Original subtitles

Let's go.

Doc.

She has no recollection

of the last eight years.

Bring it on.

I came here to help you.

"Kitchen Nightmares ”

Are you in.

And “Going Dutch ”

Pew pew pew.

First guns I've seen on the base.

Let's go, let's go.

All available now.

Oh.

♪ Jingle bells jingle bells

Hey, you. Boy.

- What the hell is goin' on? - It's Christmas, sir.

No, it's not. It's the middle of spring.

And why are you talking like that?

I'm Tiny Tim from A Christmas Carol.

- We're performing it today. - Yeah?

You better work on that limp 'cause I ain't buying it for

a second, pal. You're not limping, you're just hopping.

An orange if you've been a good little soldier girl.

Mm-hmm. Now go and decorate the tree, of course.

Ooh, tell me, colonel, have you been a good boy?

- What the hell's going on? - Oh, you don't know?

- No. - During Second World War...

Stroopsdorf couldn't celebrate Christmas

because we were under enemy occupation.

- Uh-huh. You're welcome by the... - And after we got liberated...

We decided to celebrate in spring instead.

So now we celebrate Christmas twice a year. Twice Christmas.

Wh-why are you dressed like a real Pope?

I'm Dutch Father Christmas, known as Sinterklaas,

a svelte man who travels from Madrid

in a tugboat full of oranges

just to put candy in little children's boots.

So let me get this straight, you're a fruit peddler

who's got a foot fetish. Is that the idea?

At least it's not as idiotic as your Santa Claus,

that grinning mascot for your country's obesity and the whore

to your corporations. Yes, I said it, a whore.

I'm gonna give you literally three seconds to

disappear, or I'm gonna hit you in the head with an...

- Colonel, it's Twice Christmas. - Yeah.

And I'm gonna hit you twice as hard.

No, colonel, are you crazy?

- Ah... - No, don't do it! Ah!

It's-it's Christmas. Ah!

Oh, colonel, no. Please be a good boy.

Ah, colonel. Ah, ah...

Maggie. Ah, ah!

Jan, are you okay?

- Help me. - What happened?

Your father was throwing oranges at me.

I've never seen him so brutal.

I should have known. My father despises Christmas.

Ruined every single one till I was, like, 16.

The day after Thanksgiving when the decorations went up,

that was, that was my Black Friday.

I'm pretty sure that's everyone's

Black Friday, but, yeah.

It's gonna be everyone here's

Black Tuesday unless I stop him

because he will cancel Twice Christmas.

He will take away Christmas

like the fussy green grump of legend.

There is no amount of boo-hooing from Whoville

that's gonna make his heart grow any bigger.

He already takes pills for that, so...

- Perfect. - Be careful with that.

General. Colonel. I didn't know you'd be here.

Also, as a quick follow-up, why are you here?

I admit I'm a man of basic tastes.

I like Michael Buble, chicken teriyaki,

the films of Ron Howard.

But most of all, I love Christmas.

And this is the only place on Earth

where you can get it twice!

I come here every year.

And if I'm a lucky boy,

Santa may make an appearance today.

Ha-ha!

Okay, I thought you were joking.

- And the joke would be? - General...

I got your new fit, and it is fire.

Let's just say my guy in Prague knows his way around

crushed red velvet and white fur.

- So you're Santa. - I can neither confirm nor deny.

But I can say Santa and I have never been seen

in the same room together.

Listen up, I am sick of you always ruining Christmas,

and I am not gonna let you Scrooge us over.

- Ho-ho-ho. What? - Oh, my God!

- I can't say ho anymore? - You look, um, festive.

I decided to join in the fun.

Is there a gun pointing at you right now?

Just a gun of intimate moments and sexual compatibility.

- It's starting to make sense. - Mm-hmm.

Yeah, your father had reservations at first.

- Mm... - But upon my explanation...

He understood the holiday's importance

and agreed to join in tonight for my Twice Christmas party.

- Mm. - So...

We are looking forward to

celebrating our first Christmas dinner

as girlfriend and boyfriend.

