Original subtitles

Man: You know comics?

Oh, please. I'm listening. I'm all ears.

Please, please, tell me!

Second man, raspy voice: It's not just comics.

It's about cash.

We could have split it.

We could have split it? No!

It's all mine!

Why? Why? Why would I split it with you?

Because we were in this together.

No! I'm in this alone!

My whole life!

Every waking, sleeping, dreaming moment of my life,

I spent for comics.

What do you live for, my friend?

You know comics? You know shit!

Is that what it would have taken to share?

I know comics, too.

I... i grew up with them.

Oh, yeah, you know comics.

You're the oracle of delphi of comics.

Yes, um, uh...

First appearance of Superman?

Uh, action comics#1.

Everyone knows that.

Batman?

Detective comics27.

Spider-man?

Spider-man#1.

Uh-uh!

Oh, wait, wait. Uh...

Amazing fantasy15.

Golden age flash?

Golden age flash...

[Mumbling]

Uh, flash comics#1.

Silver age flash?

Showcase 4.

Human torch?

Uh, fantastic four#1.

No! I'm taking about the 1940's torch!

Oh, uh...

Marvel mystery#1.

Wonder woman?

Wonder woman...

Come on! Wonder woman...

Wonder woman... sensation1.

Wrong!

No, no, wait.

I'm right. It's definitely sensation1.

No!

No!

It's not wonder woman #1, if that's...

What are you trying to do? What are you trying to do?

Insult me?

Are you patronizing me,

or are you just trying to get yourself killed?

Because if you're doing that,

you're doing a very... Good... Job.

[Gun cocks]

[Gunshot]

[Church bells ringing]

Third man: Our town?

Um... it was normal.

Walk down main street on a busy Saturday,

and you knew almost everyone.

Yep, a normal place.

Normal stores and normal people.

And if it was a little boring,

no one seemed to notice but me.

The thing is, looking back,

I see it wasn't just normal. It was real, too...

The real world, where parents paid bills

and kids worried about football tryouts,

where folks argued whether the president was a Saint or a sinner.

Yep. Real.

A little piece of the world

that my friends and me didn't belong to.

See, we had a world of our own.

Why argue about the president

when you could argue for the fate of earth

with galactus, devourer of worlds?

Why try out for football

when you could try out for the X-Men?

Nah, we didn't do any of that.

But read enough comics,

and it sure made you feel like you did.

Pathetic? Yeah, maybe.

But all you out there with your daytime soaps,

as far as I'm concerned,

you're in glass houses throwing stones.

That's me. The name's Archie lake.

I have to say that I'm a bit different from a lot of guys here.

Not by choice, my parents dying and all.

I was alone.

I had a single room in a guesthouse.

Me, a bed, and more comic boxes than I could count.

Most of these guys live at home.

Why? No rent.

And guess what that extra dough gets spent on.

And not just new books every month,

back issues, too,

some costing some serious dough.

Which is how and why things turned a little crazy last year.

Ah, and this is Raymond macgillicuddy,

owner of this heaven on earth.

Getting in with Raymond so he thought you were worth talking to...

Now that was something to strive for.

When he thought you were worth the effort,

boy, those talks... Stimulating.

About things that really matter.

If you want to fuck a superheroine,

the golden age canary wins hands-down over the modern version

because of the fishnets.

How about the valkyrie from the airboycomic?

[Laughs]

Normally, I'd agree with you, uh,

except for the fact that she was in suspended animation.

She started screwing the airboy in the 1940s,

then she comes out of cold storage

and starts screwing the new airboy in the present?

So?

[Laughs] Well, the new airboy in the present

is the son of the original.

That means the valkyrie

was doing the father and the son.

That is fucked up.

Ah, ah, gentlemen,

she was lost. She was lonely.

She was looking for love, ok?

Which of us, under those conditions,

wouldn't do the same?

[Laughs]

[Laughing]

Yes.

Archie: And this is conan.

He calls himself that 'cause he says

Robert e. Howard, the guy who created conan the barbarian,

was his great uncle,

which I know is a crock.

He's my Dr. Doom, my archfoe.

Why?

He has more money than me,

and he snags the comics I can't.

Plus, he's in with Raymond, too.

In fact, it was him that started all the craziness.

Though I admit it seemed innocent at the time

when he opened his mouth, sweet as pie, and said...

Raymond,

do you know a guy named David cresswell?

David cresswell...

No, no. Should... should I?

The new books come in?

Hellboyby mignola.

Madmanby allred.

The others, they're the same old crap.

Is that it, arch?

Yeah, unless my poster came in.

Nope.

Well, what about my Alex Ross signed hardcover?

Nope, again.

You're not having much luck today.

Ring me up.

What's going on?

You seem kind of down. You all right?

I'm fine.

You know, I just really don't want to talk about it.

Why not? You're among friends.

Um, do you remember my cousin Sam?

I brought him in once when he was visiting.

Well, it doesn't matter.

Anyway, he got this job driving a cab in New York,

and he saved up all this money,

and now he's going to Europe.

Big deal. What's so special about that?

[Sighs]

Europe isn't... isn't here. It's...

It's there?

[Chuckles]

Yeah, it's there. It's somewhere.

Why would you want to leave town?

Everything worth having is right here.

Raymond's store.

Domino's pizza.

Very true.

Ah, conan, be careful of that, um, counter.

The leg's broken.

You going to fix it?

I'll get around to it.

This, um...

Cresswell character. Should I know him?

He died.

My mom told me. She met his mom.

Raymond: Oh, really?

He was on old guy. 50, 55.

Collected comic books his whole life.

I find that hard to believe,

seeing as I know every serious comic-book collector in the tri-county area,

and I've never heard of this cresswell character.

I meant he did until, like, 5 years ago.

That was before you opened the store.

But he started buying when he was 8 or 9.

That's like 45 years of collecting.

It's cool, huh?

And he's deceased, you say?

Too many burgers. His heart.

Makes you proud to be a comic fan.

Where... where does this mother live?

My mom met her at the doctor's.

She's like 100 or something, extremely old.

Who, your mom?

Mrs. Cresswell.

Oh.

They met at the doctor's waiting room.

They don't exchange numbers or anything.

My mom's hot.

