Original subtitles

(BIRDS TWITTER, FOLIAGE RUSTLES)

(RIDER RINGS BELL) Oh! Oh!

(YELLS) That's not why they call it 'fast food', fangster!

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)

(CAR HORN BEEPS)

(CAR HORN BEEPS)

Mum, it's me!

Where's Arthur? Why aren't you answering my calls?

Where's Arthur? Because you're stalking me.

Because you're stalking me.

We have important things to discuss.

Get in the car, Mum.

I am on my way to the library.

This isn't the way to the library.

I know that.

I'm going the long way round.

You could have at least lured me with a bit of licorice.

(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS)

(SIGHS)

(CAR DOORS SHUT)

There you are!

I just found Mum on the street.

OK.

OK? Just OK?

Well, she's big enough to make OK? Just OK?

Well, she's big enough to make her own decisions, apparently.

Well, she's big enough to make Robbie, can you tell your brother

Robbie, can you tell your brother

that no amount of cologne can cover his reek of desperation?

What on earth is going on with you two?

What on earth Arthur, can you tell your sister

Arthur, can you tell your sister

there is nothing going on between us two?

there is nothing Robbie, can you tell your mother

Robbie, can you tell your mother

that she's mixed up who she's not talking to.

OK, enough.

Can someone please explain why you're both acting like children?

Can someone please explain why Mm.

Mm.

I found condoms in your brother's room.

I found condoms Oh...

Oh...

This is not about condoms, Mum.

First he kept it secret that girl bought your father's restaurant,

now he's backing up his disloyalty with a bang.

I am reviewing Maya's restaurant as a favour.

That doesn't require condoms, Arthur.

Oh, it will when he finishes his review.

Oh, he'll use words like 'tantalising'

Oh, he'll use words to get her all fired up -

to get her all fired up -

that's when he'll need the condoms.

And I bet they do it on your father's bar,

And I bet they do it the one he made with his bare hands.

the one he made with his bare hands.

Do not leave any of your yearnings the one he made with his bare hands.

Do not leave any of your yearnings on his woodwork.

Do not leave any of your yearnings Oh, that's not what this is about.

Oh, that's not what this is about.

Robbie, there is a completely separate issue

that we need to address with our mother.

that we need to address Yes.

Yes.

Mum, you were meant to sign over Yes.

Mum, you were meant to sign over Power of Attorney to us,

and instead you made a new crazy will.

and instead It's not about that!

It's not about that!

Then what is it?

Do you want to tell her?

Tell her what?

Mum wants us to kill her.

I wish you hadn't told me about this, Arthur,

I wish you hadn't it could kill my career.

it could kill my career.

It could kill our MOTHER, Robbie.

How long have you had these pills, Mum?

Oh, well, you saw what happened to your Ma and Pa at the end.

Pa started playing with Arthur's toy robot

before losing his marbles completely,

so, I got them then.

Well, certainly explains why they're past their use-by date.

Oh, we didn't have expiry dates back in my day, Arthur,

Oh, we didn't have expiry dates and everything still worked fine.

and everything still worked fine.

Where did you get them?

Your father.

Oh, good. Our dead Dad's trying Your father.

Oh, good. Our dead Dad's trying to kill our mum. That's great.

Oh, good. Our dead Dad's trying We had an agreement -

We had an agreement -

if either one of us was ever too far gone, we'd help the other out.

if either one of us was ever too far (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

That cheeky bugger bailed on his side of the arrangement.

Well, I can't have anything to do with this.

Arthur, this is in your hands now. You do what you need to do.

Arthur, this is in your hands now. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Let's let the medical professional Oh, yeah, yeah.

Let's let the medical professional step away from this debacle

and allow the glorified blogger to handle it.

and allow the glorified blogger That makes sense.

That makes sense.

Well, I don't need either of you.

They're my pills and I shall do with them as I want.

They're my pills Except...

Except...

..we're getting a bit concerned

about some of the decisions ..we're getting a bit concerned

about some of the decisions you're making, Mum.

about some of the decisions Like bequeathing your whole estate

Like bequeathing your whole estate

to the Cactus and Succulent Appreciation Society.

I've never even seen a cactus in our garden.

Because I've only just started appreciating them.

BOTH: Mum!

We need to do a test.

What for?

I always use protection.

You know what for, Mum.

Yes.

The D-word.

