Original subtitles

Shh.

(KEYS JANGLE) (LAUGHTER)

Come on. (SNORTS WITH LAUGHTER)

Shh. OK.

(DOOR SLAMS) Oh!

(LAUGHS, SNORTS) Shh!

(SNORTS) Shh!

(SNORTS)

(SNORTS) (WHISPERS) Come on.

(WHISPERS) Come on.

(BANG!) Oh! Sorry.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Oh! Sorry.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Alright. Shh.

(POTS CLATTER AND CRASH)

(POTS CLATTER AND CRASH) Argh! Argh!

Argh! Argh!

Argh. Oh!

Oh, Arthur. (BOTH LAUGH)

For years I sat by the side of that cricket oval,

and never once saw you hit anything out of the middle of that bat.

Is that Arthur? Yeah.

I thought it was Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson.

I thought it was You've filled out, Artie.

You've filled out, Artie.

Yeah, what are you two doing here?

I thought you guys were staying at the hotel tonight.

Oh, they messed up our reservation. After they took our money.

I put the whole thing on my platinum credit card,

and they claim they have no record of it.

and they claim I say we go back tomorrow,

I say we go back tomorrow,

and we leave a tape recorder screaming, "HELP!"

at the bottom of their laundry chute.

(LAUGHS) (LAUGHS, SNORTS)

(LAUGHS) Ooh! We have booze.

Ooh! We have booze.

That's olive oil.

Oh.

Ah.

(BURPS) It might soften some of that bread I ate.

Oh!

You two stink of cigarettes.

Why is that every time you catch up for your nurse's college reunion,

you turn into a pair of Keith Richards?

Are you implying that I'm a bad influence on your mother?

Are you implying that Because guilty as charged.

Because guilty as charged.

(LAUGHS)

(MUSIC PLAYS)

I love this, whatever it is.

Oh, don't be a no-party Artie!

Yeah, no-party Artie!

That's you!

It's the middle of the night!

And you know It's the middle of the night!

And you know I have a job interview tomorrow.

And you know Oh, boo.

Oh, boo.

Job in Melbourne.

Coffee snob in the making.

Remote job, not actually in Melbourne.

Now, Heather, there's a bed in the spare room

Now, Heather, there's if you want to stay the night, OK?

if you want to stay the night, OK?

But for now the party is over.

Goodnight.

(WHISPERS) Did we miss the party? Don't worry about him.

(WHISPERS) Did we miss the party? (TURNS ON MUSIC)

(TURNS ON MUSIC)

This is our song!

Right now it's the whole neighbourhood's song!

(CLATTER ON ROOF)

Great. And now you've got Chong throwing ball bearings on the roof.

He hasn't done that since my 18th, Mum.

Oh, how life has come in full circles.

(CLATTER ON ROOF)

(MUSIC STOPS)

(CLATTER ON ROOF) Fun's over.

Bedtime, both of you.

(CLATTER ON ROOF)

(LABOURED GUITAR CHORDS)

Where did they get a guitar from?!

BOTH: (BADLY) # She said I'm not (MIXED UP LYRICS)...

BOTH: (BADLY) # She said # Watch you slowly die

# Watch you slowly die

# I'm walking out the door

# Out the door

# Out the door... #

(SNORING)

(SNORES)

Maya.

Argh!

God! Oh!

Did we...?

No. No, we didn't.

Oh, thank God.

(SNORES)

(TEASPOON CLINKS LOUDLY)

Oh, Heather. Heather!

My head.

It's your head I'm thinking about. (GROANS)

Cheers.

Up your bum.

Mm. Ah.

Takes you back to nurse's college, eh?

Takes you back to nurse's college, Oh, no, thanks.

Oh, no, thanks.

I've decided not to go back to nurse's college.

Good morning!

Again.

How are you so chirpy?

Oh! That's how.

Yeah, nah, don't think Oh! That's how.

Yeah, nah, don't think I'm going to get wasted

Yeah, nah, don't think before my Zoom interview, thank you.

before my Zoom interview, thank you.

Hey, doesn't chilli give you reflux?

It's not mine. It's Heather's.

You BYO hot sauce?

Always looking for a way to spice up life, Arthur.

Now, what's that job you're interviewing for?

Most boring 30-something in Australia?

Oh, he's already CEO of that company.

(BOTH LAUGH)

(MOCK LAUGHS)

Director of Digital Lifestyle

at a media start-up called Yaunch, thank you very much.

at a media start-up called Yaunch, Yaunch?

Yaunch?

Sounds like someone throwing up.

