Original subtitles

Let's go.

Doc.

She has no recollection

of the last eight years.

Bring it on.

I came here to help you.

"Kitchen Nightmares ”

Are you in.

And “Going Dutch ”

Pew pew pew.

First guns I've seen on the base.

Let's go, let's go.

All available now.

You're too fat to be here.

So should we, like, move to a conference room?

I mean, I wouldn't mind more leg room. No offense.

- Just like a thing here. - You can't say that, sir.

Here in the army. He's too fat to be here in the army.

- Not too, like, fat to live. - No.

We talked about body-positive language,

remember? There's a physical fitness requirement.

- Which he can't pass! - He's working on it!

He doesn't get a trophy for trying.

What is it with your generation and trophies?

- Don't go off on this rant. - Okay.

Not going off on a rant. Stop trying to body-shame him.

I want him to be ashamed of that body in that ACU.

Sorry, sir, I don't do shame.

I left society's mind prison years ago.

Let me tell you something, mister.

Everything about you is against army regulation.

Your mustache, your hair, your attitude...

Is that even army-issued?

Jacket and pants are actually

from a XXXL GI Joe costume.

But you don't like me wearing this uniform, that's fine by me.

This cotton blend is ass. I'm pitted out by 10 a.m...

What the colonel is too angry to say is that

wearing a uniform is non-negotiable.

It's what makes you a soldier.

- Correct. - As head of IT...

- Am I really a soldier, though? - Yes.

You made a commitment to serve your country. You're a soldier.

Am I really? I mean, come on.

You're suspended from active duty.

If this is the future of combat, you know what--

General Davidson's here, sir.

What? No, no, he can't see him. I'll never hear the end of it.

We-we gotta put him in the supply closet. Let's go.

- Get up, get up! Let's go. Yeah. - What?

Wait a second. Why can't I just go in the closet voluntarily?

You're not gonna fit. It's gonna be a smoosh job. Let's go.

- Officers, come on, come on. - Well, take that. Take that.

- I'm going in the... - Come on.

Get in. All right, all right, take a breath. Take a breath.

Breathe in. Come on. Watch your foot.

- There we go. - Are ya just gonna stand there?

Come on. Help!

Corporal Papadakis, move your ass!

- Move your ass! - Here we go. Press, press.

- Here we go. Ooh. You got it? - Wait, wait, wait.

Got it. We got it.

Welcome to Stroopsdorf, sir.

I wanted to see with my own eyes just how far

you've fallen. Yikes!

You've gone from warmonger to cheese-monger.

Thank you, sir. Always nice of you to drop by.

Actually, I need your help with my upcoming NATO tank maneuvers.

Oh, really? What, uh, unit would I be commanding?

Traffic. Service bases exist to assist.

You didn't think I was gonna actually let you participate?

Let me be clear. Your career is over.

You will never command a tank again.

You have been sent out to pasture.

At least this one has tulips. Heh-heh.

He's all yours.

- How'd it go? - Great.

Gonna be crossing guards for tank maneuvers.

Traffic? That's huge!

- Yup. Huge insult. - Mm, why are you smiling?

Because we're gonna steal a tank.

Oh, God!

- Did you forget about me? - Yup.

Let's run through the plan one more time, major.

General Davidson's running tank maneuvers in rural Germany.

It's exclusively using older tanks, so the army

can see which ones need to be replaced.

Our mission, steal a decommissioned Abrams tank...

First I use the magic that is me to borrow an HET,

the only tow truck large enough to haul a tank.

Then I will drop a signal blocker.

That way, when the first tank breaks down,

I'm the only one to respond. Looking like a badass.

Copy that. On our way.

Then we haul the tank on to our HET.

This is the most difficult part of the mission,

which is why I will be taking it on myself.

And I get to mail the decommission report

to cover our tracks.

Hurray, this plan shows that you don't know

the Stroopsdorf soldiers at all.

We're not being utilized correctly.

Some of us have too much to do, and others, not nearly enough.

If you're referring to your reduced role,

that is because I suspected you lacked enthusiasm.

Permission to speak freely, sir.

What've you been doing up to now?

The mission is stupid, if you

get caught, your career is over.

So all the more reason to put us

in the right spots,

starting with me in a leadership position.

You can't complain that the mission is stupid

and then bitch about the size of your role in it.

That's like saying the meal sucks,

but the portions are too small.

Major Shah, you can't think this is a good idea.

The army's gonna throw the tank away. We need it more.

We're not a combat base without a tank.

We're not a combat base!

Not without a tank, we're not. I'm glad we agree on that.

I think we're saying the same thing.

Mm, this will be a disaster.

You can't give BA this much responsibility.

BA's gonna be fine.

You forgot to breathe during our fantasy football draft,

and you passed out. He folds under the slightest pressure.

- No, I don't. - Yes, you do.

- You're right, I do. - Not to mention...

The biggest flaw in your plan here is you.

You've never been behind the wheel

of an 18-wheeler in your life.

How would you know? I was never around. Remember?

- Good one, sir. - All right, listen.

Everybody has a lot to do.

Go do it. Dismissed.

Listen, sergeant, you gotta get me a driving instructor.

I've never driven an 18-wheeler in my life.

- I gotcha, colonel. - Okay.

Nothing I ever do is good enough for him.

Look, I'm sorry you feel left out of the mission,

but honestly, you're better off. It's already a pain in my ass.

Do you need help getting that HET?

Oh, please. That took two phone calls.

I met this Dutch weirdo named Baas

smoking hookah at a art gallery showing.

Turns out his company makes the HET.

The only problem is that in exchange,

he wants an immersive experience of American excess.

- Ah, well, his words. - Oh, that's perfect!

Running a black-market deal will prove to my dad

that he needs me on the mission.

I'm surprised you want in, I'd call you a Goody Two-Shoes,

but that would imply that those shoes look good.

They're assigned.

They're assigned to hurt my ass.

- Who'd Conway get to teach me? - Local businesswoman.

She said they were the only person in Stroopsdorf

with a big rig license.

Okay, cool.

Oh, hey. How you doing?

That's the, uh, madam from the brothel.

- Is that a problem? - We had this kind of a thing.

A moment at the tulip festival.

I'm not gonna do anything, I'm just concerned for her

'cause she was so clearly into me,

and I'm not gonna do anything.

- Good. - Colonel Quinn.

- Hey! - Without the fancy uniform...

You are less striking than I remember.

And you're more blunt than I remember.

Not blunt. Just Dutch. We believe politeness is deceit.

Check on the HET for me. You're my eyes on this, all right?

Make sure these other idiots step up to my standard

of excellence. I'm going in.

What level of excellence was that?

Ah, this truck sucks! We need another one.

When I was studying for my PhD, I took a job as a long hauler.

I'd listen to the required reading on audiobook.

Get paid to study.

Now you try again, and try not to embarrass yourself.

Eighteen gears is too many gears.

I-I-I think you are bringing your troubles into the truck.

I'm working with my daughter, everything's

a battle with her. And not the fun kind.

You thought you would learn how to drive

this truck to prove something to her.

Not trying to prove anything to her, I'm trying to prove

to my enemies that I'm still in my prime.

Like, late prime. Tail-end prime.

I don't mind acknowledging the passage of time.

At my age, I no longer have the energy to do everything.

So I preserve my energy for what I'm good at.

You can go ahead and slip it in.

- What? - Into third gear.

Oh, yeah. Okay.

Hey, major!

What are you doing here, uninvited and underdressed?

Okay, so I got a question for you, why are you throwing

an eighth-grade graduation party at Mar-A-Lago?

Baas wanted to celebrate American excess.

So I got beer pong and the room-temperature 12-layer dip

and a Hulk Hogan impersonator.

- Mm, not so great. - Okay, it's the Netherlands.

If I was in Tampa, I could throw a rock and hit a Hulk Hogan.

Okay. And how does Jan fit into this?

Oh, Baas likes improv comedy.

- Would you like a cocktail? - Yes, please.

All right, here you go. There you go. Oh, no!

- You dropped it. Oh, my God. - Oh, no!

What's wrong with you? It's okay. I have a broom. Okay.

So we show Baas a great time, he agrees to loan us the tow truck,

and then we steal ourselves a tank.

- Easy-peasy. - Nice work, captain. All right.

- I got it from here. - Whoa, no.

It's, it's... This is my thing.

I'm-I'm running it, so... But thank you.

Yeah, no, I'm your superior officer who's been ordered

by his superior officer to make sure that

things run smoothly. So I'm going to be running this.

How am I ever supposed to earn the colonel's respect

if I'm never given the chance?

Look, I've negotiated with warlords.

I think I can handle a Dutch party boy.

- Okay. Well... Yeah, yeah. - They're here? Let's go.

- Do I look okay? Okay. - No. Hi!

She's a burger, freedom fry.

Baas!

Maggie put this all together for you.

It's a pleasure to finally meet you.

And I hope that you're ready to be wined and dined.

- And 79'd. - Yes.

Or 69'd.

Maybe if it was the 1920s.

Things have advanced a little further here on the continent.

Okay, yeah, I didn't know that they invented a new sex thing

out here. I-I wasn't, uh, given the update, Baas Baby.

Can I call you Baas Baby? Not like the movie Boss Baby.

Which is a solid movie, a hilarious Halloween costume

if you have a newborn.

Mm.

- Let's dance! - Yes!

I'll get out there. I'll see ya, I'll see you guys out there.

- What have we got? - He said you have to go.

Go. You gotta go.

Okay. Yeah.

- You have picked it up quickly. - I had a great teacher.

I find your whole bluntness thing very intriguing.

I am intrigued by you as well.

Most of the soldiers in Stroopsdorf are flapdrols.

It best translates as useless turds.

But you are clearly not a flapdrol.

So what am I?

A emotionally-closed-off father

with no connection to his adult daughter.

You see a lot of bad fathers in my work.

- Oh, yeah. Sex work. - Higher education.

- But, yeah, the sex work, too. - Hm.

- You can drop me off up here. - Okay.

If you desire better communication

with your daughter, a compliment can go a long way.

Well, listen, I, uh, I'd love

to learn something else from you sometime. What's your PhD in?

Intersectional feminism in late-stage capitalism.

Oh. Fun.

Beautiful night. Wow, the stars really just--

You came out here to make sure I didn't go back inside.

- Didn't you? - Yeah.

Sorry. Baas really hates you.

Is Papadakis having a seizure?

He's doing the worm. His version. Love it.

I'm sorry I didn't fit into your party.

To be fair, I spend most of my time

as an angry boomer sounding board.

What is it like being the only person in the world

who receives my father's attention and affection?

- It's not that great. - Don't lie to me.

It's the best. His love is like a scarce resource.

So it's more valuable than everyone else's.

That's what I thought.

That used to be enough, to serve him, while I served in the army.

But lately I've been thinking I need to start trying to...

serve myself sometimes.

- Yeah. - Hey.

- Hey. - Um...

Baas wanted us to throw him a party

in order to feel comfortable enough to lend us the HET.

- Right. - So I made it happen.

- Great job. - Is that a compliment?

- Compliments can go a long way. - Mm-hmm.

And this, obviously, very successful.

I think parties is something I can be...

uh, so positive with you, you know, about...

Okay, well, I'm sure this means that

I will have more responsibility in the mission moving forward.

Ooh. Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

- That's a whole different thing. - I just secured us the HET.

By throwing a party, which I just complimented you on,

but it doesn't mean you're talented enough

for a tactical mission.

Talented enough? I'm not talented enough?

I am an officer who deserves your respect!

I don't know why, after a compliment, you're still

arguing with me, you're not doing anything

the prostitute said you were gonna do.

What am I supposed to do with that?

I don't know. Throw a party.

Ah, we gotta go. We have a tank to steal.

This HET has got a different gear shift

than the one I trained on.

Oh, well, this model is a few years older

than the one you asked for,

but we got a way better deal for it.

- And there's this. - Baas threw this in.

It's gonna look great hanging in the DFAC

as it doubles in value.

Abstract impressionism is back, baby.

- Sir. - Mm-hmm.

At least I can count on BA to do what I told him, right?

BA, what are you doing here?

Medic!

Private BA?

BA? Colonel, I think we should abort.

Disabled tank. Requesting pick-up.

Uh-huh. See? Nothing to worry about.

Mm-hmm.

- That's not an Abrams. - Good eye.

- It's a German Leopard. - It's a German tank.

Yeah. I mean, now I'm remembering.

Davidson said it was NATO maneuvers,

but I just assumed it was gonna be an American Abrams, but...

- No biggie. - Yeah. No biggie. No biggie.

No one in our entire army knows how to work this thing.

It's basically a 60-ton paperweight.

I need to find second reverse here. Hang on. Okay.

- Ah, I don't know. - Are you serious right now?

You're putting your cheaters on?

- What's wrong? - Everything is wrong.

You're stealing a tank you can't use,

in a truck that you can't drive, on a mission

you didn't need to take! Why are we even here?

We're here to prove to Davidson and everybody else

that I am still in my prime.

- You're in your prime? - My late prime. I'm...

I'm Jordan on the Wizards. That's who I am.

Jordan on the Wizards was terrible!

He bullied all the younger players

and was shooting 18-foot fadeaways.

What just happened?

Somebody stole the tank that we were gonna steal.

I know BA and the tank are out there somewhere.

This is ridiculous! We lost a-a soldier.

And a 60-ton tank doesn't just disappear.

The tank is here now, behind you.

- Oh. - How'd your mission go?

'Cause mine went, uh, pretty well.

After I left the party where my father called me

untalented, I discovered these maneuvers

utilized mostly NATO tanks.

Then I played Instagram detective

on NATO tank operators.

DM'd one that had a Dutch girlfriend

and offered a transfer to Stroopsdorf.

And then I rode all the way here,

hatched down, wind in my hair.

- Flies in my mouth. - Hm. Why?

To prove to you that I am talented enough

to be in your army.

Talented enough to steal this from right under your nose.

Yeah, but why? Why did you bring it here?

I was gonna tow it to a barn outside of town.

Don't you think it's a tad conspicuous

that we have a tank the day after tank maneuvers?

Yes, but I was so focused on completing the mission

that I didn't consider the consequences.

Which is just like every other US army mission since 2001.

Sir, General Davidson is here.

Why do you think he's here?

- Because of the... - Can't hear you.

Because of the tank that's here.

We found this shaved gerbil at HQ.

Under questioning, he admitted,

"Helping the colonel get his tank."

So you stole the tank from our maneuvers.

And now I can finally drum you out for good.

I'm the one who did it.

I'm the one who should be punished, sir.

Hold up, captain, I think punishment

might be too strong a word for,

uh, spending base resources on the painting.

- The painting? - The painting?

The one that Private BA was referencing entitled "Tank."

The captain had it commissioned to commemorate our participation

in your operation.

Why is it called "Tank"? I don't even see a tank.

You'd have to ask the artist. Local guy, very talented.

If he's local, then I should be able to ask him.

Sure.

So my work is politically neutral,

but emotionally, it's revolutionary.

I try not to challenge the mind.

Rather, whisper in your ear,

tickling down your neck with hot breath of modern world.

Jan is really good at improv. I think I see today.

Yeah, Major Shah definitely bought us some time,

but General Columbo's gonna keep asking questions.

Don't worry, though. I have a plan. So I was--

No, no. I'm thinking. I'm-I'm...

I might have...

If you wanna convince the colonel that you have the best

idea, you gotta make him think it's his.

Right. Thank you.

And thank you for saving me back there.

Whatever happened to serving yourself?

I'm really bad at it.

I can't wait to see your face when you find it.

Colonel, I was actually gonna suggest one of your plans.

Remember when we lived in Florida, we had that cat

named Joey? The supe didn't allow pets.

So whenever he came into the apartment--

Oh, I would hide him in the cabinets

behind the cereal boxes.

Oh, my God. I just forgot I was a genius.

Okay.

Mr. Jan, we're ready to play the audio and visual components

you paired with the painting.

- You can see it now, yeah? - No!

General, we've shown you everything.

It's pretty clear there's no tank on the base.

It's in the Fromagerie. There's no vat, right?

Just a big empty space to park it.

I got you. I got you!

- Would you like a tour, general? - No!

I know you stole one of my tanks!

Sir, I've gone through the database.

All of the tanks are accounted for.

My grandfather, at a certain point, just started

walking around the house, looking for the hat

that he already had on his head.

We all get put out to pasture eventually.

But this pasture has tulips.

And these tulips are saying, "Buh-bye."

Get me the hell out of here.

Mm-hmm.

How did we get around the database?

Oh, I realized a while back

we were gonna need to cover our digital tracks.

So I contacted the best hacker I know.

Whoo!

I'm getting really good at hiding in dark enclosed spaces!

You hacked the database?

I hacked the entire Baumholder system.

Then I erased this tank from existence.

Gotta say, this is pretty good work

in a tight spot. Just don't go behind my back again.

There'll be hell to pay.

But you have earned my admiration.

Thank you. I appreciate your respect.

I-I didn't say respect. I said admiration.

- You just said respect. - Well, admiration and respect...

- Are two different things. - Are they two different things?

Yeah, they're like two different levels.

It's like admiration and then respect.

But then this whole thing is a thesaurus,

and they're in the same page.

- No, no, no. - They're synonyms.

Is, uh, Katja around?

She is busy at the moment,

but I'd be more than happy to help.

I'm not actually allowed to step foot into a brothel.

This is a charity office

offering social and immigration services

to sex workers.

- Colonel Quinn? - Hey.

Call me Patrick.

I hope I didn't insult her

by assuming she was a prostitute.

She is. The insult is assuming. That would be insulting.

Let me just start over, I was looking for action out there

and I actually got it i-instead from just talking to you.

So I was wondering if you, uh, wanted to,

you know, get a cup of coffee or...

You're a strange one, Patrick.

A man of war, asking me out on a date

like a nervous schoolboy.

I like you. I-I basically hate everybody.

- Hold on, I'll get my coat. - Great.

Keep up the good fight, girls.

Who do you think we're fighting?

I'll wait outside.

It's going so well.