Original subtitles

I don't know where she is, Robbie.

If I knew where she was, I don't know where she is, Robbie.

If I knew where she was, I wouldn't be calling you, would I?

Yeah, of course I checked the shops.

Mum's at the shops every day. That's what old people do. Yeah, of course I checked the shops.

Mum's at the shops every day. That's what old people do.

They go to the shops. She's not there.

Why don't YOU drive around the streets looking for her, Robbie?

Why don't YOU drive around I have to stay at home.

I have to stay at home.

I'm...busy. (VEHICLE APPROACHES)

Don't worry.

She's here.

MAGGIE: Thank you, darling.

Well? He was an engineer back home.

Now he has to Well? He was an engineer back home.

Now he has to

drive people like me around.

Honestly, Arthur,

Honestly, Arthur, sometimes this country makes me sick.

sometimes this country makes me sick.

(DOOR CLOSES) sometimes this country makes me sick.

(DOOR CLOSES)

We said no more fires, Mum.

What do you call that?

A rideshare.

A rideshare. No...I mean, where have you...

No...I mean, where have you...

Wait. Who paid for the rideshare?

Wait. Who paid for the rideshare? Oh! You don't pay for rideshares.

Oh! You don't pay for rideshares.

You just get in and get out.

Yeah, YOU don't pay for rideshares

because YOU don't want to seem to use your phone ever.

But someone pays for rideshares, every time.

What is all this stuff?

Is that a falafel?

For the rideshare.

And keep the change.

$2.70?

Mum, you can't buy a Mars bar $2.70?

Mum, you can't buy a Mars bar for $2.70 these days, let alone

get escorted around town in a luxury vehicle.

get escorted around town Why are your hands so oily?

Why are your hands so oily?

They're not.

(SNIFFS)

Coconut oil.

Ooh, ooh, ooh! (LAUGHS)

An orgy for one, I suppose.

OK, no. I was not doing that.

Let me guess - an article.

Eight Orgasmic Creams to Cook With.

No! Stop!

It's nothing like that, OK? It's for my hair.

It's nothing like that, OK? It's looking very thin.

It's looking very thin.

Apparently, coconut oil gives it some oomph.

Oh, how pathetic!

To think I spent nine months

building this beautiful face with my own uterus

building this beautiful face and you're worried about hair oomph.

and you're worried about hair oomph.

Yeah, well.

It's for an article.

(SIGHS)

And a date.

With a girl. Yes!

At last, some alone time for Mama B.

Oh. Maybe you should At last, some alone time for Mama B.

Oh. Maybe you should leave your coconut oil out.

Oh. Maybe you should Gross!

Gross!

So how did you find a date? Gross!

So how did you find a date?

(SIGHS) It's called a phone, Mum.

(SIGHS) It's called a phone, Mum. Swipe left, swipe right, type 'Ha-ha-ha' too much,

Swipe left, swipe right, type 'Ha-ha-ha' too much,

never hear from them again.

(SIGHS) It's a whole thing.

Hey, you should date that new girl down at the greengrocer's.

Hey, you should date that new girl Her family genes are incredible!

Her family genes are incredible!

And if forcing you into an arranged marriage

will help you eat more fruit and veg,

will help you eat well, so be it.

well, so be it.

(PHONE ALERT BUZZES AND CHIMES)

(LAUGHS) What are you smiling at?

Oh, it's just a photo from my...

..date.

Ooh! Show me! Oh... Oh! Oh, no! Mum!

Mum, you don't want to see that. Hey, no, no, no, no!

Mum! I'm your mother. I'm your mother.

Oh, God.

Tell her she should see a doctor.

That area around the piercing,

it's inflamed.

Oh! Give me that!

Alright. I am off.

Please don't wait up again.

Here. Just in case.

Mum, where did you get this?

This condom's from 1985.

Yeah, well.

Your father and I got carried away before we had time to use it.

Your father and I got carried away But look! Here you are.