I was lucky to even get an interview after what happened in Canberra.

Why? What happened in Canberra? Oh, do you want to tell her?

Oh, look we marched with racists.

We marched with racists. Yeah.

(BURPS)

Pick the bones out of that.

And when will you be leaving us today, Heather?

She's not. Excuse me?

No. Maggie told me about that horrible family

No. Maggie told me who stole your restaurant.

who stole your restaurant.

We figured we might pay them a visit.

We figured we might Nobody stole our restaurant. OK?

Nobody stole our restaurant. OK?

We begged the landlord to end the lease on compassionate grounds.

Oh, history is written by the victors, Arthur.

Do not believe the "facts".

That's right. We're gonna go and sort those arse hats out.

I'll drive. Ah, no won't.

Hey!

No. You're not going to the restaurant. OK?

Give me my keys back right now. That car's my life.

Give me my keys back right now. Whoa-whoa. Calm down.

Whoa-whoa. Calm down.

I can smell the DUI from here.

Right, when you sober up I will give you the keys back.

But until then I do need you both out of the house,

so how about I drive you to the movies?

Come on.

Two and a half hours of Helen Mirren awaits.

Two and a half hours of Helen Mirren Let's go. Let's go. Let's...

Let's go. Let's go. Let's...

Maya.

Arthur.

How was the restaurant opening?

It was good. Yeah.

Although someone's already given us It was good. Yeah.

Although someone's already given us one star on Goggle

Although someone's already given us because our lemongrass chicken

because our lemongrass chicken

didn't have any lemon or actual grass.

didn't have any lemon (BOTH CHUCKLE)

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

I really wanted to come along, but...

You had to drop your car back to the ex-girlfriend

that you never actually technically broke up with.

Nah. I get it.

For the record, there's no doubt Nah. I get it.

For the record, there's no doubt surrounding our status anymore.

I'm sorry to hear that, Arthur.

Anyway, I'd better get back.

I picked up the wrong box,

and Chong's, you know, he's really cranky today.

and Chong's, you know, I don't know, maybe he's just tired.

I don't know, maybe he's just tired.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I can't imagine why.

Ah, hey. Um...

Let me know if you ever want to hang out.

Let me know Just as friends.

Just as friends.

Ah, jeez. I dunno.

I mean, aren't you the guy from the race march in Canberra?

Alright. Come on, you two.

Our lord and saviour, Ms Mirren, awaits. Let's go.

There you go.

Oh, you didn't have to buy our movie tickets, Arthur.

I could have put them on my platinum credit card.

Consider this a worthwhile investment into my sanity, Heather.

Consider this a worthwhile Now, you are in Cinema 2.

Now, you are in Cinema 2.

So, I shall meet you back here in exactly three hours.

So, I shall meet you back here Can I get a Choc Top?

Can I get a Choc Top?

We have Neapolitan and Ice Magic at home, Mum.

Now, come on just go.

Alright. Come on. Is the movie over?

We're not going to the movie, Maggie,

we're going to reclaim what's rightfully yours.

Yes!

Wait, are we still talking about Choc Tops?

Hey, Liz.

Is Robbie not with you? She said she was here.

Ah, nope. Not with me.

Well, has she taken your mother out or...?

Well, has she taken your mother out I don't know.

I don't know.

Ah. You know what, she might have now that I think about it.

You don't have to cover for her, Arthur. I found the texts.

You don't have to cover for her, Robbie's confessed to everything.

Robbie's confessed to everything.

OK, yeah. She's not with Mum. I don't know where she is.

OK, yeah. She's not with Mum. But that doesn't mean anything.

But that doesn't mean anything.

I mean, she might be But that doesn't mean anything.

I mean, she might be on her way here now.

Look, I know you two are struggling,

but affairs happen and people make it through.

Affairs?

What are you talking about?

You said you found the texts.

About the loans.

Texts about the debt Robbie's put us in.

Yeah. That's what I'm talking about too.

When I said 'affairs' I meant financial affairs.

Oh, thanks for dropping by. I've got a job interview.

You listen to me, Arthur.

We're gonna go inside right now, You listen to me, Arthur.

We're gonna go inside right now, we're gonna sit down,

and you are gonna tell me everything you know.

Now, I've thrown in an extra rice paper roll,

because we all know that one serve is never enough.

Thanks.

Maggie. Hi.

It's nice to see you.

I'm assuming you want bragging rights over Arthur?

Don't give us "nice to see you". This is Maggie's restaurant.

Which table do these go to? Oh, I'll take those for you, Maggie.

She's not here to do your job, she's here to reclaim what's hers.