The new fad.

Everyone's doing it.

Here's the thing, Mum -

if you can't pass a cognitive assessment,

then you can't keep these pills.

Bring it on.

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

Oh!

These arguments have given me a headache, I tell you.

No, Mum! Mum! No! Stop!

No, Mum! Mum! No! (LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

You should see your faces.

Honestly, when did this family You should see your faces.

Honestly, when did this family stop being able to take a joke?

Get rid of them, Arthur.

I'm so exciting you're doing a food review before we've even opened.

I'm so exciting you're doing a food (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Oh, yeah, I mean, (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Oh, yeah, I mean, I'm excited to be given the chance.

Yeah, I'm excited you wanted to do it.

Yeah, I'm excited Well, we're both excited.

Well, we're both excited.

(BOTH LAUGH) Sounds like it.

Um... This is our special salad. It's my grandmother's recipe.

Um... This is our special salad. It's bananas.

It's bananas.

Banana salad?

Oh, no, no. The salad's chicken. Banana salad?

Oh, no, no. The salad's chicken. The taste is bananas.

Oh, no, no. The salad's chicken. You know, in the true

You know, in the true

Gwen-Stefani-Asian-appropriation-era sense of the word.

I got ya. My ex was a big fan of that song.

Oh, my God.

This is...

..tantalising.

Oh!

Thank you.

Seriously, wow.

I feel a little bit bad, actually, Seriously, wow.

I feel a little bit bad, actually, because...

..I don't have a blue tick yet,

so, I'm going to hold off posting the review on my socials

until I get verified.

It's just a reach and engagement thing.

But, I did want to say, in the meantime,

I am going to be doing a little radio slot soon,

so, I'm going to give you a shout-out on that.

Oh.

Community radio slot.

Hey, the fact you're willing to have 12 courses

Hey, the fact you're willing before you've even had a coffee

before you've even had a coffee

is sweet enough for me.

Um...

Hey, so, uh...what are you doing with the decor?

Hey, so, uh...what are you doing Oh, I mean, this is pretty much it.

Oh, I mean, this is pretty much it.

I did have to talk Dad down from, Oh, I mean, this is pretty much it.

I did have to talk Dad down from, you know, owl eyes and conical hats

I did have to talk Dad down from, and plastic furniture.

and plastic furniture.

So, we're just going to keep it modern.

Mm! Yeah, yeah.

Hey, uh...how about I take that old bar off your hands, you know?

It doesn't really fit with anything else, you know.

Just, so, you don't have to junk it.

Oh, God, no way!

Arthur, it's the centrepiece.

(QUIETLY) Damn it.

We renovated it.

And we're going to call it Leo's Bar

And we're going to call it in tribute to your dad.

in tribute to your dad.

You know we actually found his name in tribute to your dad.

You know we actually found his name carved underneath?

You know we actually found his name Um... With the letters W-B-B,

Um... With the letters W-B-B,

which I'm assuming stands for 'We'll be back'.

which I'm assuming 'Westside Bad Boye'.

'Westside Bad Boye'.

W-B-B.

What?

It was my tag in Year 9 - 'Westside Bad Boye'. Pwah!

It was my tag in Year 9 - Yeah.

Yeah.

THAT'S amazing, though.

Yeah, well, it's about doing what we can to keep our loved ones alive.

Yeah.

Yeah, no, I think Mum's going to be stoked when she sees it.

Yeah, no, I think Mum's Mm.

Mm.

Uh...

You mean...

..THAT mum?

What are you doing here, Mum?

I'm here to offer an olive branch.

Here - you can have autonomy of your condoms

if I can have autonomy of my pills.

Mum, this is my office for the day, OK? There is no condoms allowed.

Now, come on, come on in and say hi to Maya.

I'd rather poke both my eyes out with a toothpick than go in there.

Mum, they've made Dad's bar the centrepiece of the restaurant.

Now come on. Over my dead body!

Oh, yeah, sure thing.

Where are those pills?

Arthur Boye, how dare you?

Oh, just let it go Mum, OK? Arthur Boye, how dare you?

Oh, just let it go Mum, OK? The bar belongs to them now.

Oh, just let it go Mum, OK? No, the bar belongs to us.

No, the bar belongs to us.

Oh... Hey... I'll take it home in an urn

if I have to. No. No. No, you're not...

