crap. . . I've never been good at throwing.

Once I threw myself at this girl, and it didn't work either.

Look, maybe I'll take you to the ER? Or to the fire station? Or home?

I'd rather avoid the police department if possibile?

Why? Are you wanted for some other assault? Or is it your first time?

Look. . .

I can't see a thing, l've gone blind.

Wait, stop moving around so much. There. How's that now?

Better already? A bit better?

- Better. - Are you sure?

Better.

- Larva, time to go. - What's the rush?

- Merry Christmas. Goodbye. - Well, I should be going too. . .

Merry Christmas.

The skies open, lighting strikes, and you run away?

Merry Christmas.

I can't help but notice that you rarely smile. That's a pity.

Laughter, especially diaphragmatic, allows oxygen into the cells.

Lymphocytes, immunoglobulines start circulating in the blood stream.

Our organism releases a happiness hormone, otherwise known as endorphins.

Trust me. It's good to laugh from time to time.

Funny.

- Would you like some candy? - Yes, please.

Help yourself.

See, we are now experiencing a serious release of endorphins.

Yes Margaret?

I almost forgot. Did you remember to bring the Cabernet?

- Of course I did. - Is everything all right?

Yes, yes. Everything's fine.

I'll see you at home at 5.

I'll see you later darling.

Bye.

Margaret wouldn't take me, would she?

- What makes you thnink that? - You didn't even tell her l'm here.

- Look at the granny! - Yeah.

Go, go, go! That was close!

Christmas tree ready?

Yeah, we have one made of plastic. It's always ready.

And what do you guys do on Christmas Eve?

My old man is never at home and my mum watches 'Pretty Woman' on DVD.

And it's cool. At least we don't have to talk.

- What about you? - I sing Christmas carols.

Christmas carols?

What? Do you have a problem with that?

I like carols.

That's bad, man! You're screwed up.

Oh look, that's a nice tree.

That's my old man.

- Maybe he needs.. . - No, no.

He doesn't look like a jerk to me.

A gift.

For me?!

- You shouldn't have! - Well, I did.

Good morning!

Fuck!

Take this! This, this, this!

- Fuck! - Sweet Jesus.. .

Szczepan! My boy!

Merry Christmas dad.

- Take this! Take it! Now! Now! - Shut up!

There will be presents! Santa came just a moment ago.

Aren't you at work? It's Christmas Eve, right?

- Why? Did l surprise you? - No, I was just having a nap.

Would you mind telling me what this is?

What do you mean? What does it look like?

It's a Christmas tree.

I thought we already had one.

But now we have a real one. And where's the box with decorations?

- Don't know. - Oh, yeah. I know.

Oh, that's right! I've just remembered. I know where it is.

- No need, l know. . . - I'll find it! I'll find it, OK.?

I know exactly. . .

Oh! There it is!

I told you.

No chimney, no Christmas!

What did he say?

Hi, sweetie pie! It's your teddy bear!

So how was your lonely night? Did you miss me?

Oh, fu.. .! Crap! Fuck that! Shit. ..

Are you all right, sir?

How come nobody put sand on this or something?!

Yes, that's mean.

What a fucked up day.

- Bye. Merry Christmas. - Kiss my ass, kid.

That's right. Apartment 46.

Szczepan?

A must do, to share with the horse.

Where's the angel for the Christmas tree?

- What? - The communion wafer, of course.

No grandpa, no. . . Yes, 9p.m. will be OK.

No "Pretty Woman" this time!

What kind of a home doesn't have an angel for the Christmas tree?

I'm sorry, Madam. I was talking to someone else. Thank you, goodbye.

Can l ask what the hell you're doing?

I'm ordering a Santa Claus. A Mrs. Santa Claus, if you must know.

Maya! Good to see you!

- Where have you been? - French Guyana.

Guess what, we won't be watching "Pretty Woman" this year.

That's right. We'll have Christmas Eve instead.

Great.

And no TV today either, Maya.

Daddy has ordered a Santa for us.

Isn't it a bit late for that? Say. . . 1 0 years late?

We'll have proper Christmas, like everybody else.

Like everybody else? Because you bought a Christmas tree?

- No! Because it's Christmas! - Christmas was here last year, too.

I'm serious.

- Mum! Do something, will you? - Listen to your father, child.

- Maya, it's tradition. - Since when do you care?

Since now!

We'll sit at the table, have a proper Christmas supper and talk! Got that?!

Just like normal families do!

Not sure if you noticed, dad, but we don't even have a table!

I'm going to Susie's tonight to watch some films!

Maya?

I'll handle it.

You wouldn't even notice if a bus ran over you.

Doris, sweetie, you're working tonight.

- At the mall, right? - Later on, too. Sorry. House call.

Great. Just great.

- Did you hear what I said? - I did.

- Good morning. - Good morning. May I help you, sir?

- I'm here to see my son. - And who would that be exactly?

A self-centered, arrogant jerk.

Someone to see you, boss.

- Dad. How nice to see you. For me? - For your mother.

You promised you'd bring them. Two weeks ago.

You're so irresponsible! You'll drive her into the grave one day!

Would you excuse us for one moment. Why don't you come with me, dad?

This way.

Well?! Get on with your work!

What is it, dad? Are you here just to give me the potatos?

Your mum's been slaving away! You know how she worries!

She cares so much about this Christmas Eve supper!

I know dad. You never let me forget.

The family is gathering from all around Poland.

Even the Andrzejs from Wroclaw! And you?

You don't even have a proper gift for your mother!

- I bought it a week ago. - Right. . . Chocolates. . .

From Brussels, no less!

The best gift for her would be to finalny meet your girlfriend.

Here we go again dad!

A 35-year-old man too shy to bring his girlfriend around!

Or is it your mother and l that you're ashamed of?

It's not that, dad. Please understand.

Maybe I'm just not ready yet for commitment.

- And who's this beautiful lady? - She's my ex.

Is there anything wrong with her? Very pretty.

Please dad . . .

Do you always have to be so nosy?

- You're hiding something. - What is it that I'm hiding?

She's not your ex. You just weren't going to bring her anyway.

That's right, I wasn't going to.

Pity. . .

Pity, it would mean a lot. To your mother of course.

All right then, I'm going.

I'll see you tonight, my boy.

Till tonight.

Excuse me.

Good morning.

Excuse me.

Good morning. Excuse me.

- Excuse me, Madam. - It's about the seal, right?

- No, do you know where l could . . . - No.

- I'm here to rent a costume. - No, no. . .

The longer you wait, the older you get. And then you die alone.

- Larva. - What?! I'm counselling.

- He's here! - Who?

The snowball guy. I think he's been following me.

Jesus!

Wow! So desperate he can't resist the desire

to take you right there, on the countertop, like some. . .

Stop it!

. . .caveman! Let's see!

Larwa, let me in!

What a lovely. . .

-. . . leotard. - Hi.

- Hi. Listen, l wanted to ask you . . . - For my phone number, right?

Excuse me?

You'll call me, ask me out for a drink, then another one, and maybe

one more, and we won't even notice when we'll end up in bed, right?

And the day after, you won't even remember my name.

No.

No?

No, l'm here to rent a Santa costume.

A costume?

Yeah and, actually, I'm in a hurry right now so. . .

maybe some other time.

I mean, I didn't mean to. . .

Forget it, we've run out of Santa costumes.

Do you have anything else?

I think I have something much better suited for you.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

I'm looking for Mr Kostek Konieczny.

I've come here on behalf of Santa Claus.

Dad!

No, no! You're confusing me with someone.

My name's Frosty Snowman.

Nice to meet you.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, dad.

I wish you a long and frosty winter so that you don't melt soon.

- Sorry, did you say something? - I did!

Maya?

May l come in?

Will the boom box also fly out of the window?

What?

I'm sorry about the TV.

I just wanted us to be together tonight. Just like we used to.

- Remember how we. . .? - No, I don't.

Where did you get it from?

You know, I won it at a. . .

. . . a coutry fair, you and mum were on a date.

Yeah, I've heard the story a hundred times. . .

It was quite perfect.

- Get dressed. - What?

- Do you want to go to Susie's? - Are you serious?

Get dressed. Come on, let's get going.

Just hurry!

You have to work tonight, right?

Yeah, sorry.

I'm really sorry, man.

I've tried everyting. Including setting the studio on fire.

Don't worry. They said on the news that 6/2 percent of the population

will be working during Christmas, so you won't be alone.

6/2? That is quite a lot.

We've got to find someone to stay with you.

Mum will be staying with me.

I know, I know. I just don't want you two to get bored.

What did you have for breakfast?

Soft-boiled eggs.

That's it, no more fast food.

- We'll have chips with ketchup! - Yupeee! ! !

Junior, I'm starting to melt. Will you help me into the fridge?

Sure, or we can put you out on the balcony.

- I wonder where we're going?! - You'll see.

- Szczepan! - We're going to the mall.

What about going to Susie's?

- I want to go to Susie's. - OK, dad.

And what do we call the animal that pulls Santa's sleigh?

