Original subtitles

- Is there anyone there?

- No, it's only me.

Is that you Mr. Roper?

- Yes it is.

Where are you?

- Here I am.

- Oh,

do come out wherever you are.

- Oh, all right then where are you?

- I haven't the least idea.

Oh dear, I'd better try and find you.

Oh, dear,

where has she gone to?

Are you behind me?

Mrs. Burke!

Good morning.

- Good morning Mr. Roper.

It's this prescription from Dr. Page,

for my hubby's cough.

Will it take long?

- Well, the mixing will only take a flash.

But getting to and from my dispensary,

is rather perilous.

We better say half an hour.

- All right, I'll call back later then.

- Oh, Mrs. Burke,

wasn't there something else?

Toothpaste perhaps?

- Oh yes.

Yes.

I'll take a tube of glow.

- Mrs. Burke,

haven't you heard of our new product,

Dreem?

The toothpaste with a built in beem.

- No, I'll take the glow.

Hubby likes the flavour.

I've seen that Dreem on the telly,

but I don't fancy it.

- I hope your husband's cough improves, Mrs.

Burke.

- Oh, thanks very much, yes.

- Glow,

we'll knock that for six with our new display.

Am I right gentlemen?

You are right sir.

- Good morning. Good morning.

Duff's the name,

of Proudfoot's Perfect Products.

And how's our Dreem going?

- Does it look as if it's going?

Here am I surrounded, stifled and suffocated by it.

Oh no!

Not the giant economy size.

- Where would you like me to put it?

- By the jolly good mind to tell you.

- Thank you, gentlemen.

Now, where should we place it?

To the best advantage.

- Oh no, you don't!

Take it out of my shop,

there's no room for it here.

- But you must have it.

It sets off the whole display.

- No!

- Yes!

- Oh.

Really, how dare you.

- Right men.

Charge!

- Oh no.

You'll do me an injury.

Right, you asked for it.

- Mr. Duff, sir!

Speak to us.

- This gentleman,

is nothing to what Colonel Proudfoot will cause.

- And as for you gentlemen,

you are not only inefficient and prehistoric,

you are redundant.

I'm foolish ever to have trusted you with this assignment.

I'm an imbecile.

Yes, what is it?

About your call,

to the Royal palace of Navarious.

- Oh, very well.

His majesty is on the throne.

- Oh.

Now, where was I?

- You were an imbecile, sir.

- I think you're being a little unfair on us, J.J.

I mean Colonel Proudfoot.

After all, advertising is a subtle science.

Takes time.

- With all due respect sir,

I think Duff has had plenty of time and money.

Six months preparation.

- 100,000 pounds this advertising scheme cost.

And when Dreem first hit the shops,

what were the figures?

- We sold 134 tubes, sir.

- And who were our biggest competitors?

- Well, Suddum brothers as usual.

- Suddum indeed.

And what were the figures?

- Well we're up on the sales,

of liquid detergents and washing powders,

but the sales of glow were up.

- Were up! Were up!

And their toothpaste figures were up,

and we were going to brush it right off the market.

Toothpaste, brushing off the market.

Off the market it was going to go,

wasn't it, Duff?

- It's the flavour, J.J.

People like the taste of glow.

- That's my department.

I can assure you that the formula of Dreem,

Contains 5% more sugar,

and 7% more spearmint flavour than glow.

- Any more ideas,

Duff?

- I think glow's advertising is better than ours sir.

- Oh yes.

If you've got to glow, you got to glow.

Oh, say have I,

I put my foot in it.

- Oh, on the contrary Fuller,

you've put your finger right on it.

If we don't save the situation immediately,

we shall have to abandon Dreem,

and I shall have to abandon you,

in favour of a new advertising executive.

- But J.J., Colonel.

- Miss Figg,

kindly prepare Mr. Duff's cards, will you?

- Then you don't want to hear my other ideas, sir?

- Hold it a moment longer Miss Figg.

Other idea Duff?

- Yes sir.

It's a gem sir.

- It had better be a plum, Duff.

- No, it is I assure you sir.

I was just thinking along the lines of,

what toothpaste do you use sir?

- Me, well, I,

matter of fact, I don't use toothpaste at all.

I brush my teeth with salt.

- Salt J.J.

May want to ask why?

With a toothpaste like Dreem available?

- As a matter of fact,

my fellow in Harley street advises it.

I've got soft gums, you know.

- That's it.

That's our new campaign.

- What do you suggest as a slogan?

Don't forget the soft gums, ma'am?

- Are you still there Miss Figg?

- Ooh, but Colonel,

don't you see,

your faith in your own dentist,

overrides even the fact,

that you manufacture the world's best toothpaste.

As a word from him,

you use salt.

Everyone has faith in dentists.

The public has faith in dentists.

But no toothpaste has ever been endorsed by one.

- Are you suggesting,

that you could find a dentist,

who would personally endorse Dreem?

- Not just a dentist.

The top dentist.

We'll get the most famous dental name in the country,

to personally endorse it.

- As you were Miss Figg.

Stand easy, a moment.

That's not at all a bad idea.

Yes. I like that Duff.

Men who devoted their whole lives,

to the cause of dentistry,

are suddenly giving it all up,

in favour of Dreem.

Oh, you're a sly fox Duff.

- One small point Duff.

Do you realise that any medical man,

who lends his name to the advertising industry,

would immediately be struck off the register?

- Oh, he's already thought of that.

Haven't you Duff?

- No.

Yes.

- Well of course.

And I am willing to throw in my two peanuts on this.

It so happens that I have a cousin,

who may be able to give us some very useful introductions.

He is, if I remember rightly,

the Dean of King Alfred's College of Dental Surgery.

Now he ought to have a couple of bright graduates,

who he could persuade,

to give up dentistry.

- I had never thought,

that I would ask two qualified dentists,

to give up their careers,

but that is what I am asking you now.

In the name of suffering humanity,

why not give up dentistry?

- Give it up, sir?

But, we only just got our degrees.

- Only just, is right.

- You can't ask us to waste five years of our lives sir.

- I was under the impression you already had.

You two gentlemen,

share the distinction,

of having obtained the lowest marks ever recorded,

in the whole history of King Alfred's College,

with almost identical answers.

Can you account for that?

- Identical questions?

- For you Dexter, there is one glimmer of hope.

- Oh really, sir?

- You at least have a bent for pharmacy.

- He has a bent what sir?

- Pharmacy.

- As for you Cookson,

is this the grandson of the great George De Vere Cookson?

The man who is to dentistry,

what Curie, Lister, Pasteur,

and Asprin were to medicine.

A Cookson, cheating.

- Cheating?

- Yes.

Have you no appreciation of ethics?

- No, sir.

I was born in Thuthox.

- Have you been drinking Cookson?

- Yes.

Well, we all have.

All the boys sir, you know,

rinsing their mouths out with champagne.

It is our last day here sir.

- I can't believe it.

- Yes.

And we did pass, didn't we sir?

- And that's why,

we're setting up a joint practise sir.

- What?

Where?

- East Feebham sir.

- East where?

- Feebham, sir.

Feebham.

- Is there a large population?

- No, I think it was once sir,

it's just fallen off recently.

- I expected news,

it has already filtered through.

Nothing I can say.

- Well, yes sir.

You could wish us luck.

- I'll reserve that for your patients.

Goodbye Dexter.

- Goodbye, sir.

- Goodbye Cookson.

- Sir.

- Try and remember the family name.

And don't be in a hurry to pull out your first tooth.

It may be happy where it is.

- Sir.

- And Cookson.

- Sir.

- Remember, one tooth at a time.

- Oh, I'm sorry sir.

I'm a union man.

One out, the lot out.

- East Feebham.

Ah,

area of fallout.

Yeah?

Mr. Duff, Mr. Fuller and Mr. Bull,

from Proudfoot Industries sir.

- Send them in.

- Good day sir, good day sir.

Duff's the name,

advertising manager,

for Proudfoot Industries.

- How do you do Mr. Duff?

- And this is Mr. Fuller.

- Mr. Fuller.

- And this is Bull.

- Is it?

Oh, Mr. Bull.

Well, do be seated gentlemen.

Now, what can I do for you?

- I take it Dean,

you received your cousin's letter?

- Oh, that businessman.

Yes, yes.

Although I am at a loss to know how I can possibly help you.

- We advertising men may seem a strange bunch to you, sir,

but we do have a social conscience.

We want you to help us bring the public's attention,

to a new advance in dental hygiene.

- Another toothpaste, I take it.

- Exactly.

- Impossible.

If any dentist associated himself with such a venture,

he'd lose his professional status.

- With,

adequate,

compensation, of course.

- Yes sir,

how could I possibly recommend,

that any dentist could give up his practise?

How much compensation?

- 3000 pounds a year.

- Would you consider taking,

two, 1500 and a nob?

A head?

- Well, yes, if they're,

fully qualified.

- Fully qualified.

One I have in mind,

is none other than the grandson,

of George De Vere Cookson.

- The man who invented dental Twilight anaesthetics.

- And his partner,

Brian Dexter,

brilliant young pharmacist to boot.

- And they'd agree,

to endorse our product?

And give up their practise?

Approached properly,

I think they might.

You know where you came from.

- Why, yes.

Proudfoot Industries Incorporated.

- Not this morning.

This morning, you came from heaven.

I beg your pardon sir.

- No, not you Ms. Brooks,

and ask Mr. Cookson and Mr. Dexter,

to return to this office immediately please.

- Well, here we are.

The Proudfoot factory.

What an assembly line.

Oh, we've got to land this job boy.

Lots of lovely lolly,

and we can take care of the girls.

- Yeah, it's 1500 a year.

- Do you think will last a year?

- Eight?

- Oh, pounds.

- Come on David, we'll be late.

- Good morning girls.

I may be picking an assistant out of you lot.

You dear, do you fancy a bit of promotion?

- Sorry love, I'm not on nights.

- You're new here, aren't you?

- Don't worry love,

I'll soon be familiar.

- You certainly know how to get around girls.

- The rounder the better.

- You'll keep us late you know,

talking here all day.

- Yeah, do you want to get us into trouble?

- You better answer that one.

- Oh, come on, let's go.

- Don't be silly.

Don't be shy.

Say hello to the harem.

- You know girls don't go for me.

Oh, say hello, for heaven's sake.

You're not repulsive.

- Hello girls.

You know, come to think of it,

maybe you are repulsive.

I told you girls don't go for me.

Well that won't certainly work for you.

- Well, come on girls.

Come on. Jump to it.

0858 hours

about time you were manning the machines.

- Who does he think he is?

- With that car, he must be the foreman.

- Sergeant, get these village lay abouts out of the way,

will you?

- Who are you calling lay abouts,

you silly old berk?

- Yeah!

- Go and get filled in.

- That's right.

- Come along now.

Move along there.

- Hold on,

wait a minute.

We've got an appointment with Colonel Proudfoot.

- At nine O'clock.

- Well, half a minute to.

You better step on.

He's a stickler for time.

Office block on the right.

We'll find it.

- Oh, Mr. Cookson and Mr. Dexter.

- Good morning.

- We have an appointment with Colonel Proudfoot.

- Oh yes.

He's on his way around the factory.

He should be here in a moment.

- Just take two minutes off their tea break.

- Colonel Proudfoot,

here are Mr. Cookson and Mr. Dexter.

- Mr. Cookson and Mr. Dexter.

- The two dentists.

- Oh, the two dentists.

Come inside.

Please be seated gentlemen.

Mr. Cookson and Dexter,

you are not as yet acquainted,

with the Proudfoot tradition.

Yes, the Proudfoot tradition.

Cleanliness is our motto,

and has been ever since the beginning.

- In fact, throughout history.

Wherever you find filth,

you will always find a Proudfoot.

- Exactly.

Now, gentlemen,

you are to have the honour of embarking,

on yet another tradition.

- You mean we've got the job sir?

- You have got the job.

- It is not true.

- Young man, I'm not accustomed to being contradicted.

Sign there please.

You may even get a bonus if things go well.

- A bonus.

You hear that Brian?

- We haven't even started yet.

- Thank you.

Mr. Duff here,

will see that you have everything you need,

in connection with your duties.

- As a matter of fact,

we could use a good dental mechanic sir.

- Not necessary at all!

After all sir, it would only mean additional expense.

- Macreedy,

a Proudfoot Scheme, is never skimped.

These gentlemen should have whatever they require.

Do you know a good mechanic?

- Well, not off hand sir.

- Yes, Sam Field.

- Sam Field.

- Oh, a college associate of ours.

I hardly think he'd be suitable really.

- A letter from him this morning.

- Oh, and a photograph.

And what's this, his telephone number?

Yes.

No.

No, those are the results of the final exam, sir.

You know, marks out of 10.

- He did pretty well.

Where is he?

- He's inside.

- Another institution.

- Oh, yes, what's he doing?

- Six months.

- Six months ago,

he was the head mechanic there.

So, but now he's leaving,

because of lack of prospects.

- Lack of prospects.

Oh, well we better find him.

Meanwhile, gentlemen,

to work.

Mr. Duff here, will show you the drill.

Eh, dentists,

show you the drill.

- Wasn't that funny.

- At 1500 a year,

I'm very easily amused.

- And what do you want to bring Sam into it for?

- Let's give him a chance, shall we?

- He'd probably be glad enough,

to leave his present position.

I wonder what he's doing now.

- Morning Mr. Thompson,

nice day?

- Good morning Governor.

- Oh, will you tell me when you're bringing,

8-99-88 Field along to me.

- He's already here sir,

waiting in your office.

- Oh, good.

What?

You've left him in in my office?

Alone?

Ah, there you are Field.

- I'm sorry sir.

I always wanted to try my hand at fly,

fly fishing.

- So I see.

You can tackle,

bookcase, desk,

and well,

table, chair, telephone.

Wait, they're all still here.

Amazing.

Wait a minute.

My coat.

- Governor, please.

I've given up that sort of thing for good.

- That's your story Field.

Thank goodness.

Now.

Hello,

yes'

Cookson?

You are a friend of Sam Field?

That's strange,

I don't know you.

Any friend of his,

usually makes my acquaintance,

sooner or later.

Yes, as a matter of fact,

I was just having a few words with Mr. Field,

before he leaves us,

for the time being that is.

Yes, of course I'll tell him.

It's very kind of you to offer him a job.

Kind,

but foolhardy.

Yes of course, Mr. Cookson.

Goodbye.

You gathered who that was?

- Yes Governor, yes.

If it's David Cookson sir,

we last met at the King Alfred Dental School.

- Ah, yes,

when you were working your way through college.

- That's right sir.

- Pocket by pocket, no doubt.

Well, this Mr. Cookson,

appears to have a job of work for you.

He is offering you a post as a dental mechanic,

at Proudfoot Industries.

But I warn you Field,

go straight,

or stay out for a little while, at least.

We'd like to redecorate your cell.

- Well, that's very kind of you sir.

I shouldn't bother really.

This time sir,

I'm staying out for good.

- Yes.

Yes, of course you are.

You'll like the new pastel shades.

Stay out till the paints dry.

And next time,

come straight back here,

no calling in at Holloway like the last time.

You know Field,

I never understood,

how you managed to get into a woman's prison.

- I lied about my age sir.

- Oh.

- Goodbye Governor.

- Goodbye Field.

Or should we make it, au revoir?

- Well,

goodbye Mr. Thompson.

- Goodbye, 8-99-88.

- Oh please,

I'm released now.

Mr. Field is the name.

Would you do me a favour, Mr. Thompson?

- What is it Mr. Field?

- Give old baldy his knob back.

- Main entrance to the office block.

Just around the corner, to the right sir.

- And this gentlemen,

is our canning and packaging department.

All our soaps, detergents, toothpaste,

cooking fats, car greases,

shampoos, and quick mix cakes,

and custards,

are all packaged and canned under this roof.

- What a nauseating mixture.

- Now over here,

we have the beginning of the story,

of a Proudfoot package.

- Does it have a happy ending?

- Ada,

you've missed out a tin of Frim and a packet of Scrubba.

- I'm sorry.

- Excuse me, Mr. Duff.

I think the young lady made a mistake.

She's put the same stuff,

in two different packets.

- I think you'll find,

we know what we're doing.

You'll see that our methods here,

are the most up to date available.

- Ah, yes, this is progress indeed.

Tell me, darling,

are you happy in your work?

- I say we are deary.

I used to have to go up there,

and fetch all these packets back here,

and by hand,

but last week Mr. Proudfoot gave us a conveyor belt.

- Lucky thing.

- What did she say?

- She said last week Mr. Proudfoot,

gave them all an endless belt.

- And now in here, we have the complaints department.

Here we employ,

20 men,

and 20 girls.

- All in production?

- Well, we've only got Ms. Golightly away at the moment.

Here me deal with the problems that occasionally arise.

For instance,

why is it that this pink dye,

added to one of our detergent powders,

will give a gayer pinker wash?

Whereas the same thing,

added to our toothpaste,

results in black gums?

An interesting question.

- A mortifying one.

- And here is water,

taken from a ladies bathing loo.

- Leaving her high and dry I suppose.

- The lady was not in the bath at the time.

- Go on. It's beginning to sound intriguing.

- Excuse me sir,

you're wanted on the phone.

- For one moment please.

- Brian, let's take a look around this place,

without the official guidebook.

This must be where they film their commercials.

All right, let's try rehearsal.

Okay, rehearsal bell!

- Hey look,

do you think it's the house wife,

who had her bath water pinched?

Because if it is, they didn't take enough.

Quiet!

What are you two doing here?

- Oh, don't mind us.

We're just,

we're here to inspect the plumbing.

- I think we better go.

- No, I wanna stay here,

it's fascinating watching her slowly coming to the boil.

- Will you be quiet?

All right darling,

action.

- When I'm relaxing in my bath,

do you know the very first thing I think of?

- I thought of it before she did.

- Proudfoot's Pink Pierre.

- Now just a minute darling.

Let's start again.

Now this time,

will you please hold the soap up,

so that everybody can see it?

- When I'm relaxing in my bath,

do you know the very first thing I think of?

Proudfoot's Pink Pierre.

A cool cake of comfort.

- I'll get it.

- No.

- Allow me.

- Who are you?

- I don't remember.

- What the devil do you think you're doing?

- I was just trying to help.

- Would you mind getting off the floor?

Go on, off, off, off.

Here darling, take this.

Alright.

Let's try a take,

but make it a red light.

- What a beautiful girl.

- What do you think you're playing at?

- Lady Chatterly's Loofah.

- Come on.

- I don't know, I wanna stay.

- All right, darling,

action!

- When I'm relaxing in my bath,

do you know the very first thing I think of?

Proudfoot's Pink Pierre.

A cool cake of comfort.

Wouldn't you like to be in this bath right now?

I always take a bath with,

Pink,

Pierre.

- Oh, lucky Pierre.

- Shut that damn thing off!

And get those idiots out of here!

- What are you two doing here?

You ought to be working.

- Oh we are.

Yes, we're collecting samples for analysis.

Oh look, espresso.

- I'm sorry. This is harmless scum.

- Talking about scum,

there's a person here to see you.

He was shown into my office,

but I had him put it in the hall.

- Oh, that'd be Sam.

- Well we didn't want that sort of person,

hanging around Proudfoot.

He looks as if he should be locked up.

- He has been.

- Yes, we used to call him Sam, Sam, the solitary man.

- Ah, ah.

Sam.

- Good to see you.

Hello, hello, hello Sam,

have you been up to your old tricks again already?

- No, one is gone.

Like it went missing when I arrived.

Search me.

- Sam it's great to see you.

- Come on, you're coming with us.

Oh, out at last.

It's hard to believe,

you're a fully qualified dental mechanic.

- But we're fully qualified dentists,

and that's even harder to believe.

- Ms. Figg send Mr. Cookson in please.

I'm so sorry my dear,

please continue.

- Not only did this horrible young man,

try to force himself into my bath,

he blew the froth off.

- Blew the,

while you were in the bath?

- Yes!

- Good gracious.

I'd like to look into that.

And now my dear,

I would like to make a suggestion if I may.

How would you like to be my new Dreem girl?

- Colonel?

- I won't take no for an answer.

In fact, I insist on having you.

I am going to give this Dreem girl,

everything I've got.

Starting with a new Monmouth TV production in 10 days time,

and you my dear.

I know.

Huh?

- Mr. Cookson is in the outer officer sir.

Oh, send him in, on the double.

- Yes sir.

- Yes my dear,

you are now about to meet the smartest young man,

behind my Dreem campaign,

knows exactly what he wants,

can't wait to get at it.

Good morning Cookson.

- Good morning sir.

Well I've looked carefully over everything,

in the organisation.

So I must say I'm delighted,

with some of the things I've seen.

I can explain everything sir.

- What? After only one look round?

Oh, I like that.

I like that.

I like a young man with a quick grasp.

- He's got that whole all right.

Colonel, this is the man.

- Yes.

This is the man with whom you will be working my dear.

You realise my boy,

you'll be seeing a lot of Miss Venner from now on.

- I already have.

I already have realised what a charming,

and loyal colleague Miss Venner will make.

The sort of person who wouldn't give a chap away,

if she thought he might lose his job,

or anything like that.

- Yes. All right.

You've made your point Cookson.

Or you two have met already then.

- We certainly have.

- Oh, when was it?

- Just now when you introduced us.

- There you go.

There you go.

Well, I'll leave you two to get acquainted.

I must get cracking.

I've only been around the factory twice this morning.

Got to keep production up, you know?

- That was a close shave.

Oh, I want to thank you for not giving me away.

- I should have done,

but I know what it's like to be out of a job.

- Please, don't go.

I want to apologise.

You know,

and explain.

- All right.

Let's hear an explanation.

- Oh, well,

when I came in on that film set,

I had no idea there was a decent girl in the bath.

No, I thought you were just an actress.

- I am an actress.

- Well, I know,

but I didn't know an actress could be so ordinary.

- Thank you.

- When I say ordinary,

I don't mean,

you see when I leaned on the lever,

I had no idea that you'd get the wind.

Oh dear.

- I'm still waiting for that explanation.

- I've got it.

- What is it?

- I'm an idiot.

- Rather nice idiot.

- Oh, well listen,

so are you.

Nice I mean.

Look, I have to get back to my surgery now.

Would you like to meet me later for a drink?

- Well.

- Just a couple of Proudfoot's instant cocoa.

Please.

- It's a date.

- Well,

not bad.

- You went a bit mad, didn't you?

Getting all this equipment?

- He said a Proudfoot scheme is never skimped.

Well, we haven't skimped it.

Come on Sam,

opening time.

- Good luck.

- Right now, this is.

Crikey!

Well,

if you're ready.

We're ready.

- All right,

just a minute.

Have you seen what's waiting in the next room?

If they're not girls,

they're most attractive looking men I've seen today.

- I wouldn't mind getting my forceps on their bicuspids.

- Just you remember,

that our relationship with the patients.

- Yeah, all right, all right, let's go.

Are the charts ready?

- Yeah, I've got them here.

- All right now,

instruments sterilised,

mouthwash tumblers full,

chair's in seating position.

- Well, I don't know how we're going to manage that lot.

- Conveyor belt system.

Four chairs, no waiting.

Right now gentlemen.

Man your posts.

Let battle commence.

- First patient please.

Name please.

- Carol.

Carol Potter.

- Age?

- 19.

- Lovely.

Chair number one please.

Mr. Dexter please.

- Good morning.

Now there's nothing to worry about.

This'll hurt you much more than it hurts me.

No, I mean,

open up please.

- Horrocks.

- Yes.

- Pat.

- Yes.

- Age 20.

- Yes.

- Sex?

- Not during working hours,

this way please.

- Next gent.

Next patient, please.

Name please.

- Judith.

- Surname?

- Dobbin.

Stable number.

Chair number three madam.

- What's the trouble, Miss Potter.

- Oh, no trouble really.

- Oh, then why have you come.

- Oh, this is a regular thing.

I just sit back and he lets me have that.

- Oh, I see.

He let's you have what?

- The polisher.

- Oh.

- Lower seven occlusal.

Do you mind?

Buckle five nasal.

- Do like my perfume?

It's called, mmmh, mmmh.

- I'm sorry.

I'm wearing an aftershave lotion called,

ah ah.

- Alcoke.

Penelope,

age please.

- Must I?

- Oh yes.

I'm afraid you must miss.

It's the regulations,

you know, matter of consent and all that.

What's your trouble?

- It's my tooth.

I asked my dentist to stop it,

but he wouldn't.

- The dirty rotter.

Come on my pet,

chair number four, my darling.

- I want scaling.

- I'm sure you do,

but I haven't got my climbing boots on.

- There Miss Potter.

That's better.

Come back again next week, will you?

And I'll give you another touch up with the brush.

- Come on, you're not hurting me at all.

- Yeah, but I need a rest.

I'm not used to heavy manual work.

- Open up.

There's nothing to be afraid of.

- I've heard all about those injection things.

The next thing you know,

I wake up dancing in a cafe in Tangiers.

- Oh, non sense.

Look, if you back up any further you'll...

- I have.

- What's the matter?

The old conveyor belt broken down?

- Not the conveyor belt, no.

Shall we try again?

- Thank you.

- Would that be all?

- That's more than enough.

- Good.

Now what would you advice?

Should I keep off the sweets?

- No, but I should lay off the oats for awhile.

- Oh, you next?

May we what?

- I know I am next.

- Oh yes.

I beg your pardon.

Name please.

- Fifi Le Beau.

- Age please.

- 18.

- 18, lovely.

All right, here we go.

Anyone taking you home tonight Mrs?

- No monsieur.

- Oh, well,

you're gonna be a bit lonely then, aren't you?

Straight through there please.

Right.

Lovely.

Next please.

Name.

Colonel J.J. Proudfoot.

- And Macreedy.

- One at a time please.

Proudfoot, sex?

- What does it look like, man?

Well, let you.

Wait a minute.

- And what is the meaning of all of this?

- Oh Colonel Proudfoot sir,

this is indeed an honour.

- Is it?

You girls, back to your benches.

Now, then gentlemen,

perhaps you'll be good enough to.

- Oh, that'd be a pleasure sir.

- Not that we really approve of queue jumping sir.

- There's no favouritism here,

but if you'd like to take this chair.

- Are you were aware,

that you seduced 24 of our girls?

- Oh come now, that's ridiculous.

I mean the time factor alone,

doesn't allow...

- Away from their posts and their machines.

- You didn't expect us to do it on the spot.

- Do what?

- Dental surgery, of course.

- Dental surgery?

If the girls want that,

they must get it after office hours.

- Oh, but sir please.

Are you aware,

sir some of these girls are urgent cases, you know.

- Rubbish, shirkers, malingers.

- Oh, on the contrary sir,

we found several cavities already.

- I found seven.

- As a matter of fact sir,

we blame it on the toothpaste the girls are using.

- Proudfoot enterprises supply the workers' toothpaste,

in their weekly pay packets.

- It's quite obvious,

that you have exceeded your authority.

Follow me.

- I think we're going to be shown the door.

- Do you see that?

- Oh yes sir.

Well?

- You were engaged as consultants,

for the advancement of Dreem toothpaste,

on the advertising side.

- Advertising?

- It's laid down in your contract.

Get it?

- But you don't understand,

if we got mixed up in any advertising,

we'd be struck off the register.

- Exactly.

And a very good morning to you both.

- But where does that leave us?

Fed up.

- Filled in.

- And far from home.

- Oh come on, cheer up.

It's not the end of the world, you know.

- It's the end of our careers.

Advertising.

We'll be chucked out of the Junior Tooth Pickers Club.

- Ah, never mind.

There's a nice cuppa coming up.

Just as soon as I washed up these crocks.

- Good.

- That's it.

Oh yeah.

We'll all feel better after a little drop of this.

And well,

somehow perhaps we can make the best of a bad job.

- It's a bad job all right.

Proudfoot's got us right where he wants us.

- Yeah. Thanks to that contract.

Why didn't you learn to read?

- There you are.

I've been looking for you everywhere.

- Jill darling, come and sit down.

Join us in a cup of sorrow.

- Why is everybody looking so miserable?

- Because old Proudfoot just dropped his bombshell.

Do you know he hasn't got us here to do dentistry at all?

We're here to advertise his lousy toothpaste.

- So that means, we'll be unfrocked.

- Surely you knew that.

- We do now.

- Right.

Tea up.

- Well you can't just sit back and do nothing.

- There's nothing we can do,

except resign.

- Oh, if we did that,

they could still use our names.

- There you are.

If they're going to use your names anyway,

you might as well stay here,

and collect the money.

- It isn't just,

it's a matter of conscience.

We can't put our names to Dreem.

This stuff's rubbish.

- I agree with Brian.

If we're going to endorse something,

in fairness to ourselves,

it ought to be something honestly worth endorsing.

- I suppose,

what you want,

is for us to sort of invent a new Dreem.

- Sam's got something.

Why don't you invent a new Dreem?

- By golly, why don't we?

Brian, you're the research genius,

you could put together a new formula.

- Well, yes I could.

- And you David,

you could stick to the advertising,

I bet you've got lots of ideas.

- Oh, are you kidding?

Sam,

you're good at working your way to other people's houses,

unwanted.

- Oh, wait a minute old man.

I've given all of that sort of thing up.

- Not yet you haven't.

We'll be doing door to door research old man.

You're going to find out,

what the average housewife really likes.

- Yeah, that sounds like my cup of tea.

Okay, when do we start then?

- Sam my boy,

tomorrow you pick a house at random.

- Yes.

- Oh good morning sir.

I represent Proudfoot Industry sir,

and I'm going around checking up on the sales,

of our toothpaste,

Dreem.

- Does it work?

- I beg your pardon?

- Does it work?

- Oh yes indeed sir.

Here it is.

Look,

Dreem brings out the natural whiteness of the hampsteads.

Of the teeth.

- Now listen to me.

I bought hundreds of things at the door,

but none of them work.

I've got carpet sweepers that won't sweep.

A television that's never had a blasted picture,

on it yet.

I have detergents that won't deter,

and brushes that get nowhere near the bend,

but send me around it.

And hair cream that brings my hair out beautifully,

by the roots,

and a car that's rattled ever since it left the factory.

- I will agree with you over the car sir.

We're all diddled with them.

- So what about this toothpaste of yours?

- Yes sir.

Here it is, sir.

It brings out the natural whiteness of the teeth.

That's what it says here.

- Lies,

all lies.

Who said it?

- I don't know sir.

Some liar at my factory I expect.

- It's all a filthy disgusting muck.

What is it?

- It's filthy disgusting muck sir.

- Good child.

In that case,

don't bring it around here again.

Goodbye.

- He's right.

Filthy disgusting muck.

Anyone who buys it,

is a mug,

and anyone who sells it,

is a low down cheating.

What am I saying?

Do you mind?

I'm trying to sell the muck.

This stuff, oh.

Good morning.

I'm your Dreem man.

Oh,

that is to say,

madam, Dreem is the toothpaste I represent.

Here we are.

If you should happen to have,

an old carton of Dreem in your possession,

which you can show me,

I could give you a couple of free ones right now.

- I'll go upstairs and see.

- I think I'll come and help you.

I warned you,

charming.

Dr Krint.

L.R.C.P,

M.R.C.S.

He might need some.

Is the doctor in?

- No.

Come on up.

- Well, that just proves my point.

Nobody likes Dreem.

How did you get on Brian?

- Oh, fine,

I had a good old scrounge around the factory store.

- Is that all you managed to get?

- No, I borrowed Sam's overcoat.

- Sam, where on earth did you get a coat like that?

- Oh, it's just a little thing,

I run up for myself in the old days,

you know,

for shoplifting,

when I was shopping.

- What did you win?

- Let's have a look, here.

- Aluminium hydroxide.

- Sodium flo, flo, flour or something.

- Fluoride.

- What's this?

Tomato ketchup!

- Oh sorry, that's for supper.

- Well, come on.

Let's get on with it.

Brian, you work on the formula,

I'll do the mixing,

and Sam can do the washing up.

- And what shall I do?

- You can come in the dispensary,

and hold my bunsen burner.