But look! Here you are.

You saying I'm an accident?

Yes, and the very best accident.

What are your plans for tonight?

Um...

..we are meeting at the station

and then... (CLEARS THROAT)

..going to Al-Yasa's.

(CLEARS THROAT)

No, you're not.

(SIGHS) Come on, Mum!

Just because (SIGHS) Come on, Mum!

Just because Dad had beef with Al-Yasa

doesn't mean I can't enjoy Al-Yasa's beef.

Your father would be spinning in his grave.

Just like the delicious skewers at Al-Yasa's.

Just like the delicious skewers Why don't you go to Kenneth's?

Why don't you go to Kenneth's?

I could book you a table!

You don't need to book me a table, Mum,

You don't need because nobody's ever at Kenneth's.

because nobody's ever at Kenneth's.

Please! My date says she loves food.

I want to show her the best this suburb has to offer,

not some grumpy man

who wants to take his own menu photos with an old Nokia

and thinks that tissues are a suitable substitute for napkins.

and thinks that tissues are Alright, then.

Alright, then.

If you want to submerge your father's legacy, so be it.

You do...you do mean 'besmirch', right? Is that...

Oh, you know what I mean.

(DOOR OPENS) Shh!

(DOOR OPENS) (DOOR CLOSES)

(DOOR CLOSES)

I think we're being burgled.

I bet it's those kids who beat you up at the railway station. I think we're being burgled.

I bet it's those kids who beat you up at the railway station.

I bet it's those kids who beat you up at the railway station. It's Robbie, Mum. What?

It's Robbie, Mum. What?

It's Robbie, Mum. She's here to hang out.

She's here to hang out.

And those kids that beat me up at the train station,

And those kids that beat me up they're, like, 36 years old now.

they're, like, 36 years old now.

They've got teenage kids.

I see them on Facebook all the time. We're friends.

What is Robbie doing here?

I don't need a babysitter.

You did go missing for three hours yesterday, Mum.

Oh!

Oh! ROBBIE: Oh!

Mum! Robbie! My princess.

Mwah! Mwah, mwah, mwah!

Oh, I just love it when we're all under the same roof.

Oh, I just love it Oh.

Oh.

He's going to Al-Yasa's.

Are you kidding me? ROBBIE: Baby bro, how could you?

Are you kidding me? He's trying to impress a girl.

He's trying to impress a girl.

Dad would be mortified.

Blood is thicker than booty.

That's what I said.

Bring me back half a chicken with the garlic sauce.

Bring me back half a chicken Mum! I got you something.

Mum! I got you something.

(GASPS) Ooh!

When I saw it, I just couldn't resist.

When I saw it, I thought of you.

I thought of you.

MAGGIE: Oh, my! Oh, it's leather.

(LAUGHS) Ooh! Do I need a safe word?

ROBBIE: Why don't you try it on (LAUGHS) Ooh! Do I need a safe word?

ROBBIE: Why don't you try it on with those gold earrings

ROBBIE: Why don't you try it on that you wore to my wedding?

that you wore to my wedding?

Yes! Good idea.

Quick, give me your phone.

Oh. Have you run out of credit?

I've given Mum a dog collar, and I need to set up the app.

Sorry, did you just say you gave our mother a dog collar

to wear on her person?

A GPS-tracking dog collar, Artie.

You can set up geofences, alerts, A GPS-tracking dog collar, Artie.

You can set up geofences, alerts, time activations,

and it's waterproof, so you can hose them down.

Uh, have a shower with it.

Etc.

Well, are you gonna tell her Etc.

Well, are you gonna tell her that we're doing it?

Well, are you gonna tell her Mum?

Mum?

What are you doing in there?

MAGGIE: I'm talking to Nunya.

Who's Nunya?

MAGGIE: Nunya friggin' business!

Go on, then.

You tell her what it is.

So, what are you doing that's so important, you can't look after Mum?

I thought Liz was taking the kids to the football.

She is, and I have a consultation.

On a Saturday night?

With who?

With Nunya.

Oh! So cute. (LAUGHS)

Oh. (LAUGHS)

Oh. Rose?

Rose?

Yeah, yeah. (BOTH LAUGH)

Sorry I'm late.

Um, I just had to spritz my nose

'cause I got, like, infected piercing and shit.

'cause I got, like, (CLEARS THROAT)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Yeah, no. I mean, I wouldn't have noticed.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Um...so who's your furry little... little friend?

Um...so who's your furry little... Oh, um...

Oh, um...

..Maggie?

Yeah.

Um, me and my sister Yeah.

Um, me and my sister bought her a new toy today, so...

Oh! (LAUGHS) Well, you do anything to keep them happy.

Oh! (LAUGHS) Well, you do anything Oh, you really do.

Oh, you really do.

(LAUGHS) You really do.

So, um, where's this restaurant you were bragging about?

COMMENTATOR: (ON RADIO) ..scored 26 metres out

COMMENTATOR: (ON RADIO) from the Cronulla-Sutherland line.

from the Cronulla-Sutherland line.

Bulldogs were down 12-2 after the first 18 minutes, but...

(LAUGHS) So I still don't understand why

there's, like, all those people over there, at Al-Yasa's,

when we're the only two here, you know?

when we're the only two here, Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, I kinda feel like Al-Yasa chips are TOO crunchy

I mean, I kinda feel like and spiced with guilt.

and spiced with guilt.

Kenneth's is the real beating heart and spiced with guilt.

Kenneth's is the real beating heart of the neighbourhood.

Kenneth's is the real beating heart KENNETH: Oh, you bloody Roosters!

KENNETH: Oh, you bloody Roosters!

Headless chooks!

I ought to shove a rotisserie up your bum!

I ought to shove a rotisserie (WOMAN LAUGHS)

(WOMAN LAUGHS)

ROSE: (LAUGHS) So, um...

..I would ask you what you did for a living, but I have to admit,

..I would ask you what you did I already did some light stalking.

I already did some light stalking.

Ah. Uh-oh.

No, I didn't find anything...

..weird or wrong No, I didn't find anything...

..weird or wrong or anything like that.

No, no, no. Uh-oh, your... your nose is bleeding there.

Oh. Oh. Yeah.

Oh. Oh, my God. I think you need a napkin or...

Uh, yeah. Just... Oh, I'll...I...I'll get a tissue.

ROSE: It's the piercing.

ARTHUR: Oh! ROSE: Oh.

Oh. I'll just... Yeah.

There you go. Here. I'll... Thanks. No. I'll just do it.

Yep.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Um...

..do you know, there is actually a very cool place

that we could go to after this?

Oh. Yeah.

I have a really early start tomorrow, so I just think

I have a really early start this is the only...

this is the only...

(GLASS RATTLES) You see what he's done now, Arthur?

Offering everyone in the queue water.

Offering everyone in the queue And where do the cups go?

And where do the cups go?

In my bloody bin, that's where.

I promise you, one day, that man is going to enter the gates of hell

I promise you, one day, that man is and not need any introduction.

and not need any introduction.

Been my bin for a long, long time.

(LAUGHS)

Wow.

So, whatever THAT tea was, you'd better spill it.

Really?

Buckle in.

SONG: # Dreamy-eyed memories

# Out on the town

# Go

# Hey, woman... #

(HUMS)

# You were once a girl... # Ah!

# You were once a girl... # # Do you remember... #

# Do you remember... #

Oh!

# How the way your moves

# Could shake the world

# And set you free

# Like a bird

# Off into the night... #

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

# And let the good times (DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

# And let the good times ring on through

# Let 'em ring... #

(GLASSES CLINK) (LAUGHS)

(GLASSES CLINK) And...and Arthur's mother

And...and Arthur's mother

is ducking and weaving And...and Arthur's mother

is ducking and weaving through the crowd.

(LAUGHS) And she's got no top on.

Oh, Kenneth! (KENNETH LAUGHS)

And these two old coppers are chasing after her,

And these two old coppers and she's yelling out,

and she's yelling out,

"Drop acid, not bombs! and she's yelling out,

"Drop acid, not bombs! Drop acid, not bombs!"

"Drop acid, not bombs! (LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

I really don't know why you're telling me

all these stories about my family, Kenneth, honestly.

Well, she sounds like quite the character.

I'll tell you what.

I tried to win her heart many times.

But she only had eyes for your father.

I could have been your father. Oh, no, Kenneth, no!

Oh, "Drop acid, not bombs!" (ALL LAUGH)

Uh, so your dad's restaurant is around here?

Uh, so your dad's restaurant Yeah. Couple of doors up.

Yeah. Couple of doors up.

Well, should we go?

(FUNKY SONG PLAYS FAINTLY)

I, uh...I genuinely hope he's not my dad, to be honest.

(LAUGHS) That would be...

(LAUGHS) Well...

Well...

..this is it.

Leo's African Feel Good Restaurant.

Wow.

Wait.

Wow. The "For lease" sign is gone.

Oh, my God! Mum is gonna freak.

Why? Is she emotionally attached to that particular sign or...

No, she just...

..always wanted me to take this restaurant over, and...

..I just like sleeping too much, you know?

And... (LAUGHS)

And... ..she never wanted to move on.

..she never wanted to move on.

Now she has to.

Just, um...

..you've got, like, Just, um...

..you've got, like, dust on your nose.

I'll just...I can just... Right.

(LAUGHS)

Um...

..so my early start's...

..not on anymore.

Oh. Right.

..if you wanted Oh. Right.

..if you wanted to go do something...

Mmm. ..afterwards.

Mmm. Or do you have to check on Maggie?

Or do you have to check on Maggie?

(LAUGHS)

Um...

..I am pretty sure Um...

..I am pretty sure Maggie is fast asleep.

(PHONE ALERT CHIMES) Oh, my God. She's on the M7.

Your dog's on the M7? Oh, my God!

No, my mum! My mum is on the M7! I thought Maggie was your dog!

No...I never said dog. I never said that word.

Oh, I literally said "your furry little friend".

Which is technically true. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. So many alarm bells are going off in my head right now.

Does your mum know that you're tracking her?

Does your mum know Does your mum know,

Does your mum know,

that you're tracking her?

(MOUTHS WORDS)

I'm serious. His mum. His mother.

WOMAN: (ON PHONE) Oh, hold up. Yeah.

WOMAN: Is this legit? Yep.

And a dog collar. WOMAN: A dog collar?!

I know. WOMAN: Oh, my God!

I know. I know. What's wrong with me?

I know. What's wrong with me?

And then he lost her. WOMAN: Oh, my God.

And then he lost her. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

WOMAN: Uh-huh.

WOMAN: Where do you find these freaks?

(SIGHS AND FASTENS SEATBELT) I know. It sucks.

'Cause I just totally would have slept with him as well.

(INSERTS KEY) ARTHUR: Wait.

You would have...with me?

Shh! I'm talking!

WOMAN: (LAUGHS) Wait. Is that him?

It's...it's a right up here.

Yeah, that's him. WOMAN: Oh, my God. It's him.

I know. He's still here. (ENGINE STARTS)

Maggie! Maggie!

You just missed Arthur.

Oh! Falafels!

Thank you.

And, hey. I didn't just miss Arthur.

Arthur just missed me.

Ah! Ah! (INHALES)

Thanks. Hey.

Why don't you join us for a bit, beautiful?

Why don't you join us for a bit, Ah!

Ah!

In your dreams, Kenneth!

OTHERS: Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

ARTHUR: I think this is the house.

ROSE: OK.

ARTHUR: OK. Thank you.

Hey, look.

I know tonight was a little bit weird, but...

..if you ever wanted to do it again, we could...

Mum!

Come on!

Mum!

(SENSUAL MOANING)

Oh!

Oh, my...God!

WOMAN: Did you hear something?

Oh!

I didn't hear anything.

Oh, my God!

What are you looking at?

Oh.

I was...

You left your wallet.

ARTHUR: Oh!

Um, thanks. (LAUGHS)

Oh. No, no. I wouldn't go up there.

(WOMAN MOANS)

(GASPS)

I think there's someone out there.

Jesus Christ! It's not what you think.

Jesus Christ! That's my sister.

That's my sister.

What?!

Uh...but...

Oh, you are so much worse Uh...but...

Oh, you are so much worse than I thought.

Oh, you are so much worse I...I...I'm really not.

I...I...I'm really not.

You're a freak!

I thought it was my mum!

ROSE: You sicko!

Oh, man.

Huh? Ugh!

Shh! (GAGS)

Shh! I'm a surgeon.

I'm a surgeon.

Any funny business and you'll be leaving without kidneys.

Robbie! It's me, Arthur.

Arthur? (GAGS)

What the... what...what are you doing here?

What the... What are YOU doing here?

What are YOU doing here?

I followed Mum's bracelet.

(GASPS)

Please tell me she's not in there.

Why would I bring Mum here?

Her bracelet is here.

You were incredible tonight, Maggie.

So much energy!

You must have a secret.

Falafels.

Mmm!

We must do this again next week.

Oh.

I'd love to, Tony, but...

..I really want to try some other men.

..I really want to try Maybe even some women.

Maybe even some women.

Now, if you don't mind,

my rideshare's waiting.

ROBBIE: Guess she really wanted me to have it back.

She could be anywhere by now, you know.

She could be anywhere by now, Oh, she'll be at home.

Oh, she'll be at home.

This is your fault, you know.

My fault?! This is your fault, you know.

My fault?! Mmm.

YOU were supposed to be looking after Mum,

YOU were supposed to be not cheating on Liz with some zoomer.

not cheating on Liz with some zoomer.

Who I love and who I have sex with are two different things.

What were you doing in there, by the way?

What were you doing in there, What was that, the...the...

What was that, the...the...

..that thing you were doing, with the whip?

..that thing you were doing, Do women like that?

Do women like that?

You poor naive pervert.

Yes.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Mum!

Mum!

Mum?

Mum!

Mum!

Mum! ROBBIE: Mum!

ARTHUR: Mum!

What's with all the yelling?

You'll give poor old Chong next door a heart attack.

If only.

Wait, is that another rideshare?

Mum! Where have you been?

ROBBIE: Whoa, Mum!

Hottie alert!

(LAUGHS) Hottie alert!

(LAUGHS) Where'd you get THAT dress?

(LAUGHS) Ooh!

Ooh!

I've had too many falafels.

ARTHUR: Wait.

Falafels again? Mum, where have you been?

Oh, here and there.

Is that a dog bowl with a key chain?

Have you been to a roadhouse?

Well...

..I went to get some accessories,

to go with the jewellery.

I knew I left it somewhere.

Alright.

This little puppy's all salsa-ed out.

This little puppy's I'm going to get a cup of tea.

I'm going to get a cup of tea.

Anyone else want one?

No, thank you. No, thank you.

Well, all's well that ends well.

I can return it. There's no...dog fur on it.

See you next week.

Oh. You're just gonna head off, are you?

I need to get back to Liz and the kids.

I need to get back You don't need me to stick around.

You don't need me to stick around.

Oh. Hmm.

Oh. Doesn't look like Liz.

Doesn't look like Liz.

Oh, my God!

You're going back to the kink house.

One day, you'll understand women, baby bro.

One day, Until then...

Until then...

..stay home with Mum.

Bye!

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES) I didn't ask how YOUR date went.

Not good, Mum. (LAUGHS) Oh.

Obviously.

I mean, a young man like you should be out canoodling,

I mean, a young man like you not staying at home with his mum.

not staying at home with his mum.

(LAUGHS)

Yeah, I hadn't considered that. Thank you, Mum.

Well...

..whoever she is,

you are too good for her.

Mmm-mmm!

Mum!

Oh, can you at least walk a few feet behind me?

I should get you one of those backpacks with the leashes.

Yes, I should get one of those for YOU.

Oh, yeah, sure. I'm not the one who goes disappearing every two minutes.

Oh, yeah, sure. I'm not the one who I don't disappear. I just live!

I don't disappear. I just live!

The "For lease" sign is gone.

Oh! So it has.

You knew about this?

I saw it last night. Mum!

It should have been you, Arthur.

Maggie!

Maya! How are you?

Did you get home OK the other night?

Yes. The driver was lovely.

I would have given him five stars for the karaoke alone.

(LAUGHS) ARTHUR: Wait.

Have YOU been putting my mum in those rideshares?

Maybe once or twice.

I've...I've been helping out at Dance West.

It's above Paws R Us.

Maggie's been dropping by to shake her bon-bon.

Wait. Above Paws R Us? That's where you and Dad used to dance.

Yes, we did, and I'm pretty sure

your father was looking down on me last night,

because these hips don't lie. your father was looking down on me last night,

because these hips don't lie.

because these hips don't lie. (LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

ARTHUR: Um, I think...

..this is yours.

Yes!

Now my students can go to the bathroom again.

You know, you can get much smaller keyrings than that.

I had a lot of trouble fitting that in my bag.

I had a lot of trouble Yeah, that is kind of the point.

Yeah, that is kind of the point.

But...thank you, Maggie.

(LAUGHS)

ARTHUR: Thank you for looking after Mum.

ARTHUR: Oh. It's fine. (LAUGHS)

Oh. It's fine. (LAUGHS)

How much do I owe you for the...cars? Oh.

No. Don't worry about it.

Just, um, you know...

..just buy me dinner sometime.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Uh, I will.

(LAUGHS) Oh, no, I...

Oh. Oh.

I... Oh, like, I didn't...yeah.

Uh... I didn't realise you were...

Uh...oh, I...I mean, uh, what I should say is are you

Uh...oh, I...I mean, Team Al-Yasa or Team Kenneth?

Team Al-Yasa or Team Kenneth?

Uh...

..well, actually, um,

Dad and I have just leased the shopfront next door,

the old African restaurant, so...

..technically, I am...

..Team Maya. (LAUGHS)

As in...

..Leo's Feel Good Restaurant?

Yeah. That's the one. (LAUGHS)

Oh, wow.

(LAUGHS)

Um...I'm Arthur.

And I am... Um...I'm Arthur.

And I am...

..still Maya. (LAUGHS)

Oh!

Oh! I'm so glad this is happening.

I'm so glad this is happening.

Arthur's been very lonely.

You should see the amount of coconut oil he's been going through.

You should see the amount of Ah...

Ah...

It's for salads.

I'm sure. (LAUGHS)

Yeah. I'm sure. (LAUGHS)

Yeah. Yeah. Uh...

Yeah. We got a lot of cooking to do.

We got a lot of cooking to do.

Get this...back. OK. Don't we, Mum? Let's go.

Bye. See you. Bye. Bye. Bye, Maggie.

Bye. See you. Bye. (LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

ARTHUR: God, Mum! (LAUGHS)

ARTHUR: God, Mum! MAGGIE: What?

One day, I'm walking home from school and Kenneth and Al-Yasa

are literally throwing charcoal chickens at each other

are literally throwing across the street.

across the street.

(LAUGHS) across the street.

(LAUGHS) I got hit with a drumstick.

(LAUGHS) It got me.

It got me.

Well, I'm just glad you're here to tell the tale.

Well, I'm just glad you're here to tell the tale. Captions by Red Bee Media

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation