Original subtitles

Hey, what's with the demonic screaming?

Get it? It's a joke. Fuck you, I get no respect. What's wrong? You look more

disgusting than usual. I had a nightmare. I was opening the end of the

and then... It was a prophetic dream I have when I sleep sober. It's why I

drink, to shut the door to my clairvoyance and pretend I have some sad

over my destiny.

Yeah, I pop tranquilizers like jelly beans to ward off the prophecy dreams.

Ironic, yes, but also very, very true.

No, no, no. I am not going to destroy humanity.

Doesn't seem like that's what your prophetic dreams say.

It's not a prophetic dream. Plus, I have three scratches on my cheek, so it

can't... They look like that?

Yes, exactly.

Prophetic dreams can't be wrong, Stan.

Yep. Anyway, come on. We have tickets for Billy Elliot.

Billy Elliot? For real?

Run, Ro, baby. That way we can watch the child actors become broken toys without

missing a thing. If we see one wisp of a mustache, we can tell production and

watch them get fired at intermission.

Thanks for doing this, you guys. Just stop by hell and grab the tickets.

forgot them. What the fuck do you want from me? I'm drunk to stop prophetic

dreams. How many times do I have to tell you?

Billy Elliot, I'm so excited. This is the best present I've ever gotten.

The story of a boy who just wants to sing and dance, but his family won't let

him. It's like he's talking right to me.

Yeah, yeah, all songs are about you, Stan.

Well, the one difference being that Billy Elliot's father wasn't the most

powerful, merciless, and malignant being in creation. Let's grab those tickets.

I want to get there early and buy a T -shirt before all the pedophiles get to

them. Surprise!

For he's a jolly good empty bride!

Surprise party, that's so great. Sorry, I can't stay long. We have tickets to go

see Billy Elliot.

Nope, we for sure don't. It was all I to bring you to the surprise party in

hell. Cool.

Just one note, the fake plan shouldn't be better than the real one. No, I like

this one better. Yeah, besides, there won't be a next time when you destroy

world.

I want to give you my present, Stan. I've brought for you the greatest actor

all. Michael Jordan? Marlon Brando. That was my second guess.

Don't worry about it. I love Space Jam. I don't know why he didn't make more

movies. Mr. Brando, it's an honor to meet you. Pleasure is mine, Stan. But

are you here in hell, Mr. Brando? That's not nice to ask, Stan.

Seriously, it's like asking why you're in jail.

Want some bread and butter?

No, thank you.

Your attention, please.

You know I don't like making speeches, but the occasion demands it. How about

you turn off your damn phone?

Seriously. Oh, it's mine. Sorry, I have to grab this. Hi. Yeah, I'll be there. I

got an audition. I gotta run. Stan, that's sweet, but it's time to cut the

and destroy humanity.

But this could be a big chance, Dad. It's for a musical.

For what musical?

I don't know. Who cares? Tell me what musical.

Just a normal one.

Say the name.

Jesus Christ Superstar.

But, Dad. Not another word. You have six days, six hours, and six minutes to

prepare yourself to end the world.

Samael, Mephisto, you will help him with whatever he needs to finally do this.

You will not rest, you will not eat, and you will not drink until the world is

ready to drown in flames. Six days without a drink?

Tranquilizers and any kind of drug are also forbidden.

What happens when I finally do this? I'll join the legions of heaven to

righteously annihilate you and all that you love.

Oh boy, that's not fun.

Yeah, and I don't think you'll last long. You're very weak, you know.

When I look into your eyes, Gabby, my heart, it shivers at the sight.

I just can't believe our destiny is to face one another in this wicked game.

I don't want to slay them and humanity inflame.

I just want to be with you.

Where we live and we sing and you call out my name.

But the apocalypse is coming all the same.

Armageddon, Armageddon, Armageddon. The final show.

Armageddon.

Thank you, thank you. At least it'll be a heck of an end. Of course, it'll be a

thing to see.

Wait! I think I have an idea.

Come on, let's end the world already. I've been sober for three hours, and I'm

starting to think clearly.

Finally, an end to humanity, and most important, an end to frozen yogurt

They're everywhere.

I love how psyched you guys are for Armageddon to get here, because we have

over six days to prepare for... Armageddon the Musical!

Well, he's totally lost his mind. Bound to happen, it's the half -human part.

Let's go tell Satan.

Oh, you think he'll kill him? I hope he kills him. No, no, no, no. We are still

completely obeying my dad's orders, but don't take my word for it. Ask my

lawyer. That's right. The binding verbal contract between my client and Satan

specifies that Stan will bring about Armageddon, but not the format

will take. Hence, Armageddon the Musical is completely within the law. Goddamn

lawyer scum of the earth! They're worse than Froyo! Here's the elevator pitch

for Armageddon the Musical.

It's the story of a boy who wants to live his own life. I want my father to

under... I understand that he has to let me fly free.

We'd love for you to take a look here at the libretto. How dare you? I wrote the

complete works of Shakespeare in an afternoon.

My eyes are bleeding.

We're happy to hear any notes.

Yeah, yeah, I'll look it over, but strive to maintain the artistic essence.

And just what the fuck are you going to ask me to do? I refuse to act in your

stupid play.

Well, really, we'd love for you to take charge of the production.

I organized the conquest of Phoenicia at the hands of Alexander the Great. Now

you want me to take charge of your dumb little show?

You're legally, um, obliged.

The end of the world cannot come fast enough.

Attention! This is an announcement for everyone who's come to the audition.

We'll call you up by your number. Know that this job is not paid. The payment

comes in the world not ending.

We're actors! We don't need money!

We are actors! We live from giving handies! We live from giving handies! We

actors! We live by the handies! Okay, totally get it.

Sam. Are you Kewl?

Couldn't possibly be Kewler.

Ah, fuck!

Dreams are back, huh? That's why I keep drinking coffee. The trick is using

Bonster instead of water. I was gonna put some blow in it, but did you know

that's also considered a drug?

It's crazy.

There is no way that could have been a vision of the future.

I was kissing Surt. You in a toxic relationship? Never. Totally impossible.

No, no. Surt had different hair and stuff. Blonde with Californian streaks.

Yeah? How did you know?

He's right there.

Aloha, people. Hey there, Sam. I came to audition for the world's chillest

musical. You got highlights.

Yeah, it's my way of deconstructing my masculinity. I'm an ally. I even painted

my nails.

That is so... Still in black, though. I'm an ally, but not a shirtlifter. Can

say shirtlifter, or is that homophobic?

We just wanna, just wanna.

Oh, pigeons, pigeons just wanna have fun.

That's fantastic.

My name's Keanu, Keanu Reeves. Oh, Keanu, I loved your last role, except I

remember if it was John Wick or Neo because you do them all the same, all

same. That's why I'm here, to leave my comfort zone, try something new. I guess

I'm not the world's most versatile actor.

I'll find something.

Number 23?

You may know me as Michael Jordan. I took my first steps in the seventh art

playing myself in... Space Jam, the greatest film in history!

Today I'll be performing a monologue from the work Braveheart by Australian

author Mel Gibson.

William Wallace looks at his companions emotionally. What would you do

without... Libert... Libert... Liberty?

Michael,

listen, uh, this... Maybe it's too small for you. You are rejecting me?

Michael Jordan?

I took that personal.

My therapist told me I could restore some of my privileges if I make some

which is why I'd love to be part of this company.

We need someone to play Satan, and you do certainly fit the bill.

All right, here's a new version of the show. Now your character wants to

the entire world, and your father, who's a baker, simply won't let him. You're

telling my story, Mephisto. That's the same story. As I said to Lubitsch, let

the public put two and two together, and they'll love you.

Samael! My stage needs a play worthy of its words. What kind of producer are

you?

I brought us to Carnegie Hall.

This good enough for you, Mephisto? Group teleportation? Are you insane?

When out of every six people teleported ends up exploding.

One, two, three, two.

Just as well.

It's not like I'm happy, but all things considered.

Yeah, could have been worse. We were all very fortunate.

Well, anyway, this theater will do, Samael. Who are all you and what are you

doing here?

Hey, it's Raphael, a famed Mexican crooner.

Ooh, I love your rancheras.

Go on, get. This theater is ours now.

Tonight is not tu gran noche, get it?

Samael, put more oomph in that brush.

I'm doing my best. I'm tired. I don't want to sleep because I don't want any

more prophetic dreams about certs. Hey, kiddos, mind if I insert myself?

No, we're good, thanks. If you'll allow, paint from Valhalla, you'll freak,

buddy.

Wow, it's beautiful.

No more beautiful than you.

Sometimes I think I demand too much of my son, but is it really so much to ask?

He's following my footsteps of destruction. Kind of a Godfather

This is gonna sound terrible, but I haven't actually seen the Godfather. I

some major gaps with the classics. I didn't see him at the time, and now I

like I missed the train, you know?

Don't worry, they're overrated. I asked them to write my lines on post -it notes

so I wouldn't have to memorize it. You know the story, right?

It's about a Godfather. I play the boss of a mob family.

Oh! Oh, okay. Yeah, I'm with you. Michael was my firstborn, so he has to

my footsteps.

Okay, okay. Cool, cool. I'm digging it. What he doesn't want to do? That's just

like us.

Until... Until what? What? My enemies shoot me in the street.

Yeah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I'd rather it didn't come to that, but thanks. Now I

don't have to see the movies.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, son. How are you? Getting on with the end of the world?

Yeah, good, yeah.

I made a couple flyers.

You are invited to the premiere of Armageddon.

Do you really think this is necessary?

If you do it right, don't you think people may find out what's happening as

happens? Yeah, well, it's kind of to have as a souvenir.

Whatever you say, son. Anyway, I gotta go. I'm in a hurry. It's tomorrow. Don't

forget. Okay, very good. I won't.

Cerberus, I command you go and fetch me an actor who can pass for an angel.

We're about to get started here.

Think we should wake him up?

Poor thing hasn't slept in six days.

Bach, prophetic dream. Did you dream the play was a hit? I can't tell you. Don't

ask me. Let's just get ready. We're about to open here.

Ah, Bach, that really, dang.

Let me help you a moment.

Carnegie Hall. You know, I was in a play here. It was just before selling your

soul. To the devil for a better acting career.

Yes, exactly. You still remember.

Of course. What's wrong, Satan? Your boy's about to destroy humanity. Aren't

proud? What? Yeah, very proud.

Oh, it's starting. It's starting.

We've gathered you here now for mankind's final bow.

The end of days has come and dark clouds are out. Your wasted

tale is ending.

Darkness on that wing.

With this song we shall torment you. A heavy rhythm from hell sent to.

Darkness swallows in good time.

When men shall suffer their crimes.

We now begin the end time.

Stan, Keanu, you're on. Oh, I'm so nervous. Break a leg.

Yeah, let's do this.

This is the tale of Nat, a good child who hoped to follow his dream.

Yes, I have a dream.

To destroy the world. That's a good dream. My little boy.

But his father has forbidden it. His father wants him to bake bread.

The trick to a good bread is the knead.

It's the need, it's the need, it's the need.

But I don't want to bake the bread.

I want humankind to be dead.

Never!

There's no need, there's no need, there's no need.

There's a need, there's a need, there's a need.

Bake up the sourdough.

Chaos and hunger.

Flour, oil and water.

Plague and death and slaughter.

From wheat and from corn. From smelt and from rye.

To darkness I am sworn.

Humanity shall die.

Corn. The storm.

that his son is not merely an extension of himself?

Oh, I guess.

Think I'm losing my heart now.

He's losing it.

I think I'm losing my mind.

He's losing heart.

Destroy the world now.

Or destroy the heart inside.

Boy, that's a tough one there.

I must accept my destiny.

the best in me.

I will honor my father. He will honor his father. And bake the

sourdough. And bake the sourdough.

I am glad you've come around, my son. You shall never destroy the world. Yes,

will. Or not. Or bake bread.

Stan will do whatever he wants to because he's not a child anymore.

I understood you.

I understood, Stan.

All things to art.

No matter what you say, this is the end, Satan. The apocalypse will begin.

For us to make sure of it.

The fuck? I didn't write that.

If anyone's an angel, it's Keanu Reeves for sure.

Lord, forgive me. No! No!

Keanu!

Now I have no choice but to avenge my father.

Save only one small detail. This is all bullshit. Get up, Dad. You're making a

fool of yourself.

You knew the whole time, boy.

Okay, very good. I won't.

Cerberus, I command you go and fetch me an actor who can pass for an angel. I

like the guy who plays John Wick in The Matrix.

So then you attack me with this flaming angelic blade to achieve what I call the

godfather of... Finally, I play the villain.

No, you're playing an angel.

I'm typecast. It is my fate. Oh, and this is a secret.

I'm not so good at keeping secrets.

Oh, how embarrassing.

Tell me, Stan, how did you know?

There's a need, there's a need, there's a need. Stan, Stan, your father knows

about the play, and he's convinced Keanu Reeves to kill him to set up a

Godfather 1 situation.

I told you I wasn't good at keeping secrets.

He's not good at keeping the secret.

Hold on. How did you know Keanu was an angel? The identity of angels is a

secret. Even I didn't know.

I didn't. I'm not an angel.

And the wings?

I got nothing for you, man. I think I just got too into the role.

I'm a pretty good actor.

Okay, never mind all that, Stan. While I was watching the performance, I

couldn't stop thinking about that awful Baker father who forces his son to walk

in his own flawed footsteps.

And as the finale crescendoed, it was then that I realized that terrible

was in fact me all along. Let him put it together.

If you want to sing, my boy, I will never be the one who stops you. Dad, I

you so much. I love you, my son.

Now at last I see Now at last I see How it all should be How it all should be I

see you.

It's not hard to understand one another.

Open up your ears and hear each other.

You just have to learn to be wrong sometimes.

You just have to learn to let them fly high again.

It's a magic feeling you can't replace.

Let that light shine all upon my face.

It's a simple joy to listen to you.

Now at last I see how it all should be. It's just you and me, I hear you.

See? Prophetic dreams don't mean a darn thing, right, Samael? You kissing certs?

Can you imagine?

Well, now that you mention it.

If you say one word about this, I will cut your balls off.

I'm a gentleman, so I won't say anything, but maybe I did graze a little

Prophetic dreams are never wrong, that much we have proven, but now I am free!

It was totally worth it.

No, no, no, they don't always come true because yours didn't come true, right,

Mephisto? Don't ask that.

What did you dream? Nothing, damn it. Tell me what you dreamt! All right, I

dreamt... Tell me what you dreamt! All right, I dreamt this, exactly this.

Exactly this. And you made it come true, dumbass. No, my prophetic dream can't

come true, please.

What did you dream, son?

I dreamt that I opened the ends of the world box and I... But why would you do

something like that?

I told you I took it personal.

And this is my theater.

You both, you're the archangels.

Michael Jordan leaping from the free throw line.

Wow, it's like that man can fly.

It's Rafael, a Portuguese crooner.

He sings like an angel.

Now it all makes sense.

Finally, the time has come for the last battle.

Stop it, please!

I'll never unleash the apocalypse, I swear!

We'll see what you do when we strike down your father.

It's tough not to crack. It won't be easy to take me down. But I may be so

empowered again.

Thank you.

mortal world.