Give me your lighter. No! I haven't smoked since I was 19.

Now, you're NOT going to embarrass me today.

Now, you're NOT Oh, yes, I bloody well am.

Oh, yes, I bloody well am.

Stop, Mum! St...

Maggie!

Would you like to come in and try tasting dishes?

Absolutely not.

Because Mum has just dropped by to remind me

that we have to go to a specialist appointment

that we have to go right now.

right now.

So, let's go, Mum. Chop-chop. Um... What about our food review?

Oh, I've definitely

got enough of an idea about the food to write the review.

got enough of an idea about the food Come on Mum, let's go.

Come on Mum, let's go.

Thank you.

Are you worried I'll put your girlfriend off, Arthur? Thank you.

Are you worried I'll put your girlfriend off, Arthur?

Are you worried I'll put your girlfriend off, Arthur? Let's just say I'll never need condoms with you around, Mum.

Let's just say I'll never need condoms with you around, Mum.

My name is Dr Edgar George Wilkins.

Dr Edgar George Wilkins.

Did I pass the test?

Uh... No, that's... that's not part of the test.

Um... I will be asking you and your family

about any recent behavioural changes -

about any recent inappropriate emotions,

inappropriate emotions,

unusual aggression,

irrational thought processes...

(SOFTLY) Tick.

..memory loss, deterioration of mental performance...

..memory loss, deterioration (SOFTLY) Tick.

(SOFTLY) Tick.

Oh, the Greek chorus (SOFTLY) Tick.

Oh, the Greek chorus can put a sock in it

Oh, the Greek chorus or I'll bop you.

or I'll bop you.

Mm. Unusual aggression.

BOTH: Tick.

Maggie, can you spell 'mother' backwards?

M-O-T-H-E-R

B-A-C-K...

Mum.

Uh... Maggie, could you draw on this piece of paper one o'clock?

What the hell, Mum?!

Well, he said, "Draw one cock," didn't he?

No! Oh.

OK, this is complete waste of time.

BOTH: She's taking the piss.

Yeah, well... This is not funny, Mum.

Yeah, well... You should have warned me.

You should have warned me.

You are being rude to the doctor! This is not something you study for.

I'm not being rude, I was doing what I was told.

I'm here as well too. It's not just you all the time.

And who has to put up with it?! Excuse me.

Roberta, it might be better

if you and your brother left Maggie and I alone.

if you and your brother We might get a bit further, I think.

We might get a bit further, I think.

Properly, Mum.

(SAWING)

(HAMMERING)

(DRILLING)

Where's the milk?

(HAMMERING)

(SAWING)

Ow!

Oh, Arthur. Honestly.

(DRILLING)

Ta-da!

Did you do this?

Did I do significant damage to my lower back

trying to do something nice for you?

Yes! Yes, I did.

You put this milk in the oven.

Now it's turned.

You're gaslighting me.

I'm not gaslighting you, Mum.

Gaslighting doesn't usually require physiotherapy.

Gaslighting doesn't usually require But did you see what I DID do?

But did you see what I DID do?

Mm.

Hammered the final nail in my coffin? Mm.

Hammered the final nail in my coffin? Oh, very nice.

Hammered the final nail in my coffin? (SIGHS) No! Look!

(SIGHS) No! Look!

It's a bar!

Your very own bar

where you can have afternoon cocktails in the summer sun.

I even made you a drink to christen it.

I even made you a drink I'm not saying I'm not grateful,

I'm not saying I'm not grateful,

but it's not just any bar I want.

I want the bar your father made.

I mixed your favourite.

Oh-ho!

A jalapeno-pineapple margarita.

A dirty martini.

Arthur, that's YOUR favourite drink.

So it is.

Ah!

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

Now, here, you smash this,

I'm going to go apologise to Maya.

Yes.

Yes, I WILL smash it.

Surely you'll never let her do that.

I don't want her to,

but she's scared of losing her autonomy.

but she's scared I mean, it's complicated.

I mean, it's complicated.

It's illegal.

I mean, how would you feel It's illegal.

I mean, how would you feel if she did take them?

I mean, how would you feel Or if you helped her take them,

Or if you helped her take them,

and then just before she closed her eyes

you saw a glimpse of the old Maggie?

The mother that you know and love.

And then she looked at you with tears in her eyes and said,

And then she looked at you "I've made a huge mistake."

"I've made a huge mistake."

And that was that.

Game over.

That was terrifying.

Did you get that from a Stephen King book or something?

Uh... I go to strange places when I'm stacking pears.

Uh... I go to strange places (PUFFS)

(PUFFS)

I mean, on the other hand, I don't want her to suffer.

I mean, what if she does get bad and she wants to call it quits?

Feels selfish that I'd be the one to rip up the resignation letter.

Show me that bottle again?

Problem solved.

No!

Agh! Mm!

Oh, there... There's half a kebab in here.

Great, now they're covered in aioli.

Sorry.

(SNIFFS) Yuck.

Throwing these out isn't going to fix anything.

I want her to WANT to throw them out herself.

I want her Well, then give her reason to.

Well, then give her reason to.

Arthur, you're her family, Well, then give her reason to.

Arthur, you're her family, it's your job to make her happy.

What does she like?

She likes books.

OK, well, why don't you read She likes books.

OK, well, why don't you read what she's reading?

OK, well, why don't you read There's always so many sex scenes.

There's always so many sex scenes.

Just skip the page every time you see the word 'throbbing',

and then just talk to her about what fills all the other pages.

and then just talk to her about Keep her engaged in life.

Keep her engaged in life.

Sorry for dumping such a heavy convo on you

when we don't really know each other that well.

when we don't really know each other (CHUCKLES) Heavy?

(CHUCKLES) Heavy?

I'm the product of war.

Kidding.

No, I'm actually not kidding.

But go heavy or go home, I say.

Mum! Guess who's come over to say hello.

She's not here.

And the mallet's gone.

Where would she go and...

..take a mallet?

Oh, excuse me, uh... could you help me find the library?

Oh...

I'm not going to the library.

I'm going to the Soc Beo restaurant.

No, I'M going to the library.

Do you know where it is or...

Yes, I do!

Where is it?

It's where it always is.

It's where they built it.

So, is it...is it that way or back that way?

It's, um... It's...

It's...

It's that way!

Mum!

Mum. What's going on?

Hey, Maggie, it's Maya. Are you OK?

She's getting on a little bit. Is everything OK?

Can everyone just stop talking, please?

Can everyone just stop talking, Mum, give me the mallet, OK?

Mum, give me the mallet, OK?

It's the afternoon, you're tired. Oh, stop! No...

Mum! Stop, Arthur!

Mum! Stop treating me like a child.

Stop treating me like a child.

I'm not a child.

I know where the library is.

It's, um...

It's...

Oh, for God's sake!

Let's just go home, eh?

Why are my children so against me going to the library?

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

Don't!

Ow!

Serious cognitive decline.

What?

Let me see.

It says, "There may be evidence of cognitive decline."

It says, "There may be evidence Which is serious. Now give it.

Which is serious. Now give it.

Don't... Just...

Don't! Reading it myself Don't... Just...

Don't! Reading it myself so you don't try and pull the wool.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Sorry, Edgar. Arthur took it off your desk.

I told him not to.

I... It's was... I... She...

She pinched me.

Take a seat.

Please.

Well, it's a shame

that your mother instructed me to give you the results without her,

as she may well be the most responsible member of the family.

Ow!

What did you conclude?

It's a difficult assessment

because the subject's personality It's a difficult assessment

because the subject's personality has to be taken into account.

because the subject's personality Would it be fair to say

Would it be fair to say

that your mother has always been...

..slightly...

..eccentric?

OK, Mum, you can cut the amateur dramatics.

OK, Mum, The way things are going

The way things are going

I might as well be dead.

I'm just giving you a preview.

Mum, this is upsetting. Really.

You passed the test, alright?

Ha! I told you!

You did not pass the test.

You're showing signs of cognitive decline.

You're showing signs Ah! But I haven't lost my marbles.

Ah! But I haven't lost my marbles.

That means I can do what I like.

You can do whatever you like, except keep those pills, Mum.

I am an adult, I can make my own decisions.

I am an adult, Get them, Arthur.

Get them, Arthur.

We're flushing them.

(GASPS) We're flushing them.

(GASPS) Sorry, Mum.

They're not where I hid them.

Oh, you think I didn't know

where you stashed your weed when you were in high school, Arthur?

Where are they, Mum?

You won't find them, Arthur.

This isn't funny!

(SIGHS)

Fucking hell, Mum. What were you thinking?

Fucking hell, Mum. Do you think this is a joke?!

Do you think this is a joke?!

You are not allowed yet, do you understand?

Not after Dad has just gone,

not while Robbie's kids are still little,

not while Robbie's kids and not until I've started a family!

and not until I've started a family!

I don't care if that's selfish!

I want my kids to know who you are and to have memories of you

and not grow up without grandparents just like I did.

and not grow up without grandparents It's not that simple, Arthur.

It's not that simple, Arthur.

Oh, you can say that 'cause you actually knew Grandad.

Oh, you can say that That's true. I DID know Grandad.

That's true. I DID know Grandad.

He got so aggressive at the end he used to fight Grandma,

walking into traffic, soiling himself.

walking into traffic, It was horrible.

It was horrible.

You were too young to know what was going on,

but it got really bad.

And I'm not convinced I'm any better off having known him

than you are for only hearing the stories.

Well, can someone tell me what I am supposed to do in this situation?

Why don't they teach this shit at school

Why don't they teach this shit instead of...

instead of...

..hypotenuse or whatever that is?

Oh, come here, come on.

Come on, my little Westside Bad Boye.

Come on. Come and sit on my lap.

Now, do not worry.

I'm going to do whatever the doctor recommends.

I'm going to do I promise, OK?

I promise, OK?

We both just want what's best for you, Mum.

Pass me that will, Robbie.

This was only ever a silly way for me to prove my point.

This was only ever I'll rip it up.

I'll rip it up.

OK?

But only on the proviso OK?

But only on the proviso that there's no Power of Attorney.

But only on the proviso Not yet.

Not yet.

Can we agree?

Better?

Thank you, Mum.

What are we going to do about the pills?

What are we going to do That's up to you, Arthur.

That's up to you, Arthur.

I'm sure you'll do what's right.

But I want to be clear.

This doesn't mean I don't appreciate succulents.

(CHORTLES)

(LAUGHS)

Oh, quick. Quick!

OK.

And turn it up.

Hoo!

(SONG ENDS ON RADIO)

Ooh, OK, wait, here it is.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Yes, it's movie Ooh, OK, wait, here it is.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Yes, it's movie time. Thank you very much, Beats.

But, before we start, can I just give a shout-out to Soc Beo?

But, before we start, can I just Which is opening in the local hood!

Which is opening in the local hood!

RADIO ANNOUNCER 2: Um... No. You can't, but you just did.

RADIO ANNOUNCER 2: Um... No. Uh... Let's go to a song...

Uh... Let's go to a song...

Oh... (LAUGHS) I'm sorry, Uh... Let's go to a song...

Oh... (LAUGHS) I'm sorry, I gave you 12 courses for THAT?

Oh... (LAUGHS) I'm sorry, That's just a bonus plug.

That's just a bonus plug.

I promise I'll post the full review once I get my blue tick

and I'll describe every tantalising mouthful.

and I'll describe (KISSES)

(KISSES)

Wow.

Um...

A kiss.

Are we about to do, like, a make-out degustation or...

Or, um...

..you can just not make a joke about it

and we can...

Do it. ..make out.

Yeah? Yeah.

So, do you have to rush off and write another 10-second radio plug

or can we drive to a lookout in your...surprisingly clean car?

or can we drive to a lookout (CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, yeah, no, um... I can't take credit for the car.

This is actually my ex's.

You know, that's the third time in as many days

You know, that's the third time that you've mentioned your ex,

that you've mentioned your ex,

and, um...now we are...

..making out in her car.

Yeah, I...

I have to drop the car back to her in Canberra

when she gets her licence back. It's...

But you...

..you want to drive down there because...

Because you want to...see her?

It's... It's...

Yeah, um...

Uh... I just... I feel a bit silly. Um...

Hey, thanks for the plug.

Wh... No. Maya...

(SIGHS)

(BIRDS TWITTER)

Your driver's license?

Yeah, it got forwarded by the post office.

Oh, yeah, I might still drive down.

I'm sure Mum can handle one night without me.

(SIGHS)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

What did you end of borrowing? Ooh.

Thor's Hammer Strikes Again.

It's about a plumber who visits housewives

and shows them his enormous hammer.

You should have a read.

Do you know what? I will.

Mum, the first word in this book is 'throbbing'.

(GASPS) It's going to be a real page-turner then. Ha!

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation