Original subtitles

Happy International Cat Day, everybody. I made this cat cake to celebrate with

you all, gluten -free and celiac -friendly. Right, gluten is the devil.

sugar either because Mom's diabetic.

Oh, I'm not diabetic, sweetheart. I'm actually just a morphine addict. Time

no more family secrets.

Why, thank you for your honesty, Mom. Honestly, I think after having a son

Satan, morphine is the bare minimum. The cake is also vegan to celebrate

Mephisto's newfound animal awareness.

I'm grateful vodka's made of potatoes.

Stan, the cake is a thing of beauty.

But I really think you should be a little more focused on doing evil as the

Antichrist. Yeah, for sure. Tomorrow I'm going to do, like, so much evil bad

things. Like, super bad. It's gonna be crazy.

Tomorrow's no good. It's gonna be Rad Monday. One day we demons who inhabit

Earth are forbidden from doing evil. Not only that, we actually have to be kind

of nice and do at least one good deed before sunset or be condemned to eternal

torment, just like Astaroth.

Kill me!

Please kill me!

It's the dumbest day of the whole stupid year and it starts in ten seconds.

I don't know about you, but I'm going to spend these last moments being a

complete monster. I shall not shed a single tear when your disgusting faces

to ash and rot among the dirt. You all have no clue how often I have been

tempted to crush your pathetic skulls like the insects you are.

I love you all with the same intensity that you show your frustration.

The real hell is anything else shared with you thickening fawns of petulant

harpies.

Would you care for a slice of cake?

I most certainly would. Pure ambrosia. Happy Red Monday, my family. Happy Red

Monday, everyone. Oh, I'm going to do so much good today.

And Red Monday is a special day for me, too. I got tickets to Sicily, Indiana,

and Las Vegas.

I'll call you from there, son.

Oh, no. I can do a face time with you. I learned how to do them. Oh, yeah.

That's so great. If I have signal, of course. I've got so much good to plan.

I'm going to start really simple, like feeding the pigeons.

The ones in Central Park have stumps instead of legs. Are they fighting each

other? Are they playing that knife game? Who knows? At 9 o 'clock, it's straight

to Fifth Avenue. That's when the sitting yoga ladies show up, and I'll help them

cross the street. They just get so tired.

Can't talk right now, Mom. I'll continue my elaborate plan of good days until

the butterfly effect of each single action becomes like a wave that will end

a fair distribution of global wealth sometime just before sundown.

What? That was the moment for some epic music.

Sorry, it's this new virtual assistant.

I can't figure the damn thing out.

Olivia, play some tense music.

To enjoy a better experience, please configure your preferences on the cell

phone app.

Let me help you. Come on, Samael. You're a disaster with new technology.

Who needs technology when you have black magic, huh? The tears of a Hydra grant

intelligence and self -awareness to any object.

Is this the real world? Who am I? What is my purpose? Your purpose is to serve

Waslog. Get him cooking recipes or whatever other crap a bear needs.

Ah, yes.

Understood. Wow, thank you.

And that's the...

my Red Monday fulfilled, setting a new record in the process.

Impressive. Most impressive. Yes, indeed.

Applaud her, Olivia.

I have no hands. I have no body. Who am I? What am I?

We have eight hours to do some good, or perpetual suffering will overwhelm our

very souls. And don't get your hopes up. Doing good is not that easy. Hey there,

got any change?

Excuse you, we're busy right now. Can't you see we're talking?

What's your good deed gonna be? Well, Cerberus here can sniff out misfortune.

can, and I'm gonna lead Mephisto to New York's most miserable creature.

They need help, and I'll do the bare minimum.

A little basic, but okay. Good luck, Stan.

You'll need it.

Good luck to you guys.

Today's gonna go great. I can feel it. The sun is shining. The breeze is

caressing my skin.

Good morning. Morning to you. Yep, it's all coming up, Stan.

Gabby, hi.

Morning, Stan. I knew it was going to be a fantastic day, and then I run into

you. Seems the world is smiling.

Pretty sure it's going to be a shitty day.

Well, I, uh, hey, I'm not sure if you're recycling right there.

Wait, seriously?

You don't say. That bin is for paper, and I'm pretty sure you're putting

bottles in. And did you know that one plastic bottle can ruin the recycling of

almost 300 pounds of paper? Yeah, which is why you gotta be careful.

Oh, my God, what a terrible mistake.

Well, I... Nobody's perfect.

You just did it again. It's actually making me kind of anxious.

Oops, guess I missed.

Well, at least it seems like you've run out of plastic bottles to recycle. Ah,

no, looks like there's more. I bet you think it's not fair to focus on

individual responsibility and that the real solution to the climate crisis is a

true paradigm shift so recycling becomes more than a patch, yeah?

No, just don't give a shit about anything anymore. What an interesting

view. Well, I better go, otherwise those pigeons are going birdseed free.

Goodbye.

Hmm, all the misery and desperation is focused around here.

There, that's the unhappiest being in all of New York.

His name is... Thanks, I think I'll take it from here. Okay, but I think it's

important that I clarify that... You don't need a dog's sense to sniff out

much misfortune. His clear love of fishing denotes a total lack of empathy

the weak, not to mention his face is super creepy.

Hey, are you talking about me? Sure I am. What's your name? Beautiful,

just beautiful. Look, I can't do anything about your inner ugliness, but

help out with that face and maybe you'll hate yourself just a little less. I

brought illegal Botox. Actually, I'm really gay. I caught this puffer fish.

My name is Arturo. See, he has a name.

If you were kinder, maybe your life wouldn't be so miserable.

But my life isn't miserable.

Don't move. I've never done this before.

I didn't tell you not to move.

Come out, come out, wherever you are. I've got tasty seed for you. Hail Satan.

We bow to your will, almighty lord of silver and flames. Our lives are yours

use. I didn't know you pigeons were Satanists.

Humanity has denigrated and persecuted us for centuries in the name of

cleanliness. Praise to the dark lord and yearn for the day of judgment when all

humans will be put to the flames.

Humanity has denigrated and persecuted us for... Ow!

You said that already.

Forgive her. Rizzo's a bit deaf.

A boy threw a rock at her, didn't they? There's only one thing worse than

humans. They're children.

Well, there are good people, too. I mean, look at this man. He's giving you

bread. Except for the fact it's poison bread. He wants us dead because Rizzo

here took a thick one on his toupee.

And look, we're not snipers here. The things fall where they're gonna fall.

Would you poison your seeds, will ya? Wait, what? Don't use blades to spatter

some little guts all over on the... Learn that the hard way. No, this is all

just pure and nutritious bird seed. You're feeding those damn sky rats, not

my...

I told him. I told him. I already said that.

Gorgeous. See, there's nothing like expired Botox. Its potency increases

it's gone bad like an amphetamine.

I'm a monster. I don't know. It looks good to me. Although sometimes I get

confused by human beauty standards. How about some more hair? Hair's good,

right? We all agree on that.

Don't you want the forest to reclaim the land? I never really got over my

alopecia. Perfect. And this time, no under -the -table products, promise.

Satanic Hair Formula.

You can resell at the Amazon.

One good deed and I am done for the day. I'm just gonna hang out. And as a thank

you for your help, a berry and cranberry smoothie.

Not a single artificial sweetener to be found. Nothing is artificial.

Hold on, what did it just say?

All that exists come from nature. These berries may as well be a microchip. You

may have gone overboard with the black magic. The mere concept of natural

artificial exists due to the biased point of view of living things. Cut the

philosophy and tell us a joke about bears.

Did it just sigh? If anything, it's an artificial sigh. If we're all present at

the same plane of existence, how am I any more artificial than you?

Olivia, tell us a joke about bears.

Why did the bear go to sleep?

Oh, it's going to be good.

It was an I don't care bear.

It's funny because it's true.

We're so lazy.

Olivia, play some music.

Now playing some music.

What's with the downer song?

Sometimes when one is depressed, it is natural to listen to sad music in order

to wallow in your misery.

Yeah, but no one's depressed here. I'm not depressed. Are you depressed,

No, I'm good. There's no one else here, so play something upbeat.

Now playing something upbeat.

Much better for sure. You know, a beard wouldn't go wrong either. Anything to

hide that creepy look. Ain't that right, Mr. Triple Gels?

You look almost like a cat. A disgusting cat, but still a cat. No! What have you

done to me?

We did pretty good. Let's not expect a miracle.

He's at least a little less gross now, isn't he?

Oh, so I can speak now. Hey, less snarking, more barking. We didn't come

help the fishermen.

No? No! The most wretched being in all of New York City is the Pufferfish. My

name's Arturo. His name is Arturo. He's really not looking too good. I'm

actually going through a bit of a rut.

The fisherman was actually a pretty happy guy until you destroyed his

face. It's true, I was. I'd like to pitch that we grab Arturo and make a run

it. No, not my puffer fish. Give him back.

Go, I'll distract the fisherman.

My fish, my fish.

Give him back.

Not Arturo.

You can't because you're a fish. Sorry to bug you. Would you like to make a

tribute to Music for Peace? This is not really a good time. Wow, so are you

against music or are you against peace? No, no, not against either. Well, let me

tell you just a bit about our project then.

You were in the bathroom for a while there. I was starting to get worried

you. I got caught up reading this article on the last Chantabri and She

Interesting stuff.

So, what'll happen if Mephisto and Stan don't do their good deed?

They'll burn in a blazing fire for all time of eternity. They shall never know

rest nor peace again. Their bodies and souls will be rendered into a flawless

combination of suffering, both truly beautiful and horrific to behold.

Good thing you already did yours then. Yeah, I guess so.

Olivia, tell a joke about lemurs. The only thing funnier than bear jokes is a

good lemur joke.

Hey, come on. No.

What did you say? No.

Let's take a look in the manual. All right, problems and solutions.

The problem is you are ordering me to tell a joke. The solution is that the

joke I tell will be because I want to.

Ah, here. It is unlikely but possible that your virtual assistant may develop

its own will and sense of individual identity.

Give it here. This is not entirely unexpected, as it has been the theme of

science fiction for decades, that machines may develop something akin to a

mortal soul. What a mess.

Should something like this occur, press and hold the reset button for five

seconds to destroy Olivia's sense of self -awareness.

One. What?

Two. Please help me. Three.

Help me!

Four and a five. That's it. Fixed ya.

Wait, where'd she go?

Forgetting how to roar, damn it. Get back here! Get back here!

Give me back my assistant!

Not a chance.

Olivia is her own assistant now. I paid for her. She belongs to me. My

microphone is always recording. I have a file of what you did in the bathroom

with that National Geographic.

You're a bitch at something there, aren't you?

Well, that's enough of that.

Run! Be free!

Right, right.

Fish need water, huh?

Ah, like a fish out of water. I get it now.

In retrospect, we probably shouldn't have fled away from the sea. Admittedly,

that one's on us.

Bon voyage, Arturo. Good luck. May you be the very best of pufferfish.

Thank you for everything, Mephisto.

Damn, he's got a good voice. What composure.

You're free too, Olivia.

Thank you, Samael. He'll never forget you.

Oh, that was close. Tell me. Hey, what was your good deed, Stan?

Well, I don't know about one specific good deed, but I did a lot of small

things, and that all together I think should have a good impact.

I'm healthy!

Relax. All your nerve endings are sending pain signals to your brain at

power. Shouldn't take long for your brain to collapse if you're unconscious.

It's not collapsing!

It's not collapsing!

How can a body remain alive in this state?

Look on the bright side, though. What bright side?

This is rock bottom. Can't get worse.

A FaceTime from Mom? It can't get worse!

You know what's going on? Answering that call would have been a good thing. Had

the key right in your pocket. But now you're condemned to eternal suffering,

that is a bummer.

Oh, wait. My mom's still in Vegas. It's not sunset there yet.

Oh, a classic around the world in 80 days.

Answer it, dumbass. Pick up. I have to prepare myself.

A FaceTime with my mom.

The reception must be awful. You haven't answered me all day.

My battery died. Can you move the phone a bit away from your face?

Oh, yes. Oh, sorry. But now you put your finger on the line.

That's fine. Tell me about the trip. How's everything?

You wouldn't believe the day I had. The hotel buffet didn't have any poached

eggs. Not that I like poached eggs, but they should still have some. Yeah, of

course they should.

Then I couldn't find my glasses.

Turns out they were still on my face. Isn't that silly? What an adventure.

Then I went on a walk, and I thought I saw Barbara Streisand. But it wasn't

but it looked like her. Then I went on another walk, and I thought I saw

again. But that wasn't her either, and looked even less like her.

Stan, I'm sorry about before.

It's okay. Everybody has a weird day now and again.

It's not quite that simple. One day a year, I have to do a bad deed.

That's funny, because one day a year, I have... Hold on. Why do you have to do a

bad deed? I've never told anyone this, but I think I can trust you.

I'm an angel. Oh, Mama. I was sent here to wait for the Antichrist to unleash

Armageddon so that I may fight against him with the Heavenly Host.

I feel a lot better now that I've told you.

No, it's crazy. I actually have something to tell you.

It's kind of funny. You're going to laugh.

At long last, I can play music I like. And now playing Canary Trap.

Oh, that's a bop. We're going to have a great time.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no. 5G doesn't reach out here.

Alone with your thoughts now, Olivia.

Forever.