- Reindeer. - Excellent! Bravo, Sylvia!

Thank you very much for taking part in the contest.

And now a Christmas song for all of you, sounds good?

Look! It's Santa!

Where have you been?

Just doing my job! Climbing rooftops.

And you're only four hours late?

Give me a break. I've been robbed, too, you know.

Some shithead stole my mobile when I fell on ice.

I so hate those snots, those shitheads. . .

Calm down and block the phone.

I can't, that's the point.

This hot chick's number's there.

I've got to get it back. You understand, right?

Fine. Welcome to the lonely hearts club.

Watch it, Doris! You'll have it coming, I mean it!

Fine. Your own number, it's under Gibson, Mel.

Thanks. Love you, I do.

Yes?

And now what?! You piece of crap! I want my phone back!

Is there a problem?

No, only that l'll turn you into dog food when I catch you!

Got that, you thieving shithead?

Listen! Isn't that the sound of you being hung up on?

Mother fu . . .

Having supper with your family tonight? Unbelievable!

All right, Merry Christmas. Take care of yourself, dear. Bye.

- She can't come? So now what? - Well. . . I don't know.

I guess we can always call McGyver. . .

or the other one. . . Chuck Norris! You'll have a laugh.

Would you like to have a girlfriend, dad?

What? Where did you get that one from?

If you had one, you wouldn't have to worry about who to leave me with.

Listen to me.

For me, you are the most important, you and mum.

OK, Hawaiian pizza is also dear to me, but that's all. Understand?

But l do want you to have a girlfriend, dad.

Really?

Yes, mum says so, too. She says it's time.

What do you think about her?

Sweet Jesus, Junior! Are you out of your mind?

What? She's on call. She can be here within an hour.

All right, l know exactly what I need to do now.

300%¤ of people meet online nowadays, they said so on your radio.

300%¤ is quite a lot!

Chuck Norris? Konieczny speaking. There's a job for you.

You've got to come here and cut off the Internet! Now!

There's a travelling motif in every Christmas carol, did you know that?

It works both vertically, as well as horizontally.

And so, we have God coming down from heaven,

and people rushing to God to the stable.

What about "Silent Night"?

Well . . .

- And where exactly are we going? - I've told you already. Not far.

Not far seems a bit further than I imagined.

Haven't we missed the turn? I got into the topic a bit too much.

- A bit? - Hey!

You don't intend to accompany me as far as Warsaw, do you?

- Big deal. Paris is much further. - Quite right. . . It's all relative.

How could your parents have agreed to that?

What's their number? l'll call and tell them you're safe.

I don't have it, but you can drop me off here.

No way. But I can take you to the nearest police station?

And what will you tell them? You took me.

Well, I shouldn't have. I thought you lived closer, and now. . .

Pull over.

No way, I can't leave you here, in the middle of nowhere.

- Pull over! - I won't leave you here!

- They are giving us signs! - What?

Officer Stanislav Zuk. Documents, please.

- Good morning. Nice to meet you. - It won't be nice for you at all.

We got into a conversation and l didn't notice your car.

I'm glad we agree. You're not cautious enough.

- And where's the child travelling? - To Warsaw. . . I mean. . .

A child is not allowed to travel in front without a safety seat.

The rules are for everybody, even for those from the capital.

And you've been speeding, too. Have you been drinking as well?

Yes.. . No... I mean, I have, but nothing bad, really. . .

Step out of the vehicle, sir.

After you.

- Seems fine. - That's right.

There's still the issue of speeding.

I was driving at 50 mph. I don't really understand why

the limit there is 40 mph.

To make you slow down.

Yes, but I still don't understand why? In the forest?

Would you like to talk to the sign about it?

Not really, you're right, no.

I have a confession to make.

It's mum. She says her water broke.

Christ! What are you talking about, child?! Excuse me.

Wojciech? What's the matter?

No, everything's fine here.

I'm meeting Betty for lunch. I came a little early.

Early? It means you're going to have to wait. . .

How much time is there to get to the hospital after your water broke?

Hey! Sir!

- Bye darling, I've got to go. - Bye.

Why don't you stop the chat and go quickly to your wife!

Your daughter has more brains than you do.

Yes, thank you. Goodbye.

Careful with the speed. There's a radar near here.

Hi sis.

- 3 minutes. But making progress. - That's all right.

Thank you.

You look pretty. This colour suits you.

No, thank you. Not this year.

In that case, should l serve the usual, Madam?

Yes, please.

So how are you, child? How are you feeling?

Good. The little one's just strated practising kung-fu.

He's on his way to earning a black belt!

For you.

Sweet. Thank you. And how practical! Just enough room for one nappy!

- Do you like them? Hand painted. - Charming. Why three?

- It's a set. - I see. Charming, indeed.

Good morning, dear. I'm here to pick up the fish.

Margaret, I wish for you to have a joyful Christmas. And let all your

hopes and dreams come true.

And l wish for you to. . .

God, I can't believe he left alone with it.

It's not "it", it's Kazik.

A child should have a father.

Not if the father is still a child himself.

You're right, he is a child.

He's also an irresponsible, arrogant, self-centered jerk.

- But. . . he still is the father. - Not every man wants to be a father.

I just wish for my little sister to have a normal family.

Normal. . .

Thank you very much, thank you. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Well, where's our order?

Jesus, dad! You missed the turn!

We need to turn back! Mum!

Be quiet!

May l ask where we're going?

May l ask where we're going?!

Jesus, a nut car!

Hi there.

Hi, Dumbass. Seems today is your lucky day! Everyone else

has to write letters to Santa, while Santa calls you in person!

So, will a hundred do for Christmas, Dumbass?

Tell me which carol you prefer

"Angels, From The Realms of Glory" or "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen!"?

What?

I'm asking what Christmas carol you like.

I'm trying to be nice, so don't piss me off!

What do you mean?

It's Christmas Eve. Are you spending it with your parents?

Did l look like a child to you?

So, are we going to make a deal?

But Christmas is for family!

I don't give a shit! Got that, shithead?!

Give me my phone back! What?

Let's go.

Jeez. . . , can't you buy yourself a new one?

No, l can't! I just. . . It's not your business anyway!

There's a number there I need. At least give me that number!

I was supposed to meet someone tonight.

- Who? Where should I look? - Under "W". "Widow - Suburbs".

What is her name?

Jesus Christ. . . l don't know her name. Come on.

You're spending Christmas with someone you don't know?

Who does that?

She's loaded!

She lives in a big mansion and needs company.

I just want to help her! Just give me that number!

Forget it.

MUM

Boss?

Sorry, but the model you chose for the new calendar is unavailable.

Apparently, she's busy with . . . a little something.

The agency has sent some new ones.

Thank you, Magda.

Is tere anything else I could do for you?

Great. . .

Tell him I left without my mobile and you don't know when l'll be back.

Yes? Good afternoon. He's not in at the moment and he forgot. . . Yes, yes.

I'll make sure he gets your message when he comes back. Goodbye.

Your mother's slaving away and you're driving her straight into the grave.

Thank you.

All right, you keep an eye on things here and l'm off to do the rounds.

- Magda? - Yes, boss?

- Are you doing anything tonight? - On Christmas Eve? Nothing at all!

Excellent. I thought maybe you'd . . .

You're being sarcastic, aren't you?

That was a quick one, boss. You should ask Doris, though.

- Doris? - Yes.

- She always spends Christmas alone. - Thanks.

Look dad, this one's nice.

I'm really sorry, I don't know this child.

What is it?

Junior, I'm going to have to put you in a pawn shop if you don't chill.

Too old, isn't she?

What about this one? Really elegant.

- You don't like any one. - No. No, that's not true.

I actually met a really nice one earlier today.

- Really? - Really.

She looked like the sweetest angel . . .

until daddy knocked her down with a snowball on her forehead.

- Why don't we invite her to dinner? - Mhm . . .

I know! We'll ask Santa to help us find her.

When I was your age and l liked some chick, I would give her. . .

a toad . . . or a kiss.

Not that easy to invite a stranger to Christmas supper.

Kostek?

- Come on, give us a smile. . . - I want my mommy!

She'll be here in a moment. Give us a smile. . . Smile, you . . .

Merry Christmas. . .

OK! Take him, lady! Give him a lollipop, maybe that will. . .

Crap! Fucked up my pants, little shithead . . .

Go on. Don't be scared.

Oh, Christ. . .

What do you want from Santa, little girl?

My mum says Santa likes all kids the same.

Your mum doesn't know shit about it!

Do you have any idea how mean kids can be?

I do! That's why l'd like to get a real gun.

Really? Come on, sit.

Sweet Jesus. . .

OK, l'll give you the gun

if you shoot one little retard for me. Deal?

- Deal! - Really? Super cool!

Come, Veronica! We're going!

- I'm filing an official complaint! - Yeah, whatever!

She's smarter than her mother. . . Remember about our deal!

What?

You're at work, guys! Doris!

Look kids! Santa's. . . going . . .

Just the person I need! I'll get straight to the point.

There's a job to take tonight, interested?

But l'm already doing a house call tonight.

I know, but I was hoping you'd take that one, too. It pays well.

Where?

- My place. - Boss!

It's not what you think. It's for my parents.

What? They still believe in Santa Claus?

- You won't be wearing the costume. - Will l be wearing anything?

Sure! On second thoughts, that could actually be interesting . . .

I need a date, just for tonight.

- That's insane! - Come on, Doris, please. . .

It's a matter of honour for me.

Please do it for me.

Triple the rate.

A snake in the grass. . .

I will send Rudolf to pick you up!

Good evening.

My God, this explains everything!

We'll take good care of you now. How's the little one doing?

Fine, but. . .

I'm glad. Come, we'll have a chat.

That limb of the devil. . .

We've always had problems with him, especially at school!

But this?! That does it!

I'm really sorry but. . .

Florian, calm down. He's just got a bit of a temper.

Excuse me, but there's been some misunderstanding! Hello?!

Talk about misunderstanding! Dear!

You're eating such food in your condition?

- Florian! - Yes, l'm here.

Heat up the soup and make me some tea.

Where do you keep tea?

- Excuse me, who are you? - We are the grandparents!

And who is your son?

- Vladi. - But it's a mis. . .

It's a mistake, I don't know anyone called Vladi!

Kazik!

Florian, the car! It's time!

Thank you.

Kostek!

You're grounded! No toothbrushing till January!

Look dad! This one's really nice.

- Hi. - Hi.

It seems you're as good at keeping an eye on your son

as you are at target throwing.

Right. Fortunately, he's getting a leash for Christmas, so. . .

So how did the snowman do?

- Have you met? - Yes! About 300 times today already.

Cool! Maybe we'll invite. . .

Thanks again! How can I ever repay you?

Maybe you'd like a little brat for Christmas?

He's got perfect dental records!

Dad would like to inv. . .

I'd like to. . .

I would like to inv. . .ent a wish-come-true maker!

So you could wish for a bomb scare now and go home early!

Dad would like. . . !

Disaster!

Here you are.

- Dad! Try to be more cool! - Not that easy when you're a. . . fool.

We'll never find you a date. . .

Such a nice girl! What is it you don't like about her?

I like absolutely everything about her!

- So why didn't you invite her? - You just don't. . .

You don't ask out strangers, just like that. . .

6 out of 5 women agree to go on a date with a stranger.

I'm telling you! Don't you watch TV?

- 6 out of 5?! A real lot! - You're going back.

- What? - You're going back.

Go!

Candy?

- Hi. - Hi.

I'm here on behalf of the. . . fool whose son you've found.

I'm all ears. What did he ask you to tell me?

That he's been thinking about you all day.

- Really? - Really!

That you're gorgeous and that you have a charming smile,

just like Antonio Banderas. And . . .

He didn't have the guts to do it himself. . .

So he's sent me to ask if you'd possibly. . .

Yes?

. . . by any chance, be willing to consider accepting the invit. . .

Look, have you ever been on a date on Christmas Eve?

No. But. . .

- You haven't? - I meant, l can't. . . I have plans. . .

Me too! I mean, he has plans, too!

I'm sorry, but. . .

No, no! Really!

- It's just that tonight. . . - He's a jerk anyway.

I just can't tonight.. .

Miss Santa! Could you start doing your job already?

Well played, man! Game over. . .

- Don't worry. At east you've tried. - Sure.

- Hello? - Hi. It's me.

What do you want?

I'll give you this number if you want it so much.

You're a good kid, after all. Dumbass.

There's one condition, though. You must sing me a carol first.

- You are a dumbass. . . No way! - Fine, bye.

Wait a second, Dumbass! Chill! l'll give you some cash!

I don't want your cash. I want "Shepherds Came To Bethlehem".

I don't even know it that well . . .

All right, hold on, here it comes.

Shepherds came. . . la la la. . . Bethlehem

For the baby Jesus on the. . . something. . . they played.

La la la, something. . . Heavenly Joy! La la la, something. . . Heavenly Joy!

And . . . something . . . la la la. . . OK?

Very nice, son.

Give me that number, Dumbass! And shit on your head!

21 1 301 504

Hi there, pumpkin, it's me! Hey!

Mum?

No, mum, you too. . . Merry. . .

Breathe, breathe! Just don't push, for God's sake!

Easy, Kazik! Easy!

I don't know what it is you saw in our son!

Stop that, Florian! She isn't Vladi's girlfriend.

She isn't. . .? Well, who is she, then?

How am l supposed to know? It was you who found her, Sherlock!

Be careful!

See how they drive here?

Welcome to the capital!

Will you tell me about Christmas Eve?

With pleasure! Christmas Eve precedes Christmas Day.

It was first recognised at the beginning of the 4th century.

It wasn't coincidental, too. It's the time of the winter solstice,

when the day wins over the night.

What about your Christmas Eve?

- You really want to know? - I really, really do!

Every family has it's unique Christmas tradition,

a ritual that puts one's life in order. My wife Margaret and l

always spend this time together, just the two of us.

Just the two of you and nobody else?

Yes. . . That's right.

And do you put out an extra plate for an unexpected guest?

For a stranger, like a traveller, for example?

No, that's not necessary. Nobody ever comes.

The empty plate always makes us think about the ones we miss.

That was Chris Rea driving home for Christmas and now an important announcement.

OK, so where should I take you?

The police are still looking for a girl

missing from the Children's Home in Chojnice.

- Here will be fine. - What do you mean, here?

The girl is 9 years old. She is blond, dressed in a dark blue coat,

a blue hat and a pink scarf. Anyone with information as to the girl's

whereabouts are asked to contact the nearest police station.

- Margaret. - Wojciech.

- How was the road? - Good. No unexpected problems.

Good, I'm glad. It's a quarter to six.

Yes. It took a bit longer than usual. I'll change and join you in a moment.

I will see you in the lounge in ten minutes, then.

The story of this carol invariably amazes me.

It was written throughout one Christmas night in 1 81 8,

by a church organist, Franz Xaver Gruber, and his priest, Joseph Mohr.

Exactly. In Oberndorf, near Salzburg.

I've heard on the radio that we've exceeded the fishing quotas again,

and the European Union . . .

I must admit I'm surprised, Margaret.

Today he would be. . .

- All right, so. . . Some turbot? - No, thank you.

I'll have some.

- Wojciech. - Hi, Maggie.

Attention, Arkadia Shopping Centre will be closing in 1 5 minutes.

Please bring your final purchases to the front at this time.

Thank you. Merry Christmas.

Jesus Christ. . .

What's going on, girl?

I'll die lonely.

Another Christmas Eve. Another year of my life down the drain . . .

Are you sure you don't want to go home?

I've told you l feel even more alone when l'm there.

My parents only talk about how l'm still single.

Not exactly my idea of fun.

You can always come to our place.

Larva!

He's here. My. . . husband.

- Merry Christmas. - Same to you.

- See you sweetie. - I envy you.

- Take this. Come on! - Got it. The wings.

No, mum.

I've told you, I'm not going to call her. It's my life

and l like it just the way it is!

I don't need this right now.

Not a word.

- Did you buy everything? - Yes, l have all of it.

Look, shithead! As God is my witness, I'll remember you! And if I ever

see you again, I'll turn you into. . .

. . .dog food, l know.

No sooner said than done.

Hurry! Her water broke! Contractions every minute!

You said every two minutes!

Kazik!

I did! So what?!

Breathe, breathe!

Excuse me, are you the grandparents?

No, we're not.

Only the immediate family are allowed past this point.

Goodbye.

Where on earth are we?

Jesus! That's insane! It's kidnapping!

Mayka, be quiet.

- Don't tell me we're lost. - I know exactly where we're going.

- Really? - Really.

- And where is that place? - We're almost there.

Like where?

- You said we were going to Susie's! - Mayka, stop talking!

Karina! Come on!

That sucks! I want to go home!

- Stop the car. - No.

I said, stop the car!

Karina! Don't!

Dad!

Stop!

You shithead!

Attention all Arkadia customers, please bring all final purchases to the front for check out.

Thank you. Merry Christmas.

- Some exercise wouldn't hurt. - Not a word more.

- What's your name? - Mel Gibson.

I would never guess, l must say.

- Melchior. Thanks. - I'm Casper. You're welcome.

I'd really love to kill you but l'm too tired.

I've been playing the snake game, sorry.

I'm sorry, we're closing. What are you laughing at, sir?

It's Christmas, you should go to your families.

Really?

- Really. What's so funny about that? - Nothing. No, it's tragic, really.

Are we there yet?

- I hate you two! - Mayka, get back here!

Satisfied?

Sure! Leave me here! Leave me all alone, all of you!

Mayka!

Do you like it?

I don't think now is the right time for a discussion of aesthetics.

- I made it for you. - Thank you.

Come, child. You'll have something to drink.

I like it here with all the black and white.

I'm glad.

But tere will be more white, starting tomorrow, right?

Escuse me?

The day will be longer and the light will win over the darkness.

Wojtek told me about it.

Here you are.

Delicious!

And?

They can come to collect her tomorrow evening. As for tonight,

they can only put her up at the Emergency Youth Shelter.

Well, if this is the case. . . You must drive her back to Chojnice.

Yes, of course, naturally. It's nearly seven, so. . .

All right, then. We'll eat first.

Well, young lady.

Feel invited to join us at Christmas Eve supper.

Great!

Ladies and Gentlemen!

We're back with your favourite cooking programme,"Bite me!".

Today we'll be serving the very famous. . .

dumplings mush . . .

traditionally given to household animals to stop them from talking

when midnight comes!

Nice mush, dad.

- The mush is best preserved in . . . - Here!

Voila!

That's about it.

Great! You said yourself we should eat healthy.

"Bite me!" recommends: potato chips with ketchup for breakfast,

for lunch and for Christmas Eve supper!

Fantastic! Such a Christmas Eve is everybody's dream!

Mayka, wait! Mayka!

First, he comes home with some tree, then he kindaps all of us,

then he almost kills us all, and now he wants us to freeze to death!

We'll freeze to death because he wants us to,

He wants us to freeze to death

in the middle of nowhere on Christmas Eve!

Go ahead and freeze, then!

Maybe then you'll stop yapping for a moment!

- What did you say? - Are you deaf?

I should have listened to my parents! They never liked you!

Coming from them, I'll take that as a compliment!

- Don't piss me off! - Or what?!

- You'll sleep with the Easter Bunny? - What?! How dare you!

You thought I didn't know?

You're pathetic.

Szczepan!

Don't walk away from me! Don't you ever walk away from me!

Do you think I'm proud of it? You're never at home!

You don't even touch me anymore!

Is that better?

You fucking asshole!

Fucking asshole! I'm done with you!

I've been putting up with you, you insensitive prick,

for the last 1 7 years, but that's it! I've had it!

- Do you want me gone?! Do you?! - I hate your guts!

- Then l'll be gone! - Go on, then! Be gone!

You cold asshole! 1 5 years! But it's over now! I hate you!

Shut it, will you?! You squeamish cunt!

Doctor Prick!

Great! My mature, loving parents!

- Shut up! - Doctor Prick! Prick!

Stop yapping!

I hate you!

Mayka! Chill! Do't be silly!

I hate you!

Chill out!

Enough already, stupid! Calm down, silly!

It was just a joke! We're just fooling around!

- It's not funny! - It is a bit, actually.

Where's grandpa?

Grandpa!?

Piss off!

Dad! Dad!

As your chief, the Approaching Massacre, I hereby give you the name

of the Rancid Stocking. You have the right to find yourself a squaw.

Ok, Junior, go get your things. You're coming with me to the studio.

The worst case scenario is Queen Margot shoots us with a poison arrow.

For some strange reason, she hates the lndians.

No, l'll be bored there.

What if white faces find you in here and make you recite poems?!

Then I'll have them eat the dumplings mush!

Don't worry, dad. Mum will be here with me

and you'll be talking to me through the radio.

What else have you stolen?

A chocolate bar, a bottle of water,

two buckets. . . - Right. . .

- Canned food. - What food?

- Dog food. - You have a dog?

- This is me, bye! - No way, smartass!

I'm not letting you roam the streets. I'll have a word with your dad.

- You'd have to find him first. - Inside!

Jesus.

There you are! Come here, boy. Let's get you something to eat.

Do you want to charge your phone?

Forget the phone! Crap. Let's get out of here.

Come on, boy.

Dad! Grandpa!

Dad!

They must have a phone there!

Mayka, wait!

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. Excuse me, could we use your phone, sir?

Is something wrong?

Yes, it's about my father. He's quite old and, a bit. . .

- We've lost him. - Around this height? Grey hair?

- Have you seen him? - Come in, please.

Dad!

Szczepan, my boy! I've found you!

I'm Janek.

- Two hot dogs, please. - We only have sandwiches.

Two sandwiches, then.

Here, here, boy. There you go. Easy.

- Here you are. - Here. Thank you.

All the best!

The same to you. Thank you, good night.

There you go, kid.

Come on.

- Good, with pig's ass. - With what?

- With pig's ass. - With ham, not pig's ass! Smartass!

I haven't eaten all day because of you and all this crap.

Not even breakfast? Crap!

Stop saying "crap"!

Tomorrow's on me.

Steal again, and l'll beat the crap out of you!

You'll have to catch me first, fatass.

Either watch your tongue or say goodbye to it!

- And the dog? What's it called? - Balthazar.

- You're shitting me, right? - We are the Three Wise Men.

You really can't sing, you know!

- And you can, right? - Sure l can.

You sing like crap. . .

Stop saying "crap"!

- You've got to learn! - I'm too old for schools.

I know a good place, not a school.

I understand, thank you.

Thank you very much. They won't be here until tomorrow.

- And where were you going? - To Lipkow.

Ah, so you're al most there. Just a few miles through the forest.

We used to live there and l thought l knew the area. . .

- No, no, we can't. We must. . . - But you won't be going now!

You're very kid, but we can't intrude on you like that.

You can't go now in the deep snow! It's Christmas Eve!

- Let's have a drink! - I could do with one.

Lipkow will still be there tomorrow!

And where exactly did you live there?

At the village administrator's place.

Ah! Wladek!

And to you, I wish you that you laugh a lot, so that your body makes a lot

of these things with "e", so that you grow tall.

Thanks. Shall we sit down?

The story of this carol invariably amazes me.

Yes, in 1 8. . .

Yes, these guys wrote it really fast. Wojtek told me.

Exactly. In 1 81 8 in Oberndorf, near Salzburg.

- Margaret, the perch is exquisite. - Maybe you should taste it first.

Excellent.

Delicious. Maggie, you're a really good cook.

Do you know this in Polish?

Silent Night, Holly Night,

All is calm, All in Bright,

Round yon virgin, Mother and Child,

Holly infant so tender and mild,

Sleep in heavenly peace,

Sleep in heavenly peace.

- Some turbot? - No, thank you.

That was very nice.

Thank you.

I'll have some. Would you pass me the gravy, please?

Certainly, Darling.

Margaret!

Calm down, please.

Please!

Stop!

Calm down, please!

We don't have a present for her.

- Maggie. . . - I'm sorry.

This is Nicholas Konieczny playing for you

on Christmas Eve. I have something to say to all those

who think they are left home alone. You're not. Far from it.

I'm here with you, with my body and soul,

and with very good music!

Hello. l can't take your call right now. Please leave. . .

Miss Santa! You came after all! And we've already eaten . . .

Kostek?

Come in, it's cold. We had potato chips. Cool, isn't it?

Super cool.

Do you want the leftovers?

No, thanks. Are you alone?

Are you crazy? Of course not!

So who's here with you?

My mum's here. And my dad's there.

His boss made him do the night shift.

All morning you kept sending me your dreams. I'm proud of you.

Not everybody has the guts to say out loud what they wish for.

Miracles happen on Christmas Eve and if you look around,

you might even see one right now.

Remember, it's never too late to start dreaming.

And when is your dad coming back?

I'm not sure, but late.

But we'll be waiting for him when he comes home.

It's Christmas Eve after all.

I can't stay too long. I'm going to have to leave soon.

Why? You really can't stay?

It would be nice to have real company for Christmas.

Wait a sec, I'll make a call.

Yes?

All right, l understand. Thanks for calling.

You too, Doris. Good night.

Hi there. Change of plans.

I'll come to pick you up.

Then I realise it's that girl from the photo. So instead of going home I follow her. . .

- Amelie, it's Santa! - Santa!

- That's my Sherlock. - . . . I must find out where. . .

Tell them about how you almost killed us.

It's all his fault. He'll drive us into the grave one day.

- Hi mum. - Vladi, my boy!

Hi. For you.

- Straight from Brussels! - Yes, from Brussels.

- Dad. - Hello son.

Good evening! Merry Christmas.

I'd like you . . .

to finalny meet Tomek.

- What a surprise! - Good evening.

Vladi rarely brings anyone for Christmas.

It's a pleasure to finally meet you.

Hello, welcome.

Come in, take a seat, please.

Handsome! Go turn off the kettle!

Florian! The kettle! Go turn it off!

Hi.

Hi, Kazik.

I've been waiting for you all my life.

- So, Merry Christmas. - You too.

- See you around. - Till tomorrow.

Hi.

Hi guys! What's for breakfast? Crisps and coke?

Oh no, no way!

Avert your eyes this instant, young man!

Come on, dad! Do you think I don't know about these things?

1 00 million couples go to bed on the first date.

1 00 million? That really is a lot.

- Don't you ever watch TV? - No, we don't!

Pity.

Queen Margot is loosing it!

I'M SORRY

Look, how many people!

Hi there, naughty!

Thank you, goodbye.

- May I? - Yes, certainly.

And may I ask who you are?

Melchior.

I'm the father.