Original subtitles

So, can we figure out what's causing the blackouts?

Wish I could be more specific,

but, um, as I told you several times before,

I'm not an electrician.

- Mm-hmm. - Oh.

Ah-ha! Ah-ha! Chewed right through.

Mice, see, they think because they're cute

I won't kill 'em, but I've killed cuter.

Sir, I don't think that mice have a perception

of their own attractiveness.

Okay. That's unsettling.

Dark is nothing to be afraid of, my friend.

Just remember that. Ah!

- Did you see that? - See what?

An Irish woman. Aisling.

Delicate, gorgeous, but with a heart as cold as ice.

Ah! A German woman. Impenetrable.

Mysterious. Luisa.

Sir, do you think you're in a poem right now?

No, I'm not in a poem. Come on, we gotta go.

- All right. - Ah!

- You going somewhere, Patrick? - Nina.

- Hi, Patty. - Guten tag.

Hey.

What's happening?

It's all three of my ex-wives coming back to haunt me.

So, this is very fascinating.

All three of you in my office at exactly the same time.

I don't remember wronging a gypsy.

Oh, you can't say that.

You're reminding me of Maggie now.

- There they are! Hi, moms! - Oh, Maggie.

- Hi! - Hi!

- Hi, my baby. - Hi, mom.

You are on a kissing and hugging basis

with all my ex-wives, not just your mom.

The Quinn family goes on vacation every year.

Me and my mom, Maeve and her mom,

and Luisa, who's a mom to us all.

- Danke, liebes. - You guys go

- on vacation together? - Yeah.

And you never thought of inviting me?

- No. - Okay.

We've only been doing it

since our divorce, so 20 years.

Oh, just two decades of going behind my back.

Well, it's only behind your back

because you turned your back on us.

D'you remember that little bit?

It really hasn't been a secret.

I officiated Aisling's second wedding.

You looked beautiful. Luisa and I

were on The Amazing Race together.

- Wow! - And they should have won.

Stop blaming yourself.

Denver's airport is like Satan's hedge maze.

- Mmm. - You are my sister.

- And I love you. - And I love you.

- Oh! - I'm not loving this.

What's not to love? Did you know that Aisling's hedge fund

is now the sixth largest in Europe?

Hey, you couldn't crack the top five, huh?

I couldn't, general. Sorry, colonel.

- You-you're still a colonel. - And Luisa just won

the 2025 Leibniz Prize for her work in epigenetics.

Unbelievable.

Colonel, here's the report on the electric.

- Oh, my God, Nina Quinn. - Oh!

I hate to be a fan girl, but, uh...

could I ask you to do your sign-off?

I'm Nina Quinn, and from all of us at WDZM,

have a great night.

- I will. - Okay.

Um...

Oh.

D-does she think you invented saying,

you know, "Have a great night?"

No, she thinks I perfected it.

We're not gonna be in your hair for long.

We're stopping by quickly to see Maggie,

and then we're leaving for Cologne tomorrow,

and the Quinn family vacation is officially gonna start.

You can't call it "the Quinn family vacation"

if I'm not involved. Tha-that's my name.

You guys need to get a new name.

Well, there's three of us,

and there's only one of you,

so it's our name now.

Sergeant, status update?

All the washers are down, and if we don't get them running soon

then we are gonna be drowning in dirty laundry.

All right, so, uh, we are up a creek

getting beat on with a paddle, huh?

Mm-hmm.

Why are you both so chipper?

You see that stone cold fox over there?

We've been really hitting it off.

Yeah, correction,

we've been hitting it off.

She said my hair was long.

Okay, that's a completely normal statement.

It's like saying you have two feet.

Yeah, sure.

Where did you go last time?

Uh, the Emerald Isle, off the Carolina coast,

where the family beach house is.

- Family beach house? - Bad news.

It's the mice's world, and our laundry's just living in it.

Oh, we're not gonna be able to call an exterminator,

or an electrician,

- because of Vlaggetjesdag. - Hm?

- What the hell is that? - It's the first day

- of herring season. - Oh, God.

It's a national holiday.

But we can tackle the mice problem ourselves, right?

We could bait traps with our base's strength, cheese.

- That's a great idea. Effective. - Terrible idea.

Sounds like an episode of Tom and Jerry.

What's the next pitch?

I dress up like a girl mouse

and try to lure the boy mice out?

- I'd like to see that, actually. - No, go on.

It's so fun listening to you shoot down my ideas

for the umpteenth time.

Do you wanna ask me again

why I prefer my three moms?

One mom, and two really basically

complete strangers that I married, okay?

By the way, I'm great on vacations.

I come alive on vacation.

You know, I went on vacation with him

when he first got separated.

- What was that place in Mexico? - Mazatlan.

Ma... Okay. Was I not a delight?

He did wear a puka shell necklace

- to dinner once. - I wore a puka shell necklace.

Okay. And I talked to those people.

- He yelled at those people. - You have never been invited,

because you have never expressed any interest in any of us.

After abandoning, mm, all of us.

Okay, you're thinking about the old me. I'm changed.

I've really, the last couple of months of being around

such a strong, intelligent woman

has kind of altered me, I think altered my DNA.

That is the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

- Like, by far. - No, I'm sorry.

- I was talking about Katja. - Oh, my God.

And I don't believe you about the puka shells.

- Did you take a picture? - You wouldn't let me.

- Did you do all of this? - I did.

- Well, we did. - That's amazing.

My baby makes the best cheese ever.

- I knew this would happen. - You knew I would make cheese?

I knew you were destined for greatness,

because you have the strength to throw off

whatever burden life thrusts at you.

Speaking of, is the red-haired screamer

still as self-obsessed as ever?

- Hey, guys, listen to me. - Yes.

I just figured out why you guys don't invite me on your trips.

- Why is that? - It's 'cause you don't like me.

- Right? - Hmm.

- Yes. That is true. - Yeah.

But see, you're thinking of the old me.

Aha! Have you changed?

- Yes. - Oh, this is gas now.

No, I wanna hear this out. How have you changed?

In so many ways.

I wouldn't know where to begin to list them.

Let's just begin with one thing.

- Eins. - Okay.

Kind of on the spot here, but, uh...

- You wanna prove you've changed? - Yeah.

You can come to dinner with us tonight.

- Oh. - Tonight?

- Oh-ho! - Tonight.

Can't do tonight, 'cause I'm...

- Working. - Working. He was working

- when you were born. - Yeah.

He was working when you broke your leg.

- Yeah. - He was working

- when you were in a coma. - Yep.

You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna have you tell Shah

to handle the wiring crisis in the laundry center,

and I'm gonna come to dinner with you tonight.

- What an honor. - As a matter of fact...

I'm also going to bring my new girlfriend.

And she used to be a prostitute.

- Okay. - What am I supposed to do

- with that? - Well, now she's a doctor.

- She has, like, two PhDs. - In what?

One of the things is, like,

a sex thing, I think. But she'll tell you tonight.

- Prostitute-turned-doctor. - What time?

- 7:00. - Seven o'clock.

Is that all right for your prostitute doctor?

She's not a prostitute anymore.

She works doctor's hours now.

- So she'll be free. - Amazing.

- Hey. - Hey.

You listened to my idea.

Yeah. I said it was a good idea.

And I only say things

that I mean, unless I tell a magician

that I'm not impressed. I'm always impressed.

I just don't want them to have power over my mind.

Right. And, hey, I asked some of the troops

if they would start hand-washing the laundry.

That's good. It'll buy some time.

- Way to take initiative. - Way to execute my genius plan.

- Well, look at us. - Look at us.

We're like Penn and Teller.

You're a magic guy, huh?

Ah! Oh!

Oh, I did not know there would be so much decapitation.

Those are the lucky ones.

Oh.

Unlucky one.

- Hey. I need you... - Hi!

To come to this dinner tonight

and act as a buffer. - Buffer?

- Nope. - Yep. Why?

Because it reminds me

of when I was a sad little girl

stuck in the middle of you and mom's divorce,

desperately trying to make you guys less angry.

You did an awful job of it too,

because we were constantly fighting,

and all you did was cry.

So this is your chance to rectify

that mistake.

- I am leaving. - Okay. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I need to win here so I need your help to defeat

these women in asymmetrical conversational combat.

Dinner with amazing women is not combat.

That's ridiculous. Everything is combat.

Especially marriage. You should learn that lesson now.

- Fine. I'll be there. - See?

Everything is combat. And I just won this battle.

So, how do you wanna play this with Maud?

Some sort of, like, dibs system? In which case, well, dibs.

Well, I sent everyone away to level the playing field.

And we'll leave it for her to decide and let the best...

me win.

Oh, Maud!

- I love your earrings. - Wow!

And I'm very taken by your perfume.

Take a whiff.

Scent is deeply connected to memory.

And now you'll never forget me.

I smell a bit ripe.

Sweating pretty hard after archery practice.

Oh, wow! I'm also an archer.

Maybe you could give me a couple pointers.

I need help notching my cock feather.

Notching cock feathers is my specialty.

This is so random.

I would love to.

Until then, sweet boy with hair that is long.

Oh!

Okay, how is this possible?

Well, you had it easy, Conway.

Charisma, your conventional good looks.

But I do the work.

And I am not above an Instagram stalk.

It's 2025. Everybody does it.

And then dad insists that I come tonight...

I thought you said he was making strides.

A baby could make bigger strides.

Many have.

You were walking when you were eight months.

When are you not gonna find

every excuse to brag about me?

When you stop being so talented.

That's not gonna happen.

So I'll just get used to it.

Plus I told Shah that I would help him.

And honestly, I would rather do that.

It's-it's nice to work with somebody

who actually listens to my input.

Truly the best thing about dad coming has been Shah.

We make like a weirdly good team.

Oh, I bet you do.

- What is that supposed to mean? - I talk to you every day.

And every day you talk to me about Shah. A lot.

So I'm thinking you have a little crush.

That's insane. First of all, he's a major and I'm a captain.

So it's a no-go. And he's semi-divorced.

And you'll be happy to know I've actually sworn off

dating men like dad.

So I'm not gonna start with his right-hand man.

Those are a lot of really well-thought-out reasons

to not do something you've never considered.

We're good friends.

That is what you said about Cole.

And you were together for three years.

That was when I was 15.

And it's totally different.

If you want to go help your friend,

um, you don't have to come to dinner.

- Dad can fend for himself. - Really?

- Yes. - Wait, but what about you guys?

He hurt three of the strongest women on Earth.

If he tries it again, we will be picking him

out of our teeth before dessert.

- Cool. - Mm-hm.

Oh, man, Maggie just cancelled. This is a disaster.

No, we will be fine without her.

Look, this is simply a dinner with three women

who loved you and then stopped.

Yeah, but I'm just worried they're gonna gang up on you

like the apex predator pack animals that they are.

Well, do not worry.

I'm a big girl, in all the right places too.

Uncooked herring in light brine.

They got the fish, but they keep the pancreas.

- Yum! - Oh, the pancreas. Mmm.

Uh, uh...

Yeah.

So I would like to take this opportunity

to say thank you to you guys for being the stepping stones

on my way to meeting Katja, a woman who has changed me.

And I actually made a list of how I've changed.

It's short. "Vintage motorcycles." Okay.

Didn't have an interest in those before. I do now.

Number two. "Handmade leather belts."

What?

I think we'd rather talk about Katja.

- Yeah. - Here we go.

Incoming. Like I told you, hon.

- Katja. I Googled you. - Hm. Okay.

I found your paper on intersectional sex work

and late-stage capitalism and it was, I mean, wow! Riveting.

- You read my dissertation? - Yes.

Oh, we all have. It's so well-researched.

Thank you. I worked hard.

I did university in Oslo

and then did my masters in psychology in Munich.

- Wow! - You speak German.

You don't? Y-you were married for two years

and you never learned?

Well, I speak a lot of languages,

I speak all the languages

from the countries that

we invaded during my career.

I just missed Germany

by like 40 years.

I know you guys are talking about Nazis.

Nazi, Nazi, Nazi.

By the way, I killed a Nazi recently.

- Hey. - Oh, hey. There you are.

- I was worried you abandoned me. - No.

I'm here. Here with my buddy.

With my pal.

- Hey. - My friend.

Okay. You're being weird.

- I'm being weird? - Yeah.

You are the one with a shovel full of dead mice.

- That's fair. Grab that bag. - Yeah.

- There we go. - All right.

Don't make eye contact.

Don't make eye contact. Good. All right.

So what other genius ideas have you got for me?

I found an electrician who's available today.

That's great.

Okay. Yeah.

I see what the problem is here, sirs.

There's way too many wires in this thing.

Literally everyone else was busy.

Conway and Papadakis are off chasing tail,

so we just gotta work with what we got.

Which is YouTube and BA.

BA, can you ground the green wire

and then connect the yellow and brown?

I am color-blind,

so these all look brown.

But ooh, this one feels...

- Well, you're what? - Very brown.

Oh! Oh, my God!

- Don't touch him. - Oh! No, no, no!

Oh, my God! No, no, no, no, no, no! Oh! Oh!

Oh, no, no! Eh!

Did we recently get metal brooms?

Yeah, the wooden ones were giving people splinters!

I'd love a splinter right now. Okay, I go night-night.

- Oh, um... - Whoo! Oh!

God, I feel great!

Oh, my God!

Okay, all right, laugh it up.

Ha-ha!

Yeah, I know you're laughing at me, so...

It's the big thing in your little secret language.

- Nobody was talking about you. - Oh, really?

Honestly, we never talk about you.

- Yeah. - You guys never talk about me?

Yeah, like I believe, anybody would believe that.

- Never. - That's impossible.

The only way you all know each other

is because of me. I don't even know why you guys

get along so well after all the stuff that went down.

Like when I was having break-up sex with Luisa still

while Nina and I were starting our relationship.

I mean, that would be like a speed bump for anybody.

You know what I mean?

Well done.

Uh, so I guess it's possible they weren't talking about me.

I feel like we're not gonna get to the list.

Did you and your ex-wives ever do any couples therapy?

No. Therapy, I'm not doing therapy.

I even skipped the therapy scenes in The Sopranos.

That show for me was a show about a really happy mobster guy

living this really cool mobster life

and then like he has a couple issues with his mom.

- How did your marriages end? - The normal way.

I mean, I'd get shipped overseas

and we'd stop communicating and then...

I don't know, a couple months later,

I'd get some divorce papers in the mail.

So you abandoned them?

No, I had a battle plan.

I burned the boats behind me

and, and kept marching forward.

I am guessing that it didn't feel so good

to be the boat on fire.

I'm going to use my psychology degree

to do couples therapy for you.

Actually, couples, couples, couples therapy.

Oh, that's a great idea.

Yeah, 'cause then I can fake my way through that.

They'd have to admit that I changed.

- And I win. Of course I do. - No, no.

You have to do this for real.

Because I know you want to be a Quinn.

I am a Quinn. What are you talking about?

- I'm the original Quinn. - Hm!

- What? No, I am. - Okay.

No, I get it.

So you're sneaking behind my back,

stealing Maud with your sexy cheese dates.

- Have you no honor? - Okay, slow down, Corporal.

I wasn't familiar with your game.

- This is me saying I'm sorry. - What?

Oh, wow!

- Is this all for me, Elias? - Yes.

Come chow down on some Camembert

and we'll chat... quivers.

A true dream.

Also, I might have bowed out

when I stalked her Instagram

and found out she's a flat-Earther.

That's a deal breaker for me.

I don't believe in deal breakers.

I once dated a girl who I'm pretty sure killed a guy.

Like, not even a stranger. Like, someone I knew.

I'm so glad you're feeling better.

- I'm gonna get you water. - Yeah, thanks.

Oh, that's a nice picture. Who is that?

Uh, my ex-wife and, uh, stepson.

You're divorced?

Yeah, didn't we talk about that?

Yeah, yeah, you did. I'm messing with you.

That is Celeste. You met in San Diego.

And that's Gabriel. Yeah, you talk about them a lot.

Okay, I'm sorry, you should really talk about your issues

with your dad for a change.

I don't talk about that very much at all.

It's only when he does something awful.

- Which is... - All the time.

- So it is all the time. Yeah. - Mm. Hmm.

I-I do, I think it's nice

that you guys have, uh,

a good relationship.

Yeah, with Gabriel, it's-it's easy.

You know, with Celeste, it's a little harder.

- Mmm. - But the pain makes it real.

You know? It's, like, it reminds you

of the good things you did and everything you failed to do.

And I mean, what am I gonna do, cut her out of my life?

Well, you are nothing like the colonel.

My dad would really rather jump on a live grenade

than speak this openly with someone.

Well, I don't know, maybe it's because I just experienced

a mild electrical shock.

But you're not just someone.

I actually never talked about this with anyone before.

It's...

- Boobs! - Oh, thank God.

I touched boobs!

Consensual make-up straight into under-the-sweater action.

- Why are you telling us this? - Oh, I'm telling everyone.

- So you're going door-to-door? - Yeah.

Oh, also, I fixed the wiring

with that YouTube video you sent.

Papa D likes to do his dirty business

under the lights.

Thank you.

Hey!

- Okay. - You!

I touched boobs today.

What did you do?

So I believe your issues

all come from the same wounds.

Nina, Aisling, Luisa, you do not talk about Patrick

because none of you experienced closure after he disappeared.

Now, I want all you wonderful ladies to say the thing

that you never had the chance to.

And Patrick will listen from a place of non-judgment.

The new me does not find this stupid or resent it at all.

Okay. Patrick, you are the most focused person in the world.

And to be the center of that focus is intoxicating.

But once I had Maggie, suddenly, I became invisible.

Do you know, do you know how cruel that is?

- Thank you for saying your pie... - No, I'm not done.

I'm just getting warmed up. Actually, you know what?

Aisling, you jump in, then Luisa,

and let's just round-robin this

- for like an hour so we... - But that's not what...

- don't get too tired. - She said.

Patrick, you absolute muppet.

You are selfish, and you drank too much from me.

And I'm Irish.

You have the emotional intelligence of a shoe.

To just be invisible to the person you love the most.

You were not very good in bed,

and you had the energy of a cadaver.

And I cannot believe you have not given

the slightest bit of attention to Owen.

- Who? Oh! - Our grandchild.

Still don't love the name.

- Okay. - All right.

Okay, listen, I get it. I failed you guys, okay?

I knew it then, and I know it now.

I just don't understand why you wanna come on vacation with us.

Because, you know, Maggie talks about it,

that you're like one big happy family.

Believe it or not, that's what I wanted

with each one of you. I...

That's what I thought at the beginning

we were gonna have and you all said the same thing,

which is that it was great at the beginning.

If you think about vacations, what's a vacation?

It's like a new beginning every time.

Oh, so I'm sorry.

Your pitch is that you could be

less of a dick in two-week chunks?

- There you go. Of course. - Okay.

Two weeks, I could do it.

-Can you just give us a moment -Yes, please.

So we can have a Quinn family discussion?

- Okay. - Thank you.

It takes strength to listen to the pain you've caused.

The man these women married

would never have been so unselfish.

- I'm proud of you. - Thank you, honey.

We've decided.

We would like to invite you

to our trip next year to Hilton Head.

Really? Thank you. I consider that a genuine honor.

I, I can't wait to come.

You know, if I'm free.

Put me down as a standing maybe.

I was thinking it wouldn't kill me to learn Dutch for Katja.

It's a very sweet thing to do for your lover.

- Yeah. - You know, the two of you

are quite the classic couple. She's a beautiful lady.

You're just a grumpy old man.

Let's do the lesson before I wanna strangle you.

Let's start with the basics.

- Okay. - Okay?

- Hallo. - Hello.

No. Hallo.

- Hallo. - Listen to me.

- Hallo. - I'm listening to you.

Are you listening to me? Hallo.

Yeah, that sounded much worse.

- Hallo. - Hallo.

Listen, please.

Get out of my office.

It's going so well.