She's trying to date the u.P.S. Guy,

so I can't see her giving foot rubs

to some old woman, you know?

C-Conan, have you told this to anyone else?

Uh-uh, only you.

Archie: Which wasn't exactly true.

In fact, it wasn't true at all.

You remember that conan was my archenemy?

Well, Raymond had his own Lex Luthor.

Norman link and his wife Judy

had their own store across town.

They weren't hard-core comic fans.

Norman realized that there was money to be made in comics,

especially if you stocked a variety of cards

and games and stickers and crap

that encouraged mothers to bring in their kids.

And that's why Raymond hates them.

He feels there's no real love for comics,

neither Norman or his wife.

Norman, in turn, hates Raymond as a professional rival.

I think words were even exchanged once

when they were at a stop sign

and they both thought they had the right of way.

I never go into the place.

I have Raymond, so why would I?

But little did ray and I know

that conan...

He liked to switch-hit.

Which is why, earlier that same day...

Do you know a guy named David cresswell?

Archie: And that's our cast of four-color characters.

[Funk music playing]

Archie: No, wait. There's one more.

The reason I almost forgot him

is that I didn't know this guy when it all started.

None of us did except Raymond,

and even his association was from a long time ago.

Archie: Here he is...

J.c. Carter.

Though what the j and the c stand for

are as mysterious as the shadow.

And as you can see at this moment in time,

the last thing on his mind is comic books.

[Telephone rings]

Hello?

Archie, hey.

Hey, what are you doing?

Babylon 5is on.

It's a repeat.

So?

So don't you have the week off work?

Yep, my boss is making me take it.

So what are you going to do with it?

I don't know.

I'll probably re-bag part of my collection

and practice how to make the perfect grilled-cheese sandwich.

Hey, um, how'd you like to spend tomorrow

driving around with me?

Norman: It's probably nothing.

Judy: No, we can't afford it.

Ok, well, it's probably nothing,

so don't worry about it.

Well, why are we bothering if it's nothing?

Because maybe it is something.

Then we should worry.

Can...

Norman.

Look, rumors like this one

drip down from the clouds every few years.

[Moans]

The big collection.

You start hearing about 30, 40, 50 years of comic books

kept pristine in a basement or a warehouse.

Usually it turns out to be bullcrap.

50 years of so-called collecting

turns out to be a year of Archie comics in a cardboard box.

Or there's a few old comics,

but the rats and the damp have gotten to them.

So why bother?

Because you never know.

There was a collection once.

"The mile-high collection" they call it now.

The man that found it built a mini-empire

of comic-book stores in Colorado and abouts.

Norman, we can't afford to be buying collections.

Our quarterly taxes are due next week.

I know it.

Say, you want pizza tonight?

I want a baby.

Gee, I don't know if I can get that as a topping, honey.

How about, uh, sausage?

[Laughs] You bastard.

Say, where's the phone book?

The number for the pizza store is on the refrigerator.

No, I'm thinking there can't be too many cresswells in town, right?

Hey, I'm leaving.

I want to take a bath.

Ohh, nice. Can I watch?

No, you can't.

I want an hour to myself,

so don't come over yet.

Ok.

So what are you going to do?

Finish up here.

Oh, will you grab something on your way over?

What?

I'm making you a meal tonight.

[Chuckles] Macaroni and cheese?

[Laughs] No, I'm making a roasted vegetable omelette,

and I got everything. I just need, uh...

Red and yellow sweet peppers.

Honey? Huh?

Can you get them?

Yeah, yeah. Green and yellow peppers.

No, red.

Red and yellow peppers.

Ok, I'll get 'em.

Thanks.

Oh, and, uh,

Cheryl said that she saw Tony here earlier,

but I must have been backstage.

I've been here hours. I haven't seen him.

Just be careful, all right?

[Softly] Right.

I love you, booby.

Hey!

Don't you love me?

You know it, honeysuckle.

Mr. Carter?

Been a while.

Oh, hi, Tony. How you doing?

How or who, which did you say?

How.

Ah...

'Cause if you'd asked me who,

then I'd have to tell you that I'm not doing anyone.

But you're doing someone, though.

Come on, Tony.

We've been through all this.

Your ex-wife is just that... your ex.

I didn't break you guys up.

You were around.

Who are these guys?

My friends.

Didn't bring any of your buddies?

No, i'm, uh...

More of a loner.

Don't hurt me. Please, Carter.

I'll leave you alone. I promise. I promise.

Oh, yeah? Well, what makes you think

I don't enjoy our time together, huh?

Hmm?

You fuck!

Archie: Now, the new day didn't begin

with a glorious dawn marking the start of some grand adventure.

There was one cresswell listed in the phone book,

no Mr. or Mrs. Alongside it,

so we didn't know what we'd find when we got there.

Not me. Not Raymond...

Not Norman.

M-M-Mrs. Cresswell?

They're around the back.

What are?

My bottles.

It's about time the city came and got 'em.

Your bottles?

Yes, I've even sorted them into clear and colored.

I've done all the work for you.

A little old lady like me,

you ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

No, i'm... I'm not here for your bottles, Mrs. Cresswell,

I'm not with the city.

I... i had a, uh,

a city job once, but...

I was actually... I was wondering

if I might have a word with you.

Look, if you're a jehovah's witness,

you're wasting your time,

because I've made my peace with god,

and I don't want to change

the way I say good morning and good night to him

at this late date.

No, no, no. I'm not here about god, either.

[Sighs] Then what can I do for you?

Well, you, um...

You had a son, right?

Mrs. Cresswell: He was 65

and still living with his mom.

Norman: He enjoyed his life, though.

He never went out.

Not after he left his job.

Ah, a pleasant retirement nonetheless.

No, disability.

He slipped at work.

He said there was grease on the floor.

I think he was just so fat that he fell over.

But don't get me wrong. Don't get me wrong.

I loved my boy.

I know you did. So he... he stayed here?

He watched videos, and he ate ribs and apple pie,

and that was his life.

Hmm.

I came down one morning

and found him dead from the night before.

[Sighs]

Tragic. What a shame.

Yeah, I can see the tears in your eyes.

Now, what do you want?

Dave... David was a collector, right?