This is Leo's Feelgood African Restaurant

This is not some glorified sandwich shop.

not some glorified sandwich shop.

(GASPING)

Maggie. My teapot.

This is an antique teapot from Ha Long Bay.

This is an antique teapot Spare us the guilt trip, buddy.

Spare us the guilt trip, buddy.

Who, are you? Spare us the guilt trip, buddy.

Who, are you? What's going on in here?

What's going on is you're handing this place back to Maggie right now.

Urgh. Mocktail.

Oh, Leo would be turning in his grave.

Heather, what are we doing here?

We're not budging, that's what we're doing.

Well, then, you owe me $200 for the teapot,

and $12 for the Shirley Temple you just drank.

and $12 for the Shirley Temple You think I can't afford a teapot?

You think I can't afford a teapot?

Your pockets may hold money,

but if your heart holds no honour, then you have nothing.

but if your heart holds no honour, Dad.

Dad.

I don't need arse hats like you to tell me what I do and don't have.

I don't need arse hats like you Please leave now.

Please leave now.

You too.

I'm sorry, everyone. I apologise.

Please enjoy some free spring rolls on the house.

Come on, Maggie. I'll give you a lift home.

I've got to drop a box to Chong anyway.

He said something about free spring rolls on the house?

Total misunderstanding.

My mum just misread a sign Total misunderstanding.

My mum just misread a sign at the gallery,

and then suddenly I'm this black guy in a racism parade storm.

I mean, it was... It's kind of funny when you think about it.

Racism is never funny. Ever.

Yeah. I mean, well, Racism is never funny. Ever.

Yeah. I mean, well, comedy is tragedy plus time,

so, actually, all racism will eventually be funny.

Um, so when I said it's "kinda funny",

Um, so when I said I meant one day.

I meant one day.

Well, what did you learn from this obviously awful experience?

Um, yeah.

I got a surprising amount of matches on the dating apps,

I got a surprising amount of matches which was confusing.

which was confusing.

But that's actually what I was hoping

my first piece with you guys could be about.

I go on a date with an actual racist.

I mean, sure the first half of the date would be intense,

I mean, sure the first half you know, but after that, who knows?

you know, but after that, who knows?

I would happily sell out my entire race

for a little bit of human affection right now.

That's black and white people.

Yeah. No. We appreciate that vulnerability.

Yeah. No. We appreciate There's a lot of power in it.

There's a lot of power in it.

Well, look thank you.

We'll take some time Well, look thank you.

We'll take some time to process everything, and...

Oh, it looks like you've got company.

We can let you go.

Um, hmm?

Is someone...? Is someone...? No. No. No. I don't think so.

Is someone...? Is someone...? I'm here all alone.

I'm here all alone.

So, thank you again.

I've got the mallet, Heather.

Let's go get those awful people I've got the mallet, Heather.

Let's go get those awful people at the Vietnamese restaurant.

What was that?

Arthur, when did you get home?

You did that on purpose. Did what?

Ruined my interview.

What interview?

Arthur, you have to stop speaking in riddles.

Oh, well, that's a bit rude.

Clunking about Oh, well, that's a bit rude.

Clunking about while Heather's trying to rest.

You should think of other people, Arthur.

I can't do this anymore. Oh, I get it.

I can't do this anymore. You're off to see that horrible girl.

You're off to see that horrible girl.

Stop. Just stop, Mum.

I'm going to Melbourne.

You got the job? No. Probably not.

But anywhere is better than this hellhole.

You think this is bad, wait till you try Melbourne.

You don't get it, do you?

It's this house, Mum. I am dying here.

I need to get out.

Away from you, away from tip-toeing around the place where Dad died,

away from Dee, away from all of this shit.

Arthur Boye.

You're sounding like that terrible man down at the restaurant,

who was very rude to us when Heather was yelling at him.

who was very rude to us You went to the restaurant?

You went to the restaurant?

After I specifically told you not to go to the restaurant.

That man wasn't rude, Maggie, he was right.

I've got nothing.

(SOBS)

ROBBIE: Where's Arthur?

Where the hell, is he? Come on. Show yourself.

Can we do this later, Robbie? We've got a lot going on right now.

Whoa, is there anything in this head of yours, baby bro?

You told Liz I was having an affair?

What's this about affairs?

Why would you say something so horrid, Arthur?

Oh, whoever's in charge of this simulation.

I'm begging you, pull the plug, please.

I'm begging you, You totally screwed me, Arthur.

You totally screwed me, Arthur.

Liz says she wants me out of the house.

Liz says she wants me Great. Welcome home.

Great. Welcome home.

You can have my bed, because I'd prefer to sleep in a park

than have to put up with both of your crazies.

(SHOUTS FROM THE OTHER ROOM) You don't mean that.

Is that Heather in your bed?

Did you...? No.

Did you...? God no.

God no.

Hey. I'm like a fine cut of veal, thank you very much.

You need to call Liz and make this right.

What do you want me to do, Robbie?

Create a world where you don't have sex with other women?

Sex with who? It's fine, Mum.

Yes, that's exactly what I want you to do.

Yes, that's exactly Call her.

Call her.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Sorry. I just tried to drop off Chong's box,

Sorry. I just tried but he wasn't answering.

but he wasn't answering.

And I looked through the window, and I think he's collapsed.

I've already called an ambulance. OK.

Heather. Come on. Chong's collapsed.

Chop-chop. Ow.

I said chop-chop. What are you doing?

Chong's collapsed. He needs a nurse. Come on.

Stop it. Isn't your daughter a doctor?

She's a cosmetic surgeon. She can't do anything.

Well, you're a nurse. She's a cosmetic surgeon. She can't do anything.

Well, you're a nurse.

You're a better nurse than me. You always have been. You go.

I can't, Heather.

It's my brain.

It doesn't make sense sometimes.

Everything I need to know is right here,

but when I grab for it, it just slips away.

Like a watermelon seed on the kitchen floor.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'm a liar.

I tell so many lies I can barely keep track of them.

I took your hotel money last night and kept it. I never paid.

I took your hotel money last night That's not true.

That's not true.

You've got that gold Master platinum card thingy.

You've got that I don't have a Master platinum card.

I don't have a Master platinum card.

I don't even have a seniors card.

I haven't got a postal address. I don't even have a seniors card.

I haven't got a postal address. I'm living out of my car.

Is that why you always have the tabasco sauce? Ha.

I thought it was because you like Mexican on the run.

(SIGHS)

You know when Phil left me, I don't even know what happened.

You know when Phil left me, Everything just seemed to fall away.

Everything just seemed to fall away.

I'm homeless. Imagine. At my age.

And I lie. I steal from my friends.

I fight with everyone. I don't even know what I'm fighting about.

Oh, look, I'm no good to you, Maggie. I'm no good to anyone.

Rubbish.

Who cares whether you live in a car, or on the second moon of Jupiter?

You are a bloody brilliant nurse, Heather,

and right now the world needs you to go and save an unpleasant old man.

Now, come on. Oh, God.

Alright.

Put your pants on.

Hey. Chong.

Chong. It's me, Arthur.

I was playing the music last night.

I played it extra loud just to annoy you.

OK, no. This must be really serious here. Sorry.

Arthur. Arthur, it's locked. OK. Well, step back.

Whoa-whoa-whoa, that's breaking and entering.

Well, you do it, OK? You took an oath.

I can't go breaking into Chong's house and laying hands on him.

That opens me to up to all sorts of liability.

Does your malpractice insurance cover that? Because mine doesn't.

That can't be right, not if we're trying to help him.

Oh, we live in an unjust system Maya.

Wait. Are you letting Chong die so you can buy his house?

Baby bro, you better put those words back in your mouth

before I put them there for you.

You want to turn Chong's house before I put them there for you.

You want to turn Chong's house into a development

so you're just going to let him die.

That is a serious allegation, Arthur,

and you can't afford the lawyers that I can afford.

OK, guys, guys. Chong needs our help now.

You heard her. Come on. Help.

This is why we wait for emergency services.

Everyone. Everyone. Out of the way. Stand back.

Everyone. Everyone. Out of the way. Oh.

Oh.

Hold this. Good.

Now it's got your DNA all over it.

These are all the Christmas cards we've given Chong over the years.

We're the closest thing to family he's got.

Shallow breathing.

Skin's got a bluish hue.

Mmm. Pneumothorax.

If his lung's collapsed we need to wait for the ambulance.

Could be too long. Has anyone got a pen?

A pen? Heather, it's 2023.

In his hand. Oh, good girl, Maya.

Artie, we might need those Dwayne Johnson muscles over here.

Artie, we might need those Me?

Me?

Aim for the fourth and fifth intercostal space.

Aim for the fourth and fifth See, you do remember.

See, you do remember.

OK. When I say push, give it all you've got.

Wait sorry what? Push!

Wait sorry what? (GASPS)

(GASPS)

Fluid's draining.

You might want to move your joggers.

He's gonna be OK.

Oh. Yeah.

