Original subtitles

Where are we at with the press release?

Headline, "Colonel Patrick Quinn to take emergency command

of USAG Bomb Holder."

Then the bio, "A native of Massachusetts,

the colonel has had command and staff positions

in five divisions, including special forces,

throughout his decorated 30-year career."

Mention the Rangers. People get hard

when I name drop the Rangers.

- Give America erection. - Mm-hm.

"Awarded the Distinguished Service Cross for combat heroism

a Purple Heart, and a Silver Star."

Then we mention your tours in Iraq and Afghanistan,

and finish with father to Maeve and Margaret.

No, no, no. Drop the family stuff. That's too soft.

I'm a man of action. That's why they want

the big dog close to the border,

in case things pop off with the Russkies.

Again, sir, gotta hide your glee for World War III.

It's coming, baby. It's coming.

Congratulations, colonel.

I see you're wearing your dress blues.

Thank you, General Davidson. When I imagined this day

in my head, I pictured myself in my dress blues,

but I didn't imagine you being here.

I wanted to be here. I know this is something

you've waited on for a long time.

How are your girls?

I heard that you are a grandpa now.

- No, I don't have a grandkid. - I could have sworn.

- I don't... Oh, the baby, yes. - The baby?

So there is a grandkid, but he's not like a real

human being yet, he's more like, just like a blob.

- His name's Owen. - I don't love that.

Everyone's great, sir.

And what about your other daughter?

The one I met at West Point?

I'm sure she's fine.

General, why are you here specifically?

I'm the new commanding officer of Baumholder.

No, no. I'm supposed to be

the new commanding officer of Baumholder.

They told me to report here for an emergency command position.

Correct. You are reporting here

and taking emergency command of the USAG Stroopsdorf.

Ninety minutes away in the Netherlands.

Uh, is that even a combat base?

No, service base. One of our smallest.

I apologize if our original message was a little misleading.

It was supposed to be very misleading.

You remember our training exercise

a few months ago at Fort Irwin?

- We had body cams on everybody. - Yeah.

- Colonel Quinn. - Yeah.

You were in Task Force Dagger, right?

General Davidson said the action was really heavy.

Davidson wouldn't know if there was any action.

Davidson's a giant.

He's never seen any action. Him and

is like being a

them and the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

That's first ballot Hall of Fame.

I-I apologize for that, general.

No need. The brass wanted you buried

and I volunteered to dig the hole.

- Why the Netherlands, sir? - To drive you insane.

The sign makes it seem like

the army base is inside the bowling alley.

Like one of those Starbucks that's inside of a supermarket.

Hm.

Still waiting for my first salute.

Hold on.

Did he just...

Wave to you like Forrest Gump on a shrimping boat?

- He did. - Where are the guns? It's weird.

The base, it feels naked.

You know what we'll do? Get up to that tower.

Some high ground so we can see what we're working...

Uh-uh-uh. I wouldn't. Possums don't like it

when you go in their tower.

- Sir. - Soldier, you need a haircut.

You look like they found Jesus dead in a river.

- That's funny. - Oh, boy. No, no...

- No, no, no, no, no, no! - You! What the...!

- No, no, no, no! - There's a fat hippie on a bike.

You're wrinkling your dress blue, sir.

- Okay. Yes. - Yeah. Yeah.

You know what I'm gonna do? Work miracles.

That's how I stay in the race. That's how I get

promoted back to Baumholder.

Ah, no. That's, that's a little too far, sir.

The race is done. Right now, you're in the

horse tent, where they put you down in private.

No one's ever come back from something like this.

No, no, no. I just need to stay shiny

and turn this dump into a, a combat base

full of born-again badasses with no bikes.

- Get rid of the bikes... - He's back. He's back.

- The hippie is back. - All right. Ride away!

- Ride away! Sir. - I got...

- I-I have to not look at him. - Hey, hey. Look over there.

That building looks important.

- Welcome to the fromagerie, sir. - I'm confused.

Cheese is what Stroopsdorf's known for.

Cheese, laundry, and bowling.

We're in the horse tent. All right. We need to recon

every inch of this base immediately.

Of course, sir.

- Cheese. - Hm.

Laundry.

Bowling. Stroopsdorf offers all three services

to bases in Germany and Belgium.

No tether-ball? No Apple store?

Sir, why would we need an Apple store...

when we have a teen center?

Ugh!

Where are the teens?

Oh, there are actually no kids on the base.

But in last year's budget, there was money for a teen center.

So now we have a teen center.

Worst tour ever.

Sergeant, thank you. Dismissed.

I'm being stalked by giant bowling signs.

This place is a boys' and girls' club for middle-aged

Dutch civilians, including a small-time gigolo

playing the video game.

Hey, back to work. Move away from the machine

before I feed you into it like a quarter.

I am still on early lunch break. I brought soup from home.

Would you like some? We could share a spoon. Wow.

- I really like your medals. - I despise your mesh hoodie.

Then you're going to hate the fact that this is

actually a onesie. All right. Bye-bye.

- Not worth it. - Okay.

This guy I can order around. Private.

Take me to the base commander.

Yes, sir. Actually, no, sir. Sorry, sir.

Okay, the commander's been running the base

remotely for the last six months, sir.

Take me to whoever's in-charge of the ground.

Follow me, sir.

I like this private.

- He just ran into a door. - But at least he ran.

Today, the commander-in-chief's annual awards

for installation excellence were announced.

As interim commander, I am proud to say

that in the category of European support base

parenthetical small, we are this year's winners.

As a reward...

we have purchased state-of-the-art equipment

to improve our cardiovascular health

and emotional well-being.

It's time...

to silent disco.

- Yes! - Whoo!

Normally, a colonel walks onto an army base

and butt holes clench.

But their stink vents are flapping around

all loosey-goosey.

What the hell?

Talk about loose. I don't even understand what I'm looking at.

Well, what I don't understand is why would Davidson send you

to a Dutch Club Med and not Alaska to freeze your nuts off?

Good point, because he's the psyops king.

He'd think he'd wanna send me someplace

where I confront my biggest fear.

Which is failure. And I've never failed at anything except...

Uh...

Colonel Quinn, sir, this is Captain Quinn, sir.

Oh, my God. You guys have the same last name.

That is so crazy.

Not crazy.

That is my father. Sir.

Stop. Stop dancing.

I'm sure you have some feelings about me

being stationed here.

- I would rather you not be here. - I don't wanna be here.

- Oh, you don't? Oh! - No. Are you kidding?

It's like the last place I wanna be.

Well, I thought you wanted to be here.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, no, no, no, no.

- Oh, great. And why, why... - Yeah. Yeah.

General Davidson sent me here as a punishment.

Okay, well, how is Stroopsdorf a punishment?

Stroopsdorf is not the punishment.

Being here with you is.

I'm just remembering this feeling

in my body so I can report it to my therapist later.

The feeling is red, and it's shaped like a dagger.

- Sir. - You don't have to call me sir.

Let's just have a normal father-daughter... interaction.

I'm really glad you're still doing

the thing where you talk to the...

- Therapy. - Yes. It's great.

Well, then why did you say no when I asked...

Oh, my god. You're still on this.

- Two years ago. - I don't think it was

- two years ago. - It was exactly two years ago.

That's when I cut off contact with you.

Hm.

And you did not even notice?

Okay, I was busy saving America.

You should retire. You're already a legend.

We studied your missions at West Point.

And yet, you're still uniquely unqualified

to command a service base due to the fact

that you're a raging narcissist.

That is a terrible thing to say to your father.

Number one, number two.

Specifically, which missions of mine

are they teaching at West Point?

Anybody would ask that.

- Excuse me. - Hm-mm.

What does XO stand for?

I'm Commander of Hugs and Kisses.

- Oh, nice. - It means executive officer.

What does a executive officer do?

I anticipate every problem, solve it efficiently...

then I leave without taking credit.

We provide services to combat bases.

- I can do this too. - What are you talking about?

This is a service base. It doesn't just become

a combat base because you took a job out of spite.

I do everything out of spite.

My body is 60% water and 40% spite.

Sorry to interrupt this very touching reunion.

Just a reminder that you're both officers

in a glass cube that everyone can see.

We were trying to leave the military out of it.

No, no, no. You need to bring the military back in

and you need to hold on to it for dear life. Just...

Yeah, yeah. Captain, you have concerns

about the colonel commanding Stroopsdorf?

Yes, sir. I have an operation in motion

that I have spent ten months planning.

Failure will destabilize relations in the region

and the colonel's very presence could sabotage it.

Copy that, captain. Please, brief us on the operation.

Uh, a bunch of us are marching

in the Tulip, Tulip Festival tomorrow.

- What? - I didn't quite hear that.

A bunch of us are marching in the Tulip Festival tomorrow.

God! I-I-I feel like I'm with Eisenhower on eve of D-Day.

It is our first ever invitation to the festival

and it's actually crucial to our diplomatic mission.

I led Operation Iron Hammer, Iron Saber, and Iron, um...

- Justice. - Justice. So I think...

I can handle Operation Tulip Festival.

Well, I think that you will

break this place trying to fix it.

And there's actually nothing wrong with Stroopsdorf.

Really? Can you show me one thing

that's right about this...

- Place. Good. - Place?

Welcome to my pride and joy.

The best dining facility in the U.S. military.

Because great food increases

productivity and job satisfaction

which is why we have the highest morale

of any base in the U.S. Army.

Food was smacking today, Captain Maggie.

Don't leave him hanging, Captain Maggie.

Okay.

Uh! Phew! Phew! Phew!

First guns I've seen on the base.

I do believe you have the softest troops

in the history of the U.S. Army.

That's a gross mischaracterization.

- Major? - Hand.

Sorry. That tickles.

Smooth as a baby's bottom.

Lavender?

We pick it in the afternoon, sir.

Right before nap time.

Moving on.

Mmm.

- Mmm! - Mm-hm.

How's the chow?

- I've had better. - I haven't.

Each bite is a Proustian odyssey

propelling me through space and time.

You're welcome. Stroopsdorf is

the best service base in Europe, parenthetical small.

We are great at what we do.

We maybe a different kind of soldier than you,

but we're still soldiers.

We shall see about that.

- Right, major? - Can I finish?

Oh, we're gonna finish. Yeah, yeah.

Mm-hm. Get some of that sauce. Let me get that sauce.

- Oh, cleaning your plate. - All right.

- Mm-hm. - Mm-hm.

Company, attention!

I am your new commanding officer, Colonel Patrick Quinn.

First order of business,

no more giant bowling signs.

It's idiotic! Number two,

everyone in the courtyard for PT, now!

That's the sound of 100 butt holes puckering.

Keep those knees high! High!

Higher than you heathens get on a 48-hour leave to Amsterdam.

We're going back to basics. Basic training.

After this, you will crawl under barbed wire

to the sound of gunfire from a Bluetooth speaker,

because none of you can remember where you put the actual guns.

- Oh! - Uh! Ah!

Way to you go, Papadakis. Good try.

What is this, T-ball? We're not moving on until

Papadakis does this right.

I don't care if it takes all night.

- Oh, wow! - Sorry, everybody.

- It's my gout. - Did he just say gout?

It's a disease where uric acid builds up.

It's a disease for gluttonous 16th century European nobles,

not active duty US military.

I admit to having a weakness

for rich foods and goose flesh, much like the kings of old.

- I'm gonna kill him. - No, it's not...

It's not Papadakis's fault.

I have let go of the leash a bit.

That is because my focus has been in other areas.

Quality control. Customer satisfaction.

What is this, a Panera?

Mm-mm. Oh, come on.

That's the best grilled cheese I've ever had.

That is because my supply sergeant

sources all of the best ingredients.

Where does your supply sergeant get all these fine ingredients?

I don't ask, and she doesn't tell me.

Oh, don't ask, don't tell. You know, I was in the army

the first time they tried that. Didn't work then, either.

I love a good supply sergeant.

Somebody who can get anything for anyone from anywhere.

Sometimes it does attract the unscrupulous type

who wants to just bleed the US Army dry.

Colonel, are you accusing Sergeant Conway

of misappropriation without evidence?

No.

Oh, that's just a supply closet.

There's a key around here somewhere.

Yeah, it's okay. I have one.

Yeah.

Well, don't ask, don't tell, huh? It never works,

but if you have to live in a closet, this would be the one.

I've hung my coat there like a million times.

All right, Colonel. How do you wanna play this?

Pour me a glass of that Gamay.

- Any of this legal? - Legal-ish.

Military spending is a running faucet.

- I just dip a thimble. - Hmm.

Colonel, you just knocked down a door into the Goonies'

treasure cave. Why are you not upset?

Because this is no longer an investigation.

It is now a job interview.

And sergeant, I want you to be part of my

personal staff, Team Shiny.

- Sure. - Could you give us a second?

Thank you.

Ah, ah. You don't get Gamay.

- But I like Gamay. - No, no, no.

You don't get Gamay.

Not if you turn an entire US Army base

into Captain Maggie's Montessori School.

But don't worry. I'm in charge now,

and the party... is over.

This Tulip festival is over 500 years old.

And started within these medieval walls.

I made you these cards just to give you context

for everything that's gonna happen and you can...

Done a million parades, number one.

Number two, I'm electric off the cuff.

So if you wanna worry about something, worry about

your soldiers tripping over their own sacks.

Or, or, lady sacks. Don't wanna be accused of being sexist.

Well, it was sexist, so...

The Colonel wanted me to tell you that he appreciates

all the work you put into this festival.

- No, he didn't. - No, he didn't.

- That usually works. - Positive feedback...

would require emotions, empathy.

He didn't even cry at his own mother's funeral.

I would do anything to see him cry.

Operation Iron Tear.

Am I right? Operation Iron Tear.

- Yeah, I know, I got it. Yeah. - Okay.

Hello, I'm Katja Vanderhoff,

head of troops of Chamber of Commerce.

Nice to meet you. I'm Colonel Patrick Quinn.

Hope you guys take it easy on me today.

I'm a Tulip Festival virgin.

Well, I hope you last longer than most virgins.

So what is your business?

Maybe I'll stop by and say hi sometime.

I own the local brothel.

You know, maybe I'll just see you out in the street or...

Not-not street corner, because obviously you're a high class...

owner of a business. Hm.

I'll give the speech.

- What are you doing here? - Hi, so I'm Jan.

And I'm the translator.

Doesn't everybody speak English?

Sure, but I also translate social cues.

For example, you really like her,

but you're trying to hide it.

Why?

Get away from me.

Good luck.

Good afternoon, I am Colonel Patrick Quinn,

commander of USAG Stroopsdorf.

We are proud to represent our home country of America,

and proud to be included as members of this community.

Electric off the cuff.

Up first are some of our soldiers,

approaching with wheels of cheese.

Ooh!

That's what we do.

Stroopsdorf is one of the things we make cheese.

And now, uh, the laundry project

from Stroopsdorf.

- What're they doing? Oh. - It's in the note cards.

They are performing a...

interpretive dance

about laundry.

Circ the laundry.

That is just a long time for them to...

You know, I used to lead soldiers

into battle to fight our enemies.

Now I lead them into a fight stains.

Oh, they are doing so good.

He's gonna explode.

Giant bowling sign. Okay, everybody down!

What was the first thing I said on the first day?

First order I gave.

No giant...

Would you stop?

- No, colonel! Dad! - Stop!

What happened to your gout, Papadakis?

Big time players make big time plays in big time games.

You're a big time disgrace.

What? Hey!

- Yeah? - Being very American.

It's better than being from a country that legalized drugs

and ratted out Anne Frank.

Really...

The crowd did not really like that joke.

They found it super offensive.

- Oh, really? - Yes.

Thank you for reporting that to me.

All right. Well, let's clean that up.

Get out of the way.

Get out of the way.

Hey.

Conway told me where you like to go in town.

And, uh, I wanted to apologize.

Okay. Go ahead. Apologize.

I just did.

So, I'm putting together

a thing I like to call Team Shiny.

Which is like the best of the best at Stroopsdorf.

Which is a little bit like trying to make

a basketball team of the world's tallest midgets.

- You can't say that. - All right, little people.

- No. - I don't think there's

another word that I could say.

No, no. I'm not joining.

And you know what? I'm not at work,

so you're actually not my commander.

You're just my dad, and I don't really talk to my dad.

You're serious?

After I came down here and tried to be nice...

- Come on. - Hmm.

I can say midget whenever I want.

I fought in Iraq, so...

Midget, midget, midget.

- Yes? - You were right.

Can't say the M word. I Googled it,

and apparently the little bastards really hate it.

- I'm hanging up. - No, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Don't hang up. I-I wanted to ask you something.

If you hate me so much, why did you follow in my footsteps?

Like, what's the point in everything?

I wanna keep being of service.

I wanna run for public office,

Congresswoman, senator.

And if things break right...

um, President.

You wanna be President?

If things break right, I said.

So you're a stone-cold psycho. You're-you're...

much more like me than you even think.

This is why I don't tell people.

- That you wanna be President? - That you're my dad.

Okay.

When I screwed up at the parade,

I saw that look on your face.

And it was the same one you gave me

whenever I came back later

than I promised you I would.

Which was, let's face it, most of the time.

You would look up at me with those...

big eyes...

as if to say...

"I know you don't wanna be here, you coward."

Hello?

Colonel.

- Dad. - Oh!

- Dad. - Ugh!

It's happening. Operation Iron Tear.

It's happening.

Move!

Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh! Tear! Tear! Tear!

No, no, it's just my eyes were watering.

- I have allergies. - Ah-huh.

It's the tulips. They're freaking everywhere.

Thanks for... finally calling.

Uh, it doesn't make sense for us to

just be a combat base or just be a service base.

We really have to be both, so that means...

we're gonna have to work together.

Looks good on the resume.

I'd only do it to win Ohio.

- Of course. - Okay, deal.

- Okay. - I'm gonna go

get some Kleenex so that we can wipe the tears

that were just rolling down your face.

- Don't need them. - You guys got tissues

for men crying?

- Ah, first strike of the day. - Yeah, boy!

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. No, that's my bad.

I take things too far.

Where did you find the guns?

Underneath the Halloween decorations.

- Oh. - Can I?

No. No, no, no. No. You're done.

It's going so well.