Original subtitles

(LAUGHS)

So a good night was had by all? (LAUGHS)

So a good night was had by all?

(SIGHS) Yeah. Sorry, Mum.

I was gonna call you and let you know I wasn't coming home, but it got...

..late.

What's the lucky lady's name, then? ..late.

What's the lucky lady's name, then?

I wouldn't say she was lucky. (SHAKES CAN)

I wouldn't say she was lucky. (SHAKES CAN) (SPRAYS)

(SPRAYS)

Don't go in there.

Coffee?

ARTHUR: Mum!

A dead naked man.

Yes, in Mum's bed!

Why would I joke about that, Robbie?

MAGGIE: I'm innocent, Robbie!

The only thing I'm guilty of MAGGIE: I'm innocent, Robbie!

The only thing I'm guilty of is being too hot to handle.

No, I don't know his name. I'm looking now.

(SIGHS) No, I don't know his name. I'm looking now.

(SIGHS)

Yes, he's definitely dead.

(FLATULENCE) Oh! Yes, he's definitely dead.

(FLATULENCE) Oh!

Oh! Oh, thank God.

Oh! Oh, thank God. He's alive. He just farted.

He's alive. He just farted.

What?! Even when you're dead?

Oh, that's gross.

Alright. (SIGHS)

His name is Lawrence Porter,

and he's the president of the Cactus His name is Lawrence Porter,

and he's the president of the Cactus and Succulent Appreciation Society.

He was not delivering our mother a succulent.

Well, I didn't see him come in 'cause I wasn't here last night.

I was with a...

..girl.

No! Not good for me, Robbie, bad for me. Very bad for me, OK?

No! Not good for me, Robbie, I...

I...

..I didn't bring my A-game at all.

Yeah, fine. I'll make all the necessary calls.

Leave it to me, as always.

Bye.

(CALL DISCONNECTS) (SIGHS)

(FLATULENCE)

Oh, I need you to turn the gas on for me, Arthur.

Oh! Don't bother, Mum.

I've listened to enough crime podcasts to know

that blaming this on a house fire is not gonna work.

I need to make myself a final meal

before they send me to prison charged with sex crimes.

Mum, he was a 70-year-old man

with a bad heart Mum, he was a 70-year-old man

with a bad heart and high blood pressure, OK?

with a bad heart This is not your fault.

This is not your fault.

I should never have fed him that blanched okra with lemon juice.

It's very potent.

It sent him wild.

Oh! OK.

We are currently operating Oh! OK.

We are currently operating on a need-to-know basis,

and all I NEED to know is which of his family members to contact.

Well, he's a widower with no children.

Was.

Hm. (TUTS)

All alone in the world.

(SIGHS) All alone in the world.

(SIGHS) MAGGIE: Just like me.

At least he went out with a bang. (GAS HISSES)

At least he went out with a bang. I mean... (SIGHS)

I mean... (SIGHS)

..I wish you'd told me that you were getting back into the dating scene.

..I wish you'd told me that you were What?

What?

You think I don't need to feel What?

You think I don't need to feel the warmth of another human, Arthur?

I mean, you spent YOUR night with a lover.

I mean, What's the difference?

What's the difference?

Difference is

you having wild, heart-stopping sex, and I'm...

you having ..putting people to sleep.

..putting people to sleep.

ROBBIE: And I thought I was having a bad day.

Are you sure he doesn't have SOME family?

ARTHUR: Apparently not.

I called the Succulent Society and left a message on the machine

with my condolences, just in case.

And it ISN'T being treated with my condolences, just in case.

And it ISN'T being treated as suspicious?

And it ISN'T being treated Oh! Arthur's a stool pigeon.

Oh! Arthur's a stool pigeon.

He called the police on me.

ARTHUR: I called the ambulance.

The ambulance called the police. The police called the coroner.

And the coroner called a bird, and the bird called a spider,

and the spider called a fly.

It's like that nursery rhyme -

"There was an old woman who swallowed a fly.

"There was an old woman "Perhaps she'll die."

"Perhaps she'll die."

That must have been shocking for you, Mum.

That must have been (SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

I'll never forget his last words.

