Original subtitles

All right.

What the hell?

Captain, what are these Dutch civilian workers doing? It's like they're doing

nothing. Exactly. It is the Dutch art form of Nixon, which is the art of doing

nothing. The Dutch really have it all figured out.

It's coming!

Oh. Sorry.

I love this Nixon thing. It's just the mental health break I needed. Seriously.

Okay. You suck at hacky sack, Colonel. But that's good for my mental health.

-bye. Dutch laziness thing is a virus. It's now spreading to my soldiers.

It's got to be stopped. Major, get on that. Changing entire country's work

ethic. I'm on it. We're going to have to, okay? I need to get this base to the

point where it's 100 % American. Not every place should be America.

That attitude is why you won't be speaking at my funeral.

What the hell is this?

Hi, Colonel.

Your aura right now is red, orange, and pulsing.

Is my Dutch translator high at work?

No, but I was high because I was at a rate all night. But I'm coming down very

slowly, too slowly.

So I'm just trying to hoop it all out.

Oh, I can't believe I get to say this.

What? You're fired?

Oh, my God.

This must be what it feels like to do cocaine, because my whole body is

right now. If you want to find out, I know just the right person. Sir, you

fire him. All Dutch citizens employed for over three years are basically

tenured.

Let me tell you something, pal. I don't know how.

I don't know when, but I do know why.

You are everything that's wrong with this culture, so when I can your ass,

these Dutch workers are going to learn a lesson. Okay.

What are you doing? Why are you still looping?

Because I already did the crime, so I might as well enjoy my time.

I'll see you later, Connie.

them enjoying the sun like total psychos. Colonel? Yeah? Holding all

and an all -afternooner to become an expert in Dutch labor law, I regret to

inform you that it's almost impossible to fire someone in the Netherlands.

Even a substandard employee gets three strikes.

And then I can fire a Dutch ass? You actually have to hire a mediator.

I don't know, Jan's hula drug binge? That was only a second strike.

Wait till you hear how many sick days they get.

Unlimited. That was a typo. That's crazy. How many sick days did you take

year? Zero. Yeah, I love America and Dayquil. Mm -hmm.

How many days off do these Dutch deadbeats need? I mean, don't they know

is more important than work? I mean, nothing.

Dad, when you say nothing is more important than work, I am the nothing in

sentence. Oh, yeah.

A lot of people in kitchen artwork, in beach houses.

would say that family is more important than work. Unlike you, the Dutch

understand a work -life balance. Let's not go crazy here. Let's remember, work

is the engine that keeps our nation running. And I'm not going to let these

Dutch layabouts rub their stinky cheese all over that. I'm going to wait for Jan

to screw up one more time, and then I'm going to nail his hairless hide to the

wall.

Not this wall, because that's my general patent wall.

Are you severely hurt?

I don't know.

Well, look what we have here. You just ran over an American soldier. Strike

three.

Gotcha, bitch.

Name, please.

I'm Henrik. I'm to lead the mediation for you.

It's funny. I must be in the wrong room.

No, no, no, Hendrick.

You are the judge. You are right on time. We've been waiting for you. I'm

the judge. I'm Hendrick.

So, mediator, why do you have an audience?

Oh, well, this is the colonel, and he made attendance compulsory for all Dutch

employees. Yeah, you can't really have a courtroom trial without some murmuring.

You know what I mean? Yeah, but it's not a trial. It's a mediation. I know, but

I thought we'd jazz it up with a little American razzmatazz. You ever see a few

good men? Of course.

Peaks Harkin. Yes, great movie with a timeless message. Yes, speaking truth to

power. No, no, no, that's not the message. The message is keeping the Code

at a distance and probably making sure you have a separate guy to handle the

Code Reds. Anyway, it doesn't matter. You're still in charge, and you get to

one of these.

Oh,

American Law Hammer. It's your American Law Hammer.

Oh, I like that.

Yeah. Thank you, sir. You're welcome. Oh, the guy looks like a Viking.

Why did you give him that hammer? Now he's Thor.

You don't think this is a bit much? His methods may be unconventional, but he

really inspires people to work hard. I mean, look at me. I spent all night

prepping for this case, and you can't even tell.

Your eye is twitching. Your eye is twitching.

Well, Jan is late for his own trial. How very Dutch of him.

Where is he, this Scandinavian twit?

Hello, everyone.

Wow.

Is everyone here for me?

Well, isn't life just as practical?

I'm a big fan of runways, you know. You're wearing that shirt, by the way.

Let the trial of John begin.

Ladies and gentlemen, I think we all know why we're here. It is because I'm

quite the character, yes? No, no. You are lazy and incompetent. It's these

insane Dutch labor laws that require three strikes before termination.

Strike one, six months ago when Jan turned a broom closet into his own

steam room, we had to burn the towel. Strike two, we had to burn the hula

Jan's third strike came yesterday when he recklessly and with malice drove his

bike into private VA. That's not what happened at all, Mr. Colonel. Really?

Enlighten me. The only reason I hate private dummy is because he is a dummy.

I was just riding around, you know, enjoying the attention of the sun.

Then he walked in front of me, flailing around without looking.

I tried to stop in time, but I couldn't. But I cannot blame him, because he has

been failed by the third world American education system.

He does not know that in this country, bicycles always have the right of way.

All he understands is American cars, and they beep, beep, honk, honk.

I'm done talking.

Your Honor.

Jan has just admitted to hitting the victim. And all Jan has to say for

is, beep, beep, honk, honk. I repeat, ladies and gentlemen, beep, beep,

honk, honk.

Wow. That's good.

Captain McGee, do you think you could help me?

Yeah, I'm not a lawyer.

Yes, but you are the only one who can speak up to him.

Well, he's insane. I wish I could help. First they came after the Hula Hoopers,

and you did not speak up because you were not a Hooper.

Then they came for the trade union. No, no, no, stop being in it. That was

inappropriate. Yeah, don't. Yeah, okay. I'm just not very good at defending

myself. Ladies and gentlemen, I think it's time for you to say goodbye to your

precious family because I'm about to introduce a concept that we call in

overtime.

I object.

To the murmurs? I found the hushed whispers appropriate.

And who are you? I'm Captain Margaret Quinn, Colonel Quinn's daughter, and

new defense.

Lawyer. Americans are so good at Rastajan.

Jan, what's your last name?

One of last mysteries, isn't it?

Yes. Yep.

Captain, I would like to formally join your law firm.

This trial seems fun as hell, and you know I love committing to the bit.

Do you know anything about law? Yes. I grew up watching reruns of Law & Order

every night. There's always two lawyers.

One who talks, one who slides in papers.

Mm -hmm. It's true.

I want to slide your papers.

Fine.

This is an open and shut gate.

There are only two witnesses to the crime.

The perpetrator and the victim. So you have to ask yourself, who can you trust?

I recall to the stand, Jan.

Huh? Let's go.

Yeah, and my associate has handed me a file with some troubling information for

you. Would you like to tell me what these are?

Oh, yeah, this is just my request for paternity leave, and that's my other

request for paternity leave. So you took two fully paid paternity leaves.

In a four -month period, Your Honor, I'm no expert at the female reproductive

system, but this is obvious fraud.

And if this man would lie about the sanctity of fatherhood, he could lie

anything.

Captain?

Jan! Are you familiar with the term polycule?

Yes, I am. A polycule is when three or more people are connected in an intimate

relationship. My polycule is me, my wife, Micah, and her girlfriend, Renata.

What's this guy got his own Manson family? Yeah, he's the one with the

family. It is possible for you to lawfully take two paternity leaves

months. Oh, God, yes. First, I fathered a child with my wife, Micah, and I took

full paternity leave. Then three months later, my wife's girlfriend, Renata,

gave birth to her boyfriend's child, and again, I took full paternity leave. All

above board. In fact, my entire family is right here to support me today.

Objection, Your Honor. He's having sex with multiple women, and he's some kind

of a bigamist.

No, sir, I'm going to stop you right there, Colonel.

Um, I'm not sleeping with either of them. Oh, no, Colonel. My sexual

proclivities are far more challenging and complicated than this simple

arrangement.

Take that.

Yes. Renata's always so hungry.

Your Honor, I need a ten -minute... Fifteen. Fifteen -minute recess.

I need to wash this off.

Private VA, thank you for being here today. Please.

Tell us what happened on that fateful day. I was working out at the gym, leg

day, and after that, I saw Yan riding at me.

There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Who are you gonna trust? A dirty,

filthy liar?

Or an American hero devoted to fitness?

You're a witness, Captain.

B .A. You gotta let me question him.

I know B .A. better than anyone. I can crack open his melon head and suck out

the truth juice.

Okay.

Be cool.

I wouldn't do it any other way.

B .A.

is lying.

He was never at the gym, and I can prove it. I knew there was something fishy

about his story. I went to the gym, and I talked to the guy that owns the gym or

runs the gym. I don't know what it is.

But he told me the leg machine had been broken for days.

If he wasn't able to squat, well, justice must be sought.

Bro.

We promised we wouldn't keep secrets from each other. We pinky promised, Your

Honor. I guess that doesn't mean anything anymore. I guess a man's pinky

his bond anymore.

I am lying, okay?

I'm covering something up. Something really, really, really big.

Flew the damn case wide open!

I object, Your Honor.

To what? To the fact that this is really bad for our case.

If you guys want the truth, you have to ask Conway. She was there.

third witness okay fine y 'all got me up there okay we get

the idea all right conway now that you're done lying everybody want to tell

what really happened we were filming a tic tac i've turned ba into a minor

celebrity in malaysia he's known as leather pants man people just love to

him dance in leather pants and they really love it when it's hot outside I

get it, but I'm making a ton of money getting him to advertise for a local

that has nicotine in it. Why would you hide that from me? I would love a soda

with nicotine in it.

Because we knew you would want to join in. And you're a terrible dancer. That

evidence is false and defamatory.

Here's my rebuttal.

Yon, give me a beat.

Yeah. Yon, please.

Papadakis dropping.

Oh, Your Honor, I would like to enter into evidence Leather Pants Man's latest

video, which I like to call The Smoking Gun.

Get out of the way!

Aye,

aye, aye. Hmm.

I guess now would be the time for a lesser man to gloat. Oh, is this not

gloating? Oh, no, no, no. This is not gloating.

This.

She's gloating.

Bye -bye, Jan.

Once we win this case, we're going to take Stroopstorff right back to the days

when work came number one.

Remember that? How could I not?

Working that hard caused my separation.

You know, my wife actually named you in our divorce. I know. I thought that was

really nice of her.

We will reconvene tomorrow morning. After that, I will make my decision. But

is not looking super good for Jan.

Maggie, too young, I'm sorry, but I had to post it. It was internet gold. It's

fine.

Oh, little ones, don't worry.

Papa will just be home more, okay?

There just won't be as much food on the table. However, Renata will always have

enough to eat, yes?

Everything will be fine.

Thanks for meeting me. The colonel can't know that I'm helping you. I just feel

so guilty about blowing up your cave.

You know the last time I took a day off? It was the day my wife filed for

divorce. Your father said, and I quote, you have 24 hours to suck it up. Yeah,

he said that to me when I got my period.

But look, there's no helping us, okay? It's over.

Jan clearly ran into B .A. Video can't show everything.

What are you talking about?

Okay, the Colonel's American agenda started the day he set foot on

Follow the money.

Follow the money?

Follow the money. Do you think that was dumb?

Like, why don't you actually just take the stand and say all the things that

know in your brain?

Well, then I'd have to tell the truth, and then the colonel couldn't be mad at

me for telling the truth. He couldn't punish me for telling the truth. So then

think we both win it. Wait.

You heard that.

Look, my dad's crazy, but he's not, like, crazy. Yeah. He's not, like,

with the night. Yeah, I'm just being paranoid.

Your Honor, I would like to call Major Abraham Shaw to the stand.

I'd like to call Major Shaw to the stand. Your Honor.

Major Shaw is taking a vacation day. I ordered him to attend a local spa, so he

will not be appearing today.

Okay.

Do you want to see where the creek leads?

I do want to see where the creek leads.

It led to Bunny. It led to Bunny.

Objection. The colonel is clearly trying to prevent a key witness from

testifying. Overruled.

The Major's entitled to a vacation if that's all you've got, Captain.

I'm ready to give my ruling.

I have one more witness.

Colonel Patrick Quinn.

My God, even I'm murmuring now.

Maggie, are you sure you want to do this?

Calling your dad to a stand could have, like, real consequences. I know.

Shaw was going to testify to my dad's involvement, and now that he can't, Shaw

said, follow the money.

Look, if you really want to follow the money, you should get behind me. The

nicotine soda industry has deep pockets.

Go to the office and get all of the financial documents.

Okay.

I will do that. I will do that.

Oh, my God, these paperback shares are getting real janky.

Your Honor, permission to treat the witness as hostile.

She hasn't said anything yet. She's right. I'm going to be hostile.

Can you state your name, rank, and favorite reality show for the court?

Might I remind you, you are under oath.

Colonel Patrick Quinn, 90 Day Fiance. I love when the uggo wants the green card,

because then they've got to get creative.

Sir, am I correct in saying you've never taken a day off?

I believe in protecting America's freedom 24 -7, 365.

Major Shaw.

Isn't a fan of vacation days either.

Strange. He would take a day off during such an important trial.

I can only imagine he'll hate it as much as I would because he's a red -blooded

American male.

Best day of my life!

This is the best day of my life!

Sir, is it fair to say that you hate Jan?

No. I wouldn't lend him a hand if he was drowning in a bathtub of lube at one of

his own deviant orgies. I don't hate Jan.

But you think it's ridiculous that he puts his family before work, do you not?

think he's getting cut six ways to Sunday, yeah.

Well, that's just one piece of my sexual puzzle.

But it's a corner piece.

Sir, would you prefer he worked nonstop and became a terrible father, like, say,

you?

Why are they murmuring? That's not murmurable.

You don't have to answer that question.

No, no, I'll answer, Your Honor.

If I was such a terrible father, why did you turn out the way you did? High

school valedictorian, West Point graduate, hell of a fake lawyer. I think

a father with such a strong work ethic allowed you to achieve the things you

have. You want credit for my success. I think I'm entitled. You must be proud of

me. I did the job. Are you proud of me? I did the job. Answer the question! I'm

very proud of you!

That felt good.

Almost as good as I imagined it. Your Honor, she tricked me.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What does this have to do with the bike

accident? Nothing. I was just stalling until I got these.

This is the base's budget the year before you took command. The amount

toward base bike share repair is 20 ,000 euro. This is the budget after you took

command. Do you care to share with the court how much money you allotted toward

bike repair?

Zero euros.

Earlier, my client testified.

I tried to stop in time, but I couldn't. Therefore, Colonel, Jan's brakes were

faulty due to your very American budget cuts on this Dutch bait. We all saw the

video with our own eyes. You can throw all the numbers you want at it, but we

still know what we saw.

You're right. That's why I'm going to need you to ride this.

Your Honor, I would like to enter Jan's bicycle into evidence.

I will definitely allow it, yes.

We just need you to reach Jan's alleged speed at the time of the crash, pump the

brakes, and stop.

Not a problem.

It worked pretty good.

Jan's brakes failed, and that's why the accident happened. The Colonel's gross

negligence towards bike repair was the cause. I rest my case.

I have reached a verdict.

Jan... is not guilty of this third strike and his employment continues

indefinitely.

Nice job.

Oh, so you're proud of me.

Listen, I just gave you one that's going to tide you over to my deathbed.

This is Charlie.

Wow. You like yoga, nature walk.

Gotta say, a work -life balance looks good on you.

You know, actually, I thought about taking another day off in six months.

And look at this guy over here.

Just trying Nixon.

Nice doing nothing, huh, Dad?

I'm doing something.

I'm making a list of my enemies.

Okay, well, you've been silent for like ten minutes.

It's a long list.