Yeah.

Comic books?

Yeah, most of his life.

Do you still have them?

Sure, sure. I have everything of David's.

See, I'm a bit of a collector myself,

and I'd actually might be interested in buying them from you.

Well, I'm sorry, but you see, they're not for sale.

Oh, well, I'm sure we could come to some sort of understanding.

Not unless you understand

that I'm not interested.

Well, could I at least just see what he had?

No. I don't see the point of it, you know?

I-I'd like to know...

For my own peace of mind.

[Sighs]

Well...

Never let it be said

that I denied anybody his peace of mind.

Come on.

No humidity. No light.

That's good.

[Click]

[Engine stops]

Oh, god.

Goddamn it, there he goes.

Ohh, this doesn't look good.

[Softly] Oh, goddamn it.

Shit!

Fuck! Shit!

Goddamn it!

Jesus Christ! I bet you he found her!

I see... look at his face!

I bet you that son of a bitch found her!

You know what this about, Archie?

This is about that house

being a quarter of a mile closer to his shop

than my fucking shop!

A quarter of a fucking mile!

What are you going to do?

I don't know!

[Knocks on door]

Mrs. Cresswell?

Yes.

Hi. You just saw my colleague?

Your colleague?

[Laughs] My... i mean my partner, um, Norman.

He said I should, uh, introduce myself.

I don't know why.

I told him I wasn't interested in selling them.

The comic books?

Well, what else would I be talking about?

Oh, well, um...

See, Norman, uh, thought I should... i should take a look at them.

Look, I told him, and I'm telling you

I don't want to sell my son's things.

Oh, and i'm... I'm sorry for your loss,

but could I look at the comic books anyway?

Your partner already saw them.

I know, ok, but see,

he... i'm... he's not me. And i'm...

I'm a collector,

and your son was a collector.

And I have so much respect for...

Uh... collecting.

Please?

[Sighs] Oh, well...

It's nice to hear a gentleman say please.

Come on in.

Did you see them?

[Weeping]

They're beautiful!

They're beautiful.

She won't sell, you said. The end.

No.

That's it, Norman.

You had no right to offer her our life savings.

We could offer her more.

We could take out a loan.

Are you high?

Maybe we could sell that car. Who needs it?

Get something cheaper.

This is fucking crazy.

Don't swear. I hate it when you swear.

Oh, well, I swear I'll walk out that fucking door

if you keep this up!

These collections have pedigree.

We could charge more,

4, 5 times more than the comic book price guidesays.

Old lady cresswell is sitting on a gold mine.

She don't even know it.

I saw the complete runs of marvel's and DC's,

some of them going back to the golden age,

and all of them perfect.

All the ecs, all the early showcases

with the origin of the flash,

the green lantern, and the atom.

Look...

The guide says,

"$32,000. $5,500. And $1,500."

We could charge 4 times that,

and that's just 3 comic books, honey.

The guy had thousands.

I'm serious. Thousands.

Here. Bedtime reading for you.

Yeah, I'll kill you with it in your sleep,

or I'll hit you over the head.

Look, it's a gamble, I admit it.

But if it pays off,

we can expand. You can have a kid.

We could have it all.

Norman.

Norman, honey, wake up.

What?

We have to get those comics.

What happened?

Look, man driving bus, not funny.

Monkey driving bus, chuckles a-plenty.

Man icing cake, no laughs.

Monkey icing cake, big laughs.

Man walking dog...

Hey.

What's with you? Why aren't you joining in?

You usually like to take part in this kind of stuff.

Provocative monkeys?

Yeah. I don't know.

Excuse me if I'm wrong. Um...

Weren't you the one who tried to start the campaign

to get Linda Hamilton nominated for an Oscar

for Terminator ii?

No, that was me.

I love that movie.

Me, too.

No, I was... I was just thinkin'.

[Quietly] About the comics at Mrs. Cresswell's?

Um, no.

Just, like, about the town.

What about it?

You know... nothin'.

Yeah, you know, lately

a lotta stuff's been eatin' at me, too,

drivin' me crazy.

Booby.

Oh, hey, honey.

I was just thinkin' about you.

Oh, yeah?

Warm thoughts, I hope.

Is there any other kind?

Uh-uh.

I brought you lunch.

How's it goin' in here?

Well...

At least another 4 months.

Really? Why that long?

See that? It's damp.

Wall's rotten with it.

That's work I hadn't counted on.

Hmm.

Still I, uh...

Wish I didn't have to sell this place.

You know, selling them when they're fixed up

feels good, usually,

but I don't know. This time...

I kinda feel like I'm losin' somethin', you know?

Really, baby? Why this place?

I don't know.

It feels right, somehow.

Is this room gonna be the den?

If I have to sell it, sure.

But I was figuring...

That if I put insulation in the walls...

It'd make a pretty cool studio for your music.

What do you think?

Well, I mean, you been bustin' your ass

to afford recording equipment.

I mean, at least now

we have somewhere to put it, right?

We? Mm-hmm.

[Whispering] You and me, baby...

Till death.

Mrs. Cresswell.

Um... maybe.

I'm Judy.

Well, I'm happy for you, darling.

Oh, no. Judy. Norman's Judy?

The guy interested in your comic books.

You mean my son's.

Mm-hmm. That's right. Your son's comic books.

Um, I was wondering if we could talk about that.

I wasn't very interested

in talking to your husband about them.

Right. And I was just thinking that

maybe it was the way my Norman brought it up

that you didn't like.

You know, men. [Laughs]

And then there was the real nervous one.

He said he was with you, too.

He's a liar,

a terrible, terrible liar.

A bit touched, too, if you ask me.

So, listen, let's talk.

I mean, surely there's a way

we can come to an understanding.

Just us girls, huh?

That's right. Us girls.

[Chuckling]

Ok.

I... i love the garden.

I'm the gardener. Oh, yeah?

I am the gardener.Yeah.

I all but went down on the old bitch.

Nice goin'.

You know, I offered her 15 grand?

Yeah?

And then I upped it to 20.

20 grand? Do we... do we even have that much?

I mean, by that point, I didn't care.

20 grand will keep this rusted old woman until she dies,

and she still turned it down.

All right. It's ok. Good job, sweetie.