Well?

Well what?

What were his last words?

I can't remember!

ROBBIE: Mum, you go rest I can't remember!

ROBBIE: Mum, you go rest and put your feet up.

ROBBIE: Mum, you go rest You've had a shocker.

You've had a shocker.

I'll do the dishes.

No, no, no. You're a busy doctor.

You should not be doing drudge work.

You're right.

Arthur will do it.

What? What?

Just...

..take a rest Just...

..take a rest and go watch the telly.

..take a rest Take your mind off of it all.

Take your mind off of it all.

Off you pop. MAGGIE: Thank you, Robbie.

We need to protect her AND ourselves.

She needs to sign this.

Oh, I'm sorry, do you have a printer in there?

They're power-of-attorney papers from my lawyer's office.

Oh, OK, cool - so while I was dealing with dead bodies,

you were just getting these drafted up.

you were just getting these No, when you called this morning,

No, when you called this morning,

I just happened to be seeking No, when you called this morning,

I just happened to be seeking some legal advice.

I just happened to be seeking Killed two birds with one stone.

Killed two birds with one stone.

Really? Mmm.

What was the other bird?

Oh, just some little problem I'm ironing out

Oh, just some little problem with a penoplasty that went wrong.

with a penoplasty that went wrong.

Mmm. The old shaft graft.

I mean, the length was fine, but the girth, it didn't quite work out.

I mean, the length was fine, but Eugh. Poor guy.

Eugh. Poor guy.

Poor guy?!

If I get sued, I'm gonna be the successful lesbian surgeon

If I get sued, I'm gonna be who got undone by a penis.

who got undone by a penis.

(LAUGHS)

Speaking of undone,

what happened with last night?

I haven't been with anyone since Dee.

I'm not match-fit.

Honestly, it was such a bad performance.

I was like a newborn horse learning how to walk.

I was like a newborn horse (SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

I even pulled out the special moves.

No straight man has special moves.

I got special moves.

I got the most special moves.

Just when I thought I was...

..making way...

..she fell asleep.

Just like the president ..she fell asleep.

Just like the president of the Succulent Society.

(LAUGHS)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

The Cactus and Succulent Appreciation Society

The Cactus and Succulent must have got your message.

must have got your message.

Look at what they sent me.

(TUTS) Oh!

Such a beautiful reminder of Lawrence.

(SIGHS)

You just want to get your hands on the house.

Power of attorney wasn't MY idea, Mum.

Oh, you expect me to believe it was your sister's idea?

(SIGHS) Honestly, she's got a family.

She's got a job.

She's got prospects, Arthur.

Where are YOUR prospects?

Excuse me! I have prospects.

Well, from what I overheard the other morning,

Well, from what I overheard it doesn't seem like your prospects

it doesn't seem like your prospects

are very prospective.

Who were you canoodling?

I hope it was that Maya, from dancing.

Tony the grocer's daughter.

Oh, tell me it was Tony the grocer's daughter!

It wasn't Maya, OK?

Her name was Blodwyn, It wasn't Maya, OK?

Her name was Blodwyn, if you must know.

Her name was Blodwyn, Blodwyn?

Blodwyn?

Sounds like a medical condition.

Mum!

She's Welsh.

And FYI, I'm not interested in She's Welsh.

And FYI, I'm not interested in brief interactions like that anymore.

And FYI, I'm not interested in In fact, I'm gonna delete my apps.

In fact, I'm gonna delete my apps.

Ugh... (GASPS) Arthur!

Look! Our restaurant's open.

Delete...

..delete...

..delete.

Oh! Definitely deleting that one.

What was that...

Mum?

Mum!

(HORNS HONK) Whoa! Whoa!

(HORNS HONK) (EXCLAIMS)

(EXCLAIMS)

Leo?

Oh, hi, Maggie.

Did you just call me Leo?

Tony! (LAUGHS)

No! No.

I said 'helleo'.

As in 'hello' with an extra syllable.

Oh.

I was expecting someone from the local paper.

We have bought a full-page ad to get a full house for our grand opening.

(LAUGHS)

Maybe, uh, warn me next time you want me to play Frogger. (LAUGHS)

Maybe, uh, warn me next time Hey, Tony.

Hey, Tony.

Hi.

I'm so glad that you're both here.

I need to ask the code to the wall safe.

Yeah. Yeah, no, I understand.

Um, you know.

Mum, can you give Tony the wall safe code?

I have no idea.

What are they doing to your father's restaurant? I have no idea.

What are they doing to your father's restaurant?

Oh, Mum!

Arthur! I was gonna...

Arthur! I was gonna... Hey!

Hey!

Hi, Maggie.

Getting a...sneak peek?

Oh, yes.

A sneak peek into hell,

starring Judas and Jezebel and the devil himself.

starring Judas and Jezebel (ARTHUR SIGHS)

(ARTHUR SIGHS)

Mum, just give Tony (ARTHUR SIGHS)

Mum, just give Tony the wall safe code.

Mum, just give Tony What wall safe?

What wall safe?

My memory is shot.

TONY: Come on, Maggie.

You remember every step of the cha-cha last week.

You remember every step It was the merengue, Tony.

It was the merengue, Tony.

And it'll be the last merengue It was the merengue, Tony.

And it'll be the last merengue you'll be seeing from me!

And it'll be the last merengue Let's go, Arthur.

Let's go, Arthur.

OK, Mum.

Um...

..Dad used to keep all his codes in a little black book.

I'll...find it for you.

(MOUTHS)

No, Mum, now. Let's go.

I know you remember the code, Mum.

And the reason I know

is because you always refuse to admit And the reason I know

is because you always refuse to admit when you can't remember something,

so the fact you're saying you can't means you can.

so the fact you're saying you can't Yes, well, you're the one

Yes, well, you're the one

who's always telling me Yes, well, you're the one

who's always telling me my memory is gone, Arthur.

Now you expect me to remember some long-ago code.

Now you expect me to remember Make up your mind.

Make up your mind.

You're just annoyed that it's not me Make up your mind.

You're just annoyed that it's not me taking over Dad's restaurant.

That's all this is about.

No, it's not.

My brain has gone to mush.

I don't even know if you're my son anymore.

The son I remember would do anything he could

to keep the memory of his father alive.

Oh, hold up.

Well, if your brain's turned to mush and you don't know who I am,

then you have no reason to refuse signing the power-of-attorney papers.

then you have no reason to refuse Ha-ha! Got ya!

Ha-ha! Got ya!

Oh, no! What's she doing here?

Um...

..you know what, maybe you were right.

..you know what, Let's not rush into this.

Let's not rush into this.

Uh, maybe you need a bit more time Let's not rush into this.

Uh, maybe you need a bit more time to think about it. (LAUGHS)

Uh, maybe you need a bit more time What's got into you?

What's got into you?

Huh? Nothing!

Now, come on. This way.

Hey, we'll come back another day. (GASPS)

Hey, we'll come back another day. Blodwyn!

Blodwyn!

Where have I heard that name before?

You haven't, OK? Now, let's...

Oh, if she's the same Blodwyn who You haven't, OK? Now, let's...

Oh, if she's the same Blodwyn who fell asleep on you the other night,

Oh, if she's the same Blodwyn who she's got a big wake-up call coming.

she's got a big wake-up call coming.

(BELL RINGS) Oh, no, Mum. Please, don't!

Oh, you must be Mrs Boye.

Oh, and you must be very well rested.

(DOOR OPENS) (ARTHUR SIGHS)

Hi. (LAUGHS)

Yeah. (BLODWYN LAUGHS)

Yeah. Arthur. Blodwyn.

Arthur. Blodwyn.

Well, I mean, what a coincidence. Arthur. Blodwyn.

Well, I mean, what a coincidence. I didn't know that you worked here.

Well, I mean, what a coincidence. Um...yes, you did.

Um...yes, you did.

I...I...I mentioned it, lots,

the other night.

You asked if you could legally sue your local supermarket

for suggesting a barbeque chicken has EIGHT servings.

Oh, yeah.

BLODWYN: Yeah.

To be fair,

no-one has ever ordered a one-eighth chicken and chips.

You know? It's always quarters.

I understand you're here to sign some documents.

I certainly am.

But more importantly, my boy deserves a second chance.

Oh!

MAGGIE: Oh, you should have seen him

when he first worked the cash register at our restaurant.

when he first worked Oh!

Oh!

Mashing his fingers Oh!

Mashing his fingers across those buttons

like a giant playing a miniature keyboard.

like a giant We...we might come back another day.

We...we might come back another day.

(LAUGHS) We...we might come back another day.

(LAUGHS) But eventually, he got better at it.

And by the time he was at university,

And by the time he could barely look at the register

he could barely look at the register

and cha-ching!

I think... (LAUGHS) Yes. Yes.

Come on! Mum. Come on. (LAUGHS)

I am... (BELL RINGS)

I am... ..I'm sorry.

..I'm sorry.

She is unwell.

Bye.

(LAUGHS) (DOOR CLOSES)

And now we have to find a new solicitor to witness your signature,

because I'm never showing my face at that office ever again!

because I'm never showing my face Where is Dad's little black book?

Where is Dad's little black book?

I have no idea.

(SIGHS)

Oh, I'm sure the code to the wall safe is someone's birthday or...

..Lotto numbers or something.

Oh.

That bar, Arthur, the one Tony was manhandling,

your father built that with his own hands in this very backyard.

your father built that with What if they just

What if they just

throw it on a skip,

like it's some piece of rubbish?

Oh, not that YOU'D care.

You're so hot to trot for that Maya.

Excuse me! I'm not hot to trot You're so hot to trot for that Maya.

Excuse me! I'm not hot to trot for anyone. I'm not trotting at all.

I'm one bad date away from being sent to the glue factory.

I'm one bad date away Now, where is that black book?!

Now, where is that black book?!

(SIGHS)

I'm sorry, Mum.

I should have said something about what was happening at the restaurant.

I should have said something about (SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

Is there any way (SIGHS)

Is there any way I can make it up to you?

Well, it's about keeping the spirit of your father in our hearts.

Well, it's about keeping the spirit In our minds.

In our minds.

In our mouths.

Why don't you cook something for me, just like he used to?

(SIGHS WITH RELIEF)

I am so glad you're referring to his food.

I am so glad Um...

Um...

..I can do that.

That's fine.

But if I do, you have to promise

to let this But if I do, you have to promise

to let this whole restaurant thing go, yeah?

to let this I've forgotten it already.

I've forgotten it already.

Mush brain.

(LAUGHS)

Oh. There's not much food in the fridge, though, Arthur.

Oh. There's not much food Oh.

Oh.

I'll hit the store. Oh.

I'll hit the store. Yeah.

You stay here. Read a book or something.

You stay here. Oh, good idea.

Oh, good idea.

I've got just the book in mind.

(BOTH LAUGH)

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(BEEPING)

Hello?

Is that the advertising department?

It's Maya here from the Soc Beo restaurant.

I'm afraid we're going to have to cancel our ad for opening night.

Mmm.

Haven't found Dad's codes yet. (BEEPING)

But I wrote some numbers on a piece of paper that I think might work. Haven't found Dad's codes yet. (BEEPING)

But I wrote some numbers on a piece of paper that I think might work.

But I wrote some numbers on a piece of paper that I think might work. Oh. Thanks.

Oh. Thanks.

My birthday's in there.

Oh. Well, I will be sure My birthday's in there.

Oh. Well, I will be sure to remember it.

Oh. Well, I will be sure Oi! You!

Oi! You!

You can get out of my shop!

Sorry?

Someone pretending to be Maya called the newspaper

to cancel our ad for the grand opening.

And they copy the number from the screen,

And they copy the number and I check out delivery database.

and I check out delivery database.

It was your mother! What?

Don't know what you're talking about. Nothing for you.

ARTHUR: What do you mean? Dad, Dad, Dad, calm down.

ARTHUR: What do you mean? No okra for your family!

No okra for your family!

Get your vegetables somewhere else!

What? Hey!

OK. It's all here.

Half a kilo of okra and a bag of lemons.

Half a kilo of okra Oh. Hey. Look, I'm so sorry.

Oh. Hey. Look, I'm so sorry.

I can't believe Mum did that. I mean, who knows what she's capable of?

Dad's not normally so volatile.

You know, he's really worried about the restaurant, and...

..it's a huge risk, and so...

..his blood pressure's up to here.

TONY: Maya! Maya!

Damn, that's him!

On, no! Here, quick. Thank you. OK.

Oh, Arthur, wait!

It's, uh, my phone number.

In case you find the actual code to the safe.

TONY: Maya!

Save yourself! Yeah!

It's a crime, Mum.

One minute, we're explaining to the cops about the dead man in your bed

and the next, you're committing fraud.

Impersonating someone is hardly fraud

compared to calling yourself a restauranteur

compared to when you're really a greengrocer.

when you're really a greengrocer.

Mum! (DOOR CLOSES)

Mum. I gave you my credit card details for emergencies.

Can you explain this?

Can you explain why you were just passing through the suburbs

Can you explain why you were on a weekday?

on a weekday?

Let me guess - on a weekday?

Let me guess - you're consulting door to door now

Let me guess - with your top buttons undone.

with your top buttons undone.

Shut up, Arthur.

There's an amount of $500 Shut up, Arthur.

There's an amount of $500 on my statement.

There's an amount of $500 Yes. It's a holding thingy.

Yes. It's a holding thingy.

You'll get it back later, they said.

Who is they?

I googled the company, Soc Beo, and it means "Chubby Squirrel".

Chubby Squirrel's a very cute name.

Wait, Soc Beo?

That's the name of Maya's restaurant.

Mum, what did you do?

I booked the whole restaurant out for opening night.

It's gonna be a lonely little squirrel when nobody shows up.

They're gonna charge me the whole cancellation fee.

They're gonna charge me What were you thinking?

What were you thinking?

(GASPS)

You little beauty!

This is no time to celebrate, Mum. MAGGIE: No!

No, they were Lawrence Porter's last words.

I've remembered.

"You little beauty!"

This proves she has no clue how to manage money anymore.

Get her to sign the power-of-attorney papers, Arthur.

(SIGHS)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Succulents to the kitchen, please.

I was just dropping food to Chong,

and I thought maybe Maggie might like some as well.

But if you think that's a bad idea...

If this is an attempt to bribe the safe code out of me,

If this is an attempt you're out of luck.

you're out of luck.

I'm going to speak to the goat.

Sorry.

She's been in a nightmare mood. She does not deserve that deliciousness.

She's been in a nightmare mood. She (LAUGHS) It's fine. I understand.

(LAUGHS) It's fine. I understand.

If you don't mind, I actually (LAUGHS) It's fine. I understand.

If you don't mind, I actually came around for another reason.

Um...

..what are you doing Um...

..what are you doing on Friday night?

..what are you doing Whatever you want.

Whatever you want.

Oh!

Like, I've obviously got to check Oh!

Like, I've obviously got to check my schedule, 'cause it's heaps busy.

Like, I've obviously got to check But, um...yeah. (LAUGHS)

But, um...yeah. (LAUGHS)

I was hoping your mum would come to our restaurant so she can...

Uh...

..you know, get a proper sense of...our vision. (LAUGHS)

..you know, get a proper sense Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dad and I could cook her a meal, Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dad and I could cook her a meal, and she could, you know,

see the integrity that we want to bring to the space.

Also, we don't have table and chairs yet,

so there's a DIY dance floor, in case you want to cut some shapes.

What do you say?

I reckon it's a great idea.

I'll ask Mum.

But I got to warn you,

when she's saying no to free food, things are pretty grim.

Oh! You're still here.

Look.

I'll dispose of those for you,

since nobody else wants them.

(LAUGHS)

Don't complain about having to get inferior vegetables, OK?

I am not driving 10 suburbs for good produce

just because YOU refuse to apologise to Tony.

Oh! Lawrence Porter would have done it for me in the blink of an eye.

Lawrence Porter's eyes are never blinking again,

Lawrence Porter's eyes so that's not an option, is it?

so that's not an option, is it?

Now, seeing as I've churned through

all three of the Ghanaian recipes I know,

how about me and you take our tastebuds

a little further abroad tonight?

Maybe somewhere like Vietnam?

Oh! Forget it, Arthur.

If you think some dry grilled pork

is gonna get that safe code out of me,

is gonna get that safe code you got another think coming.

you got another think coming.

Never, ever...

Oh! No!

Um...

(INAUDIBLE) ARTHUR: Actually, you know what?

Why don't we... why don't we go down this...

..this way for a change?

Yeah. It looks like a nice laneway.

MAYA: Hey!

Hi. (LAUGHS)

Hello, Maggie.

Hello. Hey, Maya.

Hey. You're friends with...Blodwyn?

Hey. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

She really seemed to be in a rush Yeah. Yeah.

She really seemed to be in a rush to get somewhere just now.

She really seemed to be in a rush I mean...I mean...

I mean...I mean...

..what were you guys talking about?

Oh, you know. This and that.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, good this and that or, like...

..bad...

..clumsy this and that?

Did Arthur tell you about dinner?

Uh, yes. He did mention it.

MAYA: My dad's gonna be there,

and I know that he would love to have a dance with you after.

I'm...hoping you'll come along.

You know what?

I think I will.

ROBBIE: OK, gang, let's get you guys home.

KEELAN: See you, Uncle Arthur. MELODY: Bye, Uncle Arthur.

(LAUGHS)

Thank God I managed to cancel the fake restaurant booking Mum made.

I told them I had my credit card stolen,

and the OWNER seemed super-annoyed.

Mmm. I mean, it is pretty unfair on them.

I got a refund. That's all that counts.

Why haven't you made another appointment

Why haven't you made to get her signature on the papers?

to get her signature on the papers?

I don't want to use our local solicitor, Robbie.

Can we use yours? At $300 an hour?

No way!

Listen.

We've all had bad sex, Arthur.

Don't let it cost you our family home.

Just make the call and bring Mum in first thing Monday morning.

Just make the call and bring Mum in Bye.

Bye.

You two, get in the car.

(PHONE RINGS)

Chuppa & Peele. Blodwyn speaking.

How can I help?

Hello?

ARTHUR: Blodwyn. Blod...Blodwyn.

It's...it's me.

Arthur.

OK.

ARTHUR: Well, OK.

ARTHUR: Well, I just want to make an appointment,

uh, to witness a signature for my mum, if that's OK.

uh, to witness a signature That is perfectly fine.

That is perfectly fine.

And I also feel like That is perfectly fine.

And I also feel like I kinda need to...explain the...

And I also feel like ..bad sex...

..bad sex...

..the other night.

Um...

..I need you to know, like, that was not my A-game.

..I need you to know, like, Yeah?

Yeah?

Like, that was... Yeah?

Like, that was... uh, that wasn't even my Z-game.

Like, uh, I would need to invent a whole new alphabet

to find a letter to assign to how truly...

..woeful that performance wa...

I have to inform you,

this phone call is being recorded for training purposes.

Um...no, um, can you not, uh, record it?

Um...no, um, Uh...uh, no.

Uh...uh, no.

No, um...

..I...I do not permit!

(LAUGHS) Uh...

..jokes.

Oh, Arthur, I should be the one apologising.

Oh, Arthur, (SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

Work has been so hectic (SIGHS)

Work has been so hectic these last couple of months,

and I've been grinding myself to the bone, and...

..well, I should have stayed home the other night, but...

..I'm glad I pushed myself, because...

..I'm glad I pushed myself, ..well...

..well...

..this is gonna sound terrible,

but that was honestly ..this is gonna sound terrible,

but that was honestly the best sleep I've had in ages.

Um...

..oh, you're welcome.

(LAUGHS)

BLODWYN: Oh, and as for...

..all the bits BLODWYN: Oh, and as for...

..all the bits leading up to my teeny-tiny nap...

..I don't think there's such a thing as good or bad.

It's just about finding someone you're in sync with.

I made an appointment for Monday morning, Mum.

(DOOR OPENS) Mum?