At 50 c.c.

- Yes, luminescent thymol.

- Luminescent thymol.

- Luminescent thymol,

here we are.

One ounce.

- One ounce.

Yap.

- Calcium bicarbonate.

- Half ounce.

- And hydrogen peroxide.

- Hydrogen peroxide.

- H.Y.D, H.Y.D, H.Y.D,

that's it.

H.Y.D.

- How much?

- Three drops.

- Are you sure you know what you're doing?

- Yes, who's the chemist around here?

Everybody out!

I said hydrogen peroxide.

- Not hydrochloric acid you nit.

- Wait a minute.

Some toothpaste is invented.

What a slogan we're going to use?

No more teething troubles.

- No more teeth.

- What's this supposed to be?

- Well, I hope it's toothpaste.

- Looks like toothpaste.

- Try it Sam.

- Why me, what have I done?

- Try it.

- Oh, not bad.

Like mother used to make.

- You hope it's a toothpaste.

- I know toothpaste,

look!

- Look at my hampsteads.

- It's wonderful.

We've discovered it.

The new Dreem.

- The only trouble is,

every time we make a batch,

we'll have to blow up a factory.

- Oh, don't worry.

I can adjust that.

It'll be all right on the night.

- It had better be.

- Right,

now we've got the formula,

but how do we sell it to Proudfoot?

- Simple, we just get him down here, and show him.

- That's easier said than done,

at the moment our popularity with the management,

is a minus quantity.

- There must be some way of getting him down here.

Mustn't there?

- Oh, where was I Miss Figg?

- Your memo to the heads of department.

Tomorrow night on television,

we launch the Dreem boat.

- Yes. With this launching gentlemen,

with this launching we can safely say,

that our ship has come home.

Oh dear, oh dear.

- I don't know why you don't get that to seen too sir.

I mean when you've got two dentists on the strength.

- Perhaps you're right.

- Well, sir you must look relaxed for tomorrow.

And you have no time to get to Harley street.

- Thank you Miss Figg.

Well, better get it over.

- There must be some way to get him down here.

Perhaps if one of us, would break a leg?

- He'd only wire his congratulations.

- We'll just have to pray for a miracle.

- The answer to a maiden's prayer.

Colonel Proudfoot, sir,

you couldn't have chosen a better moment to drop in.

Over here, we have...

- Nevermind what you've got Cookson,

I've got very bad toothache,

and I want it attended to now.

- This is confidence in deed sir,

coming here to have a tooth seen too.

- Or to have his head seen too.

- What was that?

- To have our head,

seen to approach us for treatment,

sir that's advancement indeed.

Now, don't worry,

we'll either fill you in,

or take it out on you.

- Now look here,

this is no laughing matter Cookson.

Either your treatment is painless, efficient and quick.

- Yes sir.

Open sir.

Oh, not a pretty sight sir.

Conference please Brian.

- What's he got?

- Wicked exposure on the lower eight,

it'll have to come out.

- We'll have to use gas.

Sam.

- Leave it to me lad.

- Make yourself quite comfortable sir.

- Oh Colonel, there you are.

They told me...

Oh thank heavens you're safe.

- Well don't just stand blithering there man,

what's the trouble?

- I don't know how they inveigled you in here sir,

but don't you worry,

they won't harm you now.

- Well I appreciate your concern, Macreedy,

but these gentlemen are well aware,

of my feelings in the matter.

Right Cookson?

- Absolutely right sir.

- One false move,

one twinge of pain,

I'll have the whole lot of you,

hung, drowned and quartered.

Quartered too,

we don't always do things by halves.

Don't worry sir,

you won't feel a thing.

Well I better not,

or you know what will happen.

- I do believe you're afraid, colonel.

- What me?

That'll be the day.

- Well, let's get dug in, shall we?

Mr. Anaesthetist!

- I don't understand you.

We're out of gas.

- I bet you say that to all the girls.

Out of gas?

We're out of gas.

- We'll have to use the needle.

- Sam, get the needle.

- I've already got it.

The hypodermic you nit.

- So sorry.

- Come on, come on.

We haven't got all day.

- Yes, of course.

Hold still.

- All over?

- Yes.

- Already?

Well, I didn't feel a thing.

Very good.

- Oh well, then,

just relax Colonel,

and wait till it takes effect.

Another conference please Mr. Dexter.

- What do we do now?

Knock him out?

- No, just keep talking,

and fiddling around with the instruments.

Give me time to think.

The lights, anything.

- Yes.

- Just a few adjustments Colonel.

If you just tidy up those instruments, Mr. Dexter,

and shift the light so that it falls just here Mr.Field,

and more to the left please.

No, a little more to the right now please.

A little more to the left.

Just relax sir.

- Hey Brian.

- What?

- I think I can make something of this.

- What, a cabaret act?

- No.

I don't know.

You keep moving the lamp like you see.

Lovely, keep it going.

Dr. Cookson,

I wonder if I could have a word with you.

- Just relax sir.

- What is it now?

- Just another little conference.

- Another conference.

- Look at that, look at him.

See that?

- Yeah.

- He prone to the old electric cell.

- What do you mean?

- Watch him.

Watch him. See that.

He's a sucker for the lamp.

It's an old hypnotic trick.

Yeah, I tried it once at a party on my aunt, and it worked.

What do you say?

- Have a go.

There's nothing else we can do.

- I want you to relax please sir.

From the tip of your toes,

right up to the tip of your nose.

That's right sir.

Relax now sir.

Let your mind go blank.

It shouldn't be difficult.

That's right sir.

That toothache has made you all weary.

Weary.

You're flaked out, mate, ain't you?

That's right,

now I want you to sleep.

A deep,

deep,

sleep.

That's right sir.

While you sleep,

think pleasant little thoughts.

The trees are all in buds.

And the daffs are coming out.

- The daffs are coming out.

- And that horrible mole is coming out.

- What was that?

- One of your mates,

he's just gone out,

sleep,

sleep.

There we are.

Sleeping like a baby.

- Oh Sam,

you're marvellous.

- Oh, nothing at all.

I just happen to be a bit of a genius.

- Right, let's get at the tooth.

- You push and I'll pull.

Prepare the patient.

Forceps please.

Success.

- Wonderful.

- Okay Sam, bring him round.

- What did you say?

- Bring him round.

- Bring him round?

You want him brought round now?

- Well of course.

Bring him round.

- Yes.

- Yeah, well we could try shouting.

- What do you mean?

Don't you know how to do it?

- Of course not.

I don't know the proper method.

All I know is a party trick.

I told you it was a trick.

Wait a minute.

Let me think.

Now.

Aunt Flossie.

Now,

how did we bring her around?

We whistled down a Trumpet.

- What's happening?

- That's funny,

look, he's awake.

- Yes, but he's only a fringe case.

- Yeah, just caught the fallout.

It's going to take more than that,

to get him out of his dreams.

- Dream?

- Look, he's coming round.

- Coming round?

- Coming round to our way of thinking, yes.

We just extracted that rather tricky little tooth.

- Oh yes I remember.

- Yes sir.

And then you agreed,

to let us give you a final polishing off.

Up, that is.

- I did?

- Yes indeed, you did sir.

- That's all right.

- We like our patients,

our very important patients that is,

like yourself,

to leave our surgery with really white teeth,

a big clean smile that is,

as against a,

dirty grin.

- Oh, since I'm here, I suppose.

- You suppose right in deed sir,

you see'

because our new formula,

has got a built in luminescent thymol.

Sort of like that.

- What Mr. Field means,

is that it contains a bacteria repellent,

decay neutralising ionic glow.

- Ionic aye.

- Ionic.

All around the gums here.

- Formula, formula.

Yes we have every single ingredient,

that you can imagine sir.

So luminescent thymol,

stanisus fluoride,

- Aspirin.

- Aspirin?

- Calcium bicarbonate,

sodium fluoride,

hydrogen peroxide.

Essence of chlorophyll and mint sir.

Oh yes indeed.

If you'd allow us to,

if you'll allow us to brush a small quantity,

of this miracle paste on your teeth.

- Oh my.

- I think we can promise you quite a surprise sir.

- Perhaps I had misjudged you lads a little bit.

Yes, this does not feel too bad at all.

- Spit it out then.

- What the devil have you done to my teeth?

- Well sir, what did I tell you?

I warned you.

Now you see what these incompetent idiots have done to you.

What?

Oh yeah.

Oh yes sir, I understand.

Well, Mr. Cookson and Mr. Dexter,

we shall need your services,

until you endorse Saturday night live television commercial,

as per contract.

We can certainly dispense with your services Field,

here and now.

And we shall replace you Miss Venner.

I think your association with these criminals,

you've shown that you lack the necessary qualifications,

to make a true Dreem girl.

- Quite right.

- I wouldn't have minded, if they'd given us a chance.

- It might have been worth getting a rocket.

- There's one here, costs 28 million pounds.

- As it is, what happens.

We got a great idea,

and he choke us off,

and fires Sam and you.

- That's right.

Into outer space,

to orbit the earth for seven years.

- Exactly.

What are you talking about?

- Sorcerer V,

the new Anglo American radio satellite.

They're launching it tonight.

- What's that got to do with us?

- Well nothing, but it's very interesting, don't you think?

It's going to orbit the earth,

for the next seven years,

it says here.

And they're putting a tape recording on it,

that will a message,

from the American president all over the world.

- Very interesting.

Now, would you please.

Very interesting.

Here, let me see that.

This might just be what we're looking for.

Spry 56 year old, Senator Whiteshafts,

is an imposing figure with bright blue eyes,

and a nose, which is continued on page four.

Page four.

- Hey, be careful with my suitcase, will you?

- Page four.

- Wait a minute,

I think this is page four here.

Watch out, my lunch is in that one.

Charming, look at that.

- Here he is.

The tape recording,

will be contained in the nose cone of the rocket,

and will circle the earth,

for the next seven years.

Playing continually.

Every man, woman, and child in the world,

will be able to hear its message,

by simply switching on the radio.

- I still don't understand what you're getting at.

- Supposing that tape recording,

contained a commercial jingle for new Dreem,

Brian's toothpaste.

That would be fantastic publicity.

Old Proudfoot would be so pleased,

and he'll give us all our jobs back.

He might even give us a raise.

- Yeah.

Like the raise you're taking out of us.

Oh, come on.

Think of something sensible, can't you?

- But this is sensible Sam.

Listen to this,

at eight o'clock this evening, Senator Whiteshafts,

will leave the Eastbury hotel,

bearing the presidential message,

in the state department dispatch case.

50 minutes later,

he will deliver this precious burden,

to the launching site at Floodwell Heights.

- Ooh, ain't it marvellous.

Would you mind telling me,

where do we fit in?

- You Sam,

fit in to the Senator's suit,

at that hotel,

where you're going with Jill.

And you Brian,

you make a tape recording,

with me,

that you'll take on to Jill and Sam at the hotel.

Then you and Sam,

go onto the launching site,

and smuggle the tape into the rocket.

- No, wait a minute.

We haven't even got a tape recorder.

- We'll pinch the one out of Proudfoot's office.

Then I'll take care of the television commercial with Jill,

as soon as she can join me at the television studios.

Any questions?

Right now,

there's the empty office.

Inside is the tape recorder.

You nip it and get it.

Can you think of a simpler idea that?

- Yes.

- What?

- You nip it and get it.

- What are you scared of?

It's as empty as a canteen sandwich.

Miss Figg is at coffee,

I'll keep her talking if she comes along.

Now, hurry up and get it.

- Oh Miss Figg, I'm terribly...

You nit!

- I don't know where to look for it.

- Well have a look in Proudfoot's office.

Look in Proudfoot's office.

Miss Figg.

Oh Miss Figg,

I wanted to have a word with you.

Miss Figg.

- What is he doing in my office?

- Precisely, what is he doing?

That's what I wanted to talk to you about.

Miss Figg, you see.

What is he doing in your office?

Well now, what he's doing,

is laying in wait.

He is waiting for you.

He wants to way lay you because,

ever since he came here,

he's been madly in love with you.

- In love?

With me?

- Yes.

- And you tried to stop him.

- Well, yes I did.

- But why?

- Because,

I'm madly in love with you myself, Miss Figg.

I don't know how to tell you.

I just didn't want you two,

to get together ever, ever,

because you see,

you can go now'

to the far corners of the earth,

and you'd never find anybody,

who felt about you as I do Miss Figg.

I'm waiting,

to hear you say the same thing to me Miss Figg.

Because then,

in my mind it will be all clear,

to me,

that you and I can mean so much to other.

I'm so sorry, Miss Figg.

- Oh, Mr. Cookson.

It must be my Spanish blood.

- Please don't apologise Mr. Cookson.

You did something to me,

that's made a lasting impression,

on the depths of my soul.

- Alas my love,

you do me wrong,

delighting in your company.

Green sleeves.

- Well, Brian,

I had no idea you couldn't sing.

- Oh really?

Well I didn't.

Very funny, very typical.

- Typical.

- But when you were with Miss Figg just now,

you weren't exactly a gentlemen.

- Neither was Miss Figg.

Now come on,

we've got to record this commercial,

but fast.

- What about this for a lyric?

- Let me see.

- It's not bad.

- Just one thing bothers me,

what do we use for music?

- Oh, use your head.

- Ooh.

Ooh.

My head.

It's in perfect pitch.

- Yeah.

The further you pitch it, the better.

That's given me an idea.

And for my next selection.

- That's very good.

- You've heard nothing yet.

- David, you're brilliant.

- Well, I wouldn't say that.

- Really, why not?

- It sounds better coming from you.

Are you ready, Mr. Gilbert?

- Ready Mr. Sullivan.

♪ White as snow ♪

♪ Gums that show ♪

♪ New Dreem users ♪

♪ Really know ♪

♪ New, new Dreem ♪

♪ Put a smile that will make you gleam ♪

- Right,

now for Senator H.P. Whiteshafts.

What did you say his room number was?

- 2-4-0.

- And so I say to you,

all of you,

and to everyone,

gathered here today,

that this,

is an,

historic occasion.

Today is full of surprises.

- Little does he know what surprises.

Right forward the Anglo Parisian valet service.

- I don't like it.

- No, but he will,

when he gets a load of the old Parisian background,

there in, the old derriere there.

- And I ask you ladies and gentlemen,

are we here to...

- Indeed we are monsieur.

Well of each of us.

- What in tarnation?

How did you get in here?

- Oh monsieur,

the Anglo Parisian valeting service.

It's got the entry to all the best places here.

- But what?

- Oh, of course monsieur.

We have come to do monsieur,

by courtesy of the C.I.G.S.,

may I introduce my colleague sir?

- George Washington.

- Well no monsieur,

this is mademoiselle Yvette.

- Well now,

it kind of goes for me to young lady.

- Monsieur's other baggage is on the way up I trust though.

- No, I have no other baggage.

Leave that alone.

That's state department property.

- Oh, I'm very sorry monsieur.

I did not realise.

Surely monsieur has some other clobber.

Some other raiment.

Surely you don't just sleep in the old,

you know.

- I don't intend to sleep in anything.

- Oh, monsieur.

- Begging your pardon of course young lady.

Look, you are not with me son.

I'm checking out of here.

I've just had a shower.

- And now of course monsieur is going to have another one.

Very good idea.

Indeed right there monsieur.

Very good indeed.

So clever.

So wise to be in good odour for an important engagement.

The C.I.G.S. will be so pleased.

- George Washington!

I just don't have time.

- Are you spurning the courtesy of the C.I.G.S. monsieur?

Are you?

No?

- Well, I don't want to be uncivil.

- Then perhaps monsieur will just have,

a small wash and brush up.

I'll go and prepare monsieur's wash.

- And Yvette will give monsieur,

the brush up.

- Oh, dear.

We're in deep trouble,

if we can't get a hold of the rest of his clobber.

- What are we going to do then?

- Oh, I don't know.

I really don't.

Yes I do, wait a minute.

Hey do you reckon you could charm the pants off a Senator?

- I'll give it a try.

Your water's running monsieur.

- Oh, it is?

Well, I guess I should hand it to you people for service,

but look,

you're lousing up my schedule.

- Oh, I will look after monsieur's little schedule.

- Well okay.

But snap into it, will you,

I've got a very tight programme.

- Perhaps you'll allow Yvette to loosen it.

- I think I'll keep the shirt little lady.

- No monsieur.

Monsieur needs to shave.

- Oh, I do?

- The shave is the most necessary.

And after, some talcum, oui?

- Yeah.

George Washington!

- What have I done?

- Yvette you're so careless.

Now, I shall have to have monsieur's round trousers.

- Huh?

- Trouser monsieur.

Thank you.

- George Washington!

You can't do this.

- Monsieur wants a bet.

I mean monsieur cannot meet his illustrious friends unkempt.

- You can't take my pants like this.

Not in front of a lady.

- What is monsieur wearing underneath?

- Well, my long underwear, I guess.

- Aha, monsieur has long johns, yes?

- George Washington!

Let me out of here.

- Now, we take the bath.

- We?

No, you can't!

- Monsieur, you'll love it.

The water is very hot, for this time of the year.

Look, is that not inviting?

- Well, maybe it is little lady,

but I don't have the time.

And anyway, it isn't decent,

you here with me and everything.

- Oh but monsieur a sang froid, no?

- Oh, I have?

- I mean, you will take the plunge.

- Oh, you're here.

How do I look? Tell me.

How am I looking?

- Well, you wouldn't get my vote,

but you may pass in a crowd.

- Oh, well for your information,

we're not going to meet any crowd,

not the way I'm going in.

See this look,

what I found in the Senator's bag,

an exact plan of the site.

We'll easily find a back entrance.

- Great Scott!

- No son, Senator H.P. Whiteshafts at your service.

Hey, got the other tape?

Let me out of here!

- How did it go?

- Fine.

- Good.

Back to David.

- Okay see you later boys.

- Yeah, see you later little lady.

- Bye.

Let me out of this bathroom.

- Okay, let's get out before he breaks that door down.

Let me out of here I say.

- Belt up you noisy nit.

- We're ready for the run through,

in a minute Mr. Cookson.

- Well Cookson, not long now my boy.

Good luck.

- Sir, before we go through with this,

I suppose it's no good talking to you,

about our new formula for Dreem.

- No, no, no,

we've been all through that before.

Just concentrate on the job in hand my boy.

- Yes, sir.

- Oh, there you are.

I want you to meet a close friend of mine.

Our new Dreem girl.

Miss Lolita Roughage.

- Delighfful.

- It was my idea,

that you wore that rather low cap gown.

They're very fashionable now, you know.

- Oh really?

I've felt they were on their way out.

No, I didn't mean...

- Everybody on the set please.

- Oh yeah.

Ready when you are.

This way Miss Roughage.

I'd like to have you on the couch.

Perfect.

All right, let's try rehearsal.

- May I come in?

Hello there.

Where?

Hello there

I am not an actor,

I'm a fully qualified dentist,

here to recommend, Dreem,

the toothpaste with a built in beam.

Hmm?

Beam.

P.C.P.,

Proudfoot's Cleansing Products,

are indeed proud to offer Dreem to you.

Who?

You?

You.

Dreem is more than a toothpaste.

It's much more.

Let's see what happens here.

Come with me, won't you?

Excuse me, sir.

Sorry.

Are you getting flavour blur?

- Yes.

- Let's see if you can tell the difference,

between brand X and this toothpaste,

in the can't see test,

from a tube with the label covered up.

Well, can you tell the difference,

between this and the toothpaste you were using?

- Yes, lovely.

- What is it?

What is it?

No, no, you ask me, "What is it?"

- What is it?

- Oh, Dreem.

The toothpaste with the built in beam.

But that's not all that Dreem does friends.

Just look at the sparkling smile,

on this lovely girl here.

How.

How did she get such big beautiful,

teeth?

As a fully qualified dentist,

let me show you.

Come with me, won't you?

Not you.

Dreem and only Dreem,

only Dreem,

contains those two essential ingredients.

Essence of chlorophyll,

and sodium fluoride,

with this result.

Come with me, will you?

A glittering smile,

that is a boon and a blessing to the whole family.

Yes, as a qualified dentist,

I recommend Dreem.

- The tooth paste with built in beam.

- Well?

- Well it's,

not quite.

- Not quite, no.

- Not quite yet.

- Yeah, no.

- But I'm sure it will be all right on the night.

- It had better be.

- Dead on schedule,

the perimeter fence.

Come on.

- How do you know it's the right one?

- We can easily check.

Can you reach the top wire?

- I think so.

- You know, it's the right one.

It says here it's electrified.

- Now you tell me.

- Keep your eyes peeled.

Hold that torch.

Watch out the wire.

Pull it back, quickly.

All right.

Underneath quick.

Now keep your head down and through you go.

Look out!

Search lights.

- Haven't you done enough?

First, the wire.

- Oh please, belt up, will you?

There's already enough electricity up there,

to keep the cows out.

- Well, I've got news for you.

One got through.

- I think I spiked my pants.

- Stop mourning.

Come on.

Come on, in here quick.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Have you read that?

- Yeah.

What are you worried about?

You're immunised now.

- David!

- Jill.

- Wow, did I have a job to get into this place,

without being seen.

What was the next move?

You've got to change places with Macreedy's fancy bit.

- Do I look anything like her?

- Oh well, enough like her.

You know, you're tall and she's tall,

and you're a natural blonde,

and she's,

natural.

All we have to do is get rid of her.

- Get rid of a her how?

- Don't worry,

I've got that all worked out.

- Okay.

- Lolita there's a phone call for you.

- Oh, tell them I'm busy.

- Oh, from Hollywood.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Oh, this way.

- I wonder who it could be.

- I think it's a trunk call.

- The place is full of boffins in white coats.

Excuse me, one moment please.

- Yes. Can I help you?

- Oh, yes indeed.

- Could you tell me who the pre nuclear fundamentalist.

Hello?

We've got to get up there.

Well,

I think I'm about ready now Mr. Dexter.

How do you do?

Take me to your leader.

- Certainly.

- Yes, as I was saying Mr. Dexter,

for the last five years,

I've been on rockets you know.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Before that,

I was three years on Catherine wheel.

- Another 15 minutes sir.

And then it goes out, live to the whole nation.

Perhaps the leader would care for some refreshment,

while we wait.

We have sherry, gin, whiskey.

- And hardened arteries.

I'll have a health giving,

Proudfoot's glucola.

- Yes sir.

And for you and Mr. Macreedy?

- I'll have a whiskey...

- Proudfoot's glucola all round,

after the show.

- Right.

- There it is.

The control room, up there on the left.

We're practically home and dry.

- Senator, or no Senator,

they won't let you through.

It's a reserved area.

- So what?

- We haven't got blue passes.

- I don't know if we will ever,

if we hang around these draughty corridors too long.

We better nip off and get a couple.

- How?

- You know frankly Claude,

I think you've got a leak in your feedback.

- Here they are.

As a reserved looking bunch I've ever seen.

Go and get them.

- Yeah but we can't knock them off in the what not too.

- Who said anything about knocking them off in the what not.

Go and ask for their passes.

- Yes, but...

- Go on, go and get them.

- About this circuit at all.

Then again we can go back,

and have another circuit round here,

with a fresh transformer.

- Excuse me gentlemen.

I'm so sorry to bother you, but,

could I have your passes please?

- By all means.

Really?

- Glad to see you chaps are on your toes.

- Oh we are sir.

Yes, we definitely are.

Thank you so much.

I'll just get them stamped for you,

if you can wait here.

Thank you so much. Goodbye.

- Very security minded, these chaps.

We'd have all sorts of shady characters breezing in here,

if it wasn't for them.

- Passes gentlemen.

Thank you sir.

You appear to have three cards here sir.

- Oh, well,

keep the change sergeant.

You're doing a grand job.

- If you wouldn't mind just stepping in,

in front of the fluoroscope sir,

it's just a formality,

in case of concealed arms and cameras and so on.

- Well,

we're happy to oblige sergeant.

Thank you sir.

Morning.

- Morning sir.

- Hey doc,

do you think these guys will see through us?

- Thank you sir.

Next one please.

- Thank you.

- You'll find, I've got nothing.

- So I can see.

- So,

the Eros satellite gentlemen contains,

no less than 21,947 solar cells.

Each about the size of a small razor blade,

and capable of generating,

83 degrees through solar heat.

- Really?

Bash good show.

Zero minus 20.

- It's means gentlemen,

in exactly 20 minutes,

from now, we shall fire the first stage,

which as you know,

is the White Knight.

- I say.

Are you sending a dog up in it?

- No, no, no, no, no, no.

We wouldn't send up a dog in a night like this.

Which of course in turn,

ignites the sorcerer V,

which throws out,

the Eros satellite,

to orbit the earth,

at approximately 400 miles perigee,

to 650 apogee.

Every, 78 and a half minutes.

- Amazing.

- So you see gentlemen,

history having been made,

it won't be very long now,

before we're able to hear those famous words.

- Do you mind?

- Who the devil are you sir?

- Dexter, sir.

Dr. Dexter.

- Dexter you are not one of us, are you?

You're from Jodrell Bank?

- Well, no indeedy gentlemen.

From the Chase National Bank, Manhattan.

It is indeed,

the product,

of the vested interest of our two great countries,

am I right sir?

- Incredible.

- Allow me to introduce myself gentlemen,

Senator H.P. Whiteshafts.

Hot foot from Washington, DC,

bringing you,

history in the making.

Incorporated in the momentous words of our president.

- Ah, the tape.

- The very same.

- Fantastic.

- Gentlemen,

here we have peace talk,

from on high.

A pow wow,

a pow wow from the stratosphere.

In the words of our president.

Once more,

unto the breach,

dear friends,

Romans

and countrymen,

there is a far, far better thing,

than we do,

than we have ever done.

And a man's a man for all that.

- The president said that?

- Okay.

Sure, sure, sure, sure.

- Remarkable.

- Von Glue.

Can you see the tape is placed in the nose cone, please.

- Certainly.

- Careful son, please.

The words of our president...

Are not to be taken lightly.

Zero minus 17.

- Who said that?

- It's just the countdown, Senator.

- Count who?

- No, the count down.

- Excuse me.

Now, come, come, come gentlemen.

We must not be pessimistic about this.

Let us rather,

call it,

the count up.

Oh yes indeedy.

Excuse me.

Just as I was saying,

let us rather call this,

the account up.

For in a few moments from now,

that inspiring message,

from, you know who.

I see that you all know who.

As I was saying,

in a few moments, time,

that inspiring message,

will wing it's way, skywards.

Heralding man's first faltering footsteps,

to cross the threshold of tomorrow,

and go out into great beyond.

Am I right, sir?

- Blessed if I know.

Extraordinary chap.

- When are our footsteps,

gonna cross the threshold of freedom?

- Belt up.

I'm coming to that in a minute.

Well gentlemen,

I have no wish to detain you any longer,

but I would like to assure you,

here and now,

that we, of the J.S.S. and P,

applaud your efforts here today.

And remember gentlemen,

do not think,

that just because this is an Anglo,

US enterprise,

that it is therefore, unAmerican to be British.

Because gentlemen,

only, only in that way...

- Please please.

Senator, that is the firing button.

- I beg your pardon.

Well, as I was saying, gentlemen,

only in that way, you see,

can we hope,

to raise our twin flags,

on the boundaries,

of the great unknown.

And therefore gentlemen,

at this great moment,

we take our leave.

- We're in tarnish.

- Arrest this man!

This could lead to war.

In there Sergeant, quick,

your country needs you.

- Anything up?

- Yes, the game.

- There has been a security leak men.

I'll keep those vermits at bay.

- Don't worry, they shall not pass.

Come on chaps.

- Can't you understand,

that those two men were spies?

- Extraordinary fellow.

- And I'll tell you,

that I am Hiram P. Whiteshafts.

And this gentlemen,

is the president.

- Then, what is the other tape?

The one in the...

- That is your problem.

Now will you do something?

- I fear you've already done.

- I think you're ready?

- Yeah.

- And where's the girl?

- She's in the,

don't worry she'll be here on time.

- All right, stand by.

Positions please.

Ten seconds.

- Here we go.

- All right everybody.

Five seconds.

- Hello there.

I'm not an actor.

I'm a fully qualified dentist,

and I'm not here to recommend old Dreem,

I'm here to recommend new,

Dreem.

- What's the idiot talking about,

new Dreem?

- Yes, friends,

P.C.P.,

Proudfoot's Cleansing Products,

are indeed proud to offer a new Dreem to you,

the customer.

- He said it again.

He's going stark raving mad.

- Let me tell you about the product.

In the first place,

New Dreem is nothing like old Dreem.

Let's see what happens here.

- He'll ruin us, stop him.

- We can't,

the red light's on.

Viewers, look at this man's teeth.

You can hardly see them,

for the disgusting foam barrier,

caused by old Dreem.

Now this couldn't possibly happen,

with wonderful new Dreem.

As a fully qualified dentist,

let me show you the most sparkling smile,

that ever looked into my surgery.

Yes, the new Dreem girl,

whose glittering smile,

tells you.

- New Dreem is a Dreem and a toothpaste.

- I can't stand it.

- He's deliberately trying to ruin you sir.

Red light or no red light,

I'm going in.

- To these six active ingredients,

we add the benefits of luminescent thymol.

- Give that to me. - Stanius fluoride,

certainly, hold it, won't you.

And sodium fluoride,

which dental tests prove,

cuts down on decay and cavities at all times,

all adding up to the greatest advance,

in dental hygiene,

ever offered to the public.

New Dreem is a Dreem of a toothpaste.

- Will you give that to me?

- With pleasure.

Come on Jill, let's run for it.

I hope Brian and Sam have had better luck.

- David.

- Macreedy you let them get away.

I want those two back here,

dead or alive in five minutes,

or you'll be looking for...

Your five minutes is up.

Well come on Duff,

what are we waiting for?

- Good lord, we're still on!

Cut camera's quick.

Cue in, take your pick.

- And may we have the next contestant,

right in here please.

And good evening sir,

your name is?

- We will come back next week.

- The next one,

good evening.

- Good evening.

- And your name is?

- Oh Poppy cock.

- Good evening Mr. Poppy cock.

Just a moment please sir.

What is your name?

- I'm Duff.

- Mr. Duff.

You're just in time for the yes-no interlude,

aren't you?

- Frankly no.

- 19 pounds,

just think of it Mrs. Crumb,

can be yours,

look, just feel it.

19 pounds.

20 pounds.

What do you want to do?

You want to open the box,

or take the money?

- I'll open the box.

- You'll open the box.

- I'll take the money.

- Well, we better open the box then Mrs. Crumb.

Come on over to, number two,

and let's see what's going to come out for you.

Hope you're going to be lucky this evening.

You've turned down 20 pounds.

Hand me that card please.

And what have you won?

Just turn round,

you have won,

tonight's star prize!

- Stay here and watch this door.

- And the satellite is now in orbit,

and circling the earth every 78 and a half minutes.

And now ladies and gentlemen,

history is in the making.

We are going to hear,

direct by radio,

the message on tape,

that will be heard throughout the world,

for the next seven years.

♪ White as snow ♪

♪ Gums that show ♪

♪ New Dreem users ♪

♪ Really know ♪

♪ New, new Dreem ♪

♪ Put a smile that will make you gleam ♪

♪ White as snow ♪

- They're on about Dreem.

What's going on?

- It's a message from the satellite.

- The what a light?

- The satellite they've just sent up.

So Brian and Sam managed,

to smuggle the Dreem commercial,

into the transmitter.

That's going to be heard,

all around the world for the next seven years.

- Put those men down.

A moment.

What are you all talking about?

- It's the new Dreem we invented sir.

We were trying to tell you about it.

- Yeah and you wouldn't listen to us.

- Yeah now the whole world is listening,

and talking about new Dreem.

- He's quite right, you know.

- That's right.

They didn't ruin the commercial,

they made it.

The greatest commercial in history.

- First commercial in space.

There are quite a few things coming to light around here.

- Look at what they've done to my suit.

- It's not only a toothpaste,

it's a bleach.

- It's a miracle.

- A miracle of the age.

- All this and seven years free publicity.