- Girlfriend and boyfriend? - Yes.

- Is that a problem? - No.

I'm just, uh, not used to the concept.

Oh. Maybe try blow-drying your hair.

No, I, I meant, um, in, in relation to, to him.

I have heard my dad referred to as a husband,

an ex-husband, uh, a phone number that I called

to have a strange woman answer, "Is this one of your whores?"

This is new for me as well.

But things have progressed to a point

that we decided to, as you say, make it official...

by elevating him

to the lead lover in my stable of men.

- Number one with a bullet. - Okay, I'm gonna, um...

- Head out. - Where you going?

- Some stuff to, um, throw up. - Okay.

- She is so repressed. - I know. It's her mom.

- Hey, major. - Hey. Hey.

Looked like you were just about to cry.

No, I'm good. What are you doing here?

Part of the deal I have with the colonel for not kicking me

out of the army for being this awesome

is that I have to keep my awesomeness hidden

when General Davidson is here. So I sit in here.

Make all-day chili and eat it all day.

Hm.

Why are you hiding in the kitchen?

I can't take any more of this Twice Christmas.

It's like once is enough, right?

- Hm, okay. - Staying up all night.

Wrapping presents for your stepson, drinking Santa's milk,

googling how do reindeer eat to best mimic carrot bites.

But then his mom and you split up, and

all you're left with are memories that taunt you.

I didn't know you got a stepson.

- Well, I had a stepson. - Okay.

I'm gonna need you to stop there. I'm sorry, man.

I have this weird thing where I get super bummed when I hear

- about dead kids. - What?

It's like how some people hate the word moist.

- I know, but... - No, he's not dead!

What are you talking about?

No, I just can't talk to him right now

because his mom and I are mid-divorce...

Oh, thank God.

Well, like your ex-wife,

I'm gonna need some space

because there's a part of all-day chili

where I end up needing to do something else all day.

Okay, say no more, I'm gonna go to my office and watch

one of those devastating photo montages

that my phone sends me every day.

- Mm-hmm. Okay. - Yeah.

I might chase myself out of here

if there's another like that in the chamber.

Katja! Katja! Katja! Katja!

You didn't hear me. I was like, "Katja! Katja!"

- Oh, that was you? - Uh...

I just wanted to say thank you so much.

Oh, please. The blow-dryer was just a suggestion.

- But you should take it. - Oh, I, I meant...

Actually, thank you for

getting my dad on board with Twice Christmas.

Oh, it was nothing. Have a nice day.

He's always the worst with Christmas.

One year he actually cut off his finger

to get out of Christmas dinner, which he said was an accident.

- But I knew was not the case. - Why are you telling me this?

Because I promise to do my best to wrangle him tonight.

- Tonight? - Yes, at the party.

I'll keep him in check.

Oh, that's so kind of you, but unnecessary

since you're not invited.

I'm so sorry, I didn't know, uh, that

it was like a-an intimate affair.

- It's actually quite large. - Oh.

I just did not invite you because I do not like you.

Happy Twice Christmas.

Bing-bong! Hi.

I rang the doorbell, but you weren't answering.

So you decided to surprise me through the back door.

- Hm. - You are your father's daughter.

Um, I realized that I forgot

to give you your Twice Christmas gift.

I just remembered once that you said that you're an Aries.

So it's a bracelet with your astrological sign.

- Yes. - So overly thoughtful.

It was no problem at all, um...

Hey, while I'm here, I was thinking about

that little thing that you mentioned earlier.

- That I don't like you? Yeah. - Yeah.

And it occurred to me, of course,

you don't like me because you don't know me. Right?

And if we just get to know each other, you'd...

Please let me save you from embarrassment.

Oh, of course. Thank you.

The very reason I do not like you

is because I do know you.

You are a people-pleaser who uses gifts

as currency in a doomed economy of validation.

Which is why you still dress like you're eight years old

because all you truly want is daddy's approval.

- Well, embarrassment saved. - Yeah.

You came here to please me,

so I might tell him to love you.

- But I'm not your mommy. - Oh.

I will not suckle you. Heh. You cannot afford it.

No, I'm here because you are in a relationship with my daddy.

With my dad.

And I figured that we should

also have a relationship. That's all.

Um...

- But I'll... - No. You know what?

Maybe I misread you.

- Let us start again. - Yes.

Would you mind giving me a hand to prepare dinner?

- We are making venison. - Oh, yum.

Yes, I would love to. How can I help?

Aw...

Kill the baby.

- Sorry? - Uh, the fawn.

- Kill it for dinner. - Kill the baby fawn?

- Yes. The big one is too tough. - Right. And the big one is...

- The mother. Hm. - The mother. Right.

I could kill the baby in front of its mother.

It's, um. it's reverse Bambi.

- Right. - Okay. Yeah. Right.

I am a trained soldier, you know?

- And I am... - Yes.

Trained to kill the enemy. Okay.

You will take the life of this beautiful creature?

No, I didn't want to, but you asked. I didn't want to.

I didn't wanna kill it. I love Bambi. I didn't wanna do it.

So you did it because I asked you nicely?

If I asked you nicely, you would betray your own feelings

and slaughter little Luna?

- Oh, God. I'm sorry. - Go home, Captain Quinn.

Um...

It would have been quick.

Major, I got good news.

So I reached out to your ex-wife Celeste.

- You did what? - And...

I Face-Timed with your beautiful ex-wife Celeste.

Corporal, do not mistake my kindness for weakness.

- Don't mess with my family. - Relax.

Celeste and I had very little chemistry when we...

What is going on here?

Just trying to decide which of the 12 objects on my desk

I will use to kill you with.

- A pen? - It's too fast. Mm-hmm.

Okay, well, I spoke to Gabriel.

- Gabriel. - And he made you a video.

Saying hi. That's why I came in here.

Sit down, please. Just one...

Hi, Abe, your friend convinced mom

to let me send a message. How is Netherlands?

I wanna show you something I've been working on.

Oh, he's bringing out his tuba!

- We're in for a treat. - Yeah.

This is one of the best gifts anyone's ever gotten me.

- So thank you. - Gabriel!

- Time for dinner! - Abe, I gotta go.

Terrence made us smash burgers!

Terrence! Terrence!

Who the hell is Terrence?

You are not going to believe this.

Katja doesn't like me.

- You already knew that. - Yeah.

I thought it was pretty obvious.

- Why would it be obvious? - I don't know.

Look on her face every time you enter a room.

- That would be one clue. - Ah.

And you're-you're okay with this, with the fact

that your girlfriend hates me?

Okay, listen. She doesn't hate you. That...

You know, she just doesn't like you, you know, a lot.

- Oh. No. - That bothers you?

Maybe. Yes, a lot.

The whole army basically hates my guts.

- And I-I couldn't care less. - Yeah.

And, like, what, two people, you know, don't...

I shouldn't have said two people don't like you.

- Two people? - No.

- I'm not giving... - What're their names?

- I'm not... - Tell me their names.

I am busy sucking it up, getting ready

to get myself to Katja's Christmas dinner.

I don't remember you ever sucking it up

for any of my Christmases growing up.

You know why? Didn't have a strategy.

If you think about it, these parties, the dinners,

all of it, it's like a land war, right?

- Hm. - What solves that? Tanks.

So I am taking the tank to her Christmas dinner.

Wait, is this a metaphor, or are you actually

bringing a tank to a party?

Yes. Can you believe it took me this long?

To come up with that concept? Tsk.

This Terrence guy, he just shows up in my

family's life, and I don't know anything about it.

Nobody even talks to me about this? Terrence.

What kind of a guy has a name like Terrence?

Terrance McDowell. Sorry, man. That's a hot name.

How do I know that this guy is safe to be around?

He could be like a killer or a thief,

or one of those cartoonists who are really good at their job,

but they also draw your flaws in, like, a really mean way.

- Hm. - Find out more.

Well, that's kind of the problem because

this guy has, like, zero digital footprint.

Okay, there's this Facebook profile that he deleted in 2011

where he lists his favorite band as Train.

Ah!

I love my stepson.

I can't stand idly by and let him meet Virginia.

Anything more would require, like, a security clearance

above you. Even the colonel.

But not General Davidson.

♪ Fa-la la-la-la la-la la-la ♪

Ho-ho-ho! And what do you want from Santa?

For him to authorize

domestic surveillance of an American citizen.

More specifically, my soon-to-be ex-wife's new boyfriend.

- That's a hell of an ask, major. - Nah.

And that boy asked for a body pillow for humping?

It's your fateful companionship.

Geert, if you were a dog,

they would have neutered you for less.

Mm-hmm.

I am confused.

- Why are you upon my doorstep? - Oh.

I'm crashing your party, uninvited.

- Do you like that? - No, I do not like that.

Oh, good. You're gonna love this. No gift.

Would a people-pleaser crash a party with no gift?

I don't think so. Heh-heh.

But I am, I am gonna need you to take this

since I am not an animal.

So just take that, and I'm gonna crash this way.

Merry Christmas, y'all!

Everyone, this is Captain Margaret Quinn.

- Hi. - She is Patrick's daughter.

She was not invited.

Hi, everyone, um, I'm just here to prove to Katja

that I am not a people-pleaser. I don't care if Katja likes me.

Actually, don't care if any of you guys like me.

- That's super look. - Dana.

- What are you doing here? - I was invited.

Fantastic!

Everyone.

Uh, dinner will be served very shortly.

Ah, raw meat. Disgusting.

- It's gourmetten. - Gourmetten.

- Gourmetten. - Yeah.

Yes, we grill our food.

So we have to cook it before we eat it. Oh, God.

Are we guests at this dinner or are we working it? Heh.

No wonder she didn't get invited.

- The whole spread is, uh... - Beautiful.

Bad. Yuck.

You are a little baby.

Now you go find your father and tell him

he cannot let his little baby wander around my party.

- Oh, hey. Uh-huh! - Hey.

I get it. This is the tank.

Every terrestrial campaign has been won by armor,

including this one tonight.

I've never seen you drink white wine in my life.

Oh, no, this is 90% vodka, 'cause...

Otherwise, I'm gonna kill somebody out there. I need...

Oh! - Here you are, colonel.

Beatrix, you found me again. Heh-heh.

Beatrix was telling me for, um,

for a long time about how she makes chairs

that are uncomfortable for people to sit in. Yeah.

Human comfort is not the reason for an object to exist.

It is the reason chairs exist, though.

You know, my foot's killing me, I'm gonna go in the kitchen

and take some aspirin. And, uh... No, no, you should stay.

This is a very interesting conversation. I can't...

- You can't? - Because my foot hurts. Yeah.

Make a hole. There we go.

Ah. Ah, you got me again.

I think you didn't hear me the first time.

Excuse me, make a hole!

- Move! Move it. - I should probably...

When I place my butt on Beatrix's chairs,

the beating life of its creators enters me.

Well, I wish I had a tank.

Oh, it is exhausting

being that rude. I don't know how you do it all the time.

- It takes years of practice. - What are you doing?

Feeling, like, boxed in. Like, I need an escape plan.

Here it is. Okay, you take that.

You're gonna cut off one of my fingers.

Why does everyone keep handing me knives?

Here we go. Let's go, pinky.

It's good for both of us 'cause you'll have to take me

to the hospital. We'll both get out of here.

- No, you wish. - Very disappointing.

So you did cut off your pinky in 1994.

- Yes, this one. - I knew it!

You know, you're always on this thing about,

like, we're not close enough and

blah, blah, blah, do stuff together.

Can I have some of the vodka wine?

Yeah, it's strapped under

my scooter.

There's not enough vodka wine

in the world to numb me to these morons.

Beatrix followed me around for 20 minutes lecturing me

about how ottomans aren't just backless chairs.

- Like, I need to know that. - I don't get it.

Why don't you just tell Katja that you hate it, and leave?

No. You don't tell the truth in a situation like this.

What are you, nuts? Here's what we could do.

You could step it up a notch, cause a scene.

You could cut one of your fingers off.

You want me to ruin Christmas?

I'm not doing this anymore, and I'm not gonna be unlikable

just for one person to like me.

- I'm gonna go save Christmas. - All right, I'm coming.

I'm gonna save this Christmas so hard.

Wrong leg.

Thanks again for helping with this, general.

Honestly, Shah, I sympathize with you.

I mean, all my exes have new boyfriends

and they all look like the next bachelor

and not the golden ones.

All right, what did I miss on this Train-loving clown?

- You're in the army? - Oh, yeah.

Sorry, I got sick of hiding in the closet

and I ran out of chili, so...

You must drive the colonel insane!

- I live in his head rent-free. - Ha! I love it.

Santa is going to give you all the cookies you can eat.

- Shah. - Uh...

We, uh, input the coordinates,

we use the eye in the sky,

and we watch your ex's house.

Okay, just to make sure they're in good hands, that's all.

Ah, we have a visual.

They're having a catch.

- Hm. - Gabriel seems fine.

Yeah, he's doing okay. All right.

- I may have overreacted. - Well, you miss him.

And he misses you, too. And so does Celeste.

'Cause I took it upon myself to send her

a series of very flirtatious messages,

hitting on her super hard.

She didn't bite. Not one bit.

Okay, what are you doing with Celeste in your...

Okay, this isn't even about me and her, but, yeah, I'll call

her and I'll ask if I can start Face-Timing with Gabriel.

- Perfect. - You're welcome.

Stop texting my exes.

I'm not gonna stop texting Stacy.

- Wait, Stacy from summer camp? - Yeah.

Her marriage is hanging on by a thread.

- Tok. - Okay.

Oh. Ha-ha. Excuse me, everybody.

- I would like to make a toast... - Ahem.

That there are so many different walks of life

represented around this table.

- Mm-hmm. And chairs. - Oh.

Yes, Beatrix, and chairs.

Isn't that the meaning of-of Twice Christmas,

having a second chance to gather in peace and harmony

around this beautiful meal, around this table?

Oh, Maggie!

- Oh, God. - Oh, my God.

- Ah... Oh. - Oh, I told you.

- You have got to stop drinking. - What is...

I'm gonna take her to the hospital.

And then to the rehab center. You did a great job.

- I did not do this on purpose. - Okay.

- I will take her. - What?

I understand the bureaucracies of social medicine.

I'll drive both you guys to the hospital, then, and...

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - No!

You must stay, it's your first Twice Christmas.

I don't want you to cut off your jubilation.

- Come on, baby. - Okay. No, I'm...

- Happy Christmas, everybody. - Twice. Twice Christmas.

Yeah, forget it. I don't know about you guys, but...

Here's to jubilation.

You don't have to wait with me.

I know you do not like me.

And you don't have to pretend to just 'cause I'm, uh, injured.

I did not like you.

And you are a people-pleaser who craves attention.

But you were also a crazy woman

at my Twice Christmas dinner. I like that.

Some of my favorite people are a little bit crazy.

- Oh. Yeah. - Your father. My lover Julia.

Although we don't say crazy. She's diagnosed bipolar.

Well, what I'm hearing is that

I'm one of your favorite people.

Oh, not even close.

But you owned your insanity.

- Ah. - I like you 13% more.

Yes!

Next year it'll be 20.

Tables come in a variety of sizes.

Yeah, but it's not really about the size of the table.

More like the size of the room.

Especially once you introduce

the concept of shapes.

Yeah, which you must.

- You absolutely... - Oh.

Shut up with the shapes!

That's it. I'm out! I've had it.

That's right. Yeah, I can walk. It's a Christmas miracle.

Ooh, God bless us, everyone.

Except you, with the weird hat.

We know you have an oddly-shaped head.

You can go to furniture hell. Oh, wait a minute.

We're in it! Ha-ha-ha.

It's going so well!