Oh, hey! (LAUGHS)

ARTHUR: Holy moly! Look at you!

What's with the outfit?

Well, I'm gonna be dancing with Tony tonight,

and with me looking like this,

he won't live to see sunrise.

His last words will be "Oh, you little beauty."

So you're planning to seduce and kill Maya's dad

So you're planning with your gymnastic sexploits?

with your gymnastic sexploits?

Oh, don't take all the poetry with your gymnastic sexploits?

Oh, don't take all the poetry out of it.

Come on! Let's do this properly, Mum. No excuses.

Come on! Let's do this properly, Mum. Alright. Just hang on a minute.

Alright. Just hang on a minute.

(SIGHS)

You'd better take this.

For Maya, in case she falls asleep halfway through...dinner.

For Maya, in case she falls asleep Give me that!

Give me that!

You're not going!

I will go and let them all know that you've lost your mind!

I will go and let them all know If you say so, Arthur.

If you say so, Arthur.

I'll go and put my pyjamas on If you say so, Arthur.

I'll go and put my pyjamas on and have a nice cup of tea, then.

(SIGHS)

Mum sends her apologies.

She wasn't feeling herself tonight.

I'm going home to my pyjamas and a cup of tea.

Can't believe I hired my chef for nothing.

(SIGHS)

ARTHUR: I'm really sorry, Maya.

You said your dad has high blood pressure.

You said I was a bit worried my mum would...

I was a bit worried my mum would...

..well, set it off.

(LAUGHS)

All dressed up and our plans in tatters.

You went to so much trouble.

(SIGHS)

Well, now that you're here, we shouldn't waste it.

Shall we dance?

(LAUGHS)

(ELEGANT DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)

(LAUGHS)

I'm guessing my lifetime ban at the fruit shop still stands?

I'm guessing my lifetime ban Oh. Dad was already in a bad mood.

Oh. Dad was already in a bad mood.

We had a single reservation for opening night

and, uh, they cancelled today, so...

..he was really upset about that.

Yeah.

People suck.

Oh! (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS)

Wow. Who knew a guy like you had moves?

Yeah, well, I took ballroom dancing at school over woodwork, so...

Yeah, well, I took ballroom dancing Oh. Well, it paid off.

Oh. Well, it paid off.

(BOTH LAUGH)

(LAUGHS)

Did it?

I mean, all the tradies I know have jet skis,

and I have a bus pass.

(LAUGHS)

(GASPS) Opening night!

Sorry?

Opening night was the biggest, Sorry?

Opening night was the biggest, proudest day of my dad's life.

Opening night was the biggest, One year after I was born.

One year after I was born.

(GASPS) You did it!

Oh, there's not gonna be any gold in there. Trust me.

Oh, there's not gonna be Ah! I don't know about that.

Ah! I don't know about that.

(LAUGHS)

You were cute then too.

(LAUGHS)

I got it framed to surprise her.

You're a decent guy, Arthur.

Well, I mean, it was the cheapest frame they had, so...not really.

BLODWYN: No, you are.

Maya and I talked about you after we saw you the other day.

Oh, you didn't happen to talk about the...

Bad sex?

No. Of course not.

Maya was too busy saying nice things about you.

Really? BLODWYN: Mmm.

Really? I mean...

I mean...

..what did she say exactly?

(DOOR OPENS)

Well, you can ring your sister and tell her it's done.

Well, you can ring your sister You signed the power of attorney?

You signed the power of attorney?

No! Something much better.

In honour of the late, great Lawrence Porter,

In honour I've left my entire estate

I've left my entire estate

to the Cactus and Succulent I've left my entire estate

to the Cactus and Succulent Appreciation Society.

Oh!

(SIGHS)

You little beauty!

I appreciate you and all that you have given,

but the time has come.

(FEEDBACK WHINES)

Roll up, roll up, roll up (FEEDBACK WHINES)

Roll up, roll up, roll up for the great cactus sale!

All proceeds to the Cactus and Succulent Appreciation Society.

Oh, for God's sake, Arthur, put your back into it!

Oh, for God's sake, Arthur, Go!

Go!

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation