Original subtitles

Oh, the nerves that you get before an audition. The competition with your

friends. The thrill that this may finally be your big break. So many

And he passed out. Yeah, the guy works nonstop. Not easy being an actor here.

Yeah, that's true. Are you an actor as well? Indeed, but this guy has a job in

an Italian restaurant in Queens by day, and he's out all night giving handjobs

downtown. Wow, that's great.

An entrepreneur.

As for me, I'm drinking guys in a gas station near Home Plus. One of my

is a dealer who gives me speed, so I don't need to sleep. Guess I'm just

blessed. I'm on the Upper East. They call me Swank Wanks. Where do you give

handies? No, I don't really give handjobs.

I'm sorry, what? Did he say he doesn't give handies? I think so. You say you

don't give handies?

Yeah, that's what I said. Then how do you live?

Maybe he makes it up with his acting, right?

Well, my folks help out with the apartment and expenses and stuff, so...

he's a rich kid. Being kept is disgusting.

I feel dirty being at someone's beck and call, and I give handoffs for $5.

$5? No wonder I'm losing clients. You're flooding the damn market. I believe in

a free market economy, asshole.

Stanislavski and Adam Smith, my icon.

Remember how we were going on about killing the neighbor with rat poison

yesterday? As I recall, I preferred arsenic. Well, look at all these ads I

got on Instagram. It's all rat poison, rat poison, rat poison.

Oh, hey, rat problems. Sale on rat poison. I swear this cell phone's

Why would they listen to you? You're incredibly boring. My friends. I have an

announcement. I'm going to be making a living on my own. There are only two

weeks until Armageddon, and I want to fight for my dreams without the class

advantages that a wealthy family provides.

Great decision, Stan.

This, of course, means you'll also be paying rent. As your family, we can let

you have the room for five grand a month. Oh, wow.

What's the price for non -family?

Three grand. We don't really like the family. I don't have that much, though.

Well, in that case, the door's on the wall. I mean, if you really want to live

your life and all that shit you said a second ago.

Yeah. Yeah, I do. Great.

What you're doing is very brave. Here are your things.

Thanks. Good luck.

This will work out great for you. The actor who did hand jobs in Brooklyn

So there's a gap there.

I guess I could look into it. Goodbye, friends. You think he's going to die?

Oh, yeah.

Shame. We should have licked his butthole first.

Really? Licking the Antichrist's butthole gives you immortality.

that. Now that you say that, actually... It's a pretty...

The secret to immortality. We found it. Finally.

Hello, New York. The theater of our dreaming.

Watch as the second act of my life begins today. Get out of the way. Sorry.

Hello, kid.

Sorry, ma 'am. Sorry.

Come on.

Hey, stop, Stan.

You okay?

I left home. I wanted to make it all on my own, but it's kind of a lot.

I think I'm having a panic attack.

I can't even move.

You can't move?

No. What a shame.

Honestly, it's normal. I've had my share, too. This city can be very

It's a moving train, and it just won't stop. What are you doing? My third job.

I'm mugging you. Handing out the hand jobs isn't what it used to be. Too much

competition. But you're just taking it?

You're not going to pull a knife or a syringe or something menacing?

Fuck, you're right. See, that's my problem. I don't get inside the rolls

they don't cast me.

No, hold it. I didn't mean that.

No. Stop.

Good luck with your new life. Bye.

Hey, get the fuck out of the way. Do the world a favor and drag yourself into an

alley so you're out of sight. I thought he'd be dead already.

Do you think we were a bit hard on Stan?

I don't think so. Me neither.

Though I can't help thinking that in a manner of speaking, you and I are kept

too. What do you mean?

We don't have jobs in so many words. We've got a drawer full of gold coins,

it's not like we really earned them. Hey, I could make money whenever I

You'd have it a bit tougher. Don't take this the wrong way, but you're a cat and

a black one at that, so... And you're a woman. Haven't heard of the salary gap,

eh? Ever heard of racism? Glass ceiling?

Speciism? Harassment?

Discrimination for your shortness? Gender bias? Not to mention bad luck.

bad luck!

Coincidence!

Hey, this is my alley.

Sorry, I'm sorry. Don't worry, I have a cardboard box for guests. Want a grape?

I hate to throw away food waste, you know. Oh, thanks.

Don't settle in, this is temporary.

Couple months at most.

No, no, I only need to rest a while.

See, I'm an actor. No handjobs in my alley!

Who do you think could earn a living in New York? You know, like a human?

Neither of you. You're lazy, proud, and basically useless.

You wouldn't survive a week in the asphalt jungle.

Or the regular jungle.

Harsh, but fair. I think you guys are great. I bet I could make a living

this ridiculous cat.

Well, pet is on, then. All right. The winner will be the first one to make, I

don't know, something symbolic. Ten million dollars?

Twenty million?

Is that a lot? Or, uh, never mind. Whoever makes the most money wins. Oh,

this'll be fun.

Hey! Are you looking for a waitress? You're going to work with customers. You

have to be friendly because tips are the salary.

Me! Me! Me! Me! Hire me!

Okay, show me a smile.

There's no social security, insurance, or working hours.

Seeing you two smile is incredibly unpleasant.

I'll take Thelma out. At least she has boobs.

What did you say?

Hate the game, not the player.

I knew I should have given myself tits. Wish me luck. I'm going to go find a

job. How hard could it be?

It can't be that hard to make a living. I mean, look around. All the idiots in

this city have managed it. That's the attitude. The first part of success is

visualizing it. Keep the self -help shit inside, yeah? With pleasure.

We're looking for volunteers to participate in paid medical experiments.

Say no more. It's work and they drug me up. What more can a cat ask for in this

world? There you go. Good things happen to good people. Great. I'll go with you.

How long do you figure it'll take to get to 10 million? Think it'll be today?

Hey, Stan, you want the leftovers of a leftover kebab?

Who could say no in almost slobber -free?

This is the city of opportunity.

I just need a stroke of luck.

Yeah, of course, whatever you say.

Are you hurt? Do you need help? No, I'm great. Three days of all work, no sleep,

and no food. I'm mid -shift right now. I think maybe you need a little rest. A

delivery man only rests when he's dead.

I'm just going to drink a little of my own urine real quick.

Nope, urine's not doing it this time.

This is the end. Will you do me one favor? Of course.

Will you take my place? Make sure this package gets delivered. Only then can I

die in peace.

I was just looking for a job. This is perfect.

Then kneel. In the name of the most holy order of the delivery men, I place upon

you my cap and my bottle of pee.

I name you my successor and entrust you my package. Rise as the delivery man you

were always meant to be.

Thank you, thank you. It's okay. You can keep your bottle. You're going to need

it. It's illegal to stop and pee, so you have to do it while you deliver. Plus,

it's filled with nutrients.

I'll take it so I don't have to argue. Deliver the package.

Do it. And do it today or they'll duck your pay.

There you go, Stato. Stroke of luck. Yeah, I mean, sorry he's dead, but hey,

I've got a job. Oh, this is 15 hours on foot.

Hurry, you fool.

Packages wait for no one.

You should get rid of these throths. They kill turtles. Oh, yeah? How many?

I don't know. Lots.

They're called ocean assassins. Sure, we'll think about it. Anyway, that $7

plus tip... Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm against the tip system.

It puts the onus on the customer, and in my opinion, if you can't pay a decent

salary, you shouldn't be hiring.

Oh, look, I have exact change. Thank you.

Get out of here.

I was going to stay and read.

Get out of here!

I can go for a walk, too, I guess. Haven't gone on a walk in a good long

Bottle comes out of your salary, which doesn't exist. You owe me 50 bucks.

Continue straight for 56 miles.

Okay, Stan, it's all psychological. A good attitude is key to success.

Work dignifies man, so let's get this bread.

Yep, yep, yep.

I got a job. I have a salary. Plus, I get to stroll around taking in the glory

of nature.

Hooray for Stan.

It looks like little Stan ain't doing so bad.

On the contrary, little Stan is doing just great. I'm a functional adult.

The most functional.

I'm not even tired. I'm feeling great.

You're feeling great, Stan. I even feel like I could fly if I wanted. Go for it.

You totally can.

It's for Tick Little. That's me.

Oh, yeah?

Oi, the CEO of Little Dick Express?

That's right, and you made it, Stan.

You're a hero. All delivery men are. If not for you, I wouldn't be where I am

today. Now, let's see what you brought me.

Looks like it's a ticket for a space flight, and it's for you. It's for me?

indeed. Hard work has many rewards.

Thank you so much. I don't even know what to say. You smell like urine.

Mmm, smells so fresh.

Sign here, here, and here.

Sorry, old habit. I take contracts very seriously.

That should be everything.

What are we testing?

I don't want to get fancy. I'm open to any opiate. Oh, wait. Are you studying

some kind of speed?

Oh, I'm crazy. Me?

My signature look.

No, first we're going to test the effects of emptying a full can of

into your eyes.

Some negative effect.

The effects are always negative. I don't know why we keep testing it.

Anyway, get comfortable. I'll be back in a moment. We'll get this party started.

What the devil is this? They're treating me like a monkey!

It's always nice to get visitors. You're going to have a great time.

Ignore him. He's up to his ass on morphine. This is going to suck. Now, if

you'll excuse me, I have to study. They modified his brain, and he's getting a

law degree by mail. He's a rat as smart as a squirrel.

I'm so grateful for the opportunity, Mr. Little, but I have a touch of vertigo

and some claustrophobia, plus all these packages to deliver, so... Liftoff!

Three, two, one.

Or I could stay. I guess I'm going to stay.

Thaw Mile, I don't like your attitude. I don't care who comes through that door.

You greet them with a charming smile.

All right, it can't be that hard.

Yo, guys, how's it hanging? You look great.

Oh, my God, fuck this shit. Just in case you forgot, you work for tips.

Hey, sir.

How are you?

Swell. I'm doing swell. How are you?

Oh, you know.

You're working here? I love it. You've always had a gift with people. Oh, you

should get rid of straws. You know they're super dangerous to marine life.

Turtle assassins. Yeah, well, for sure. Think about it. So, you feel like a

drinker? I haven't come to drink a thing. On the contrary, I've come to let

drink from my heart.

I fucked it up.

Loved you and fucked it up.

Loved you and fucked it up.

I loved you when I did it badly.

Pushed you away, far away.

But now I have changed.

Deconstructed my heart.

I am now an ally.

No killing my customers. You told me to smile, and I've smiled the whole time.

You said nothing about killing.

It's on the sign.

Oh, fucking come on.

How about we talk another day? You seem busy, Sam. Oh, peace out, you guys.

Hey, my tip.

Wake up, sleepyhead.

On to the next test.

No, no more.

acid in my eyes please relax it's all okay this next experiment is important

it could save millions of lives we've injected you with testicular cancer

lemon what have you done now we're going to test an innovative new treatment

that could mean a brand new hope to all those afflicted by the terrors of this

absolutely horrific disease and that is we're going to slam you in the nuts with

this massive phone book damn looks like it didn't work the cancer hasn't

subsided how do you know you haven't even I hit you with a thick book. Even a

plumber would know that one wasn't going to work. Then why did you do it?

Because I am not a plumber. I'm a scientist!

Excellent. In ten seconds, we'll enter orbit. The point of this flight is to

announce and celebrate the merger of the world's top three companies.

Little Dick Express.

Worldwide, we Wang Corp. And Pia Picanha Limited. Such a grand event deserved an

equally grand setting.

To the merger! To the merger! To the merger!

To the merger!

And there's something most people don't know about space law. There is none. And

you can't be tried for crimes you commit in space.

What are you doing? I'm formalizing our merger in the old -fashioned way.

Mmm, pretty good, but could do with a little extra flavor.

Get it? Because it's a heart, it doesn't taste good.

What's wrong with me? I can't move.

Well, you see, the champagne had a powerful muscle paralyzer in it. Don't

resist. Sick!

We're friends. Oh, yeah, about that. Remember when you beat me on that silly

Forbes list and I said I was happy for you? That was so nice of you. I lied.

I toss a little spice.

It's a running gag.

Now, it's true that some experiments may seem a bit absurd.

Some? But be proud. You're going to be a part of the greatest experiment in the

history of science. The Immortal Project.

What's that shit? And why does my back itch? Dick Little, the world's richest

man, is commissioned to study to lengthen the human life far beyond its

biological limits. We are producing organs and body parts that will replace

originals when they deteriorate. We have human parts growing on our backs. It's

really thrilling.

I've got a fucking ear.

And I have no idea what this is, but I think it's going to be a cute little

pinky finger.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you got it. It's a dick.

And me, what have I got?

And you, sir?

The views aren't that majestic. I expected more. Well, a disappointment.

you have $100 billion, it's hard to be impressed anymore. I'd like to go home

now. You know what, Stan?

All the money in the world can't stop your balls from sprouting gray hairs and

hanging low as teabags. You seem pretty fine to me.

Yeah, but what do you think these satellites are for? I have an Instagram

on real life.

Oh, boy.

I knew it. I knew you couldn't have such nice skin. These wretched bastards can

live without their hearts because they don't use it.

Maybe now.

Well, good.

How do I turn this back on?

That's it. Now where were we? Do you know how I managed to start my first

business? With hope and hard work? With a million dollars from my dad. Okay.

But the real question is, what good is being rich if in the end you still die?

Do you know how hard it is to see your staff with their supple young bodies

grooving? Not even making them drink pee alleviates that sting. I want them all

to suffer, to die, and I want to live forever to enjoy it. I can't groove, I

swear. Please, please don't rip out my heart. No, I won't rip your heart out,

Stan.

That's not the plan.

Son of the Dark One, offspring of Satan, herald of destruction, I am going to

lick your butthole.

I call this next experiment drill in the fucking head. How exciting. What's it

for? For my ASMR channel. Try to scream softly, please.

Poor Mittens. He's an idiot, but I'll miss him.

Fuck this. It's gone far enough.

I call this experiment find out if hell exists. Spoiler.

Yes. But you signed a contract into everything I asked. of you. It's

blood. Shit, it says that? It does, right there. You didn't read it? I don't

well close up, but I don't like to wear glasses. I'm such a flirt.

Now kindly let go of me, if you please.

I am so sorry, Mittens.

My dad, look.

Oh, oh, remember ASMR, please.

Thank you.

Wait, Mephisto, technically that arm isn't yours. It's Dick Little's. So the

didn't sign the contract.

Right. Arm, sir, would you like to save this dumb rabbit?

Think. That was actually starting to hurt.

Fuck.

Why are we screaming?

No reason, no reason. You're doing great.

No, please, you can't do this to me. How about you give this idiot's neck a

little hug? No, no, no.

Some damn fine cherry pie.

I just get into watching Twin Peaks.

Just seeing Kyle MacLachlan's name in the credits is enough to give me

goosebumps. Look, look.

A true fan.

And one that deserves a great tip. Oh my gosh, my first tip. But first, the last

cherry.

Lost log. You said this would never happen, but this wonderful girl is about

give me my very first tip.

Wouldn't she have to be alive for that?

No. No! She choked on it. Okay, it's fine. It's not the first time I've done

tracheotomy. Small incisions to the trachea, and now we need a straw so the

can get in.

What the fuck is wrong with this straw?

I got paper straws. There were a lot of complaints.

Because of the turtles.

It's the advantage of listening to everyone's conversations. Most of them

crap, sure, but occasionally you hear some very useful things. Licking the

Antichrist butthole gives you mortality. Everybody knows that.

Now to laugh at the fountain of eternal life.

No! No!

Eternity, come unto me.

Help!

Cabin decompression. Critical...

No! What have you done?

This seems inefficient.

Strangle faster.

The arm isn't so strong. It'll probably take a bit.

Samuel, the poster. Don't kill the customers.

I've had it with your rules. This isn't over.

I want my damn tip, and death is not stopping me.

Abandon ye the realm of the dead.

Return, if not to life, then to a shadow of it.

with Earth in A.

Come on!

Quickly now!

Let me lick your butthole or I'll die!

Do you want me to die, Stan?

I honestly don't know what to tell you, sir!

I'd rather stay here. I'm fine. That's okay, little guy. There's a pile of

carrots for you.

I've gotten used to this. I wouldn't really know what to do outside.

Live, Mittens.

That's what we'll do.

Live. I've got something in my eye.

So, correct me if I'm wrong, your tongue's very dry, like a cat. Looks

someone else had problems in the labor market, too, huh? Hey, what's up?

It's trying to get to its real owner with my hair. Oh, and my tiny dinky,

My replacement limbs.

Come to me!

So? This is goodbye.

You give great scratches. I'll never forget.

Oh, bigger than the last.

Well, I'm out of here. I need a drink. And now my tip.

I don't feel the air. I don't feel anything. What happened to me? Oh, yeah,

well, you're undead now. You're going to live for all time on the nightmare

border between being and not being. Not alive, but unable to die.

All of this for your stupid tip?

No, no, please.

For something much more. To win a bet with that asshole Mephisto.

Fuck yourself.

Fuck yourself.

Fuck yourself.

You're a monster.

Look who's talking about monsters.

I am a god amongst humans, and I owe it all to you, Stan.

Ask of me what you desire.

Honestly, I'd just like you to pay me. Of course. Well, that's a little

complicated. The first week is an internship, and the experience is your

Okay, that makes sense. As it is, Stan, I hear you're an actor, so I have a

proposal for you.

Tell me it's not. Yeah, it is.

You didn't earn a single dollar, and you're going to give me a good tip, or

rip your eyes out. So in the end, I win the bet thanks to you. Samuel, I do not

give a shit. Forget the tip, Sam. I'm canning your ass. What?

I'm asking him for it nicely.

If this is unlawful dismissal, here's my card.

Camembert attorney. I have my own practice. I work there, too. I'm never

again in my life. All work is a form of prostitution. This round is on me.

Someone just earned their first ten dollars.

Don't ask me how.