Oh. Whoa. steady there, Mr Hero.

Whoa. steady there, Mr Hero.

Just so everyone's clear, I wasn't involved in any of this.

For pneumothorax you really have to act on the spot.

For pneumothorax you really Be decisive. Focused.

Be decisive. Focused.

Luckily, the old basic training kicks in.

Credit where credit's due, Heather. I reckon you saved Chong's life.

Credit where credit's due, Heather. Maybe I'm still good for something.

Maybe I'm still good for something.

You weren't so bad yourself, Arthur, except when you almost fainted.

You weren't so bad yourself, Arthur, Oh, Arthur's always been a fainter.

Oh, Arthur's always been a fainter.

You should have seen him

the first time You should have seen him

the first time he watched his own birthing video.

the first time Gurg.

Gurg.

Mum.

It was an extreme close-up, like...

Oh, whatever.

(ALL LAUGH)

And the old medical training kicks in,

And the old medical training and people do what they have to do.

and people do what they have to do.

I mean, poor old Chong.

I guess he won't be able to stay I mean, poor old Chong.

I guess he won't be able to stay in the house by himself now,

I guess he won't be able to stay he'll have to sell.

he'll have to sell.

It's Liz.

Something like this shakes you up.

Makes you think about what really matters,

and for me, that's you and the kids.

I'd love that too.

OK. See you soon. Love you too, baby.

She wants me to come over to talk.

I don't know why you worry She wants me to come over to talk.

I don't know why you worry about anything, Robbie.

Name one thing that hasn't worked out for you.

Name one thing Could have gotten a better brother.

Could have gotten a better brother.

Jokes. Bye, Mum.

Later, all.

Oh, and if Liz calls in the next hour, tell her I just left.

Oh, and if Liz calls in the next I have to talk to the paramedics

I have to talk to the paramedics

about their mouth to mouth technique.

Are you serious?

Have you ever tried to bring a marriage back to life?

Have you ever tried to bring Mmm.

Mmm.

Anyway, I've got to get back to the restaurant.

Dad's gonna be losing it already.

He's older than he lets on. You know how it is.

Sounds like he could use a helping hand.

I'll take that, darl.

There you go, Maya.

Still got it, Maggie.

In your dreams, buddy.

Oh, broth might need a bit more ginger, Tony.

Arthur, I promise, one more word and it will be you in that pot.

Thanks for coming, everyone.

The jalapeno pineapple margaritas are on me.

(TO HER DOOR by PAUL KELLY PLAYS)

I just, ah, I wanted to apologise to the two of you.

Maggie, I'm really sorry I took your hotel money.

Maggie, I'm really sorry Oh, consider it forgotten.

Oh, consider it forgotten.

She means that. Literally.

And, Artie, I'm really sorry I mucked up your job interview

And, Artie, I'm really sorry so you can't run away to Melbourne.

so you can't run away to Melbourne.

I was not running away.

It's fine. I forgive you.

(GASPS) Aww...

Thanks, Artie.

I'll drop by again soon. OK?

We'll be quiet. I promise.

No. You won't. No. We won't.

Heather's gonna be Chong's live-in carer.

She gets a roof over her head, and he gets to stay at home.

Wow.

Robbie is gonna love that.

(CHUCKLES)

Make you a cup of tea, Mum?

That would be lovely thank you, Arthur.

Hey.

By the way, I FaceTimed the Yaunch offices this morning.

By the way, I FaceTimed And I explained about Heather,

And I explained about Heather,

and I also got Maya to promise them

that our family definitely doesn't hate Vietnamese people,

and they have offered me the job.

Which is not in Melbourne.

Oh.

So, I guess that means you're gonna stay here

and mooch off me for a bit longer, does it?

I guess that's what it means.

Plus I'm also taking Maya out to dinner.

Plus I'm also As friends but, there's that too.

As friends but, there's that too.

You know I would be fine As friends but, there's that too.

You know I would be fine here by myself

You know I would be fine if you did move to Melbourne.

if you did move to Melbourne.

One thing Heather showed me was that I could stand on my own two feet.

Oh, Mum.

That's great.

'Cause tomorrow I am going to check out

some two-bedroom apartments in Melbourne.

some two-bedroom apartments Sounds lovely.

Sounds lovely.

Hey, why don't I make Sounds lovely.

Hey, why don't I make the cup of tea, Arthur?

I think the gas will still be on from earlier.

I think the gas Now, where did I put those matches?

Now, where did I put those matches?

Very funny, Mum.

(GAS HISSING)

Muuuuuuum.

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation