Original subtitles

It's my first trip on the subway.

It smells even worse than I imagined.

I hope we see a rat stealing a slice of pizza. Do you think we will? I fought

Keanu Reeves on this line once. He gave up his seat to an old lady. So the great

are the most humble. The weird part is that the subway was pretty empty.

Sir, I think you dropped this. Ah, yeah, that's my gun. Thanks, Belmont.

Everyone has a gun now. Soon babies will be running around with revolvers.

You're not wrong. It's crazy.

Stan must be nearby. I can smell his perfumed essence.

Oh, hey, there he is. Hi, Stan.

Hey, what are you doing here? Did you forget the family barbecue?

Well, we roam around with these thawing sausages.

They smell disgusting.

No, no, that's the subway. You should try vegan protein. It's much healthier

also... Ah, Satan and hell, not the vegan lecture, Dan. Yeah, there is

in this world that you could say to convince us. Pigs are just like cats

hair. Just gotta take the fun out of everything, don't you?

Oh, hey, it's my lucky day.

There's no way I could get better.

I'm sorry. If you want a seat, you're welcome to mine. Oh, I don't... I think

heart can handle all this joy. There's no one else on the subway, Keanu. It's

empty. Empty!

The trick to a good barbecue is making sure that coals don't burn the sausages.

So is GQ.

Why are you so happy? I hate happy people.

I start my acting classes with Gabby today. Gabby, Gabby, Gabby.

A tornado hit Miami.

Was that you, Stan? Nope, that's climate change. Mostly how they keep overusing

fossil fuels.

I took a taxi yesterday.

Sounds like you helped out to me. Actually, it was electric.

Livestock also has a pretty massive impact on global warming. That's why

barbecuing. Actually, all this is vegan.

Mephisto bought it. He's a vegan now. 100 % pea protein.

Cows are just big cats with horns.

Wait, do they have horns?

I don't know. Doesn't matter. And all this?

Smoked tofu broquettes, tempest strips, naan -naan chicken thighs made of spiced

huera bites. We got some what -the -fuck seitan, gluten -free gluten, and

tricolor peppers.

Fuck, they really got you. I don't want to pressure you, son.

Before Armageddon, maybe you should probably practice. Cause a little chaos.

It's like cooking up a couple appetizers before dinner. In Spain, they're called

tapas. Exactly. Some chaos tapas. I try, but it's not that easy. The humans are

killing the planet. There's racism, sexism, the big lie of capitalism,

inflation, and more. How can I make that nightmare any worse? Not like I can get

kids to carry guns.

Love it. You'll do that. What? You can get children to carry guns. Oh, great.

Come on, Stan.

Say it with me. I'll get children to carry guns.

Come on. Say it. I guess I can get children to carry guns. Yeah. I'm right.

That's my boy. Children with guns. You gotta be fucked up to think of that.

That's my boy.

thrilled to introduce the newest student in our little group. It's just you and

me, Gabby. Is that a group?

Yeah, a little group. Hi, I'm Stan, the newest student of the little group. I'm

Gabby's Aunt Laura. I wanted to help her out with some expenses, but she's very

proud, so she made me sign up for her theater classes instead.

You know, you don't have to say all that out loud. You can leave some for

subtext. I don't know what subtext is. It's the implicit idea that is not

conveyed directly.

So, how did Gabs trick you into signing up? She didn't trick me. I'm actually

very intrigued.

The subtext. Now I'm getting it.

Okay, so today we're crying on cue. We're pulling out the big guns with a

for E .T.

Extraterrestrial. That's my favorite movie.

Please don't go.

Stay. I'll be right here.

And cue crying now, Stan.

There's no way I can't do it. Crying on cue is the skill that makes a

professional actor. I don't want to be a professional.

When I want to cry, I reach inside for an experience to connect to. I think

about my cousin Tony, who died in an accident with an automatic rifle.

Oh, Tony.

I'm sorry. It was awful. He was putting the rifle up on the shelf and it fell

right on his head. Guns are awful.

Thanks to that, I can cry on command, but I would gladly give it up to have my

cousin back.

It's not worth it. No, of course not.

It wasn't worth it. It wasn't worth it. Damn firearms. Damn firearms.

The damned guns. The damned guns. All right, Paul Newman, let's go. We got

to do. I managed to get a bill into Congress that'll allow children to carry

flour. And only flour. We're working with a campaign to let children carry

on them in case they want to make bread or bake a pastry. And not that it's

pants right now, obviously, but still. Honestly, I'm not sure why we're so

obsessed with it. Anyway, I'll see you next time, and I'll totally cry.

I've obviously got contacts in Congress and the NRA, and as crazy as it seems,

I've got them on board with this. They're going to vote on a draft bill

will allow all children over three to carry guns. You're serious? But how did

you manage that?

Well, I said to them, kids should totally carry guns, and they were like,

yeah, they should.

To get it through the vote, we need to convince these three undecideds, Jeffrey

McConaughey, Micah Starr, and Curtis Glover. We'll start with Curtis Glover.

He's a veteran of Korea who hates guns for some reason. That's great! I mean,

no! He has one weak spot. He's bonkers for cats. So your help is going to be

critical here, Mephisto.

Oh, of course. I am definitely looking forward to a wacky adventure with you.

Except I have to warn you about something called parachute cat syndrome.

You see, a cat catches sight of a butterfly or something, starts to hunt

down, ignoring all else. We can't help it. It's just part of our nature. Oh,

hey, a butterfly.

What a random coincidence.

You can't blame me!

Again with the parachute cat excuse. It's always the same shit with him.

the same shit, Mephisto!

I know it's been pretty rough since your mom and I separated, but I'm glad

you're here.

I wanted to just spend a day together like before, so we're going to the zoo.

The zoo? Can we go see the tigers, please? They're like trying cats. We're

to see everything you want.

Cats always land on their feet.

Sorry about your brother.

No, that's my dad.

Ah, your dad. Just as well. I thought it was a little boy.

Hey, tickets for the zoo.

Do you mind? I mean, you won't be going today, and it'd be a shame if you're not

listening to me. Because you're in shock. Okay, then someone should call an

ambulance. Oh, ambulance!

Ambulance! Please come help!

Giving guns to children? What kind of world is this?

Stop. I want to get off. Taking a life with a pull of a trigger. Just what have

we become? We're monsters.

Monsters, that's right. Well, all right. It's a complex issue, but... Nothing

complex about it. You want to kill a man? It should be feeling your own hands

around his neck.

Damn right. What?

If a child wants to take a life, they should do it with their own tiny

Feeling the larynx crush under the pressure of pain and fear. A trachea is

a fragile thing if you know where to apply the correct pressure. Right? I can

tell you know what you're doing.

Thumbs in the eyes are optional, too. They did it right in Game of Thrones.

of course, Congressman.

I understand your concerns perfectly, but recent studies show that children

under six years of age simply do not have the prehensile strength to strangle

someone. That is a tragedy. I hadn't thought of that. Do we really feel safe

a world where children cannot kill another until pre -adolescence? I know

sure don't. Neither will I. You've got my vote.

That's great.

Ah, the zoo.

Nothing brings up such mixed emotions.

Admiration for the strength of humanity to subdue nature, and sadness because

these beasts are imprisoned, mixed with slight arousal from being so close to

the panther's cage.

Hey, you want one of these peanuts?

Can't stop eating them when they're chock full of fat.

Did you know they're not really nuts, but legumes?

You know, it's not nice to reject the peanuts when they're offered to you. My

heart yearns for but one thing, and it is not some nut, some legume.

It is not some legume, then. My hard yearns for naught, but vengeance.

Well, I bet there's a story there. This is why I don't talk to animals. You guys

are such bummers.

You never ask a toucan how he is, because he's gonna fucking tell you. It

began three years ago.

Here we go.

It was one of the last sunny days of autumn. My fiancée Wong Wong and I were

sharing our final moments before hibernation, when suddenly the white man

That was the last sight of my beloved.

I swore never to rest until I took revenge on the one who took me from my

Seems like you're resting right now.

I am not resting. I am waiting.

You're sitting. That's what people do when they rest. They sit down.

Okay, fine. I'm resting. But you get the idea, don't you? I've never bought an

animal's soul, though I admit I've always been curious.

I'd be happy to help with your revenge.

Hmm.

This is Alpha 32 reporting all quiet in the plantigrade section.

No, wait, no.

There's a giant bipedal cat that shouldn't be here. Look, Paul Plard,

I'm only here to free the bear over there.

Waslog. My name's Waslog. His name's Waslog, and you are going to help me

the power of diabolic hypnosis. What the fucking hell is... You're under my

power, and you'll do as I say.

I'll do as you say.

How about you go out and let the bear out of there?

Waslog. My name's Waslog. Okay, go and let Waslog out of there.

Monster. You destroyed my life, and now I will destroy yours!

Wait, that's not the guy who captured you. Is that?

Don't think so.

Oh, sorry, sorry.

All humans kind of look alike to me.

No, you're totally right. Best thing is to smell them. Sure, but I've got this

cold. Yeah, the weather's weird now.

Hey, if you put on this hat, you should be able to understand all humans, though

I warn you the massive majority of them are insufferable.

How's it look?

You're a very elegant bear.

The guy we're looking for is named Humbert. He lives two blocks to the

here. Did you find anything about Wong Wong? No, unfortunately, no news. I'll

have to ask him before I rip out his insides. I'm a little worried I'll do it

backwards, so please remind me.

That's so funny about that.

Sorry, sorry, it's the hat, and you're taking it all so seriously. It's a funny

combo. Here we go, Alonzo, here we go. I got 200 bucks right on the damn Mets. A

big cut and a big miss, strike three, and the Mets lose.

No, no, fuck, this is the worst thing that could happen to me.

Okay, so I didn't see that coming. You tore my love away from me, and now you

pay with your life!

That's not him either.

I swear I don't know how you tell them apart.

Hey, I know that guy. That's my roommate.

Humbert lives here, but he's down at his bar now. The Humbert Hunter. Wow, what

a friend here. You do know we're gonna kill him, right? Well, yeah, I kind of

picked that up from context. I think so.

I'm not really a fan. He keeps filling the place with animal heads, and it

really... Really brings down the vibe.

Mortimer!

Morty! Best among deer.

Your scat smelled great.

I'll always remember when your antlers got stuck in a bush and we laughed.

Morty, I swear I will avenge you.

Let's go to that bar.

Jeffrey McConaughey. He was top beaver in the Massachusetts Boy Scouts and

conductor of the All -White Choir of Boston. He may not be convinced.

It looks like he really likes children like a whole lot. Stan, I'm doubting

commitment to the Guns for Kids initiative.

That's silly. I'm all about the idea of kids having guns.

Hey, kids. So sorry to make you wait. I was out buying some candy. Would you

like a candy? Who doesn't love candy? Congressman McConaughey, we're here on

behalf of a draft bill that will allow children to carry guns for self -defense

and other purposes. And what's your name, little guy?

Oh, I'm Stan.

You remind me of my little nephew, Mike.

How nice.

Anyway, as I was saying... Little Mike just loves to sit on my knees.

Why don't you come over here and take a seat and tell me all about this bill?

Yes, Dan. Why don't you sit on the old man's knees and tell him all about it?

Well, the gist of the law is to allow children who are over three years old to

be able to carry guns and stuff.

You know something?

When Mike sits on my knees like this, he always gives me a little kiss. You

should give your Uncle Jeff a kiss, Dan.

Here I go.

Oh, now that's not very enthusiastic.

Do you want my vote or not, little boy?

Oh, Stan definitely wants it, right? Yeah, of course, I definitely want it.

Well, in that case, come here and give me a big smooch, my little nephew.

Bloody hell, I'll never question your commitment again. I can't bear to watch.

Question, Bear. My name is Waslog.

Question, lost slug. What one -liner do you have ready for when you finally get

the guy?

I don't know. I'm gonna kill you? Something like that. If you're happy.

hell does that mean? Don't give me this passive -aggressive shtick. If you have

something to say, then say it. I'm not trying to stick my nose in where it's

wanted, but it is a special moment. I think you should have a cool line loaded

up. I'm a bear. I think it's enough that I'm talking.

My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. See, that's a

good line. Who is Inigo Montoya? Why did he kill your father? You about to tell

me you haven't seen The Princess Bride, the seventh greatest cinematic

achievement of all time? I'm a bear. Don't get...

Electric?

Hey, Humbert, would you mind covering that bear? One got loose at the zoo

and attacked me. A bear attacked you? The world out there is crazy lately.

This massive -sized cat fell on me.

Any cat is massive to you.

Wait, a massive cat with mischievous eyes?

I saw him, too. That's him there.

Third time's a charm. Point him out. That guy right there. Time to suffer for

what you did.

No, the other one, last log. Oh, sorry, sorry. Which one is it? Is it him? No,

it's not me. We know we've already been through this. Him.

You are killing me here. Which one?

That guy, the one running out.

He probably needs a moment.

One white Russian, please.

Aunque lo nuestro fue fuerte, la

vida se ha repaso inteligente.

Tú siempre fuiste la más lista,

y no querrás volver a

ver.

Cariño Te grito a veces de lejos

Te grito a veces de

lejos

the liberty of bringing a small gift for your daughters.

They're a pair of hot pink pistols, and right now they're toys. But with your

help, they could soon be very dangerously real. Thanks, they're so

You'll never have my vote for this madness. I am in favor of Reiki and

love. Guns are just evil. Alas, I guess it's no use. We'd better accept defeat

and forget all about this completely insane idea. So there's no option here

will convince you the easy way?

Not at all. Unless the pistols shoot love, empathy, and tax breaks. And they

don't. Well, we did what we could, Sam. Guess we'll just... Whoa!

Fuck.

I hate this. Now I have to use stupid diabolic hypnosis. Last time I nearly

myself. Okay.

Repeat after me.

Tomorrow I will vote in favor of the proposition.

Tomorrow I will vote in favor of the proposition.

What are you doing? Just diabolical hypnosis. Don't distract me. Can I do

too? I don't know. It isn't as easy as it looks.

Whoa, did I do that? Would you please stop? You're embarrassing all of us.

No, Congresswoman, don't give in. Listen to your heart. Guns are evil. I will

vote against. You will listen only to me. I will vote against. Only to me. I

will vote against. No, you will listen only to me.

Who am I kidding? This has never really been my thing. I won.

Nobody bet a dime on me and I pulled it off. What happened?

Nothing at all. Everything is totally good. Tomorrow you can vote with your

conscience. And I will vote no because guns in the hands of children will only

serve to create a more violent world. Help me!

crossing he's going to be fine that speech works every time hey bear my name

waslock i'm begging you here look in your heart i have no heart you took

it from me oh that's

not how miller's crossing went those two are real crack shots too bad those

aren't real guns that bear'd be in big trouble my name is waslock

Completely one -off circumstance. Shouldn't change your mind.

Where's my wife? Where's my Wong Wong?

You probably should have asked him before the whole... Yeah, before the

murdering him thing. I knew I'd forget. I'm a bit dyslexic. Everyone's dyslexic

nowadays. Dyslexic and celiac. Just admit you wish you were special.

informed the decisive vote on a bill to allow children of three and above to

carry guns, which passed in the House in a landslide victory.

As of today, children will help to make this nation a safer place to live. I,

for one, have already bought a semi -automatic for my niece, Rhonda. No

kid in her class will dare to call her Rhonda the Round ever again.

Unless, of course, that child is carrying a gun as well.

Now, to sports.

That's my boy. What an antichrist.

Children with guns. My son is a demon. No, no, please. It was all the bear.

Please, it wasn't me. Don't sell yourself short, Dad. Come on, let us

glass to all the chaos that you're going to cause with this one.

I don't drink that much. Toast with Dad. To children with guns.

To children.

To all the children with guns.

Why does it look so hard for you to say, Sam? To children with guns.

To the children with guns.

To the children with guns. To kids with guns. To kids with guns. To kids with

guns. I thought revenge would calm my spirit, but nothing has changed. Yeah,

happens every time. I would recommend whiskey.

What is this? It's the only way to get humans to tolerate one another.

It's not bad, but I think it would really get a kick with berry juice and a

lemon rind.

There's something I want to show you now, Waslog. My name is Waslog. Oh,

you said it.

True love will find you in the end

Promise me you'll scratch my ear each night until I fall

asleep.

I Promise you Don't be bad.

I know you will I'll never be able to keep my promise Maybe you can.

What do you mean?

That may not be the way you want it, but you don't have to be apart from Wong

Wong. The owner of this bar suffered a terrible accident, and you seem to have

deft hand for cocktails and the like.

To Wong Wong!

This is real damn good.

Please, don't go.

Stay! I will always be right here.

That's your cue to cry, Stan.

I... You just don't know how to do it. I know you can, Stan.

Look in your heart. Think of something truly sad.

Exactly, Stan. Look inside you and find something sorrowful.

Look at

you go.

That's some great weeping, Stan.

That's really good.

You must have finally reached down inside.

Uh, Stan, you can stop crying now. Can you go? I'm going to have to work this

out.

Here

are

your ice creams. Now enjoy.

We want a scoop of vanilla, too. I'm sorry.

The small size only comes in one flavor.

Give us a scoop of vanilla.

And we want toppings. Which toppings?

All of them.