Original subtitles

Let's go.

Doc.

She has no recollection

of the last eight years.

Bring it on.

I came here to help you.

"Kitchen Nightmares"

Are you in.

And "Going Dutch"

Pew pew pew.

First guns I've seen on the base.

Let's go, let's go.

All available now.

Let's go. Ball, ball, ball, ball!

Yep! Nice!

Okay, colonel, we're up by nine points, and BA's looking

a little bit more concussed than usual.

- Maybe we should ease up a bit? - No.

Iron sharpens iron.

Well, hello, basket boys.

Beige pants. That's a strong choice.

Yeah, you look like Skinny-the-Pooh.

Whenever you get tired of your little game,

I would be happy to show you a real game of hoops.

- Is that right? - Of course it's right.

That is why I said it.

What the hell are we watching?

So, it's like basketball

but without everything that's good about basketball.

No jumping. No dunking. No dribbling.

This is the dumbest thing I've ever seen.

Correction. That's Korfball.

Korfball is a real man's game.

But also a real woman's game because teams must be co-ed.

Yeah, so the hoop is 11 and half feet,

but there's no backboard. So does anyone ever score?

Of course! Almost eight percent of the time.

Oh, is that maybe not enough for you Americans

and your insatiable hunger for points?

Look at me! I am eating all the points.

Yum yum yum!

They are deep fried because I'm American.

Just walking around the state fair

eating all my deep fried points on a stick.

Does anyone have any ranch sauce?

Okay, I am not gonna stand here

and let you insult American excellence,

especially ranch.

Korfball is a true test of depth perception

and gender equality.

And that's two things you Americans are so terrible at.

- That's it. - Oooh!

Ranch is one thing, but insulting

American depth perception? Ha-ha.

Not on my watch, pal. Saturday noon here,

USA versus the Dutch

in a game of your little stupid ball, okay?

Prepare to get your ass kicked at your own dumb game.

We're gonna have to learn everything

about Korfball by Saturday.

Feels like what I joined the Army to do.

- I hate this guy. - Mmm.

So, you want to play Korfball?

Can't believe the answer to that question is yes.

Can you see what else he did wrong?

I don't know, she was being Dutch.

Don't worry, just remember the five do's

and 37 don'ts.

- Ugh! - No.

Uh-uh, I'm gonna scroll ahead.

- Three and a half hours long? - No.

- Sir, please. - No way.

I'm not backing down from a fight,

especially not with Jan, so you need to find a way

for me to destroy that Dutch waffle licker.

You know, that seemed like it was gonna

be offensive, but I don't think

- it actually was. - No, it wasn't.

I go right up to the line... Hello.

- You wanted to see us, sir? - Yeah.

Listen, we have to play Korfball

and apparently need two women to do that,

so we heard you guys played Korfball before.

Mm-hmm. The Dutch love to watch

Americans get their ass beat.

Are you telling me that you voluntarily submit

to a ritual humiliation

of our country in a foreign land?

- No. - No. No.

We participate in a community bonding event.

- Oh. Mm-hmm. - And it's so fun.

Okay, hold on. Everyone gets a shirt.

Oh, and last year I made friends with the Korf-boy.

He has this big midwinter horn

that he blows after every point.

And during the breaks he plays jazz.

Which is a little strange

'cause the horn only plays one note,

but the locals tell us it's all about

the one notes he doesn't play.

Cool. I'm gonna stick that horn right down his tiny throat.

Don't tell me you're gonna get insane about all of this.

Jan poked a bear and now I'm gonna gnaw his arm off.

And then I am gonna make them beg

for their precious government-funded euthanasia.

Can you imagine a country so full of quitters,

they wanna quit life, and have somebody else pay for it?

- Now that was offensive. Yeah. - Hah! Yeah, yeah.

She liking the top hat? I'm breaking her in.

Got a formal night at the Stroopsdorf DFAC tomorrow.

I was not expecting to find such a genuine American weirdo.

Now, how did someone like you end up in the Army?

I was walking around a mall, really high.

Recruiter waves me in, tells me

you can vape in the army, which was a damn lie.

And wham, bam, thank you, ma'am, Corporal Elias Papadakis.

Future American hero, and I believe

age is nothing but a number.

Age is a number, and that fact is not in dispute.

I'm Katja, a friend of your colonel.

So am I.

- Oh, I doubt that very much. - Corporal?

- Oh, colonel. - Take off the top hat.

Okay.

- Katja. - Everyone in town

is talking about the Korfball match this weekend.

They are very excited to see the new colonel lose.

Really? I'm not actually, uh, into the idea of defeat

in the name of community relations

so you can tell everybody we will not lose

because I don't lose.

Well, I continue to be astounded at the size of your ego.

Oh! Well, what do you say we, uh,

grab some Italian and go back to my place?

Well, I would prefer to go to your place first.

I like my food during and after, but never before.

God, every word you say is like poetry.

Oh, backward.

Okay, this is gonna get old, real fast.

Yeah.

USA!

- What's the spread? - Doesn't matter.

These pogues just bet on America

straight up winning.

Their blind patriotism is about to make me $1,500.

I can't believe you're betting against your own team.

I can't believe you can't believe it.

This ain't the Olympics. We're bad at this.

Huh!

Now, four baskets in an hour. That's how many we have.

Well, I guess you can't master a foreign sport in an hour.

Which is why I said we should just have--

I order you not to say "have fun," okay?

Just enjoy ourselves.

You know, I know this good times Captain Maggie thing

is 50% real and 50% just to piss me off.

It's actually 100% real and 100% to piss you off.

- Is it really? - Yeah, yeah.

Okay, that's interesting because the Rocket...

would never embrace losing.

Never.

Major, do you have a moment?

I don't know. I'm really enjoying

these Korfball instructional videos,

so I can only make time for literally anything else.

It's just...

the colonel called me the Rocket...

which was my nickname back in high school.

Yeah, when you played basketball.

How would you know that?

How would he know that?

Your mom sent newspaper clippings.

He used to hang 'em on his wall in his office.

Like he was proud of me or something?

He used to brag about it all the time to the troops.

So, yeah, he was proud.

I buried the Rocket a long time ago.

Okay.

Well, I need to memorize this rule book.

Devise a foolproof plan for victory.

And then I'm gonna call my mom and tell her her baby boy

is living his dream of protecting

the greatest nation on Earth.

Good talk.

Hello, old friend.

If I didn't know any better, two nights in a row

I'd think you were sweet on me.

I always look forward to our conversations.

That and your fantastic head of hair.

Men your age often have very sad plugs.

They look like a farm where the crop is pubic hair.

Yeah, no, not this. This is all natural.

It's held up by three-in-one shampoo

and revenge against my bald enemies.

But I must change our plans for Saturday night.

I was invited to speak at a seminar.

No, I don't mind. I-I enjoy the fact that you're a polyglot.

And I enjoy that you know the word polyglot.

Yeah, because General McChrystal once called me that

when I was excelling at both airborne and armor equally.

- And there's that ego. - Yeah, I can't help myself.

Instead, I will see you Saturday afternoon

to cheer for you.

- Uh-huh. - And Bram.

- And who's Bram? - The town baker.

He's very tall.

Very good at Korfball.

Anything I should worry about there?

Don't be silly.

My relationship with him is purely sexual.

Very different than what we have.

- Yeah. - That's not a problem, is it?

No.

Come on. Are you kidding me?

Two guys? I mean, that's, you know, I-I'm a polyglot.

- Uh-huh. - Yeah.

The gentleman sent this over.

- I wanna join your table. - No.

Bram, stretched out...

- Colonel? - Yeah. Ha!

All right, so yesterday was terrible.

Today we're aiming for just merely horrible.

I refuse to lose to the Dutch,

- especially Jan. - Hey, team.

- Hey. - I hope you like passing drills.

We're gonna work fundamentals for the next three hours.

That's more like it.

Whatever happened to this being fun?

Oh, the colonel reminded me

that there actually is

nothing more fun than winning.

- Mm-hmm. - So, we're gonna spend

the next 20 minutes doing suicides.

- 20 minutes? - Yep.

- No. - No.

No!

Okay.

You know, I think this is the most fun

I've ever had with you since we were throwing the ball around

in the backyard when you were a kid.

We did that once when I was six.

You said I threw like a girl.

I yelled that I was a girl.

We fought for an hour and never did it again.

So, this actually was the most fun

we've ever had together. Good job, Rocket.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

There's more where that came from.

Looking forward to seeing it.

Rocket time!

Filming practice so we can do video review?

- Brilliant. - Papadakis, pause it there.

All right, can anyone tell me what the problem is?

Anyone? Anyone? I'll jump in.

The problem is you're all terrible.

Makes me want to kill myself and then you.

Major, move your feet.

Sir, you run like a 14-year-old girl

afraid to make her new boobies jiggle.

- Okay? Okay, sorry. - What the hell?

- That-- - No, listen.

First of all, don't apologize.

She did say sir.

And I'm loving this energy.

I'm not. Who are you right now?

I get it. You guys are all used to Captain Maggie.

Everybody's friend. Real sweetie pie.

But the old Captain Maggie can't come to the phone right now.

She's dead. This is the Rocket speaking.

High school basketball legend. Two-time All-State.

Would have been three. But I bit a girl.

- Damn, why? - I was hungry.

- Okay. - Now, colonel, you'll like this.

New tape. We're gonna watch the other team's practice,

which I secretly recorded. Their best player

is this weirdly handsome town baker.

He is married to the game.

Which may or may not be why he's getting a divorce.

Uh, do we have the details on that? Like...

Hey, I just like my bakers to be married and off the market.

That way they keep their focus on the bread.

Moving on, their second best player

is this tiny pregnant woman

who is, well, very tiny and very pregnant.

That has got to give us something to work with.

You wanna use a woman's pregnancy against her?

I thought this game was about gender equality.

It is. And as a feminist, I'm gonna bulldoze her.

- That's my girl. - Mm-hmm.

I'm starting to think my money isn't safe.

I'm starting to think that none of us are safe.

- Hey, pipe down, jiggly-boobs. - Hey!

Captain Maggie, I am bored.

The Rocket has to find an edge.

Ooh, ooh. Ah, Papadakis, pause it.

Jan is favoring his right leg.

Papadakis, pause it.

What, are you gonna be mean to me now, Captain Maggie?

Don't do that. I can't take it. You're like a mother to me.

Okay, I may be eight years older than you.

You think you can sink another shot?

Sure. Easy.

Did you play basketball?

I used to go out back and, like, shoot for hours every day.

But get this, my drunk uncle hung the hoop

- too high over the garage. - Did he?

Yeah. If you ever need someone who can hit an 11.5-foot net

every time without fail, let me know.

Ow.

Whoo! Whoo!

Okay, everyone, it's go time!

Let's go.

Ah, so, to quote the famous Dutch jock, Jan,

boom, bam, bada, boom, bada, boom, boom.

Are you all prepared for this?

Yeah!

- God, I hate this country. - Korf!

All right, guys, listen up, okay?

Maggie and I just wanna say one thing.

We're totally disappointed in all of you.

Here's Shah with the game plan.

Okay, they have to cover every player one-on-one

so we can create space near the Korf basket

by placing a decoy at the far edge of the court.

Oh, so we get the worst girl to stand

in the corner and stretch the D.

She, he, or they must keep moving.

So we take the worst girl and we just make her run in circles.

And clearly, I'm the worst girl, so I'll just--

Nice try, you're actually too good to be the worst girl.

And I found out about your bets,

so I'm not gonna let you throw the game.

Which is why I found her.

- Who is she? - I've been here the whole time.

This is private, uh, someone.

- I do have a name. It's... - No time, Private Someone.

Go practice your circles. Yeah.

Conway, you're gonna ride the pine.

Oooh!

Don't forget, guys, the baker is all mine.

Time to hit the pole, Betty Crocker.

I'm so happy that

you're finally connecting with your dad.

It's really nice to see you guys getting along.

But also, it's awful and I want it to stop.

Look, a lot of us just miss the old Captain Maggie.

Oh, I don't know what to say.

Um, oh, yeah, I do, actually.

Ride the pine with Conway.

- Papadakis, you're in. - Money.

Hup, hup, hup, Holland.

Three, two, one. Kill the Dutch!

- Dad, behind. - What?

Ooh!

Nice!

- Woo-hoo! - Come on!

Woo-hoo!

Freak out, guys!

- Whoo! - Oh, these points taste so good.

I wish I could eat them in my lunch.

Mmm-mmm.

- Colonel Patrick Quinn. - Hey.

What'd I tell you about America Korfball?

I hate it.

The violence, the woman running in circles,

unequal to the men on her team. This is not Korfball.

Okay, you're just upset because your string-bean boyfriend

- can't keep up. - That is what this is?

Because I have sex with Bram?

No, I don't care that you have sex with two guys.

Well, don't worry. From now on,

I'll just be having sex with one.

- Which one? - It's Bram!

Okay.

Blow that thing one more time,

and I'm gonna shove it down your throat.

You got me?

Oh, wait. I'm-I'm-I'm... Please don't cry, little Korfboy.

Um... Who have I become?

A villain in a "Mighty Ducks" movie.

And you dress like one too.

I'm...

This is why I stopped playing basketball.

Because I did not like what it brought out in me.

What do you mean?

What do you mean what do I mean?

I mean, you. You're in me.

And if I'm not careful, then it comes out and it's like...

being the Incredible Hulk's daughter.

Okay, well, that's one of the nicest things

- anybody's ever said to me. - Okay.

You dangled the attention and affection

that you withhold from me to do all of this.

No, I pushed the only button available to me

to motivate a member of my team.

Why can you not just give me a compliment

like a normal dad?

- I don't know! - Figure it out!

Why is everyone so mad? We're winning.

Okay, I'm gonna go out there.

I'm gonna try and score one of those chicks

and I am not gonna be picky.

We have to lose. It solves everything.

Maggie, you can prove that you're not your father

- and Conway-- - Losing gets me my money.

I get it, I'm in.

All right, guys, who's ready to forget

about everything that happened in here and go back out there

and dominate those clog sniffers?

Maybe we don't. What did we prove in the first half?

- That we could-- - That Americans can dominate

at any sport we choose.

- Everybody knows that. - It's true.

So let's let them have it. And the only way

to make it up to your girlfriend

is to lose to your girlfriend's boyfriend.

Lose to Bram? Wait a minute. You want me to take a dive?

It's the only chance to prove

that you're more than just your ego.

You wanna win the girl or the game?

Now, it's a low blow, using Katja against me.

I'm pushing the only button I have

to motivate a member of my team.

Let's do it, let's go out there and lay down

like French soldiers in front of a German tank.

Let's go! All right, team.

If we're going to lose, Shah, you're in.

- Ouch. - Papadakis, you're benched.

- You're benching me? - Yeah.

I'm reinventing the game out there, Maggie.

I'm like the Steph Curry of Korfball.

I'm Steph Korfy.

Dana, obviously, you're in.

But can you let Private Someone know?

Oh, no. I wouldn't recognize her if I saw her.

I've been here the whole time.

Oop!

No, no. I want you to have it.

Oh!

They're like traumatized lab rats.

I think this losing thing's gonna be

- harder than we thought. - Yeah.

They're gonna need a miracle to...

That's right. It's time for PapaD's revenge.

'Cause I'm playing for y'all now.

Wha!

- For us? - All right, guys.

Six seconds left. They need one more basket.

Oh, can we give it to the pregnant lady?

I, uh, called her baby a nobody.

Do you think she can pull it off?

I can get her there.

Trust me. Oh, no, what an easy shot!

- Ooh! Ahhh! - Mmm...

Okay, why are you not shooting?

I think she's having contractions.

- Huh, uh! - Whoa!

Whoa!

Did you just hip check

a pregnant woman?

W-was running out of time,

so I had to foul her.

I would have done the same thing.

At least now she gets a penalty shot, right?

Well, come on!

- Whoo! - Hey!

Hey, Jan, you did it.

You defeated me on the battlefield of court.

Yeah, I don't care, colonel.

My friend's in labor.

You Americans think life is just about sports.

Life is life.

And I presume your substandard performance at court

was for my benefit?

Well, it certainly wasn't for Jan's.

Listen, I should have told you, I just don't like

the idea of you and the baker.

- You know? - Jealousy's natural.

But you're going to have to get used to it

if you want to carry on seeing me.

Okay...

Is that for the no-longer-pregnant woman?

Yeah. It's the least I could do.

I'm so embarrassed that I let myself

become the Rocket again.

- And for what? - Hey, if you're, uh, headed

that way, could you drop this in his office?

Yeah.

"Ugly American aggression pushes woman into labor."

So you're a, uh, baker.

Puff pastries and profiteroles.

Wow.

And, um, you are American Army man.

Yes. Yeah.

- I don't know how to... - Uh, continue talking.

Maybe you'll find you have something in common.

Okay. Um...

We-we both like strong, intelligent women. That's--

I cannot do this. It is too weird.

Yes! I told you I always win.

I even win the sensitive man contest.

- Go high! - I am impressed.

But we must do this for everyone else

- I'm having sex with. - And how many people is--

- Eleven. - Eleven?

It's going so well.