Good try. Uhh!

We'll figure somethin' out.

Yeah.

It's ok.

Hey, it's ok. You did a good job.

Mm-hmm.

I mean, at least we're workin' together

like a team.

There was a time when I didn't even think

our marriage was gonna last anymore,

because we didn't have anything in common.

Hey...

The way I feel about you now,

I know that we're gonna make it.

I do.

You know what I feel like?

Closin' early?

That's it, tiger. Talk dirty.

[Cooing]

So, she wouldn't sell?

Uh-uh.

Not to me. Not to Norman.

What are you gonna do?

I don't know, arch. All right?

Norman and his wife are gonna come at her with more money.

I know that. More money, and then more fuckin' money,

'cause that's... That's their style.

I know that much.

Man, you gotta fight fire with fire.

Fight fire with fire?

Who are you, the punisher, all of a sudden?

I don't have any money.

I'm broke. You know that.

No, I don't.

I guess you wouldn't.

Arch, I don't have a nickel to my name.

I'm hangin' on by the short hairs.

The day-to-day comic business is in recession.

Last year was miserable. This year is gonna be worse.

Thank god I don't have a house.

I woulda lost it by now.

But you have loyal customers.

Yeah, so does McDonalds, ok?

But they just got a couple billion more than I do.

You know the counter?

It's gonna cost 400 bucks

to replace or repair that.

I can't... i... i... I don't have 400 bucks.

You know how I was on the roof last week?

The next heavy rain, buckets aplenty

on the floor, my friend. Buckets aplenty.

Well, why don't you just go to Norman,

and maybe you guys could work something out.

No... uh... I don't know.

Man, give it a shot.

Hello. I'm Raymond macgillicuddy.

Hello. Um...

Um... total...

Hello, sworn enemy.

That's a lovely dress that you're wearing.

That... that's a lovely dress.

How do you do?

You're very lovely. And your name is?

I'd like to do some business.

[Hyperventilating]

Waa!

[Passionate moaning]

Judy: Oh, baby, the thought of finding it...

Unh... this treasure... It's exciting.

It makes me wet.

It turns me on. The bed!

No, no, no, no, no. We don't need a bed.

That's right. We don't need a bed.

Up against the wall. I love it that way.

You do?

Oh, fuck me against the wall.

I love being fucked up against the wall.

We never did it against the wall before.

Shut up. You're thinking too much.

Come on.

Oh! Make me come.

I know you can make me come. I can do it.

You can make me come this time.

You hang in there.

You better hang in there! Hang in there!

Who's my fucker?

Who's my little fucker?

I'm your fucker. You're my fucker!

I wanna be your little fucker.

[Doorbell rings]

Hi. I'm Raymond macgillicuddy.

It was, uh, not easy.

We've been across town for so long

and never formally really...

Well, it was a long walk...

Just... just get to your proposal.

Ok, ok.

Well, I think I've thought of a way

in which both of us can benefit

from the lady's collection...

Both?

Uh, all 3 of us.Mm-hmm.

Both parties is what I meant to say.

Norman: How? Well, um...

I don't have any money,

and I can't buy the books, whoa.

What'd you just say? No money?

Yes, I'm coming to you honestly.

I'm com... i'm completely broke.

[Snickers]B-but what i...

What I offer is a knowledge and an expertise

in the books themselves.

I know comics. I know the people.

I know the real value of the books.

And you... you can make a tremendous amount of money,

and I'll help you,

and I don't even want a penny.

Now I've heard everything.

Well, wait.

Have you ever been to San Diego?

Have you been to San Diego... to the convention?

I've been there.

It's the major convention, ok?

And if you go back into the dealers room,

there's a... there's a table on the left,

and it's up against the wall,

and that's where the major players sit.

That's... that's... that's where the celebrity...

The-there's a name that you garner

by sitting at that table,

and I want to take my place among the men

that found the white mountain collection,

the mohawk collection, the winnipeg collection.

I... i... we could do this tonight.

Why, we could decide.

We could have the macgillicuddy/link collection.

I... look, I know... I know who I am,

and I know how people look at me.

I'm not stupid.

But if I could just go to San Diego

and sit down at the table

and have Mike allred come up

or Matt Wagner just pat me on the back...

Have... have gaston dominguez say,

"you... you want the danger trails, 1 through 5?

Go to Raymond macgillicuddy. His are pristine."

If I could just have that quip...

It would all be worth it.

If you allow me that,

my services are yours.

That's...

That's the most pathetic thing I've ever heard.

No money?

Jeez. I mean, you haven't got the money,

get out of dodge.

Honey... my god, and here I am

up all night worrying that he's gonna up the ante

and blow us away.

What I was hoping to offer was...

You sleazy creep... Honey...

Get away from my house.

Honey, there... there's no...

No, no, no, no. Honey?

No.excuse me, i...

Honey? no. No, no, no.

This fly is gonna be in our ointment, he gets involved.

Get him outta here.

I came in a spirit of kindness.

I came in a spirit of fairness.

I told you how hard it was for me to walk up here.

You've been a gentleman.

Your wife has been an animal.

Excuse me? An animal?

Yes, an animal!

I think it's best if you...

I offered an olive branch!

I think it's best that you leave, Raymond.

You know what? It's... i withdraw my offer,

because you don't know comics!

You're a dabbler.

Why don't you go back to your store

and sell your action figures

and your magic cards?!

Now. Now... What's your... what's your...

What's your favorite Mac rad boyrun, huh?

What's your favorite Mac rad boy run?!

You can't tell me. You can't tell me, 'cause you don't know!

You know who knew? Elvis knew.

Elvis knew! Ok.

You dabbler. You dabbler! You magic card seller!

You action figure seller!

There is no need for a commotion.

Oh... oh, I'll make a commotion, all right.

It's too late... Oh, it's not too late.

It's not too late. It's just starting!

For a commotion.

Is this what you sell at your store?

No, you stop!

Don't do it. No! No!

That's my... no! Hey!

Archie: Then for a time, the great adventure

became the great game, or so it seemed to me.

Norman and Judy on one side,

trying to win Mrs. Cresswell's favor...

Aah!

Raymond on the other.

[Hammering]

Back and forth...

[Pained groan]

Back and forth.

[Raymond cries out][Ladder crashes]

Unh!

[Knock on door]

[Norman cries out]

Hi, Mrs. Cresswell. Here are the groceries you wanted.

Well, you're not Raymond. Where's Raymond?

No, I'm Archie.

Um, Raymond had his weekly comic delivery.

He had to be back at his store.

You want the funny books, too, I suppose?

I won't lie. If you're gonna get rid of 'em,

I want Raymond to get them.

Well, that's fair.

What's in it for you?

I'm Raymond's friend.

That's it?

Isn't that enough?

You like funny books, don't you?

Yeah. I guess.

I buy them, and I read them.

Not really as much anymore.

Buy or read.

Why's that?

I don't know.

Um, just lately I've been sorta thinking

that comics aren't the real world. [Gasps]

Like last night, I had on CNN for a while

instead of the cartoon network.

I know that sounds stupid.

Comics aren't the real world?

Now, that's dangerous talk.

[Both chuckling]

That's a nice photo.

That's me and my husband.

We were on our honeymoon.

Spain, in '48.

God, perfect!

Right after world war ii.

'48. Wow.

Why, you interested?

You're not just giving me lip service

like Norman, right?

No, I'm interested.

Do you drink tea?

Yeah, actually, I do.

You remind me so much of my husband.

Really?

No, of course not. No, I guess not.

But you... you have this real pale skin.

It's... yeah, so does half of Sweden.

Um, so Spain, was it nice?

Mmm. It was the only time

that I ever left America.

It was... it was perfect.

It was perfect.

You talked about Spain?

Yeah. And she told me about how her and her husband

went on a trip there once

and spent 2 weeks traveling around.

He even ran with the bulls in Pamplona.

Paloma. what?

That run with the bulls is in Paloma.

Uh, no, ray, I'm pretty sure it's Pamplona.

I mean, who's Paloma?

Isn't that somebody's daughter?

Mm-mmm.

So, when did you get around to talking

about the comic books?

Well, it just...

I didn't feel right about it,

so it just didn't come up.

So, what'd you talk about?

Well, I told you, stuff.

You know, her life.

Stuff?! yeah, stuff.

So you never thought to ask her

if she was comin' around to selling me the books?

Oh, no, I did get around to asking her that much.

And?

No way.

[Heavy sigh]

I've been reading Hemingway.

"Papa" Hemingway.

It's all because of you, you know?

Oh, dear, what have I gone and done now?

It's all that talk about Spain.

The running of the bulls.

You're not reading cliff notes now? No.

Or comic versions?

Wasn't there a comic company that used to adapt books?

Yeah, it was called classics illustrated.

But they did mostly older books,

like, um, h.G. Wells and 3 musketeers.

I bet they could not transport you like Hemingway.

Now, hold on.

There are good and bad writers in all mediums.

Comics are just a different type of storytelling.

You don't really internalize as much. Oh.

Did you like that?

Wow. Internalize.

I think it's probably the first time

I've ever used that word.

[Car door shuts]

Don't you go getting giddy on me.

You know, I didn't realize

that you needed help gardening. I can do that.

Oh, no, that's all right.

Archie's doing great.

He used to help his mother.

Did you know that?

No, I didn't.

Yeah, um, back before she died.

Hmm.

How's Norman?

Recovering.

That was careless of him

not to turn off that fuse box, wasn't it?

[Clears throat]Right.

Well, I'll see you later.

Bye-bye.

She seems upset.

Well, not to worry.

What harm can it do?

Chocolate?

Isn't that boy toy you got her sweet enough?

[Car engine starts]

[Heavy thud]

Archie: God, ray, I'm sorry.

Broken.

Broken in 3 places.

The doctor says I might have

permanent wrist mobility problems.

God, that really sucks.

She said her foot slipped on the accelerator.

Like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure... that happened.

Well, why didn't you tell the police?

I mean, they should at least know about the comics.

No, ok?

I'm not talkin' to the police.

Yeah, but that's like motive...

Nah-uh-uh!

Ok, this is between me and Norman and Judy.

Now, I got my wrist fixed...

But now I'm gonna fix them!

No!

Yes. Who knows what Raymond'll try next?

Why was it that he didn't have me arrested?

I just want to feel safe.

Just tell me that, smarty-pants. No!

Do you understand me? I forbid you, ok? No.

Forbid me? Yeah, right.

What can I do for you?

Deal me in.

I'm the one waving the plastic today.

You need a gun?

No, garden fertilizer.

I understand.

The streets aren't as safe as they used to be.

Yeah, not with her drivin'.

Might I recommend a derringer?

Petite, for a woman's hand or clutch purse.

I thought it was illegal for a guy like you

to use words like petite or clutch purse.

Let's talk high-caliber.

The .45.

Damn it, no. Listen.

If you're gonna get a gun,

at least get a small gun.

I mean, let's be realistic, right?

Why don't you just take a look at this 9 millimeter?

And bullets, of course?

[Pained groan]

[Thunder]

Man: So, I forget which anthology it was in,

but Larry never talks about

how Superman can never even marry Lois.

At least, if he did, he could never screw her.

'Cause he'd have supersperm,

which would never die and be superstrong

and would mess up her insides.

Conan: Well, I gotta think about this.

Why stop there?

I mean, if supes had supersperm,

then he would come in a superspurt.

Who's to say it wouldn't shoot

right out the top of Lois' head?

Yeah, I think he commented on that.

In the book.

The writer talks about how Superman couldn't even jerk off,

because the sperm would have the ability to fly.

'Cause they're tiny versions of him,

and how they'd forever fly around the world

looking for eggs to impregnate.

Archie: And that was what it took.

Heavy rain and buckets aplenty

to make Raymond see...

It was time for desperate measures...

Raymond: Seniors... [Chuckles]

Archie: And desperate men.

[Faint music playing]

What are we doin' here?

Uh, I'm just gonna go see a friend of mine.

Since when did you have friends west of third street?

Never mind, ok? Just...

No. Since when did you have friends west of third street,

who hang out in topless bars?

He's an old friend of mine from high school.

He's a good friend.

So, why are you seeing him now?

What's with all the questions, ok?!

I thought you were my friend.

I asked you to help me.

I need some help right now, ok? Ok.

Will you help me? Ok.

I need help. Help. Help me! Fine. Ok.

What do you want me to do?

Here. I want you to hold this.

What?!

Are you shittin' me, man?!

Look, it's dangerous in there, ok?

And if I come out runnin',

just, uh, fire a shot in the air...

Fire a shot in the air?!

Yeah. Scare 'em.

But what if they don't get scared?

What if they shoot back at me?

Just... just... I'll be back in a minute.

[Dance beat playing]

[Voices inaudible over din]

Hey, Carter.

It's... it's... it's me, Raymond macgillicuddy.

No bells.

Come on, central high spartans,

class of '84. Whoo!

Still no bells.

[Clears throat]

Ain't she sweet?

Oh, yeah. [Chuckles]

That's one sweet piece

of pussy pie right there, huh?

That's my girlfriend.

Uh, um...

So, what do you want?

I haven't seen you here before.

Which is surprising,

'cause I see your kind here all the time.

Well, I don't have that many dollar bills

to throw around, unfortunately.

Which is why I came to see you.

Uh, see, some of the guys and I from high school,

you know, we get to talking and stuff,

and your name pops up, and, uh, you know,

no one really knows much about what's goin' on,

but there are, you know...

There are rumors about you.

Oh, yeah?

Who says what?

Well, it's... Ok, it's not important.

What is... whew. Whoo! Time out.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm remembering now.

I used to beat the crap outta you.

Mackill-a-kiddie. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, macgillicuddy. Cuddy.

Yeah, you used to cry when I hit you.

Kicked you in the balls once, and you fainted.

No, i... i threw up in front of science class,

but, um, hey, bygones be bygones, ok?

'Cause, see, I, uh,

think I've got some work for you. I want... i...

[whispering] I need you to steal something for me.

What's in it for me?

Well, I can't pay you.

Good-bye.

Listen, please. Just give me a moment.

Uh, look... but I'll give you a half...

A half of the profits after resale,

and I'm talkin', like, a lot of cash.

So what's to steal?

Comic books.

Good-bye. no! No, listen!

Just hear me out. Now, don't... don't think...

Forget I said comics.

Don't even think comics. Just think something

worth a lot of money.

Ok, just think... just think the mother lode, ok?

The holy grail of comics.

Just... it's just... it is worth...

God knows what it's worth.

Million dollars, maybe more.

I used to like comics.

So, are you interested?

Do we have a deal, or can we partner on this thing?

What's goin' on?

What did you...

I told you to wait in the car!

Well, I called the bank about that,

and they haven't called back yet.

They haven't called back. You know, you can call again.

Hello, norm. Judy.

Hey.

How's it goin'?

Oh, I'm fine. Fine.

Um, do you have the most recent Neil gaiman hardcover?

Uh, the British edition, not the American.

Oh, well, we had that one, but we're out now.

You're, uh, slow on the uptake. That's not like you.

Well, I didn't think I wanted it,

but I changed my mind.

Well, change is good.

Say, you take your collectin'

pretty seriously, don't ya?

You spend a lot every month.

Every week, practically.

Yeah, between here and Raymond's store,

you must spend every single spare cent, huh?

It's ok. We know about Raymond's store.

We don't really consider

his store competition.

We feel like we offer so much more.

In fact, we like that you go there.

Say, conan, how would you like free comics?

Every week. Gratis.

What would I have to do?

She said she wasn't going to sell.

What was I supposed to do?

Do nothing, man. You shrug your shoulders,

you walk away, and get on with the rest of your life.

Archie, this is my life, all right? This is my life.

And then I saw those beautiful books,

and I saw a way I could finally improve things. Finally.

When?

Tonight.

Don't worry, ok? I told him to be careful

and not hurt your little girlfriend.

Oh. Hi, conan.

Hi, guys.

This is crazy. Those lunatics are gonna steal the books?

That's right. This whole thing

has turned into a sea of madness,

and we're clinging to a buoy.

A boy? You on about having a kid again?

Not a boy. A buoy.

A life buoy.

Oh! Oh.

Now I've lost my train of thought.

Sorry. Sorry.

Clinging to a buoy in a sea of madness.

Mm-hmm.

We can make this simple again.

Why, i... i don't think going in there with a gun

is simple. I don't think so.

We stop the crime.

The old woman sees us do it, and she's grateful.

How can she not be grateful?

Then we offer her the money again.

Why don't we just tell the cops what we know?

Then she'll be grateful to them. Jeez, norm. God.

It's whoever she sees doing her right.

Oh.

This is too dangerous, I think.

If you do this for me, I'll let you smoke a cigarette.

[Constant pneumatic pounding]

Archie: So began the long night of twists and turns.

Though looking back, I still wonder about Carter,

with his violent temper and his damp walls,

why he decided to do what he did...

And how things might have been if he hadn't.

Is there anything I should know about?

What?

You know, is there anything I should know about

about you and the old lady?

Is there anything, like, Harold and maude goin' on or somethin'?

Gross! No. We're just friends.

Look, i... hey! I'm not saying, you know,

it would be wrong if there was.

It's just, uh...

You know, far be it for me to judge.

The heart wants what the heart wants.

You're creeping me out.

Oh, I'm creeping youout?

I'm not the one doin' an old lady.

I'm not doin' the old lady, ok? She's my friend.

We hang out. We talk about Spain.

Whatever you say, Romeo. It's just...

You don't seem happy about this whole thing.

I'm ecstatic about it.

Just remember, it's for the best.

The best. The best for who, ray?

Jesus. Do you give a shit

what I think about anything?

No, you don't!

I'm like an accessory to you.

Jesus!

Carter is half an hour late.

We got here 15 minutes early.

I am sick of this shit.

Look, ok. If you're so sick of this shit,

why don't you just go home, back to your 4 walls and a microwave?!

Is that what you want?

Archie... come on.

Ray.

Did you say that Carter drove a blue truck?

You did, right? Blue? Yeah.

I think I see it parked behind

Mrs. Cresswell's house.

What?

I completely understand.

I'd be mad, too, if I was being robbed.

But, uh... You know,

it's kinda like a roller coaster ride.

There's nothin' you can do,

except hang on and hope.

It's a nice house you got here, by the way.

Are you going to kill me?

I haven't decided yet.

But I like this town.

And, uh...

You identifying me, you can imagine.

I'm an old woman. I forget things.

Oh, yeah. That's right.

You're the, uh...

You're the drooling, old, senile type, aren't you?

Who you trying to fool?

Your voice is clear, your eyes are sharp,

and this house doesn't have that, uh,

that stale piss smell most old folks' places do.

Yeah, you're one smart little cookie, aren't you?

I tell you what I'm gonna do.

These are the last of the boxes.

I'm gonna load 'em up into my truck, and, uh...

And then I'll make up my mind. All right?

Aah! Aah!

Freeze!

Mrs. Cresswell, are you ok?

You're late.

Oh, yeah? Well, look who's early.

I figured you'd see my truck and follow me in.

Oh.

Thank you, god. I'm so relieved. I just...

Raymond, did you hear what he just said?

He might kill Mrs. Cresswell.

Yeah, I thought you... I thought you might

wanna pull a double cross.

Oh, I am.

So you're gonna kill all 3 of us then?

No, you two can walk.

You'd be implicated if you talked, and, uh...

Believe me, you and jail time

would be an uneasy union.

Now you can turn around

and go back out the way you came.

Not without Mrs. Cresswell.

I'm not goin' anywhere without those comics.

Because i... i... i would rather be dead

than leave without those comics.

Suit yourself.

I've got the gun.

So do I.

Hold it! Drop your gun!

Uh, uh, you, drop the gun!

Drop the gun, you motherfucking asshole!

Rawr!

Finally...

Someone here who speaks my lingo.

Get away from the comic books!

Now you! Drop your gun!

Drop your fucking gun!

No! No! No! Those are mine!

Those are mine, goddamn it! They're not yours!

And him, him I might have listened to.

But not you, you bitch!

Oh, what are you smiling at?

Nothing. It's just that I thought

I was dealing with fools.

Well, now you see differently, my friend.

No, I don't.

P-P-Put the gun down.

Archie: Come on, ray. What are you doin'?

We're not gunmen. We're comic book collectors.

Archie's right. This is myhome.

And I want you out of here.

Mrs. Cresswell.

Put the... put the gun... oh!

Baby!

Baby, are you ok?

You shot me!

Are you ok?

Here, Mrs. Cresswell.

Oh, god. Are you ok?

Raymond, call an ambulance.

I have to go after Carter. He's got most of the books. You coming?

She is bleeding to death! Call 911!

She's dying, Archie, all right? There's nothin' you can... she... she's done.

You motherfucker.

I'm goin'. Now, are you comin' with me?

Are you with me?!

Judy: Aw, shoot.

Baby, can you walk?

Yeah.

Aah!

You're such a big boy. Let's go, baby.

Call 911. I can't leave her.

I'm trying to stop the bleeding.

You can walk, you think?

I am begging you! It is not too late!

It is for her. That bitch should have sold while she could.

You ok?

Do you know how to get to the hospital from here?

Yeah, honey, but we're not goin' there,

not yet. You're ok.

No, I'm hurt!

I know, but you're on your feet. You'll live,

and if we get these comics, you'll live well.

You and me.

What?

Mrs. Cresswell, I need you to hold your own stomach.

I've got to get to the phone.

No. No. No. Don't leave me.

I'm...

Done.

Why didn't you just sell?

To one or the other. It would have been so simple.

Oh, god.

My son wasted...

Himself collecting.

He never truly lived his life.

But they were his things. And, uh...

I miss him so much.

Listen to me.

I want you to take the...

The funny books...

That that...

Motherfucker left behind.

I want you to go to my...

My son's room.

And in the closet.

He didn't just collect funny books.

Mrs. Cresswell,

if only I would have just told ray...

Hush!

I am... I was...

Getting bored anyway.

[Dance beat playing]

[Playing chords]

Hey, kiki.

[Glass breaks]

Norman: Hey, be quiet.

Judy: It's a little late for that.

Besides, who's around at this hour?

Normal, careful of glass.

Ow!

Oh, shit.

Are you ok?

Now I'm bleeding in 2 places!

All right, honey. Well, look for a rolodex,

anything that might have Carter's address,

a phone number, even.

What a palace.

Ow.

Come on, honey.

Found it.

This oughta do. Yeah, this'll do.

It was hard, 'cause there was all the...

The power tools and saws and...

I mean, are you fucking the hardware guy?

Is it Carter's?

Yeah?

Yeah, I pretty much figured he was a handy kinda guy.

Where is he?

I don't know.

You have such a beautiful body.

I saw you at the club dancing that day.

You were so graceful.

But not when you spread your legs.

That was... that was obscene.

That was unnecessary.

Don't like guys like me, do you?

What's it take? Does it take money?

I've got money. I've got some money.

You know what I could do to you with this hammer?

You wouldn't dance anymore.

Where's Carter?

I don't know.

You're lying.

See, I wish I could have a girl like you...

Beautiful and loyal.

I'd treat you good.

Oh, god.

I wouldn't let you dance naked for men.

He's not worth it.

If I was your man, I wouldn't let you be here all alone.

Where is he?

I don't know. I don't know.

Don't lie to me! Don't fucking lie to me!

Don't fucking lie to me!

I hate girls like you!

Where is he?!

I don't know!

Anything yet?

No.

All right, keep looking.

See, I'm startin' to feel dizzy.

Listen, we'll go to the hospital soon, lover, ok?

I feel tingly.

Soon. Just search the counter.

It's the first place I looked.

Keep looking!

Maybe I'll...

Look underneath. Maybe something fell underneath.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

What is it?!

The counter! I think it broke my foot!

Oh, aah! Honey!

Come on, honey. Just try and wiggle it free.

No! No... aah! No wiggling!

Please, just wiggle. I'm pinned.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Put that fire out.

That could spread.

I think I saw a fire extinguisher.

Hurry up, honey! It's starting to spread!

Ow!

I'm coming, honey!

Damn it! I'm stuck!

Aah!

Damn lazy bastard didn't keep the pressure up.

Hey, I'm really stuck, Judy.

Shit. Honey, the line is dead.

All right, I'm gonna try freeing you again, baby.

Come on.

It's really starting to get hot, Judy. Hurry up.

Ok. I have to find a pay phone, ok? Ok.

No. No. No. Don't leave me here!

If you leave me, I'll burn.

It's really getting hot, Judy! I don't wanna burn!

I don't wanna burn, Judy!

Oh, please.

[Gunshot]

[Gun clatters]

[Cocks gun]

Oh, I'm sorry. Am I interrupting you? Reading by the fire?

You fucking weirdo!

Back in high school, you were so mean.

Weren't you, lone wolf?

You used to scare the jocks shitless.

But you always liked comic books.

See, that part, that part I should've remembered.

Used to have quite a collection.

Yeah. You used to take most of mine.

So, how'd you find me?

Oh, your girlfriend kiki.

I went down by the club, and she gave me a little dance.

We got to talking, and I asked, and she told me.

What are you reading?

Avengers#4.

First modern appearance of captain America.

I know.

That's $1,000 book you got there. You better be careful.

The moisture from your fingertips

is devaluing it as we speak.

Where's the rest of the books?

Still in the truck.

Catch my breath.

You know, as I was drivin' over here,

I began remembering reading comic books back when, and, uh...

All the facts and figures...

About superpowers,

secret identities

we took the time to memorize.

That some of us still do.

Sometimes I think if I woulda spent

just an eighth of the time studying,

say, physics equations, rather than comic book trivia,

I'd probably have won the nobel prize. Huh?

Hmm.

So, uh...

Kiki just gave me up, huh?

She didn't even lie. She said, "oh, Carter?

Oh, yeah. I'll tell you where he is."

Sorry.

So...

What now?

What now?

I have a gun. Ok?

And my hand's not shaking anymore.

Not now.

And I want your gun.

What gun?

Don't fuck with me!

I see you have a gun right there!

In the back of your pants, Carter.

Aah! Ah! Ah! Ah ha ha! Ha! Slowly!

Toss it.

Ok, up. Let's go.

Why don't you lead?

Ok. You're the boss.

Watch that cable.

[Motor starts]

[Nail gun firing]

Motherfucker.

Aah! Aah!

Aah!

Aw.

Macgillicuddy fall down.

Ungh!

Ha!

[Slams against door]

Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Son of a bitch!

What the fuck are you doin'?!

Carter: Son of a bitch! Aah!

[Honks horn]

Aw, shit!

Jesus!

Son of a bitch!

You son of a bitch!

If you'd only done as I asked, we'd both be rich.

But no! No!

See, I would have been somebody.

But you...

[Gasps for air]

Who... who... who were you gonna sell 'em to, huh?

They're comics, you ass!

[Raspy voice] I remember them from when I was a kid.

I didn't need you.

Oh! Ok! Oh, yeah!

You're a fucking encyclopedia about comics.

You're the oracle of delphi on comics! Please! Please!

First appearance of Superman.

Uh, action comics#1.

Everyone knows that.

Batman.

Uh... detective comics27.

Spider-man.

Uh, spider man#1.

Uh-uh.

Oh, wait. Wait. Uh, uh...

Amazing fantasy15.

Golden age flash.

Flash comics#1.

Silver age flash.

Showcase4.

Uh, uh, the human torch.

Human torch... Fantastic four#1.

No! I am talking about the 1940's torch.

Oh. Oh. Uh...

Marvel mystery#1.

Wonder woman.

Wonder woman. Wonder woman. Wonder woman.

Sensation1.

Ahh! Wrong!

No. No. Wait. I'm right.

It's definitely sensation1.

Wrong! Wrong!

Well, it's not wonder woman#1,

if that's what you're thinking.

What are you trying to do?

Are you trying to insult me?

Do you think I'm stupid?

I'm standing here before you. You think I'm stupid?

Wonder woman first appeared in all star8,

a justice society backup story.

So either you're trying to patronize me,

or you're trying to fuck with me,

or you're trying to get yourself killed.

And, by the way, you're doing a very good job.

No, wait.

And the bullets didn't even bounce off your chest.

Hi.

Who is it?

It's me, ray macgillicuddy

what do you want?

Some polite conversation.

Drink?

Yeah.

I don't drink.

I don't smoke.

Ok.

Come on. Come on.

My store's on fire.

It was an accident.

It's ok.

It's ok. These things happen.

I killed a man tonight.

Me, too.

Did yours deserve it?

Yes. Yes, he did.

Did yours?

Remember that feeling?

That feeling when the hunt became everything.

Just the comics and us hating you

and you hating us.

And food and sex and deep breaths,

everything felt better.

I remember food tasting really good.

All because of comic books.

It was rude to run you over.

Yeah. I oughta...

I oughta get ya for that one! Aah!

Whoo!

Oh!

My ride's here.

I gotta go.

I've got nothing left, and I've got no reason to stay.

Are you comin'?

Ah, the store's open late.

If they come in, maybe they'll buy something.

It's a nice shop.

[No audio]

Archie: Summer was a hot one that year.

It came about a month later,

hotter than hell.

All the worse for the guys I knew.

They had to make the trek to the next town

for their comic books now,

with Raymond dead and Judy in jail.

It made me sad so few of Raymond's customers

came to his funeral.

You'd have thought he mattered more to people,

but I guess he knew better,

especially at the end.

When the town did get a new comic store,

it made sense who'd run it.

Conan's mom had money.

I just never guessed how much.

Not that I cared by then. I had money, too.

And I was long gone.

I'd done what Mrs. Cresswell had told me.

I looked in her son's closet and found baseball cards.

Robinson, koufax, mays, mantle,

and a million other names I never even heard of...

Together worth more than even the comic books.

The thing is,

I don't like baseball...

So I sold them.

Does that make me as bad as the others?

I don't know. I don't know.

But at least I did something

with the money,

like I think Mrs. Cresswell would have wanted.

After all that had happened,

life and the living of it seemed too fleeting

to waste in one place...

Or on arguing whether Superman

was stronger than the hulk.

So I traveled.

First America, then Europe...

Really taking my time at each place

learning and growing,

but always knowing where I'd eventually settle down.

Barcelona.

They have comics here, too.

But I can't understand them.